The Worst 202 Dad Jokes That Will Make Your Kids Cringe

101 Worst Dad Jokes to Make Your Kids Cringe
(Getty/Radius Images)

There are so many unique perks to being a dad, but there’s one unlike any other: Bad jokes magically become good! At least in our own minds. But if it’s a delusion, it’s a delusion no one can take from us. Here’s a list of the 101 Corniest Dad Jokes out there. Share them with your kids! Whether it’s raucous laughter from your toddler or a pained eye roll from your teenager, it’s missions accomplished for us!

1. When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

2. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs.

RELATED: The Best Yo Mama Jokes Are Also the Kindest Yo Mama Jokes – Fatherly

3. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

4. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.

5. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.

6. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

7. What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

8. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.

9. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.

10. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

11. Why did the pirate walk the plank?
His dog was back on land.

12. I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.

13. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

14. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

15. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

16. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

17. What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.

18. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

19. What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y!

20. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.

21. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

22. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

RELATED: 100+ Dad Jokes That MOMS Think Are Funny – Scary Mommy

23. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!

24. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

25. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.

26. What sound does a witches car make?
Broom Broom.

27. Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.

28. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

29. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.

30. I try to avoid eating anchovies.
It’s a little fishy.

31. Why can’t you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.

32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

33. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

34. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.

35. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

36. What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

37. Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

40. What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
“1forrest1”

41. How do trees access the internet?
They log in.

42. What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

43. 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

44. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

45. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.

46. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

47. What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milkshake.

48. Why do the French never order 2 eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.

49. What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!

50. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

51. Why couldn’t the mail person delivery any envelopes?
They were stationary.

52. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

53. I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny.

54. What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?
Frost bite.

55. How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.

56. Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.

57. I tried to catch some fog.
But I mist.

58. Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes?
To IHOP.

59. I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.

60. Which day do chickens hate the most?
Friday.

61. What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!

62. The rotation of earth really makes my day.

63. What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

64. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

65. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

66. The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

67. What’s the king of all school supplies?
The ruler.

68. Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.

69. Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.

70. Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.

71. What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!

72. What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
The CIEIO.

73. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.

74. Why does the clock break when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

75. Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.

76. Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.

77. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

78. What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get?
The No-bell prize.

79. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.

80. Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
It has too many tellers.

81. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.

82. How do astronomers organize a party?
They planet.

83. What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

84. Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.

85. Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

86. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.

87. Where do sharks go on vacation?
Finland.

88. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.

89. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.

90. How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.

91. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.

92. What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.

93. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.

94. What state do crayons go to on vacation?
Color-ado.

95. Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.

96. What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

97. What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.

98. Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

99. Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.

100. What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.

101. Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

102. I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.

103. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.

104. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.

105. What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIINS!”

106. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.

107. A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.

108. What’s the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple?
They’re both red. Except for the green one.

109. How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?
You slowly get over it.

110. Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

111. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

112. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

113. How did ancient Grecians get memorialized?
They had to urn it.

114. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They’re making headlines.

115. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.

116. What do you call bears with no ears?
B

117. Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.

118. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

119. When does a tailor need to go on vacation?
When they seem stressed.

120. What is heavy forward but not backward?
A ton.

121. Why can’t you tell dad jokes until you have kids?
It’s a faux pas.

122. I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I’ve got twelve fridges.

123. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.

124. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

125. Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

126. Two soldiers are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Blubblublubblubblub.”

127. Why was the burglar so sensitive?
He takes things personally.

128. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.

129. I invented a new word today:
Plagiarism.

130. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it.

131. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

132. Why is Orion’s belt the worst constellation?
It’s a waist of space.

133. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in
Airplane! mode.

134. Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people?
None of them work.

135. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

136. My son put his shoes on the wrong feet.
I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.

137. The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag.
I told him to just leave it in the carton.

138. What was the most ground-breaking invention?
A shovel.

139. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

140. Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic?
It takes you back.

141. I just found out I’m colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

142. What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.

143. A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot.
But that’s the last thing I need.

144. To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.

145. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

146. Why do flamingoes life one leg up?
If they lifted both they’d fall.

147. What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A yardvark.

148. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang.
Eventually, it came back to me.

149. Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.

