11 Daylight Saving Time Tweets To Make You Laugh In The Midst Of Horror

(Twitter/TheToddWilliams and Getty/PeopleImages)

HELLO AND GOOD MORNING! Are you feeling rested on this fine day, the Monday after Daylight Saving Time? You’re not? Oh, that’s right. Of course you’re not. Because chances are you didn’t force yourself to go to sleep an hour earlier than your body is used to, and in addition to staying up “late,” your alarm clock cruelly forced you out of bed before it felt humane.

Well, grab an extra cup of coffee and mindlessly scroll through these funny tweets that commiserate on the antiquated practice of messing with our internal and external clocks. We’re in this together.

I couldn't explain any of it if I wanted to.

Is this the good daylight savings or the bad one

— Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) November 3, 2017

Honestly, it feels completely unreasonable.

Daylight Savings? In this economy?

— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 12, 2017

What kind of dictatorship is this, anyway? Let's take back our power.

Forget DST. Let's all set our clocks back 3 hours. You want more sleep, I want more sleep. If everyone does it, who's gonna stop us?

— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) March 20, 2016

We're just too old for this shit, man.

I've reached that fun age where daylight savings basically renders me incapacitated.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 12, 2017

It's like friggin' Vietnam out here.

how daylight savings has affected my health: I have not slept in 600 years and I have no face. my legs are foam. It's the clock's fault

— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 14, 2017

Guys, our souls are at stake, and those don't grow back. They're like enamel.

When you get older, Daylight Saving Time doesn’t just take an hour from you, it takes a piece of your soul.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 11, 2018

RIP. Taken too soon.

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by daylight saving time, a single hour

— Concrete blond (@Super_Cynthia) March 13, 2017

Whoever came up with this daylight saving time should have to put my kids to bed themselves.

Daylight saving time is cool if you like trying to put your toddler to bed when it looks like it's 3PM out.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 11, 2017

The very fabric of our communities are being unraveled.

Plus side, I can blame everything today on the time change:
"Sorry I was late; DST"
"Sorry I seem hungover; DST"
"Sorry I stabbed you; DST"

— Myrrh (@ixix82) March 14, 2016

Was this the point all along?

what's everyone doing with all the daylight they saved over the summer? i'm building a second sun.

— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) November 27, 2017

There's only one thing left to say...

FUCK THE SUN COPS AND THEIR HOUR GRAFT

— Dread Singles (@hottestsingles) March 11, 2018

Sending you all wishes for supernatural energy to get through today. Let’s call it an early night, shall we?

11 Incredibly WTF Stock Photos

By Ashley Love

A short scroll through Getty Images’ B Team.

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you are a gifted photographer, contributing to the craft some of the most beautiful captured images that the world has ever seen. A dream come true, right? Ok, now flip it. The dream is now a nightmare, and these images are twisted, mundane, outrageous scenes. Instead of filling hearts with light and life, these pictures fill minds with discomfort, confusion, and a general sense of unpleasantness. Welcome to the murky reality of stock photography. Enjoy.

1 Butt-sniffing dogs.

Do you have a hankerin’ to watch dogs sniff each other’s butts but you can’t make it to the dog park? Well buddy, do I have some good news for you- there’s an entire stock photo selection of them.

2 Old woman who wants to fight you.

I’m gonna knock you out, grandmama said knock you out.

3 Evil clowns emerging from the forest.

Nothing like a pair of murderous clowns to start your morning and ruin your day.

4 Woman who’s actually a robot, who’s taking off her face.

Black Mirror 2018

5 Another robot, but this one is without limbs and can be interviewed.

No idea what this little guy is, but I am simultaneously terrified and desperate to know more.

6 Person fully submerged in a toilet who only needs a small amount of toilet paper.

It is I, Toilet Person, coming out of the sewer and onto your computer or mobile device for all your practical image needs.

