The Dad

Generic catch all for posts written by The Dad staff or Father Figures.

Man Builds Paraglides While Sitting on the Sofa Watching TV

(YouTube/ Hasan Kaval)

Ingenuity has been off the charts in recent months. From Nintendo Switch TV frames to dinosaur jungle gyms, there’s never been a better time to roll up your sleeves, hunker down in the garage, and build something that until then had only existed in your imagination.

Meet Hasan Kaval from Izmir, Turkey, the da Vinci of our time.

(YouTube/ Hasan Kaval)

By now we’ve all surely grown bored with our couches. Hasan, however, has literally taken that lethargy to new heights by turning his sofa into a paraglider, complete with a footstool, lamp, and working TV.

Here you can see some fellas securing the bottom with a custom metal frame.

(9GAG/ Hasan Kaval)

Hasan paraglides professionally, working as a pilot and instructor. But lately, you can catch him sailing above the Fethiye district in Southwest Turkey on his cherry-red sofa chair, slippers on, a bag of chips and pop in hand, watching some Tom & Jerry.

To initiate flight he just sort of… has his buddies push him off a really high up ledge. It’s bananas. You can watch the couch-glider in action in this video from his YouTube channel.

So rad. Kind of a bummer that “couch surfing” is already a much lamer thing.

The Guys From Toto Perform Quarantine “Africa” From Their Homes

Toto Performs Quarantine Africa
(YouTube/Joseph Williams)

If there’s one song from the 80s that withstood the test of time, it’s “Africa” by Toto. Every so often, it reenters the public consciousness, be it by way of Scrubs episode, Weezer cover, or even buzzing Tesla coils. It’s a near-perfect song, and it’s never going anywhere.

In the spirit of this recent slew of virtual pop culture reunions, some of the guys from Toto got together to dust off their 1982 hit.

Returning for lead vocals you is Joseph Williams.

(YouTube/Joseph Williams)

On percussion, we’ve got Mr. DOO-DOO D-DOO D-DOO D-DOO DOO PSHHH himself, Lenny Castro.

(YouTube/Joseph Williams)

And on vertical phone orientation, we’ve got guitarist Steve Lukather.

(YouTube/Joseph Williams)

You know the words. You know the legendary drum fills. Now get ready to hear “Africa” as you’ve never heard it before: through the lens of a quarantine. Enjoy!

“I really hope you guys out there are safe and well,” says Steve on guitar. “God bless. Hang in there.”

Sega Is Releasing a Mini Console Loaded With 32 Classic Games

Sega Mini Console
(Sega/Hardcore Gaming 101)

Sega is slowly becoming a titan in the gaming world of portable emulators. Last year, the Japanese video game developer announced the Genesis Mini, a plug-and-play consoled packed with 40 classic games, from Altered Beasts to Ecco The Dolphin.

(Target)

More recently, they revealed the Game Gear Micro, which is exactly what it sounds like.

(Sega)

Well now, in what could very well be the shrunken console industry’s first hat trick, Sega has unveiled the Astro City Mini. This mini replica is shaped to look just like Sega’s 1993 Astro City arcade cabinet, which is super iconic in Japan and sought after to this day by collectors.

You can check out the official Japanese promo video here:

The portable console will come pre-loaded with 36 classic games, of which the following have been confirmed:

  • Alien Syndrome
  • Alien Storm
  • Golden Axe
  • Golden Axe: The Revenge of Death Adder
  • Columns II
  • Dark Edge
  • Puzzle & Action: Tant-R
  • Virtua Fighter
  • Fantasy Zone
  • Altered Beast

If you’re not hip to Altered Beasts, educate yourself.

Also, exciting fact: this is the very first time Golden Axe: The Revenge of Death Adder

and Dark Edge…

(Sega)

will be available to play on a home system. Until now, they’ve only existed in arcade form. Pretty cool!

There will also be handheld controllers, sold separately, which will come in handy once you HDMI this bad boy to the TV and bash some side-scroller aliens on the big screen.

(Sega)

The Sega Astro City Mini will soon be available in Japan for ¥12,800 (approximately $114), but no word on an international launch just yet. This looks dope though, so fingers crossed!

“Just Resting My Eyes,” Says Dad Waking up From 8-Year Coma

"Just Resting My Eyes"
(Getty/ER Productions Limited)

In a development that’s baffling medical professionals worldwide, 56-year-old dad Gary Hudson awoke from an eight-year coma this week, only to matter-of-factly assure his family he’d simply been resting his eyes.

