YOUNGSTOWN, OHIO — Suggesting the tried-and-true path was “antiquated,” local quarantined dad Jeff Murtaugh recently announced that he’s discovered a new, more scenic route from the living room to the bathroom.

“This is a game-changer,” Murtaugh beamed. “For too long this family has been encumbered by the humdrum monotony of the hallway every time nature calls. Those days are done for.”

Murtaugh claims you can make a detour through the dining room, where you’ll find all sorts of chairs and placemat doilies to stand and marvel at for a bit.

“Bathroom ain’t goin’ nowhere,” Murtaugh said, fists rested on hips, admiring a big bowl on fruit in the center of the dining table. “Look at all that fruit,” he added.

Murtaugh knew something was to be done when he witnessed his youngest, Kevin, make a quick dash down the hallway for the restroom.

“I remember shouting to him, hey, where’s the fire?” Murtaugh recalled. “It’s just go go go with kids these days. Whatever happened to taking a moment to stop and smell the mahogany?”

Murtaugh says he hopes others will soon follow suit and learn to forego the recurring tedium of a family portrait-lined hallway in favor of something better.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

The sports world is feeling the crunch of suddenly having absolutely nothing going on. Athletes are creating makeshift sports at home, while fans cling to repeats of The Ocho. Kids got Frozen 2 early and free Amazon content but sports fans have been left in the cold.

Until now.

ESPN as stepped up and is delivering the hotly anticipated, 10-part Michael Jordan documentary months early. It will now be premiering now on April 19th.

The documentary series, The Last Dance, details Jordan’s last season with the Chicago Bulls. For millennial sports fans, it’s tough to understate how big this is. In the late 90s, there was nothing cooler than Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. And with literally nothing else in the sports world even happening, everyone will be tuned in for this. Even the final trailer seems incredible and leaves fans awash in nostalgia for a time when people could actually gather in public.

On April 19 … IT BEGINS 🍿#TheLastDance | @StateFarm pic.twitter.com/BTxWjWyqdY

— ESPN (@espn) March 31, 2020

This is big enough news that even athletes can’t wait for the series. LeBron James is the only basketball player in a generation to even get close to the Jordan discussion (and some may say James is the better player). And even LeBron can’t wait for the documentary.

April 19th can’t come fast enough. I CAN NOT WAIT!! 🗣Yessir!🍿 #LastDance

— LeBron James (@KingJames) March 31, 2020

The 97-98 Bulls was one of the more unique versions of the dynasty, as outside of Jordan you had Steve Kerr (now a wildly successful coach), Scottie Pippen (at the height of his career), Dennis Rodman (before he was a North Korean spokesperson) and Phil Jackson (always the Zen Master). That’s a lot of personalities around the biggest personality in basketball history.

Mark your calendars. #TheLastDance pic.twitter.com/4ARKdzTq6p

— ESPN (@espn)

Celebrities and sports fans were relentless with their calls, so it’s great to see the sports behemoth finally deliver some good news. The subsequent renewal of the Jordan v. LeBron debates should hold us all over until football picks back up in the fall.

RELEASE THE DOC!!! @ESPN These are our March programming demands:

1. The Jordan Doc.
2. re-runs of ‘Cheap Seats’
3. Two free Weeks of ESPN+ (or all episodes of ‘DETAILS’)
4. Re-Air ‘Playmakers’

You have 48 hours to respond https://t.co/vTJjc0RnCi

— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) March 15, 2020

Last week, news came down of Solar Opposites, a new show from the Justin Roiland, the co-creator of Rick and Morty. The show has a very Rick and Morty vibe, complete with the science-fictiony twist about a group of aliens who crash-land on earth and need to make their way in this strange new world.

It feels like Rick and Morty, but it’s not Rick and Morty.

Thankfully, Rick and Morty is coming back, and today they dropped the trailer for the long-awaited batch of episodes that makes up the second half of season four. Rick and Morty: The Other Five looks like more of the same, which is exactly what fans expect, and why they’re so rabid about the show.

The first five episodes of the season saw the pair running through various types of stories, but some fans were disappointed that those outings didn’t seem to connect to the larger story that the show had been building the previous 3 seasons. We’ll see how the second half connects, but there’s one plot point that continues: the search for Summer.

