Every year around the holidays, desperate spouses and significant others scour stores and the internet for cool and unique gift ideas for the men in their lives. Retail establishments are more than happy to oblige by taking advantage of consumers high on the season of giving.
If you Google “gifts for dads,” lists upon lists appear with promise of featuring gifts men actually want. But are these gifts what men actually want? Or are they what an underpaid retail manager toiling away in a cubicle thinks that someone hypothetically might buy for a stereotypical “man” in hopes of avoiding another generic gift card?
The types of people Googling “gifts for dads” tend to be desperate. And desperate times call for absurd gift guides.
Let’s check out some of this year’s biggest gift-giving nopes from Bloomingdale’s Gift Guide for Dads.
1 VELOUR SWEATSHIRT - $59
For when you want to look like a soccer mom circa 2004. But, just in case this velour monstrosity isn’t velour-ey enough for you, you can buy matching velour pants. Perfect for accentuating your moose knuckle.
2 OAK BOTTLE - $90
Send the message that you go on many adventures in the woods where you do manly-man things like whittle tree trunks into bottles with your bare hands before hollowing them out using your teeth and engraving them using a tooth from a shark you beat in a cage match in the octagon. Settle TF down, MacGyver.
3 FANNY PACK - $125
To increase your likelihood of being kicked in the dick by 70% because you decided to wear a $125 fanny pack. On the plus side, you can store your balls and man card neatly inside.
4 ON EAR WIRELESS HEADPHONES - $399
Wow. I’m sure glad they clarified that these are headphones for on the ears. I was about to shove these up my ass just for funsies. The look is perfect for that man in your life who thinks Beats headphones aren’t stylish enough because they don’t look like the leather-bound steering wheel of my grandpa’s Oldsmobile.
5 “SLIDES” - $195
These “slides” scream mid-life crisis. For the man struggling to stay relevant and trying to relive his fraternity days as the ultimate dude bro. Try as you may to make these sound way hipper than they are, the fact remains that these are just your ordinary flippy floppies. Only $100 more than anyone should spend on shoes that cover less than half of your feet.
6 GENTLEMAN'S HARDWARE (WINE AND CHEESE SET) - CURRENTLY SOLD OUT
For the man in your life who enjoys saying the word “charcuterie.” And let’s face it, who doesn’t? Gentleman’s hardware? It can’t be. No gentleman’s hardware set would be complete without a monocle. Currently sold out. Now I don’t know where I shall place my apple and wheel of cheese. On a plate like a lowly peasant? I think not!
7 HORSEBIT SHOES - $520
You know, the other day I thought, “I really want some shoes that will make me look like a 70s pimp betting at the tracks. Also, put some equine hardware on them.” Then lo and behold, I stumbled upon these, and I did the Hustle while listening to ABBA’s greatest hits and askin’ where my money at.
8 WAXED COTTON JACKET - $429
Wait, you mean to tell me your cotton isn’t waxed? GTFO with your poor people cotton.
9 CARRY ON COCKTAIL KIT - CURRENTLY SOLD OUT
Act like an absolute D-bag after boarding a flight by whipping out your very own cocktail kit just for flying. Because plane cocktails are shit and the thought of consuming one made by the common hands of a stewardess offends you. No crap-ass drink cart Moscow Mules for you. No, sir. *polishes monocle and twirls mustache*
10 BEST DAD EVER NAME PLATE - $29
Let everyone at work know that you chain smoke cigars in your office and keep two-buck chuck stashed in your mahogany bureau, but that you’re also a family man. Maybe your family bought this for you, maybe you purchased it yourself because your kids and wife hate you for all the “late nights” and missed recitals. The only reason this should exist is if there was only one in existence. And TOO BAD. That one already belongs to the best dad I know… Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
11 “ULTIMATE MAN” SOAP - $15
Perfect for washing up after you’ve wrestled a bear, punched a kraken in the kidneys, built a log cabin, and chugged motor oil, all one-handed while using the other to put a good dip in.
12 URBAN CONCRETE INDIGO CANDLE - $30
The concrete on this candle is great for strapping to my ankles and wading out into the ocean to drown just so I can forget a fucking Indigo candle exists. Use as many fancy pants adjectives as you want to describe this, it’s still just a gob of wax with a wick inside. Nobody needs a $30 “potted” candle. Are you high? Maybe it’s all the indigo you’re inhaling. I can’t ever recall a time when I thought, “You know what I could really go for right now? Some Indigo stench.”
13 TRAVEL AND EXPERIENCES NOTEBOOK - $80
Travel and Experiences Journal, Page 1, Entery 1: I just had a very interesting experience. My Mother-in-Law Brenda just purchased me an $80 journal for writing about my travels and experiences. Would have preferred an $80 train ticket for a long travel away from this place.
14 TORCHED BOTTLE OPENER - $35
Do you need to get a gift for a dad you low-key hate? Give the gift that says, “I wouldn’t piss on fire to put you out” with this literal hunk of flaming garbage that looks like it’s a makeshift shank that was confiscated during a prison drug bust.
These gifts come with a money-back guarantee that you’ll get a polite, high-pitched “Oh, thanks, Honey” after opening, and put on a desk or in the closet only to be moved closer and closer to the donation pile until they “mysteriously” disappear one day.