December Streaming Guide: What’s New On Netflix, Amazon, and HBO.

The Dad Approved December Streaming Picks
(IMDB)

Dads don’t always get to control the remote, so when the time comes, we need to be ready. Here are our picks for the best movies and shows coming to Netflix, Amazon Prime and HBO Now this month. (We know it’s December, but we’re mostly skipping the holiday stuff. You’ve seen ’em.)

FAMILY FRIENDLY FLICKS (mostly):

These are great for the whole family. Ideal for that night you come home with the perfect Christmas tree, set it up in the corner, and collectively decide that you’re too tired to decorate it yet.

Netflix:

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs (December 1st)
One of the first in the recent trend of kid’s movies being way funnier than you’d think they could be.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs Laugh
(Gify)

Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle (December 7th)
This movie hasn’t gotten much attention in the wake of the Disney “Live Action” Jungle Book movie, but is directed by motion capture master Andy Serkis, and features Christian Bale, Cate Blanchet, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Serkis himself in a more faithful adaptation of the original Kipling stories.

Voltron Legendary Defender: Season 8 (December 14th)
We’re not going to say it’s as good as the one we watched when we were kids, but it’s not like we’re gonna just…not watch Voltron.

Voltron
Actual footage of my kid getting home for winter break. (Giphy)

3Below: Tales From Arcadia (December 21st)
Guillermo Del Toro’s second show in set in the Trollhunters universe, about rogue aliens on the run from bounty hunters (awesome). Reasonably sure nobody will fall in love with a fish here,  but you just never know with this guy.

Avengers: Infinity War (December 25th)
Disney is planning to snatch all their Marvel and Star Wars movies back for their own streaming service, so check out the ultimate superhero showdown before it’s gone in a….you know…

Thanos-Snap Comic
(Doyouevencomicbook.com/John Robinson IV - Jim Starlin, George Perez, Ron Lim)

Amazon Prime:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (December 1st)
Remember when Raphael said a bad word in the first five minutes, and it was like “whoa, this is different than the cartoon?”  Anyway, if you miss the days of rubber suit ninja action, this will probably blow your kids’ minds.

Groundhog Day (December 1st)
“Ok, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties cause it’s coooooold out there today.”

Groundhog Day Winter
(Giphy)

The Dark Crystal (December 1st)
Jim Henson’s successful attempt to live forever in our nightmares is a family classic, apparently.

The Dark Crystal Mouth Muppet
(Giphy)

The Naked Gun Trilogy (December 1st)
Ok, these are maybe, technically, probably not suitable for kids. Like, at all. But let’s be real, your dad probably showed them to you when you were too young, and it’s those traditions that makes the holidays special.

HBO Now:

The Land Before Time (All 2,000 of them available December 1st)
Don Bluth is a legend, and the first adventure of Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Spike, and Petrie is a must-see! The other entries in the series…also exist.

Ready Player One (December 8th)
Every 80s kid’s favorite director made a movie for aughts kids.

Spider-Man Spielberg
This is pretty much how it happened. (ImageFlip)

 

The Dad After Dark:

Check out these titles after the kids go to bed. Assuming you are still awake yourself, that is.

Netflix:

The Big Lebowski (December 1st)
Sam Elliot hasn’t aged in 20 years, which is something we’re looking into. Also, you know, this is one of the best comedies ever made, so.

The Dude Abides
(giphy)

Friday (December 1st)
You know the meme, but have you seen the original? This classic comedy is still leaving it’s mark on pop culture, 23 years later. Don’t believe us? Bye, Felicia.

Friday
(Giphy)

Terminator Salvation (December 1st)
Is this movie good? Is that really what’s important here? As the entry in the franchise that you probably didn’t pay actual money to go see, it’s the ideal “too tired to pay attention to anything” entertainment choice. Plus, if enough people watch this, maybe they’ll bring back the actually great Sarah Conner Chronicles.

District 9 (December 4th)
The best father/son shrimp monster relationship in movie history.

District 9
(Giphy)

The American Meme (December 7th)
This might end up being the most fun or most depressing thing you ever watch, depending on your relationship with social media. Great if you need a reminder why it’s good to limit your kids’ screen time.

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale (Available December 14th)
If you are getting some strong Buffy vibes from this take on the Archie comic universe, you’re not alone. In fact, Buffy/Angel star Alexis Denisof is joining the cast for season 2. But first, step back in time with this holiday special that’s sure add some Halloween spirit to the holiday…ahem…solstice season.

