December Streaming Guide: What’s New On Netflix, Amazon, and HBO.

The Dad Approved December Streaming Picks

Dads don’t always get to control the remote, so when the time comes, we need to be ready. Here are our picks for the best movies and shows coming to Netflix, Amazon Prime and HBO Now this month. (We know it’s December, but we’re mostly skipping the holiday stuff. You’ve seen ’em.)


These are great for the whole family. Ideal for that night you come home with the perfect Christmas tree, set it up in the corner, and collectively decide that you’re too tired to decorate it yet.


Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs (December 1st)
One of the first in the recent trend of kid’s movies being way funnier than you’d think they could be.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs Laugh

Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle (December 7th)
This movie hasn’t gotten much attention in the wake of the Disney “Live Action” Jungle Book movie, but is directed by motion capture master Andy Serkis, and features Christian Bale, Cate Blanchet, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Serkis himself in a more faithful adaptation of the original Kipling stories.

Voltron Legendary Defender: Season 8 (December 14th)
We’re not going to say it’s as good as the one we watched when we were kids, but it’s not like we’re gonna just…not watch Voltron.

Actual footage of my kid getting home for winter break. (Giphy)

3Below: Tales From Arcadia (December 21st)
Guillermo Del Toro’s second show in set in the Trollhunters universe, about rogue aliens on the run from bounty hunters (awesome). Reasonably sure nobody will fall in love with a fish here,  but you just never know with this guy.

Avengers: Infinity War (December 25th)
Disney is planning to snatch all their Marvel and Star Wars movies back for their own streaming service, so check out the ultimate superhero showdown before it’s gone in a….you know…

Thanos-Snap Comic
( Robinson IV - Jim Starlin, George Perez, Ron Lim)

Amazon Prime:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (December 1st)
Remember when Raphael said a bad word in the first five minutes, and it was like “whoa, this is different than the cartoon?”  Anyway, if you miss the days of rubber suit ninja action, this will probably blow your kids’ minds.

Groundhog Day (December 1st)
“Ok, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties cause it’s coooooold out there today.”

Groundhog Day Winter

The Dark Crystal (December 1st)
Jim Henson’s successful attempt to live forever in our nightmares is a family classic, apparently.

The Dark Crystal Mouth Muppet

The Naked Gun Trilogy (December 1st)
Ok, these are maybe, technically, probably not suitable for kids. Like, at all. But let’s be real, your dad probably showed them to you when you were too young, and it’s those traditions that makes the holidays special.

HBO Now:

The Land Before Time (All 2,000 of them available December 1st)
Don Bluth is a legend, and the first adventure of Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Spike, and Petrie is a must-see! The other entries in the series…also exist.

Ready Player One (December 8th)
Every 80s kid’s favorite director made a movie for aughts kids.

Spider-Man Spielberg
This is pretty much how it happened. (ImageFlip)


The Dad After Dark:

Check out these titles after the kids go to bed. Assuming you are still awake yourself, that is.


The Big Lebowski (December 1st)
Sam Elliot hasn’t aged in 20 years, which is something we’re looking into. Also, you know, this is one of the best comedies ever made, so.

The Dude Abides

Friday (December 1st)
You know the meme, but have you seen the original? This classic comedy is still leaving it’s mark on pop culture, 23 years later. Don’t believe us? Bye, Felicia.


Terminator Salvation (December 1st)
Is this movie good? Is that really what’s important here? As the entry in the franchise that you probably didn’t pay actual money to go see, it’s the ideal “too tired to pay attention to anything” entertainment choice. Plus, if enough people watch this, maybe they’ll bring back the actually great Sarah Conner Chronicles.

District 9 (December 4th)
The best father/son shrimp monster relationship in movie history.

District 9

The American Meme (December 7th)
This might end up being the most fun or most depressing thing you ever watch, depending on your relationship with social media. Great if you need a reminder why it’s good to limit your kids’ screen time.

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale (Available December 14th)
If you are getting some strong Buffy vibes from this take on the Archie comic universe, you’re not alone. In fact, Buffy/Angel star Alexis Denisof is joining the cast for season 2. But first, step back in time with this holiday special that’s sure add some Halloween spirit to the holiday…ahem…solstice season.

Springsteen on Broadway (December 16th)
Oh, is the Boss performing a special Tony Award winning solo show about his relationship with his father? Cool. Cool cool cool. We’re just gonna be chopping some onions over here, don’t mind us.


Theory of Everything (December 16th)
“However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at.” – Stephen Hawking, winner of The Dad’s first-ever Father of the Space Time Continuum Award.

Amazon Prime:

The Game (December 1st)
Before escape rooms were a thing, this David Fincher thriller had Michael Douglas on the run in a maybe real/maybe not race to escape his father’s legacy. It’s the most fun you probably don’t want to actually have.

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Season 2 (December 5th)
If Tony Shaloub in this series isn’t your Dad Goals inspiration, then what are you even doing?

Mrs Maisel Dad

Hereditary (December 27th)
Here’s the thing. Don’t watch this movie. Is it a well made, wonderfully acted, beautifully shot piece of cinema that tells a compelling story of grief, depression, and the impact parents have on our lives? Yes, absolutely, it’s one of the best films of the year. Do we wish we could burn it from our memory and wash our eyeballs in bleach after seeing it? 100%. Even if you don’t mind gore, and could watch brainless teenagers get off’d at summer camp all day long, trust us. This is not that kind of horror movie. Real talk, parent-to-parent: This movie. Is. Upsetting.

Hereditary Dad

HBO Now:

Inception (December 1st)
Leonardo DiCaprio folds a city in half in order to get back to his kids, when they could have just easily come to him, but didn’t because they’re stubborn. One of the most honest stories of fatherhood ever told.

