Father Figures: My Power

“God gave us a gift: my son.

He came after 5 years of marriage and 5 miscarriages. Since the day he got delivered, I’ve felt something different. I feel that I am living the rest of life just for him, to make him happy, to make him strong, to make him different, to make him a champion, and to make him proud of his father.

Every single moment in my life I am thinking about him. I became addicted to the gym to let him see me strong, I started my side business to increase my income to buy him all what he wants, I loved his mother more and more to let him grow in a warm environment.

So strange for me when I think about that, who is that tiny creator to change me completely like this, to give me the strength to do so many things perfectly like this, to give me all that happiness?

I discovered that although I am trying to be his power and backbone, he became my power instead.

Once I was supposed to give a presentation in front of 30 persons and most of them were in big positions in big organizations. It was a nightmare and I was feeling nausea two months before the presentation day, just thinking about it.

The day before the presentation I felt fragile, afraid that I wouldn’t say a word once I was on stage with everyone focusing on me. Then I decided to imagine that my son was sitting in the front row, looking at me and waiting to feel proud of his father.

When I took the mic and started the presentation, I didn’t see anyone but him looking at me and smiling, his voice in my head saying, “Go Daddy go, you can do it!” It went more than perfect and became one of the best presentations I’ve ever done. The audience clapped longer for me than for anyone else.

In the end I’d like to say that being father is the best thing that could happen to any man and whatever we give our kids, they give us more and more.”

– Mosafa Nassef

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

Double-Fisted Fan Sacrifices Body, Not Beers, to Catch Home Run

Fan Takes Homer to Chest to Save Beers
(Twitter/aNateScott)

There have been great exhibitions of fandom at baseball games. Heck, we’ve even covered several of them, especially the fan who caught a foul ball while holding his toddler. All of them pale in comparison to our favorite new fan, the guy who would rather be hit IN THE CHEST with a baseball than risk spilling one of his beers.

And it’s not like it happened during some boring, inconsequential summer baseball game. This was during the WORLD SERIES. The Washington Nationals fan seated in the outfield was enjoying not one, but two Bud Lights when an Astros home run ball came straight for him. We all know how expensive those beers are, though, so he made the choice many of us would hope to under the same circumstances.

The Nationals did lose the game, but the fan won the night with his incredible highlight. Even Bud Light had to acknowledge him, calling the man a hero. Which, I mean, duh.

Bud Light made sure to pay the fan’s way into Game 6. That’s not a cheap ticket, but it’s the least Bud Light can do, as it was estimated that the advertising the brand received for the viral clip and ensuing coverage was worth millions. And they’ve been hinting on Twitter about taking care of the fan, who, honestly, should never be paying for a Bud Light for the rest of his life.

And, to his credit, he still ended up with the ball. He told the Washington Post he used something his Little League coach taught him about using his chest to angle the ball down, and it worked to perfection. And he said he barely felt a thing.

Then Bud paid further respects to this hero with a tribute to him:

We have a new hero so please raise two beers in his honor.

Bill Murray Applied for a Job at P.F. Chang’s and Got Hired

Bill Murray Hired at PF Chang's
(Twitter/PFChangs)

Everyone likes Bill Murray.

Even if you aren’t a big fan of Saturday Night Live or Caddyshack or Stripes or Ghostbusters or What About Bob? or Kingpin or Rushmore or Zombieland, odds are you find the guy likable just the same. He’s charming and funny, he seems nice, and he’s managed to avoid the fame trap that so many supercelebrities fall into. He stays out of the limelight unless he wants to be in it, and when he does choose to emerge, it’s often in strange and hilarious ways.

The legend of Murray is strong. He crashes parties and does the dishes, he sneaks up on strangers and then tells them “no one will believe you,” he joins terrible animated franchises because he mistakes the director for a much better director. The dude walks to the beat of his own drum. And his latest escapade is further proof of his eccentric, low-key hilarity.

He recently applied for a job at P.F. Chang’s. At an airport, no less.

