Mike Julianelle or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Mike Julianelle

Mike lives in Brooklyn with his wife, two children, and increasing dependence on alcohol. Find him on dadandburied.com and its associated social channels (FB, IG, Twitter) and be ready for him to mock his kids, himself, and maybe even you.

Teen Snowboarder Oversleeps, Still Wins Gold, Hearts

(Marianna Massey/Getty Images)

He was binge-watching Andy Samberg because of course he was

Lost in all the hullabaloo (rightly) surrounding 17-year-old snowboarding phenom Chloe Kim’s dominance and elder statesmen Shaun White’s redemption tour is the story of another snowboarding champion who deserves recognition. For his exploits both on and off the course.

His name is Red Gerard, and based on the circumstances surrounding his performance earlier this week, he’s got to be the most relatable Olympian in years.

Gerard is a 17-year-old Coloradan who made the trip to Pyeongang to compete in the slopestyle snowboarding event and almost wound up missing it completely.

via GIPHY

It seems the teen spent the night before his race binge-watching episodes of Brooklyn 99 with one of his teammates, and apparently he got a little bit too absorbed in Andy Samberg’s precinct hi-jinks, because the next morning, he slept through his alarm! When he did finally got out of bed, he scrambled for a quick egg sandwich and raced to the course – with his friend’s jacket, because he couldn’t find his own.

Despite his panic, Gerard managed to compose himself, absolutely crushing his final run and landing an 87.16 (out of 100) to take home the gold. Based on his, shall we say, exuberant reaction to seeing his score, the magnitude of the moment finally seemed to sink in for the 17-year-old, who became the youngest male to win Olympic gold since 1928.

It seems the win also caught NBC’s censors off-guard!

Based on what Gerard told reporters his family was up to before watching his event, he wasn’t the only one who might have had a little trouble getting to the mountain.

The 17-year-old admitted after the fact that he may have slightly underestimated the global appeal of the Olympic games.

“I just didn’t really think I knew what the Olympics is,” Gerard told Yahoo. “I kind of grew up just watching Dew Tour and X Games. I’d never really realized how big it is.”

Judging by the fact that he nearly missed his event, I’d say he was telling the truth. It’s safe to say that he knows all about them now.

Husband Dominates Valentine’s Day With Over-the-Top Celebrations

(Twitter/RoyalKOAT)

This is gonna make the rest of us look bad

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, but it’s not too early to start planning next year’s celebration. Especially if you want to have any shot at topping one New Mexico man’s displays of love for his wife.

Every year, Lonnie Anderson does something elaborate to express his love for his sweetheart, from gifting her with life-size candy hearts, to installing a carousel in their backyard, to actually commissioning poetry about her. This year may have been his biggest display yet, literally.

He had messages of his love projected onto the side of a building:

Anderson is well known for these ostentatious displays by now. A few years back, he gave her a box of conversation hearts that surely launched plenty of conversations, based on their size:

Another year, the aforementioned carousel showed up behind their house:

And that’s not all.

There was the time he commissioned a poem about his wife, Anne, from poet Rudolf Anaya, and then he read the poem to her at an open mic night.

And that time he got people all over the world to hold up signs professing his love for his wife:

The list goes on. He painted a mural of her name:

He threw her her very own prom where she was named Prom Queen:

Okay, Lonnie. We get it. You love your wife! Now you’re just rubbing your creativity in our faces. And there’s more!

He posted signs professing his love all over Albuquerque:

He wrote out a poem in rocks, which was big enough to be seen from the sky:

And he gave her a giant bouquet of flowers:

It’s exhausting just posting these.

I have to stop. I need to save my energy so I have enough left to prevent my wife from catching wind of this guy. I don’t need that kind of pressure!

After 20 Years, Sega Genesis Finally Gets A New Game

(Matt Phillips/Evil Kill Corporation)

For some reason

Remember Sega Genesis? The video game console from the 90s that brought you Altered Beast and introduced the world to Sonic the Hedgehog? Well, it’s back! Sort of.