So there you have it! The Dad’s binge watch guide to get your family through the winter. Now, these are just the titles we don’t want you to miss. But if you’ve got vacation time coming up…

The Full List

Here’s all of it!


December 1st

  • 8 Mile
  • Astro Boy
  • Battle
  • Bride of Chucky
  • Christine
  • Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
  • Crossroads: One Two Jaga
  • Friday
  • Friday After Next
  • Hellboy
  • Man vs Wild with Sunny Leone, season 1
  • Meet Joe Black
  • Memories of the Alhambra (streaming every Saturday)
  • My Bloody Valentine
  • Next Friday
  • Reindeer Games
  • Seven Pounds
  • Shaun of the Dead
  • Terminator Salvation
  • The Big Lebowski
  • The Great British Baking Show: Masterclass, season 5
  • The Last Dragon
  • The Man Who Knew Too Little

December 2nd

  • The Lobster

December 3rd

  • Blue Planet II, season 1
  • Hero Mask
  • The Sound of Your Heart: Reboot, season 2

December 4th

  • District 9

December 6th

  • Happy!, season 1

December 7th

  • 5 Star Christmas
  • Bad Blood
  • Dogs of Berlin
  • Dumplin’
  • Free Rein: The Twelve Neighs of Christmas
  • Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle
  • Nailed It! Holiday!
  • Neo Yokio: Pink Christmas
  • Pine Gap
  • ReMastered: Who Killed Jam Master Jay?
  • Super Monsters and the Wish Star
  • The American Meme
  • The Hook Up Plan (Plan Coeur)
  • The Ranch: Part 6

December 9th

  • Sin senos sí hay paraíso, season 3

December 10th

  • Michael Jackson’s This Is It

December 11th

  • Vir Das: Losing It

December 12th

  • Back Street Girls: Gokudols
  • Out of Many, One

December 13th

  • Wanted, season 3

December 14th

  • Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale
  • Cuckoo, season 4
  • Dance & Sing with True: Songs
  • Fuller House, season 4
  • Inside the Real Narcos
  • Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons, season 3
  • Prince of Peoria: A Christmas Moose Miracle
  • Roma
  • Sunderland Til I Die
  • The Fix
  • The Innocent Man
  • The Protector
  • Tidelands
  • Travelers, season 3
  • Voltron: Legendary Defender, season 8

December 16th

  • Baby Mama
  • Kill the Messenger
  • One Day
  • Springsteen on Broadway
  • The Theory of Everything

December 18th

  • Baki
  • Ellen DeGeneres: Relatable
  • Terrace House: Opening New Doors: Part 5

December 21st

  • 3Below: Tales of Arcadia
  • 7 Days Out
  • Back With the Ex
  • Bad Seeds
  • Bird Box
  • Derry Girls
  • Diablero
  • Greenleaf, season 3
  • LAST HOPE: Part 2
  • Perfume
  • Sirius the Jaeger
  • Struggle: The Life and Lost Art of Szukalski
  • Tales by Light, season 3
  • The Casketeers
  • Wolf (BÖRÜ)

December 23rd

  • Watership Down

December 24th

  • Hi Score Girl
  • The Magicians, season 3

December 25th

  • Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown, season 11
  • Marvel Studios’ Avengers: Infinity War

December 26th

  • Alexa & Katie, season 2
  • YOU

December 28th

  • Instant Hotel
  • La noche de 12 años
  • Selection Day
  • When Angels Sleep
  • Yummy Mummies

December 30th

  • The Autopsy of Jane Doe

December 31st

  • The Bill Murray Stories: Life Lessons Learned From a Mythical Man

Amazon Prime:

December 1st

  • A Clockwork Orange
  • A Fish Called Wanda
  • A Fistful of Dollars (Per un pugno di dollari)
  • All the President’s Men
  • Bad Girls from Mars
  • Because I Said So
  • Bestseller
  • Beverly Hills Vamp
  • Blue Hill Avenue
  • Boogie Nights
  • Bright Lights, Big City
  • Event Horizon
  • Gargoyle
  • Groundhog Day
  • Happily N’Ever After
  • Happily N’Ever After 2
  • Hitman’s Run
  • King of the Mountain
  • Line of Duty
  • Livin’ by the Gun
  • Margin Call
  • Mars Attacks!
  • Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult
  • Ordinary People
  • Promised Land
  • Silent Tongue
  • Sleepover
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  • The Black Stallion
  • The Dark Crystal
  • The Firm
  • The Game
  • The Godson
  • The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
  • The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
  • Trucks
  • Ulee’s Gold
  • Valkyrie
  • War
  • Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins
  • Wild Wild West
  • Windtalkers

December 5th

  • The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, season 2

December 7th

  • Killers
  • Why Did I Get Married Too?

December 8th

  • Before I Fall
  • Collide

December 14th

  • LOL: Last One Laughing, season 1

December 15th

  • 4 Blocks, season 2
  • Life of Crime, Mini-series

December 16th

  • Evan Almighty

December 19th

  • A Most Wanted Man

December 21st

  • Life Itself
  • Vanity Fair, season 1

December 25th

  • Iron Man 2

December 27th

  • Hereditary

December 28th

  • Niko and the Sword of Light, season 2


December 1st

  • An Innocent Man
  • The Best Man
  • The Book of Eli
  • Bootmen
  • Dave
  • Dawn of the Dead
  • George A Romero’s Land of the Dead
  • Get Him to the Greek
  • Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
  • The Hangover
  • He’s Just Not That Into You
  • Inception
  • The Land Before Time
  • The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure
  • The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving
  • The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists
  • The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island
  • The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock
  • The Land Before Time VII: Stone of Cold Fire
  • The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze
  • The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water
  • The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration
  • Legend of the Guardians The Owls of Ga’Hoole
  • Light It Up
  • Lost River
  • Mi tesoro (aka My Treasure)
  • Rampage
  • Vida en Marte (aka Life on Mars)

