The Best 101 Dad Jokes That Will Make Your Kids Laugh out Loud

101 Best Dad Jokes to Make Your Kid LOL
(Getty/Cecilie_Arcurs)

Whether you’re a new dad or a long-time veteran, there’s nothing like making your kid laugh! Or roll their eyes and tell you you’re embarrassing them. Both equally satisfying. But if you’re running low on material, have we got the list for you: 101 of the best dad jokes out there! Tell your kids, tell your wife, tell that neighbor you don’t really like but always seems to mow the lawn the same time as you do so you have to say something.

1. I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.

2. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.

3. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.

4. What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIINS!”

5. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.

6. A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.

7. What’s the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple?
They’re both red. Except for the green one.

8. How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?
You slowly get over it.

9. Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

10. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

11. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

12. How did ancient Grecians get memorialized?
They had to urn it.

13. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They’re making headlines.

14. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.

15. What do you call bears with no ears?
B

16. Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.

17. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

18. When does a tailor need to go on vacation?
When they seem stressed.

19. What is heavy forward but not backward?
A ton.

20. Why can’t you tell dad jokes until you have kids?
It’s a faux pas.

21. Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.

22. I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I’ve got twelve fridges.

23. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.

24. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

25. Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

26. Two soldiers are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Blubblublubblubblub.”

27. Why was the burglar so sensitive?
He takes things personally.

28. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.

29. I invented a new word today:
Plagiarism.

30. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it.

31. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

32. Why is Orion’s belt the worst constellation?
It’s a waist of space.

33. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in
Airplane! mode.

34. Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people?
None of them work.

35. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

36. My son put his shoes on the wrong feet.
I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.

37. The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag.
I told him to just leave it in the carton.

38. What was the most ground-breaking invention?
A shovel.

39. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

40. Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic?
It takes you back.

41. I just found out I’m colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

42. What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.

43. A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot.
But that’s the last thing I need.

44. To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.

45. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

46. Why do flamingoes life one leg up?
If they lifted both they’d fall.

47. What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A yardvark.

48. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang.
Eventually, it came back to me.

49. Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.

50. Today my son asked me for a book Mark.
Can’t believe he’s 11 and still doesn’t know I’m named Dave.

51. Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum?
It was just collecting dust.

52. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

53. What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

54. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
That can’t just be a coincidence.

55. If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.

56. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

57. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

58. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

59. I tried watching The Neverending Story.
Couldn’t finish it.

60. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

61. What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.

62. Don’t worry if your parachute won’t open.
You’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.

63. What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

64. Why shouldn’t you try writing with a broken pencil?
It’s pointless.

65. Why should you buy socks with holes in them?
It’s the only way to get your feet in.

66. What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

67. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.

68. What’s the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.

69. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

70. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

71. This morning my alarm went off early.
I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.

72. Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.

73. Why is “R” only a pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.

74. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.

75. How do you remember which direction the sun rises in?
Eventually, it’ll dawn on you.

76. Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.

77. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

78. What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

79. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

80. What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?
Bison.

81. When does a dad joke cost $1000?
When it’s a granddad joke.

82. Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.

83. What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.

84. What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

85. What’s the tallest building in the world?
The library, it has the most stories.

86. What’s the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.

87. How are a hippo and Zippo similar?
One is very heavy, the other’s only a little lighter.

88. What’s the 25th letter of the alphabet?
I don’t know, y?

89. What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK, Rolling.

90. How do you handle a fear of elevators?
You take steps to avoid them.

91. How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see it later or in awhile.

92. When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer?
There are more geese on that side.

93. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

94. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

95. How can you tell by someone’s home if they’re a highway robber?
All the signs will be there.

96. Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.

97. How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can’t, elephant only have feet.

98. What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

99. How do you make an egg roll?
Just give it a little push.

100. How can you make money while freshening your breath?
Investmints.

101. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

Remember, making your kids cringe is equally as satisfying so be sure to check out The Worst 101 Dad Jokes.

Joaquin Phoenix Names Son ‘River’ After Late Brother

Joaquin Names Son River
(Getty/Dianna Whitley)

There are plenty of “what could have been” stories in Hollywood history, many of them focused on casting what-ifs, but some of them are based around a tragedy.

What could have been if Heath Ledger, after his iconic performance as the Joker, hadn’t accidentally overdosed? What could have been if James Dean hadn’t died in a car crash after starring in a mere three movies?

What could have been if River Phoenix, one of the most promising young actors of his generation, hadn’t died at the Viper Room at the age of 23? Maybe his career wouldn’t have been similar to the one his little brother Joaquin has made for himself. Unfortunately, we’ll never find out.