An enterprising Brit with a heart full of nostalgia and a lot of free time decided to create a new game for the console, which stopped creating titles in 1998. That’s 20 years after the console was discontinued, losing out to more sophisticated consoles like Playstation and Xbox and Jaguar 64.

Across the pond, the console was called the Sega Mega Drive for some reason, and according to the BBC‘s video on the story, it was made by game developer Matt Phillips “to give fans of the old console something new to play.”

I don’t doubt there are old fans of the old Sega console, but do they still have the thing? I doubt it. They probably left it behind in their dorm room or sold it on eBay years ago. But don’t worry, even if Mom threw your beloved Genesis out, Matt has you covered. It works on emulators and even PCs.

In an effort to make the game as authentic as possible, Matt–a big Sega fan with an elaborate Sonic tattoo–used the same code and equipment as the original developers used back in the early 90s. To complete the project, Matt turned to Kickstarter to raise the funds, and there he described the game, titled Tanglewood, thusly:

Set in the realm of Tanglewood, the game follows a young creature, Nymn, separated from the pack after the sun sets. Unable to get back to the safety of the family’s underground home, Nymn must find a way to survive the night terrors and get to morning. Tanglewood’s world is a dangerous one after dark; guiding Nymn, you must use your skills of evasion, traps, and trickery to defeat predators.

Matt needed assistance from people in Japan and Canada just to get the parts and equipment necessary to complete the game, and he even asked Sega to license it. Unfortunately, Sega doesn’t even have the department necessary to quality assure the cartridge – it has been twenty years! – but they wished Matt luck.

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Despite the headaches, Matt told the BBC he’s “pretty sure” he’s going to create another game. Probaby after he gets Nymn tattooed on his arm, right next to Sonic.

These Computer-Generated Candy Heart Love Messages Put The “Artificial” In “Artificial Intelligence”

(Getty Images/Marc Gutierrez)

These might not get the response you want

Artificial intelligence is one of the great bogeymans. With every leap forward in technology, we seem to get closer to a reality in which computers become self-aware and robots take over. Whether it’s SkyNet or The Matrix or a grocery store robot, it seems the singularity is approacching.

And then someone tries to teach a computer to write a Harry Potter novel, or to create Valentine’s Day hearts, and we all breathe a sigh of relief. Because computers be TRIPPIN’!

Janelle Shane, a research scientist, showed Twitter the limits of AI with a little experiment she did in which she attempted to program a little romance into a learning algorithm known as a neural network.

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On her blog, AI Weirdness, Shane’s bio explains that she trains neural networks “to write unintentional humor as they struggle to imitate human datasets.”

Her latest experiment involved those candy hearts that are everywhere around Valentine’s Day. You know, the ones that have little love messages on them like “BE MINE” and “CALL ME.” For the purposes of her experiment, Shane input all the messages she could find into a neural network and tasked it with creating some new ones. It did not go well.

She posted the results to her blog and shared some of them on Twitter, where they were greeted with confusion and joy as people tweeted their favorites.

Also among the messages the network came up with? DEAR ME, MY MY, LOVE BOT, CUTE KISS, MY BEAR, LOVE BUN. Also YOU’RE ME, SWOOL MAT, BOG LOVE, I HONKER, HOW COT, BEAR WIG, FANG, and my personal favorites, U HACK, HOW U HOT, and CHERT FACE.

It’s pretty safe to say that ain’t nobody bout to get catfished by Siri anytime soon. Especially when you look at one of Shane’s previous experiments, in which she tried to get a neural network to generate some pickup lines.

The results were surreal, to say the least.

  • You are so beautiful that you make me feel better to see you.
  • Hey baby, you’re to be a key? Because I can bear your toot?
  • I don’t know you.
  • I have to give you a book, because you’re the only thing in your eyes.
  • Are you a candle? Because you’re so hot of the looks with you.

I might have been a little rough on computers earlier, because I’m not gonna lie, a few of those would totally work on me.

