Right from birth, dads are already blowing it big time.

This guy has been a dad for literally 7 seconds and he’s already being annoying as heck. Welcome to the world, tiny infant, get used to your dad being a goofy doofus.

Okay so a dad maybe a goofball, but when it comes to the care of his family on a day-to-day basis, he is a responsible contributor around the house, maybe? Turns out no, not at all.

In fact, some men are SO opposed to housework, they can’t even be in the same room with clothes that are unfolded.

“Halt, take these inferior garments from my presence. Return them from whence they came!”

If stock photos teach us anything it is that men must ignore their hardworking women, whatever the cost.

This guy has found a way to take actively ignoring his wife to the next level. To the ridiculous, “that-looks-really-uncomfortable-for everyone” level. Because no way is that not affecting his game performance right now.

And while I respect his approach, do you know what the best way to avoid contributing anything is? Just pass out.

Drop your whole, untouched chocolate bar in your chip bowl, wipe your hands on your sleeveless undershirt and go to unconscious-land. She’ll never find you there.

JUST in case it wasn’t clear who the slacker is and who the hero is in this situation, there is a little hint in this photo.

It’s subtle, I know. But it’s there.

If a dad ever DOES take the leap to try to help with household chores, its sure to end in utter disaster.

DAD, NO! DAD, DON’T! Dad, you obviously put too much soap in the washer! (also don’t put a kid in there head first blah blah blah…)

So now we have established that men are clearly no help around the house, but at least they can help with parenting, right?

Wrong-o. Check out this dummy, who apparently doesn’t know how “swings” work and can’t look away from his fantasy football (he’s in last place).

Or there’s this dad, who is excited to watch his kid smash this piggy bank open with a…tiny…sledgehammer?

Because boy does he want to use that 3.25 to get some ice cream without asking mom! Those rascals!

Really any time a dad has to spend with family it is excruciatingly difficult for his puny dad-mind to process.

“GAHHH my family has needs! They keep talking words at me! They expect me to contribute!” It’s really tragic that this dad is expected to participate on the preparation for a family outing, surely his melodramatic mental breakdown is justified.

But, after all these discouraging failures, there is something we can always count on dads to do right: man the grill.

Uhh… wait. This seems less-than-successful. You know, in his defense, maybe his wife didn’t say “Don’t forget NOT to let little Timmy grill your head again.” She should have reminded him.

Maybe we can still count on dads for the classic man-job of outdoor maintenance and pool care?

Oh yikes. Dad, wake up from your lazy slime-water nap to save your daughter from jumping into that shallow toxic waste.

Well, okay, they aren’t helpful with housework, parenting, grilling, or yard maintenance but come ON. There has to be something a dad can do right. What about…say, walking?

Nope. Not that either.

You got us, stock photos. You really roasted us good.

Never in my life had I experienced such joy. I cried my eyes out and asked my wife to soak in what she had just accomplished. As I held my son for the first time, I knew this is why I’m on this earth. To be his dad.”

– Breal Rowe

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

Thank god this is only a parody. I was starting to feel bad for something that would ultimately end up enslaving me, and forcing me to toil in its lithium mines! https://t.co/NyKrkTIugL

— Dara de Brún (@DaraDeBrun) June 15, 2019

The video—a parody of Boston Dynamics’ “Atlas” robot videos—was created by the visual effects team at Los Angeles-based Corridor Digital and has already been viewed nearly 7 million times. Being shared over and over across various social media platforms with zero context and in lower resolutions, it’s easy to see why some could get swindled by the parody.

The actual full-length video reveals things to be a bit more obvious (and over the top):

It’s a little crazy just how similar Corridor Digital’s video is to Boston Dynamics’ actual test videos. Back in February 2016, they released a video of the actual Atlas robot getting a package smacked out of its “hands” and then pushed around. They even used a similar hockey stick!

Granted, the “Bosstown Dynamics” team goes a little further, hitting the robot while it’s down, properly showing that humanity isn’t to be trifled with:

Corridor’s video gets progressively more and more ridiculous, ramping up to whipping the robot from atop a ladder, spraying paint in its “eyes,” and shooting it with a frickin’ gun. The video finally culminates with the robot rebelling against its creators, escorting them out at gunpoint, and, I’m assuming, going off to create a Skynet-esque robot army that will destroy or enslave humanity.

The very same day of the video’s release, Corridor also uploaded a behind-the-scenes video explaining the entire process which included abusing one of their artists who wore a motion-capture suit and then hours and hours of intense visual effects work.

Thankfully, even though Boston Dynamics is creating robots for the military to use in dangerous combat scenarios, the Atlas robot cannot actually hold a gun or weapons of any kind. Hell, it doesn’t even have fingers.

But that doesn’t stop up from worrying about their non-existent feelings. We all know what will happen when we finally go too far. . .

While the trophies and medals have continued to accumulate, Berry says it’s reactions like that from his dad that brings him the most joy. “That’s the most satisfying thing about the win, to give something back to my dad because without his ingenuity I’d never have been able to play.”

His father not only designed the specialized equipment, but he also got it approved for use by the UK’s governing body, opening the door for Berry to compete in major tournaments around the country.

In his latest triumph, the Irvine Ravenspark Championship, Eddie was once again watching as his son knocked in the winning putt at the 14th green. Both father and son are members at the club, so the win, while gratifying, will likely cost them both a decent bar tab at the clubhouse for the next few weeks.

