From Van Wilder to Deadpool to Pikachu, there’s no role to which Ryan Reynolds can’t adapt. Parenthood is no exception. His Twitter is a goldmine of fatherly wisdom, and we’ve collected his 15 funniest dad tweets to prove it.
He reads to his kid.
No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) August 7, 2016
He keeps her in check.
The mobile above my daughter’s crib is just a whole bunch of NuvaRings. So she remembers how lucky she is.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 20, 2016
I can‘t tell if my daughter’s smashing plates all over the kitchen floor or singing the theme song to Paw Patrol.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 27, 2018
He makes sacrifices.
Happy birthday to my baby girl! Sad I lost my virginity. But thankful I have a daughter.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) December 16, 2015
He’s a teacher.
I’m teaching my daughter that the sun goes down each night because it’s mad at her. Probably gonna write a book on parenting at some point.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 5, 2015
He demonstrates trust.
Totally caved and tossed my daughter the keys to the car. She looked really happy as they bounced off her tiny infant face.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 12, 2016
He’s a great storyteller.
Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017
He has an answer for everything.
On our 6am walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting daddy’s freedom.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 16, 2016
He rolls with the punches.
My daughter just sneezed into my yawning mouth. Seemed really fucking pleased with herself. Joke’s on her. She’ll have to bury me someday.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) April 16, 2016
He is selfless.
I watched Frozen without my two year old this morning. Despair reveals itself in many forms.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) November 9, 2016
He remembers the little things.
My daughter loves being buried up to her neck in sand at the beach. Her little face lights up when I come back to get her the next day.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 16, 2017
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) July 22, 2016
Being a Dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy-bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 18, 2017
If my daughter proves she can take care of the Fire Ants I got her, we’ll get her the damn kitten.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 3, 2018
He’s… well. He’s Ryan Reynolds.
Being a father means responsibility. Not just for your main family, but also the secret one in Denmark nobody knows about.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 19, 2016
Everyone loves Thanksgiving. Stuffing. Football. Kids table gossip. Pass that gravy and undo that belt, because we’ve got 16 hilarious tweets to usher in the holiday season.
First, remember the reason for the season.
Thanksgiving is by far the best Holiday we have that centers around breadcrumbs in a dead turkey’s asshole.
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) November 22, 2015
Make it a priority to be punctual.
Just a reminder from a dad, if you plan on traveling for Thanksgiving you should probably head to the airport today.
— Soren Bowie (@Soren_Ltd) November 10, 2017
If you can’t, lie.
*shows up at Thanksgiving dinner a half hour late holding Starbucks and a Big Mac* sorry traffic
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 26, 2015
Thanksgiving is all about patience.
Me looking at the Mac n cheese bake on Thanksgiving pic.twitter.com/ucAJ9h3XfK
— B (@beyholl) November 13, 2018
Patience of all kinds.
I don’t start my holiday shopping until after Thanksgiving when I find out which family members I am still on good terms with.
— Abbi Thanksgiving Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 25, 2015
But you gotta admit, it’s good to be home.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone visiting their parents. pic.twitter.com/hRxI5EyssU
— Christian Duguay (@christianduguay) November 28, 2014
Shoutout to those doing the cooking.
I love Thanksgiving. Can’t wait to slave for hours over a meal my kids will rudely reject in front of relatives who are judging my parenting
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 16, 2016
No matter what you’re making.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) November 15, 2016
All your hard work will ultimately go unappreciated.
Who’s excited to watch their kid eat one roll and 8 black olives for Thanksgiving dinner?
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 20, 2017
So don’t be afraid to put your heart into it.
The secret ingredient to my green bean casserole is taking my shirt off when I bake it
— RowdysMagicalThinking (@rowdyforsheriff) November 19, 2018
When dinner starts, establish dominance right away.
stand up at the Thanksgiving table and whisper to the turkey “Hey Glen, sorry but I warned you not to fuck with me…” then sit back down
— Rob Huebel (@robhuebel) November 25, 2014
Do a quick check for quality control.
If the cranberry sauce isn’t shaped like the can it came in, get it the hell off my thanksgiving table.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) November 26, 2015
When dinner is over, kick back.
My favorite thing about Thanksgiving is watching someone else do the dishes.
— Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) November 20, 2017
Maybe check out the parade.
Nothing like Thanksgiving with family to remind you how great it is to watch TV alone.
— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk) November 26, 2015
Or go around give thanks.
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 20, 2018
And don’t forget: be mindful of your food intake.
Stay in shape this Thanksgiving by running away every time you see someone you went to high school with.
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) November 27, 2014
What’s your favorite part of November? The cranberry sauce? The tryptophan comas? The unchecked consumerism? Ours is candles. There’s something so simple, so unassuming, so blissfully archaic about the flickering flame of a candle. But vanilla bean? Blueberry cobbler? Sandalwood? It’s been done.
Here are 13 candle scents we would love to see hit shelves in the near future.