Neil deGrasse Tyson is everyone’s favorite friendly neighborhood astrophysicist. He’s a scientist, author, speaker, self-proclaimed geek, and tweeter. And while we have to give Neil credit for making science accessible to the general public, we also have a complaint. And it’s a big one: The man keeps ruining stuff for us.
It’s like he delights in using his scientific vacuum to suck the fun out of things. Here are some of his most aggravating wet-blanket tweets.
This is definitely not a guy you want to watch a movie with. Not only will he make observations on the science of it all, but he will lace in a heavy dose of cynicism.
Evidence that the @MartianMovie is fantasy: All who make important decisions are scientifically literate.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) October 2, 2015
Do not invite Neil to your Game of Thrones viewing party, even if he offers to bring guacamole. He’s just going to want to talk dragon-physics.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) September 24, 2017
Wishing Upon A Star
Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, get this guy to STOP RUINING MY KID’S FUN tonight.
If you wished upon that first Star you saw tonight in twilight, then it will not likely come true. You wished on planet Venus
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) December 2, 2016
Speaking of kids, can you imagine letting ol’ Uncle Neil read the kids a bedtime story? “Bring your graphing calculators and gather ‘round, kiddos.”
FYI: A Cow can jump over the Moon if she aims where the Moon will be in three days, then leaps at about 25,000 miles per hour
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) October 8, 2017
Well, these are some warm holiday wishes, if you disregard all the last stuff, that didn’t need to be said…in any way…at all….whatsoever.
To all on the Gregorian Calendar, Happy New Year! A day that's not astronomically significant…in any way…at all…whatsoever.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) January 1, 2017
Surely there’s no way for one man to ruin kissing for everyone is there? Oh, wait, yep. Here it is.
Space aliens would surely think it odd that one way humans express affection is the simultaneous exchange of saliva.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) January 5, 2016
Never mind all the other things he’s ruined, this tweet alone definitely puts Neil on the naughty list. Maybe next year he could try…you know…not being a total ruiner.
As Earth warms, and Arctic ice melts, Santa will lose his habitat too. Soon we’ll see photos of him clutched to an ice floe.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) December 25, 2015
She says her husband’s addiction nearly derailed their marriage
Marriage is a vulnerable thing. There are a lot of ways it can die, from bangs (literally banging someone else) to whimpers (I’ve considered ending it with my wife because she doesn’t like animals). There are mundane issues, like money problems and kid-related stress, health issues, job issues, simple growing apart, too much drinking, he’s a Jets fan, she loves Moulin Rouge, and on and on and on.
There are countless ways for love to die.
Including, apparently, an addiction to video games.
At least that’s what former Buffy the Vampire Slayer star Sarah Michelle Gellar told Harry Connick Jr. about her marriage to Freddie “Never let it drop” Prinze Jr. on his talk show, which he has for some reason.
Gellar went on Harry to discuss the secrets to a successful marriage, or at least the secrets to theirs, which is going strong after 15 years. Despite Freddie’s once-crippling World of Warcraft addiction, according to his wife.
“There used to be a game called ‘World of Warcraft,’” SMG told Connick Jr. “I literally at this point was like, I lost my husband, so I joined a support group ― not a joke ― called ‘Widows of Warcraft,’” she said.
Gellar went on to offer suggestions to other women who may have super-nerd gamer husbands, and suggested one foolproof way to get them to stop.
“Ladies, if you are losing them to video game world, there are support groups out there on this thing called the world wide interweb and you can meet other people who have dealt with this same issue and have suggestions on how to communicate [about] the video game,” she said. Or, Gellar joked, “Have kids, cause there’s just no time.”
I can vouch for that! I’m not a gamer – the last time I played regularly was when I was single and unemployed and I would mute the TV and listen to CDs on my boombox while I played Madden ’99. I’M AN OLD MAN. I prefer my phone. – but it’s hard enough to wipe your own butt without your kids crawling up it.
I’ve seen them around flashing screens; they’re even more attractive to my kids than disrupting my bowel movements.
Oh, that’s another thing Gellar suggested, aside from guilting her husband into not having fun: separate bathrooms.
“Separate bathrooms,” she told the crooner. “I feel like there are certain things that should just be kept your own and they never need to know.”
Sounds like Freddie needs to get his Playstation installed in the shitter!
(Imagine I’m sitting backwards on a chair for this first part.) Listen up, dads. We all get sad sometimes. We all get frustrated, angry, and downright sad. Tough day at work. Grueling weekend with the kids. Life feels bleak sometimes and that’s okay. Now, bearing that fact in mind, I want to tell you all a story that cheers me up when I’m not in best form. Whenever I think of it I smile, and other people I have told it to have said the same.