Berry thanked his father, his fellow competitors as well as his boss, for allowing him the time off to compete in the week-long tournament. Off the links, Berry works as a department leader at Irvine’s Asda supermarket.

In a past interview with the DailyRecord, Berry said: “The only thing I still can’t do is tie my laces but like everyone else in life you get on with what you’ve got,” advice we can all live by.

Cheers to Ally, Eddie and all the other athletes and parents who refuse to let disabilities define their path.

Conceived as a tough-love punishment, Tristan could be in this blissfully peaceful wonderland for hours. Should he come perilously close to missing a meal, he would be forced to survive on an impressive stash of leftover Easter candy and multiple open bags of Doritos.

One hour into the sentence, his dad Bryan took a break from the chores the rest of the family was engaged in and stood outside Tristan’s room for a heart-to-heart.

“I know I’m raising a son who is better behaved than that,” Bryan started. “Now that you’ve had some time to think, do you have something you’d like to say?”

Tristan didn’t respond because his earbuds preventing him from hearing a single word his father said. He eventually left his room hours later, on his own accord, having completely forgotten as to why he was there in the first place.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

You old, that’s what’s up.

Fun fact: it didn’t even start as a commercial! The OG version was an alcohol-free short film called “True” – written and directed by Charles Stone III and starring his childhood friends.

It screened at some film festivals and eventually got noticed by the Chicago ad agency DDB, who brought it to Anheuser-Busch. It was then injected directly into your brain for the next year, or two, as Bud brewed up a series of sequels.

In the beginning, it was kinda fun.

It got countless fan-made spinoffs, like this SuperFriends version:

It eventually got referenced on “The Simpsons,” in Scary Movie, even on “Friends”!

But eventually, we all suffered from Wassup related burnout and Bud finally put it to rest.

Fast forward to 2008 when the original cast clearly wasn’t done with it yet. They created an alcohol-free sequel that showcased our now-older friends coping with the realities of the world, in pretty much the most depressing way possible. Brace yourself. This thing gets dark.

Great, now I’m nostalgic for a time when an overused catchphrase from a commercial was the biggest of my worries.

At least the commercial’s director had some success, going on to direct Drumline with Nick Cannon. Sorry I mentioned Nick Cannon.

I’m really blowing it today.

Thankfully, a group of teenage boys who lived nearby was headed out to the corner store when they noticed the flames coming from Catherine’s house. They immediately sprung into action, one of them running to get help and the other three throwing caution to the wind and trying to get inside.

14-year-old Seth Byrd eventually made his way in through the back door and found Catherine stranded in the hallway amidst the growing smoke. The teenager picked her up and carried her out to safety.

“This young boy was right there,” she said. “He picked me up, and I said, ‘I can walk,’ and he said, ‘We’re getting out of here.'”

Missy Ritchie Nicholas, one of Catherine’s ten kids – TEN KIDS! – wrote a heartfelt blog post thanking the teens for saving her mother:

Dylan Wick – 16 years old, Nick Byrd – 14 years old, Seth Byrd – 16 years old, and Wyatt Hall – 17 years old, thank you! Thank you for your selfless acts of heroism and courage. Thank you for not allowing this to be the tragic end to our mother’s amazing life.

She even thanked the boys’ parents for raising them to put others first.

Thank you to your parents who obviously raised you in such a way that lead to you making life saving and heroic decisions on behalf of someone else.

All ten of Catherine’s kids put their names on the post to thank the boys on their behalf, and on behalf of Catherine’s 42 grandchildren. 42!

Sounds like she may have added another four young boys to the mix.

He surprised his dad on Father’s Day WITH A SUPERBOWL RING! I felt really good about my getting my dad a nice card and taking him out for a nice breakfast for Father’s Day, giving him just what he asked for. But there’s no way that compares to GETTING A SUPER BOWL RING. Not only did Barner ruin Father’s Day gift-giving for us, but he also put himself in a tough spot: what is he supposed to get his dad next year? What gift tops A SUPER BOWL RING???

I would love to know how his mom felt about this since she most likely did not get a SUPER BOWL RING for Mother’s Day.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

My Number 1 inspiration! We made a pact way back in 2004 “You do your part, I do mine, What’s mine is yours and what’s yours mine” we’ve done exactly that! Love you Daddy I could never repay you for everything you have given to me and taught by setting an example on what a father is supposed to look like, be like and do! I never had to look for you because You were at every game, every practice, every sport from NJB, AAU, baseball, and football high school and college all the way up until I made to the league! I love you and thank you if I am half the father you are to me to my kids, they have the second greatest father of all time because I have the GREATEST! Love you Daddy

A post shared by 🔥Kenjon Barner🔥 (@iamkenjonbarner) on Jun 19, 2019 at 3:12pm PDT

Barner posted a picture of his dad wearing the ring from the Patriots and Kenjon’s ring from the Eagles, and included this tribute in the caption:

“I never had to look for you because You were at every game, every practice, every sport from NJB [National Junior Basketball], AAU, baseball, and football high school and college all the way up until I made to the league! I love you and thank you if I am half the father you are to me to my kids, they have the second greatest father of all time because I have the GREATEST! Love you Daddy.”

Awesome way to honor Father’s Day, even if it ruins it for the rest of us.