The tangled web of decorating a tree.
Rob has a little too much fun when he gets a night to himself. Also, actor John C. Reilly joins Paternity Leave for another “Celebrity Bedtime Stories.
Taking your teenage son on a cross-country fishing trip is tough enough as it sounds. We can’t imagine it’s any easier when you’re both anthropomorphic dogs. In this edition of Dad Grades, we take a look at Goofy from A Goofy Movie.
Ask enough people who love their dad why and you’re bound to hear the adjective “goofy” at some point. There’s a reason. That thin line between lame and endearing is where all the dad jokes live. Silly voices. Novelty grill aprons. We at The Dad encourage this yes-nonsense approach to parenting.
Dads don’t get much goofier than, well, Goofy. His hormonal son Max has mastered the eye-roll, quick to dismiss his father’s boisterous, happy-go-lucky demeanor at every ah-hyuck. Get over it, kid. If your dad’s name is Goofy you don’t get to act surprised when you find yourself at a place called Lester’s Possum Park.
It’s tough to find fault in such a kindhearted, jovial character like Goofy. If there’s one thing we feel he could dial back a bit, it’s that he can often be quite invasive and overbearing, however well-meaning. The movie begins with Goofy bursting into Max’s room without knocking: a roll of the dice for any parent with a teenage boy.
The story then hinges on a father-son fishing trip that -son really, really doesn’t want to partake in.
Now, we’re not saying give your child free reign to do whatever they want, whenever they want. But c’mon, Goof. It’s the first day of summer vacation. Your boy’s smitten with a classmate named Roxanne and anyone who’s anybody will be attending her Powerline concert viewing party. The fish will still be there come mid-July.
Involved. Perpetually cheerful. Willing to evade venue security in an attempt to get your kid on stage with his favorite pop singer just to impress a girl he likes. Goofy is the type of dad we should all aspire to be more like.
FINAL GRADE: A
Check out our previous edition where we graded Al Bundy from Married… With Children!
Do you love attic dust? Or maybe gluing ceramic nativity scenes back together? How about the thrill of untangling headphones but hate when that moment afterwards when they work? Decorating for Christmas may be right for you!
Before you start, keep in mind you’ll be doing this again next year…
Now is when the half-assed job I did packing away the Christmas decorations last year finally starts paying off!
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 20, 2013
…so don’t be afraid to cut corners…
Christmas decorating tip: if you put tinsel in a snowblower you can decorate your whole house in seconds.
— Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) December 22, 2014
…or splurge a little.
Inflatable lawn decorations are a great way to tell the world you hate having money.
— Shira (@shiraselko) December 29, 2011
Remember: the more lights, the better!
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) November 27, 2016
The most important decoration will be your tree.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) December 25, 2014
Ornaments come in all varieties to choose from.
My wife bought a bunch of Christmas ornaments covered with glitter. I’m going to try to make the relationship work for the children.
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 30, 2013
But don’t get too creative.
Decorating our Christmas tree entirely in Truck Nutz was funny for about 3 minutes, but it cost $760 and now the kids won’t get presents.
— One-Horse Open Ray (@SirEviscerate) December 20, 2015
Tree decorating is a great way to bond with the kids…
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 1, 2018
…but remember: your roof, your rules.
ME AT 8 YEARS OLD: can i put the star on the christmas tree
DAD: [thinks this means hes no longer the man of the house] bullshit
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 13, 2015
Once Christmas is over, everything changes.
December 31st: “Look at my beautiful Christmas tree!” January 1st: “Get this disgusting fucking thing out of my house!”
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) December 29, 2014
There will be nothing fun about taking those lights down…
Decorating for Christmas would be so much more fun if I could stop thinking about how un-fun it’s gonna be to un-decorate.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) November 30, 2016
…or disposing of that tree…
*takes Christmas tree back to woods*
Go on, get out of here!
*starts to cry*
Go on, you big dummy! Go home!
I said go!!!
— Tim Martin (@timmartinwhy) December 29, 2014
…so lend a helping hand when possible.
Finally took down the Christmas decorations from my neighbor’s house.
— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) December 22, 2012
Is that “he sees you when you’re sleeping” warning just no longer cutting it? Ready to cultivate an atmosphere in your home on par with a Chucky movie? Elf on the Shelf may be right for you! Just check out what these folks have to say!
