February 14th is a complicated day. People tend to either relish the opportunity to shower their special [enter nauseating pet name here] with gifts and thoughtfulness, or spend the day ranting and raving about the dangers of commercialism and how Hallmark is hell-bent on ruining society as we know it. A special few are indifferent about the holiday, but those never seem to be the voices we hear while scrolling through the endless, opinionated vacuum that is social media.
So, to save you some time and effort, we’ve compiled a list of some of the best Valentine’s tweets out there. Some are sweet, some are kinda sad, some will probably make you swear off people for good and Google whether or not it’s legal to marry your dog…
Love is weird.
1 Finally, a use for the pink one.
Women talk about how romantic a home-made Valentine is until you draw a heart on the back of the cable bill with a highlighter.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 14, 2017
2 You'll get full custody of the kids, too.
happy valentines day if your significant other retweets a post malone parody account you're allowed to break up with them
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) February 14, 2018
3 Business 101: Exclusivity always drives up prices.
Brought 20 Valentines for 30 kids in my son's class. Cuz VIP only. Or I forgot how many kids there were or something.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) February 13, 2016
4 He's KING of the jungle, Linda. I won't apologize for being attracted to power.
Happy Valentines to anyone who has been sexually confused by their feelings for Simba, Roxanne, or Lola bunny
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) February 14, 2018
5 MYTH: All women love flowers.
[throwing bouquet of flowers in your face] you knew I wanted the blood of my enemies
— slaughthie (@slaughthie) February 14, 2018
6 Set the mood with some classic romantic cinema.
gf: [reading my txt] "keith just said he's going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight"
her friend: "oh wow"
[later watching shrek 2]
me: "you look disappointed"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) February 14, 2018
7 Snap into the best present I could think of.
me: happy valentines day babe
wife: let me guess, another gas station rose
me: *hiding slim jim* oh that would have been good
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) February 14, 2018
8 In lieu of flowers, here's an existential crisis.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
But why, Mom?
What makes flowers different colors?
Why are they called violets if they’re blue?
Why do they say roses are red when I’ve seen pink ones?
IT'S 7AM HOW DOES THE UNIVERSE WORK???
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 14, 2018
9 Personally, I love these cheesy holiday traditions.
Make sure you sprinkle rose petals out under your Valentine's Day Tree tonight or else Ed Sheeran won't leave you any sex toys
— Migrant Twerker (@SortaBad) February 13, 2018
10 Give her what she really wants.
valentine’s day gift ideas for the lady in your life:
1. dinner for two at a nice restaurant
2. you stay home
3. two dinners for her
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) February 9, 2018
11 There's plenty of one specific fish in the sea.
Now accepting applications to be my valentine. Ideally should be
-Free for the school dance tomorrow
-Is just like Katherine
-Please come back Katherine
— Llama Who Ish Single (@LlamaInaTux) February 14, 2018
12 Yeah... that sounds... awful?
Being single on Valentine's Day is a nightmare. All you get to do is sleep in, relax all day, and not quantify love with manufactured goods.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 15, 2016
13 Love shouldn't come with ultimatums.
14 There are worse things than being single on February 14th.
Dog 911: what's ur emergency
Dog: IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY
DOG 911: So?
Dog: I CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE
DOG 911: OMG
DOG 911: OMG
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 14, 2016
15 Live your best life today.
i dont need valentines day to tell me to treat m'lady right just like i don't need st patricks day to tell me to day drink and shit my pants
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) February 14, 2016
16 Never lose sight of what you truly love.
Kim: Happy Valentines Day!
Kanye: YOU HAVE DISTRACTED ME FROM MY CREATIVE PROCESS, AMBER
Kim: My name is Kim
Kanye: I MADE U FAMOUS, TAYLOR
— Lyle Clip Art (@Kyle_Lippert) February 13, 2016