1983 was some year. Mario Bros made its debut at an arcade in Japan. Motorola made mobile phones available to the general public. And all across America, moviegoers were busting guts and slapping knees at the idea of a man doing… l-l-l-laundry?!? Welcome to Dad Grades for Jack Butler from Mr. Mom.

STRENGTHS

We feel it’s important to judge Michael Keaton’s character within the context of his time. The movie’s premise is rooted in the antiquated, quite sexist notion that women, not men, should treat home as a natural domain. It’s worth noting that John Hughes wrote this movie in the thick of a downturned economy, as more and more women shook the shackles of traditional gender roles and entered the workforce.

With that in mind..

WOW!

Check out this Super Dad! Grocery shopping? Don’t mind if he does.

Vacuuming? Good heavens. That’s incredible, and certainly not the lowest possible bar that could be set.

You may be thinking to yourself, “Hey now, grocery shopping AND vacuuming? This is just one guy, right? Surely no one man could wield such maternalistic aptitude.”

I hope you’re sitting down. He also gives them a bath.

The stay-at-home dad was virtually unheard of in 1983, making the character of Jack Butler quite difficult to assess fairly. Thirty-some years later, stay-at-home dads are commonplace, and no clean dishes, folded laundry, or braided daughter hair should conjure the feelings of emasculation that Mr. Mom mines for laughs.

Wait, did we mention he changes a diaper? Amazing. Every other dad is competing for bronze at this point.

 

WEAKNESSES

It’s difficult to pinpoint the weaknesses in Jack Butler. The movie itself is built on domestic incompetency; Jack does not possess the rudimentary parenting skills of a dude whose wife works. The man is a brilliant engineer, but a disastrously inept stay-at-home father.

Picking him apart for flaws is pointless. The movie’s plot is his flaw. Look. Look at the way he’s warming up this grilled cheese.

We get that you’re trying, dude. We really do. But even your kid knows that’s not what an iron is for.

Worry not though – by the end of the movie Jack shapes up owns his role as the house spouse.

VERDICT

Obviously, no one is batting an eye at this behavior in this day and age. Oh, you shoulder the basic responsibilities of parenthood, rejecting the archaic, chauvinistic idea that your wife should be relegated to the position of homemaker? Cool. No one is hoisting you up on their shoulders for bare-minimum fatherhood in 2019, guy.

But in 1983, this shit was groundbreaking.

FINAL DAD GRADE: B+

Check out our previous edition when we graded Sonny Koufax from Big Daddy!

Like most humans, Rob has no idea what to do for Valentines Day. So he takes a little advice from his coworkers, friends, and about 20 different movie stars.

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Dad saves Valentine’s Day

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It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Do you know where your gifts are?

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Party time! Excellent?

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BOISE, ID – Displaying immense frustration while shooting a glare into the rearview mirror, local dad Randal Burns is threatening to turn the car around, seemingly unaware he’s in the process of taking his kids to the dentist.

“So help me God, I will make an illegal u-turn at this next light,” reports a visibly defeated Randal, pleading desperately with his oldest, eight-year-old Caleb, to stop kicking the back of his seat.

“We can keep going or we can go back home; completely up to you,” he warns his two children, apparently having lost sight of the big scary drills that await them both.

“Dad usually only threatens to turn the car around if we’re going somewhere fun,” says six-year-old Bethany Burns, who’d just wrapped up a particularly deafening round of My Sibling Keeps Looking At Me. “He knows we’re en route to a dentist, right? Not Disneyland?”

Scowling his face and tightening his grip on the steering wheel, Randal adds that he had considered the turnaround just moments into the trip when Caleb purposefully crumbled an entire granola bar onto the backseat floorboard.

“I made a mess and dad said he’d turn the car around,” Caleb recalls. “Not sure if he realizes how cool we’d be with that. Dentists are polling pretty low in the backseat here.”