The funnyman/serious actor recently appeared on Amy Schumer’s podcast, “3 Girls, 1 Keith,” and discussed his affinity for the Chinese food chain.

“I did fill out an application at P.F. Chang’s at the Atlanta airport because I think that’s one of the great places,” he shared, seemingly unaware of how insane he sounds. A Hollywood legend applying to work at a chain restaurant? I feel so funky.

“To do what? Just any job?” Schumer asked.

Murray explained, “It looks like the best time.”

Well, it seems it may get his wish, because P.F. Chang’s learned of the actor’s desire to – what, wait tables? cook? seat customers? – and promptly hired the man, no questions asked.

Obviously the people at P.F. Chang’s are Bill Murray fans too, because who isn’t! And who wouldn’t want to stop by their local airport and have a chance to get some General Tso’s served to them – or cooked for them – by the man. And who knows, he might even stick around and do the dishes!

On Tuesday you can listen to the full episode of Schumer’s podcast on Spotify and hear Murray discuss his love of Family Feud and that time he drank Sake with the Wu-Tang Clan: “I took them for lunch that day and they’d never had sake. So I proceeded to buy a big bottle. So they drank a lot of sake and came back drunk,” Murray said.

Stranger Added to Family Group Chat Donates Money to New Parents

(Zach Garrett)

Family group chats are a great way to consistently keep in touch with loved ones but what do you do if you’re thrust in the middle of another family’s conversation by accident?

Zachary and Sierra Garrett were preparing to give birth to their third child, so Zach naturally decided to start a group thread to include those who couldn’t be present.

(Zach Garratt)

Thanks to a technological mix-up, Zach’s ‘Meemaw’ added her grandson’s old number to the group chat which now belongs to Bobby, a kind fellow but definitely not a member of the Garrett crew.

Seeing a few messages go back and forth between Zach and Meemaw, Bobby figured he could either quietly leave the text thread or hop in and make this special day even more memorable for the expecting parents.

(Zach Garrett)

Bobby boldly introduced himself, fully acknowledging the funny accident, and offered to send the growing family a little congratulatory diaper money.

Zach, clearly tickled, shared the entire exchange on Facebook where it has since gone viral. People can’t seem to get enough of Bobby’s simple, selfless gesture in the most random of situations.

“All of us were amazed how much everyone enjoyed the story,” Zachary told Romper. “We’ve gotten so many comments from people congratulating us on little Layla. And thanking Bobby for being such a good person! I saw a lot of people say it gave them faith in humanity.”

(Zach Garrett)

On top of it all, the story’s growing popularity has led others to donate to Zach and Sierra, causing some to question the validity of the situation.

“People have sent money,” his wife Sierra said. “Whatever extra donations we’ve gotten, we’re giving back to Bobby and his family. We didn’t expect it to get big.”

So a big congrats to Zach and Sierra on adding another little member to their family, congrats to Bobby for being a wonderful human being, and congrats to Meemaw for not quite knowing how cell phones work.

Dad Grades: Horror Movie Edition

(Warner Bros)

There are, at the very least, two universal truths about horror movies. One: if a dog is identified by name within the first 10 minutes, say goodbye to that dog. And two: good dads are criminally underrepresented in the genre.

To prove it, we’ve rounded up a slew of memorable horror movie dads for a very special Halloween edition of Dad Grades.

Jack Torrance from The Shining

(Warner Bros)

Jack Torrance routinely rounds out lists of the worst dads in horror, and with good reason. We’re all familiar with the axe-wielding, the repressed alcoholism, the psychosexual furry fantasies.

But we tend to forget that this is, first and foremost, a movie about a dad just trying to get some work done. Any dad that clocks in at a home office knows full well just how detrimental to productivity a bored child can be.

(Warner Bros)

Good luck meeting a deadline while your kid is on some major “my finger is haunted” bullshit. For this reason, we have no choice but to empathize.

Side note: the movie does a great job depicting just how frustrated a dad can get when he’s forced to yell through the bathroom door.

For a more thorough analysis, check out the first Dad Grade we ever did.

