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The Dad

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The Funniest Tweets From Jimmy Fallon’s Call for #DadQuotes

By The Dad
(Getty/10'000 Hours)

This week, in honor of Father’s Day, Jimmy Fallon asked Twitter to post their favorite #DadQuotes. It’s become clear to us that our fathers are not simply fathers.

They’re geniuses.


Well, sometimes.


They’re casanovas.


Teachers.

One-man bands.

Comedians.

Fans of the classics.

Academics.

Optimists.

Tastemakers.

Makers of fair points.

Devotees.

Poets.

Realists.

And, eventually, granddads.

Tweet Roundup: The 15 Funniest Tweets About Father’s Day

By The Dad
(Getty/Towfiqu Photography)

Father’s Day is finally upon us, and there’s no greater gift than laughter. Well, maybe one of those electric rotating tie racks. Ooh, or one of those pressure cookers. Most massage chairs, come to think of it. Okay fine, so laughter might not be the best Father’s Day gift, but it’s certainly the most inexpensive. Honor this annual celebration of paternity with these 15 hilarious tweets about the holiday.

First, a disclaimer:

It’s important to remember the true meaning of the day.

There are many ways to celebrate it. You could call your dad.

But you don’t get internet points for that.


Perhaps you can start his day with a hearty breakfast.


Followed by a road trip to his favorite place.

Just remember: all dads are different.

This is a holiday steeped in tradition. Some good…

…some not so good.

So it all comes down to the perfect gift.


Think hard on what your dad is passionate about.


It doesn’t have to be a gift you can wrap!


Just make sure you send the right message.

Dads never forget their Father’s Day gifts.

So be sure to make it a special one!

Baby Tries to Scare Dad When Cutting Her Nails

By The Dad

Dad Grades: George McFly From Back To The Future

By The Dad
(Universal)

The question crosses all of our minds at some point: what were our dads like in high school? Would we have been friends with him? Or perhaps enemies? Could we, should the situation to present itself, play Cupid with our parents, while simultaneously rebuffing advances from our moms? In this edition of Dad Grades, we take a look at George McFly from Back to the Future.

Because this movie deals with time travel, there are three versions of George McFly we must take into consideration.

Loser 1985 George

(Universal Pictures)

1955 George

(Universal Pictures)

And last but not least, Cool 1985 George.

(Universal Pictures)

STRENGTHS

It’s established in the first act of the movie that Loser 1985 George is a total dud; his misery the prime objective of a lifelong bully named Biff Tannen.



So it’s not easy to wring the strengths out of a character whose whole “thing” is weakness. Double so for 1955 George, seen here helping a classmate with a reading assignment.

So where then does his strength lie? Why, none other than Timeline #2, of course, set in motion by the punch heard ’round Hill Valley.


It’s hard to say how George’s newfound confidence played out over those next three decades. We only get a glimpse of Cool 1985 George in the movie’s epilogue, when Marty realizes he butterfly-effected himself hotter parents.

(Universal Pictures)

His high school bully now relegated to a lifetime of indentured servitude, we finally get to see George’s one strength: he is a published author. Pretty cool thing to be able to say about your dad, in our book.

(Speaking of which, we too have a book.)

WEAKNESSES

George and his wife, high school sweetheart Lorraine, have three grown kids: Dave, Linda, and Marty, seen here disappearing from existence.

George’s relationship with the three seems… fatigued? His involvement in their lives feels as if it’s all dismissed as routine: apologize to Marty for being a pushover, bid farewell to Dave as he leaves for his shift at Burger King, entertain Linda’s boy troubles, laugh at The Honeymooners.

Seriously, George’s family is so lethargic that not even a cake celebrating a family member’s release from prison can curb the monotony of dinner time.

(Universal Pictures)

Come on, dude. It’s 1985. Calvin and Hobbes just made its debut. Freddie Mercury just crushed it at Live Aid. Seriously, how can your family be this glum now that New Coke is available?

VERDICT

This one’s tough. In the history of Dad Grades, we’ve never had a father-son duo who are, for most of the story, in the same grade. We’ve also never had to critique three versions of one dad in the context of two timelines. It sounds impossible but, as a wise man once said:

“If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.”

– George McFly, not realizing he’s just
repeating advice his son gave to him 
after accidentally traveling back in time

 

1955 GEORGE FINAL GRADE: C+
LOSER 1985 GEORGE FINAL GRADE: N/A
COOL 1985 GEORGE FINAL GRADE: B

Check out our previous edition when we graded Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers flicks.