Over the weekend, Joaquin and his partner Rooney Mara welcomed their first child and named him River. Director Victor Kossakovvksy revealed the name after a screening of his documentary Gunda, which Phoenix produced, telling the crowd, “He just got a baby by the way … A beautiful son called River.”

It’s clear Joaquin had much admiration for his older brother, and naming his first-born after him is a touching tribute to a talented young actor who never had the chance to have a full career. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been all that unlike Joaquin’s impressive resume.

Joaquin won an Oscar for his role as the Joker in last year’s Todd Phillips movie, and he’s consistently been one of the most interesting and acclaimed actors of the decade. His older brother died before he had a chance to win an Academy Award, but his performances in Stand By Me, Running on Empty, and My Own Private Idaho suggest it wouldn’t have been long.

He may have never won an Oscar, but his memory lives on.

Chadwick Boseman Donated Salary So Sienna Miller Would Get Equal Pay

Chadwick Donates Salary
(Getty/David Livingston)

Whenever someone dies, it’s customary to say nice things about the person. Even if there aren’t that many nice things to say. When a celebrity dies, many of the stories that get told are a surprise to the public, most of whom have only known the deceased via their public personas, not their private lives.

When Chadwick Boseman died after a private four-year battle with cancer, it seemed that everyone who worked with him had something nice to say, and the sheer number of tributes and positive stories of the man makes it clear that he was truly special, not only as an actor but also as a human being.

The latest story to break only serves to further illustrate his goodness.

In the new issue of Empire Magazine, which was dedicated to Boseman, included a story from Sienna Miller, who costarred with Chadwick in last year’s action movie 21 Bridges. The actress revealed that Boseman, who was a producer on the movie, pursued her for a role.

“He was a fan of my work, which was thrilling, because it was reciprocated from me to him, tenfold. So he approached me to do it, he offered me this film, and it was at a time when I really didn’t want to work anymore. I’d been working non-stop and I was exhausted, but then I wanted to work with him.”

But negotiations stalled on the basis of salary, so Boseman stepped in.

“This was a pretty big-budget film, and I know that everybody understands about the pay disparity in Hollywood, but I asked for a number that the studio wouldn’t get to,” Miller said. “And because I was hesitant to go back to work and my daughter was starting school and it was an inconvenient time, I said, ‘I’ll do it if I’m compensated in the right way.’ And Chadwick ended up donating some of his salary to get me to the number that I had asked for. He said that that was what I deserved to be paid.”

Boseman gave her some of his salary so she could get what she deserves and appear in the movie. That’s not the kind of Hollywood story you hear very often.

“I think it’s a testament to who he was,” Miller said.

It’s becoming clear with every such story that Boseman wasn’t just royalty on screen. He was a true king.

Mario Kart Event Recap: The Dad Gaming League, Sponsored By Planters

(The Dad Gaming League)

Hey gamers. We did it. AGAIN. We’ve completed the second event for The Dad Gaming League, which we couldn’t have done without our sponsor, Planters.

We had 200+ people sign up for the Mario Kart event, which is outstanding!

Thank you to all the racers who showed up to the track, and shout out to our streaming hosts, Joel and Bayesic.

On September 18, we ran private tournaments for three categories. Battle Mode (6 battles), 150cc (12 races at high speed), and 200cc (12 races at ludicrous speed), streamed on The Dad Gaming’s Twitch channel.

We invited the top 12 of both the 150cc and 200cc categories back for the Grand Finals and the results were decisive, to say the least! Your 2020 The Dad Gaming League champion Mario Kart-er is: Mc (Brad McCaffrey).

We gave away prizes for the top three racers in ALL categories. As always, in the spirit of casual dad gaming, we also gave away a handful of random prizes, prizes to the first and last place racer in the first race with Joel (in both 150cc and 200cc), and possibly even some other surprise winners!

Prize winners are getting an epic loot box, with an official The Dad Gaming esports jersey and delicious Planters snacks. (First and second place in the Grand Finals also get $100!)

Congratulations to the champ, Mc, and all of the prize winners!

This was so much fun, everyone brought their A game and we saw some fantastic racers out there on the track.

Our next event is Super Smash Bros on October 9. Sign up now at thedadgaming.com. Then we have Rocket League (November, go here for a great Rocket League primer!), Apex Legends (December), and more!

If you have suggestions or ideas on how we can continue making these events better, we’d love to hear them. Email [email protected]. The Dad Gaming community is the best.

Squad up. Join The Dad Gaming FB group and Discord. Follow The Dad Gaming on Twitch, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube.