FINAL GRADE: C

George Lutz from The Amityville Horror

(MGM)

The Amityville Horror is a movie about what Ryan Reynolds looks like with his shirt off. It’s ushered in by some Shining-like narrative where ghosts convince him to kill his family. But it’s mostly about the shirt thing.

(MGM)

Seriously, Google “ryan reynolds amityville” and the first seven image results are sans shirt. And frankly, we think it sets unrealistic expectations for sleepy wives who want a strange noise investigated.

In the event your wife suggests this flick for the Halloween season, we recommend steering her instead towards a spoooky little picture from the same year called Just Friends.

(New Line Cinema)

FINAL GRADE: F

William from The Witch

(A24)

The Witch, widely acknowledged as one of the best horror films this side of the millennium, follows a family of English settlers who’ve just been banished from their colony in 1630s England.

Given the circumstances, the head of the household, William, isn’t afforded most of the luxuries of the modern dad. There’s no iPad that can provide him a momentary reprieve from an aggravating child. What tools does William have at his disposal? A friggin’ goat.

(A24)

And holy shit are the kids in this movie aggravating. This is a toy aisle meltdown if we’ve ever seen one:

FINAL GRADE: B 

Steve Freeling from Poltergeist

(MGM)

Poltergeist is, at its core, a cautionary tale about leaving your kid with YouTube unsupervised. At least we think that’s what the conceit of the film was.

That spooky specter hand protruding from the TV? That’s a seemingly harmless YouTube thumbnail saying here, click me, child. Cut to ten minutes later when your kid has rabbit-holed themself onto a video of Spider-Man and Elsa shooting each other with machine guns.

What the fuck.

Since this is an old movie, we’ll cut Steve Freeling some slack. If you’re gonna let the TV babysit your kid, parental control settings are free of charge. But given the technological limitations of 1982, we’ll let him slide.

(MGM)

FINAL GRADE: B-

Satan from Rosemary’s Baby

(Not actual devil from movie.) (NRDC)

This fucking guy. Where do you even begin? Hell? Don’t even get us started on that shithole. Fire AND brimstone? Give me a break. Ladies, don’t you love it when a guy takes you back to his place, and there’s a lake of howling undead souls? Ooh I bet that’s a real deal-sealer. If there are three things a woman likes to see when she goes back to a guy’s place, it’s a bed frame, lots of towels, and a lake of howling undead souls. Pathetic. Inconveniencing some poor woman named Rosemary with your wishes to procreate, then showing up for none of the big stuff. No ultrasounds. Not one Lamaze class. Had gender reveal parties existed at the time, we’re sure you’d have missed that as well. Then you name the kid Adrian? Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles. You have like a thousand dope names, and you’re gonna saddle this kid with Rocky references for the rest of its life? Not on our watch, chief.

Thanks for Led Zeppelin though.

FINAL GRADE: C

Ohio Barber’s Act of Compassion For Child With Autism Goes Viral

(Marky Fresh/Ashley Juby)

Getting a haircut can be a trying experience for many youngsters. Letting a relative stranger into their child’s personal space can be just as difficult for parents, so anytime the routine can be made a little smoother is a win-win for everyone involved.

Earlier this month an Ohio barber has made headlines for what he says was a small, simple gesture he hopes anyone would do in the same situation. Marco Conti, co-owner of Marky Fresh Barbershop, recently told TODAY ”I really didn’t feel like it was such a big deal at the time. I felt like anyone would do that.”

Back on October 12th, Conti had an appointment with 7-year-old Brycen Juby. Brycen was diagnosed with Autism at age two and was nonverbal until the age of five, making things like a visit to the barber an even more tenuous situation than other children his age. But Brycen’s parent’s decided it was finally time to give it another shot.

Brycen’s mom, Ashley called to make an appointment. ”She wanted to bring her son in during a non-busier time of the day, so it would be a little more easier on him,” Conti recalls. But when Brycen and his dad arrived, the barber says he could immediately tell he’d have to figure out a creative solution. “He felt super emotional, crying inside about to get his haircut,” Conti said. “I could tell he felt more comfortable outside so I was like right off the cuff, ‘What if we cut your hair outside? Would you feel more comfortable?’ He agreed. I just wanted to make him feel safe and comfortable.”

