20 Tell Tale Signs Your Child Is A Goth

(Getty/Chris Oakes/Barcroft Media)

“Oh my God! A ghost!”

No, you silly dads. It’s not a ghost – it’s a goth.

I can understand why you’d be confused; it’s hard to keep up with these fricking teens and their fashion trends. So that’s why I have put together this handy guide to tell if your kid is a goth.

1 Translucent Skin

The classic goth giveaway, pale skin, my friends.

2 Black Clothes

Again, a classic, something you should be familiar with already. But we’re just warming up.

3 Smokers

You’re a dad, you’ve seen South Park.

4 Carry Around the Head of an Animal

This one could be subtle. Be sure to check their pockets for the heads of small rodents, and their backpacks for the heads of large equine animals.

5 Big Fans of Harry Potter

Magic? More like… something snappy and dark that rhymes with magic

6 Lost their Virginity on a Grave

Don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions, okay?

7 Drink Blood in their Coffee instead of Cream

Can be tough to spot, but just give the cream (or milk, you guys) a sniff before you use it.

8 Prefer Pepsi to Coke

9 Don't Like Sports

The only sports goths like are Quidditch and tenpin bowling but using skulls instead of bowling balls.

10 Enjoys Horse Riding

It’s practice for when the four horsemen of the apocalypse arrive.

11 Listens to Marilyn Manson

12 Favorite Simpson's Character is Dr. Marvin Monroe

13 Listens to Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Manson + Marvin Monroe = Marilyn Monroe. Wake up, people.

14 Says words like "Radical" and "Cowabunga"

Or maybe that’s surfers.

15 LOVES Murder

Just. Fucking. Loves it.

16 Has a Goth Name like "Alvin Thicklewight," or "Penelope Quickstop"

*shakes fist* Alvvvviiiiiinnnnnn

17 Has a Pet Raven

 

18 Draws the Letter 'S' Weird

You know what I mean. With the lines and stuff

(Wikipedia)

19 Favorite Wacky Racers are Gruesome Twosome

Slag Brothers all the way, my friends

20 When you watch Scooby Doo they always root for the bad guy

This a huge giveaway. You need to clamp down on this shit from a young age

Father and Son Escape Burning Truck in the Nick of Time

(News Channel Nebraska)

19-year old Minnesota man Kobe Sammons drove 500 miles to visit his family in Nebraska. When he arrived he told to his father, Jeremy, that his ride just wasn’t running right. So his dad hopped in the truck and the two went for a drive in hopes of discovering what the problem was.

A short while later they pulled over when Jeremy noticed smoke had entered the cabin of the truck. The smoke quickly turned to heat and it became apparent the engine compartment was on fire.

That’s when both men attempted to open their doors but they would not unlock.

The father wondered if this would be their final moments together.

“I told him he would have to break the glass or kick the door open. I couldn’t help him.” the elder Sammons told News Channel Nebraska.

But eventually Kobe was able to kick the door open.

“It was in those moments. Just when it had to open, the door opened.” Kobe’s dad said.

By the time firefighters arrived the truck was completely engulfed in flames. Authorities on the scene considered that the fire may have caused the doors’ unlocking mechanism to malfunction.

The truck can easily be replaced, the important thing is that this father and son duo escaped unharmed.

75-Year-Old Volunteer Literally Takes Catnaps at Animal Shelter

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

If you’re a cat lover you’ll probably agree that 75-year-old Wisconsinite Terry Lauerman is living the dream. He spends most days volunteering at his local animal shelter snoozing with cats.

Lauerman begins his day at Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary where he brushes any cat that needs it, then ends up catching a few z’s with his feline friends. The cats and staff at the shelter love the service Lauerman provides and so do thousands of others because of a viral Facebook post about him.

Elizabeth Feldhausen, the founder of Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary, told The Huffington Post that Lauerman never signed up to be a volunteer but just showed up one day, armed with a cat brush and dream to help some kitties.

“He just walked in and started brushing,” Feldhausen said. “So eventually we told him he was an official volunteer and had him fill out our volunteer form.”

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

Safe Haven is a cage-free, no-kill shelter aimed at rehabilitating cats with special needs who would likely be euthanized elsewhere. Feldhausen says Lauerman usually comes in for about three hours every day—he’ll start by brushing a cat but usually ends up dozing off.

“He sleeps for about an hour, then he’ll wake up and switch cats,”

The cats aren’t the only ones benefitting from his visits, though. “He said, [the brushing is] as great of an experience for him, as it is for them,” said Feldhausen.

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

The post about Lauerman has received tons of positive attention and according to Feldhausen, they’ve received about $20,000 in donations since the post went viral.

While Lauerman is happy to have brought so much attention to Safe Haven, he wants people to know that there are plenty of other volunteers that put in hours of hard work to make sure the cats are loved and cared for.

Unlike them, however, Lauerman can do it in his sleep.

Father Figures: So Be It

“My money is tight living here in Silicon Valley.

My daughters are both really smart and take advanced classes, which takes a shit load of money for tests, materials and such. I too play the ‘money is tight’ card around holidays and birthdays, but I work my ass off and find side jobs. As many as I can to make sure they have the best day possible on those special occasions.

If that means not buying myself anything for the rest of my life, so be it.

They always come first, and I believe they will appreciate the struggles later on in life, and they’ll be better off for it.”

– Mauro Hernandez

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Dad’s Panoramic Photo of Daughter Goes Horribly Wrong and Viral

(Twitter/sc_x_cs)

With new phones constantly boasting advancements in camera technology, it’s no wonder some people have trouble keeping up—dads in particular.

Just ask 21-year-old Twitter user Simran. She recently came to terms with the fact that her father is a bit more technologically-challenged than she realized.

Here’s how Simran appears when she’s directing the photo shoot:

While on vacation her dad attempted to snap a unique picture of her. He insisted on trying out his iPhone X’s panoramic photo mode. As you probably expect, the photo didn’t turn out quite as planned.

“My dad told me to stand by the apples because he said he discovered a new way to take pano pics vertically,” Simran told Mashable. “I agreed to it and this was the result.”

“When he saw them he said ‘they look great’ and then I saw them and completely lost it. I mean, are you kidding me? I look like an Alien,” she said.

A number of people chimed in and made fun comparisons to some pretty unflattering images.

Clearly, Simran has been a good sport and we commend her dad for a bold attempt at harnessing advanced photo technology. But perhaps he should stick with the old fashioned point-and-shoot method from now on?

Man Struggles to Fit Small Carry-On Bag in Overhead Bin