Paternity Leave with Rob King | Ep. 3
Rob talks childhood movies, his football glory days, and how his kid is better than yours!
Let The Bee Be | #1 Dad | The Dad
Dad Hacks Compilation
Marvel Studios’ Ant-Man and The Wasp
Tweet Roundup: The 10 Funniest Tweets About Teachers
Did you get eight uninterrupted hours of peace and quiet away from your screaming children today? If so, thank a teacher! It’s World Teacher Day and we’ve got 10 funny tweets about the educators we cherish so dearly.
To our math teachers…
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what this symbol is? π
Me: A wobbly table
Teacher: It’s Pi
Me: HOW CAN ANYONE EAT PIE ON THAT BROKEN TABLE?— ／人◕ ‿‿ ◕人＼ (@AnOrangeSNES) June 30, 2016
thanks for all the number jokes.
If you’re a math teacher, a good joke would be to call the store 7-11 “Negative 4”. Then, when nobody laughs, cry in your Kia Sorrento.
— Hey, It’s Opus! (@heyitsopus) September 14, 2016
To the English teachers…
Person: “I want a tattoo.”
English teacher: “It’s ‘I want a tatalso.’”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) February 16, 2018
thanks for keeping our vocabularies sharp.
*runs into my old English teacher*
HER: So what have you been up to lately?ME (nervously): Oh you know, just using the word tertiary a lot
— Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) January 12, 2017
To our gym teachers…
When gym teachers get home after a long day at work, they change into formal dress slacks to relax.
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) January 29, 2015
you do a thankless job and we love you for it.
Saw my old junior high gym teacher at the grocery store. It started getting weird when he patted my head to see if it was wet and asked me if I had showered.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 29, 2018
To all the science teachers…
me: miss, i have a question
science teacher: of course
me: about Pokémon
science teacher: i warned you— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 10, 2017
thanks for keeping us involved.
[sits son down after he didn’t win science fair] son, tomorrow some will call me “hero” others will call me “guy who fought a teacher”
— brent (@murrman5) May 18, 2015
And thanks to the social studies teachers, for all you taught us…
Like many Americans, I remember exactly where I was when I heard JFK was shot. It was history class. And my teacher just kinda mentioned it.
— jordan (@jordan_stratton) January 22, 2015
and all that you could have but didn’t.
If I were a history teacher I’d sprinkle in fake “facts”…
“Christopher Columbus often ate bees to help with his erectile dysfunction.”
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) January 2, 2016
#1 DAD: Tracing
Dad Grades: Frank Reynolds From It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
The first season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia featured a four-person crew comprised of Mac, Charlie, Dee, and Dennis. When the show was renewed for a second season, national treasure Danny DeVito joined the gang as Frank Reynolds, Dennis and Dee’s estranged father. How well has performed the role of dad since then? Let’s take a look.
DAD STRENGTHS
In late season two, Frank discovers Dee and Dennis are not his biological children. On top of that, it becomes evident he could very well be the biological father Charlie never knew. Paternity tests foregone, Frank sticks around and cements himself as the gang’s fifth member and only passable father figure. Even Mac, whose dad is in prison, is occasionally taken under Frank’s wing and provided mentorship.
Frank is also a fair provider. A once successful businessman, he often offers the gang financial advice, as any good father would, and even throws some of his hoarded wealth behind their shenanigans from time to time. Not many dads would step up to finance their kids’ unauthorized sequels to the Lethal Weapon franchise. Frank Reynolds will.
DAD WEAKNESSES
Despite having his wealth, Frank willfully lives in squalor with his maybe-son, Charlie. Their living conditions are, frankly, worrisome. They sleep together on a pull out couch, leading to at least one lengthy argument over who pooped the bed. Bed bugs run rampant. Frank gives himself pedicures with what he loyally refers to as his “toe knife.” He and Charlie urinate into open coffee cans. Frank’s eagerness to wallow in filth is a poor influence on his probably-son Charlie, as a good dad always ensures his kid keeps their living quarters clean. No dad should ever have to ask their kid to retrieve the “blood bucket” because he’s nicked himself with “the toe knife.”
VERDICT
When you put aside the squalor and general depravity in which he lives, Frank Reynolds is a good dad. Sure, he has a shady, manipulative demeanor and a past filled with disreputable characters and illegal activity. And sure, maybe he’s a crazy, gun-toting, compulsive gambler. And yeah, perhaps even one time he sat his Dee on fire for the purposes of a viral video.
But you know what Frank Reynold has that most dads don’t? Rum-infused ham.
FINAL DAD GRADE: B-
Check out what Hal from Malcolm in the Middle scored on our previous edition of Dad Grades.
Dad Can’t Stop Laughing After Catching Kids Covered In Paint
Tweet Roundup: 15 The Dad Approved Tweets of September
Chock-full of moth memes and Fortnite musings, September was quite the month for Twitter. Here’s a look back at some of our favorite tweets of the last month!
Nothing like a trip to marvel at some aquatic life.
wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium
me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) August 30, 2018
This was truly a great month for moths.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
— Robotic Crab (@roboticcrab) September 7, 2018
What getting old feels like.
[slips the DJ $20] Do you have any podcasts
— Jules (@Julian_Epp) September 23, 2018
Like the difference between night and day.
High school teachers: I’m MRS. HARDASS and you will take me SERIOUSLY
College profs: what up I’m Josh and class is cancelled cuz I’m tired
— ???Becca??? (@uzbeccastaaaan) September 5, 2017
Definitely the six extra shirts you’ll never wear.
I wonder who is laughing at me harder when I pack my bag for a vacation: my workout clothes or my book.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) September 3, 2018
The saddest short story.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
— joe (@sad_tree) September 9, 2016
Kids say the darnedest and creepiest things.
My 4-year-old said, “You can’t stop me, I’m made of bones,” and I just let her go because I’ve never heard anything so metal in my life.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 10, 2018
The struggle is real.
Me: just gonna sign into Netflix using the tv remote real quick.
[later]
ME: [with a full beard] and now for the password.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) September 27, 2018
Literally every fall.
For my next trick, I will make my children disappear by requesting they try on clothes from last year to see which ones fit.
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 11, 2018
Spare us your judgmental looks.
My school drop off aesthetic is “why yes, this is the shirt I slept in.”
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) September 4, 2018
The worst.
Nothing is worse than reading your kid a bedtime story and flipping to a page with a bunch of words.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 3, 2018
When you take things a little too literally.
Just found out I have missed a lot of big important fight scenes in movies because I alway turn off my TV when someone says “This ends now.”
— Julie Greiner (@JulieAbridged) September 29, 2018
That or a germ warehouse.
Living beside an elementary school is equivalent to living beside a factory that manufactures screams
— 𝓝𝓪𝓹 𝓔𝔂𝓮𝓼 (@NapEyes) September 5, 2018
It’s truly a sight to behold.
I love the way the sun rays coming through the window make the dust on my furniture sparkle.
— Sardonic Tart 🇮🇹 (@SardonicTart) September 15, 2018
Nailed it.
[first day as a vet]
me: what seems to be the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) September 8, 2018