Dad and Baby ‘Discuss’ TV Show Finale

By The Dad

Dad Reading Father’s Day Card Skeptical of Baby’s Involvement

By The Dad
(Getty/SbytovaMN)

Citing its lack of motor skills and cognitive faculties, new dad Colin Schmidt was skeptical of his newborn baby’s involvement in a recent Father’s Day card.

“How could this possibly be from my wife AND a three-month-old?” asked an incredulous Schmidt, pointing to the handwritten message inside reading “From Beth & Liam.”

“I’m guessing somewhere between throwing up and soiling himself he found the competency required to go splitsies on a greeting card? Give me a break.”

The card, Schmidt tells us, features a picture of Yoda along with the text “A HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, YOU HAVE,” despite his infant son’s utter unfamiliarity with Star Wars, the speech patterns of its characters, and the concept of a holiday.

“This is my wife’s handwriting, no question there,” Schmidt said, analyzing the signature. “I’m just hesitant to believe this was a team effort, considering one of them has no object permanence.”

Schmidt says he’s looking forward to his next Father’s Day, which will be spent wondering just how in the hell an unemployed one-year-old chips in for a necktie.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

New Dad Can’t Believe Father’s Day Falls on Mother-in-Law’s Birthday

By The Dad
(Getty/Plume Creative)

GLENDALE, CA – Referring to the coincidence as an exercise in unfairness, new dad Chase Carmichael was saddened this week to learn that his first Father’s Day will fall on his mother-in-law’s birthday.

Carmichael, who became a father in March, told he’s excited to see what his first Father’s Day as a dad has in store, be it breakfast in bed, a new set of golf clubs, or potentially sharing the spotlight in his wife’s Instagram posts.

The mother-in-law, Helen, hosts a karaoke bash every year on her birthday, even if it coincides with the observance of a newfound paternal bond, Carmichael informed us.

“It’s fine,” he continued through gritted teeth. “Was thinking maybe we could spend the day doing exclusively Father’s Day things, it being my first. But I guess you only turn 56 once.”

Father’s Day, as designated by President Johnson in 1966, falls each year on the third Sunday of June, regardless of its concurrence with a half-dozen old women vocalizing the horns in “Sweet Caroline” over mojitos.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

“Now THIS is Music!” Proclaims Dad Listening to Terrible Music

By The Dad
(Getty/Geber86)

Incorrectly identifying the song as “a classic,” local dad Gerald Coffey turned heads this week after matter-of-factly stating, “Now THIS is music!” while listening to terrible music.

Family members grew concerned when a seemingly confused Coffey cranked the volume knob on their car radio and announced, “This is my jam,” to a song no one with functioning eardrums would possibly designate as their jam.

“They just don’t make tunes like this anymore,” Coffey mistook, dismissing decades of innovation to hum along with the unmitigated mediocrity of his youth.

“Man, this rocks so hard,” he continued in error while throwing up a shamefully undeserved set of devil horns.

Coffey says he’s looking forward to their next stoplight, hoping he can bust out the air guitar in time for the song’s shitty, uninspired solo.

“Real face-melter coming up,” he overstated.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

 

 

Tweet Roundup: The 15 Funniest Tweets About Mowing

By The Dad
(Getty/Karan Kapoor)

The snow has melted. The grass has returned. Time to show it who’s boss. Pop off that shirt and green up those New Balances, because we’ve got the 15 funniest tweets to pull-start your mowing season.

Mowing. Need we say more?

Every dad loves it.

It’s a way to demonstrate power within the community.

And within the family dynamic.

Seriously, dads just experience it differently.


So if you’re not a dad, stay in your lane.


At least until we figure something out.


Really, we appreciate your enthusiasm.

Owning a lawn mower is big responsibility.

Maintaining your lawn is an even bigger one.

You’re gonna get some nasty stares.

Not everyone will be a fan of the craft.


But respect has to be earned.


Earn it while you can.

And finally, a pun.

Dad Grades: Dr. Evil

By The Dad
(New Line Cinema)

We’ll admit, reading the Dad Grades for a guy named Dr. Evil is a bit like reading a food review column for a restaurant named Our Chef Has The Flu. You’re well aware a failing grade is at the end of this. So why read it? We’ll tell you why. Our column has Seth Green in it. This is the Dad Grades for Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers franchise.

