The Dad

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Crime Lab Reports Kid’s Toothbrush Way Too Dry to Have Just Been Used

(Getty/poba)

EVANSTON, IL — Referring to the hygiene instrument as “desert-like,” a team of crime lab analysts have concluded that 8-year-old Miles Russell’s toothbrush couldn’t have possibly been used recently.

Miles, currently awaiting punishment for fraudulent misrepresentation, confirmed to having brushed his teeth at 8:42 pm, just moments before bedtime.

“The moisture content is simply too low,” contended one scientist, peering through a microscope at the arid bristling of a Transformers novelty toothbrush. “If this was used to clean teeth within the last hour, it was a completely dry run.”

“And even then, you’re bound to find traces of the antimicrobial agents associated with saliva,” another analyst suggested.

“From this, we can draw one of two conclusions: either water molecules evaporate quicker on Transformers toothbrushes, or this Miles kid is a liar.”

Miles is expected to be ordered back into the bathroom, where oral upkeep will be performed under close supervision.

This is the team’s second discovery in recent months, having also analyzed a piece of dog poop to determine that Miles was not, in fact, eating his vegetables.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Grades: Game of Thrones Edition

Dad Grades GoT Edition
(Warner Bros)

Need to quickly catch up before the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones gets underway? Well, good luck with that. Way too many characters. But if you’re looking for the three best and three worst poppas in Westeros, we’ve got you covered.

BEST DADS

Ned Stark

(Warner Bros)

Children: Robb, Sansa, Arya, Bran, Rickon
Fatherly Advice: “The only time a man can be brave is when he is afraid.”
Verdict:
You knew ol’ Eddard would top of this list long before the page finished loading. Mr. Stark was essentially the moral compass of Westeros, having raised five of the few people on that continent who didn’t grow up to be barbaric monsters. He was always eager to pass down wisdom, a champion of honor and loyalty in an age of betrayal. Well-deserving of a “#1 DAD” goblet. A+

Jaime Lannister

(Warner Bros)


Children: Joffrey, Myrcella, Tommen
Fatherly Advice: “How can you still count yourself a knight, when you have forsaken every vow you ever swore?”
Verdict: Okay. So. We know Cersei is his sister. And yes, we know Joffrey, the Damien of Westeros, did, in fact, swim out of this man’s urethra. The thing is, Jaime never really got the chance to properly nurture Joffrey. We’d like to think, had Cersei not been forced into an unhappy marriage, Jaime could’ve given Joffrey the fatherly affection he so clearly yearned for. Put aside the whole “dating his twin sister” thing and you’ve got yourself a B+ uncle-dad.

Mace Tyrell

(Warner Bros)

Children: Loras, Margaery
Fatherly Advice: “Is there anything as pointless as a king without a kingdom?”


Verdict: The head of House Tyrell is often regarded as a bit of an idiot, even by his own mother. He’s not a particularly good general, but he’s able to summon lots of kindness through that vulnerability. He’s the closest thing this bleak era of dragon panic and human sacrifice had to an easy-going, goofy dad. Also “Mace Tyrell” is easily the smoothest name on the show. B


 

WORST DADS

Tywin Lannister

(Warner Bros)
Children: Cersei, Jaime, Tyrion
Coldest Quote: “A lion doesn’t concern itself with the opinion of sheep.”
Verdict: We can’t even go into detail about all the despicable things Tywin Lannister has done to his children. This dude is a monster. Total disregard for the well-being of his three kids, with an especially disheartening, calculated disdain for his son Tyrion. Truly the “dad who pushes his kids into sports but only to further his own personal interests” of Westeros. F

Robert Baratheon

(Warner Bros)
Children: Mya Stone, Bella, Gendry, Edric Storm, Barra, Joffrey(-ish), Myrcella(-ish), Tommen(-ish), countless others even he doesn’t know about