A wonderful invention!
Good morning. Happy December to everyone except for the person who invented Elf on the Shelf.
— The Dad (@thedad) December 1, 2018
Fun for parents and kids alike!
I scrawl the first black X with a Sharpie on a calendar like a prisoner counting down his sentence
Elf on a Shelf, Day 1, done
— Z🎄CK (@Mr_Kapowski) December 1, 2016
Everyone’s doing it!
5-year-old: How come Elf on the Shelf is at other people's houses but not ours?
Me: We have better locks.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
Not psychologically scarring probably!
Run out of terrifying, malicious lies to tell your children? Elf On The Shelf can help.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) December 4, 2013
Some people think Elf on the Shelf creates a harmful environment of fear, but I think it's a great way to teach children about the NSA.
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) December 18, 2015
Works great with other weird lies!
Why put an Elf on the Shelf when you can just tell your kids that Santa's wolves are under their bed & will eat them if they're bad?
— denise (@Stellacopter) November 24, 2012
Starts working before you take it out of the box!
Yeah, we do Elf on the Shelf. He’s on the store shelf where he’s been every other year, and he can stay there.
— Life📌UɴPιɴтereѕтιɴɢ (@LifeUnPinterest) December 1, 2017
The holidays should be about paralyzing fear!
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
— Blake 🔴 x ∞ (@dksc4life) December 7, 2017
Christmas should feel like a George Orwell book!
Kids saw right through "Elf on the Shelf," so I installed the Unblinking Eye of the Christmas God.
— Calm Tomb (@CalmTomb) November 16, 2013
Don’t forget to share a photo of yours on social media!
Parents, it's called Elf on the Shelf, not Elf on the Zipline Made of Licorice That Ends in a Punchbowl Full of Mini Marshmallows, you assholes.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 2, 2017
Store probably after the holidays!
Elf on the Shelf Placement Ideas
• bottom of a trashcan
• inside a lit fireplace
• in a hole dug in the yard
• left unpurchased in the store
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) December 4, 2017
Ever seen a parent drown in their baby’s drool?
Most dads see fatherhood as life-changing for the better; a commitment grounded in love, self-sacrifice, and understanding. This is not one of those dads. In this edition of Dad Grades, we’ll take a look at Al Bundy from Married… With Children.
We’ll cut right to the chase here: Al Bundy is a disgruntled dad who claims he doesn’t really like his family. He provides for them (sort of) and in one episode admits he “kind of likes” them, even if his unceasing barrage of insults and jaded one-liners suggests anything but.
However, in rare moments of vulnerability, his affection for his kids will shine through. Sometimes his ditzy daughter, Kelly, brings home boyfriends of questionable character. Al is never impressed and he’s not afraid to let these “gentlemen” know it. Suffice to say he’s very protective of his Pumpkin.
He also a boy named Bud. Despite wishing he’d been blessed with a more athletic son, Al often praises Bud for being the much, much, much more intelligent of his two children. This encouragement cultivates with Bud becoming the first Bundy to graduate from college. Not bad for a kid Al once called him “Mommy’s second little joke on me.”
Ask any dad what their most crowning achievement in life is. Inevitably, they’ll say something like “marrying my best friend” or “raising three beautiful children.” For Al Bundy, it’s the 1966 High School City football championship. There, as fullback for the Polk High Panthers, he scored four touchdowns against Andrew Johnson High in a single game.
He mentions this constantly. And we mean constantly. Regaling the kids with your own personal 30 for 30s can be the finest thing a father can do, but only if done sparingly. No one can stand the dad incapable of leaving his glory days of high school in the decade they occurred. Imagine if every time a car was mentioned, your dad brought up the Camaro he owned in 1986. Pretty annoying, huh? Move on, Al.
Although something like 80% of all Al Bundy quotes contain vicious insults directed at his wife and children, we think he genuinely cares for them. The man makes less than minimum wage working at a shoe store, tending to the crusty feet of customers he can’t stand, all to put what little food he can on their table. Now that, friends, is devotion.
FINAL GRADE: B+
Check out our previous edition of Dad Grades: Hank Hill from King of the Hill!
Wait, it’s a robot that farts?! I’ll take two!