If there’s one thing I know about dads, it’s that dads love meat. If there was a second thing I knew – I’m not saying there IS a second thing, but IF there was a second thing – it would be that they like funny tweets.
Now, bear with me here, imagine if there were funny tweets about meats. Now what if I told you that this wondrous possibility was, in fact, a reality? I know. I know.
Keep calm, lads, but here are fourteen of the funniest tweets about “The Meats.”
1 They know, buddy. They know.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn't ring* sure i'll get 1 more chicken
— keith (@ghostkrogh) April 18, 2016
2 Your ranch, Mr President
The waiter pours me a small cup of ranch so that I may sample it before dumping it on my steak. “Mmm, very nice Jeffrey.” I’m the president.
— vineyille (@vineyille) December 18, 2016
3 Were you in 8 Mile?
[being interviewed after losing beatboxing battle] were you just saying "p-p-p-pulled pork sandwiches" over and over?
— madds (@whatmaddness) August 1, 2017
4 How did she know my speed dating technique?
HIM: Are you gonna have ribs tonight?
ME: I have ribs right now.
HIM: Ha ha. I mean for din—
ME: *pulls pork rib from pocket*
HIM: Ah, ok
— Elle Oh Hell plus several ellipses……………. (@ElleOhHell) August 4, 2017
5 We've all been there
Bacon makes anything better haha [places two strips on my divorce papers] hahahaha [fights back tears] hahahahahahaha
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) September 12, 2016
6 The most beautiful sound in the world
Wind chimes, but it's hot dogs. The soothing sound of wind meat
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) September 25, 2017
7 Maybe it's a little sexual
im craving sausages no thats not sexual i want a mouthful of meat fine maybe a little sexual i just want to feel it burst in my mouth ok wai
— eddie (ft. pringles) (@flaccidumbrella) July 9, 2017
8 I'll have you know it's the market leader
"Dad, do you have to be so frugal?"
"Shut up and eat your Boof™ brand imitation beef."
— Dave Cactus (@dave_cactus) September 27, 2017
9 It's the American dream, you guys
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) August 7, 2017
10 Best Uber driver ever?
[first day as an Ubër driver] want some of this spicy beef jerky? if I eat too much i get sweaty
passenger: can you take the child locks off
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 30, 2015
11 Some men paint with a brush, others with words, others…
ME: [posing nude for a portrait] how is it coming?
SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTIST: [uses 2 pieces of salami to make my butt] Magnificent.
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) March 15, 2017
12 So, this is heaven
[planting hotdogs in the earth with my bare hands]
please god, let this year's harvest be bountiful
— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) September 9, 2017
13 She's right, you know
there's no way Danny DeVito doesn't smell like salami
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 6, 2017