“Just lettin’ the lids get take a load off,” Gary said, having just spent the better part of a decade with no observable cognition or awareness of external stimuli. “Can’t be just dozing off mid-Monday now can we.”

Gary, whose cerebrum had recently forgone communication with his brain stem for almost 3,000 consecutive days, guaranteed his loved ones he’d merely shuttered the blinds for a “short rest.”

Sources claim Gary emerged from his comatose state after an orderly changed the hospital room TV channel, which he was watching.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Grades: Walter White From Breaking Bad

(Sony Pictures)

It’s been 7 years now since Breaking Bad drew to a close, and we heard Heisenberg utter those unforgettable final words: “Goodbye, Lydia.” No really, that was the last thing anyone on the show said, if you don’t count Jesse’s getaway scream. Seriously. Go check. We don’t talk about this enough. Insane.

Nevertheless, Breaking Bad was a pretty incredible show. Prestige TV at its prestigest. For 5-but-actually-6 seasons, we witnessed the trajectory of Walter White, a terminally ill chemistry professor turned maniacal drug kingpin. Through first-rate performances, masterful storytelling, and cinematography like this

(Sony Pictures Television)

fans were enthralled by Walt’s slow transformation into Heisenberg. But was he a good dad? No. What. Are you insane? Of course not. But we’re gonna give him a Dad Grades anyway.

Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD

STRENGTHS

The premise of this show is rooted in Walt’s responsibilities as a husband and father. After being diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer, Walt decides he needs to make a shitload of money, and fast, to provide financial security for his family. This sounds noble, and something a good dad might even do! More later on how he chooses to acquire this money.

(Sony Pictures Television)

On the surface, Walt’s a great dad. A provider, a teacher, a protector. In season one, we see Walt start to break bad when his son, Walt Jr, who had cerebral palsy, is mocked while trying on jeans. Not on Walt’s watch.

With a second child on the way, Walt continually asserts that every decision he makes, he makes for his family. Occasionally, he’ll try to prove it, like in the season 5 episode “Fifty-One”, in which he concludes a driving lesson with Walt Jr. by purchasing him a brand new Dodge Challenger.

Best of all, he never once tries to rope his into the meth business. Nepotism runs rampant in this society, so it’s refreshing to see Jr. merely running a register and wishing folks an “A1 day” at the car wash. It is a money-laundering scheme, but whatever. He’s good at it.

(Sony Pictures Television)

Again, it’s clear that at first Walt operated with the most selfless of intentions, driven to leave his family peace of mind in the face of mounting medical bills. If you don’t think about it too much, Walt’s a good father.

WEAKNESSES

“I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And I was really — I was alive.”

That’s Walt, to Skyler, in the series finale. Regardless of what we thought of Walt in season one, it’s suggested his motives, in the beginning, were ulterior.

Remember The Bucket List, that movie where Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson live their lives to the fullest when confronted with terminal lung cancer? This is sorta like that, except instead of visiting the Taj Mahal and skydiving it’s becoming a treacherous drug lord.

Walt is a truly morally reprehensible guy. He wins us over through sympathy in the first season. We were sorta with when he choked out Krazy-8 and dissolved his body in a barrel of acid. We were sorta with him when he brought down Tuco. But dude…

He watched and did nothing as Jane, the love of Jesse’s life, choked to death in her sleep.

(Sony Pictures Television)

He convinced Jesse to murder the mild-mannered, relatively harmless Gale.

(Sony Pictures Television)

And need we remind you, in a later season, he straight-up poisons a child.

Walt was ostensibly the closest thing Jesse had to a father figure, and he was controlling, selfish, and manipulative the entire time. As Walt descended into unmitigated corruption, he never hesitated to throw Jesse under the bus. Once, while Jesse was literally under a car.

After Uncle Jack executes Hank in the desert, in what’s widely regarded as the series’ best scene, Walt spots Jesse hiding under a car and turns him over to Jack’s Aryan Nation buddies. But not before saying what’s quite possibly the shittiest thing anyone has ever said to another human:


Just a really bad man, man. Redemption was never an option.

Oh, and do we even need to bring up what a dick he was to his wife? People write Skyler White off as a nagging shrew for not being a sufficiently enthusiastic cheerleader while her megalomaniacal meth kingpin husband gives ricin to a six-year-old. Skyler wasn’t the bad guy, you were for thinking that.