December 2nd

  • Camping, season 1 finale

December 3rd

  • Say Her Name: The Life and Death of Sandra Bland

December 4th

  • HBO First Look: Mortal Engines

December 6th

  • Traffik

December 7th

  • Ice Box

December 8th

  • Ready Player One

December 10th

  • Vice Special Report: The Panic Artists
  • My Brilliant Friend, season 1 finale
  • My True Brilliant Friend

December 11th

  • Momentum Generation

December 14th

  • Room 104, season 2 finale

December 14th

  • High & Mighty

December 14th

  • Vice, season 6 finale

December 15th

  • Blockers

December 15th

  • Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

December 16th

  • Magnifica, season 3 finale

December 17th

  • Bleed Out

December 21st

  • En El Septimo Dia (aka On the Seventh Day)

December 22nd

  • Isle of Dogs

December 23rd

  • Sally4Ever, season 1 finale

So, now it should be easy to make a decision, right?


Inception Top

Screentime: The Lego Movie – Building Something That Lasts

(YouTube//Warner Bros Pictures)

A Foregone Conclusion

For my final Screentime column, I wanted to talk about a movie that meant something to me personally. I considered picking something from my own childhood, maybe the first movie I saw in a cinema (Aladdin), or some obscurity that we just happened to own on VHS (1997’s MouseTrap, for example). But this column isn’t about looking back, about my own nostalgia. It’s about what kids movies mean to me now. How I interpret them today, as a 30-year old in 2018. As a father. So instead, I want to talk about The Lego Movie.

The Lego Movie was always going to have a special place in my heart: It was created with me in mind. I’ve always been a huge Lego nerd, and a lot of my happiest memories as a child center around that Danish construction toy. The directors, Phil Lord & Chris Miller, know their audience and pepper the film with references to Lego ephemera old and new, general and specific. For me, the film mines nostalgia in way that’s so precise as to feel personal. Many of the Lego sets that I grew up with are featured, and seeing details like the tiny break in Benny’s helmet feel like I’m hearing the fragment of the theme song from a long-forgotten, but much-beloved show from my childhood.

For my daughter, the thrill comes not only in seeing the toy she loves to play with come to life, but also in seeing the mashup of culture that Lego’s exhaustive brand relationships allows. Seeing Batman for the first time elicited a laugh from her, and every time he appeared on screen thereafter she would confidently inform me that “That’s Batman” or “Batman’s being silly.”

(YouTube//Movieclips Coming Soon)

Beyond Reference

This combination of general pop culture nostalgia and specific Lego fandom was enough to get me to buy a ticket way back in the halcyon days of 2014. Lord & Miller would have known this. Lego, backed by generations of devoted fans, was a pretty safe topic for a movie. That’s why so many of these branded tie-ins are so bad. The product is already so popular there’s no need to make the movie good. You sell tickets just based on the thing’s existence. A lesser creative team would have taken this route. Play up the nostalgia, throw in as many simple gags, memes, and winking references as you can and call it a day.

That approach may get butts in seats, it may pay the bills, but it doesn’t get people coming back. It doesn’t make for a cultural experience that affects people, that elicits emotions, that lasts.

The reason movie studios can so easily leverage those cultural touchstones, the reason that we will buy a ticket for The Lego Movie simply because its The Lego Movie, is that these references are shorthand for something deeper, something more personal and more meaningful. Lord & Miller understood this, and understood why it was important. A Lego brick, or the Batman logo, or the Thundercats theme; these things are like snapshots, reminding us of memories and feelings we used to have. But their thin evocations pale in comparison with what we’re searching for, which is to feel those feelings again.

It is obvious that Lord & Miller are, themselves, huge fans of Lego. They understand this longing. They understand that these trappings of memory are not enough. The simple fact that we all know and remember the shape & colors of a Lego minifig isn’t enough. What truly binds us to these commonalities is the actions they evoke. The sight of a Lego brick brings to mind the action of building with it, the feel of it in your hands. So rather than simply show you the object of nostalgia, The Lego Movie places the act of building, the act that binds Lego fans across the world together, centrally not only in its narrative (more on that later) but into the way the film itself is constructed. Watching The Lego Movie is the nearest you can come to actually playing with Lego without, you know, actually playing with Lego.

This raises the movie beyond an act of mere reference. It is not just paying lip service to the things we love, but actively evoking them.

(YouTube//Warner Brothers Pictures)

Building Something That Lasts

Most creators would be happy with this achievement, with turning a corporate exercise into an act of love, with transforming cynical reference, alchemy like, into passionate evocation. But Lord & Miller know that even this isn’t enough. Playing on familiar brands & ideas was enough to summon an audience, elevating that reference into something deeper was enough to turn that audience into a fanbase. But in order to turn those fans into devotees, people who watch the film not once, but 183 times, people who do deep dives into the film’s mythology, you need something more.

The films that last are the films inspire people, films that change the way people think, the way they feel. Films that say something.

Because while quick jokes or nostalgic brands or memes may make us smile, the media that stops us in our tracks, the media that we tell others about, the media that we return to again and again and again, are the films or TV shows or websites that present us with an idea we’d never considered before, an idea that scares us, an idea that changes how we look at the world, even just a little bit.

So Lord & Miller took the audience they built with their attention to detail, with their love of Lego, and they told us some things. They told us not only that “Chosen One” type stories (Harry Potter, The Matrix, Star Wars) are ridiculous and undramatic, but also the exact ways in which they are toxic. They told us that individualism is doomed to failure, but we still need to embrace each other’s unique perspectives and talents. They told us that Lego and life is about ever-changing creation and innovation, not unbending rules and inflexible ideas. And they told us that we were playing with Lego wrong.

