Dads Are a Bunch of Bumbling Idiots According to These Stock Photos

Parent gets hit by his daughter on the swing while watching smart phone.
(Parent gets hit by his daughter on the swing while watching smart phone.)

Did you know that dads are ridiculously incompetent buffoons? Obviously, we don’t feel that way at The Dad, but if research dads based only on the stock photos used to represent them, this is the only conclusion you will reach. Let’s take a closer look at some of these idiots.

From the moment a man finds out he is going to be a father, the ridiculousness begins.

(AntonioGuillem/Getty)

His wife is a smiling blissful angel ready to embrace the selfless journey of motherhood. He, on the other hand, is wondering how that baby was made (“Was this because I did a sex?”) and how this will affect his time playing Halo on Xbox Live.

Right from birth, dads are already blowing it big time.

(Jade and Bertrand Maitre/Getty)

This guy has been a dad for literally 7 seconds and he’s already being annoying as heck. Welcome to the world, tiny infant, get used to your dad being a goofy doofus.

Okay so a dad maybe a goofball, but when it comes to the care of his family on a day-to-day basis, he is a responsible contributor around the house, maybe? Turns out no, not at all.

(lukas_zb/Getty)

In fact, some men are SO opposed to housework, they can’t even be in the same room with clothes that are unfolded.

AndreyPopov/
(AndreyPopov/Getty)

“Halt, take these inferior garments from my presence. Return them from whence they came!”

If stock photos teach us anything it is that men must ignore their hardworking women, whatever the cost.

KatarzynaBialasiewicz
(KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty)

This guy has found a way to take actively ignoring his wife to the next level. To the ridiculous, “that-looks-really-uncomfortable-for everyone” level. Because no way is that not affecting his game performance right now.

And while I respect his approach, do you know what the best way to avoid contributing anything is? Just pass out.

(KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty)

Drop your whole, untouched chocolate bar in your chip bowl, wipe your hands on your sleeveless undershirt and go to unconscious-land. She’ll never find you there.

JUST in case it wasn’t clear who the slacker is and who the hero is in this situation, there is a little hint in this photo.

(Robert Daly/Getty)

It’s subtle, I know. But it’s there.

If a dad ever DOES take the leap to try to help with household chores, its sure to end in utter disaster.

(PeopleImages/Getty)

DAD, NO! DAD, DON’T! Dad, you obviously put too much soap in the washer! (also don’t put a kid in there head first blah blah blah…)

So now we have established that men are clearly no help around the house, but at least they can help with parenting, right?

(ferrantraite/Getty)

Wrong-o. Check out this dummy, who apparently doesn’t know how “swings” work and can’t look away from his fantasy football (he’s in last place).

Or there’s this dad, who is excited to watch his kid smash this piggy bank open with a…tiny…sledgehammer?

(Clandestini/Getty)

Because boy does he want to use that 3.25 to get some ice cream without asking mom! Those rascals!

Really any time a dad has to spend with family it is excruciatingly difficult for his puny dad-mind to process.

(Echo/Getty)

“GAHHH my family has needs! They keep talking words at me! They expect me to contribute!” It’s really tragic that this dad is expected to participate on the preparation for a family outing, surely his melodramatic mental breakdown is justified.

But, after all these discouraging failures, there is something we can always count on dads to do right: man the grill.

(Casarsa/Getty)

Uhh… wait. This seems less-than-successful. You know, in his defense, maybe his wife didn’t say “Don’t forget NOT to let little Timmy grill your head again.” She should have reminded him.

Maybe we can still count on dads for the classic man-job of outdoor maintenance and pool care?

(Blend Images/DreamPictures/Getty)

Oh yikes. Dad, wake up from your lazy slime-water nap to save your daughter from jumping into that shallow toxic waste.

Well, okay, they aren’t helpful with housework, parenting, grilling, or yard maintenance but come ON. There has to be something a dad can do right. What about…say, walking?

(KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty)

Nope. Not that either.

You got us, stock photos. You really roasted us good.

Father Figures: Anything For A Laugh

(Joel Willis)

“To make my kids laugh, I dressed in an adult Eeyore onesie and moped around the house. I looked ridiculous. But my daughter laughed so hard she went and got the neighbor to show her. Worth it.”