150. Today my son asked me for a book Mark.
Can’t believe he’s 11 and still doesn’t know I’m named Dave.

151. Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum?
It was just collecting dust.

152. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

153. What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

154. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
That can’t just be a coincidence.

155. If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.

156. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

157. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

158. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

159. I tried watching The Neverending Story.
Couldn’t finish it.

160. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

161. What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.

162. Don’t worry if your parachute won’t open.
You’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.

163. What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

164. Why shouldn’t you try writing with a broken pencil?
It’s pointless.

165. Why should you buy socks with holes in them?
It’s the only way to get your feet in.

166. What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

167. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.

168. What’s the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.

169. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

170. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

171. This morning my alarm went off early.
I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.

172. Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.

173. Why is “R” only a pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.

174. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.

175. How do you remember which direction the sun rises in?
Eventually, it’ll dawn on you.

176. Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.

177. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

178. What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

179. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

180. What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?
Bison.

181. When does a dad joke cost $1000?
When it’s a granddad joke.

182. Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.

183. What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.

184. What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

185. What’s the tallest building in the world?
The library, it has the most stories.

186. What’s the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.

187. How are a hippo and Zippo similar?
One is very heavy, the other’s only a little lighter.

188. What’s the 25th letter of the alphabet?
I don’t know, y?

189. What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK, Rolling.

190. How do you handle a fear of elevators?
You take steps to avoid them.

191. How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see it later or in awhile.

192. When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer?
There are more geese on that side.

193. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

194. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

195. How can you tell by someone’s home if they’re a highway robber?
All the signs will be there.

196. Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.

197. How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can’t, elephant only have feet.

198. What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

199. How do you make an egg roll?
Just give it a little push.

200. How can you make money while freshening your breath?
Investmints.

201. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

202. Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.

How Fortnite Turned Me Into My Dad

Jared Plays Fortnite
(Polygon)

“Can you hear me?”

We’re in a dilapidated bus, suspended by hot air balloon high above an island. To our left, I can make out a pirate ship, while on the right a giant meteor is seconds from cataclysmic impact, but frozen in time. Talking to me is a dad I’ve been randomly paired with for a round of “DUOS.” This means we’ll have to work together to outwit, outmaneuver and outpace the other 50 or so players in the game to survive. Fortunately, it’s not my first time playing Fortnite… that was earlier this afternoon.

Fortnite Meteor

“Do you have a mic?” he asks. I do not. I am to be a silent companion. A watchful burden.

This poor guy’s so screwed.

Here’s the thing. My editor wanted to set up an online gaming league for The Dad community and figured the best way to start would be with the game that all kids are currently obsessed with. “It’ll be funny,” Joel said. “I don’t think there will be anybody playing who’s very good.” I wonder, would the US Army see better recruitment if they adopted Joel’s tactic of “the other armies probably suck?”

“I’m gonna head over that way if you wanna follow me.” There is no discernible way to see where he is pointing. We’re not actually in the game world.

Now, I’m obviously not a pro gamer or anything, but I’m no slouch. I’ve beaten Dark Souls, for crying out loud! Okay, my friend Holden, who IS a professional, walked me through it but still. I know the ropes.

Dark Souls Endgame

My earliest memories of video games are of the late 80s, being sent to bed after getting frustrated at my own dad for being the worst possible Luigi of all time. It was like he couldn’t grasp the basic physics of an 8-bit world, something that was so intuitive to me. Playing Tecmo Bowl, dad would grumble when I managed to pull off win after win just by throwing a hail mary for every single play. His meticulous strategies didn’t work in Nintendo-verse, and it drove him nuts.

As an 80s kid, I figure I’m generationally dispositioned for gaming.  A new physics engine doesn’t baffle and confound me. “Surely,” I thought, “I will pick up a new gaming world’s mechanics fast enough to not be a total asshole.”

I was wrong
(Giphy)

“I’m going for the big robot if you wanna follow me,” says my involuntary, but not unkind guide in this unhinged world. I knew the robots! My first and only Fortnite round consisted of being stalked by one for ten minutes earlier in the day. It’s exciting to know things! I jump out of the bus and aim for the ridge I remembered having the robot. My partner is… across the map. There are, I guess, different robots? Good start. 

“We’ll figure it out,” my guy chuckles. I am silent, a mindful apprentice.

