There are so many unique perks to being a dad, but there’s one unlike any other: Bad jokes magically become good! At least in our own minds. But if it’s a delusion, it’s a delusion no one can take from us. Here’s a list of the 101 Corniest Dad Jokes out there. Share them with your kids! Whether it’s raucous laughter from your toddler or a pained eye roll from your teenager, it’s missions accomplished for us!
1. When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
2. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs.
3. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
4. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
5. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
6. What’s brown and sticky?
7. What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
8. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.
9. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.
10. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
11. Why did the pirate walk the plank?
His dog was back on land.
12. I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
13. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
14. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
15. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
16. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
17. What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
18. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
19. What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
20. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
21. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
22. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
23. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!
24. What do you call a fake noodle?
25. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.
26. What sound does a witches car make?
27. Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.
28. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
29. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
30. I try to avoid eating anchovies.
It’s a little fishy.
31. Why can’t you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.
32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
33. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
34. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
35. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
36. What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.
37. Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.
38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
39. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
40. What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
41. How do trees access the internet?
They log in.
42. What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
43. 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.
44. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
45. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
46. What do you call a cow with no legs?
47. What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
48. Why do the French never order 2 eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.
49. What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
50. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.
51. Why couldn’t the mail person delivery any envelopes?
They were stationary.
52. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
53. I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny.
54. What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?
55. How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.
56. Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.
57. I tried to catch some fog.
But I mist.
58. Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes?
59. I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.
60. Which day do chickens hate the most?
61. What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!
62. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
63. What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
64. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
65. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
66. The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
67. What’s the king of all school supplies?
68. Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.
69. Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.
70. Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.
71. What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!
72. What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
73. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.
74. Why does the clock break when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
75. Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.
76. Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.
77. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
78. What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get?
The No-bell prize.
79. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.
80. Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
It has too many tellers.
81. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.
82. How do astronomers organize a party?
83. What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.
84. Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.
85. Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
86. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
87. Where do sharks go on vacation?
88. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.
89. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
90. How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.
91. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.
92. What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.
93. What gets wetter the more it dries?
94. What state do crayons go to on vacation?
95. Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.
96. What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
97. What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
98. Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
99. Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.
100. What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.
101. Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Tough crowd? Then make sure to check out the 101 Best Dad Jokes.