Next time you’re feeling less than your best, maybe this story will do you a big cheer up.
First off, here’s the context. A friend of mine told me this story seven years ago. The protagonist was her sister’s friend, but for the purposes of coherent storytelling let’s call her “my friend.” Actually, let’s name her. Why the hell not? Let’s call her… what’s a good name? Charly. That’ll do.
My friend, Charly, was on a train. She was sitting at one of those seats that have a shared table between them, and she had a relatively long journey ahead of her. She got out her book and placed it on the table. She got a KitKat (other confectionary products available) out of her pocket and placed that next to the book. She settled into her chair, and looked out of the window. Here is a recreation of the scene. This isn’t Charly, but because I am showing you the gif you now understand what looking out of the window might look like.
At the next station, a man got on the train and sat opposite her. I’ve never considered that this man might also have a name so I’m a little thrown here, but fuck it let’s give him a name too. This man, Leighton (good name choice, Tom, I can hear you saying) did what Charly did and put his belongings on the table too. A newspaper, a muffin.
Now, Charly is reading her book, carrying on as you would expect, keeping herself to herself. At some point in the journey she notices something from the corner of her eye. Leighton was eating her KitKat. The bastard literally picked her KitKat up from the table, opened it, and took one of the fingers. And he ate it.
Charly was raging. If this was a cartoon, steam would be pouring out of her ears. She was furious.
But did she say anything? Absolutely not. That would be confrontational, and nobody likes that. She did want to take her revenge though. So, without hesitation, she grabbed the other half of the KitKat and stuffed it in her mouth. She ate it with fury in her eyes, staring at Leighton. He seemed slightly taken aback by her, presumably because she was eating like a complete psychopath.
She went back to silently staring out of the window in a fit of rage. The train journey was fairly lengthy so she had plenty of time to let her fury develop fully as she rode along the tracks. Eventually, she reached her station.
Charly stood up, and gathered her belongings. But she was still furious. She wanted to teach Leighton a lesson about respecting other people’s space, respecting their property, respecting boundaries. And then she noticed his muffin, still sat on the table. Without a second thought, Charly did the only thing any self-respecting person could do in that situation: she punched that muffin.
That’s right. She gathered all her strength, and she punched that muffin right into the table, smashing it to bits. Leighton looked horrified. “Take that, you knobhead,” she thought to herself, as she picked the crumbs from between her fingers. Then, she turned, hopped off the train, and watched it pull away. She had won. She had taught him a lesson, and she could continue her day basking in the glow of victory.
As Charly went to leave the station, she went to grab her ticket from her coat pocket. But wait? There was something else in there… Her KitKat.
That’s right, lads. My friend Charly stole some poor bastard’s KitKat.
So the next time life isn’t going your way and you think things couldn’t get any worse, just remember, at least you didn’t steal a grown man’s candy and then look into his eyes and punch his muffin in a fit of rage.
As you were.
Did the player go too far? Or was the kid putting in the fix?
I’m an American, so I’m not going to pretend I understand the world’s obsession with soccer. (Although if heroes like this fearless goalie continue to emerge, I might have to change my stance.)
I do understand rabid fan bases though, and the feeling that something is amiss during a game, whether it actually is or not. And I definitely understand meddling kids! So soccer novice or not, this story about what happened during Sydney FC and Adelaide United’s FFA Cup Final makes a lot of sense to me.
Near the end of the match, one of the players on Adelaide United appeared to tackle the ball boy, ostensibly because the kid was slow to return the ball so play could continue, and not because the player simply dislikes kids. (Both reasons are totally understandable, tbh.)
Bobo had just scored in extra-time
Then, THIS ????????????https://t.co/Ww6hKIvkxY
— FOX SPORTS Football (@FOXFOOTBALL) November 21, 2017
The player, Michael Marrone, appeared to merely be attempting to get the ball back from the kid so he could throw it in and Adelaide could continue their attempt to win the match. But dude got a little rough, and the players on Sydney’s side did not take too kindly to it. A scrum developed, and Marrone received a red card.
115' RED CARD!
— FOX SPORTS Football (@FOXFootballLive) November 21, 2017
Obviously getting rough with a little boy on the sidelines of a soccer match is not a good look, but was Marrone right to be frustrated with the kid’s alleged lack of motivation? Some people sure think so!
— West Sydney Football (@WestSydney) November 21, 2017
Wow. Them’s fighting words. Or at least “tackling the ball boy” words.