I glide to the ground closer to my friend’s landing zone than expected but spontaneously transform into an old western gunslinger. I’ll later learn this is called Tilted Town and there’s a deep and rich history here. There used to be towers. Now there’s a saloon. This game is weird. 

Fortnite Tilted Town
(SVG)

Arriving at the graveyard where my mentor has staked his claim, we begin foraging for materials. He has a gamertag that I can barely decipher, so in my head, I call my friend Dale. He sounds like a Dale. Now that we’ve got boots on the ground, I must find a way to let Dale know I can hear him, and his guidance is appreciated. I can’t talk, but I can communicate the way the ancients did; by jumping up and down in, and immediately running sporadically back and forth, like Lassie in camo pants. Yes, I know there are the little dance moves you can buy in the game, but there is a storm brewing and time is short.

Suddenly someone jumps out from behind a crypt, hoping to get the drop on us. In shock, I fling my harvesting ax at his head but miss. Dale is quick on the draw and dispatches the intruder handily. You have to stay sharp on Battle Island. We make our way to the big robot.

On the road, we come across an abandoned town that I would think is ripe for looting. “Someone’s been here,” Dale says. I’m learning the scavengers code to this cartoon dystopia. We don’t have time to loot anyway because the storm is coming, and a quick glance at our map shows the safe zone an impossible distance away. The stakes have suddenly been raised, but Dale stays cool. He explains that there’s some sort of, I don’t know, trampoline thing we can use to get airborne, then take our gliders to safe ground. It makes as much sense as tubes that lead to dungeons, so sure. 

Something I do really enjoy about this game is the escalating tension. Dale desperately explains how the jumping mechanism works. He’s Tom Cruise, and I’m Simon Pegg in Mission:Impossible, except you could infer that Pegg’s character is good at video games in those movies. But it’s that sort of endorphin rush leading up to our hitting the space trampoline thing at the same time, getting sent flying into the air. It’s triumphant. I’m with you, Dale! I may be dumb, but I’m no idiot!

Except I’m like… nowhere near the guy again. And I’m barely in the air at all. WTF?

“If you need to jump higher, you can hit the bubble again.” Once more, I’m being afforded more patience than I deserve.

The only bubble I see is the giant glowing field of energy directly beneath me in the center of the island? Does he mean that?

Fortnite Skydive

Hope so, since, you know, gravity. As I fall, prep to land perfectly in the rebound zone and shoot back into the sky much better this time. I won’t let you down, Dale, this is going to be awesome.

Except this is not the bubble he was talking about. Again, descriptors like “over there” or “that one” are very deceiving in video games, and there is something maddening about losing all physical forms of communication.

Anyway, I find myself in a weird crash site where time doesn’t exist and gravity is wonky.

Obi Wan Happy Landing Gif
(Giphy)

Separated again, we’ve entered what Blake Snyder would call this the Long Dark Night Of The Soul portion of the story, but there’s no time to wallow. Dale needs me! (He doesn’t). 

So, I hoof it. It’s a long walk. And boring. I wish there was something interesting…some encounter where I got the drop on someone and the lessons Dale taught me clicked into place, but no, I just take a walk until I find him. He didn’t comment on my absence, even though it had been several days, or perhaps a minute and a half. It’s hard to understand time on Battle Island.

“There’s only two more left, and they’re in that building up there.” There’s only one building around, so I’m almost confident I know what he means by “there.” Somehow I’d derfed myself into the final showdown. It was us against some guy who called himself AssClown that had literally wiped the floor with everyone else in the server. Gotta admire that kind of moxy. 

Crouching in the bush, I watch our prey building wooden ramps along the side of a fortress. I have literally no idea how anyone can build this stuff while still managing to, you know, play the game. How do you switch back and forth from guns and crafting so fast? How do you put the, like, floors in the right place?

Suddenly I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I  recognize what is going on here. I had finally turned into my own dad from back in the 80s. I crossed some threshold of understanding what a child finds intuitive. It wasn’t a generational thing, it’s the same generation gap that will always exist, just with a higher pixel count.

Without warning, AssClown was airborne and flying directly at us. I couldn’t believe it, I had him in my sights. He couldn’t shoot back. We were gonna win! He dropped out of his glider and landed right in front of me, brandishing a skinned shotgun that I think he bought in the item store, but I’m not one to point fingers.