Also, we’re gonna have to deduct points here for his poor execution of the classic dad move, Bringing Home A Pizza For Dinner.

VERDICT

Walter White is a despicable person. He lies habitually. He routinely puts his family in harm’s way. He’s the sole reason little Holly will never know her Uncle Hank. Also, did we mention the Jane dying thing? That. Walter White is Heisenberg, and Heisenberg is a monster, and no birthday bacon is gonna change that.

FINAL GRADE: F

Check out our previous edition where we graded John McClane from Die Hard.

25+ Baseball Facts For A’s Fans to Yanks (And Everyone In Between)

baseball facts
(Getty/New York Times Co.)

Everyone has a baseball memory. For some it’s all about childhood viewings of baseball movies that left a mark on us, for others, all about our dads coaching Little League.  More than memories, baseball fans (and sports fans in general) are amazing at keeping track of stats and facts. After all, they’re somewhat useful to keep in your back pocket. So, in case your pockets aren’t full enough already, here are some of our favorite baseball facts in the sport’s 150-plus year history.

1 Dock Ellis, the Pirates’ starting pitcher, pitched his first and only no-hitter of his career on June 12th, 1970… while high on LSD.

2. The first World Series was played between Pittsburgh and Boston in 1903 and was a nine-game series. Boston won the series 5-3.

3. The oldest baseball park still in use is Fenway Park, the home field of the Boston Red Sox, which debuted in 1912.

4. Thanks to Hurricane Irene, the record for the least amount of people at a baseball game was set in 2011 when the Florida Marlins played the Cincinnati Reds. Only 347 people attended the game. But, what devotion!

5. Minor league pitcher Jackie Mitchell is famous for striking out both Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig in succession in the 1930s. <i>She</i> was promptly banned from Major and Minor League Baseball.

6. Ken Griffey Sr. and Ken Griffey Jr. became the first father and son to play in the major leagues as teammates for the Seattle Mariners in 1990.

7. On September 14, 1990, they hit back-to-back home runs, creating another father-son baseball first.

8. Japan has the largest pro baseball league outside the U.S.

9. Baseball bats in the minor and major leagues are made from wood. However, metal bats are used at the college level.

10. The first pro baseball game ever to be aired on television was on August 26, 1939, it was a double-header between Brooklyn and Cincinnati.

11. A “can of corn” is an easy fly ball. The term comes from when old-time grocers used their aprons to catch cans knocked from a high shelf.

12. The New York Yankees have won 26 World Series titles, which is more than any other team.

13. For the first half of the 20th century, major league teams barred African-Americans from participating in its baseball games.

14. African-Americans formed “Negro Leagues,” which had some of the greatest players of the century.

15. Bats all weigh the same, but may feel lighter or heavier when they are swung. The “swing weight” differs according to the distribution of mass in a bat.

16. Each MLB ball has 108 stitches. (The first and last stitches are hidden.)

17. Each ball is handsewn.

18. A ball is only used for six pitches and then it’s retired.

19. During a typical game, approximately 70 balls are used.

20. Craig Biggio of the Houston Astros holds the record for a player most often hit by a pitch.

21. The oldest player to hit a home run was Julio Franco. He was 47 years and 240 days old when he hit a home run for the Mets in 2006.

22. The last major league ballpark to install lights was Chicago’s Wrigley Field in 1988. Previously, the Cubs would only play daytime games, since their stadium didn’t have lights.

23. In 1930, Babe Ruth made $80,000, which is about $1 million after inflation.

24. The unofficial anthem of American baseball, “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” is traditionally sung during the middle of the 7th inning.

25. “Cranks” was an early term for baseball fans in the late 1880s.

26. There’s a rule that states a pitcher must first wipe his hand on his uniform before he grips the ball for a pitch.

The Dad Law: The Definitive Rule Book for All Things Dad

The Dad Law Book
(The Dad)

Fatherhood comes with it a plethora of guidelines. If your kid hands you a toy phone, you answer that toy phone. If your kid is thirsty, you are Friday. For thousands of years, these rules have been unwritten. Until now.

Introducing: THE DAD LAW.

(The Dad)

From road trip etiquette to pun regulations, this gorgeous leather-bound book is the most thorough briefing on every do, don’t, and duh pertaining to fatherhood. Is it okay to let your kid win in Mario Kart? When to use cool your jets vs hold your horses? It’s all in this bad boy.