Randal, as if oblivious to the universal fear of having needles in your mouth, says he’s totally fine with making this next exit their exit, adding he’d better see improved behavior on the way to church next week.

Do you love having your mouth sneezed into? Braving icy roads to buy ibuprofen? Falling victim to the deceit of a truant? By all means: become a parent. So kick back, holster that disinfectant, and enjoy these hilarious tweets about parenting sick kids.

Having an ill child is never fun.

Sometimes being a parent is so wonderful, words can’t describe it. Then your kid gets the stomach flu and those feelings go away.

— John Higley (@higley) November 15, 2013

So take victories where you can.

When you say “at least the kid got most of the vomit into the toilet this time” you know you’re having a really good day as a parent.

— Dan (@MilkmanDanimal) February 26, 2015

Sure, a sick kid comes in handy now and then.

A cool thing about having kids is that you can get out of doing stuff you don’t wanna do by telling people your kid is sick.

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) February 6, 2018

But it’s mostly just a lot of work.

One of the most rewarding moments you have as a parent is when you realize your kid is old enough to clean up his own puke.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 27, 2015

So before you let them stay home, make sure they’re actually sick.

Questions to determine if your child is faking illness:
-does he have a test at school
-does he have an enemy at school
-does he have school

— TheAlexNevil, Expert Snorer (@TheAlexNevil) March 31, 2016

It’s pretty easy to spot a faker.

My 8-year-old doesn’t understand that “I feel sick.” loses all credibility when preceded by “Is there school tomorrow?”

— Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) March 21, 2016

But they’re sure to put a few past you.

When you let your kid stay home sick and then he makes a miraculous recovery 10 minutes after the bus drives by pic.twitter.com/q7vfgx1zSJ

— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 29, 2017

If they’re truly sick, congrats. Now you are too.

No matter how difficult parenting gets, the joy of having a sick toddler cough in your face makes it all worth it.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 14, 2017

Because that kid of yours is a walking germ farm.

Congratulations on your baby. There’s a chance of being sick from now until your kid is at least 24.

— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) February 7, 2018

What’s that? A call from the school nurse?

Nothing is as terrifying as touching the pen in the elementary school office that parents use to check their kids out sick.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) August 28, 2018

Go ahead and call off work for the next week, pal.

Have kids so you can forever be trapped in the never-ending cycle of “finally getting over being sick” and “just starting to get sick again.”

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 18, 2018

We don’t care how hard you try to avoid it.

“My dear, sweet child. I’m so very sorry you’re sick.” I say, across the room wearing a surgical mask, while patting her with a 10 ft pole.

— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) February 22, 2016

So why not just chug that cough syrup and get in some quality time with your new gross zombie family.

Everyone in our family has been sick so long, we’ve stopped using words, and have created a language based entirely on coughs and sneezes.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 10, 2016

In a stylistic choice sure to generate buzz around the refrigerator, local kid, Melissa Hudson, 5, defied artistic convention by making her father the same size as their house in a recent drawing.

“It’s a bold take on traditional vantage points,” raved Melissa’s father, David Hudson, 33, who has the stature of a two-story house, from the looks of it.

“Notice here how she completely disregards antiquated concepts like size relationships between objects to give the illusion I’m five times taller than I actually am.”

David went on to point out the absence of a preliminary sketch, and explain how a fundamental misunderstanding of linear perspective made it possible for his daughter to depict him as being 30-feet tall.

“See this curly thing coming out of the chimney I assume is smoke?” he added. “An inferior artist with a more keen sense of visual proportionality would never allow that to be blowing in my face here.”

David also applauded Melissa’s creative decision in making him overweight and bald, as well as the avant-garde depiction of the sun, which in reality would benefit very little from wearing sunglasses.

We’re only a month into the new year and Twitter is already brimming with that fatherly humor we so desperately crave. Check out what these funny dads had to say about…

Sacrifices.

