10 Kid Snacks You’ll Eat Like A Rodent Scavenger


Move over Guy Fieri, it’s me: a parent willing to devour any chunk of processed garbage I find in the crevices of the backseat of my minivan. Okay, I wouldn’t eat Crevice Snacks (at least not without a Food Network contract), but I have sampled – even enjoyed – a cornucopia of snacks a more sophisticated (aka, lame) adult would miss out on. Sometimes parenting is a tough gig, but if we’re being honest, the always-available snacks are a perk.

1 Fruit Snacks: Fruit's Very Distant Cousin

Here’s one of life’s great mysteries: Why are gummies in a plastic pouch a healthy snack, but once they take bear-form, they become candy? Who cares?! Give me all the red ones or you’re grounded.


2 Lunchables, For When You're Lunch-unable.

Me at the grocery store: Why would I spend $3 on some weird meat and crackers and a heap of plastic when I could make this myself so easily.

Me at home, reaching for my kid’s Lunchable at midnight: It would ruin my life to cut up meat and cheese and open a sleeve of crackers right now.


3 Liquid Sugar In A Pouch

I don’t know why sugar water tastes so much better sucked through a straw out of a foil pouch, but I’ll slam a whole box of these at your summer barbecue. 12 come in a box, 1 for each of my kids and 10 for me.


4 Granola Bars AKA Hanger Stavers

Granola bars are one of those snacks we buy for kids because the word granola is healthy, and we’re happy to ignore that the granola is held together with what is essentially glue made out of high fructose corn syrup. Anyway, these babies come in CLUTCH when you’re on a family outing and the Hanger kicks in.

(Getty/Jean Pierre Pinochet)

5 I love the fishes because they're so readily available.

Let’s be real, these are not so delicious. If you enjoy chewing on cardboard with a vaguely cheesy aftertaste that lingers for hours, good for you. For the rest of us, we eat goldfish crackers because, if we don’t, they’ll end up ground up in the carpet.

(Getty Images/Garrett Aitken)


As an adult with high cholesterol, I try not to eat fast food; but as a parent, it is my privilege, NAY, MY RIGHT, to freely take from my kids’ kid’s meals. We’ve been ordering the 6-piece McNugget Happy Meal for awhile but my son still thinks it’s 4-piece. Please do not tell him. Honorable mention to the french fries at the bottom of the bag which are all for me and whose calories stop counting once they fall out of their little fry bag.


7 Gimme Some Of Your Tots

My kids won’t laugh at my Napoleon Dynamite tots voice, and as punishment I eat all their tots. I don’t know why potatoes in other shapes are grown up and these thick potato cylinders are just for kids, but I’m thankful I’m a parent so I have tot access (and someone to carry on my legacy or whatever – but mostly the tots).


8 Hunks Of Cheese

When I’m tired of processed pantry snacks I reach into the cheese drawer for one or two or three of these. More often though, I’m mindlessly devouring a half-eaten string cheese I find on the corner of the coffee table, sweaty and warm from the hours its spent abandoned there.


9 My Daily Dose Of Calcium And Vitamin D

Drinking a children’s drink out of a tiny cup doesn’t make you any less of a man. You can keep your whiskey neat, give me a damn glass of ice cold chocolate milk and I will drink that shit until I get a belly ache.


10 Kid Cereal? More Like Late Night Cereal

I can’t eat my kid’s cereal in the morning. I’m not diabetic but that amount of sugar early in the day will put me in a diabetic coma. But you know late at night I’m up in the pantry pouring Coco Puffs, Lucky Charms, or Cinnamon Toast Crunch into the largest mixing bowl I can find, only to play dumb in the morning when my kid asks why there’s only bottom-of-the-box cereal powder left.


Before you side eye me, remember: Judge not, lest ye be judged. Let he who has not scooped a bite of cold mac ‘n’ cheese with hot dogs out of a plastic bowl left out on the counter for a few hours after dinner cast the first stone. Admit it, you’ve had all these snacks and sometimes you even liked them. One day our kids will move out and we’ll be faced with the dilemma of whether we buy this shit for ourselves or not. Until then, we’ll just have to keep sampling all of our kid’s snacks to… uhh… make sure it’s not poisonous.

Woman Rides Horse Into Miami Nightclub, Goes Buck Wild

(Getty Images/123ducu)

Welcome to Miami

When Lebron made his Decision to take his talents to South Beach, it seemed like a pretty good call. He’d spent his entire life in Ohio, who wouldn’t want to move down to Miami and live it up?

Miami has a lot to offer, especially when you’re young and rich. Beautiful weather, beautiful beaches, beautiful women, beautiful horses grinding on the dance floor…

Wait, what?

According to Yahoo, a few weekends ago at Mokai Lounge in Miami Beach, club-goers were treated to the arrival of a gorgeous white horse on the dance floor, complete with a half-naked rider on its back. It seems like the horse was part of a promotion of some kind, but things didn’t exactly go as planned.


“People go to nightclubs to have a good time, enjoy drinks with friends, dance and party. This environment is by no means a place for ANY animal or wildlife,” the Change.org petition read.

