14 Most Ridiculous Gifts In Bloomingdale’s Gift Guide For Dads

(Bloomingdale's)

Every year around the holidays, desperate spouses and significant others scour stores and the internet for cool and unique gift ideas for the men in their lives. Retail establishments are more than happy to oblige by taking advantage of consumers high on the season of giving.

If you Google “gifts for dads,” lists upon lists appear with promise of featuring gifts men actually want. But are these gifts what men actually want? Or are they what an underpaid retail manager toiling away in a cubicle thinks that someone hypothetically might buy for a stereotypical “man” in hopes of avoiding another generic gift card?

The types of people Googling “gifts for dads” tend to be desperate. And desperate times call for absurd gift guides.

Let’s check out some of this year’s biggest gift-giving nopes from Bloomingdale’s Gift Guide for Dads.

1 VELOUR SWEATSHIRT - $59

(Bloomingdale's)

For when you want to look like a soccer mom circa 2004. But, just in case this velour monstrosity isn’t velour-ey enough for you, you can buy matching velour pants. Perfect for accentuating your moose knuckle.

2 OAK BOTTLE - $90

(Bloomingdale's)

Send the message that you go on many adventures in the woods where you do manly-man things like whittle tree trunks into bottles with your bare hands before hollowing them out using your teeth and engraving them using a tooth from a shark you beat in a cage match in the octagon. Settle TF down, MacGyver.

3 FANNY PACK - $125

(Bloomingdale's)

To increase your likelihood of being kicked in the dick by 70% because you decided to wear a $125 fanny pack. On the plus side, you can store your balls and man card neatly inside.

4 ON EAR WIRELESS HEADPHONES - $399

(Bloomingdale's)

Wow. I’m sure glad they clarified that these are headphones for on the ears. I was about to shove these up my ass just for funsies. The look is perfect for that man in your life who thinks Beats headphones aren’t stylish enough because they don’t look like the leather-bound steering wheel of my grandpa’s Oldsmobile.

5 “SLIDES” - $195

(Bloomingdale's)

These “slides” scream mid-life crisis. For the man struggling to stay relevant and trying to relive his fraternity days as the ultimate dude bro. Try as you may to make these sound way hipper than they are, the fact remains that these are just your ordinary flippy floppies. Only $100 more than anyone should spend on shoes that cover less than half of your feet.

6 GENTLEMAN'S HARDWARE (WINE AND CHEESE SET) - CURRENTLY SOLD OUT

(Bloomingdale's)

For the man in your life who enjoys saying the word “charcuterie.” And let’s face it, who doesn’t? Gentleman’s hardware? It can’t be. No gentleman’s hardware set would be complete without a monocle. Currently sold out. Now I don’t know where I shall place my apple and wheel of cheese. On a plate like a lowly peasant? I think not!

7 HORSEBIT SHOES - $520

(Bloomingdale's)

You know, the other day I thought, “I really want some shoes that will make me look like a 70s pimp betting at the tracks. Also, put some equine hardware on them.” Then lo and behold, I stumbled upon these, and I did the Hustle while listening to ABBA’s greatest hits and askin’ where my money at.

8 WAXED COTTON JACKET - $429

(Bloomingdale's)

Wait, you mean to tell me your cotton isn’t waxed? GTFO with your poor people cotton.

9 CARRY ON COCKTAIL KIT - CURRENTLY SOLD OUT

(Bloomingdale's)

Act like an absolute D-bag after boarding a flight by whipping out your very own cocktail kit just for flying. Because plane cocktails are shit and the thought of consuming one made by the common hands of a stewardess offends you. No crap-ass drink cart Moscow Mules for you. No, sir. *polishes monocle and twirls mustache*

10 BEST DAD EVER NAME PLATE - $29

(Bloomingdale's)

Let everyone at work know that you chain smoke cigars in your office and keep two-buck chuck stashed in your mahogany bureau, but that you’re also a family man. Maybe your family bought this for you, maybe you purchased it yourself because your kids and wife hate you for all the “late nights” and missed recitals. The only reason this should exist is if there was only one in existence. And TOO BAD. That one already belongs to the best dad I know… Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

11 “ULTIMATE MAN” SOAP - $15

(Bloomingdale's)

Perfect for washing up after you’ve wrestled a bear, punched a kraken in the kidneys, built a log cabin, and chugged motor oil, all one-handed while using the other to put a good dip in.

