The Dad

Generic catch all for posts written by The Dad staff or Father Figures.

Remember The Suave Old Spice Guy? He’s an Embarrassing Dad Now

Old Spice Guy is a Dad
(YouTube/Old Spice)

It’s now been a full decade since we met The Man Your Man Could Smell Like. For the uninitiated, Old Spice body wash once made commercials showcasing actor, former wide receiver, and certified hunk Isaiah Mustafa.

The ads, utilizing single continuous shots and ingenious practical effects, featured a towel-wrapped Mustafa celebrating the full breadth of his manliness, be it through beachside horseback rides or graceful swan dives onto motorcycles submerged in hot tubs. You know. Guy shit.

Ten years later, Old Spice and Mustafa have reunited for a couple of ads in which the character has a son. As it turns out, even the smoothest, most fragrant of men are defenseless against the inherently lame disposition that comes with fatherhood.

In one ad, he shows up at his son’s basketball practice and doles out dad jokes the only way he knows how.

The embarrassment continues in “Office Visit,” when he logrolls nonchalantly into his son’s workplace to suggest he join the family business and recommend a coconut-scented body wash.

Fingers crossed for another series of ads in ten years, where we catch up with the world’s best-smelling grandpa.

Man Squirms And Screams While Getting Facial And Nose Hair Waxed

Dog Pretends To Faint While Getting Her Nails Trimmed

Dad’s Quick Reflexes Saves Son From Falling Off Bed

Man Opens Garage Door To Reveal Record-Breaking Snowfall

Little Boy Gives Cookies To His Favorite Garbage Men

Man Gives Hugs To Baby Goats

Toddler Amazingly Makes Five Baskets In A Row

15 Crazy Facts You Don’t Know About The Simpsons

15 Crazy Facts About The Simpsons
(20th Century Fox)

It’s hard to believe that The Simpsons just turned 30. Having persevered through scrunchies, MySpace, AND Kermit memes, America’s favorite nuclear family holds the distinction as the longest-running scripted show in history. Eat those shorts and bunga those cows, because we’ve got 15 things you may not know about this iconic cartoon.

1. Maggie’s price

(20th Century Fox)

When Maggie is scanned in the opening credits by a litigiously inattentive cashier, she rings up as $847.63. In 1989, when the sequence was created, this was how much it cost per month to raise a baby. Wow. 1989 was cheap. No wonder Taylor Swift devoted an album to it.

2. Bart’s locker combination

(20th Century Fox)

It’s 36-24-36. You may have heard these numbers in “Brick House” by the Commodores. Or “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC. Maybe “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot. It means what you think it does.

3. Some characters are named after streets

(Urban Nest Royalty)

Like Burnside Street, near Montgomery Park. And Lovejoy Street. And Van Houten Avenue. And Comic Book Guy Boulevard. Okay, we made that last one up.

4. God is the only character with five fingers

(20th Century Fox)

What a tragedy. The only guy with a middle finger and he’s probably never used it.

5. There’s a reason Homer and Krusty look alike

(20th Century Fox)

Originally, Krusty was supposed to just be Homer in makeup trying to win the affection of his clown-worshipping son. Thankfully that plotline was scrapped because no Krusty means no Sideshow Bob, and no Sideshow Bob means no this.

6. Conan O’Brien once wrote for the show

According to The Simpsons: An Uncensored, Unauthorized History, on Conan’s first day a bird flew the window and died on the office floor. All the writers thought it was an omen. Conan went on to write “Marge vs. The Monorail,” which is widely regarded as a top 5 episode.

7. The voice of Homer, Dan Castellaneta, was this guy in the audience at the Knicks game in Space Jam

(Warner Bros)

Probably more of a Space Jam fact but hey look! That’s Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond! Wow. Homer Simpson and Debra Barone. Just imagine the fights.

8. “Kamp Krusty” was supposed to be a movie

(20th Century Fox)

After the season 4 premiere was finished, producer James L. Brooks floated using its plot for a feature-length Kamp Krusty film. It was immediately dismissed as a bad idea and a Simpsons movie wouldn’t happen for another 15 years.

(20th Century Fox)

That’s right. You forgot this happened.

9. The McBain movie is real

Every now and then in The Simpsons, you’ll catch a glimpse of Rainier Wolfcastle’s portrayal of McBain, an amalgamation of action heroes played by Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. But did you know if you piece those clips together you get a cohesive little action flick? Watch for yourself!

