Tom Aldworth

Tom Aldworth

Tom Aldworth is in a gang, but just as their accountant. He likes to write jokes on the internet under the moniker “trojansauce” (not a sex joke). Tom has been featured on websites such as Huffington Post, Buzzfeed and Funny or Die. His debut book, ‘The Murder of Jed Lombardo’ is available on Amazon.

QUIZ: What Social Media Platform Are You?

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You’ve heard of the internet, right? Of course you have. So then you’ve heard of social media, too? Exactly. You’ve probably also wondered what social media platform best represents your personality, because, y’know, these are the existential questions of 2018.

Fortunately for you, The Dad has made it so you can just click a few buttons and find out.

Do it. Your life will be infinitely richer, probably.

An Englishman’s Experience Of Fantasy Football

(Tom Aldworth and Getty/tab1962)

Look, America, I get it. I know what you guys are about. I’ve eaten an apple pie or two in my time. I’ve worn blue jeans. I’ve had a Budweiser. I’ve even watched your version of The Office all the way through. So I get it.

So when I was asked to join a fantasy football league this summer, I said yes. “How hard can it be?” I thought. The quarterback throws the ball at the guy and he runs it to the end zone. I’ve seen Forrest Gump. I know the basics.

To prepare myself a little further I did some research. I watched both seasons of Last Chance U on Netflix, and I was suddenly an expert. I don’t know if you guys know this, but there is something called a “running back,” and those guys are pretty athletic. Also, they have a whole other team who come on to kick the ball every now and then! It’s pretty wild.

Now, three months on, I hate fantasy football. I don’t know what the hell is going on, and my team sucks.

Here are some of the main challenges I have faced so far:

1. The Draft

Like, I get the principle of this. I understand how it works. I understand why it works. I felt confident about this. But do you know what makes the draft particularly difficult? Not knowing a single football player by name. It’s pretty hard to pick people when you don’t know who they are. But I did some research. Quarterbacks are important. Running backs are important. Wide receivers are important. It was all starting to take shape, and I was excited to smash a bunch of Americans at their own game.

And then they scheduled the draft.

Now, America is a big place. You guys have four time zones, so coordinating a cross country fantasy football draft is kind of complicated. Throw in the fact that there is one idiot who lives in a different continent, and it’s pretty hard to find a suitable time for everyone.

The draft took place at 2am British time, and, unsurprisingly, I was asleep.

All my research. All the hours spent discovering players and learning positions. All the blogs I read about what to prioritise. Wasted.

2. Trades

A common theme in my experiences of this season is my lack of knowledge about teams and players. “Your QB isn’t very good, you should do a trade,” my friend said to me. My QB’s name was Mike Glennon and he played for the Chicago Bears. I looked him up, and, sure, he wasn’t very good. The Bears were, apparently, not the team to beat this season. So I figured, sure, I need to get a new QB.

My friend wanted to trade. Mike Evans for Dak Prescott. I don’t know, man. Mike Evans seems pretty good. If my friend wants him so badly, why should I give him up? It was soul-searching time. I asked around. I got some advice. “This is a good trade for you.” “You should do it.” I was hearing a lot of positives about this trade, so I decided to accept.

Then suddenly my “friend” Rob decided the trade wasn’t good for him anymore. That he was getting the raw end of the deal. It was his frickin’ idea! He goes, “give me Doug Martin too.” Now, I may not know football, but what I do know is that two players is more than one player. Something seemed fishy to me. Why the hell am I gonna give him two of my guys if I’m only getting one in return? What does he think I am? Some kind of idiot?

“Two is more than one, buddy. No trade,” I said, confidently. So we haggled.

I used the knowledge I had learned about the Bears to my advantage. “I know the Bears have a bad team. I know you won’t be missing Kendall Wright. Give me him too.” I was so proud of myself. He agreed. We did the trade.

Then it had to go for ratification through the league and it took like 48 hours to go through (what the hell?). But eventually it happened.

You guys, this is my biggest success to date. As I write this, on November 9 the total points look like this:

Fantasy Trade Analysis
(Tom Aldworth)

3. Game Week One

I swear to god, I got the third highest points in the league in game week one. I was delighted. I had done it. I was flying up the table. Except, one of the guys whose teams did better was the guy I was playing. So I got no points. Not a single point.

I… I’m not… I can’t talk about this anymore

4. The Season So Far

Nine games in, my record looks like this: 2-7-0

Seven defeats. Seven.