Conti slid one of the waiting area chairs out front and set up shop. A coworker snapped a photo that has now made the rounds from morning shows to news sites around the world.

So why does such a simple act of understanding and compassion go viral? The truth is as common as it may seem, these bright spots can often be few and far between in today’s society. Add to that our desire to escape the endless political headlines and you have a recipe for internet rocket fuel.

People sounded off on Conti’s post, with parents of special needs children giving kudos to the business owner for “thinking outside the box” and making the experience a positive one. Brycen’s mom telling TODAY “To have a company so willing to accommodate is such a relief on my end or my husband’s end,” Ashley Juby said. “It’s pretty fantastic.”

Brycen’s mom sharing his handsome as heck picture-day-look to social media with a reminder for other parents. “I found if you reach out, there are good people that are willing to help you.”

While Conti was thrilled to have the influx of attention to his social media and business, the real reward for him was simply having another satisfied customer. In true barber fashion, he closes with a solid piece of advice:

“Be compassionate to one another,” the barber said. “Even the smallest act of kindness can mean the world to someone.”

Knockoff Halloween Costumes Are so Funny It’s Spooky

Knockoff Halloween Costumes
(Twitter/acidpanther/dannygberg)

One of the best parts of Halloween is the people-watching.

After all the preparation and planning and fretting over costumes is over, it’s time to trick or treat, or to go to a costume party, and regardless of how much you like your own outfit, you can have a blast scoping out all the stuff everyone else is wearing, and trying to guess what they are.

Of course, not all of them are obvious, especially if they’ve been bought at a pop-up store or Party City, where the costumes come in bags are often cheap imitations of famous characters, pop culture icons, or recent fads. Users on Twitter shared some of the best knock-offs they’ve seen this Halloween season, and part of the fun is not only guessing who or what that costume is meant to be, but what the off-brand version is called.

Twitter user @DanaSchwartzzz started a thread asking people to tweet the funniest ones they found, and it’s downright hilarious.

Dana kicked it off with a character from that classic 90s comedy “Notionless,” starting Alicia Goldrock:

Up next is the stylishly outfitted Cyber Man, from the Keanu Reeves blockbuster “The Maytrix?”

Whatever you do, don’t say “Juice Demon” three times!

Look, it’s the adorable young girl from the Netflix hit “Unusual Events!” I assume her name is Twelve?

Laugh if you want, but I respect Fantasy Land’s commitment to gender neutrality:

I may be wrong but didn’t Adam Sandler sing a song about the cafeteria lady at Chogborts, who served Hermanies and Grinders?

I barely even have words for this one. Thankfully they added a few extra:

Every guy dreams of a Supportive Hamburger Wife, including Bob from Bob’s Burgers. P.S. How is this not Velma from Scooby-Doo? Or maybe it’s both?

Sorry, but if you’re an adult who wants to dress like a minion for Halloween, you deserve what you get. As Eminem said, you’re like Despicable Me, the generic version:

We think you’ll FIND this one amusing:

Enjoy a glass of this orange juice every day if you want a little but of ultra-violence in your diet.

Louis and Marvin are the Sidekick Bros:

Cowabanga dude!

Go check out the whole thread here.

HBO Orders Targaryen Show to Series, Eclipses The Long Night

(HBO)

It’s been less than a year since Game of Thrones went off the air, and despite the controversy and disappointment surrounding the way it all ended, the show, and its character, will forever hold a spot in the hearts of TV fans. In fact, HBO is so bullish about the franchise’s popularity, they have had multiple spin-offs in the works for months.

Thanks to the heaps of backstory, and side story, and history, embedded within mastermind George R.R. Martin’s epic series, the GoT extended universe is broad, and HBO had a lot of material from which to spin another successful series. Yesterday, after months of speculation about exactly which stories would be told, we finally got some news.

