Roxanne Legere

New Orleans-based artist and writer. #1 rated over cable. Follow her on Twitter

The Story Of The Sideline – An Investigative Report

(Flickr/Thomson20192)

Ever wonder why there are so many random dudes on the sidelines at football games? Ever think, “What the hell are they all doing? Do each of them have a job? Are they ALL on the payroll?” Well, concerned sports fans, the answer is yes, and I’m here to make sure you’re aware of some of these vital roles.

(Sean Simmer/The Patriot)

Hype Director-$52,000 per season

After years of studying other forms of entertainment, Big Football noticed hip-hop performances had something special going for them. What do they have? They have the guy who’s always there, who’s going to rep you no matter what and keep things exciting — the hype guy. That’s Ted’s job. Need someone to be overly enthusiastic on the sideline, maybe even doing the worm? That’s Ted, and he’s so, so happy to be here. Thanks for keeping it flippity fly, T-money.


 

(Getty/Justin K. Aller)

Hair and Makeup Artist-$78,000 per season

Helmet hair is brutal. And with all the cameras around, it can be distracting for players to imagine tuning into ESPN the next day only to see a picture of them not looking their best. That’s why they don’t go anywhere without guys like Julio on deck. Julio’s out there with the hair gel, the moisturizer, the brow liner, making sure their overall “image” is maintained throughout the game. That way they look stunning for interviews, sideline shots, and on-field photos. Hello, Sports Illustrated cover!


 

(AP Images/Andy Lanis)

Contemplation Coordinator-$68,000 per season

Some people would suggest we shouldn’t support college and pro sports. On top of being a huge money-suck, they are believed to promote aggression, division, and the injuries can be life-altering. Well, the football overlords want you to know they have their eyes on the issue, and they’ve hired guys like Terry (all the way on the left there) to contemplate the purpose of all this. Terry’s always there, absorbing everything. Just look at that intense reflection. Keep your chin up, Terry.


 

(via ESPN)

Director of Vibes-$74,000 per season

When the game becomes taxing and the outcome is uncertain, guess who takes on a lot of that stress — the coach. The camera’s on him, the owner is looking down deciding whether or not to maybe fire him after this season, the pressure is crazy. Our guy Dave in the white shirt is responsible for emergency, stress-reducing hugs. These keep the coach focused and relaxed. Mmmm… lovely. Thank you, Dave.


 

(Bettina Hansen/The Seattle Times)

Team Poet-$46,500 per season

Football is an art. It requires skill, poise, and grace; but a lot of times we can get caught up in the aggression and perceived baseness of it all. That’s why they’ve hired Michal. Michal’s sideline job is to write beautiful prose during the game. He then reads it to the players to make sure they remain grounded in the art of the sport. You think Cam Newton cries all the time because he’s just emotional about the game? No, that’s Michal working his poetic magic.


 

(via WCVB)

Trevor and Dad-$89,000 per season

Ever see some teenager on the sideline and wonder what on earth are they doing there? Well, a lot is happening at any given moment. Most of it legal, some of it maybe not. Football organizations have hired teams such as Trevor and his dad for incidences straying into the latter. They’re the experts. If legal action needs to be taken, Trevor will make the call and will inform you that his dad is “gonna sue your ass.” Good work, legal team.


 

(Brian Spurlock/US PRESSWIRE)

Hands-On Seamstress-$51,500 per season

We’ve all seen the guy on the sideline who pats the players’ butts when they come off the field. Who is that guy, what’s his deal, is he trying to cop a feel? Of course not. That’s Jim, and his job is to check the seams on players’ tights to be sure there are no accidental, embarrassing splits. Don’t believe me? Look below to see just one example of Jim saving the day. He’s proud of his work and insists it’s not gay at all. Not that he minds the gays, because he doesn’t; in fact, his ex-wife used to know one.


(via SBNation)

 

So, next time you’re watching, give a little tip of the hat to our guys on the front line. They do it all for you. Oh, and I say guys because remember, folks. The only way a woman is getting on that sideline is if she’s wearing a tiny, sparkling outfit and dancing in unison with the rest of her kind.