12 URBAN CONCRETE INDIGO CANDLE - $30

(Bloomingdale's)

The concrete on this candle is great for strapping to my ankles and wading out into the ocean to drown just so I can forget a fucking Indigo candle exists. Use as many fancy pants adjectives as you want to describe this, it’s still just a gob of wax with a wick inside. Nobody needs a $30 “potted” candle. Are you high? Maybe it’s all the indigo you’re inhaling. I can’t ever recall a time when I thought, “You know what I could really go for right now? Some Indigo stench.”

 

13 TRAVEL AND EXPERIENCES NOTEBOOK - $80

(Bloomingdale's)

Travel and Experiences Journal, Page 1, Entery 1: I just had a very interesting experience. My Mother-in-Law Brenda just purchased me an $80 journal for writing about my travels and experiences. Would have preferred an $80 train ticket for a long travel away from this place.

14 TORCHED BOTTLE OPENER - $35

(Bloomingdale's)

Do you need to get a gift for a dad you low-key hate? Give the gift that says, “I wouldn’t piss on fire to put you out” with this literal hunk of flaming garbage that looks like it’s a makeshift shank that was confiscated during a prison drug bust.

These gifts come with a money-back guarantee that you’ll get a polite, high-pitched “Oh, thanks, Honey” after opening, and put on a desk or in the closet only to be moved closer and closer to the donation pile until they “mysteriously” disappear one day.

Pee-Wee Football Player Gets Pumped Up on the Sidelines

Jim Gaffigan Has Something to Say About Beer

(Getty/master1305/Tom Briglia)

A general rule of thumb when making small talk: Don’t talk about religion, politics, or beer preferences.

All three are bound to erupt into heated debates. In the dad community beer in particular tends to be an extremely touchy subject. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what makes a beer amazing or downright sacrilegious, and comedian Jim Gaffigan is no different.

You’re either in full agreement with Jim’s purist perspective or cracking your knuckles to write a scathing comment touting your superior craft beer palate.

But that’s the great thing about beer, nay… America. We all have individual tastes. Just because some guy doesn’t share your affinity for a specific brew, that doesn’t mean he’s wrong (even though he is!) It just means you get to connect with someone with a differing perspective, while drinking beer!

So, if you see Jim in a bar, don’t make fun of him for his taste in beer. Instead, buy him a round, and make fun of his age – like an adult.

Cheers, Jim!

Back To School Photo Fails

(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)

Parents love to capture the moment on the first day back to school, but sometimes that moment isn’t what we envisioned. Check out these hilarious back to school photo fails from The Dad community.

(Instagram.com/cheeksmagee)
(Facebook.com/KellySmith)
(Instagram.com/abbyjmccoy)
(Instagram.com/instagramycohen)
(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)
(Instagram.com/JoyScribner)
(Instagram.com/bullitt.with.a.name)
(Facebook.com/KristenMadral)
(Instagram.com/heatherdtomlinson)

Dad Grades – Hal from Malcolm in the Middle

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Years before his dark turn as meth kingpin Heisenberg, Bryan Cranston starred as Hal on the criminally under-appreciated sitcom, Malcolm in the Middle. While his sadistically overbearing wife, Lois, was perpetually at wits end with their four mischievous sons, the much more care-free Hal happily took the passenger seat in their parenting roles.

DAD STRENGTHS

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Hal is a loving husband and father. He shows Lois affection through raw animalistic passion and utter dependence. He even admits to it, once telling Lois that he and their boys are not smart enough to function without her, and in return can only offer his total obedience.

He takes a much calmer, more sympathetic approach to parenting than Lois. She has a short fuse, at the end of which is a barrel of dynamite eager to ground someone for the rest of their life. Hal, conversely, seizes any opportunity to bond with his boys by having a sit-down and doling out fatherly words of wisdom.

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

He’s far more lenient, but will raise his voice and put his foot down when necessary. He’s often creative in his punishments. For example, when Malcolm told him “[bleep] you,” Hal sat him down in the backyard and forced him to look him in the eyes and read aloud a comprehensive list of every vile swear words, teaching him their power.

His biggest strength, however, is his laid-back, often immature attitude. It serves as a refreshing palate cleanser for Lois’ incessant shouting. He is truly the yin to her yang.

DAD WEAKNESSES

He’s more permissive than his wife. In one episode, Hal surprises the boys by letting them skip school to accompany him at some stock car races.

