20 Tell Tale Signs Your Child Is A Goth

“Oh my God! A ghost!”

No, you silly dads. It’s not a ghost – it’s a goth.

I can understand why you’d be confused; it’s hard to keep up with these fricking teens and their fashion trends. So that’s why I have put together this handy guide to tell if your kid is a goth.

1 Translucent Skin

The classic goth giveaway, pale skin, my friends.

2 Black Clothes

Again, a classic, something you should be familiar with already. But we’re just warming up.

3 Smokers

You’re a dad, you’ve seen South Park.

4 Carry Around the Head of an Animal

This one could be subtle. Be sure to check their pockets for the heads of small rodents, and their backpacks for the heads of large equine animals.

5 Big Fans of Harry Potter

Magic? More like… something snappy and dark that rhymes with magic

6 Lost their Virginity on a Grave

Don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions, okay?

7 Drink Blood in their Coffee instead of Cream

Can be tough to spot, but just give the cream (or milk, you guys) a sniff before you use it.

8 Prefer Pepsi to Coke

9 Don't Like Sports

The only sports goths like are Quidditch and tenpin bowling but using skulls instead of bowling balls.

10 Enjoys Horse Riding

It’s practice for when the four horsemen of the apocalypse arrive.

11 Listens to Marilyn Manson

12 Favorite Simpson's Character is Dr. Marvin Monroe

13 Listens to Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Manson + Marvin Monroe = Marilyn Monroe. Wake up, people.

14 Says words like "Radical" and "Cowabunga"

Or maybe that’s surfers.

15 LOVES Murder

Just. Fucking. Loves it.

16 Has a Goth Name like "Alvin Thicklewight," or "Penelope Quickstop"

*shakes fist* Alvvvviiiiiinnnnnn

17 Has a Pet Raven

Sure, you're goth, but are you dejectedly riding the subway with your raven goth? pic.twitter.com/KDboTBUI2O

— Max Sparber (@maxsparber) April 29, 2017

18 Draws the Letter 'S' Weird

You know what I mean. With the lines and stuff

19 Favorite Wacky Racers are Gruesome Twosome

Slag Brothers all the way, my friends

20 When you watch Scooby Doo they always root for the bad guy

This a huge giveaway. You need to clamp down on this shit from a young age

Artist Wife Illustrates The Drastic Ways Her Husband’s Life Changed After Kids

By Jordan Stratton

11 hours ago

Chen Weng, an illustrator who goes by the name The Messycow, has created a series of comics showing just how much things change when one becomes a father.

Which do you relate to most?

Check out more from this series on The Messycow’s Facebook page and website.

Dad Dinosaur: Prehistoric Reunion

By The Dad

11 hours ago

Dad Dinosaur’s high school reunion is fast approaching, but will he be able to win the big dance contest – or are his moves stuck in the past?

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Father Figures: Risky Business

By Mike Julianelle

1 day ago

“As the garage door closed behind me, I heard a muffled whimper.

“What is that?” I wondered. Another whimper and I noticed eight fingers on the lid of one of the garbage cans in the corner. I spy a set of eyes, then a nose and finally my oldest son’s face.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“What happened? Where is your brother?” No answers, just sobbing.

He moped toward the door and I followed him into the kitchen. I half-expected to see CSI investigators hovering over a chalk outline.

We walked around the corner by the refrigerator, and only then did I see his brother and allow myself to take my first breath. Then I saw a hole in the drywall the size of a young boy’s torso.

They had been running & sliding, in their stocking feet, across the marbled kitchen floor. Obviously a bit too exuberantly! I was relieved that they were both okay, but I still mustered enough anger to quash any future escapades.

Each blamed the other, of course. I used to say I couldn’t always tell when my kids were lying, but I could always tell when they were telling the truth.

If that makes any sense to you, I’m guessing you’ve raised at least two boys.”

Ron Fuller

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Crap Alert

By The Dad

2 days ago

“I farted…and a bit came out.”

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Son Surprises Ailing Dad With Tickets To College World Series

By Mike Julianelle

Father’s Day is a special time to celebrate your old man, and show him how much you appreciate the role he’s played in your life all these years. Especially since, as we get older, our dads do too, and they may not have many Father’s Days left.

Matt Lea recognized that this Father’s Day, and so went out of his way to make it a memorable one, for both him and his father, both former college baseball players who bonded over the game as Matt was growing up.

Matt’s father Billy suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease, and the symptoms have been accruing rapidly. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for more memories, and Matt used the latest Father’s Day as an opportunity to do just that. The 36-year-old drove 12 hours, from Florida to Mississippi, and surprised his parents at their doorstep on Sunday.