Welcome to parenting: You now get the bruised banana for the next 18 years

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 25, 2019

Object permanence.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 19, 2019

Pride.

Most things I scold my preschooler for saying are also things I secretly want to fist bump her for saying.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 6, 2019

Joy.

This – for those of you who wondered – is exactly what being woken by a three-year old at 5 am is like. pic.twitter.com/BQxz8Xf8ib

— Pádraig Belton (@PadraigBelton) January 5, 2019

Solidarity.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

— Dios es mi droga (@Lucky_Leftovers) January 5, 2019

Trust.

I used to gamble with money and now I gamble by letting a toddler feed himself yogurt. Either way I’m on a terrible losing streak.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 23, 2019

Mindfulness.

Think you’re ready for kids?

First, see how you handle doubling your grocery bill by buying a lot of snacks.

Still good? Ok, how does dumping half of them into the trash sound?

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 22, 2019

Perspective.

Betty White is still working at age 97 and I had to have a lie down after putting my socks on this morning.

— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) January 17, 2019

Listening.

My wife hates surprises, so I’m telling her tonight that she’s not getting anything for Valentine’s Day.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 25, 2019

First impressions.

Wife: Please, from now on just let me introduce our kids

Me: What’s wrong with how I do it?

[earlier at a party]

Me: This is my wife, Janet, and these are my seed

— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) January 25, 2019

Honesty.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 15, 2019

And finally, keeping the spark alive.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 5, 2019

In 1999, Adam Sandler starred as Sonny in the box office smash Big Daddy. In a desperate attempt to convince his ex-girlfriend he’s responsible, Sonny adopts a kid named Julian, played by Zack and Cody from The Suite Life Of Zack & Cody. How does Sonny do as a dad? Let’s take a look.

STRENGTHS

The secret to being a good dad is one word: attitude. Some guys huff and puff and kick dirt when presented with the duties of fatherhood. Other guys make the most of it and say, “Hell yeah! I get to do dad stuff!” Sonny Koufax is the latter.

Case in point: Scuba Sam. When Julian refuses to take a bath, Sonny dresses up as the father of Scuba Steve, Julian’s favorite toy. This proves to be more effective than simply yelling.

This deeply held attitude is on full display in the courtroom scene when Sonny fights tooth and nail for the custody of young Julian.

Sonny takes the stand and gets questioned by his own dad: a lawyer, gravely disappointed in his son, believing him to be the last guy on earth who should have a kid. Sonny manages to convince him and the judge otherwise, expressing an enthusiastic, gung ho approach to parenting.

“You can be scared that I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighborhood or break my legs skiing. But don’t be scared about me being a dad, because I will not fail,” he tells daddy Koufax.

This is the sort of determination we like to see in a dad.

WEAKNESSES

When we first meet Sonny, he is irresponsible, lazy, and anything but goal-oriented. When he’s not working one day a week as a toll booth operator, he’s either napping, lounging, or getting scolded by his dad for his unwillingness to take the bar exam.

Sure, he grows up by the end of the movie; but the immaturity and apathy initially weigh heavily on his parental instincts. When Julian spills milk or wets the bed, Sonny’s gut reaction is to cover up the messes with newspaper.

When he and Julian miss McDonald’s breakfast by a half hour, Sonny’s anger issues are front and center. We at The Dad would like to give a resounding “don’t do that” to yelling at service industry workers, especially in front of your children.

Sonny also loses points for the original motive behind this adoption. Do not, we repeat, DO NOT adopt a child to demonstrate maturity to an ex.

VERDICT

Despite his shaky start, Sonny Koufax proved himself to be a fully capable dad. Immature, yes; but we feel he’s exhibited an eagerness to grow. Could probably stand to be less lenient. Can’t say we recommend letting your kid pick their own names, especially if the name they run with is Frankenstein.

FINAL DAD GRADE: B-

Check out our previous edition when we graded Homer Simpson.

What’s the most important part of the game? The snacks

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