Coldest Quote: “I swear to you, I was never so alive as when I was winning this throne, or so dead as now that I’ve won it.”
Verdict: This guy has like a thousand kids, one of which turned out to be a demon. The Baratheon household is a textbook example of how an unhappy marriage can affect a child. Jaime Lannister may be the biological father of Joffrey, but Robert here withheld the nurturing that might’ve kept that little shit from becoming Satan incarnate upon reaching puberty. We’re not ones to advocate for child-leashes, but good lord, bro. Control your kid. Perhaps Ned Stark’s head would still be attached to his body had you two went out back and tossed the ol’ pigskin once in a while. D-

Randyll Tarly

(Warner Bros)

Children: Samwell, Talla, Dickon
Coldest Quote: “The gods made men to fight.”


Verdict: Mr. Tarly is a vicious, cold-blooded, highly effective war general.  His gentler son Sam doesn’t care for fighting, much more interested in scholarly pursuits at the Citadel. Randyll gives Sam an ultimatum: join the Night’s Watch, a brotherhood of men who look after the Wall, OR be put to death via hunting “accident.” Again, Sports Dad written all over this shit. We will award bonus points, as Randyll Tarly, despite the spelling, is easily the dad-est name on the show. D-

Check out the previous edition when we graded Frank Costanza from Seinfeld.

 

Tweet Roundup: The Funniest Tweets About Game of Thrones

(HBO/Warner Bros)

Game of Thrones. It is, first and foremost, a show about the importance of family. Before the new season premieres for the last time, take your mind off the inevitable stabbings with these 13 hilarious GoT tweets.

Never seen the show? Well, it’s complex…


…depressing…

…disappointing…

…confusing…

…inspirational…


…personal…


…a tad boring sometimes…

…unpredictable…

…horrifying…


…shameless…


…and ambitious.

But the best part of the show is, by far, the opening title sequence.

Son Makes Better Door Than Window, Reports Dad Who Can’t See TV

Son better door than window
(Getty/mrs)

Citing an inability to see the television due to his child’s nontransparent body, local dad Keith Allen reported this week that his six-year-old son, Thomas, makes a much better door than window.

“I was trying to watch football,” Keith recalled. “Suddenly this kid gets the idea, despite being a solid mass of bone and cartridge through which light cannot pass, to just stand in right in front of the TV.”

Keith told us that the game was neck-and-neck in its fourth quarter, and also that, of the ten thousand baby names he and his wife considered, he doesn’t remember Casper being one of them.

“I was half-tempted to go and get his birth certificate,” Keith continued. “Just to ask him to show me where it says his mom and I opted for a baby made out of glass.”



Luckily, he was able to finish the game in full view after convincing his son to go outside and play. After getting up to close to the ajar front door, Keith proceeded to inspect the house to make sure it was not, in fact, a barn.

Loving Husband Greets Wife at Airport with Flowers and Chocolates

Tweet Roundup: The Funniest Dad Tweets of March 2019

(Getty/skynesher)

Ahh, March. Spring has sprung, brackets have busted, and somewhere they’re still power-washing green puke off of a sidewalk. As a reward for your persistence through the Tuesday of months, here are some of the funniest dad tweets from it!

Simpler times.


The most powerful of power-naps.


Never miss out on chore credit.

Also, “getting the big pancake.”

Give this kid an advice column.

Tell your kids to just say no to advertising campaigns.


Sometimes you just know.


Sugarcoat nothing.


Good effort, kid.


It truly never ends.


When your spouse knows you all too well.

Ingenuity at its finest.

Bonus: Cat Dad of the month.

Dad Plays Basketball Arcade Game with Baby Strapped to Him

Potentially Gifted Child Can Zip Jacket in Just Under 12 Minutes

(Getty/HRAUN)

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Referring to his son as “a prodigy of sorts,” Kyle Gundacker was ecstatic to learn his 6-year-old, Alex, may be gifted, after witnessing him zip up a jacket in just under 12 minutes.