If this were a movie, a very satisfying end would have been for all the lessons my friend tried to teach me to click together. I would get the edge over the AssClown, and win the day. Or, if we were doing a later ‘00’s dark and gritty kinda thing, I’d wheedle away his health, but just before he took me down, Dale would step in front of the bullets, and take Ass Clown down with him, leaving me scarred for life, but reborn a man. A poignant story of sacrifice and new beginnings.

Of course, it’s not a movie. What actually happened a guy named AssClown shot me to hell, and like a tortured ghost, I had to sit and watch Dale go down seconds later.

Obi Wan I have Failed You
(Giphy)

“Ah, it’s tough to fight two guys by yourself,” He said. (Apparently, there was a second guy?) Ouch, Dale.

But then a beat later “…But that’s okay.”

In the afterlife of Facebook chat, I was excited to thank my companion, whose name was not Dale. See, I’m not as dumb here as I am in the game. I know that I’m bad! Haha! Haha? 

His disappointment in losing had already dissipated.  “I tried to win it for us, man. Sorry, I couldn’t get there,” Dale. A dad. A hero.  

Not long ago we got my dad an Xbox, and you know, he’s pretty good. My favorite games of all time are the Mass Effect Trilogy, so I got him some preowned copies at the local Gamestop for Father’s Day. (I know, I’m a decadent gift giver.) Those are much more dad and my speed. You get to think a lot, the story is engaging and the action sequences are fun, but straight forward. And no 12-year-olds dunk on you.

So, perhaps I’ll venture to Battle Island again one day. Just like dad staying up late to grind Mario Brothers when I was 7, I won’t be content until I “get good,” which may never happen.

But today I think I’ll go visit my dad and play a game with him, now that we’re finally on the same level.

Dad Builds Backyard Roller Coaster For Son

Arnold and Linda Are Back in New ‘Terminator: Dark Fate’ Trailer

Terminator Dark Fate Trailer
(YouTube/20th Century Fox)

It turns out you can change your fate.

After the success of the original Terminator movie (up there with Die Hard as a genre-defining action movie) and its sequel, T2, the groundbreaking blockbuster, they kept making sequels, with diminishing returns. Most of them focused on John Connor, Sarah Connor’s son, whose protection was the mission of the first two movies and whose eventual rise to leader of the human resistance was the focus of most of the follow-ups.

But original director James Cameron has gone back in time to erase the past. With the latest installment, Terminator: Dark Fate, those sequels have been wiped out of the canon, and the new one picks up after T2: Judgment Day and kicks off a new potential trilogy.

“We spent several weeks breaking story and figuring out what type of story we wanted to tell so we would have something to pitch Linda,” producer James Cameron told Deadline. “We rolled up our sleeves and started to break out the story and when we got a handle on something we looked at it as a three-film arc, so there is a greater story there to be told. If we get fortunate enough to make some money with Dark Fate we know exactly where we can go with the subsequent films.”

The new movie also switches the focus from men and machines to women… and machines. The entire movie screams girl power, with Linda Hamilton reprising her role as a future-preventing bad-ass, Mackenzie Davis as the good terminator, and Natalie Reyes as the young woman who needs protection, presumably because of the role she or her fetus plays in the inevitable robot apocalypse.

There are a few guys in the flick too, like Arnold himself, who appears to still be the robot he was in the first trilogy of films, even though he has a beard and lives in the woods now (?), and some other wannabe Robert Patrick type as the latest version of the terminator who has all sorts of upgraded features. Skynet pumps these upgraded editions out faster than Apple!

The latest trailer is out, and while the action looks pretty convincing, the story remains both vague and obvious. The robots are coming and someone needs protection to prevent, well, a dark fate. Rumor has it even Edward Furlong makes an appearance!

The movie opens on November 1. Check it out:

The 10 Best Comments of the Week 9/1

Best Comments of the Week

Every week we pan for comedy gold in the comments section of our Facebook posts. If your comment cracks us up (or warms our hearts) we’ll showcase it here!