Think about that last one. They took a movie designed to appeal to 30-something nerds. The kind of guys who spent hundreds of dollars on a Lego Millenium Falcon to display in their home. They took a movie created with those specific guys in mind. And they used that movie to tell their audience they were wrong.

And their audience loved them for it.

Because what Lord & Miller understand is this: If you love something, be it Lego, or Paw Patrol, or your kids, you think about it a lot. You are passionate about it. And that passion means you cannot be neutral about it. You have strongly held opinions and beliefs, and you want to fight for those beliefs. And when you see someone else fighting, arguing passionately that Lego is to be built with, not to be displayed, you know that that person loves Lego too, just like you.


The Dad Upstairs

Of course, the Lego movie is about one more thing. One thing I didn’t mention earlier. It’s about being a parent. About playing with your kids and listening to them and embracing what makes them special and unique. Its about treating your kids with love and respect, like the little people they are, not the annoyance they can be.

Because Lego, like Kung Fu Panda and Spirit: Riding Free and Tangled and Frozen and Elf and The Muppets and How To Train Your Dragon and Moana and Trolls and The Wiggles and Winnie The Pooh and Paw Patrol and The Lego Movie, is for kids. That’s what makes it so important. That’s why its worth fighting for, and about. Because as a parent you want to build something that lasts. You want to instill your kid with passion and strength and love and hope. And media is one of the most powerful tools we can use to do that. Which makes it one of the most important things in the world.

(YouTube//Warner Brothers Pictures)

Screentime: 3 Possible Explanations Of Paw Patrol

(Nick Jr)

We don’t watch Paw Patrol in my house. I tell my wife and daughters that it’s because I find it annoying, or see nothing of value in it, or whatever. But the truth is, it terrifies me. To watch an episode is to be trapped in a world where something has gone horribly wrong with no clue as to what or why. Here are a few theories as to what may have happened.

Here we go. (YouTube//FunCartoons)

1- Scientific Experimentation Gone Wrong

The talking dogs are a dead giveaway. Clearly, something has happened to disturb the natural order of things. Some mutation has given Man’s Best Friend the power not only of speech, but of complex reasoning. It’s obvious that this was a deliberate act, a contagion released into the environment by some well-meaning, but deeply misguided scientist. The order of beings it effects are just too convenient. Dogs and Cats but not Birds or Fish. Someone with a brilliant mind and an attachment to pets so deep that they were compelled to elevate those creatures to become man’s intellectual equal, regardless of the cost.

And truly, the costs were terrible. It was not only the animals’ minds that were effected. Many humans, once proud, upstanding members of society, have been reduced to drooling imbeciles by the contagion. Capt’n Turbot, once an esteemed marine biologist, is reduced to relying on a preteen boy and his pets for survival. Almost every adult we meet in the show is like this. Helpless, adrift. Unable to survive, let alone govern or breed, on their own, they must turn to their pets. Once their playthings, these creatures have become their only chance of living through the day.

Prediction: If this theory is true, we should soon start to see the infrastructure of Adventure Bay start to deteriorate, as the mentally impoverished denizens are unable to maintain or improve it. Within a few years, nature will have taken back the town, leaving Mayor Goodway and her constituents living on the beach, surviving only on what scraps of food Chase deigns to throw them.


No loving God could create abominations such as these (YouTube//FunCartoons)

2- Conservative Propaganda

Of course, there is another explanation for the idiocy of the human characters. Perhaps it is a deliberate ploy by the writers of the show to forward their ideology. “But surely,” you naively insist “PAW Patrol’s only ideology is that being kind & helpful is good.” Not so, simple dad! Consider the human characters we spend time with in PAW Patrol. Two mayors (Mayor Goodway and Mayor Humdinger), a marine biologist (Cap’n Turbot) and an immigrant photographer (Francois). These professions are not chosen at random. They represent what the right refers to as “the Liberal Elite”, scientists, artists, career politicians. Francois, as a photographer, stands in for both indolent artists and the incompetant media. (It’s also no coincidence he’s French: Liberalism began during the Englightenment, a movement partly started by French intellectuals and artists [including Francois Quesnay])*. In almost every episode of Paw Patrol, it is one of these elites who cause problems, either by their incompetance or, in the case of Mayor Humdinger, their self-interest.

And who is opposing them? The PAW Patrol, an organization completely independent from Goodway’s incompetent administration. (An administration that, in one episode, spends a good deal of time and money on a solid gold statue of the Mayor’s ancestor.) In the world of PAW Patrol, most of the services normally run by local government (police, fire & rescue, trash pick-up, etc), are now run by what appears to be a single, privately owned company. And that company is run by a child. And staffed by dogs. Liberals would have you believe that such a move would result in disaster. But The PAW Patrol is an efficient, successful team. They always save the day. The message is clear: Emergency services would be run more effectively by a child and 6 dogs than by local government.

Prediction: If this theory is true, expect to see an episode in the near future in which the pups have to rescue a coal miner from the dangers of excessive health and safety regulations.

Science & Art, engaged in petty pointless war games while the world burns. (YouTube//FunCartoons)

3- Ryder’s Dissociative Episode

It’s not likely, but there is a small chance that I’m reading too much into the show. Maybe all the random stuff in there really is just random, the product of a childish mind just trying to make sense of the world.

Before the start of the show, a ten-year-old Canadian boy undergoes some trauma, possibly connected to the loss of his parents. Unable to cope with a world in which the adults he trustedthe adults, whose job it was to keep him safewere unable to stop this happening to him, Ryder retreated into a fantasy world of his own construction. Here, he is safe in a literal tower of steel and glass (note it’s design: very similar to Toronto’s CN tower, perhaps somewhere he visited with his parents). He surrounds himself with his beloved pets, the only creatures who would never desert him. He places so much trust in them that he gives them the task of keeping him safe, replacing the human emergency services that let him down with the PAW Patrol. In this world, he can solve any problem, deal with any emergency. Nothing can hurt him. As time goes on, Ryder becomes more and more invested in this perfect world and more disconnected from reality. First introducing the mer-pups, then the sunken city of Atlantis, then the robo-pup, finally leaving any connection with the real world behind as he and the pups board the air patroller and take off into the depths of Ryder’s mind.