17-year-old Chloe Kim Lands Gold In Very First Olympic Run

(Twitter/Chloe Kim)

She qualified but was too young for the 2014 Olympics

When I was 17, I was too lazy to get out of bed before noon. Chloe Kim is 17 and she just won a gold medal at the 2018 Winter Olympics in Pyeonyang, in her first ever attempt. At 17, I could barely make cereal in one attempt.

Kim is one of the early stories of the Olympics, as the daughter of Korean immigrants is one of those rare cases to deliver on the massive pre-Games hype. She has been ruling the women’s snowboard circuit for years now, and actually would have qualified for the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, except for the fact that she was only 13.

Four years later, she’s only 17, but as she proved last night, that’s plenty old enough to crush the competition.

Kim’s event, which took place Tuesday morning (which means it was broadcast live on NBC on Monday night), is the women’s halfpipe, and after besting her competition by a solid four points in the qualifying runs, she delivered again in the finals. She got the score she needed in her very first run, as her 93.75 stood up through the end, all the way until her final run, a victory lap in which she scored a whopping 98.25.

None of this is a surprise to anyone who follows snowboarding. According to CNN, Kim is only the second person (Shaun White) to ever record a perfect 100 score in competition, which she achieved at the US Snowboarding Grand Prix in 2016 after landing back-to-back 1080 degree spins. When she was 15.

Oh yeah, did I mention she also hit back-to-back 1080s during last night’s victory lap?

Cheering Kim on were her parents who, like pretty much every parent of every Olympian, made plenty of sacrifices to help their kid achieve her dream.

Jong Jim Kim emigrated to America from South Korea in 1982 and introduced his daughter to the mountains at age 4. At 6 years old she was already competing in juniors, and when she turned 10, he quit his job so he could dedicated himself to her development. Soon he was waking her early and driving her hours to train and compete.

You’d better believe he was rooting her on.

None of these accomplishments, nor the huge international stage, seem to faze the high school senior, who was inexplicably tweeting about being “hangry” DURING competition.

Twitter could not handle Chloe’s cool, replying to her mid-competition with awe and incredulity.

There is one thing that fazes young Chloe Kim, and that is winning the gold.

Now can someone please get her something to eat?

What’s The Deal With This Guy Not Recognizing Matthew Broderick’s Famous Friend?

(Twitter/Honored Spirit)

This must be the Bizarro episode

It’s not every day you run into a Hollywood star, but that’s exactly what happened to one lucky gentleman who stumbled across childhood hero Matthew Broderick while on vacation with his family.

Unfortunately, it seems the man with the camera stopped following pop culture in the 80s, because not only did he not recognize Broderick’s even more famous companion, he outright shoved that guy to the corner of the photo!

Needless to say, the internet is having a field day.

The story was told over a series of tweets by the amateur paparazzi’s friend, known on Twitter as @HonoredSpirit.

The tweeter christened the tale “The Matthew Broderick Story,” and explained that it went down during his friend’s family’s trip to Montauk, Long Island, aka the End of the World.

The second tweet conveys the nerves @HonoredSpirit’s friend was feeling as he asked the “Ferris Bueller” star to participate in what was sure to be “the photo of a lifetime.”

The friend sets the scene, making sure no one, not even Matthew Broderick’s companion, sullies the photo with his presence by repeatedly asking him to move out of the shot until finally giving up, reassuring himself he can make due and remove the interloper later.

Then @HonoredSpirit drops the hammer in his final tweet, in which he reveals the photo, and everyone gasps as they recognize the man in the back right.

Yes, that’s a ball-capped JERRY SEINFELD, having been forced to the margins of the photo. Twitter is now joining the rest of the photographer’s family in mocking the man who took the photo.

Once they recovered, of course.

Someone chimed in with a highly-relevant picture from that random stranger’s classic TV show:

Thankfully for the photographer, several people homed in on Jerry himself:

This gentleman sums up how many children of the 80s feel:

Snackade Is The Couch Potato’s Ultimate Dream

(Snackade)

How could this go wrong?

A few years ago, a few “barcades” started popping up. Barcades are bars that are filled with arcade games and they seemed like a can’t miss idea. Drinking and fake-driving, shooting big game, and playing Pac-Man? They must be a gold mine.