STRENGTHS

Much like that restaurant with the sick chef from earlier, Dr. Evil’s strengths are a hard sell. No matter how many tussles of the hair he doles out, no matter how many school plays he shows up to, no matter how many father-son fishing trips he may plan. None of that really matters when your whole thing is “look how evil I am.”

Nevertheless, we find it’s best to seek the silver lining in all things. So we’d be remiss to not point out that, at the end of the day, Dr. Evil embodies that Goofy Dad spirit we’re so eager to encourage.

Here he is trying to win his son’s affection with an impromptu Macarena.

And lest we forget all the ingenious methods he has for telling his child to be quiet. There’s The Shh, a time-tested classic:


The Zip It:

And, our personal favorite, The Scotty Don’t. This one will only work for some kids.

A hush-up hat trick if we’ve ever seen one.

Also, according to Austin Powers in Goldmember, he does a pretty good job accepting gifts from his kid. Perhaps Dr. Evil might not have reacted this way had his son Scott presented him with, say, a picture frame with macaroni glued to it, yes. And we’re sure you weren’t totally insincere in your enthusiasm for the assault on grammar that was your last Father’s Day card. But come on.

Parenting tip: treat every gift your kid gives you as if it were sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

WEAKNESSES

We’ve had quite the streak of irredeemably horrible dads in recent months. From Tywin Lannister, to Thanos, to Darth Vader, cinema has no shortage of despicable fathers for us to put through the wringer here on Dad Grades.

But Dr. Evil is in his own class of unfit. His son, Scott, is a fairly normal young man with no aspirations of living up to his surname. Over the course of three films we see him try and fail to gain the approval of his estranged father. But, as Dr. Evil himself stated on Jerry Springer, Scott’s just never been quite evil enough.

This is a truly abhorrent thing to wish of your child. Time and time again we’ve made clear that it’s never okay to push your kids into hobbies in which they show an active disinterest, be it ballet or world domination. This “never enough” mindset crushes a kid’s self-esteem, breeding detachment.

Dr. Evil only furthers the emotional distance between him and his son after successfully cloning a miniature version of himself. Mini-Me functions as the evil son Dr. Evil never had and, naturally, tensions rise between him and Scott.

(New Line Cinema)

Mini-Me’s existence is particularly cruel in that it removes all doubt from a question that’s plagued siblings since the beginning of time: am I the least favorite? This is easy to answer when your only sibling looks exactly like a 2-foot-8 version of your dad. You may be Dr. Evil’s biological son, Scott, but your new brother is his actual biology.


This sort of “am I enough?” mindset can damage a kid’s self-esteem, causing feelings of isolation, detachment, and resentment. Just look at the sort of pressure he puts on this poor kid.

Scott: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I’d be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?

We at The Dad are strong proponents of letting children grow into who they want to be. If the only interest you show in your child involves ushering them into a family business, of course, they’re gonna challenge you at every turn. Especially if you name your big evil plan The Alan Parsons Project.

Or Preparation H.

VERDICT

Dr. Evil has a complicated relationship with his son. He was frozen for all of Scott’s childhood, and any transition back into fatherhood, let alone warmth, is going to be a rocky one. However, he is quite resolute in his mission to wreak havoc on a global scale, and we can’t see any father-son camping trips getting in the way of that.

But we’ll award bonus points just because it’s fun to imagine getting picked up from school in this.

(New Line Cinema)

FINAL GRADE: D

Check out our previous edition when we graded another supervillain named Darth.

Dad Buys Kid Toy Mower to Teach Valuable Skill of Avoiding Family

By The Dad
(Getty/sbuden)

FILBERT, MI — Local dad Alex McCarty purchased his son a toy push mower this week, claiming it would instill in him a strong work ethic and teach him the value of some goddamn peace around here.

The Teeny Tots My First Lawnmower, complete with pull cord and popping beads, is a good primer for any future chores, McCarthy says, particularly ones that afford you the luxury drowning out your irritating family with an opaquely loud mower engine for an hour.

“It makes me proud, seeing him come outside to mimic the same daddy-work I partake in to avoid him and the others, even for a couple minutes,” he adds. “They’re never too young to learn such practical life skills.”

Included with the plastic mower is a removable gas can and tethered cap, which will allow his son to pretend like he’s filling up the tank and not savoring those sweet, fleeting moments of solitude he’ll some day take for granted.