In something of a shocking twist, the Naomi Watts-starring project, centered on the Long Night and based thousands of years before the start of the original show, has been dumped. This may not be a Red Wedding sized shocker, but Watts is a well-known star, and the pilot had already been shot. Apparently it wasn’t up to snuff for Home Box Office, so winter has come for that effort.

Don’t fret, though, because fresh on the heels of that disappointing news was the announcement of a show that did make it to series, despite, unlike the unofficially-titled The Long Night, having had little in the way of production-based chatter. We got some info recently, and now we know it’s a go.

According to Variety, the story HBO chose to focus on comes from the GoT companion book “Fire and Ice” and takes place a mere 300 years – as opposed to the failed show’s thousands – before the events of the original series. It will be called “House of the Dragon” and will tell the story of House Targaryen. Ya know, Daenerys’s house? The one with the dragons?

Obviously, Dany won’t be featured, nor will her father, the Mad King, but as we reported earlier this month, George R.R. Martin did drop some hints about the potential subject matter on his blog, but didn’t narrow it down. Or mention a title.

So we don’t know much, but we know it’s coming. It’s 10 episodes, it’s written by Ryan Condal (Hercules, The Colony), who will run the show alongside Thrones veteran Miguel Sapochnick, and it will feature the Targaryens. And dragons.

Which is good enough for us.

Couple Follows Up Alien Maternity Shoot by Celebrating His First Birthday

(Facebook/Todd Cameron)

Todd and Nicole Cameron are Halloween fanatics. In their eyes, the more gruesome, gory, and unsettling, the better.

So, it really shouldn’t have been a surprise to anyone when the couple unveiled their rather unorthodox maternity photos last year.

(Facebook/Todd Cameron)

Weird how everyone just assumed it was a human living inside Nicole the whole time.

Yes, that is a chestburster—the fanged, snake-like creatures from Ridley Scott’s Alien—exploding from her very pregnant belly.

“Our chests are bursting with love for our new addition,” Todd captioned the family photos, which were taken by Lila Carter.

Now, one year later, the baby xenomorph, appropriately named “Burston,” is still around and thriving with his human family. So what did the Cameron’s do to commemorate the anniversary of his explosive arrival?

They threw him a birthday party, of course! And on none other than the USCSS Nostromo, the ship where Ripley fought her first xenomorph.

“So hard to believe that yesterday, one whole year had gone by since our little guy burst through Nicole’s abdomen and into our hearts,” Todd shared on Facebook.

Todd told The Dad that he’s been a huge Alien fan ever since he saw it when he was 13.

“I remember being totally freaked out during the Chestburster scene,” Todd told The Dad. “The fact that the monster was coming from inside the victim was especially disturbing!”

Surely, that’s a feeling many expecting mothers can relate to when they become pregnant for the first time, too. Look, there are plenty of hilarious parallels one could make, which is why the joke is so spot-on.

(Facebook/Todd Cameron)

Unsurprisingly, online responses to Burston have been mixed.

“One woman from the states messaged me after the initial Alien maternity photoshoot and said that when she got to the part of the shoot where I started chasing the chestburster through the pumpkin patch, she laughed so hard that her family in the other room came to check to see if she was okay,” Todd recounted.

“On the other side, a local religious woman told me that we had likely cursed our newborn with this photoshoot. I responded that the only things he would be cursed with are parents with a healthy imagination and an extreme love of Halloween.”

(Facebook/Todd Cameron)

The virality of the post has had other laughable results as well. Google is apparently having a hard time deciphering whether or not these are legitimate family photos.

“Basically, any expectant mother or photographer who Googles ‘maternity photos’ will see our blood-soaked faces on the first page. Give it a try! This delights me to no end.”

(Facebook/Todd Cameron)

As for how long the gag can go on, Todd told The Dad that there are plenty of opportunities for future posts when it comes to the hurdles of raising a terrifying alien son.

“Xenomorphs hit their teenage years pretty quickly and as surly as teenagers get, I can only imagine how much worse a Xenoteen will be. Plus we always have to worry about xenophobia and deportation. I will definitely continue as long as I can!”