Springsteen on Broadway (December 16th)
Oh, is the Boss performing a special Tony Award winning solo show about his relationship with his father? Cool. Cool cool cool. We’re just gonna be chopping some onions over here, don’t mind us.

Springsteen
(Tenor/CatalinaJoel)

Theory of Everything (December 16th)
“However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at.” – Stephen Hawking, winner of The Dad’s first-ever Father of the Space Time Continuum Award.

Amazon Prime:

The Game (December 1st)
Before escape rooms were a thing, this David Fincher thriller had Michael Douglas on the run in a maybe real/maybe not race to escape his father’s legacy. It’s the most fun you probably don’t want to actually have.

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Season 2 (December 5th)
If Tony Shaloub in this series isn’t your Dad Goals inspiration, then what are you even doing?

Mrs Maisel Dad
(Giphy)

Hereditary (December 27th)
Here’s the thing. Don’t watch this movie. Is it a well made, wonderfully acted, beautifully shot piece of cinema that tells a compelling story of grief, depression, and the impact parents have on our lives? Yes, absolutely, it’s one of the best films of the year. Do we wish we could burn it from our memory and wash our eyeballs in bleach after seeing it? 100%. Even if you don’t mind gore, and could watch brainless teenagers get off’d at summer camp all day long, trust us. This is not that kind of horror movie. Real talk, parent-to-parent: This movie. Is. Upsetting.

Hereditary Dad
(Giphy)

HBO Now:

Inception (December 1st)
Leonardo DiCaprio folds a city in half in order to get back to his kids, when they could have just easily come to him, but didn’t because they’re stubborn. One of the most honest stories of fatherhood ever told.

So there you have it! The Dad’s binge watch guide to get your family through the winter. Now, these are just the titles we don’t want you to miss. But if you’ve got vacation time coming up…

The Full List

Here’s all of it!

Netflix:

December 1st

  • 8 Mile
  • Astro Boy
  • Battle
  • Bride of Chucky
  • Christine
  • Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
  • Crossroads: One Two Jaga
  • Friday
  • Friday After Next
  • Hellboy
  • Man vs Wild with Sunny Leone, season 1
  • Meet Joe Black
  • Memories of the Alhambra (streaming every Saturday)
  • My Bloody Valentine
  • Next Friday
  • Reindeer Games
  • Seven Pounds
  • Shaun of the Dead
  • Terminator Salvation
  • The Big Lebowski
  • The Great British Baking Show: Masterclass, season 5
  • The Last Dragon
  • The Man Who Knew Too Little

December 2nd

  • The Lobster

December 3rd

  • Blue Planet II, season 1
  • Hero Mask
  • The Sound of Your Heart: Reboot, season 2

December 4th

  • District 9

December 6th

  • Happy!, season 1

December 7th

  • 5 Star Christmas
  • Bad Blood
  • Dogs of Berlin
  • Dumplin’
  • Free Rein: The Twelve Neighs of Christmas
  • Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle
  • Nailed It! Holiday!
  • Neo Yokio: Pink Christmas
  • Pine Gap
  • ReMastered: Who Killed Jam Master Jay?
  • Super Monsters and the Wish Star
  • The American Meme
  • The Hook Up Plan (Plan Coeur)
  • The Ranch: Part 6

December 9th

  • Sin senos sí hay paraíso, season 3

December 10th

  • Michael Jackson’s This Is It

December 11th

  • Vir Das: Losing It

December 12th

  • Back Street Girls: Gokudols
  • Out of Many, One

December 13th

  • Wanted, season 3

December 14th

  • Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale
  • Cuckoo, season 4
  • Dance & Sing with True: Songs
  • Fuller House, season 4
  • Inside the Real Narcos
  • Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons, season 3
  • Prince of Peoria: A Christmas Moose Miracle
  • Roma
  • Sunderland Til I Die
  • The Fix
  • The Innocent Man
  • The Protector
  • Tidelands
  • Travelers, season 3
  • Voltron: Legendary Defender, season 8

December 16th

  • Baby Mama
  • Kill the Messenger
  • One Day
  • Springsteen on Broadway
  • The Theory of Everything

December 18th

  • Baki
  • Ellen DeGeneres: Relatable
  • Terrace House: Opening New Doors: Part 5