Other recent purchases by McCarthy include a potty training toilet, which he hopes will teach his son all he needs to know about hiding.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Grades: Darth Vader

By The Dad
(20th Century Fox)

If haven’t seen the original Star Wars trilogy, major spoiler alert:

Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia’s father. Also, what’s your deal? It’s one of the most beloved media franchises in history and you don’t even have to stand up to rent movies anymore. 

Anyway, in the spirit of Star Wars Day, we present to you the Dad Grades for Darth Vader.

(20th Century Fox)

Note: This Dad Grades will only take into account the three original films. No prequels, no sequel trilogy, no novels, no comics, no lunch trays. The Star Wars universe is far too expansive to consider how Anakin Skywalker’s story arc in 1993’s The Truce at Bakura may have shaped his approach to diaper changing. 

STRENGTHS

Darth Vader was many things. A father. A foe. A fashion icon. But we often forget that fourth thing he was: a business owner. Vader employed roughly 1.1 billion stormtroopers alone and oversaw the operations of 25,000 Star Destroyers. “Married to his work” would be an understatement.

Touching base with employees on Bring Your Daughter To Work Day. (20th Century Fox)

In any other other edition of Dad Grades, over-commitment to one’s career would be disqualifying. But despite all that midnight oil clearly being burned—long days at the office supervising Jedi purges and hammering out the logistics of space-wide oppression—he still made strides to remain active in his son’s life.

(20th Century Fox)

Sure, the circumstances under which he seeks involvement are suspect. Coasting through space, eradicating life one planet at a time. This may not sound like your ideal father-son dynamic. But having catch in the backyard, building pinewood derby cars— bonding rituals of the dad who doesn’t have access to galactic superweapons.

“Luke, we can destroy the emperor… Join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.”

There was also a sweet moment near the end of Return of the Jedi when Vader throws Emperor Palpatine down a reactor shaft, getting electrocuted in the process, effectively sacrificing himself to save Luke. In his final moments, he asks Luke to remove his helmet, so that he can get one final good look at his boy.

No, you’re crying.

WEAKNESSES

Vader’s big reveal to Luke, that they are father and son, is done with little if any tact. Reconnecting with your estranged father member should be, by all accounts, heartwarming. Expressing forgiveness, recouping decades of missed hugs. A moment of reconciliation worthy of Ellen.

But no. This dude indulges his son in a lightsaber duel.

And cuts off his hand.

Then, in his son’s most vulnerable, handless moment, Vader reveals that it was from his own villainous balls from which Luke swam. There’s bad timing, then there’s this.

(20th Century Fox)

Seems like the sort of thing he could’ve revealed moments earlier, precluding the lightsaber duel. Had the issue been approached with the pageantry and enthusiasm of a gender reveal party, Luke might still have his real hand.

We also can’t condone how adamant Vader is about his son joining the family business. This would be poor form even for a dad who owned a used car dealership, let alone one whose line of work involves boundless celestial genocide.

VERDICT

While one of cinema’s greatest characters, villain or otherwise, Darth Vader is a truly terrible father to Luke. Abandonment is never okay, regardless of how well you pull of a cape. Remember: Any guy can be a No, I Am Your Father. But it takes a real man to be a No, I Am Your Dad.

We’ll award bonus points, however, simply for the fact he has the most badass intro music of all time.


FINAL GRADE: D+

“Wait a sec,” you’re probably itching to comment. “You didn’t expound on his relationship with Princess Leia, who is also his kid.” Don’t worry. This is a Star Wars Dad Grades. We’d be remiss if we didn’t hit you with a sequel.

Check out our previous edition when we graded another supervillain named Thanos.

Tweet Roundup: The 14 Funniest Tweets From Dads Who Love Star Wars

By The Dad
(20th Century Fox)

The only thing better than discovering Star Wars as a kid? Growing up, having a litter of your own, and watching their little eyes widen when they see a light saber vvvyum for the first time. In celebration of Star Wars Day, here are the funniest tweets from dads who love the saga.

You’re never too old to love Star Wars!

It’s got one of cinema’s most iconic dads.


Certainly its most evil.


But you’re a good dad! You’re introducing your kid to Star Wars!


Try not to get too excited.


There are some questions to consider.

Some big, important questions.

Like, really think about this one.

Give the films room to breathe if need be.

Otherwise, they’re sure to be hooked!


Just make sure they’re into it for the right reasons!


If they like it, you’re gonna want to carefully nurture this fandom.


If they dislike it, well, surely there’s something else out there for them.


The paternity test is conclusive.