But they might be about to get some competition with an exciting new concept that combines the word “arcade” with another word and seems equally hellbent on making sure people stay fat and lazy as humanity inches ever closer to the disastrous future foretold in Pixar’s WALL-E.

It’s called the “Snackade” and it’s billed as “the (world’s first?) snack-dispensing video game arcade machine.”
It doesn’t include beer, it does reward your video game success with, you guessed it, snacks!

The creators of the Snackade spoke with IGN to explain the concept, which is actually pretty straightforward but has a fun twist: “Any snacks you receive in the game, you’ll receive out of the game, too!”

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That’s right, not only do the games reward you with snacks, the rewards correspond to items in the actual game.

“We try to keep most of the snacks fairly literal – so, for example, if you’re playing Super Mario and you get a mushroom, you’ll actually receive a mushroom. That seems like an okay thing to do because you can’t actually pick up that many mushrooms in a few minutes in Mario, and also because mushrooms are kinda funny?”

Not a big mushroom guy, but I can appreciate the concept, which requires a fair amount of sleight-of-hand from the crew behind it, as the process is not as automated as you might expect – and as they would like you to believe.

“The truth is, this is a Wizard of Oz style show. There’s a lot of video switching, audio mixing and conveyor belt driving going on behind the scenes, but we’re not quite smart enough to program robot arms to run this thing,” the creators explained.

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Currently, the Snackade only exists in Melbourne, Australia, but according to the people behind Snackade, “The dream is definitely to take Snackade abroad.” So don’t stop believing, America!

Happiest Place On Earth Not So Happy After Animatronic Characters Lose Their Heads

(Getty Images/Robyn Beck)

Kids lost their minds when Ursula lost her head

Childhood innocence can’t last forever. But when you’re a parent, the last place you expect your kid’s innocence to be shattered is at Disneyland. But that’s exactly what happened to the kids on the California theme park’s Little Mermaid ride recently.

Not only couldn’t Ursula prevent Ariel from getting her voice back, she lost her own head in the process!

Thankfully, the Ursula in question was merely an animatronic figure on The Little Mermaid Ariel’s Undersea Adventure ride and not an actual person or this article would have a very different tone. Although judging by the kids’ reactions, it might as well have been.

As patrons made their way along the ride’s route, they came upon the singing Ursula, who normally looks like this:

Unfortunately, on this day, her head was not where it usually is…

I feel like it would have been better if the head was completely missing! Instead, the children got to see Ursula’s noggin hanging by wires, dangling down to her chest, all the while still belting her villainous tune.

The Huffington Post spoke with someone on the ride. “It was a pretty freaky thing to see,” she told the website.

““Immediately after we got off we were ushered out along with everyone else, and the employees looked very concerned,” she said about the incident. “Many people had seen Ursula decapitated, including kids who understandably were upset.”

Understandably so, especially since Ursula wasn’t the only character who lost a head that day! Apparently the auctioneer from the Pirates of the Carribbean ride went headless for a stretch as well!

The happiest place on earth was decidedly less happy that usual that day.

The kids weren’t loving it, but that didn’t stop Twitter from coming through with jokes.

Drake Treats Every Customer In The Store To Free Groceries

(Twitter/Ernesto Rodriguez)

They probably would have settled for a selfie, bro

It’s always nice when a pop star uses their wealth and fame to do some good, and it’s even nicer when the good that they do makes for good social media content. Drake, the megastar rapper, killed to birds with one stone when he decided to buy every the groceries of every customer inside a Miami supermarket.

Dude ended up dropping $50k on milk and eggs!

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On his visit to Miami to film a video for his latest hit song, “God’s Plan,” Drake wasn’t messing around. Before even heading over to Sabor Tropical supermarket, he gave a Miami school a $25,000 donation and handed a University of Miami student another $50,000 for her tuition. Then he decided he needed some Twinkies or something so he headed to the grocery store and made every customer’s week.

Complex has the details on the rapper’s week of good Samaratinism.