Ask The Dad: Awful 2nd Grade Basketball Coach

(Getty)

This question is from Doug in Worcester, MA.

My son is in 2nd grade and plays basketball for a youth team. His coach is just awful, and by “awful,” I mean that I think he must’ve found out that the game of basketball existed yesterday. He doesn’t know his ass from his elbow out there. However, the kids seem to be having fun and the other parents don’t seem to mind. Should I just keep my mouth shut? I don’t want to be that dad, but also don’t want my kid to learn the wrong way to play basketball.

Bruh, you’re totally being that dad. Your kid is in 2nd grade, so that means he’s like 7-years-old, right? I coach a 1st grade basketball team, and I feel like I’ve done my job if I can get the kids to shoot on the proper basket.

(Doyin Richards)

But I get it — you’re from a diehard sports state, you love basketball, and you want to ensure your kid is being taught the right way. But based on the fact you said the kids are having fun and none of the parents are bothered by the coach, I’m wondering if you could be overstating how “bad” this guy really is.

If he’s enjoying himself, be sure to keep it that way — because finding activities that kids actually enjoy consistently is half the battle at that age. Besides, even if the coach is terrible, ain’t no college scouts coming to see your boy play right now anyway. If you feel like you’re a hybrid of Phil Jackson and Gregg Popovich, you can always pull him aside at home to give him some pointers on the “proper way” to play basketball. Just don’t show up the coach in front of the parents and players. Then your son will have the label of the “kid with the crazy dad” (there’s one in every youth league) and that would really suck for him.

So yeah, just keep your opinions to yourself. Or else I may have to dunk on you.

(Doyin Richards)

Brave Goalie Saves Goal With His Penis

image via Getty images/ Manuel-F-O

This is truly man at his best

I never enjoyed playing soccer as a kid, nor watching soccer as an adult, and over the years I’ve watched America’s slow adoption of the world’s most popular sport with bemusement and concern. Did I miss the boat?

Because the other day, a German goalkeeper made the ultimate sacrifice to do his job when he stopped a ball with his penis.

The bizarre incident only leaves me more conflicted. I’m glad I didn’t play enough soccer for this to happen to me, but I’m sad I don’t watch enough soccer to see it happen to someone else…

A story on Goal.com details Rafael Wolf, a goalkeeper for a team called Fortuna Dusseldorf, prevented the opposing team from netting points by using his crotch to deflect a free kick.

Normally, you might want to keep something like that quiet, especially since after getting hit in the nuts with a soccer ball, you probably can’t speak for a while anyway. But Wolf seems almost proud to be a socc-blocker.

“You always say with your balls but this one I saved with my penis,” the 29-year-old said after the match.

That’s definitely true. I do always say “with your balls.” Ask my wife!

His heroics helped Fortuna Dusseldorf overcome Arminia Bielefeld 2-0, which means he could have skipped out of the way to protect himself and still won the match, but no. He refused. He also inexplicably refuses to wear a cup, claiming it stops him from being able to run well. You know what also stops you from being able to run well? AGONIZING PAIN TO THE CROTCHAL REGION.

“I have worn protection as a youth at Hallenspielen. But you can’t run properly – it’s crap!”

Not as crappy as no longer being able to have children? It’s an unanswerable question, except for the fact that running improperly is nowhere near as crappy.

Don’t worry, after the match, the goalkeeper shrugged off the injury and dismissed the pain as no big deal.

HAHAHA, JUST KIDDING!

“First the pain was hellish but after some ice and rest it was okay.”

Yeah, cool. It started at “hellish” and then slowly went to “holy shit I’m dying” before ramping down to merely “torturous” and eventually subsiding. No big deal!

The good news is, with the victory Rafael and his teammates remain atop the “2 Bundesliga table, three points clear of second placed Holsten Kiel after 10 games.”

None of which I understand and am not entirely convinced wasn’t something the goalkeeper blurted out while writhing in pain on the pitch.

Father Figures: Disappearing Accent

(Andrew Chamings)

“I’ve been a stay-at-home-dad for five years now. My incredible wife has the big career in the city. I know she often gets jealous that I get to spend so much time with the girls, and I miss talking to adults during the day, but it works. Because my daughter spent so much time with me she had a hilarious little British accent for a while, but now she’s at kindergarten it’s disappearing.”