“You gotta watch for the signs early,” says Kyle. “Some kids paint well, some show interest in a second language, some are adequate at fastening outerwear without making a whole thing out of it. Every child is special.”

Kyle says he and his wife are looking into enrichment programs at Alex’s elementary school, contending that children with large vocabularies, persistent curiosity, and advanced cognitive skills aren’t nearly as gifted as children capable of affixing one side of their jacket to the other without making you late for something.

“Looks like we’re two for two on genius kids,” adds Gundacker, who’s 8-year-old daughter Haley was skipped a grade after putting on shoes in under an hour.

Dad Uses Fishing Pole for Batting Practice

Dad Grades: Frank Costanza From Seinfeld

(Columbia TriStar)

Offering a fair critique for Frank might prove to be difficult. One’s opinion of Mr. Constanza is, for the most part, heavily determined by his son George, who speaks of his dad in a manner that one might speak of a boss or landlord. George Costanza does not like his dad. This we’re sure of.

(Columbia TriStar)

We’re not convinced his wife, Estelle, cares for him either. The two are nearing the cusp of a bitter, impossibly loud marriage. So we’ll try our best to shake the anti-Frank bias instilled in us by his overbearing wife and whiny, neurotic son. So strap on that Manssiere and say those serenity nows, this is the Dad Grades for Frank Costanza from Seinfeld.

STRENGTHS

If there’s one quality of Frank Costanza’s parenting worth spotlighting, it’s his blunt demeanor. He’s very outspoken and forthright, almost to a fault. This is a man who outright refuses to sugarcoat the inanities of life for his son. Tactics aside, toughening up a youngster for the real world is of the utmost importance. Preparing that kid to navigate the brutal, indifferent sidewalks of New York City? You better believe that’s gonna take some, well, frankness.


Frank is bit of an innovator. A taste-maker, in some regards. This is admirable in a father, as that paternal ingenuity is responsible for some of mankind’s greatest achievements, be it cell phone holster or Dockers sandal. Frank has a couple of patents-pending, one of them being a brassiere for men, as seen in the season 5 episode “The Doorman.” Although Kramer suggests calling The Bro, Frank is unflinching in his commitment to the name Manssiere. This tells us that Frank is empathetic to men with body image issues; a must for fatherhood, nay, humanhood in 2019.


In addition to his staunch effort to normalize man-boobs, Frank also invented a holiday: Festivus. December 23rd of each year, a bare aluminum pole is erected in the Costanza living room. Festivus dinner is served, as Frank initiates The Airing Of Grievances and The Feats Of Strength, which amount to shouting and wrestling, respectively.

“Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon, I realized there had to be another way.”

We think inventing a holiday is, at face value, one of the coolest things a dad can do, especially when it’s invented with the goal of liberating his family from more barbaric, consumerist holiday traditions. But more on Festivus later.

WEAKNESSES

From his irrepressible temper to his bewildering value system, Frank’s shortcomings as a parent are some of the funniest things about him. Frank is volatile, quick to anger, eager to shout down the ineptitude of his slow-witted son. Frank’s anger issues are explored in the season 9 classic “The Serenity Now,” in which Frank uses the episode’s titular phrase as a relaxation mantra to keep his blood pressure low. He yells it.


He yells a lot. A lot. Granted, this is hilarious on-screen, as Frank Costanza is consistently revered as one of the funniest characters in TV history, dad or otherwise. Incessant shouting is, however, not a quality of character we here at The Dad can encourage. Take this for example:

Funny? Absolutely. Frank’s contemptuous relationship with his son has brought about some of the funniest, albeit loudest dialogue ever committed to television. That said, this all makes him a pretty terrible father.We spoke earlier about Festivus, and how Frank invented it with the intention of giving his family a less chaotic, excessive holiday season. What we’ve failed to mention is that George had no say in his participation. The holiday, as cool and anti-corporate as it may sound, appears to be the bane of George Costanza’s existence. He doesn’t want to celebrate it. He doesn’t care that it undermines the commercialization of Christmas. He doesn’t want to see the aluminum pole.