According to Complex, there’s some speculation that Drake’s string of good deeds – which included donations of toys, gift cards, and another $50,000 for Lotus Village, Miami’s only homeless shelter for women and children – is nothing but a publicity stunt tied to the “God’s Plan” music video he’s filming while in town.

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Not that anyone really cares, least of all the people who benefited from the star’s supermarket sweep.

Based on the photos from the store, they didn’t miss an opportunity to snag a selfie with the singer either.

Of course not everyone was pleased, but only because they didn’t happen to be shopping at the time!

This guy has a plan for the next time Drake swoops in.

Regardless of his motivations, no one can deny that his string of charitable acts was incredibly generous. Not that we should be surprised. Dude’s Canadian.

via GIPHY

Everything You Thought You Knew About Pouring Beer is Wrong

A video from an expert beer sommelier is blowing minds

As far back as I can remember, I never wanted there to be any head in my beer. (Unless I was drinking a Guinness.) So I made sure to pour the beer into my glass in a very particular way.

I’d wager you’ve been doing the same, or something similar: angling the glass so that the lip of it is just under the bottle head and slowly pouring it so as little air as possible hits the liquid and prevents any excess foam.

What if I told you you’ve been doing it all wrong?

Don’t worry, we all have, at least according to this video from Business Insider, in a which a beer sommelier demonstrates the proper way to pour your beer, and explains exactly why.

Um, whaaaaaaaaaaaa?

We’re supposed to have some head? For multiple reasons, such as to release aromas and dissipate some of the carbonation, which in turn prevents us from getting bloated and enables us to drink even more beer? YES PLEASE.

We’re not the only ones shocked and awed by this news.

This guy sums it up:

As for Craig here, he’s being too hard on himself. We’ve all been living it, bud.

Where the head? Where the head at, String? WHERE THE HEAD, STRING?

I’d like to check in with Chuck here, and see how he’s doing. something tells me this is one resolution he’s managing to keep…

Be patient, people, because this new technique is going to require some reps.

First, there’s bound to be some un-learning of the old method – if you’re anything like me, angling the bottle against the side of the glass is basically a muscle memory at this point, so it’s going to take a while to remember not to do that. Then you need to learn this new style of pouring so that you unleash the head without flooding the glass with it. It’s gonna take some time.

The good news is, practice makes perfect! So grab a few cases and keep trying!

Elon Musk’s SpaceX Finally Completes Successful Launch, Twitter Cheers

(Twitter/Lance Ulanoff)

And it was pretty amazing to watch

On Tuesday afternoon, SpaceX successfully launched the Falcon Heavy into orbit from the Kennedy Space Center off the coast of Florida. After having been in the works for seven years, the rocket, considered one of the most powerful in the world with its 27 engines, finally took flight.

And the footage was pretty amazing. And that’s even before you consider the fact that Musk sent his Tesla Roadster up with it!

In a scene reminiscent of the space shuttles launches of your youth, thousands of spectators gathered to watch the Falcon Heavy blast off into the skies, and the show didn’t disappoint.

Providing an extra dose of goofy excitement was the fact that atop the Falcon Heavy was SpaceX’s founder Elon Musk’s red Tesla roadster, complete with someone behind the steering wheel. Don’t worry, it was just a dummy, appropriately christened “Starman” after the David Bowie song. He even brought along a soundtrack, the Duke’s perfectly appropriate Space Oddity.

After Starman reached the actual stars, he was the subject of some of the most amusing images from the event.

Includng some footage from Musk’s own Twitter account:

One of the coolest parts of the launch was the rocket’s boosters returning to earth after the Falcon Heavy reached orbit.

Twitter put aside the snark for an afternoon and expressed the same excitement and awe we were all feeling over this new step in space exploration, after something of a fallow period.

Even the president chimed in:

Make Space Great Again!

Man Sends Letter Claiming He Survived Escape From Alcatraz

(Getty Images/Andrew Powell)

He was presumed dead in the ocean, along with his two breakout partners

Imagine if The Shawshank Redemption was real, and Andy actually did escape to live a free life on a beach somewhere, awaiting his friend Red. Well, it seems it kinda/sorta was real. At least, there was a real-life daring breakout from a high-security prison, and at least one of the men may have actually survived.