Prediction: If this theory is true, there would be absolutely no way to tell. Ryder would solve every problem, the pups would always save the day, just as happens in the show every. single. episode.

Ryder, controlling his terrible creations (YouTube//YEEAHH)


*Before you @-me, I’m aware that this sense of Liberalism, as a political system, is different from the way it is used in the phrase “Liberal Elite”, where it refers to left-of-center politics within said political system.

Screentime: I Love The Many Adventures Of Winnie-The-Pooh, And You Should Too


Last week we were watching The Many Adventures of Winnie The Pooh and just as it was coming to a close, my daughter turned to me, sighed and said “Daddy. I luff Winnie-a-Poot”.

This is unprecedented. Normally movies are demanded or rejected, but rarely commented upon, and certainly never “luffed”. This is an expression of love usually reserved only for Mommy, Daddy, and blueberries.

What is it about Winnie-a-poot than inspires such high praise? Such devotion and admiration?

There’s a lot to enjoy in the 1977 Disney feature. The plot is airy and pleasantly free of high stakes or melodrama. The animation is beautiful. The songs are subtly hummable, quietly catchy. The nostalgic childhood feel is painted with a realistic, but light touch.

But none of these things inspire real love. What inspires love in my daughter is the characters, and it isn’t hard to see why. They are all proper role models of people she could/should grow up to be.


Take Rabbit, for example. Rabbit is a fussy, self-important scold. He spends his time in the movie alternately trying to minimize the impact his friends have on his well-ordered life, or complaining about the mess they’ve made of it. He’s basically the same character as Zazu from the Lion King, but not as funny. The kind of human you’re most likely to find working behind the desk at a Post Office. Wait, that isn’t right. Let me try again.



Let’s use Tigger as our example. Tigger is pretty much the exact opposite of Rabbit. He’s chaotic and energetic, relentlessly positive. Always bouncing, always happy. If he had Facebook it would be wall-to-wall inspirational memes. The kind of guy who you bump into when he’s out jogging, he talks a mile a minute about all the great things going on in his life, while jogging on the spot and checking his heart-rate on his Apple Watch, then yells “Gotta go! It was great catching up!” as he’s already running away.

Damn, I did it again.

(YouTube//Walt Disney Animation Studios)


So these descriptions aren’t exactly the most positive ones, fine. I may have been channeling Eyeore a little. But they still show why these characters inspire real love in my daughter and me. Because they feel real. They aren’t cursed princesses or crime solving mice, they’re just people, muddling along. We all have a friend or family as controlling as Rabbit or, as irrepressible as Tigger. We all know someone like Eyeore; always pesimistic, always expecting the worst.

And the movie knows this. Unlike Zazu in the Lion King, Rabbit’s fussiness isn’t treated as a joke, or as an inherently ridiculous trait. Sure when he tries to control Tigger, he gets his comeupance, but his trepidations about Pooh’s appetite prove correct. Tigger’s positivity and Eyeore’s negativity sometimes come in handy, but also sometimes get them into trouble. These characteristics aren’t presented inherently good, or inherently bad, they’re just presented as inherently human (or rabbit, or donkey or…uhh… tigger I suppose).

(YouTube//ZoeLove 199)


But of course, just being presented in this way isn’t enough to inspire the adoration of everyone from two to ninety-two. There’s one more ingredient that makes these characters truly loved: They are kind. Despite their quirks and foibles, despite their irritations and annoyances, the characters of Winnie-The-Pooh invariably treat each other as kindly as they can.

When Pooh shows up at Rabbit’s door, Rabbit freaks out, panicking over the mess he knows Pooh will make of his perfectly organized life. But Rabbit offers him lunch anyway. And you get the impression that, despite everything that happens, despite Pooh eating every ounce of honey in the place, despite his blocking Rabbit’s door for weeks, if Pooh showed up again the next day with an expectant look in his eye, Rabbit would offer him lunch again.

This kindness goes a long way. Owl’s longwinded, indulgent speechifying, is rendered harmless and even enjoyable by his offer of an accompanying lunch. (It’s telling how often this kindness involves food: something well understood by your average two-year-old). And this kindness is repaid ten-fold in Eyeore’s finding Owl a house, albeit Piglet’s, and in Piglet freely gifting him that home.

(YouTube//Walt Disney Animation Studios)


These characters, you see, are truly friends. They love each other not despite, but because of their idiosyncracies. Piglet, more than all of them, understands this. He understands that without his friends he is helpless, tiny, too timid to succeed. He understands, too, that this is true for each of them. Without Piglet & Eyeore, Owl would have no-where to live. Without Tigger, Rabbit would never learn to bounce. Without Rabbit, Pooh would have gone hungry.

(YouTube//Daniel Boyle)


And when we see their true, unswerving friendship to each other, we feel part of it. They become our friends too. We love them for their self-importance, and for their impulsiveness, and for their lack of brains. And no matter how ridiculous Pooh’s latest scheme is, no matter whether we’re disguising ourselves as rainclouds or hunting Heffalumps, that friendship keeps us invested. We’d follow them anywhere.

5 Great Titles From The Minds Behind Black Panther On Netflix Right Now

(YouTube/Marvel Entertainment)

As a human being on Earth, you either just saw Black Panther at the theater or you’re desperately searching for a babysitter so you can go check it out. Either way, you’re probably anxious for more. Of course, if it’s superheroics you’re after, Netflix is littered with Marvel movies and shows to fill that particular void. But if you’re looking for more of the feel, look, and talent that makes Black Panther special, here are some recomendations you might want to check out.