He was bearing gifts as well, bringing his dad the jersey of his favorite baseball team, Mississippi State. But that wasn’t all. Matt brought tickets too, to see the College World Series in Omaha in person.

In video of the exchange that Matt posted on Twitter, his dad was clearly taken by surprise.

Surprised my dad today to tell him I’m taking him to Omaha to watch @HailStateBB play. His Alzheimer’s is setting in fast but I know he’s going to have a blast this weekend. Hail State!!! pic.twitter.com/NTtAxcxxIj

— Matt Lea (@tigr2ndbase) June 14, 2018

“I figured it’s probably not good enough just for us to watch the game here,” Matt says in the video as he produces the tickets. “How about we go to Omaha? Do you want to go up to Omaha and watch the College World Series together?”

“Golly,” an emotional Billy responds. “You’re gonna break my heart, here.”

Matt’s gift for his dad received a rapturous response from Twitter, where it’s been liked 46,000 times and retweeted 11,000 times.

Thanks everyone. I live 12 hours away in Florida now so it took him completely by surprise when I showed up. We can’t wait to get up there. Hate we’ll only be there for opening weekend but it’s going to be a great final trip for us.

— Matt Lea (@tigr2ndbase) June 14, 2018

Matt seemed as surprised by the response as his dad was by the gift, as everyone who celebrated Father’s Day yesterday knows, there’s nothing better than sharing meaningful memories with your dad, which is exactly what Matt did. An article on Omaha.com details Billy’s baseball past, the initial diagnosis of his Alzheimer’s, the VIP experience Matt treated him too over the weekend.

Matt’s Twitter account showcased the rest.

Thanks to everyone that made today something we’ll treasure forever. We have a couple things to do tomorrow before have to head home. @HailStateBB keep grinding and believe. You’re a team of destiny. pic.twitter.com/GamW2sEJ9i

— Matt Lea (@tigr2ndbase) June 17, 2018

Thank you @HailStateBB for everything. You’ve given us an incredible time together. Thank you to all that have offered room/tickets for the rest of the games. Dad needs to get home back into his routine and familiar surroundings. Now go get a championship!!!!! pic.twitter.com/5Y0NNORIoo

— Matt Lea (@tigr2ndbase) June 17, 2018

Happy Father’s Day!

Amazing Street Artist Uses Everyday Objects As His Canvas

By Jordan Stratton

Artist Tom Bob doesn’t see the world like other people. Where you and I might see sewer grates or metal pipes, he sees ghosts and saxophone players.

Check out some of the amazing ways he’s transforming parts of New York City into works of art.

Check out more of Tom Bob and his unique artwork here.

Dad’s Press Conference: Post Father’s Day Wrap Up

By The Dad

…Quantity does not equal quality.

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Father Figures: Heroes

By Mike Julianelle

“On February 2, 2011, my daughter was born. The whole thing started pretty normally about 2:30 am or so, my wife woke me up and said, ‘Honey, it is time to go,’ so we went to the hospital in a snowstorm.

That was the easy part.

When they put the belly monitor on her they noticed that the babies heart rate would drop to low whenever my wife would have a contraction. She needed emergency C-section, but the doctor could not make it due to the storm, and when he finally arrived it was rush rush rush!

Well when my daughter Emily did arrive, she had internal bleeding throughout her body, which included two grade 4 brain bleeds. We could not touch her because she would bruise and start bleeding.

They had to life-flight her to the university, where she spent 5 1/2 weeks in the NICU, which left her (you may want to sit down) deaf/blind, with hydrocephalus, a shunt, cerebral palsy, and seizures (at age 6, she needed a baclofen pump because her CP got too bad to handle without it). She is doing great today. She is happy, loves life, and everyone who meets her says that she makes their day and she is beautiful.

To pay back our little community, I became a first responder, mostly a firefighter, but I did help with EMS. Never got my certification, but that is where I found out that in the U.S. we do not have any training for first responders to deal with children with special needs.

I have made it my personal mission to teach first responders about kids with special needs.

I have taken to Emily to every EMS/Fire station in the five counties around me. I have taken her to the police and sheriff’s departments to train them, and now I have a waiting list to get trained.

I don’t know if I am the hero here, but I needed to tell the story.”

– Mike Kuyper

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Low Cost Cosplay Guy Makes The World A Better Place

By Jordan Stratton

Anucha “Cha” Saengchart, the genius behind “Low Cost Cosplay,” has amassed millions of followers with his incredible reimaginings of famous fictional characters.

Whether you’re planning on portraying your favorite anime character or a Marvel superhero, this guy can show you how to do it effectively and on a string budget.