My daughters are still in the kids sports limbo of scoreless soccer, so I haven’t made the jump into the world of being a sports dad just yet. But as we’re getting closer, it makes me wonder, what is the worst sport for your kid to play?

After several compulsory tours in the soccer world, I transitioned to basketball in middle school, playing on a team where everyone had to play at least a little bit of the game. I didn’t even know that was required until the morning after a game, our coach called me to apologize for not playing me the night before. That call was a bummer to get because I actually had played in the game the night before. Apparently, I made such an impression that my coach spent his night wracked with guilt, before placing an early-morning phone call to apologize to a 9-year-old. Either that or my coach was engaged in some next-level trolling that I completely missed.

The next year I started playing ice hockey and made a travel team by junior high. Only recently have I realized how much that must’ve sucked for my parents. I went from playing games at normal times in reasonably heated gyms to 7 a.m. practices in unfathomably cold strip-mall sportsplexes. Throw in the fun extras of hours of travel, hotel stays, and exponentially more expensive equipment, and that’s a pretty rough trade-off for a parent.

*obligatory disclaimer about how I’ll support my kids in whatever sport/activities they want to pursue goes here*

But for real, what are the worst sports experiences that I can hopefully avoid? I was performing at a comedy club in Atlanta last year and there were several teams from a youth dance competition staying in my hotel. At breakfast, one of the families was wearing team-branded t-shirts, except for the dad, who was wearing a custom “I don’t dance, I finance!” shirt. He seemed profoundly unhappy, despite a better than normal breakfast offering from the Holiday Inn Express.

It’s hard not to be on the Zion Williamson hype train. It’s so much cooler to hate what everyone loves, but no one can remain nonplussed after watching that block. I was at a sports bar before going to a college basketball game last week and caught the last five minutes of the Duke-Virginia game. Almost immediately, a nearly 300-pound man flew through the air to block what was previously a comically wide-open 3-point-attempt. Those incredible athletic moments transcend all rational Duke-hatred (I understand it, even if I don’t fully practice it) and remind you why sports are fun.

ZI🚫N BL🚫CK!

(📍 @TysonBrand) pic.twitter.com/wG7Y7h2LJ1

— ESPN (@espn) February 10, 2019

College athletes shouldn’t have to sit out when they transfer. Recruiting is a ruthless business and coaches can say whatever they want to get a kid on campus, then bolt as soon as a better job opens up. College football coaches are freaking out because of the transfer portal and the concern about “free agency”, but the players deserve it.

Austen Rivers quickly shut up a fan after he insulted his dad. It’s a minor thing, but as a stand-up comedian, it is very gratifying to see someone trying hard to be obnoxious get put in his place. The team probably isn’t thrilled to have him engage at all, but it is funny to see how fast the guy shuts up.

He took back his comments to Austin Rivers real quick

(via _justinbolton/Instagram) pic.twitter.com/fuHh3SL4EZ

— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) February 10, 2019

The comic of the week is Chad Daniels. If you aren’t familiar with him, his recent album, Footprints on the Moon, is outstanding. His late night sets are among the best in comedy and if you are completely unfamiliar with him, you can start below. He is one of the best.

Ah, kids. They sure can be little jerks sometimes, huh? Oh, we love them, they are the light and joy of our lives, and we’d do anything for them, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they flip out if a pea gets, like a little mashed potato on it (as if they were gonna eat the peas in the first place). Lots of kids hate when food touches other food. Sure, they’ll play in the mud, and laugh about a loogie, but apparently applesauce coming into contact with ham is actually the most disgusting thing in the universe.

Now, it’s not their fault; it’s all because something about sensory development or underexposed taste buds or something or another, who cares, it doesn’t matter, they’re picky eaters and it’s annoying. But if we’re being perfectly honest, it’s not just kids. Personally, if a pickle touches any of my french fries, we’ve got a problem.

Fortunately, there’s a simple solution.

Okay, that video takes itself like one shade too seriously, but the Food Cubby is an awesomely simple solution to keeping rogue foods in their place.

As an added bonus, giving plates a wall that helps scoop up that last bite of mac and cheese is *chef’s kiss.* I’ve chased stray noodles around a plate like one of those dogs who gets lost in the middle of the dog show, so don’t even get me started on a kid’s dexterity.

The Food Cubby is made from food grade silicone, so it’s all good when it comes to cleaning and not poisoning anyone; and while I was skeptical of the suction power at first, it really does work as advertised. It scores pretty high on Amazon reviews, too, so it wasn’t just me.

For a simple solution to one of parenting’s most obnoxious challenges, the Food Cubby is #TheDadApproved.

Pick up a pack at FoodCubby.com, or on Amazon.

“This is my son Landon. In 2012, we celebrated Father’s Day with my dad a day early. My wife was 8 months pregnant.

As he was heading home tat evening, my dad said that next year I will be celebrating my own Father’s Day. My wife’s water broke at 3am that Sunday and Landon was born four hours later, on Father’s Day.

