Tweet Roundup: The 16 Funniest Tweets About School Supplies

(Getty/Chattrawutt Hanjukkam/EyeEm)

Summer is drawing to a close and you know what that means: supply lists are upon. So load up that minivan, empty that wallet, and enjoy these 16 hilarious tweets about back-to-school shopping.

Supply lists. The enemy.

Brace yourselves; they’re long.

Really long.

And often confusing.

Seriously, what are they teaching these days?

Much easier when we were kids.

Regardless, most of these supplies won’t be used as intended.

Kids like to think outside the supply box.

You’ll need the classics. Pencils.

Glue. Lots of glue.

Don’t forget to write your kids’ names on everything!

This could take some time.

So ensure that you only gotta do it once.

But don’t worry, this’ll all be over soon.

Take pride in your accomplishment here.

And don’t forget to grab some supplies of your own.

Hospital Gives “Baby Shark” Onesies to Babies Born During Shark Week

Baby Shark Onesie Giveaway
(Twitter/ChristHospital)

Baby Shark has not only taken over baseball stadiums and cereal bowls everywhere, as it has now overtaken, predictably, shark week. Less predictably, it has now overtaken hospitals, as one Cincinnati hospital is giving every baby born during shark week a “Baby Shark” onesie.

Shark Week used to be pure. It used to be exclusively about terrifying sharks and the horrors they were capable of. It’s supposed to be about tales from old fishermen about the time they fought off a shark with their bare hands or Discovery Channel shows that are different variations of the exact same shark story.

And now, instead of Shark Week, we have “Baby Shark Week.”

The onesie giveaway is a partnership between the Christ Hospital system in Cincinnati and The Newport Aquarium (the city’s aquarium, which is actually in a different state but just be cool about it). And it’s not just limited to the babies, as the aquarium is giving free tickets to mommy and daddy shark.

Hopefully, it is also coming with an apology for being the first to send their child down the dark and unforgiving baby shark path.

Wife Tells Husband They are Expecting a Son After Seven Daughters

Daughter and Dad Reel in a 700-Pound Tuna

Dad and Daughter Reel in 700lb Tuna
(Facebook/Boston 25 News)

Fishing can be a bonding experience between a dad and a child. It’s almost a lost art, given the limited attention span of today’s youth. But that doesn’t apply to all kids, and certainly not one teenager near Boston, who recently teamed up with her dad to reel in a 700-pound tuna.

The struggle to bring in the big fish took nearly 10 hours, with 18-year-old Devin switching off with her dad every 45 minutes or so. The massive tuna put up a fight, dragging the boat for nearly eight miles before humbly admitting defeat.

“It was just so exciting,” Devin told Boston 25. “Like you have to be there, like you have to catch it yourself to know how exciting it is.”

That means there is a one thousand percent chance that I’ll never know how exciting it is. And while we may not be able to fully relate on that scale, it’s hard not to be impressed with the effort. Devin told WCVB it was an ‘exhausting’ day.

“I was super dehydrated,” she said. “I am not the strongest in the group, so it was really challenging to reel it in.”

She also said she and her brother have been competing over the years to see who could bring in a tuna first, as their dad caught his first at age 13. They hoped to get $10 a pound for the tuna, which makes it one of the more lucrative father-daughter bonding experiences you can have. Her dad called Devin “instrumental in the whole fight” when some media outlets sought to erase the dad’s role from the epic catch.

De Niro, Pacino, Pesci and Scorsese are Back for ‘The Irishman’

The Irishman Official Teaser
(YouTube/Netflix)

The highly anticipated trailer for Martin Scorsese’s “The Irishman” has finally arrived.

The biopic, adapted from the 2003 Charles Brandt Novel I Heard You Paint Houses, tells the story of Frank “The Irishman” Sheeran, a labor union leader and suspected hitman for the Bufalino crime family. The film also stars heavy-hitters such as Joe Pesci, Al Pacino,  and Harvey Keitel — a sure sign that this is a quintessential mob movie.

The production, which took over 12 years to finally come to fruition, details the life of Sheeran including his time spent as an enforcer for the mafia. The film is notable not only for it’s cast and crew, but also its use of a new technology dubbed “de-aging” which helps tell the decades long story without relying on alternate actors to play the younger roles. The effects were handled by Industrial Light & Magic, Lucasfilm’s division which is responsible for mega franchises like Star Wars and Jurassic Park.