Here’s this week’s roundup of the 10 Best Comments of the Week:

1. Cravings

2. Uncle Dad

3. Commitment 

4. Ducked

5. Generation Condemnation 

6. Power Move

7. Ballsy

8. Tutor

9. Ready Player None

10. This Is Why We Drink

Check out the previous edition of The Best Comments of the Week here.

The Best and Worst Reactions to Andrew Luck’s Retirement

Reactions to Luck Retirement
(Twitter/dpalm34)

The retirement of Andrew Luck shocked the sports world. The initial shock was one of those “remember where you were when it happened” moments as the shockwaves reverberated through group-texts and social media. Surprisingly, the majority of the response was positive. Sure, to resign so close to the season and as an athlete in his prime, it made people pay attention. But Luck’s heartfelt press conference and explanation won most people over. Who wouldn’t love to retire at age 29? Of course, a retirement this shocking consumed the sports world for a solid week (and running), bringing out the best and worst of the sports world.

For starters, this guy reacted the way most rational Colts fans should:

Then you have what is probably the worst take of the week, coming from marginalized talk show host Doug Gottlieb.

He was then dragged viciously all week long, and rightfully so. One of my favorite clapbacks came from NFL legend Troy Aikman.

Outside of Doug, one of the most disappointing reactions had to be from the Colts fans at LucasOil Stadium when the news broke, and BOOED their star quarterback off the field, after putting his body on the line for them for years. Some fans even began canceling tickets. But the best response of the week came from the former Colts player who offered to buy all the tickets bandwagon fans were ready to part with, so he could donate them to Children’s Hospital.

That’s a much better way to respond to the controversy than the OJ Simpson tweet, which is still too bizarre to even link to.

In other sports news, UFC stars Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier have had a longstanding feud, but it was one that Jones put aside to console his rival after the recent passing of his father. It’s always refreshing too when athletes take a minute to be real and recognize when something is bigger than the sport.

Brewers Star Christian Yelich changed his walkup song recently to own a random Twitter critic. Yelich was admonished by an anonymous person for posing in ESPN’s “The Body” issue, and he brushed it off pretty brusquely.

In his first at-bat since the Twitter exchange, he walked up to the song “Roxanne” by The Police.

And tennis icon Serena Williams survived a U.S. Open scare from a teenager. 17-year-old Caty McNally gave Williams a quick scare by taking an early set from her. It was a big moment for the young player ranked No. 111 in the world, and it may be a sign of things to come for McNally. For Williams, it was just yet another in a long line of kids she’s defeated.

Father Figures: The Greatest Honour

“My wife to be (it has only been a five year engagement, so no hurry) and I were ecstatic when we found out we were pregnant for the first time, only to lose that opportunity to an ectopic pregnancy.

Not discouraged, we conceived again shortly afterwards, and to this day she still laughs when she recounts the unveiling of the ultrasound that revealed identical twins.

That pregnancy also came with complications, and my fiancée and I were told the knuckleheads-to-be were suffering from Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After the diagnosis, we met with a phenomenal team of doctors and nurses at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto on a consistent basis. Despite the percentages and odds we were informed of, I knew the girls would take care of each other, and I knew their mother, with her strength and love, would take care of them too.

Nearly five years later, I am amazed every day by my little ladies; their tenacity, their kind hearts, their enthusiasm, their budding senses of humour, their ability to completely destroy a home in under 30 minutes, and the love they have for each other.

My Love always mocks me for having robot emotions, but the day our girls were born, the day you become a dad, everything in life changes. It truly is the greatest honour I will ever experience and one I look forward to every day.”

– David McLeod

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

Kid Who Wrote Xbox Fan Mail Is Tracked Down 17 Years Later

Seamus Blackley Finds Mitchell Riley
(Twitter/Seamus Blackley)

Seamus Blackley was one of the key folks behind the creation of the original Xbox, and while going through some stacks of old belongings, he stumbled across a hand-written note on notebook paper. The adorable fan mail was written in pencil 17 years ago—in the middle of the Xbox’s heyday (feel old yet?)—by a young Mitchell Riley.

(Twitter/SeamusBlackley)

The letter states (not edited for spelling or grammar):

Dear XBOX TEAM,

I really like your XBOX so much that my friends really like to play at my house! The most games they like is HALO CONBAT EVOLVE, I also like Halo too!!! I got a qestion how you could do capshire the flag in Halo, in a pit TV?