Here are a few choice excerpts:

It’s the authority on language…

healthy road rage…

less healthy eating habits…

workplace motivation…

light goofing…

and facilitating a sense of community.

There are also plenty of cool illustrations within, including tong diagrams…

(The Dad)

and visual aids for embarrassing puns.

(The Dad)

Click right here to snag a copy for a measly $22 (because we know “money doesn’t grow on trees”, “you’re not made of money,” etc) and explore 202 whole pages of these silly, sweet, and painful universal truths about fatherhood with your very own copy of THE DAD LAW!

Local Cat Dad Knows Exactly What Father With Newborn is Going Through

(Getty/ Westend61)

Emphasizing the importance of a full night’s sleep, and the difficulty in achieving this with a pet that occasionally jumps on you, local cat dad Ben Perkins assured his pal Richie he knew exactly what he, father to a newborn, was going through.

“Yeah man every so often she’ll hop up on the bed at like 3 in the morning,” Ben complained to his buddy that hasn’t clocked more than three hours of shuteye since mid-April. “Purring softly, pawing gently at my face. It’s like um hello some of us have work in the morning! You get that though, what with the baby.”

Richie, who’d just come from changing a diaper that defied the physical laws of human biology, was then clued in on the tedium of litter boxes. “It’s just sift, scoop, sift, scoop,” Ben continued. “I’m essentially on autopilot now. Diapers will get boring after a while too, you’ll see.”

Ben then went on a short rant about cats walking on laptop keyboards, just moments after Richie’s 5-year-old ran naked through an important work call on Zoom.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Ohhh! HBO Made a Special Dictionary for the Sopranos

Sopranos Dictionary
(YouTube/HBO)

Anyone who’s watched The Sopranos is well familiar with its educational value. From the importance of family to the durability of leftover chicken parm, it’s basically Sesame Street with violent Sicilians. And much like Sesame Street, you’re bound to learn a word or two.

HBO has graciously compiled a visual glossary of Soprano-speak, and it’s every bit as entertaining as it is informative. You’ll be talking like Tony Soprano (RIP) in no time.

Gabagool

Sopranos Diction: Gabagool
(Youtube / HBO)

This is easily the most important word. Learn it, know it.

Ex: Someone took my gabagool outta the fridge.

And you just build from there!

Oh!

Sopranos Diction: Oh!
(Youtube / HBO)

Ex: Oh! Someone took my gabagool outta the fridge.

Sit-Down

Sopranos Diction: Sit-Down
(Youtube / HBO)

Ex: Having a sit-down to determine which kid ate my gabagool.

Snakes With Fur

Sopranos Diction: Snakes With Fur
(Youtube / HBO)

Ex: Going to the animal shelter to adopt a snake with fur right after I finish this gabagool.

Gesticulate wildly, incorporate a handful of F-bombs, and voila. You are now a The Soprano.

Watch this video below to see those words and many more in all their Italian-American glory!

Daughter Invents Window That Allows Dad to Hug Quarantined Mom

(GMA / Kathy Rainwater-Roe)

When the coronavirus forced us all into quarantine, we all feared hugging would quickly become a remnant of simpler times. Social distancing guidelines made high risk endeavors out of the warm embrace of a loved one.

George and Jan Glass have been married for 61 years. Jan lives at the Hope Center Memory Care Facility. Her dementia makes it difficult to understand why she’s not allowed to touch her husband, who’d previously spent every day with her.

Thank goodness for a family with a background in physics!

The couple’s daughter, Cindy Shinabarger, designed a “Safe Hug Window” that utilizes sleeves and disposable gloves to allow loved ones to reach in and make safe physical contact with her.

Check out the video below to see Cindy’s Safe Hug Window in action!

Cindy told Good Morning America that her dad is visiting her mom on a regular basis once again and, through thick and thin, he will be there holding her hand. We wish them the best!

New LEGO Line Lets You Make Pop Art

LEGO Pop Art
(LEGO)

For the uninitiated, “pop art” was a movement that emerged in the 1950s in which artists created bold, colorful, vivid depictions of familiar subjects, from celebrities to comic books to the everyday mundane. You probably know the style best from the time Andy Warhol painted 32 cans of Campbell’s tomato soup.

(MoMa)

Now LEGO, who recently announced upcoming sets based on Home Alone and Seinfeld, is launching a line of LEGO Art products that will allow you to create stunning works of pop art. Each set costs $120, and includes a canvas, build guide booklet, and all the bead-like pieces you’ll need to assemble such iconic subjects as…

Marilyn Monroe

Darth Vader

(Lego)

The Beatles

(Lego)

and Iron Man!