10. One episode was too sweet for promos

Season 7 tearjerker “Mother Simpson” ends on a truly touching note with Homer bidding farewell to his estranged mother, Mona. He then sits alone atop his car, watching the stars as credits roll. When the episode initially aired, the producers insisted that no FOX promos be shown over this, as it would spoil the mood. Good call.

11. No Doubt had a silent, uncredited cameo

(20th Century Fox)

In the episode “Homerpalooza,” Homer goes on tour with Hullabalooza music festival, along with Cypress Hill, Smashing Pumpkins, and Sonic Youth. But did you know that Gwen Stefani’s brother, Eric, was an animator on the show at the time? That’s why he drew her band into the background.

12. At the time of this writing, there are 672 episodes

To put that into perspective, there were only 192 episodes of Full House. The Simpsons is three Full Houses with a Hey Arnold left over.

13. Hank Scorpio was supposed to return in The Simpsons Movie

(20th Century Fox)

Man. Remember Hank Scorpio, Homer’s impossibly cool boss at Globex from season 8’s “You Only Move Twice”? Remember all those quotable lines he had? Remember that badass flamethrower he wielded at the end? Wouldn’t you love to see him again? He was slated to be in the Simpsons Movie.

Yeah, well, too bad.

(20th Century Fox)

14. Bart’s name is an anagram

Of the word BRAT. Because of the misbehaving.

15. Couch gags are used to pad episodes


If an episode comes up a little short in length, that time is usually made up for in the opening title’s couch gag. It’s like narrowing your paper margins to make an essay seem longer, but with television.

Check out our previous list of crazy Facts You Don’t Know About Die Hard.

Segway Santa Crashes Into Christmas Tree

Cat Attacks Man After He Unwraps Present

Dad Grades: John McClane From Die Hard

(20th Century Fox)

You knew it was coming. The big one. John McClane, baby. Die Hard. Christmas movie. But hey, The Dad, can we really classify it as a— Shhhhh shh shhh sh sh. Do you wanna rehash the most tedious debate ever, or do you wanna see shit explode?

Whoa! Hell yeah!

STRENGTHS

John McClane is an NYPD detective with a Bruce Willis gruff in Los Angeles for the holidays to win back the affection of his estranged wife Holly, and give his daughter Lucy a big stuffed teddy bear.

(20th Century Fox)

Then there’s a scene later on where Lucy is home with babysitter Paulina. She wonders aloud where daddy is, unaware he’s busy besting terrorists in a fiery game of cat-and-mouse down at Nakatomi Plaza.

Their relationship isn’t really explored until the fourth Die Hard. And that one doesn’t take place on Christmas Eve. Soooo…

Fuck yeah! Bomb on the roof? Firehose around the waist? Shoot through the glass? Pump this shit directly into my veins, please.

What’s that? Did you say bad guy down the elevator with the taunting threats of a former foe scrawled on his sweatshirt? Two questions: where do I sign, and give me the pen.

Oh man. That is so badass. Die Hard is a Christmas movie in that every consecutive scene is like opening a gift. Holy shit. Did you know they told Alan Rickman they’d drop him on “1, 2, 3, drop” but dropped him on 2? That look of fear and surprise on his face is genuine.

Oh and Alan Rickman. Alan fucking Rickman, ladies and gentlemen. Does it get much better than Alan Rickman? I submit to you that it does not.

Um, yeah, let me get another piping hot bowl of THAT. Who won Best Supporting Actor at the Academy Awards that year? Not even gonna look it up. If I look and it’s not him I’ll just get angry. Alright, I looked it up and it was Kevin Kline in A Fish Called Wanda. Not even nominated. Unbelievable. Can your precious Kevin Kline do THIS?

OH. And the scene where McClane is like WELCOME TO THE PARTY, PAL at the dad from Family Matters. Just describing this movie is fun.

Holy shit. So impossibly badass. Seeing here it wasn’t even nominated for Best Picture. Did this so-called “academy” even watch this fucking movie? Too busy fawning over their beloved Kevin Kline.

(Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Who names a fish Wanda. Anyways. What were we talking about. Oh right, Dad Grades. John McClane’s probably a good dad, sure, fine, who cares. Here’s the “yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” scene.

DIE HARD: A+

Check out our previous edition of Dad Grades where we rated Clark Griswold from Christmas Vacation.

Jingle Bells Played On A Comb