Hal’s lax approach to parenting is, regrettably, his biggest weakness. His spontaneity and often childish behavior sets a bad example for his sons. Case in point: the steamroller. After winning some money on a scratch-off, Hal secretly rents a steamroller.

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

When Dewey catches him, Hal agrees to let him steamroll over Reese’s bike. Ultimately, Hal goes mad with power and Dewey must talk him down from steamrolling a row of cars. Surely this gave Dewey license to misbehave in the future. His impulsive nature is typically harmless, but still sets precedent for the delinquency of his kids.

VERDICT

Despite shortcomings at the cost of his need to be the parent his sons actually like, Hal is a great father. Sure, all four of his sons are rambunctious hellions, disobedient and destructive at every turn, but that’s predominantly the result of their stubborn, temperamental mother. He’s a big-hearted working stiff, determined to provide for his family however dysfunctional they may be.

FINAL DAD GRADE: A-

Dancing Dad Embarrasses Daughter at Baseball Game [VIDEO]

Being a dad involves a lot of anxiety, drudgery, and stress. Sometimes you get to enjoy the perks of parenting, like embarrassing your children on television. Or in the stands at a Cubs game.

Or both!

This dad knows what’s up. He ignores his daughter’s attempts to get him to stop dancing and then doubles down on the silly moves.

Father Figures: Be Positive

“My twin girls (Faye and Felicia) are both autistic.

Felicia was diagnosed before she was three; she’s non verbal and loves life in her own wee bubble. Once she lets you in, it’s amazing. That’s her circle of trust.

Faye is her total opposite, always singing and chatting up a storm. Once they started preschool, we found out that Faye was showing signs of autism that we perhaps overlooked because she was so advanced.

My wife and I, with the assistance of Faye’s teachers, pushed hard to get her assessed, reassessed and diagnosed. Faye is very smart and fooled the specialist in the first assessment regarding extra help in school. We were very lucky when she was diagnosed, because the specialist ASD doctors could still recognize her traits.

It’s been a long journey and no two days are alike. Through it all we’ve learned that Faye is just a younger, female version of her older brother. From her diagnosis, we were able to recognize the ASD traits in Jordan. He is now beginning the diagnostic process.

But long story short, both our girls now attend an autism unit in a special school. It’s a God send and they are both doing great! They turned 6 in August and Jordan will be 11 this December.

Be positive and always make sure your child gets all they need. Raising a child with special needs definitely puts into perspective what’s important in life!

Everything for the kids!”

– Nic Young

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

8-Year-Old Girl Stuns Crowd at Harlem Globetrotters Game [VIDEO]

(YouTube/Harlem Globetrotters)

When the Harlem Globetrotters called Samaya Clark-Gabriel onto the court at halftime of their game, the crowd at Madison Square Garden wasn’t sure what to expect. But at this stage in a Globetrotters game it would certainly take a lot to impress them.

First she just started dribbling.

But then she started dribbling two basketballs at once. And then she started dribbling two basketballs at once while wearing a blindfold. And then she started dribbling two basketballs at once while wearing a blindfold and DOING A SPLIT.

Wow. Did they sign her yet?

Big Dad Rides Small Bike as a Tribute to Late Daughter

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

Peter Williams of Penzance, England is showing incredible strength after the loss of his daughter. On Friday at 10am, he began a 211-mile ride to raise money for The Brain Tumour Charity.

In 2015, Peter lost his 7-year-old daughter, Ellie, to a rare form of brain cancer, only six months after she was diagnosed.

To honor his daughter he decided to begin his ride at Bristol Children’s Hospital where Ellie was treated. He’s also making the entire trip on her little pink bike, which is only 20″ high. Given Peter is 6 feet tall, that’s going to make for an additional challenge, but he’s up for it.

Aside from a small modification to the bike’s seat, he’ll be riding the bike as-is. “My knees clear the handlebars by about half an inch so it’s going to be really tight, but it’s a great bike,” he told the BBC. When he factors in his unique mode of transportation Peter estimates the ride from Bristol to Land’s End will take him a week to complete.

Ellie loved cycling and impressed her dad at age three, when she was able to ride without training wheels.

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

The bike he’ll be riding was her pride and joy – a present she received for her last Christmas.

So far Peter has raised £23,349 (roughly $30K US) through his JustGiving campaign, already doubling his £10,000 target.

What a guy! What a dad! Go, Peter, go!

If you’d like donate to Peter’s campaign, visit his JustGiving page.

If you want to learn more about where the money is going, check out The Brain Tumour Charity.