Mario Kart Results

Battles:

12. 1genxer

11. TootLaRoo

10. M.A.T.

9. Solace

8. TJ

7. Matthew

6. Bayesic

5. MickyWinz

4. ElRey

3. SharkBait

2. Kaokoo333

1. Mc

 

150cc:

12. MickyWinz

11. Snock73

10. Kristie517

9. TootsLaRoo

8. Hunna

7. Josh

6. CampBean

5. SharkBait

4. GmrDad

3. Bayesic

2. MrTeets

1. Mc

 

200cc:

12. TootsLaRoo

11. Hunna

10. ElRey

9. Trey

8. thedadJOEL

7. Rhino

6. Kristie517

5. GmrDad

4. Bayesic

3. SharkBait

2. Mc

1. MickyWinz

 

Grand Finals – 150cc:

12. Ruben

11. CampBean

10. Snock73

9. GmrDad

8. MrTeets

7. TootsLaRoo

6. SharkBait

5. Hunna

4. Kristie517

3. MickyWinz

2. Bayesic

1. Mc

 

Grand Finals – 200cc:

12. Ryan’s Dad

11. GmrDad

10. ElRey

9. thedadJOEL

8. Hunna

7. TootsLaRoo

6. Kristie517

5. Rhino

4. MickyWinz

3. SharkBait

2. Bayesic

1. Mc

This post was sponsored by:
Planters

Father Figures: Died a Hero

“Just want to write to tell you guys about Timothy Ebert. Tim served as a Marine and fought overseas for this country.

When he met Lindsay she had two sons from a previous marriage. Without hesitation Tim stepped up and raised them like they were his own. Lindsay and Tim were able to have a child together, a a beautiful girl named Tinley.

Tim was such a great dad that my kids grew to love him in a very short time. He would go out of his way to make sure everyone was taken care of. It’s just who he was.

Tim was tragically killed on his way to work last month stopping to help a motorist who had just gotten into an accident. This signifies who he was as a person, even in his last moments always trying to take care of someone else. Please share Tim’s story as he truly was and died a hero.”

– Ryan Roberson

Landmine Sniffing “Hero Rat” Wins Gold Medal for Bravery

Hero Rat
(Twitter/PDSA_HQ)

One of Britain’s highest honors has been awarded to a rat. That’s kind of where we’re at in 2020, a rat gets awarded a medal for bravery, but the vermin definitely deserved it. Magawa is a mine-sniffing rat who has been trained to sniff out explosives, and he’s been saving lives in Cambodia.

Magawa, our hero rat, has helped clear more than 1.5 million square feet of land from mines, sniffing out dozens of explosives in the process. The British nonprofit PDSA awarded Magawa the gold medal for his bravery, making it the first time a rat has won the most prestigious honor for animals in Britain.

The relationship with animals usually goes one way, with people going out of their way to care for them in times of need or hang with them as a drinking buddy. Yeah, you see stories about dogs doing something cool, but there aren’t too many medal-winning badass rats out there. Magawa may be a tribe of just one when it comes to that.

In the virtual award ceremony (thanks COVID), the charity director called him a “hero rat”, which are two words that don’t go together much. “Pizza rat”, sure, or even “Pixar Cooking Rat” when you can’t come up with the title of Ratatouille, those make sense. “Hero rat” is a phrase that hasn’t been uttered since Splinter trained mutant turtles in martial arts.

“Magawa’s dedication, skill and bravery are an extraordinary example of this and deserve the highest possible recognition,” the charity said in a press release.


The charity said they use rats to help detect landmines because they are so fast. A rat can screen an area of 200 meters in a half-hour, which would take manual deminers four days.

In this case, it makes sense to give their high honor to Magawa, whose bravery is much bigger than the adorably small gold medal rightfully adorning his neck.

Twitter Shares the Annoying Jokes They Keep Using on Their Partners

Annoying Jokes
(Getty/killerb10)

Long-term relationships often need a little spicing up. It’s not easy being with the same person every day, year-in and year-out, and sometimes you need to find ways to keep things fresh. Even if that means annoying the shit out of your partner.

I’m an incredible husband, which is why I spend a few minutes every day irritating my wife. I have a variety of terrible jokes I use to poke at her, jokes I know she mostly can’t stand, but because I’ve been doing them for so long – years, in some cases – have become affection reminders of our bond. At least that’s what I tell myself.

Now, thanks to a tweet from writer Sophia Benoit, aka @1follwernodad, I know I’m not alone. She suggested that horrible, long-standing jokes – like when a random actor appears onscreen and I call my wife into the room so she can see her “favorite actor of all-time,” despite the fact that she almost never has any idea who the person is and it makes her angry – are a delight, and countless people responded with their favorite bits.

