Dads Are A Bunch Of Bumbling Idiots According To These Stock Photos

Parent gets hit by his daughter on the swing while watching smart phone.
(Parent gets hit by his daughter on the swing while watching smart phone.)

Did you know that dads are ridiculously incompetent buffoons? Obviously we don’t feel that way at The Dad, but if you do your research on dads based only on the stock photos used to represent them, this is the only conclusion you will reach. Let’s take a closer look at some of these idiots.

From the moment a man finds out he is going to be a father, the ridiculousness begins.

(AntonioGuillem/Getty)

His wife is a smiling blissful angel ready to embrace the selfless journey of motherhood. He, on the other hand, is wondering how that baby was made (“Was this because I did a sex?”) and how this will affect his time playing Halo on Xbox Live.

Right from birth, dads are already blowing it big time.

(Jade and Bertrand Maitre/Getty)

This guy has been a dad for literally 7 seconds and he’s already being annoying as heck. Welcome to the world, tiny infant, get used to your dad being a goofy doofus.

Okay so a dad maybe a goofball, but when it comes to the care of his family on a day-to-day basis, he is a responsible contributor around the house, maybe? Turns out no, not at all.

(lukas_zb/Getty)

In fact, some men are SO opposed to housework, they can’t even be in the same room with clothes that are unfolded.

AndreyPopov/
(AndreyPopov/Getty)

“Halt, take these inferior garments from my presence. Return them from whence they came!”

If stock photos teach us anything it is that men must ignore their hardworking women, whatever the cost.

KatarzynaBialasiewicz
(KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty)

This guy has found a way to take actively ignoring his wife to the next level. To the ridiculous, “that-looks-really-uncomfortable-for everyone” level. Because no way is that not affecting his game performance right now.

And while I respect his approach, do you know what the best way to avoid contributing anything is? Just pass out.

(KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty)

Drop your whole, untouched chocolate bar in your chip bowl, wipe your hands on your sleeveless undershirt and go to unconscious-land. She’ll never find you there.

JUST in case it wasn’t clear who the slacker is and who the hero is in this situation, there is a little hint in this photo.

(Robert Daly/Getty)

It’s subtle, I know. But it’s there.

If a dad ever DOES take the leap to try to help with household chores, its sure to end in utter disaster.

(PeopleImages/Getty)

DAD, NO! DAD, DON’T! Dad, you obviously put too much soap in the washer! (also don’t put a kid in there head first blah blah blah…)

So now we have established that men are clearly no help around the house, but at least they can help with parenting, right?

(ferrantraite/Getty)

Wrong-o. Check out this dummy, who apparently doesn’t know how “swings” work and can’t look away from his fantasy football (he’s in last place).

Or there’s this dad, who is excited to watch his kid smash this piggy bank open with a…tiny…sledgehammer?

(Clandestini/Getty)

Because boy does he want to use that 3.25 to get some ice cream without asking mom! Those rascals!

Really any time a dad has to spend with family it is excruciatingly difficult for his puny dad-mind to process.

(Echo/Getty)

“GAHHH my family has needs! They keep talking words at me! They expect me to contribute!” It’s really tragic that this dad is expected to participate on the preparation for a family outing, surely his melodramatic mental breakdown is justified.

But, after all these discouraging failures, there is something we can always count on dads to do right: man the grill.

(Casarsa/Getty)

Uhh… wait. This seems less-than-successful. You know, in his defense, maybe his wife didn’t say “Don’t forget NOT to let little Timmy grill your head again.” She should have reminded him.

Maybe we can still count on dads for the classic man-job of outdoor maintenance and pool care?

(Blend Images/DreamPictures/Getty)

Oh yikes. Dad, wake up from your lazy slime-water nap to save your daughter from jumping into that shallow toxic waste.

Well, okay, they aren’t helpful with housework, parenting, grilling, or yard maintenance but come ON. There has to be something a dad can do right. What about…say, walking?

(KatarzynaBialasiewicz/Getty)

Nope. Not that either.

You got us, stock photos. You really roasted us good.

Jim Gaffigan Has Something to Say About Beer

(Getty/master1305/Tom Briglia)

A general rule of thumb when making small talk: Don’t talk about religion, politics, or beer preferences.

All three are bound to erupt into heated debates. In the dad community beer in particular tends to be an extremely touchy subject. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what makes a beer amazing or downright sacrilegious, and comedian Jim Gaffigan is no different.

You’re either in full agreement with Jim’s purist perspective or cracking your knuckles to write a scathing comment touting your superior craft beer palate.

But that’s the great thing about beer, nay… America. We all have individual tastes. Just because some guy doesn’t share your affinity for a specific brew, that doesn’t mean he’s wrong (even though he is!) It just means you get to connect with someone with a differing perspective, while drinking beer!

So, if you see Jim in a bar, don’t make fun of him for his taste in beer. Instead, buy him a round, and make fun of his age – like an adult.

Cheers, Jim!

Back To School Photo Fails

(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)

Parents love to capture the moment on the first day back to school, but sometimes that moment isn’t what we envisioned. Check out these hilarious back to school photo fails from The Dad community.

(Instagram.com/cheeksmagee)
(Facebook.com/KellySmith)
(Instagram.com/abbyjmccoy)
(Instagram.com/instagramycohen)
(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)
(Instagram.com/JoyScribner)
(Instagram.com/bullitt.with.a.name)
(Facebook.com/KristenMadral)
(Instagram.com/heatherdtomlinson)

Dad Grades – Hal from Malcolm in the Middle

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Years before his dark turn as meth kingpin Heisenberg, Bryan Cranston starred as Hal on the criminally under-appreciated sitcom, Malcolm in the Middle. While his sadistically overbearing wife, Lois, was perpetually at wits end with their four mischievous sons, the much more care-free Hal happily took the passenger seat in their parenting roles.

