Christmas is here!
That means hacking down trees and dragging them inside your house, lying to your children about a home invader in a strange blouse, and tweets about what happens if a mall Santa sits on another mall Santa.
Here are some funny jokes you can read while hiding from your racist uncle with a bottle of port and phone charger in the bathroom…
Care for the older generation.
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 27, 2014
Taurus: It will be an “old fashioned Christmas” for you this year, with a teenager giving birth in your garage.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) December 7, 2017
Watching classic Christmas movies.
In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 22, 2014
Kids’ magical meetings with Santa
A mall Santa sits on another mall Santa's lap and the mall explodes
— Shawn (@online_shawn) December 7, 2015
The grace of a reindeer drawn sleigh.
Mrs. Claus: Shouldn't you have left by now?
Santa: [throwing couch cushions] WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 7, 2015
The wonder of the nativity.
Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 8, 2011
♬All of the other reindeer…♬
"Um wow okay"
-all of Santa's other reindeer
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 14, 2014
Family. Family. Family.
Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 12, 2012
Ritual and tradition.
"I don't trust Muslims, they have some funny beliefs and customs," he said while dragging a pine tree into his living room for some reason
— Mall Santa (in training) (@SortaBad) November 26, 2016
And of course a little politics around the fire.
republicans are so obsessed with coal because that’s all santa ever brings them ha ha oh man political AND seasonal how does she do it
— maddsing through the snow (@whatmaddness) December 7, 2017