7 Incredibly creepy display of doll things.

A museum of severed doll heads spells fun for the whole family.

8 Homemade halloween dog.

Like Glamour Shots, but for your dog, who is also a ghost. Spectacular and necessary.

9 Sweet elderly woman casually relaxing with a giant chicken.

This week on The Jerry Springer Show: A love triangle is exposed, and you won’t believe what happens next.

10 Old couple caught in the side-mirror reflection of a motorcycle while sensually touching:

I don’t mean to be ageist, but what the hell is going on here. Viagra ad? Midlife crisis dating website? Who is using this photo?

11 Grossed-out doctor with a gross guy who looks way too pleased about medical procedures.

I have a lot of questions, and they all start with “Why?”

There you have it, a dozen stock photos that will likely disappear into the internet, never to be seen again. Hopefully, they can rest in peace having accomplished the goal of making us all think, “yikes.”

6 Things She Really Wants For Valentine’s Day

By Ashley Love

A guide for the truly lost

Men, Valentine’s day is quickly approaching and, to your credit, this can be a tricky one. Some women are all about those conversation hearts, while others swear that V-day is a holiday manufactured by the Hallmark company to sell cards and tacky merchandise. If you’re not quite sure which type your best gal is, the bottom line is that something is better than nothing. Here’s a quick guide to help you suavely tackle February 14th.

1 She wants you to actually remember that it’s Valentine’s Day.

Alright, guys. Your pal Cupid is visiting on a Wednesday this year. Take your phone out and set yourself a reminder. There. You’re already off to a great start.

2 She wants a small gesture.

A card; some chocolates (NOT from the grocery store); maybe a coffee or a muffin waiting for her when she wakes up; flowers, if she’s into that kind of thing; etc… Consider this ground floor of Valentine’s Day. The requirement here is at least one small thing which will communicate to her, “I love you and I thought about you.” For some women, this might be enough, but there’s definitely no harm in going a step beyond. Regardless, this small gesture will set the tone for the entire day.

3 She wants a clean house.

No matter the current condition of your home, the woman in your life works her ass off, and I promise you that any additional help kicking that house into gear will be appreciated. Take some of those to-dos off her plate so she can relax. Everything’s already in order? Look for some deep cleaning chores that don’t get done on a regular basis. Things that might fall under this category would be: Cleaning out the fridge, scrubbing the stovetop, dusting the ceiling fans. You can do this, men. I believe in you.

4 Not enough time to clean the house? Fine. She wants a clean car.

If your Valentine is anything like me, she has multiple car seats in her car and, much to her dismay, essentially drives a trashcan on wheels. Get in there and help a girl out. Vacuum those carpets, wipe down that dashboard, go ahead and hang a little air freshener if you’re really wanting to woo her. She’ll be thankful you did.

5 She wants dinner.

Now, obviously, there are two ways this can go – Staying in or going out. Neither is necessarily superior, so take your woman’s preferences into account here. Either way, it would be lovely if you took care of the whole dang thing. Are you cooking? Get groceries AHEAD OF TIME. Don’t go running out after work, leaving her to take care of the kids solo for any extra amount of time today. And if you’re going out? Handle the reservations. Hire the babysitter. Please remember that if you take this route, don’t just yell “Surprise!” when the babysitter rings the doorbell. It’s important to let her know the plans with enough time in advance for her to prep, mentally and physically, for date night.

6 She wants to hear something sweet.

Last but not least, remind her why she’s your valentine. What do you love about her? What are things she does that you appreciate? Got ’em? Great, now write those suckers down and pass them along like a schoolyard love note. It doesn’t even have to be anything super mushy, but those nice words have the power to go a long, long way.

That’s it! A handful of easy ways to show the apple of your eye that you care, without a single lingerie purchase (which, for the record, is a gift for you, not for her, ya dummy). Happy Valentine’s Day, boys, and godspeed on all your romantic endeavors.

Ashley Love