Well duh. It seems everyone knew that except the people who decided to trot the horse out there. Even the horse itself was confused by the situation, and that confusion quickly turned into something much worse as the horse got spooked, probably when the bass dropped.

The animal began, understandably, freaking out, tossing the scantily-clad model off its back and trying to find a door. Not unlike the way I react anytime I find myself in a club at my age.

Thankfully, the horse was not hurt, nor was anyone else, though authorities were decidedly unhappy about the incident.

“I was disgusted and offended that any legitimate businessperson would think this was an appropriate action to take,” City Manager Jimmy Morales said in a statement after the incident. “This activity was not permitted, and as soon as we became aware, I immediately instructed staff to act swiftly in remedying this situation.”


The club was temporarily shut down over the incident, and the marketing director was suspended without pay. Which may not be enough, based on reports that this wasn’t the first time Mokai had wild animals on the dance floor.

Before it reopens, Mokai’s owners must pay some hefty fines and were forced to promise there will be no more animals allowed.

Aside from service animals and your one friend who had a few too much Hennessy.

Essential Oils May Make Boys Grow Breasts

(Getty Images/Madeleine_Steinbach)

One more reason to save your money

Essential oils have become a bit of a craze recently, with everyone from your aunt Linda to your old college roommate to your wife crowing about the benefits of lavender and tea tree and, what, daisies? Maybe baby head?

I don’t know a lot about this stuff. I assume they’re infused with whatever scents women enjoy having in their soaps and shampoos and lotions.

I don’t know much about them because I’m a dude, and thus far my wife has avoided the craze, so I’ve dodged that bullet.


And thank Jeebus for that, because according to science, it seems I’ve dodged another pair of bullets as well.

The BBC reports that scientists have found links between the chemicals in essential oils and abnormal breast growth in young boys.

Turns out there are eight chemicals in the oils that interfere with hormones, boosting estrogen and decreasing testosterone. The good news is that the symptoms fade once exposure stops, the bad news is scientists still aren’t entirely sure how safe essential oils actually are.


“Our society deems essential oils as safe. However, they possess a diverse amount of chemicals and should be used with caution because some of these chemicals are potential endocrine disruptors,” says J. Tyler Ramsey, the report’s lead scientist, from the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences (NIEHS).

The article points out that there is more than study that supports this link between essential oils and male hormones and Ramsey urges additional study. “Lavender oil and tea tree oil pose potential environmental health concerns and should be investigated further,” he stated.

I agree, but to be totally honest, he had me at “abnormal breast growth” in young boys.

This Day In Internet History – March 20, 2005: Chuck Norris Facts


Powerful, rugged, virile, invincible.

These adjectives don’t even come close to describing the manliest beefcake to ever karate kick his way into our hearts, Mr. Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris. Today, we celebrate Chuck Norris “facts” — a series of satirical and exaggerated claims designed to bust our guts and blow our minds about our favorite bearded action star.

Everyone knows at least one Chuck Norris fact, but did you know that the Chuck Norris Facts meme didn’t even start with Chuck Norris? It started with, believe it or not, Vin Diesel. In 2005, Diesel was the action star of the moment. However, on the Internet forum SomethingAwful, commenters vigorously debated whether he was worthy of the praise. According to The Daily Dot, “the forum members began attributing strange ‘facts’ to Diesel, funny but impossible feats of strength, intelligence, and prowess.”

On March 20, 2005, a Vin Diesel random fact generator was created, but Diesel just wasn’t a powerful enough figure in our culture’s imagination to merit the honor. It was a disaster, and only one person could save the day: Chuck Motherflippin’ Norris. When Diesel was replaced with Mr. Delta Force himself, the meme went berserk. Thirteen years later, it is legendary.

Let’s celebrate with some of our favorite Chuck Norris facts!

Kids Get Middle-of-the-Night Revenge On Screen-Monitoring Mom

(Getty Images/Andrew Francis Wallace)

Her tweet describing their ploy went viral

Parents everywhere struggle with their kids’ addiction to their devices. In a world in which our children rely on smartphones and tablets for everything from communication to education to entertainment, making sure our kids don’t melt their brains is harder than ever.

One mom thought she’d found a solution, but her kids turned the tables.

In a tweet that has gone viral in a big way, Twitter user @MGigger explained how she tries to make sure her kids don’t use their phones and iPads when they should be in bed.

Unfortunately, they found a devious way to make her plan backfire.

They know that Mom takes they cellphones and other electronic devices into her room overnight, and one night, in anticipation of the confiscation, they planned a little surprise for her:


“I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.”

Her tweet has nearly 150,000 likes and 47,000 RTs as users marvel at her kids ingenuity and also, in typical 2018 fashion, bash her parenting.

Some people responded to her tweet and accused her of violating her children’s trust, some that she doesn’t trust their judgment, and others objected to her calling them “little assholes” in her tweet. But she stands by her parenting.

A high school teacher, she knows how detrimental late-night phone usage is for kids trying to learn the next day, so, like any well-meaning parent, she’s trying her best to prevent her kids from spending all night playing Candy Crush.

Sounds like a good strategy to me! She just needs to turn off the volume next time.