He was four weeks early and spent 10 days in NICU for underdeveloped lungs, but is now a wild and energetic 6-year-old. I called my dad that Sunday morning to tell him I get to celebrate Father’s Day this year after all, I don’t think he really believed me.

Not until I insisted he come to the hospital to meet his newest grandchild.”

– Pete Wirch

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

How do you make happy hour even happier? How about becoming a new father?

The Perch and Pike pub in Oxfordshire, UK got a little more excitement than they’re used to when a man was forced to help his wife deliver their child when they realized they weren’t going to make it to the hospital in time.

“I ran the hospital bag out to the car, then came back upstairs to get Sofie and said, ‘Right, we’re going to go,’” Simon Duffy, the pub landlord, described the event to BBC. “And she said, ‘Oh I don’t think there’s going to be time, I can feel the baby coming now.’”

Thinking fast, Simon called 999 (the emergency number in the UK) in hopes of getting assistance from paramedics. “I just assumed the ambulance would turn up and they would take over the delivery of the baby,” Simon chuckled. “But there wasn’t even time for that!”

Fortunately, Simon connected with Dawn, a level-headed 999 operator, who was able to walk him through the unforgettable procedure of bringing his healthy baby girl, Chloe, into the world himself.

Thanks to the publicity of the rare event, Dawn even got to meet the little girl she helped deliver. “A lot of the time, once the call’s finished, we don’t get much of an update,” she told BBC. “So it’s really nice to see what’s happened and see the baby that I helped bring into the world.”

Welcome to the club, Simon! The next time we see you in a bar (and you aren’t delivering a child), the first round’s on us!

To be clear, male infertility is no laughing matter. However, it’s hard to stifle one’s giggles when reading about the newest device designed to help guys stop shooting blanks.

A team of scientists in Poland has fashioned a smart little doo-dad for your doo-dads that is scheduled for release later this year, appropriately called “CoolMen.”

What’s basically a portable cooler for your downstairs boys, CoolMen is designed to combat one of the leading causes of male infertility: low sperm quality and sperm production associated with elevated testicular temperature.

Sure, hooking something up to your huevos and then connecting that to a battery is a bit disconcerting at first, but this is your family legacy we’re talking about.

Research shows that optimal sperm production occurs 2-4 degrees Fahrenheit (°F) lower than one’s body temperature, and this silicone pouch keeps everything comfortable and regulated down there.

And of course there’s an app for that, so you can monitor the temperature of your teabag.

Plus, think about how handy this bad boy would be after your kids accidentally knock you in the nads. Pass on the frozen peas and strap your swollen spuds into your fancy new polar pouch instead.

The CoolMen is expected to run between $300 and $400 and the “non-invasive” device should be worn for 12-16 hours for up 3-4 weeks for best results.

Hooray for another weekend, and this one is a long one or three-day-vacation-with-kids as I like to think of it. It’s all about disconnecting with the daily drudgery and making some memories with your little ones. It doesn’t matter if you’re building something or just being silly, commit to whatever you’re doing and have a good time.

Easter Egg Hunt 2.0

It’s a long weekend, which is perfect for indulging in yet another excuse for too much chocolate. Hide little eggs around the garden, up trees, or underneath plant pots. Better yet, make it more interesting with one of these twists:

1. A treasure map with clues for the next treat. Pro tip: To make a piece of paper look suitably old and pirate-y, drag some wet tea bags over it and let it dry before writing on it. Then singe the edges for added effect.
2. Hunt in the dark. Go outside or run through the house with all the lights off. Use flashlights to help find the eggs.
3. Blindfold egg hunt. Shout instructions and let the kids stumble around for the eggs. Add a few hazards like eggs buried in Jello or wet gummy worms.

Remember, the longer the kids are kept busy, the more time you have to eat your own chocolate in peace.

Easter Games

There are plenty of games to play over the Easter long weekend, so here are a few of our favorites:

1. Egg and spoon race – balance an egg on a spoon and run! First to finish, wins! You can also use water balloons instead of the eggs.
2. Egg rolling contest – the furthest egg roll without breaking is the winner.
3. Egg painting – poke a small hole in the top and the bottom of a raw egg and blow the contents out into a bowl. Then paint.
4. Chocolate egg on a string. Push a chopstick through the sides of chocolate eggs and push a string through, (similar to the donuts on a string game). Line them up and let the kids race to eat theirs, without their hands!

Here’s even more:

Family Picnic

Take advantage of the long weekend and spend as much time as you can (weather permitting) outside. Now that Spring has sprung, it’s picnic season, which means heading to the park, a field, your own garden, or your living room if it’s raining. Pack some sandwiches, fruit, a few treats, a kite, and a frisbee. Turn off your phones and enjoy the day.

For more suggestions check out last week’s 3 Things to Do With Your Kids.

Running a half marathon is no small feat, but doing it all while pushing a stroller just seems downright crazy.

Father of two and possible superhero, Ben Hudson, recently ran the Go St. Louis 13.1-mile race all while pushing his girls, Eleanor and Abigail, in a double stroller.