Others are a bit more measured, and no one is advocating for getting physical with young kids, but questions remain about the ball boy’s actions.
You should never touch a ball boy, and it should definitely be an offence, but this isn't an isolated incident. Perhaps in future a reluctance to give up the ball in a vital time should result in a penalty? #FFACUP
— Julian Schiller (@Julesschiller) November 21, 2017
Agree Michael Marrone shouldn’t have touched the ball boy but absolutely no malice there. And not sure why ball wasn’t thrown back immediately…
— TomRehn9 (@tomrehn9) November 21, 2017
Not helping matters is the fact that after the match, which Sydney won, the ball boy seemed to have a conspicuously prominent role in the trophy ceremony…
Australian football has reached a new peak tonight:
-Ball boy holds onto ball and gets crash tackled/dives
-crash tackle/dive sparks all in brawl
-Ball boy receives Sydney FC winners medal
-Ball boy gets to lift the FFA Cup trophy
Australian football never change❤️#FFACupFinal pic.twitter.com/r12538eCRB
— Jarrad (@JarradHD) November 21, 2017
Look, I’m not here to throw stones. I don’t know how slow the kid was in throwing the ball back, or even how much money he laid on Sydney to win (I kid, I kid!). But after seeing him standing up there, hoisting a trophy with a shit-eating grin? I bet Marrone thinks that red card was totally worth it.
One thing’s for sure, intentional or not, the kid was a real difference maker!
How will the ball boy score in our player ratings? Pivotal performance and a game changer.
— Kevin Airs (@KevinAirs442) November 21, 2017
“I just came home after a long day, so I was pretty tired, and a bit stressed. I headed upstairs and was surprised when I stumbled across this chaos when I got to the top. I asked my daughter what she was doing. She told me that she was playing School Of Rock, and then proceeded to start singing for her ‘audience.’ Clearly, she put a lot of time and effort into putting this all together. At that point, all I could do was laugh at the ridiculousness. Well, laugh, and tell her that she was going to have a lot work to do, cleaning up the hallway.
Every year around the holidays, desperate spouses and significant others scour stores and the internet for cool and unique gift ideas for the men in their lives. Retail establishments are more than happy to oblige by taking advantage of consumers high on the season of giving.
If you Google “gifts for dads,” lists upon lists appear with promise of featuring gifts men actually want. But are these gifts what men actually want? Or are they what an underpaid retail manager toiling away in a cubicle thinks that someone hypothetically might buy for a stereotypical “man” in hopes of avoiding another generic gift card?
The types of people Googling “gifts for dads” tend to be desperate. And desperate times call for absurd gift guides.
Let’s check out some of this year’s biggest gift-giving nopes from Bloomingdale’s Gift Guide for Dads.
1 VELOUR SWEATSHIRT - $59
For when you want to look like a soccer mom circa 2004. But, just in case this velour monstrosity isn’t velour-ey enough for you, you can buy matching velour pants. Perfect for accentuating your moose knuckle.
2 OAK BOTTLE - $90
Send the message that you go on many adventures in the woods where you do manly-man things like whittle tree trunks into bottles with your bare hands before hollowing them out using your teeth and engraving them using a tooth from a shark you beat in a cage match in the octagon. Settle TF down, MacGyver.
3 FANNY PACK - $125
To increase your likelihood of being kicked in the dick by 70% because you decided to wear a $125 fanny pack. On the plus side, you can store your balls and man card neatly inside.
4 ON EAR WIRELESS HEADPHONES - $399
Wow. I’m sure glad they clarified that these are headphones for on the ears. I was about to shove these up my ass just for funsies. The look is perfect for that man in your life who thinks Beats headphones aren’t stylish enough because they don’t look like the leather-bound steering wheel of my grandpa’s Oldsmobile.
5 “SLIDES” - $195
These “slides” scream mid-life crisis. For the man struggling to stay relevant and trying to relive his fraternity days as the ultimate dude bro. Try as you may to make these sound way hipper than they are, the fact remains that these are just your ordinary flippy floppies. Only $100 more than anyone should spend on shoes that cover less than half of your feet.
6 GENTLEMAN'S HARDWARE (WINE AND CHEESE SET) - CURRENTLY SOLD OUT
For the man in your life who enjoys saying the word “charcuterie.” And let’s face it, who doesn’t? Gentleman’s hardware? It can’t be. No gentleman’s hardware set would be complete without a monocle. Currently sold out. Now I don’t know where I shall place my apple and wheel of cheese. On a plate like a lowly peasant? I think not!