(Columbia TriStar)

Frank is surely off the mark here. Never force your children to celebrate a fake holiday. Especially when those children are well into their thirties.
Other instances where it’s clear that he cares very little for his son include season 7’s “The Caddy,” in which George’s boss and Yankees owner Mr. Steinbrenner breaks the news to Frank and Estelle that their boy is missing and presumed dead. Frank processes this grief by asking him why the Yankees traded Jay Buhner for Ken Phelps.



Still not convinced? In the hotly debated series finale, Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer are found guilty of historically anti-social behavior and are sentenced to one year of jail time. Upon learning their kid is going to prison, would be distraught. Estelle faints. Frank comforts her by shaking her and insisting they can still beat traffic.

VERDICT


Frank Costanza is a vet of the Korean War, so it doesn’t surprise us that he grew into an explosive, no-nonsense old man, quick to reprimand his idiot son in a fashion one can only assume was picked up from a drill sergeant. So we get it. He’s tired. However, this does not excuse his bizarre, borderline hateful approach to parenting, no matter how laugh-out-loud funny it may be.

FINAL GRADE: D+

And just for fun, here’s the funniest TV blooper of all time.


Check out our previous edition where we graded Mr. Incredible from The Incredibles.

Dad Grudgingly Accepts That Cup Holder Now Used for Half-Eaten Suckers

(Getty/Stratol)

DULUTH, MN – “Cool,” Anthony Stevenson remarked upon discovering that half-eaten suckers apparently belong upside down in the cupholder of his minivan. “Great,” he added.

Stevenson, the 33-year-old father of one, says it was “just fantastic” to learn his Kia Sedona’s cupholders, previously thought to only hold cups, change, and drive-thru receipts, was also the perfect place to dispose of spit-drenched sugar candy.

“A bank teller gave my son this little lollipop yesterday,” Anthony recalled, admiring the lemon Dum Dum’s natural adhesiveness to plastic.

“I assumed he’d finished it and then discard the stick in a trash can. But taking a few licks and then affixing garbage to the bottom of this hole I jam my hand into several times a day, that’s pretty sweet too. Nice.”

Stevenson says he hopes the cupholder’s new functionality will increase the vehicle’s resale value, as should the seatbelt holes that are perfect for storing goldfish crackers.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Guy Removes Wheel Clamp On Car

Dad Grades: Mr. Incredible From The Incredibles

(Disney/Buena Vista)

Doing a Dad Grades for Mr. Incredible is tricky. We usually take a dad and itemize his strengths and weaknesses; words that take on whole new meanings when that particular dad is a literal superhero. Welcome to the Dad Grades for Bob Parrish from The Incredibles.

STRENGTHS

Bob is a big, friendly, profoundly empathetic man. His insatiable need to help others was never been more apparent than on the day of his wedding, which he was nearly missed in lieu of spur-of-the-moment superhero shit. After “rescuing” a man falling from a building, he prevents a train from falling from its tracks. This, on your wedding day, is an unprecedented display of courage. No man would take such a risk after dropping $2600 on catering.

The train passengers are injured. The falling man insists he didn’t want to be saved. Lawsuits abound, all superheroes become ostracized, forcing Bob and his bride, Helen, into a monotonous and unremarkable civilian life. He takes a job as a claims adjuster, where his gentle regard for others remains on full display. He toils away at corrupt Insuricare, oftentimes breaking protocol to clue in struggling clients on secret loopholes they can take advantage of. Not all heroes wear tight red spandex with a lowercase “i” on the chest.

We see this compassion shine through in his roles as husband and father. While he and Helen (aka Elastigirl) endure the same marital woes any non-superhero couple might, the two very clearly share a profound romance rooted in trust and vulnerability. They keep each other grounded as they both struggle with the banality of a life they’ve been forced to live un-incredibly.