(Facebook/Todd Cameron)

Of course, with age comes new responsibilities and stages of life. Todd doesn’t seem worried, though. He’s ready to be a father to his weird alien son, in whatever capacity he needs.

“Eventually, I will, of course have to give the ‘The Pods and the Queens’ talk to young Burston as it’s more important than ever to give our kids all of the proper information about reproduction,” Todd elaborated, self-assuredly.

“I mean, everyone knows what just a little facehugging can lead to. Of course, first I’ll need to find out more about xenomorph anatomy myself. We all know about their acidic blood and, as he moves into adolescence, I’m just hoping that doesn’t apply to all bodily fluids.”

Those teenage years might be more terrifying than we thought.

(20th Century Fox)

Happy birthday, Burston. And Godspeed, mom, and dad.

For more horrifying Xenomorph goodness, check out Todd’s Instagram account, ‘chestburstingwithlove.’

Dad Annoys Wife and Creeps out Neighbors in Michael Myers Costume

Dad Dresses as Michael Myers
(Facebook/Michael Myers of Decatur /Whiskey and Wine Photography)

In my house, my wife is the Halloween person.

Every year, she and my son decide what they’re gonna be for Halloween, and then me and my toddler are drafted into service to help complete the theme. My toddler loves it, and I mostly grin and bear it, especially if my costume requires some ridiculous wig or face paint. Which they almost always do.

In Evan Zimmerman’s house, he is the one must gung-ho for Halloween, and he doesn’t bother doing the cutesy thing. He goes for full-on terror. His three kids don’t seem to mind but his wife isn’t exactly thrilled about it.

In a Facebook video that is going viral, Sabrina Zimmerman lets her true feelings about her husband’s predilection for Halloween horror come out. She was driving home from work and she spotted Evan out in the neighborhood, riding a bike with a toddler wagon attached to the back. And he is in full costume.

The man dresses up in a jumpsuit and Michael Myers mask, and I don’t care who’s wearing that get-up, it never stops being creepy. Her exasperation at his antics is almost funny enough to dull the fear of seeing him in costume.

“What the hell are you doing?” she asks, following it up with and equally annoyed, “Oh my god, are we those people now?”

Staying in character, Evan doesn’t respond, he merely stares at his wife for a moment before pedaling way. It’s effective, to say the least.

“There’s something about Michael with the white face and the way he walks,” Evan, 36, told TODAY Parents. “He creeps people out more than anybody.”

“I’ll stand in random peoples yards and look at them through the window until they notice me standing there,” Evan revealed. “I carry a fake butcher knife.”

Recently he was threatend by a man who said he was going to shoot him.

But it’s his wife who seems to be his main victim. She captioned the video – which has 5 million views and over 160,000 shares on Facebook – “Soooooo this is happening……can it be November yet!?!?🤦‍♀️🎃☠️Michael Myers strikes again🙄”

Apparently, Evan has been donning his Michael Myers outfit for quite some time.

“I’ve been doing this costume since 2012, but this is the first year she recorded me,” Evan said. You’d think she’d be used to it. But I don’t think that mask ever loses its impact.

Father Figures: Somehow, Someway

“My wife and I tried for our “Bear” for almost 4 1/2 years. After countless doctors visits and a rather embarrassing appointment at a male fertility clinic, we thought we’d finally succeeded. My wife was ‘late’ one particular month and our hopes shot through the roof.

First doctor visit down, confirmation! I was through the roof! Next visit, ultrasound, there he/she was! “OMG, it’s really happening!’ Weeks went by, names chosen, nursery planning… but always caution. We’d tried too long to get overconfident.

Then the worst. The words in the middle of the night still echo in my head:’Babe, something just doesn’t feel right.’

I’d hurt before, and we thought we’d mentally prepared for the possibility, but you can’t prepare enough.

The loss was one thing, but the pain and sadness in my wife’s face…the pain and sadness I could not take away, I couldn’t fix, and which I somehow felt responsible for. We gave up. We couldn’t survive that again. Our relationship had reached its breaking point and somehow we held on to each other.