Whether or not he was framed for a crime he didn’t commit is neither here nor there, this is a feel-good story!

via GIPHY

John Anglin was one of three men to “successfully” escape the legendary island prison, Alcatraz, along with his brother Clarence and a man named Frank Morris. The trio fled the prison in June 1962 and was never found or heard from again, leading many to believe that they perished in the Pacific Ocean before reaching shore.

Apparently, John survived, at least according to a letter that was sent to the FBI in 2013. Obtained by KCBS, a CBS News affiliate in San Francisco, the letter reads:

“My name is John Anglin. I escape from Alcatraz in June 1962 with my brother Clarence and Frank Morris. I’m 83 years old and in bad shape. I have cancer. Yes, we all made it that night but barely!”

Anglin and his accomplices had used a homemade drill they’d made with a broken vacuum cleaner motor to widen their vents and crawl into a network of tunnels and pipes, eventually making it to the roof and sliding down to a smokestack to a raft they’d assembled with fifty raincoats. Then they promptly drowned and/or got eaten by sharks.

Or so law enforcement assumed.

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“The Federal Bureau of Prisons say that they drowned once they got off of Alcatraz and their bodies were swept out to the Pacific Ocean — end of story,” National Park Service Ranger John Cantwell told KCBS.

In the letter, Anglin claims he lived in North Dakota and Seattle before settling in Southern California and had resurfaced because he was suffering from cancer and was willing to serve a year in a jail if the feds would treat his illness.

As exciting as all this sounds, it may not actually be true. Author Jolene Babyak is the daughter of the warden was living on the island at the time of the escape (she still remembers the sirens that night) and has since written several books on Alcatraz. She admits that the letter offers “lots of allegations, no real evidence, nothing you can follow up on,” and U.S. Marshals agree, having dismissed the letter and closed the case.

If Anglin did survive, he would have been 83 at the time of the letter and even older today. Here’s hoping he had some money socked away, and a friend who “knows how to get things” to hang out with.

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Super Bowl #SelfieKid Becomes Meme Sensation After Halftime Pic With Justin Timberlake

(Twitter/rahulk013)

Teen Becomes Viral Sensation During Eagles Victory

As you probably noticed, smackdab in the middle of the Philadelphia Eagles’ first Super Bowl victory, a Justin Timberlake concert broke out. The former ‘NSYNC member performed a medley of his hits, performed a controversial duet with Minneapolis’ late great Prince, and threw nary a bone to either Janet Jackson, his partner in the Super Bowl’s infamous “Nipplegate” fiasco, or his former boy bandmates.

But he did throw a bone to one lucky team in the crowd, when he posed for an impromptu selfie with the young man who has since been christened #SelfieKid.

During the last song of his performance, “Can’t Stop the Feeling,” JT wandered into the crowd, where he stumbled upon a quick-thinking teenager who had the wherewithal to switch his phone to camera mode and enlist the pop superstar for a selfie.

In case you missed it, Mashable has you covered:

Video of the teen, 7th grader Ryan McKenna of Hingham, MA, posing with Timberlake quickly caught fire online. And people saw it coming immediately.

Never ones to miss the opportunity for a good joke, the internet quickly ran with the scenario, speculating about what the teen was really doing on his phone when the singer happened by.

Some thought he was hitting up Google for some crucial info real quick:

Or maybe he just wanted to sing along:

The Twitter account for hit NBC tearjerker “This Is Us” cleverly seized the moment to promote its post Super Bowl episode, in which viewers would finally learn the fate of dad Jack Pearson.

Long after Timberlake ran out of hits, Twitter’s punchlines kept on coming, with some people wishing someone else had performed theirs…

Another person tweeted about this familiar situation, which thankfully didn’t actually befall #SelfieKid at the worst possible moment:

“Good Morning America” shared the actually selfie:

But why let the truth get in the way of a good joke: