“I farted…and a bit came out.”
…Quantity does not equal quality.
Our first episode of Father Figures, a show highlighting what it means to be a dad. First up, we celebrate Bill Stumpf. Happy Father’s Day, everyone.
Mother’s Day is in the rearview and our annual celebration of everything Dad is fast approaching. Sure, he loved those grilling tongs and Three Stooges boxsets you got him last year. But if there’s one things all dads love, it’s being assured that they’ve genetically passed on their cheapness. Here are 5 Father’s Day gadgets your dad is definitely going to demand the receipt for.
1. A smart speaker
These have become relatively expensive in recent years. This, of course, isn’t going to stop your dad from assuming it set you back several thousand dollars. Your dad just figured out how to make a Facebook profile. He’s gonna need a minute on talking AI servants.
2. A streaming stick
“So yeah, you just plug this Roku stick into the TV and you can pretty much watch anything you want.” That’s you. That’s you telling your dad you just spent a boatload of money on a piece of technology. “Instant access to every movie ever made” is your dad’s cue to ask you to retrieve the Best Buy receipt crammed in the console’s cupholder.
3. A dashcam
These are great to have in the event of an accident. Unfortunately, your dad is still under the impression it’s 1999 and all digital cameras cost ten million dollars. Be sure to keep this receipt in your wallet, because this thing’s going right back to the store if it ran you how much he thinks it ran you.
4. An e-reader
What a lovely thought. Your dad, sitting up in bed, every book he could possibly want at his fingertips. What will he read first? A book about World War II? The biography of Henry Ford? The answer is, of course, the receipt for this fancy reading tablet that probably set you back three mortgage payments.
5. A yearly-subscription to a music streaming service
You just want him to be able to listen to the Doobie Brothers whenever he wants. But by his math, if buying a single song on iTunes costs $1, and Spotifly, as he calls it, gives you access to over four million songs, you’ve essentially just bankrupted your family. Good job. Be sure to keep that receipt handy to prove to him that he can still see his grandkids attend college one day.
Father’s Day is here! We hope you have a relaxing Sunday filled with good food, Die Hards 1-4, and the looming suspicion your kid put way more thought into their Mother’s Day gift last month. Here are 10 hilarious tweets about Father’s Day we think you’ll enjoy!
A tradition as old as dads themselves.
Every year on Father’s Day Eve a dad climbs down the chimney and sets your thermostat to the perfect temperature.
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) June 19, 2017
Leave some free work t-shirts lying around while you’re at it.
It’s Father’s Day. Don’t forget to hide charcoal briquettes around the house for your dad to find
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) June 18, 2017
Commercials: notoriously insensitive to the plight of dads.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads in commercials who are left in charge of the kids and then get tomato sauce all over the kitchen.
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) June 19, 2016
There’s no better present than an existential crisis.
when your father’s day gift makes you question if you’re still alive pic.twitter.com/OcXz17WyZN
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) June 18, 2017
Happy Father’s Day! Enjoy your maple syrupy pillowcases.
For Father’s Day my kids spilled me breakfast in bed.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 21, 2015
We’d like to wish an especially happy Father’s Day to Gene.
the apostrophe in “father’s day” indicates that this day is meant to celebrate one dad only. my guess is Gene, down the street
— chuuch (@ch000ch) June 21, 2015
A stern reminder to not do this.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there. Unless you refer to watching your kids as babysitting.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) June 18, 2017
Get it changed twice just in case.
For Father’s Day, I’m giving my dad a receipt proving I got my oil changed & a detailed description of the route we took to get to his house
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 18, 2015
The easiest way to say “I love you.”
Get your dad what he really wants this Father’s Day by turning off the lights when you leave a room.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) June 18, 2015
And finally, a reminder for all dads the other 364 days of the year.
Every day is father's day on your local classic rock station
— Dan gagliardi (@asimplemachine) June 21, 2015
What do you get for the dad who has it all?
Father’s Day is our day. We can do whatever we want… right?
Have you ever taken a step back to examine those lyrics your toddler is spouting off from the backseat? Sure, they’re intended to be nonsensical. Children are nonsensical creatures. But we here at The Dad demand an explanation for these in particular.