P.S. Make HALO 2 and Make it great just like the other one.

Sinserly, Mitchell

The note also includes a tasteful illustration of a spikey-haired fellow—presumably, Mitchell—wearing Xbox merch and exclaiming how much the console “RULS.”

To his horror, Blackley realized he never responded to the letter and finally decided to do his due diligence by tasking Twitter with tracking down the now-adult Mitchell Riley.

And, with the internet being the internet, Blackley found out Mitchell wasn’t only still a fan of Halo, but that he was spending that very week at Halo Outpost Discovery, an event where he was seen chatting up the voices of both the Master Chief and Cortana.

Seeing everything come full circle, it proves that Microsoft is truly a household name when it comes to video games, having highlighted the entire lives of many adult gamers.

Now, we just need to figure out how to play “capshire the flag” in a “pit TV.”

Deleted Scenes From Mrs. Doubtfire Will Break Your Heart

Robin William's Deleted Scenes From Mrs Doubtfire
(Getty/ Manchester Daily Express; 20th Century Fox)

Robin Williams was a national treasure. So much so, in fact, that we honored the 5th anniversary of his passing with a piece that acknowledged his prowess as a performer and his influence as a father.

Others online have been circulating deleted scenes from one of Williams’ most iconic roles: Mrs. Doubtfire.

While the legendary Scottish nanny is one of the most well-known comedic roles in history, the role also highlights Williams’ stellar acting chops as Daniel Hillard, a desperate, divorced actor who will do anything—even dress as a grandmotherly housekeeper—to be with his kids.

The first scene features Williams’ character arriving late to his daughter Lydia’s spelling bee. While initially angry about his tardiness, Lydia decides to really open up and confront her father about his willingness to act in order to be close to them, yet his unwillingness to simply stay married to her mother, his ex-wife.

The confrontation turns into a bittersweet conversation about relationships and the pain that can come from living a life where one simply pretends to be happy.

“It wouldn’t be real,” Hillard says. “You would know. We’d be acting. You can’t act 24 hours a day—I’m not that good of an actor. Today proved that. Life’s more real and wonderful than that.”

It’s a touching heart-to-heart between a father and daughter, but also a very poignant reflection of Williams’ own tragic story.

The second scene takes place after Sally Fields’ character has found out the truth about Daniel masquerading as Mrs. Doubtfire. Their verbal brawl is overhead by their kids who silence their parents by exclaiming how they hate them. Naturally, Fields and Williams look completely gutted, as any parents would be.

Director Chris Columbus said the scenes were cut from the theatrical release because they would have been ‘too heartbreaking’ for audiences, but they truly show what great emotion the film could have conveyed as well as the amazing range Robin Williams had as an actor.

Chuck E. Cheese’s Dark Origin Story Is Going Viral

Chuck E Cheese's Dark Origin Story
(Getty/Mark Sullivan/Edgar Bibian)

Whether you’ve begged your parents to take you or been dragged there as an adult, just about everyone has a strong reaction at the mention of the infamous Chuck E. Cheese, the mascot mouse of the food/entertainment empire of the same name.

This musical rodent has been the host of thousands, if not millions, of children’s birthday parties over the decades, but what many don’t realize is that he has a unique and surprisingly dark backstory of his own—not like Five Nights at Freddy’s dark, but it may very well taint some childhood memories. 

You see, there’s a surprising amount of Chuck E. Cheese lore on Wikipedia, and a recent viral tweet did the honor of bringing that to everyone’s attention.


According to this source, Chuck was raised as an orphan from a young age at St. Marinara’s orphanage (this is sad—you’re not allowed to laugh), but his birth certificate was lost. As a result, he’s never known what his actual birthday is, which is why he makes such a big deal about them whenever they’re celebrated at his establishment.

Sure, Wikipedia can be edited by anyone, but as it turns out, the original source for the story is a children’s picture book produced by the company itself—it is 100% true, and surprisingly even more sordid than the take over on Wikipedia.

(Chuck E. Cheese)

In the book, Chuck Entertainment Cheese (seriously) uses music as a coping mechanism for his hardships at the orphanage. After winning $50 from a Pong tournament though, Chuck finally runs away from his awful upbringing to try and make it in New York City.