7 HORSEBIT SHOES - $520
You know, the other day I thought, “I really want some shoes that will make me look like a 70s pimp betting at the tracks. Also, put some equine hardware on them.” Then lo and behold, I stumbled upon these, and I did the Hustle while listening to ABBA’s greatest hits and askin’ where my money at.
8 WAXED COTTON JACKET - $429
Wait, you mean to tell me your cotton isn’t waxed? GTFO with your poor people cotton.
9 CARRY ON COCKTAIL KIT - CURRENTLY SOLD OUT
Act like an absolute D-bag after boarding a flight by whipping out your very own cocktail kit just for flying. Because plane cocktails are shit and the thought of consuming one made by the common hands of a stewardess offends you. No crap-ass drink cart Moscow Mules for you. No, sir. *polishes monocle and twirls mustache*
10 BEST DAD EVER NAME PLATE - $29
Let everyone at work know that you chain smoke cigars in your office and keep two-buck chuck stashed in your mahogany bureau, but that you’re also a family man. Maybe your family bought this for you, maybe you purchased it yourself because your kids and wife hate you for all the “late nights” and missed recitals. The only reason this should exist is if there was only one in existence. And TOO BAD. That one already belongs to the best dad I know… Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
11 “ULTIMATE MAN” SOAP - $15
Perfect for washing up after you’ve wrestled a bear, punched a kraken in the kidneys, built a log cabin, and chugged motor oil, all one-handed while using the other to put a good dip in.
12 URBAN CONCRETE INDIGO CANDLE - $30
The concrete on this candle is great for strapping to my ankles and wading out into the ocean to drown just so I can forget a fucking Indigo candle exists. Use as many fancy pants adjectives as you want to describe this, it’s still just a gob of wax with a wick inside. Nobody needs a $30 “potted” candle. Are you high? Maybe it’s all the indigo you’re inhaling. I can’t ever recall a time when I thought, “You know what I could really go for right now? Some Indigo stench.”
13 TRAVEL AND EXPERIENCES NOTEBOOK - $80
Travel and Experiences Journal, Page 1, Entery 1: I just had a very interesting experience. My Mother-in-Law Brenda just purchased me an $80 journal for writing about my travels and experiences. Would have preferred an $80 train ticket for a long travel away from this place.
14 TORCHED BOTTLE OPENER - $35
Do you need to get a gift for a dad you low-key hate? Give the gift that says, “I wouldn’t piss on fire to put you out” with this literal hunk of flaming garbage that looks like it’s a makeshift shank that was confiscated during a prison drug bust.
These gifts come with a money-back guarantee that you’ll get a polite, high-pitched “Oh, thanks, Honey” after opening, and put on a desk or in the closet only to be moved closer and closer to the donation pile until they “mysteriously” disappear one day.
He pre-planned birthday messages to his daughter
A 21-year-old girl took to Twitter to share a picture of the flowers her father sent her for her birthday. A nice gesture in any circumstance, but it becomes infinitely more meaningful when you learn that her father died before her sixteenth birthday.
Before he passed, he arranged for birthday flowers to be sent to his daughter – for five years.
My dad passed away when I was 16 from cancer and before he died he pre payed flowers so i could receive them every year on my birthday. Well this is my 21st birthday flowers and the last. Miss you so much daddy. ???? pic.twitter.com/vSafKyB2uO
— Bailey Sellers (@SellersBailey) November 24, 2017
Bailey Sellers shared the picture of the flowers, a pic of she and her dad at the beach from years ago, and a shot of the note her dad sent letting her know it was the last time she’d hear from him “until [they] meet again.”
The tweet that accompanied the photos reads:
“My dad passed away when I was 16 from cancer and before he died he pre payed flowers so i could receive them every year on my birthday. Well this is my 21st birthday flowers and the last. Miss you so much daddy. ????”
In the note, her dad told her he’d be watching every milestone, to respect her mom and stay true to herself, all lessons every good dad teaches his kids, hopefully while they’re still alive. But Bailey’s dad’s commitment to his daughter truly went the extra mile, and Twitter agrees.
In just two days, the tweet has over 1.4 million likes and more than 330,000 retweets. The attention must be bittersweet for Bailey herself, who later referred to the photo of her dad’s note as “probably the hardest thing I’ve ever read.”
Twitter was there for Bailey, and has major props for her dad.
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Don’t we all.
Greetings, internet historians! You may remember a trend from the previous decade called “Rickrolling.” That’s right, I said “decade.” Yes, it seems like only yesterday that I attempted to open a video called Bert & Ernie Exclusive Kissing Footage, only to be cruelly redirected to footage of Rick Astley shimmying in front of a microphone. Alas, it was not yesterday. It was 10 ago that Rickrolling reached its apogee.