Screentime: Let Them Eat Trolls*

fucking trolls, man
(2oth Century Fox)

(*Note: The author wishes it to be known that the original title for this piece was “A Modest Protrollsal.” The title was changed due to the current editorial board’s irrational hatred for obscure puns)

The Trolls are happy. It’s their defining characteristic. They are so happy that consuming one makes you deliriously happy. So happy that it has seeped into their physical essence, like cheap vodka into a gummy bear.

But they aren’t born that way. The movie makes it clear that happiness isn’t some hereditary trait. It isn’t something you have, it’s something you do. Poppy and the others are so incredibly happy because they practice it, they devote time to it. Hugs every hour, songs every 5 minutes, parties every night. This is how they spend their days.


Meanwhile, what are the Bergens doing? The Prince is living a life of luxury, it’s true, but those around him are anything but idle. Chefs prepare meals, maids clean, guards stand watch. Behind the scenes too, the Bergens are industrious. Gristle and Brigette visit a pizza parlor and a roller-rink. We see storefronts, billboards, magazines! The Bergens are working! They are keeping the lifeblood of the economy flowing, toiling for the betterment of society. They aren’t unhappy because of some innate melancholy nature, they simply don’t have the time to devote to its practice!

And why should they? Time is a worker’s most precious resource, and an instant, renewable, efficient method of obtaining happiness is right there for the taking. Why raise, shelter, and feed the cow when you get the milk for free? As far as we know, the ruling Bergen class has provided this resource, free of charge, to every man, woman, and child, from the moment it became available, to shortly after the film begins, when the Trolls revolt and escape the confines of Bergen Town. From the Bergen’s perspective, the system was working.

(YouTube//Biz Halo)

One could also argue that it was working from the Troll’s perspective too. They were free to live lives of absolute indulgence, seeking happiness however and whenever it suited them. Infrastructure, insurance, irrigation; such things did not trouble them, the Bergens would take care of it. The Trolls’ work, their contribution to the grand ongoing project of civilization, was merely to increase their own happiness as much as they could. In exchange for this Dionysian freedom, certain among them would be required to pay the ultimate price to spread this happiness among those who were working elsewhere, contributing to the betterment of all in other ways. Just as the baker sells his bread in order to buy clothes, the Bergens sell their work to buy happiness, and the Trolls sell their happiness in order to avoid work.

Pictured: Avoiding Work (YouTube//DreamworksTV)

But this isn’t quite right. The mutually beneficial marketplace described above does not exist in Trolls, at least, not at the beginning of the movie. Instead, statist concerns (namely King Gristle Sr., and later King Gristle Jr.) throttle efficiencies by placing regulations and restrictions on trade. There are several examples of this through the movie, but the most egregious one is that neither the Trolls nor the Bergens are free to choose a profession that best fits their talents. All Trolls are designated Happiness Creators and all Bergens must find positions in the traditional labor market. This is ludicrous, economically speaking. In order to fully realize the most efficient balance between Happiness and Labor, both Trolls and Bergens must be free to select professions.

A perfect example of this inefficiency can be found in one of the film’s leading characters, Branch. For the majority of the movie, Branch has no interest in increasing his stock of happiness. He seeks solitude, mopes, and does not enjoy utilizing dancing or any other tools of happiness production. Instead, he builds and stocks an impressive safety bunker. This bunker is by far the most impressive structure we see a Troll create, and is not only fully stocked with food and water, but also contains a system for storing and filtering bodily fluids and a system of automated elevators unlike anything else we see in either the Troll settlement or Bergen Town itself. Clearly, his natural talents and inclinations lie more in the fields of innovation and construction than happiness generation. If he were able to join the traditional labor market, it would transform him from underperforming Troll into Galtian superhero. Allowing him the freedom to choose a different profession would also introduce the fruits of his talents to enter the general marketplace, where they could contribute to the betterment of all.

(YouTube//Flicks And The City Clips)

We can also assume, although we do not see them, that there exist Bergens who’s natural inclination would make them much more efficient Happiness Generators than traditional laborers. It could even be argued that Brigette is such a Bergen. She certainly shows much more talent for this field than any other Bergens we meet.

Therefore, while Branch is confined to the unsuitable role of Happiness Generator, we must assume there is at least one equivalent Bergen for whom the inverse is true. Although Branch is not consumed during the course of the narrative, it must be true that, given his actions, the quality and quantity of happiness he places on the common market is much lower than the average Troll, to whom happiness creation comes naturally. It logically follows, therefore, that if there is any single Bergen who is able to create happiness at the rate of the average Troll, Branch’s confinement to this role serves to decrease not only the total happiness available on the open market but the total labor available to purchase also.

We can only hope that, given the newly forged alliance between Troll and Bergen that we see at the end of the film, Trolls 2 brings us scenes of the two species working together to form a new society. A society in which a Troll can choose to use his labor to buy and consume the happiness of a Bergen, and a Bergen can choose to sell her happiness to purchase a life free of toil.

(Of course, given the natural tendencies of each species, and also their relative sizes, one can assume that a free market situation would still predominantly feature the consumption of Trolls by Bergens rather than the inverse)

(YouTube//The Fox Kids)

Screentime: The 6 Stages Of Ready Steady Wiggle

(Wiggles Wiki)

Stage 1: Nostalgia

Your kid points up at the screen “Watch Wiggles?” she asks. “Why not?” you think, smiling to yourself. You were perhaps a little old for them when the Wiggles first appeared on TV screens, but you remember them nevertheless. The smiling faces, the brightly coloured outfits, the fun yet educational songs. What could be more wholesome?