As you might imagine, strollers aren’t optimal distance race equipment, and as such, they aren’t usually allowed for this race. Hudson, however, smoothed things over with the Go St. Louis race coordinators beforehand because he was competing for something truly special: a world record.

Training for months with the girls, Hudson said it was not unlike running several miles with a 70 lb. shopping cart—flat surfaces weren’t too bad but getting up and over hills really tested his perseverance.

“I would just talk to them during the race and tell them how great they were doing,” Hudson said.

And, in the end, the family crushed their goal with a time of 1:16:06.

This means the Hudson’s gets three 13.1 stickers for their car, right?

Nick West is a pretty average guy.

A father of two and now recently retired, Nick is so notably average that in 2015 he appeared in a book titled “Dull Men of Britain” which showcased 40 of the dullest men living in the UK.

Now several years later, Nick is finally getting the individual recognition he so rightly deserves.

A newspaper in Scotland ran a poll to once and for all determine the absolute dullest man in Britain and Nick received over 20% of the votes, more than enough to claim the title.

So what could possibly make people think Nick West is so incredibly dull you ask?

It’s his hobby.

Since Nick was 16 years old he has been collecting one thing: beer cans.

No, he wasn’t cashing in the refunds, but instead amassing one of the largest collections of these shiny metal canvases known to man.

According to an interview the DailyMail, Nick says it all began when he saw a news report in 1975 on collectors in the US scooping up the discarded containers. Shortly after his wife, then girlfriend bought him a book on collecting.

Now 40 plus years later with a collection topping out at over 9,300 cans, Nick has finally decided to cash in and cash out. He has sold about 6,000 pieces of his prized art to private parties and has also donated 1500 cans to a local museum that will keep them on display.

While that may seem like a lot to give up, that still leaves the can connoisseur with over 1500 in his personal collection, allowing him to now move to a smaller home with his wife.

It was with his wife Deborah’s help that Nick says he was able to realize his dream, telling the Mail “I drank the beers and stouts and Deborah would drink the lagers.”

My Beercan of the day #1. Possibly my favourite ever design. 340ml flat top for export to US. pic.twitter.com/PsTiLmJajl

— Nick West (@Canfan75) April 4, 2016

Some of us appreciate beer cans 365 days a year! pic.twitter.com/It0Ee5U19C

— Nick West (@Canfan75) January 24, 2017

Happy beercan appreciation day! pic.twitter.com/e5T3UEELNh

— Nick West (@Canfan75) January 24, 2018

While his oldest can dates back to 1936, there are plenty of modern masterpieces as well. The craft beer boom has not only created many different beverages, but a myriad artistic and unique containers to go along with them.

Extremely strong contenders for best looking new cans 2016 pic.twitter.com/BMV3BcxK3l

— Nick West (@Canfan75) March 30, 2016

Best looking new can so far this year (and there's been a lot). Why did I have to go to US for it though?@GuinnessIreland pic.twitter.com/Awtkkwdcls

— Nick West (@Canfan75) October 22, 2016

Part of the reason Nick is hanging it all up is due to that craft beer surge. With so many new breweries and offerings, Nick was collecting up to 600+ cans a year as opposed to only a few hundred.

Spot the difference?! pic.twitter.com/ffiVZM5jh8

— Nick West (@Canfan75) September 1, 2014

“Deborah grew to resent the hobby because I had a small collection when I met her but it’s had a massive impact on our lives.”

Nick says after making his wife move to a larger home just to accommodate the massive collection, they are now in a much more suitable home and settling in to retirement.

As for his new title of Dullest in the UK, Nick seems ok with it.

“I’m never going to be most handsome or tallest so I’m quite happy with my mantle of dullest man.”

It’s just over a week until the climactic release of Avengers: Endgame, and while most of us or waiting in earnest, watching every single trailer and piece of promotional footage we can get our grubby little hands on, BEWARE:

A massive leak is making its rounds on the internet, spoiling critical moments from the film.

Apparently, someone who was lucky enough to attend an advanced screening recorded and uploaded key footage that will Hulk-smash anyone’s hopes for a spoiler-free experience—and because the internet is the internet, people are sharing it like a virus.

According to Charles Pulliam-Moore at io9, “The footage, which we won’t describe here, is particularly spoiler heavy, subtitled in Arabic, and appears to have been recorded during a screening of the film judging from the theatre seats visible in the frame.”

The leak is so noteworthy and rampant, in fact, that Russo Brothers penned a letter, pleading for people to resist being frickin’ jerks by spoiling it (my words, not theirs).

#DontSpoilTheEndgame pic.twitter.com/YZhbrwcijJ

— Russo Brothers (@Russo_Brothers) April 16, 2019

So, if you—like me—desperately want a fresh screening of the film, with no unintended information eating away at your nerdy little soul, we’d recommend keeping your time on the internet to a minimum, especially on social media sites.

Actually, a member of The Dad’s writing team was a recent casualty of the leaks (RIP, Jimmy).

He wrote:

Twitter and Reddit also appear to be major targets where people are dropping the footage so scroll with care.

We were days away, you guys. Days away.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

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You could say this Dad has been TRAINing for this moment his whole life.

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