(Lego)

Some sets allow you to make multiple pieces of art. For example, you can make various versions of Iron Man’s suit, while the Sith kit shows you how to make Darth Vader, Darth Maul, and Kylo Ren.

(Lego)

And it gets better! Also included in each set is a unique QR code that, when scanned, provides you with a soundtrack you can listen to while you build. You can also combine canvasses to make even bigger, beadier, more badass pieces pop art to hang in your living space. The sets are expected to hit toy shelves on August 1st internationally and September 1st in the United States.

Your move, Mega Bloks!

Drink the Rainbow, Skittles and Trix Beer Is Here

Twix and Skittles Beer
(Pontoon Brewing/The Sprayberry Bottle Shop)

Beer: It’s what’s for breakfast. We’ve already showcased Lucky Charms beer and one with Fruity Pebbles in it. Well, the hits keep on coming. Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Homer asks Apu for some Skittlebrau, a fake beer he imagined with candy floating in it?

Well, Homer’s dream has finally been actualized some twenty-odd years later. This month, the Pontoon Brewery in Sandy Springs, Georgia is bringing back its sweetest concoction: Rainbow Smiggles, a Berliner Weisse made with both Trix and Skittles, as well as strawberries, pineapple, vanilla. Also lactose, the sugar found in milk, to really nail down the illusion you’re getting loaded on cereal.

(Pontoon Brewing)

Pontoon Brewery has teamed up with The Sprayberry Bottle Shop to bring us this German sour which, once in the mixer, is infused with 500 pounds of Skittles and more than 100 boxes of Trix cereal.

We’ve seen more than our fair share of novelty beer labels in the last year. DuClaw Brewing Company released one based on the dad bod. More recently, Sheetz, a popular Pennsylvanian restaurant/convenience store, knocked it out of the park with their craft brew made from hot dogs. But, we gotta say, these Rainbow Smiggles are truly something to behold.

(Pontoon Brewing)

Head brewer Chris Baratz told Thrillist that Pontoon Brewing is committed to bringing craft beer enthusiasts exciting new flavors month after month. “We like to push the limits and go to extremes to keep the brewers and customers excited about each new sour.”

The last round sold out within 45 minutes at a small, in-brewery launch, so they made way more Rainbow Smiggles this summer. It is now available for pre-order right here on CraftCellr! Drink responsibly, silly rabbit.

Your Weekly Good News & Cute Stuff Brain Reset: Vol. 3

(Getty / Emerson Brooks / EyeEm)

Another week of the pandemic in the books, another fingernail ravaged. These are tense, uncertain times we live, and it’s of the utmost importance we’re doing routine maintenance on our mental and emotional well-being. That’s why each week, we like to round up all the good news, comforting facts, and pink puppy bellies we can find to offer as a reminder that there’s so much in life worth hanging around for.

Consider it your weekly brain reset. Clearing your brain’s recent browser history. An emotional palate cleanser, if you will.

Here… we… go…

Did you see the Reddit thread where everyone shared the most comforting fact they knew? Some of the most comforting include the fact that crows and ravens LOVE playing in the snow…

…blood donors in Sweden and Australia get text alerts when their blood is used to help someone…

…and all the sweaters Mr. Roger’s wore on camera were knitted by his dear mother!

Did you see this dad who’s been writing eye roll-worthy dad jokes on a white board for everyone to see? Thank goodness for dudes like him!

Hey! Did you see this Twitter thread of precious baby animals? Because I’ve already went back for seconds!

Did you hear we’re getting an 11th season of Curb Your Enthusiasm! Prett-ay, prett-ay, prett-ay good!

Oh, and Beavis & Butt-head is coming back also! And they’re dads! Which means they finally scored! 

Need even more stuff to look forward to? Try this on for size: a Transformer made out of the DeLorean from Back to the Future. And they named it GIGAWATT. I know what I want for my next birthday!

(Hasbro)

And just for good measure, one more comforting fact from Reddit!

 

Aaaaaaand done. How do you feel? Re-calibrated? Hopefully, that was a nice breather from your regularly scheduled line graph-induced worry sesh. It’s healthy to periodically clean out the anxiety gunk and depression residue from your brain, so we hope this gave you a few reasons to smile and a few things to look forward to.

Stay safe and healthy, and remember: eight glasses of water means eight glasses of water!