With the holidays approaching, it’s almost time to soak in the magic of watching an excited child unwrap a brand-new toy. Those smiles are what it’s all about. But there are a few things that you do NOT want to see your child unwrap. We rounded up some of the absolute worst, most annoying gifts available on Amazon this year. If someone gives these gifts to your kids, you can absolutely assume they hate you. If you bought these, you have no one to blame but yourself for the sheer torture that is to come.
1 Toy megaphone (with siren sounds)
What’s more annoying than a child yelling at you? A child yelling at you through a megaphone. Hey, and I know, let’s add some SIREN SOUNDS. Customers who viewed this also viewed Advil and earplugs.
2 Enormous Nerf guns
No one can argue that Nerf guns aren’t fun, and they have super cool names. (Mega Mega Mastodon was my nickname in college.) But do yourself a favor and buy a smaller Nerf gun, that takes effort to reload, and do not enable your child to launch a rapid-fire assault with 60 foam darts to the face of his enemies. Just, no.
3 A GODDAM BOW AND ARROW SET
Why does it need to be said, that I don’t want anyone to give my child a bow and arrow set? Do you think, that because it says “for outdoor play,” that my son will not shoot me with an arrow as I drink my morning coffee in the kitchen?
4 Spy tools
It just seems like common sense to me that we should not enable our children to hear all conversations with bionic ears or secretly record things we don’t know they are recording. It is, at best, training your kid to be a creeper, and at worst, providing evidence against yourself that will come to light should you ever try to run for office.
5 A doll that cries (And pees? Apparently?)
You know what most parents say to themselves on a daily basis? “Gee I wish there was more crying around here.” Ah, the sweet sounds of a synthetic baby cry, with “real tears.” And diapers to change. And her nose lights up when she’s “sick” so now you get to console your child when they are panicked that their doll is sick.
6 Motion-activated noise makers
This is the child equivalent of strapping a bell on an animal so you can know it’s coming, except with Kidz Bop.
7 Furbies, now with extra creepy
True story: I had a Furby as a child and it scarred me for life. It creeped me out so much I closed it in my closet, and I once heard it speak to me in the dead of night from in there. But maybe they have made Furbies less creepy now? Let’s check out the description:
Nope, sorry, I am not going to pay $150 so my kid can give a creepy robotic demon a virtual shower.
8 Sound effect machine
Do you think fart sounds are funny? Of course you do. But will you think it’s funny when you have you heard it nonstop for seven months? Of course you won’t.
9 A talking hamster
Oh good, a small rodent to mimic whatever my kids say in an even more annoying and high-pitched voice!
10 Slingshot screaming monkey
This might seem like a fun little stocking-stuffer at only $7 but let me tell you how this is going to go down. Your kid is going to immediately slingshot this at your retina, and it will be SCREAMING as it comes in for the kill.
11 Light up, noise-making swords
What’s worse than getting hit in the shins from behind with a toy sword? Getting hit in the shins from behind with a toy sword that lights up and makes noise.
12 A drum set
Look I get it, music is good for kids. But if you give my kid an 11-piece drum set that I have to assemble and then listen to for years to come, I get to hit you with a drum stick. Fair’s fair.
13 Obnoxiously-themed Monopoly
All the family-destroying stress of Monopoly, with all the joy-destroying aesthetic of Minions. This is straight out of my nightmares.