There, he stumbles into the kitchen of a pizza restaurant where decides to set up shop as his new home. The place is filled with the scents of Chuck’s favorite food and the owner, Pasqually, sings all day, providing the sad little mouse with one shred of musical happiness to which he can desperately cling.

But because ol’ Chuck can’t have nice things, he’s eventually discovered by Pasqually, who corners his new rodent resident with a rolling pin. In a last-ditch effort to save himself, Chuck starts singing, which stops the pizza chef in his tracks.

“A mouse that can sing? My restaurant is saved!” he shouts in a blatantly stereotypical Italian accent, “I’m a-gonna make you a star!”

(Chuck E. Cheese)

So Pasqually tosses Chuck onstage, where he proceeds to completely bomb (this is a depressing-as-hell story, guys—I told you). Music, the one thing that gave Chuck hope in his wretched life, looks like it’s going to be just another dead end.

But just as the crowd is about to boo him offstage, Chuck sings a rendition of his favorite song, “Happy Birthday,” and everyone is impressed! Returning to the restaurant, Chuck and Pasqually decide to team up and take their talents to California to start their very own pizza chain together.

See? The light at the end of one very, very long tunnel.

So, next time you walk into the loud, colorful hellscape that is Chuck E. Cheese, reflect on the long road of toil and hardship it took to build that place, admit that your life really isn’t so bad, and then take a sweet dive into that highly questionable ball pit.

Toy Company Hasbro Has Acquired…Death Row Records??

Hasbro Owns Death Row Records
(Getty/Joey Foley/Star Tribune)

Yes, you read that correctly. Hasbro can now send you to jail in Monopoly for sippin’ on too much “Gin and Juice” because they officially own the record label associated with artists like Tupac, Snoop Dogg, and Dr. Dre—Death Row Records.

According to Rolling Stone, the toy and board game company didn’t exactly go out searching for a hip hop label, though. In actuality, Hasbro purchased a company named Entertainment One (owners of Peppa Pig and PJ Masks), which just so happened to have bought Death Row back in 2013 for a cool $280 million.

As you probably assumed, the internet is still losing their minds about the acquisition and the jokes can’t be written fast enough.

 

Suffice it to say, it is now even more appropriate when I pour out a 40 for the opponents I’ve completely annihilated in Monopoly.

You will be remembered, homies.

 

Rey’s Double-Bladed Lightsaber Gets Remixed

Rey's Lightsaber Gets Remixed
(Twitter/ActionMovieKid/BossLogic)

With seemingly every new foray into the Star Wars mythos, we are introduced to some new wacky type of lightsaber. We’re suckers for it. Ever since we saw Darth Maul ignited his dual crimson blades, the creators of the space opera have continued to add to their ever-escalating compendium of laser sword porn.

Extra blades. Spinning blades. Lightsaber/blaster hybrids that conceal hidden blades.

And with the newest trailer for Episode IV: Rise of Skywalker at Disney’s D23 Expo, we finally saw the newest iteration of lightsaber technology when Rey (or someone who appears to be Rey) wields a bad-ass, hinged style of the weapon, which can snap from a tuning-fork position to the traditional double-bladed look with one quick motion.

As rad as the new weapon is, fans can’t help but poke fun at the level of ridiculousness we’ve reached.

Over on Twitter, Action Movie Dad decided to put his own spin on Rey’s new weapon, adding some additional features that would make the Swiss Army particularly proud.

Soon after, artist BossLogic made us all realize that we were one lightsaber blade away from getting the perfect weapon should Wolverine ever join the dark side… and replace his claws with cool-as-hell laser blades.

“Give in to your hatred, bub,” he would say, probably.

Any way you slice it, Star Wars weapons are getting ridiculous—whether ridiculously cool or stupid is a personal opinion.

Interestingly, though, this isn’t the first time a hinged lightsaber hilt has been seen in Star Wars canon. Serious fans will recognize the same type of weapon being used in the animated series Clone Wars by four-armed Jedi General Pong Krell:

As well as by “The Sentinal” of the Jedi Temple in the Rebels series:

So Dark Rey’s weapon is, technically, already outdated, which means we need to be on the lookout for the next weird addition to the Star Wars lightsaber armory.

Which one ya got next?

Sleepy Dog Sings Along with Owner