The trailer is set to Thin Lizzy’s rollicking “The Boys are Back in Town” and showcases the titular duo continuing their mission to find Morty’s sister, Summer. The last time we saw the gang, they were hawking Pringles during the Super Bowl, so it’s nice to see them back in their typical surroundings on Adult Swim.

The half-season hits the Cartoon Network on May 3, which is probably going to be exactly when we need some hi-jinx most.

New York City is the new epicenter for COVID-19. The hospitals have been overrun by cases, sirens are the only constant sounds on the streets, and healthcare workers are in desperate need of PPE. And on that last need, one former NYC basketball star is trying to come to the rescue.

Stephon Marbury, a talented baller from Brooklyn who starred for the New York Knicks, is working to negotiate the delivery of 10 million of the much-needed N95 masks, and at a steep discount. Marbury played in the NBA for more than a decade, but it wasn’t until he moved to China that he became a basketball hero.

In China, where he still lives, Marbury became an icon. And as the country of origin for COVID-19, they know a thing or two about fighting the illness. Now that cases are lower in China, they don’t have a significant need for protective equipment. Marbury wants to help move the surplus to his hometown and found a mask supplier willing to sell them at cost (which is about three times cheaper than what NYC has been paying for masks).

“At the end of the day, I am from Brooklyn,” Marbury told the New York Post. “This is something that is close and dear to my heart as far as being able to help New York.”

The basketball legend still has family scattered throughout the city, and recently lost a cousin to the deadly virus. He said he’s working to have the masks delivered in weekly shipments of 2 million.

“I’m trying to help my borough, I’m trying to help New York, I’m trying to help America and provide an access to the masks.”@StarburyMarbury saw firsthand the deadly impact of COVID-19. He has answered his home state’s call for help and is working to provide masks to New York. pic.twitter.com/BC9FKg1tDA

— The Undefeated (@TheUndefeated) March 31, 2020

Marbury has always been a charitable figure, donating frequently to various causes when he was a Knick. This latest act is another testament to the legacy of one of the most important players New York City has ever produced. He wasn’t exactly known for assists, but this one would be a big one that’s never been needed more.

Stephon Marbury was a star in NYC for the Knicks and sold $10 basketball shoes for anyone to buy so that any kid could afford good basketball shoes @StarburyMarbury is one of the best guys the basketball world has https://t.co/qKQPiSPmqo

— Ben Stinar (@BenStinar) March 29, 2020

We here to help as always big brother! https://t.co/8L9kVHNMaU

— I AM PEACE STAR (@StarburyMarbury) March 30, 2020

Who doesn’t love a good game of Jenga? Extracting wooden blocks with the deliberation of an engineer and the hands of a surgeon, moving said blocks to the top of an increasingly rickety structure, and howling like lunatics when the tower inevitably topples over. Everyone emerges the victor, save for one loser tasked with cleaning up the mess they alone made.

It’s a sport of kings.

The only thing that could make it more fun?

Booze.

We’re all familiar with Drunk Jenga, aka Tipsy Tower, a variation that incorporates time-tested drinking game rules. Each block pulled is inscribed with a command, rule, or mini-game. Take shots, give shots, rhyming challenges, things of that nature.

Yeah yeah, we know. It’s been done.

But!

What if we told you someone has integrated Jenga with booze by literally integrating Jenga with booze? Introducing Little Tipsy Jello Shot Towers.

Built and sold by the Etsy store Stone Point Woodwork, the Little Tipsy Jello Shot Tower is exactly what it sounds like. It’s way bigger than your standard-issue Jenga stack, standing at a colossal 27 inches. This is because hidden throughout the 54 blocks are 25 holes in which you can comfortably nestle 25 Jello shots.

Literal game changer.

“Fifteen of the blocks in this tower contains single holes for Jello shots and five of the blocks contain double holes,” reads their Etsy page. “Pull the block with the shot/shots and you take them or share with a friend!”

This update of the Hasbro classic looks like a rollicking good time, and the inclusion of alcohol should pose no safety issues as long as you don’t keep adding to a really high Jenga. Speaking of which, nobody invent High Jenga.

John Krasinski was supposed to be celebrating the premiere of the sequel to his 2018 blockbuster The Quiet Place. Alas, COVID-19 had other plans, and the movie, along with just about every other major studio release slated for this year, was delayed. So, like the rest of us, the former Office star needs to find other ways to fill his time.

Thankfully for us, he decided to do that publicly. And with his famous friends.

The actor/writer/director has started a series on YouTube called “Some Good News,” via which he attempts to spread a little positivity during these trying times. The channel, which only launched yesterday and already has over 650,000 subscribers, features Krasinski himself sharing heartwarming and positive stories of humanity during the pandemic.

His first full episode featured a “visit” from his Entertainment Correspondent and former co-star Steve Carell, aka Michael Scott. Carell appeared on the show to chat with his friend about The Office’s 15th anniversary, and to share some of their favorite moments from the classic sitcom and talk about the enduring bond between the cast members.

The pair had a good time laughing and reminiscing together, and Krasinski also featured an interview with Courtney “Coco” Johnson, a teenager who recently had her last chemotherapy treatment but remains under isolation due to the coronavirus.

Check it out for Some Good News – then around the 5:30 mark John talks Office!

If there was an honorary member to the dad shoe class, Crocs could make a case. It checks all the boxes; they’re comfortable and durable. They’re affordable and easy to clean. Oh, and they’re an awesome company.

The shoe is popular in the medical community, for many of the above reasons. And as our nation’s healthcare workers are facing a pandemic, the shoe company is trying to show its love, by giving away up to 20,000 pairs to healthcare workers daily.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

We are incredibly excited to see our heroes in healthcare receiving their shoes! #CrocNation, please continue to take care of one another and we will continue to donate shoes 💚Due to the incredible response, we are increasing our daily donations to 20,000 pairs starting tomorrow in order to get these on the feet of the people that need them most. See you then at 12 p.m. ET!

A post shared by Crocs Shoes (@crocs) on Mar 31, 2020 at 12:38pm PDT

The president and CEO of Crocs said in a statement the duration of the giveaway to these ‘heroes’ would depend on inventory. But after offering 10,000 daily the first few days the campaign ran – they upped the number to 20k a day.

He also said: “These workers have our deepest respect, and we are humbled to be able to answer their call and provide whatever we can to help during this unprecedented time.”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

To Our Friends in Healthcare, We want to thank you for everything you do, day in and day out, but even more so in these difficult times. Your compassion and selfless care for the people around you is more appreciated than you may know or feel. ​ A special thanks to @drjcofthedc for always inspiring his patients and us, with his amazing energy and positivity.

A post shared by Crocs Shoes (@crocs) on Mar 19, 2020 at 1:25pm PDT

This is the hour where people are rallying to help those on the front lines in any way they can. Maybe it’s free shoes. Or maybe it’s stopping the manufacture of jerseys, opting to make medical masks and PPE. Or maybe it’s donating supplies from your TV show, or making hand sanitizer instead of (or along with) booze.

Companies across the spectrum are doing their part to support those in the pandemic trenches. If you are a healthcare worker (or know one), you can get your free Crocs by going here at 12:00 p.m. ET every day.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

UPDATE: Due to extremely high volume, we have met our daily free pair limit. Please check back tomorrow at 12 p.m. ET to get in line for your free pair! — Now and always, we need to take care of each other. Sending love to you, #CrocNation 💚 And sending free shoes to our frontline heroes in healthcare. Visit our link in bio to request your pair. A very special thanks to our partners @shoecarnival @famousfootwear & @myrackroomshoes for making these donations possible. #CrocsCares​

A post shared by Crocs Shoes (@crocs) on Mar 25, 2020 at 9:42am PDT

If you’re anything like me, this quarantine has got you pretty bored.

Sure, there are jobs to be done, and homeschooling to help with, and parenting to half-ass, but there’s also a fair amount of free time that can’t be filled with trips to our favorite restaurants or bars or movie theaters or concert venues or friends’ places. We’re all stuck inside, killing time with Netflix and jigsaw puzzles.

Thankfully, streaming services have stepped up to offer as much content as they can, both new and old, artists and musicians and streaming performances on Instagram and YouTube. You can even find stripped-down versions of late-night shows, with hosts like Seth Myers and Jimmy Kimmel speaking to viewers from their homes.

You can even hear podcasts featuring your favorite animated characters, like Stewie and Brian from Family Guy.

Like the rest of us, Stewie and Brian are bored AF, stuck inside, looking for ways to entertain themselves, so they’ve started a quarantine podcast. Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane posted an image of Brian wearing a mask on Instagram to announce the podcast: “Stewie and Brian made a podcast. Check it out on IGTV.”

Stewie and Brian, of course, are both voiced by MacFarlane himself, as is Peter Griffin, who also appears on the show. Aside from the usual Family Guy-style tomfoolery, the podcast actually offers some resources, with characters offering tips for staying occupied, telling listeners not to hoard supplies, and exhorting listeners to stay home.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Seth MacFarlane (@macfarlaneseth) on Mar 25, 2020 at 6:48pm PDT

MacFarlane also posted a drawing of Stewie and exhorted people to stay home and be safe.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

For this brief duration: STAY HOME. You may feel healthy. You may BE healthy. The vast majority of COVID-19 cases are mild or asymptomatic. But you still may be a carrier, and you could pass it on to someone more vulnerable to it. This is not the apocalypse. The world has seen pandemics before. This will pass, and life will return to normal. But if you don’t make a temporary life adjustment during this pause, you will be helping to increase the likelihood that this disease will spread, resulting in the inability of hospitals to care for the number of serious cases. You can choose to help save lives, or to disregard them. So for the sake of those most exposed to harm, stay home if you have the means. There are people who don’t have that option — from doctors to firefighters to transit workers to all those who don’t have the financial luxury that perhaps you do — and you will increase their exposure as well if you insist on going to that bar. A virus is not invincible. It can be suffocated, but only with a communal effort can we do so with speed and efficiency, and without buying 100 rolls of toilet paper. Be responsible, and it will pay off.

A post shared by Seth MacFarlane (@macfarlaneseth) on Mar 15, 2020 at 12:33pm PDT

According to TV Guide, Family Guy is one of the few shows still in production, with the animators collaborating over a shared storyboard program called Toon Boom. So maybe we’ll get some new episodes soon.

But until then, we’ve got the podcast!

As social distancing continues to reveal itself as one sobering inconvenience after the next, it’s crucial we keep wringing what chuckles we can from the circumstances dealt.

While we heed stern warnings to keep minimum distances of six feet between one another, two brilliant LA-based artists, Paco Conde and Roberto Fernandez, wanted to reinforce this message. They tasked themselves with modernizing classic album covers so that they adhere to CDC safety guidelines.

From their website:

“A collection of iconic album covers redesigned to raise awareness about the importance of staying at least 6 feet away from each other, to stop the spread of Coronavirus.

Social distancing is the new normal and it will be for a while. 6 feet or 1.8 meters is the distance that experts recommend we keep between each other.

We will rock again soon. Just remember to keep the 6 feet distance. It will save lives.​

On top of keeping your distance, please do support local charities like Feeding America.

Their work is crucial for some of the most vulnerable people struggling with the economic effects of Coronavirus.”

(We took the liberty of retooling a popular lyric from each band to do the same.)

“Ladies, leave ya man at home. Come to think of it, you too. Both of you just stay home please.”

“Stone me, sure, but I must kindly ask you NOT spit in my eye, thank you”

“You can go your own way, just keep 6′ behind anyone else going theirs”

“Call me! Or text. Just, like, do not come over.”

“Come together. Wait, no, nevermind. Don’t.”

“Strumming my pain with his I HOPE recently-washed fingers.”

“F*** the CO-VID.”

“I wanna be sedated. This one works as is.”

“Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud but like cover your mouth if that’s no too much trouble.”

Check out many more of these clever reimaginings on Paco and Roberto’s website, 6 Feet Covers.

“My son had a neonatal stroke at birth, which damaged the left side of his brain. He went to Sick Kids to get his seizures under control. Once regulated, we went back home.

Over the years, he never had a seizure while awake and did everything what a kid does: play video games (his favorite was TMNT 3 on the NES), learned Muay Thai, and is a big cuddler.

He had seizures only at night ranging 5 to 10 a night and we had to take a decision that led to his hemispherectomy (cut half the brain out). This had side effects, including paralyzing his right arm.

He still wants to play video games, so I do the buttons while he maneuvers the character. He also still does Muay Thai and cuddles.

He has rough patches due to being disabled, but showing positive support he retains a positive outlook on life and pushes through every obstacle.”

– Gabriel Blouin

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here