December 21st

  • 3Below: Tales of Arcadia
  • 7 Days Out
  • Back With the Ex
  • Bad Seeds
  • Bird Box
  • Derry Girls
  • Diablero
  • Greenleaf, season 3
  • LAST HOPE: Part 2
  • Perfume
  • Sirius the Jaeger
  • Struggle: The Life and Lost Art of Szukalski
  • Tales by Light, season 3
  • The Casketeers
  • Wolf (BÖRÜ)

December 23rd

  • Watership Down

December 24th

  • Hi Score Girl
  • The Magicians, season 3

December 25th

  • Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown, season 11
  • Marvel Studios’ Avengers: Infinity War

December 26th

  • Alexa & Katie, season 2
  • YOU

December 28th

  • Instant Hotel
  • La noche de 12 años
  • Selection Day
  • When Angels Sleep
  • Yummy Mummies

December 30th

  • The Autopsy of Jane Doe

December 31st

  • The Bill Murray Stories: Life Lessons Learned From a Mythical Man

Amazon Prime:

December 1st

  • A Clockwork Orange
  • A Fish Called Wanda
  • A Fistful of Dollars (Per un pugno di dollari)
  • All the President’s Men
  • Bad Girls from Mars
  • Because I Said So
  • Bestseller
  • Beverly Hills Vamp
  • Blue Hill Avenue
  • Boogie Nights
  • Bright Lights, Big City
  • Event Horizon
  • Gargoyle
  • Groundhog Day
  • Happily N’Ever After
  • Happily N’Ever After 2
  • Hitman’s Run
  • King of the Mountain
  • Line of Duty
  • Livin’ by the Gun
  • Margin Call
  • Mars Attacks!
  • Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult
  • Ordinary People
  • Promised Land
  • Silent Tongue
  • Sleepover
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  • The Black Stallion
  • The Dark Crystal
  • The Firm
  • The Game
  • The Godson
  • The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
  • The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
  • Trucks
  • Ulee’s Gold
  • Valkyrie
  • War
  • Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins
  • Wild Wild West
  • Windtalkers

December 5th

  • The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, season 2

December 7th

  • Killers
  • Why Did I Get Married Too?

December 8th

  • Before I Fall
  • Collide

December 14th

  • LOL: Last One Laughing, season 1

December 15th

  • 4 Blocks, season 2
  • Life of Crime, Mini-series

December 16th

  • Evan Almighty

December 19th

  • A Most Wanted Man

December 21st

  • Life Itself
  • Vanity Fair, season 1

December 25th

  • Iron Man 2

December 27th

  • Hereditary

December 28th

  • Niko and the Sword of Light, season 2

HBO NOW:

December 1st

  • An Innocent Man
  • The Best Man
  • The Book of Eli
  • Bootmen
  • Dave
  • Dawn of the Dead
  • George A Romero’s Land of the Dead
  • Get Him to the Greek
  • Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
  • The Hangover
  • He’s Just Not That Into You
  • Inception
  • The Land Before Time
  • The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure
  • The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving
  • The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists
  • The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island
  • The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock
  • The Land Before Time VII: Stone of Cold Fire
  • The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze
  • The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water
  • The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration
  • Legend of the Guardians The Owls of Ga’Hoole
  • Light It Up
  • Lost River
  • Mi tesoro (aka My Treasure)
  • Rampage
  • Vida en Marte (aka Life on Mars)

December 2nd

  • Camping, season 1 finale

December 3rd

  • Say Her Name: The Life and Death of Sandra Bland

December 4th

  • HBO First Look: Mortal Engines

December 6th

  • Traffik

December 7th

  • Ice Box

December 8th

  • Ready Player One

December 10th

  • Vice Special Report: The Panic Artists
  • My Brilliant Friend, season 1 finale
  • My True Brilliant Friend

December 11th

  • Momentum Generation

December 14th

  • Room 104, season 2 finale

December 14th

  • High & Mighty

December 14th

  • Vice, season 6 finale

December 15th

  • Blockers

December 15th

  • Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

December 16th

  • Magnifica, season 3 finale

December 17th

  • Bleed Out

December 21st

  • En El Septimo Dia (aka On the Seventh Day)

December 22nd

  • Isle of Dogs

December 23rd

  • Sally4Ever, season 1 finale

So, now it should be easy to make a decision, right?

…Right?

Inception Top
(Giphy)

Screentime: The 6 Stages Of Ready Steady Wiggle

(Wiggles Wiki)

Stage 1: Nostalgia

Your kid points up at the screen “Watch Wiggles?” she asks. “Why not?” you think, smiling to yourself. You were perhaps a little old for them when the Wiggles first appeared on TV screens, but you remember them nevertheless. The smiling faces, the brightly coloured outfits, the fun yet educational songs. What could be more wholesome?