You throw on the show. It’s just as you remember it. The faces may have changed, but the smiles haven’t. Here they all are – Red, Yellow, Blue, Purple, singing the perfect blend of the classics: “Hot Potato,” “Fruit Salad,” “Apples & Bananas,” with some new stuff thrown in. It’s like seeing your favorite band do the perfect reunion tour.


Stage 2: Confusion

Around episode 2 or 3, you start to notice something. This isn’t right. It can’t be. It’s just the same 8 or 10 song segments over and over again in different orders with short, dumb skits about the Blue Wiggle speaking in slow motion or some garbage. And there’s 52 episodes of this unwatchable hell. There’s no way it was like this when you were a kid.

Then maybe you do a little research and see that every Wiggle TV series ever, spanning over 20 years and 7 different titles, has been identical. It’s been this bad forever. This is when you start drinking.

(Youtube//The Wiggles)

Stage 3: Anger

By now you’re probably on episode 8 or 9. You’ve seen the same lip-synched video for ‘Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Car’ a minimum of 5 times. The hooky melody combines with your whisky-haze in a way that feels like seasickness. You’re starting to lose it.

This isn’t a TV show. You can’t just record an hours worth of footage, then keep re-ordering it to generate “new” “episodes.” If Game of Thrones only shot one battle per season and then just reused the footage every episode, people would riot!

The Wiggles isn’t a TV show. It’s a fucking fast food chain. Just churning out something that looks and tastes enough like the real thing. Dead-eyed employees shovelling reheated slop into a bag. They don’t care what’s in it, so long as overheads are low and you keep coming back. It’s disgusting.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

Stage 4: Fear

You’re 20 episodes deep now, and something permeates the dark fog of booze. It’s Captain Feathersword, that irredemable bastard. He speaks to you. “Let’s Go To The Wiggle Show,” he cackles grotesquely. “Yes,” you find yourself thinking. “That sounds great.”

Suddenly you are whisked to a familiar, comfortable location. Footage from the live Wiggles show. The one bright spot in a sea of repetitious mediocrity. Sure, it’s the same old songs and all the footage in the season is from a single concert. Sure, it’s the same people doing the same dances. But suddenly, they’ve come to life. This is where the Wiggles thrive, surrounded by their fans–their devoted followers.

Then you see him, in the center of it all. The Blue Wiggle. There’s a glint in his eye. He knows something you don’t.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

And you realize.

This isn’t a band, a TV show, or a fast food chain.

It’s a cult.

Anthony Field, the Blue Wiggle, created The Wiggles. All of this was his idea. He has been the driving force behind them for 27 years.

You pull out your phone, one eye on Anthony grinning at you from the TV, and google this demon. You begin to learn the Blue Wiggle’s dark secrets. The complete re-recording of albums to erase the existence of former bandmates. The Firing Of Moran. The punishing touring schedule. The fitness competitions. It’s all there.

The Blue Wiggle crafts everything to his whim, manufacturing an image, a brand, a message, all designed to cast a thrall over young minds. You see them all out there; the followers, dressed in the robes of their order, singing the sacred hymns along with their chosen leader.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

Stage 5: Acceptance

But they aren’t dressed as Anthony. Even in your rye-soaked pallor you can see that the dominant color out there in the frenzied mob isn’t blue. It’s yellow. They’re not here for Him. They’re here for Her.

Emma Watkins, the Yellow Wiggle, dancing accross the stage, bow in her hair, genuine glee on her face. Everything is going to be okay.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

You now know of Anthony’s machinations, and strongly suspect Lachy’s behind-the-scenes scheming and Simon’s blind obedience, but none of these things matter. Only the Yellow Wiggle matters. The whole sad affair is worth it for the genuine excitement and admiration on those kids’ faces. They love Emma. They love The Wiggles. And now, so do you.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

Stage 6: Hands In The Air

Everybody clap *clap* *clap *clap*

Everybody sing, la, la, la, la, la

Bow to your partner, then you turn around, (yippie!)

Hands in the air, rock-a-bye your bear

Bear’s now asleep, sh, sh, sh


Bear’s now asleep, sh, sh, sh

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

Screentime: Moana’s Dad Sucks

(Walt Disney Studios Motion pictures)

Where You Are.

“Daddy, this you.”

My daughter loves to identify the characters she sees, in books, TV, movies, with counterparts from her real life. She’ll point to a random woman in a picture book and loudly declare, “It’s Grandma”. There’s an illustration snail she will reliably identify as “Mommy” for no discernible reason. In The Cat In The Hat, there’s a crudely sketched portrait of a dude with a huge nose

Every time we read the book she points at the damn painting and says “PICTURE OF DADDY” over and over again until I say “Yes, that’s a picture of daddy can we please move on?”

So it came as no surprise when she held up a figurine of Chief Tui, Moana’s father, and told me “Daddy, this you”. In fact, it made more sense than many of the characters that are “me”. My daughter obviously identifies with Moana and Tui is Moana’s dad. Simple.

Initially, the comparison seemed favorable. For a start, Tui is a pretty impressive-looking guy. If this is what my kid sees when she looks at me, I’m doing something right. He’s also the Chief of a whole dang island, which looks pretty good on your CV.

Pictured: Me (Left); Other Dads (Right) (Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures/20th Television)

The Perfect Daughter

But the more I thought about the movie, the more uncomfortable I was about being linked with Tui in my daughter’s mind. Obviously, there is the fact of his being the main obstacle to Moana exploring the ocean, saving the world and finding herself in the process. But that’s just the start of it!