The Main Event
On November 27, 2008, the man himself, Rick Astley, took the entire Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade by surprise when he suddenly appeared on the Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends float, singing “Never Gonna Give You Up.” For one brief, wondrous moment, it was like the entire country had been duped into clicking a prank link.
If you listen closely, you can hear a monster yelling, “I like Rickrolling!” at the end of the video. Well, bud, that makes one of us.
A Brief History of Rickrolling
On July 27, 1987, Rick Astley blessed the world with a sorta-soulful-mostly-cheesy, VERY catchy pop song called “‘Never Gonna Give You Up”. It was the debut song from his debut album. Well, folks, it was a hit. The song raced up the charts and hit number one in 25 countries, including the United States and Astley’s native United Kingdom.
30 years ago today I said I was Never Gonna Give You Up. I am a man of my word – Rick x pic.twitter.com/VmbMQA6tQB
— Rick Astley (@rickastley) July 27, 2017
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your musical tastes), it was Astley’s only smash hit.
After the 80s, the song largely disappeared — until 2007. That’s when some prankster at 4chan got ahold of it, attached it to a misleading link that redirected to the music video, and the Rickroll was born.
If you haven’t gotten it yet, Rickrolling means that someone sends you a link for something that you’d be interested in seeing. The link has a disguised URL, so you can’t tell that it’s not actually the video you thought you were going to see. When you click it, you’re taken to the Rick Astley video. Burn!
Yes, it’s stupid. Yes, it’s valueless. What do you want me to say? It’s the internet, dude.
It didn’t take long for Rickrolling to gain steam online. By April Fool’s Day, 2008, it was part of the mainstream. Quite a few media companies Rickrolled themselves that day, including YouTube, which Rickrolled ALL of its featured videos (remember featured videos?!). Furthering the phenomenon, a website named ComedyCalls provided a way for people to Rickroll their friends’ phones.
Only a few weeks later, it was reported by the BBC that about 13 million people had been Rickrolled. In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Astley said, “I think it’s just one of those odd things where something gets picked up and people run with it. But that’s what’s brilliant about the internet.”
Proving he was a good sport about the whole thing, Astley leaned right into the unexpected resurgence of the song, and the meme, by pranking us all with the legendary Thanksgiving Day Rickroll.
At current count, “Never Gonna Give You Up” has 374,352,518 views on YouTube. We estimate 374,350,000 of those were Rickrolls.
For your viewing pleasure, here are some of the best Rickrolls of all time. Feel free to use these links to trick your friends. They’ve probably forgotten all about this meme by now, so it’s the perfect time to pull one over on those unsuspecting idiots.
Chemistry class gets Rickrolled
The Foo Fighters Rickroll Westborough Baptist Church
Family Guy gets in on the action, as usual
Rick & Morty, too
Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi pranks us with cats
Ted Cruz Rickrolls Trump
And my personal favorite, the R2D2 Rickroll
Happy 10-year anniversary to the Thanksgiving Rickroll of 2008!
The Vikings player wrote the request on his t-shirt
This Thanksgiving, Minnesota Vikings defensive end Everson Griffen had plenty to be thankful for. His division-leading Vikings got a big 30-23 win over the rival Detroit Lions, Griffen recorded his 11th sack of the season, and he announced that he’s having a baby boy!
After he notched that sack, he pulled down a t-shirt under his jersey. Written on the shirt was both an announcement and a request: “I just had a baby boy. What should we name him?”
— Minnesota Vikings (@Vikings) November 23, 2017
If the message seemed hastily written, it was probably because his third baby was born while Griffen was warming up for the game, and he actually watched the birth via FaceTime while prepping to face the Lions!
“I don’t know,” Griffen said. “I was thinking about doing something, and I just thought of that. You know, ‘This will be funny.'”
I guess when you need some help brainstorming, asking the millions of people watching the Thanksgiving games is a good way to get it.
And the internet certainly wasn’t afraid to offer their suggestions.
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I’m starting to think people didn’t take his request seriously…
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After that flurry of non-contenders, the NFL UK’s Twitter account chimed in.
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Not everyone appreciated their suggestions.
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If I were any of these people, I wouldn’t be quite so cavalier about these jokey name ideas. Have you seen Everson Griffen?
This last one seems to capture the proper spirit, especially if the little one is anything like his Daddy.
Everson Griffen (@EversonGriffen) wants help naming his baby boy… let's send him some possible names folks!
We we're thinking Tank Griffen but always open to suggestions! pic.twitter.com/SttexlHubP
— 12up (@12upSport) November 23, 2017