1. “The wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round”
Newsflash, kid: that’s what wheels do. It’s literally how a wheel works. Your bus isn’t special. Show me one wheel, bus or otherwise, that moves in a direction that isn’t circular. What’s that? You can’t? Didn’t think so.
2. “If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it”
Okay then what was the point of all that hand-clapping? If my face is already adequately telegraphing my contentment, why didn’t you just check to see if I was smiling? You know, the way literally everyone else on earth identifies happiness? Spare me your redundant clapping orders, kid.
3. “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name too”
First of all, no it isn’t. This song is predicated upon a blatant untruth. You’re a liar. Second, whenever you go out, why are people only pointing out one of you? If that’s really both of your names, the people should shout “there go both John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts.” Seems rather rude otherwise.
4. “Do you know the muffin man that lives on Drury lane?”
The specificity of the “lives on Drury lane” part implies that this is a town with multiple muffin men. Seriously? You expect me to believe there’s a place where more than one dude has devoted his life to muffins? Not bread in general. Just muffins. Right. Also, really cool of you to just dox the muffin man like that. Way to go.
5. “Now I know my ABCs, next time won’t you sing with me?”
One of the most dishonest lyrics known to man. Now you know your ABCs? Like, you just learned them? From the song? The song you just sang? Something tells me you had prior knowledge of those 26 letters before busting out this tune, pal. Think I’ll pass on this duet you’ve proposed, sorry.
It’s important to set expectations with your kids.
How much screen time would you allow if it meant your kids would eat their vegetables?
Prepare that neighborly wave and get ready to turn those pristine white sneakers a healthy shade of green because mowing season has arrived! Before you go earn that post-yardwork shower beer, check out these 11 hilarious tweets about the downside of having a lawn to care for.
Mowing: really more of an art form than a chore.
I don’t mow the lawn. I impose a series of lines, coordinates and right angles on the surface of a unknown world, like a 16th century cartographer. Here there be dragonflies.
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) June 3, 2018
Patience is key. Your kid will be old enough to push that mower soon enough.
Hey kid, you’re not really mowing the lawn. That’s just a stupid toy lawnmower. It blows bubbles, you idiot. You’re not helping AT ALL.
— craig 🧠 (@EWWWYUCKY) June 6, 2012
Please be considerate of your surroundings.
Mow your lawn at 8am on a Saturday so your neighbors know which house to egg this Halloween.
— 🥨 10,000 pretzels 🥨 (@MommaUnfiltered) May 20, 2017
Just kidding, you’ll never please everybody.
No matter what day of the week, or what time of day, if you are mowing your lawn know this: somebody hates you for it.
— ess bee fritz (@RandomAntics) September 29, 2011
That or the soundtrack from Dunkirk.
When I mow over an ant colony I like to imagine that the scrambling ants are running bent way over and humming the theme to M*A*S*H.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) July 6, 2013
“Welp, I’m done mowing. Guess that means it’s almost time to mow.”
Yesterday the lawn looked like we could skip a mow. This morning it looked like we pulled up stakes and left for the California Gold Rush 170 years ago.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) June 5, 2018
Turning your whole yard into a beach volleyball court will also do it.
The goal of every dad is to build your children so much outdoor play equipment that eventually you won’t need to mow the lawn.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 6, 2017
Where you at on this, Mattel?
Million dollar idea: Electric Barbie cars with mower blades so your 6-year-old can mow the lawn for you.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) October 28, 2015
This is commonly referred to as “The Dad Stranger.”
Sometimes I like to make my arms go numb first and pretend like someone else is mowing the lawn.
— Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) August 26, 2016
It’s just like making plans with yourself you already want out of.
Off to mow the lawn, because man is the only animal on the planet that plants and waters a weed that he has to spend his weekends cutting.
— Ham on Wry (@realHamOnWry) June 14, 2015
Finally, a reminder of the rules.
Whichever dad has the best step ladders in the neighborhood gets to ride his lawnmower shirtless on the weekends.
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) January 5, 2018
Oh yeah? Well, my dad met Aerosmith