Pacino, who stars as union activist Jimmy Hoffa, opens the clip by placing a call to De Niro’s Sheeran, introducing a relationship that’s rumored to have eventually led to Hoffa’s disappearance in 1975. “Our friend speaks very highly of you,” says Hoffa. “I hear you paint houses,” he adds, a code for carrying out hits for hire. “What ever you need me to do, I’m available,” replies Sheeran.

Fans of wise guy based biographies will be pleased with how many familiar faces appear in the 2-minute long trailer. De Niro, who has been attached to the project since the beginning, told the Hollywood Reporter that the film has “been a long time coming.”

In a recent interview, De Niro told reporters “It’s a terrific book…I read it and I said, ‘Marty, you should read this book because I think maybe this is what we should try and [do],'” adding “I’m excited to see it and to share it after all this time working on it.” 

The Irishman, which was initially announced back in 2008, will have a limited release in theaters and will stream on Netflix later this year.

This Dad’s Solution to a Crying Toddler Is… Brilliant

dad and crying toddler
(Digg/Jesse Merl)

Since the dawn of time, fathers from every walk of life have searched for an answer to the eternal conundrum of a crying child. Whether it’s playing a certain song, reading them their favorite book or just straight up bribery, we all have our secret weapons when it comes to dealing with a cranky kid.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, one California dad may have just cracked the case wide open. Jesse Merl, a father of three, says this trick works for him every single time. After raising his kids, ages six, three and one, the seasoned dad has a pretty decent tactic for tantrums.

He uploaded the video proof, saying “I figured it out with one of my daughters a long time ago. Works every single time.”

While crying back at my kids has always been a staple of my parenting repertoire, the addition of reverse psychology is some next level shit, to be honest. I mean sure, we’ve all used these time tested techniques… but TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME? That has to be right up there with the first person who added jelly to a peanut butter sandwich.

Sometimes though, kids are just cranky. Adults too. Honestly, adults are cranky like 85% of the time, we’ve just developed a thick shell made of experience, debt and responsibility that helps to cover it up.

While it may not work in every situation, we salute Jesse and thank all the parents who actually share what works. Cheers!

Dad Hands out Resumes at Busy Intersection, Goes Viral, Gets Hired

Dad Hands out Resumes at Intersection
(Twitter/MelissaDiGianfilippo)

When Patrick Hoagland was laid off last month, the 30-year-old dad from Arizona wasted no time applying for a new job. Unfortunately, after submitting resumes to dozens of openings, Hoagland was still without work for weeks. “It caught me by surprise. And after that, I had some other stresses in life going on, and I really needed to get a job,” Hoagland told Las Vegas affiliate KVVU.

In the ultimate act of self-promotion, Hoagland decided to do the only thing he could think of to get his name out there: He printed out copies of his resume and made a sign. Then, for several days last week where temperatures climbed above 110 degrees in Phoenix, Hoagland hit the pavement and posted up at a busy intersection during the daily commute. While many drivers took notice, it was one particular interaction that ended up leading to a lot of attention for the out of work father.

Melissa DiGianfilippo, one of the owners at a Phoenix marketing firm called Serendipit Consulting, saw Hoagland on the corner and gestured for him to come over. However, just as she grabbed his resume, the light changed and she was forced to continue on her way. But upon arrive at work, the PR pro posted the resume and details of the interaction on Twitter.

“I just thought, I have a wide network so I’ll post it on social media and see what happens and it was crazy. It blew up,” said DiGianfilippo. Hoagland says the post along, with his time spent in the scorching heat, garnered hundreds of job offers from employers from around the area. “It was crazy. It was hard to navigate my phone for a little bit,” Hoagland said. “I received offers from companies that wouldn’t hire you without experience, but because they saw my determination, they offered me a position without even an interview.”

The enterprising endeavor has now landed Hoagland a new gig at a local concrete company where he started this week. He’s thankful to Melissa and to all the people who reached out after seeing his sign. His story, a reminder to stay diligent and most importantly, to never be afraid to ask for help.