‘We’ll move on. No more trying.’

Well ‘Little Bear’ didn’t give a damn about our plans. Somehow, someway, about a year later the most perfect, healthy, beautiful 9-pound wonder completed our family.

I thought I knew happiness in the past, but nothing will ever equal the level of happy my l’il girl brings into my life everyday.”

– Joe Gonzales

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

They Changed the ABC Song and I Hope They Burn in H-E-L-L

They Changed the Alphabet Song
(Twitter/NoahGarfinkel dreamenglish.com)

One of the exciting aspects of living in the world in 2019 is how you never know how you’re day is going to be ruined. There are so many tantalizing possibilities, from a new report on climate change to a political blunder, from a bad lineup decision in fantasy football to an impending remake of one of your favorite movies.

There is so much information at our fingertips at all times, from so many disparate and immediate sources, that you simply never know from whence the next blindside will come, or in what form it will take. Sometimes bad news comes in obvious forms, but sometimes it comes in a way you could never anticipate. It’s like being on the roof at the end of Ghostbusters and accidentally summoning the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to spell your doom.

Today’s Marshmallow Man arrived via tweet, and it’s even more horrifying than being faced with Gozer. Someone went ahead and altered the ABC song. Judging by the results, let’s all pray they don’t alter it further.

In a misguided attempt to make the “L-M-N-O-P” portion of the song more understandable to children, presumably, so they don’t go around thinking that LMNOP is one letter? For some reason, they decided that can’t be done by enunciating the letters more clearly without mangling the tune, so they’ve fundamentally changed the way the alphabet is sung. And while some people may think the caption to this week is a bit strong, I’m not sure it’s strong enough.

Just listen to this abomination, which should change its name from “The ABC Song” to “The FUBAR Song.”

When it gets to the offending portion it’s almost as if the guy singing has forgotten the letters and is slowing down while he racks his brain to remember them. But you quickly realize that no, that’s not the case, this is not a terrible mistake. It’s all by design, and it’s horrifying.

To make matters worse, by changing the flow of the L-M-N-O-P part, the entire second half of the song is altered as well. It’s like the butterfly effect, only instead of the simple flapping of a butterfly’s wings causing reverberations that fundamentally alter our reality, it’s the changing of the beloved melody of a lovely little song that changes the entire song. And also fundamentally alters our reality!

I’m not the only one disturbed by this.

This one sums it up:

I don’t want to live in a world where children sing this song. Never mind the fact that it’s also the melody to “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and Baa Baa Sheep. This is because all three songs share the same source: a 1761 French melody called “Ah vous dirais-je, Maman by Bouin,” which some people suspect was written by Mozart). What is to become of those songs now?!

Apparently Mozart isn’t good enough for the people behind this version. And Hell is too good for them!

“Eating too Much Candy Causes Stomach Aches,” Warns Dad With Stomach Ache

Dad Gets Stomach Ache from Candy
(Gatty/ljubaphoto)

HIALEAH, FL – In a stern warning to his children with regards to their Halloween haul, local father Nick Wallace cautioned his kids against eating too much candy or else they’d suffer stomach pains, which ironically are what Nick seems to be suffering from at this very moment.

“If you eat too much candy, you’ll get a stomach ache,” advised Nick, before abruptly dry heaving and clutching at his belly, which may be a clue as to where his children’s missing candy disappeared to.

While Nick rolled around on the couch in agony, his kids concluded—and rightfully so—that he was the reason there seemed to be fewer Twix bars in each of their candy bags than they had remembered, leaving them to doubt whether their dad’s warning came with good intentions or if he was just trying to distract from his own transgressions.

“Trust me, you don’t want to end up laying on the sofa feeling like you’re going to throw up. Now if you’ll excuse me…” said Nick, just prior to bolting out of the room and into the bathroom where vomiting sounds could be heard.

Confirming their suspicions, Nick’s children found several discarded candy wrappers in the trashcan located in their dad’s man cave, making them hesitant to ever listen to their father’s advice ever again.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.