13 Hilarious Tweets That Blur The Line Between Man And Beast
Ever since that damn groundhog declared an extended winter I’ve been thinking about how easy he has it. Crawl out of a hole, make one bad decision, and then go back to sleep. Sounds pretty good to me. In fact, I bet I’d be pretty good at MOST animal jobs and I like to think some beastie out there might be willing to trade lives with me. In that spirit, here are 13 tweets about people behaving like animals – and vice versa!
1 Strangers in the night.
A stray kitten walks up to me on the street.
It’s not a kitten. It’s a raccoon.
I’m not me. I’m a raccoon.
We battle.
— Das Skoogeth (@Skoogeth) November 30, 2017
2 A lovely gift for the next person who comes along.
I want to submerge my entire body in Elmer's glue then let it dry and shed my form on a jogging trail like a snake skin
— tragic ally (@TragicAllyHere) August 30, 2017
3 Hey, we all make impulse purchases.
Me: hey did you buy '100 Count Tennis Balls' from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*— Ygrene (@Ygrene) November 1, 2017
4 If that snout is suitable for anything, it's this.
genie: so your first wish…
me: i wish to be an anteater
genie: uh, o-okay, and your second?
me, an anteater: gimme a big ol’ plate of spaghetti made of just one noodle
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) February 5, 2018
5 Hoofing it.
*classroom of deer are silently taking a test*
*pencil lead snaps*
*every head in the room jerks up*
*teacher just fucken bolts*
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) March 13, 2015
6 Grammar snobbery is universal.
{Me as an owl}
ME: Whom.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) June 5, 2017
7 Body shaming for reptiles!
A middle-aged lizardman walks through a shop with an obviously fake tail, increasingly nervous someone will step on it and it won't fall off
— Bathtub Sammich (@SaddleLawman) February 5, 2016
8 Marriage isn't always a fairy tale.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can't sleep here! It's toooo hard— Hey, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 20, 2015
9 IF ONLY!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can't just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who's a good boy?!— ådåm (@ThatAdamKid) June 30, 2017
10 Panic attacks are for the birds (and bees).
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is 'babe'
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There's another 'B'
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) March 25, 2015
11 Calm down, buddy.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there— content provider (@cwhudson) July 3, 2015
12 Menstagram.
Things on Cat Twitter:
Pics of humans sleeping
Humans looking shameful on the toilet
HUMAN TOES
— Ricki Tarr (@ShootyDoody) October 11, 2017
13 Finally, man or animal, leave them with a kiss at the door.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that's how slugs kiss— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) March 3, 2016