You throw on the show. It’s just as you remember it. The faces may have changed, but the smiles haven’t. Here they all are – Red, Yellow, Blue, Purple, singing the perfect blend of the classics: “Hot Potato,” “Fruit Salad,” “Apples & Bananas,” with some new stuff thrown in. It’s like seeing your favorite band do the perfect reunion tour.

(YouTube//gaywad53)

Stage 2: Confusion

Around episode 2 or 3, you start to notice something. This isn’t right. It can’t be. It’s just the same 8 or 10 song segments over and over again in different orders with short, dumb skits about the Blue Wiggle speaking in slow motion or some garbage. And there’s 52 episodes of this unwatchable hell. There’s no way it was like this when you were a kid.

Then maybe you do a little research and see that every Wiggle TV series ever, spanning over 20 years and 7 different titles, has been identical. It’s been this bad forever. This is when you start drinking.

(Youtube//The Wiggles)

Stage 3: Anger

By now you’re probably on episode 8 or 9. You’ve seen the same lip-synched video for ‘Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Car’ a minimum of 5 times. The hooky melody combines with your whisky-haze in a way that feels like seasickness. You’re starting to lose it.

This isn’t a TV show. You can’t just record an hours worth of footage, then keep re-ordering it to generate “new” “episodes.” If Game of Thrones only shot one battle per season and then just reused the footage every episode, people would riot!

The Wiggles isn’t a TV show. It’s a fucking fast food chain. Just churning out something that looks and tastes enough like the real thing. Dead-eyed employees shovelling reheated slop into a bag. They don’t care what’s in it, so long as overheads are low and you keep coming back. It’s disgusting.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

Stage 4: Fear

You’re 20 episodes deep now, and something permeates the dark fog of booze. It’s Captain Feathersword, that irredemable bastard. He speaks to you. “Let’s Go To The Wiggle Show,” he cackles grotesquely. “Yes,” you find yourself thinking. “That sounds great.”

Suddenly you are whisked to a familiar, comfortable location. Footage from the live Wiggles show. The one bright spot in a sea of repetitious mediocrity. Sure, it’s the same old songs and all the footage in the season is from a single concert. Sure, it’s the same people doing the same dances. But suddenly, they’ve come to life. This is where the Wiggles thrive, surrounded by their fans–their devoted followers.

Then you see him, in the center of it all. The Blue Wiggle. There’s a glint in his eye. He knows something you don’t.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

And you realize.

This isn’t a band, a TV show, or a fast food chain.

It’s a cult.

Anthony Field, the Blue Wiggle, created The Wiggles. All of this was his idea. He has been the driving force behind them for 27 years.

You pull out your phone, one eye on Anthony grinning at you from the TV, and google this demon. You begin to learn the Blue Wiggle’s dark secrets. The complete re-recording of albums to erase the existence of former bandmates. The Firing Of Moran. The punishing touring schedule. The fitness competitions. It’s all there.

The Blue Wiggle crafts everything to his whim, manufacturing an image, a brand, a message, all designed to cast a thrall over young minds. You see them all out there; the followers, dressed in the robes of their order, singing the sacred hymns along with their chosen leader.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

Stage 5: Acceptance

But they aren’t dressed as Anthony. Even in your rye-soaked pallor you can see that the dominant color out there in the frenzied mob isn’t blue. It’s yellow. They’re not here for Him. They’re here for Her.

Emma Watkins, the Yellow Wiggle, dancing accross the stage, bow in her hair, genuine glee on her face. Everything is going to be okay.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

You now know of Anthony’s machinations, and strongly suspect Lachy’s behind-the-scenes scheming and Simon’s blind obedience, but none of these things matter. Only the Yellow Wiggle matters. The whole sad affair is worth it for the genuine excitement and admiration on those kids’ faces. They love Emma. They love The Wiggles. And now, so do you.

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

Stage 6: Hands In The Air

Everybody clap *clap* *clap *clap*

Everybody sing, la, la, la, la, la

Bow to your partner, then you turn around, (yippie!)

Hands in the air, rock-a-bye your bear

Bear’s now asleep, sh, sh, sh

 

Bear’s now asleep, sh, sh, sh

(YouTube//The Wiggles)

Procrastination: OFFICIAL PARODY (2018)

Been meaning to make this since 2010, but…

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