My buddy Travis said to me before the season, “I don’t really understand it either, I just make sure I replace injured players.” He’s top. He’s won seven games. That lucky son of a gun.

Looking Ahead

It turns out, all the apple pie in the world couldn’t prepare me for this ridiculous game. I’m frustrated, I’m weather beaten, I am in a rut. Maybe I’d be more optimistic if I knew how many games there are in a season. Do I even have time to turn this around?

I don’t know man, this game is complicated. I don’t understand it. I am tied for last. Maybe I’ll listen to some Bruce Springsteen and try again next year.

On the plus side, I’ll always have Dak Prescott.

Dak Prescott
(Getty/Ron Jenkins/Stringer)

11 Things Stranger Than Stranger Things

stranger things
(Getty/retales botijero)

1 The fact that geese have teeth

This is one of those things that we are all so familiar with that it doesn’t FEEL strange to us anymore. But let me assure you, that it is strange as hell. Why do they have them? It’s unnecessary, it’s intimidating, and quite frankly it makes me sick.

2 The career of Sean Combs

Why does he have to change his name so often? Admit it. It’s strange isn’t it?

(Giphy)

3 The fact that Flava Flav wore a gigantic clock as a necklace

Are we seriously meant to ignore that, are you kidding me?

4 People who haven’t read Harry Potter

Are you kidding me? Where have you been, you lunatic?

5 Benedict Cumberbatch

Benedict Cumberbatch
(GIphy)

6 Celebrities born after the year 2000

How are they even walking and talking already? It feels like a con, to me.

7 When one of your muscles twitches for no reason

Ahhh! It’s so weird! Why is it doing it?! Scientists are baffled, and have admitted they “will never find out.” What a mystery.

8 Foot fetishists

If feet don’t repulse you, you are, legally speaking, a freak.

9 Death

Ooooooh, spooky, right?

10 People who don’t have smartphones

“Press a button”? “Press.”? “A.”? “Button”? It’s 2017 you disgusting animal. I would rather throw myself down a flight of stairs than hear a polyphonic ringtone.

Clueless
(Giphy)

11 When your aunt adds you on Facebook

You got to grow up in a world where you could avoid family easily if you wanted. Why are you trying to take that away from me?

12 The fact that the editor of thedad.com hasn’t seen Stranger Things, and wanted more than 11 things in this list, even though it’s a reference to the show

Get it together, Joel. I’m not changing the title.

11
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13 That God and Santa are ALWAYS watching

Pretty upsetting when you think about it.

14 Gender inequality

“I wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for an angel of a woman carrying me for nine months and nurturing me during my formative years, but you deserve less money than me, sugar.”

15 The letter “W”

Couldn’t be bothered to name it properly, and even with the laziest naming they picked a U instead of the wildly more appropriate V.

16 Mick Foley

Remember when he used to stick a sock in a guy’s mouth to choke him out? That was messed up.

Mick Foley
(Giphy)

17 Ear stretchers

My friend’s ear got stretched too much as a teen and now it won’t go back, and her lobe just hangs there all baggy and disgusting. It stinks if you put your finger in it.

18 Marilyn Manson

It’s weird to think that one of the most controversial bands of their generation began life with the name “The Spooky Kids”. I wonder if Velma played bass for them?

19 Marilyn Manson again

And while we’re on the subject, Marilyn Manson’s real name is Brian.

Marilyn Manson
(Giphy)

20 Bats

Not in a bad way, but they are strange, admit it.

21 Urinals

nope
(Giphy)

22 “The best thing since sliced bread”

What I want to know is: what was the best thing before that? Gruel? The plague? Racism?

23 The clitoris

Where the hell even is that thing?!

24 When people back their car into parking spaces

I hate those people.

25 People with eyes that are different colours

Purely from a scientific perspective, it’s super rare and super interesting and, as a result, strange.

26 The moon

27 Goofy

Why isn’t he mad that his best friend has enslaved someone of his species and keeps him as a pet? That’s some disturbing shit.

28 Sacha Baron Cohen married Isla Fisher

Mathematically speaking, something doesn’t seem right about that.

Isla Fisher
(Giphyt)

29 The 8 richest men in the world own half of the world’s wealth

What’s that? We could solve the famine crisis in Africa? Sorry I need another yacht. American Dream, baby.

30 Busta Rhymes’ real name is Trevor Smith

Trevor. Smith.

WTF
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