The responses are, quite simply, the best thing that’s ever happened to me:

There are SO MANY MORE. Sometimes, your best intentions backfire:

I beg you to go check out the threadcheck out the thread, and I leave you with this classic:

Buy an Actual T. Rex Skeleton and Dominate Your Neighborhood This Halloween

T-Rex Auction Christie's
(YouTube/Christie's)

The time to pimp out your property for Halloween is nearly here. You could “accidentally” order a massive reproduction of a dinosaur, or even bid on an animatronic one. But come on, it’s 2020, it’s time to kick things up a notch.

On October 6th, Christie’s will be auctioning off a full T. Rex skeleton, of the kind you might see at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City.

I won’t lie, I haven’t spent a lot of time at auctions. Back in the early 2000s, I dabbled in some eBay stuff, but that’s about it. I have zero experience with those fancy auctions they hold at Sotheby’s and Christie’s and that screw desperate Adam Sandler characters out of the fortune he needs to pay off gambling debts. (All of my experience comes from repeatedly outbidding people in a fruitless attempt at landing a vintage Dwight Evans jersey.)

From what I understand, most of the stuff they sell at the high-end auctions are expensive artifacts and priceless (bids notwithstanding) works of art.

Now, for the first time, they’re auctioning off something unique that can be considered both an artifact and a work of art, though not exactly one that you can hang on your wall.

“This is one of the best specimens discovered,” Christie’s head of Science & Natural History, James Hyslop, said on Christie’s site. “There simply aren’t [any other] T. rexes like this coming to market.”

That doesn’t exactly come as a surprise. You don’t typically see T. Rex skeletons for sale on eBay, and trust me, I’ve looked.

The specimen, which is named “Stan” after Stan Sacrison, who discovered it, comes in at 37 feet long and 13 feet high, and is expected to go for a whopping 6 to 8 million dollars when bids are placed next month.

Somebody is going to walk away with one hell of a Halloween decoration.

Check out the video:

Denver Broncos Fills Stands With Cardboard Cutouts of the Entire Town of South Park

Denver Broncos fill stadium with South Park characters
(Twitter/Broncos)

Oh my god, they built Kenny!

You know, out of cardboard. In fact, the Denver Broncos made the entire town of South Park out of cardboard and filled their stadium seats in the coolest possible way. The Denver Broncos are far from the first team to get creative with their empty stadiums, trying to fill the void left by formerly packed arenas and energetic crowds. They aren’t even the first to jump on the cardboard cutout train, but they took a different (*ahem* cooler) route than many other teams.

No matter where you live, South Park is iconic. Going into season 24, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have created one of the most consistently funny animated shows in the history of TV. What really sets South Park apart is that it somehow manages to weave complex social issues in with poop jokes, and it works.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone grew up in Colorado, even meeting and coming up with the idea for South Park while attending the University of Colorado. Both are big fans of their home team, throwing Denver Bronco references into their hit show on a fairly regular basis.

Now, it’s the Denver Broncos’s turn to make a South Park reference – and they freaking nailed it.

“Gang’s all here,” the Broncos tweeted with an incredible video panning the stands. They even created the South Park backdrop for full effect.

South Park tweeted out a message of support for their favorite team, taking a clip from season 3 episode “Spontaneous Combustion,” where a priest leads his congregation in a prayer for the Broncos. This time, they wove in clips of the cardboard South Park characters as if they were all praying for the Broncos to defeat the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday.

The only small detail amiss is that Randy is fully clothed and not trying to start a fight – though maybe that’s only a little league baseball thing.

Netflix Teases Their ‘Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness’ Animated Series

Resident Evil Teaser
(Netflix)

Recently, Netflix announced that they were entering the Resident Evil business.

We shared the news that the streaming platform was developing a new Resident Evil TV show that would feature an original story set within the Resident Evil world, an eight-episode series that will take place over two timelines.

But before we see frame one of that, we’re getting an entirely new Resident Evil movie, but not with Mill Jovovich. Unless she lends her voice. Because this new Resident Evil movie is an anime one, and you can see a trailer.

There’s not much to it, and there is precious little info about it, but the movie, Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness, features Resident Evil 2 protagonists Claire Redfield and Leon Kennedy.

“[Resident Evil: Infinite Darkness] is scheduled for a global launch in 2021 exclusively on Netflix. Three years after 2017’s CG film Resident Evil: Vendetta, technology has further evolved, creating the groundwork for a new series in unprecedented full 3DCG animation,” Netflix said about the original series in a new statement. “Since the first game was released in 1996 on Sony PlayStation, the Resident Evil series is nearing its 25th anniversary. With the series continuing to evolve even now, a new title carves itself into the series’ history. This series is entitled RESIDENT EVIL: Infinite Darkness.”

The movie is set to hit Netflix in 2021. Check out the trailer: