At least the dad tax won't get me arrested for trying my best

There's only one man for the job

Enjoy these red shells, sucker.

They only make the big ones so you buy them accidentally and then have to go back to buy even more paper towels.

The universal sign for "I need a beer"

There's a reason your mac & cheese tastes better than the exact same kind at their friend's house.

It's the proper news watching stance.