Maryland Father Missing for 5 Days is Found by a Dad With a Drone

Dad Finds Missing Dad With Drone
(Getty/Andrea Comi Facebook/Howard County PD)

Drones have received a pretty bad wrap over the past few years. From close calls with passenger planes to sneaky, snooping neighbors, the quadcopter has made news around the world for all sorts of high-flying hijinks.

But the buzz isn’t all bad. A photographer dad recently spotted a shark swimming near his kids with his drone and it may have been a lifesaver. Drones have enabled anyone with a few hundred dollars to take to the sky and see things that may not be visible or accessible otherwise. So when a man went missing in Maryland recently, drone owner Julian Bustos was one of dozens of volunteers who joined the search party.

44-year-old Jason Blake Mabee — whose child attends the same Pre-K class as Bustos’ — was reported missing by his family on July 23. For the next several days, police and community members scoured the area, searching for any sign of the missing father of three. Described as an “avid athlete”, authorities held out hope that Mabee could survive on his own for a period of time, but that clock was ticking away by the minute.

NEWS RELEASE: Police continue search to locate missing Ellicott City manHoward County police are renewing their plea…

Posted by Howard County Police Department on Friday, July 26, 2019

On Saturday, Bustos decided to take his drone out and search areas previously covered by other volunteers. Bustos says at around 12:30 p.m. he was flying over a “very steep hill” the volunteers on foot likely would have been unable to explore. It’s there, at the bottom of the hill, he spotted a body lying motionless. “The moment I saw him was shocking because he looked lifeless, lying on his back and not moving. I was very concerned,” Bustos told the Daily News.

Fortunately, police were able to reach Mabee who was badly injured, but responsive, airlifting him to nearby University of Maryland Shock Trauma Center. Although Mabee was initially admitted with life-threatening injuries, his condition has now been upgraded to fair. Mabee’s family has reached out to Bustos to thank him for his assistance. For his part, the amateur R/C pilot is just glad his neighbor is safe. “The other volunteer who was there before me was so close, but she couldn’t get down to see him. He could have died there. Luckily I went to the same place and looked from the air. That made the difference,” he said.

NEWS RELEASE: Missing man Jason Mabee located alive but injured in ColumbiaMissing Ellicott City man Jason Blake…

Posted by Howard County Police Department on Saturday, July 27, 2019

No matter how you feel about consumer drones, this is one story where they’ve most certainly saved a life. As for the morons that fly them near airports: quit it.

But we’re cool if you want to use one to pull out your kid’s loose tooth.

Father Figures: The Shock

“I grew up in a pretty tumultuous home. The youngest of four siblings by a large margin. The biggest issue with this is that my dad had a vasectomy before me, so I was the product of infidelity.

Despite this nasty fact, my dad gave me his last name and raised me as his own, and in all honesty tried harder to give me a good childhood, with a father-son bond, than he did with his own children.

After graduating high school he went hard line father and said, ‘You have a choice, you can get a job, or you can get out of my house.’

Like any headstrong, rebellious 18 year old, I went and got a job. While there, I met a beautiful girl. We started dating, and a year passed. We got engaged by then. It was the day before our one year anniversary, and my dad had a heart attack at work, and we lost him, complete surprise.

Without missing a beat, my wife (then girlfriend) saw my distress, and we quite recklessly made the mutual decision to have a child pretty soon after that.

10 years, and three children later, I draw from him the knowledge and strength on how and what to do. As hard as it is to face the fear of fatherhood without his guidance, I know I walk a line in his shadow I never thought myself able of accomplishing before his departure.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’d love to see the look on his face if he saw my current path and the decisions I’ve made and the man I became in his absence, but I guarantee he would probably suffer another heart attack from the shock.”

– Nathan R.

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

Funny Obit for Dad Who “Died in His Recliner as He Had Threatened To”

(The Telegraph)

Obituaries are usually short, somber messages written to honor someone after their passing, but when two sisters realized their late-father would have preferred something a little more light-hearted, they didn’t pull any punches.

“Thomas (Tomm) WJ Mulligan of Nashua has passed away at home in his recliner as he had threatened to for years,” reads the opening line of the obituary, published on July 25 in The Telegraph. “He was a kid from Brooklyn who grew up to live the American Dream of marriage, a career, a house in the suburbs and two pain in the ass kids.”

The obit was penned by Kim Mulligan and Amy Mulligan-Schiripo, who had no problems waxing eloquent about their dear dad, describing him as a “funny guy” and “DIYer with no less than five unfinished projects at any time.”

They also made sure to write about his impressive tech career:

Tomm worked in technology at Lahey Clinic for over 20 years where he was clearly indispensable but his exact position remains a mystery. He never missed the opportunity to make an inappropriate joke or take a cigarette break. He was an exceptional office Santa.

When it came time to recognize those Tomm left behind, the sisters couldn’t help but poke fun at a few family members, including themselves:

Tomm had spent the last few years lovingly caring for his wife, Iris, who has advanced dementia. He will be remembered by all who knew him, Except Iris of course. Everyone else though.

He is survived by his wife, Iris Mulligan; his favorite daughter Kim Mulligan of L.A.; [and] his other daughter Amy Schiripo.

Kim told WMUR News that she’s confident her dad, who “loved to do things that would make us uncomfortable,” would be a huge fan of his obituary.

“He would be so tickled that everybody is talking about him and that his daughters made this happen. He would just think it was so funny,” she said.

Kid Busts Out Dance Moves At First Base

Book a Night in the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, You’ll Relish It

Airbnb Oscar Meyer Weinermobile Rental
(Airbnb/AlexanDog + Jake N' Bacon)

There are a lot of dream vacations. Maybe you’ve always wanted to stay in a hut in the middle of the ocean in Bora Bora. Maybe you fantasize about sleeping in a Scottish castle, or spending a night in that crazy ice hotel, or camping out under the Aurora Borealis. There are enough bucket list vacation locations for everyone to choose from, and now there’s one more…

If none of those exotic locations fire up your grill, maybe I can interest you in this new Airbnb listing, which is sure to put some relish on your hotdog.

You and your beloved can now book a few nights nestled inside the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile.

That’s right. For the first time ever, Oscar Meyer is allowing fans and frankfurter fetishists to stay inside their iconic hot dog-shaped RV. Head over to Airbnb to book!

Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
(Airbnb/AlexanDog + Jake N' Bacon)
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
(Airbnb/AlexanDog + Jake N' Bacon)
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
(Airbnb/AlexanDog + Jake N' Bacon)
Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
(Airbnb/AlexanDog + Jake N' Bacon)

The listing reads:

Hot dog lovers, we’re calling you home. For one night only, you can have the opportunity to eat hot dogs, dream of hot dogs, and yes, live in a hot dog, with an overnight stay in the iconic Oscar Mayer Weinermobile (no, you’re not having hunger-induced visions — this is real!). For the first time ever, your wildest hot dog dreams can come true with a stay in our 27 foot-long hot dog on wheels.

The ridiculous looking camper costs $136 per night and has one bed, one bath, and sleeps two. If you need further convincing, the listing, which went live on National Hot Dog Day, obviously, features photos of the hilarious Weinermobile.

The only catch is that it’s only available from Aug. 1 to 4 in the Fulton Market neighborhood of Chicago.

It’s bound to make for a romantic getaway, provided your significant other is actually willing to subject herself to the absurdity of spending the night sleeping inside a giant weiner.

Report: 90% of Guests Leaving Gender Reveal Party Unaware of Baby’s Gender

Guests Unaware of Gender after Reveal
(Getty/RapidEye)

KNOXVILLE, TN – With many in attendance either being utterly disinterested or distracted by external factors such as cake, reports out of the Miller family’s gender reveal party claim that 90% of guests leaving the event were still unaware of the baby’s gender.

“I wasn’t paying attention, I was playing Cornhole halfway across the lawn with Mike,” argued one attendee while he was headed home with his girlfriend, who also had no idea what gender the baby was having been more preoccupied with the open wine bar.

As guests left the party still oblivious as to the result, many hoped the couple would make a Facebook post in the coming days revealing the gender, and decided to hold off on buying any blue or pink baby gifts until they did so.

“The only reason I’m here is because I live next door and heard there would be snacks. Is it a girl? A boy? Honestly, I didn’t know this was a gender reveal until just now,” said the Millers’ neighbor Dale, who conducted this interview in between bites of chips and salsa.

To make matters more confusing, the Millers are actually having twins—a boy and a girl—which explains why they were so confused and insulted when one guest leaving the party said, “Congrats on having a boy!”

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.