(Disney/Buena Vista)

His relationships with his children are just what you’d expect. His daughter Violet is your typical, gloomy, emotionally-withdrawn 14-year-old who can turn invisible and generate force fields. Regrettably, Bob Parr does not possess a superpower for understanding teenage daughters.

Dashiell, appropriately nicknamed Dash, is his lightning-fast, rambunctious son. Bob and Dash seem to share a tight bond, rich in both affection and encouragement. Dad always said our powers were nothing to be ashamed of,” Dash says at one point. “Our powers made us special.”


Finally, there’s Jack-Jack. The baby. Not much can be said about the father-infant dynamic, as Jack-Jack spends most of the first film in the custody of a terrified babysitter.

(Disney/Buena Vista)

All around, we’d say Robert Parr is a textbook example of what we’ll call tender masculinity. Underneath that bulky, musclebound exterior is a gentle, devoted husband and father, always eager to help or embolden those who weren’t afforded the same hulking features and superhuman strengths as him. Now that’s a hero..

WEAKNESSES

It feels wrong taking someone who can lift a car over their head and scrutinizing their weakness. Even while donning his signature black mask, Bob Parr doesn’t seem to have any weaknesses in the traditional superhero sense. Mr. Incredible is, frankly, a Superman without Kryptonite. Without the mask, his Achilles heel reveals itself: nostalgia.

(Disney/Buena Vista)

Were you the star quarterback in high school?

Did you briefly front an alt-rock band in your twenties?

Whatever your ambition, chance are you put at least one big’n aside the day you settled down. You forfeit that Heisman trophy the moment your proposal knee made contact with the ground. A guitar chord escapes from your memory with each subsequent childbirth.

There’s nothing wrong with this.

Settling down to start a family can be, and is for many, the most worthwhile, fulfilling decision you can make. Now, granted, you probably weren’t forced into that life through mob rule and government mandate. So we can kind of understand why Bob’s face looks like this here.

(Disney/Buena Vista)

You can see it in his eyes. His heyday as Mr. Incredible, playing on loop in his brain.

Usually, a dad’s infatuation with his prime is harmless. Quarterback Dad might regale his kids with old stories of gridiron triumph. Rock Band Dad might head to the attic, dust off his old guitar, and wistfully pluck the opening riff of “Layla.”

Other times, a dad’s infatuation with his glory days will manifest in much unhealthier fashions. Quarterback Dad forces his reluctant son to sign up for peewee football. Rock Band Dad disregards his daughter’s love of painting and instead signs her up for guitar lessons.

(Disney/Buena Vista)

The “good ol’ days” for Bob Parr involved chaos. Widespread mayhem. A looming uncertainty that nothing may ever return to order. We’re not talking about four touchdowns in one game at Polk High. Property was destroyed. Lives were endangered. Some, lost. We cannot condone Mr. Parr romanticizing such things. It’s weird and disturbing to get nostalgic for a world once in disarray, even if you bore the responsibility of putting it back together.

We get that you want to help, Bob. But you gave an unspoken pledge the first time you changed a diaper: no more vigilante justice with your buddy Frozone. I don’t care if he does talk like Sam Jackson.

Every dad has dreams of reliving his glory days. We must insist that, should you choose to go through with reliving yours, please make sure you’re not putting your family in harm’s way by doing so. Superheroes genes or not.

VERDICT

This verdict’s tough. There’s something truly profound at the core of The Incredibles. This isn’t really a movie about a dad. Had it been, they would’ve called it Mr. Incredible. Each and every Parr has a function. A purpose. A role. This is a familial in which iron sharpens iron, pillars of strength and so forth.

Just look at their costumes. All the same, despite superpowers of varying ability and practicality. One can turn invisible, one can throw a van, yet not a single deviation between their outfits.

(Disney/Buena Vista)

This is a family that treats one another as equals. No superpowers required.

FINAL FAMILY GRADE: A

 

Check out our previous edition where we graded Jack Butler from Mr. Mom.