Moana is rightly praised for being a female-led film in which the heroine’s victory is her own. No man swoops in to save the day, or to offer a ring. Instead, the men of the film represent the status quo, the facts of the world that Moana must navigate around. It is no accident, therefore, that the two most significant male presences in the film are both authority figures. Tui and Maui are both powerful men, and each can be seen as representing different types of dad. (Stay with me here)

Maui and Moana

You’re Welcome

Maui’s is less so, but still valid. Maui is the figurative father of humanity. The litany of feats he lists in “You’re Welcome” demonstrate that without him, human lives would be unrecognizable. Tides, Wind, Land, Fire, Coconuts. All the things Moana and her people treat as givens, he handed to them. In the same sense that Prometheus is the father of humanity in Greek mythology, Maui is father to us all.

Maybe this is the dude I want to be compared to. Magic, heroic, legendary. Sounds pretty good!

But what kind of a father is he? As his song proclaims, he is a heroic one. He has performed incredible, dangerous feats to improve the lives of his children. He is brave and strong, fun and adventurous. But he also solves all his problems in the same way: Brute force.

He is also an absent father. His version of fatherhood consists of providing, but not sustaining. As soon as a complication approaches, he runs away.

His self-image is so dependent on his heroic victories & his strength that he cannot face the possibility of failure. I don’t want that.

Maui Flies Away
(Youtube//Nicole Sthefania)

Consider The Coconut

So I guess it’s back to Moana’s actual father, Tui. He has a more grounded, less spectacular, approach. He emphasizes tradition, tries to teach responsibility. I can get behind this, I suppose. I mean, kind of boring, but commendable.

Apart from two things. Firstly, he uses the twin swords of Tradition and Responsibility to hem his daughter in, stopping her not only from following her heart, but from coming up with genuine solutions to real problems they both face.

Secondly, it becomes clear he’s doing this not in order to help his daughter develop or grow, or even because he genuinely thinks its what’s best. He’s just projecting his own fear of the ocean onto her. His talk of tradition is just a cover for his own hang-ups. He doesn’t run away, he just hides behind his value-system!

I don’t wanna be either of these dudes!

(YouTube// Ultimate Productions)

A Girl Who Loves Her Island, A Girl Who Loves The Sea

In the end, though, Moana herself doesn’t outright reject either of these flawed father figures. She embraces the Tui’s responsibilities and traditions while rejecting the fears that guided him. She embraces Maui’s bravery and sense of adventure but rejects his fear of failure and his violence. She takes the best of each of them, rejecting their shortcomings, and becomes her own, stronger, person, finding solutions neither of them could ever see. (Obviously, this is also in large part due to the supportive maternal figures in her life, but you knew that.)

So I suppose I don’t mind whether my kid sees me as Tui, or Maui, or Heihei. I just hope that she can take the best of me, and use it to forge her own, better, way.

I Am Moana

Procrastination: OFFICIAL PARODY (2018)

Been meaning to make this since 2010, but…

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The 10 Most Cringeworthy Star Wars Moments


Star Wars nostalgia is in full swing. It’s fun to think back on all our favorite moments, but let’s be honest, there are plenty of less-than-amazing moments in the Star Wars saga. Downright cringeworthy moments. Let’s look back at some of the best/worst moments we love to hate.

Lame CGI Additions To the Original Trilogy

The absurd moments Lucas added into the original trilogy are a sore spot for many Star Wars fans. A moment of silence for the extended CGI rendition of the Max Rebo Band performance at Jabba’s Palace, and how two minutes of our lives were stolen forever.

Dad-joke Vader Choke in Rogue One

Entire theaters full of people rolled their eyes when Director Krennic was being force-choked and Vader delivered one of the worst space-dad jokes of all time.

Honestly, I don’t blame Vader. If I was a feared galactic super villain, it would be hard not to throw around corny jokes just to watch everyone squirm.

Qui-Gon: “There’s always a bigger fish.”

Even the light-side can’t help but spurt out lame-ass unnecessary jokes. Intended as comic relief, it’s more like comic pain. That’s some Jar Jar-level bullshit, Qui-Gon.

“Midi-Chlorians” Are A Thing? Apparently?

Midi-what? In Episode I, Qui-Gon tells Anakin about “intelligent microscopic life forms that live symbiotically inside the cells of all living things” that make up the Force.

Why is this the first time we’ve heard about a literal blood test for determining potential Jedi? And it’s never discussed again. Is this supposed to be common knowledge in the Star Wars universe? Too bad the blood test doesn’t also screen for space serial killers too…

(Star Wars Report)

Anakin Doesn’t Like Sand

The most awkward scene ever, where beautiful Natalie Portman wistfully tells a guy about her memories of spending time on the beach and he responds with this:


Uhhh….Okay? Way to win her heart, Anakin.

“I have the high ground.”

Obi-Wan announces this to Anakin at the end of their lightsaber battle, but he knows that’s not a real thing, right? He’s really not that much higher anyway.

Revenge Of The Sith Episode 3 GIF by Star Wars - Find & Share on GIPHY

Apparently, this principle doesn’t apply to Vader in Return of the Jedi though, because he just chucks his lightsaber from the low ground.

Anything Jar-Jar

Jar. Jar. Binks. Need we say more?


Here’s one you may not have heard of. In 1978 there was a Christmas musical (yep!) film called The Star Wars Holiday Special, and in it was the first ever appearance of Chewbacca’s son. His name: Lumpawaroo. But just as his dad went by “Chewy,” this kid went by “Lumpy.” And yes, this is official Star Wars canon.

“Are you an angel?”

Anakin is like, maybe 8 years old, tops, and he hits on a much older Padme, asking her if she’s an angel. (Because “angels are the most beautiful things in the universe.”) The only thing that makes a bad pick-up line worse is when it’s delivered by a small child.

(The Star Wars Tribute Blog)

The Luke/Leia Kiss

Listen. None of us wanted to see this. Han Solo’s displeased face in this is all of us. Just, yuck. I still can’t watch this without wanting to wash my eyes out with soap.