DAD STRENGTHS

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Hal is a loving husband and father. He shows Lois affection through raw animalistic passion and utter dependence. He even admits to it, once telling Lois that he and their boys are not smart enough to function without her, and in return can only offer his total obedience.

He takes a much calmer, more sympathetic approach to parenting than Lois. She has a short fuse, at the end of which is a barrel of dynamite eager to ground someone for the rest of their life. Hal, conversely, seizes any opportunity to bond with his boys by having a sit-down and doling out fatherly words of wisdom.

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

He’s far more lenient, but will raise his voice and put his foot down when necessary. He’s often creative in his punishments. For example, when Malcolm told him “[bleep] you,” Hal sat him down in the backyard and forced him to look him in the eyes and read aloud a comprehensive list of every vile swear words, teaching him their power.

His biggest strength, however, is his laid-back, often immature attitude. It serves as a refreshing palate cleanser for Lois’ incessant shouting. He is truly the yin to her yang.

DAD WEAKNESSES

He’s more permissive than his wife. In one episode, Hal surprises the boys by letting them skip school to accompany him at some stock car races.

Hal’s lax approach to parenting is, regrettably, his biggest weakness. His spontaneity and often childish behavior sets a bad example for his sons. Case in point: the steamroller. After winning some money on a scratch-off, Hal secretly rents a steamroller.

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

When Dewey catches him, Hal agrees to let him steamroll over Reese’s bike. Ultimately, Hal goes mad with power and Dewey must talk him down from steamrolling a row of cars. Surely this gave Dewey license to misbehave in the future. His impulsive nature is typically harmless, but still sets precedent for the delinquency of his kids.

VERDICT

Despite shortcomings at the cost of his need to be the parent his sons actually like, Hal is a great father. Sure, all four of his sons are rambunctious hellions, disobedient and destructive at every turn, but that’s predominantly the result of their stubborn, temperamental mother. He’s a big-hearted working stiff, determined to provide for his family however dysfunctional they may be.

FINAL DAD GRADE: A-

Dancing Dad Embarrasses Daughter at Baseball Game [VIDEO]

Being a dad involves a lot of anxiety, drudgery, and stress. Sometimes you get to enjoy the perks of parenting, like embarrassing your children on television. Or in the stands at a Cubs game.

Or both!

This dad knows what’s up. He ignores his daughter’s attempts to get him to stop dancing and then doubles down on the silly moves.

Father Figures: Be Positive

“My twin girls (Faye and Felicia) are both autistic.

Felicia was diagnosed before she was three; she’s non verbal and loves life in her own wee bubble. Once she lets you in, it’s amazing. That’s her circle of trust.

Faye is her total opposite, always singing and chatting up a storm. Once they started preschool, we found out that Faye was showing signs of autism that we perhaps overlooked because she was so advanced.

My wife and I, with the assistance of Faye’s teachers, pushed hard to get her assessed, reassessed and diagnosed. Faye is very smart and fooled the specialist in the first assessment regarding extra help in school. We were very lucky when she was diagnosed, because the specialist ASD doctors could still recognize her traits.

It’s been a long journey and no two days are alike. Through it all we’ve learned that Faye is just a younger, female version of her older brother. From her diagnosis, we were able to recognize the ASD traits in Jordan. He is now beginning the diagnostic process.

But long story short, both our girls now attend an autism unit in a special school. It’s a God send and they are both doing great! They turned 6 in August and Jordan will be 11 this December.

Be positive and always make sure your child gets all they need. Raising a child with special needs definitely puts into perspective what’s important in life!

Everything for the kids!”

– Nic Young

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

8-Year-Old Girl Stuns Crowd at Harlem Globetrotters Game [VIDEO]

(YouTube/Harlem Globetrotters)

When the Harlem Globetrotters called Samaya Clark-Gabriel onto the court at halftime of their game, the crowd at Madison Square Garden wasn’t sure what to expect. But at this stage in a Globetrotters game it would certainly take a lot to impress them.

First she just started dribbling.

But then she started dribbling two basketballs at once. And then she started dribbling two basketballs at once while wearing a blindfold. And then she started dribbling two basketballs at once while wearing a blindfold and DOING A SPLIT.

Wow. Did they sign her yet?

Big Dad Rides Small Bike as a Tribute to Late Daughter

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

Peter Williams of Penzance, England is showing incredible strength after the loss of his daughter. On Friday at 10am, he began a 211-mile ride to raise money for The Brain Tumour Charity.

In 2015, Peter lost his 7-year-old daughter, Ellie, to a rare form of brain cancer, only six months after she was diagnosed.

To honor his daughter he decided to begin his ride at Bristol Children’s Hospital where Ellie was treated. He’s also making the entire trip on her little pink bike, which is only 20″ high. Given Peter is 6 feet tall, that’s going to make for an additional challenge, but he’s up for it.

Aside from a small modification to the bike’s seat, he’ll be riding the bike as-is. “My knees clear the handlebars by about half an inch so it’s going to be really tight, but it’s a great bike,” he told the BBC. When he factors in his unique mode of transportation Peter estimates the ride from Bristol to Land’s End will take him a week to complete.

Ellie loved cycling and impressed her dad at age three, when she was able to ride without training wheels.

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

The bike he’ll be riding was her pride and joy – a present she received for her last Christmas.

So far Peter has raised £23,349 (roughly $30K US) through his JustGiving campaign, already doubling his £10,000 target.

What a guy! What a dad! Go, Peter, go!

If you’d like donate to Peter’s campaign, visit his JustGiving page.

If you want to learn more about where the money is going, check out The Brain Tumour Charity.