“Just Resting My Eyes,” Says Dad Waking up From 8-Year Coma

"Just Resting My Eyes"
(Getty/ER Productions Limited)

In a development that’s baffling medical professionals worldwide, 56-year-old dad Gary Hudson awoke from an eight-year coma this week, only to matter-of-factly assure his family he’d simply been resting his eyes.

“Just lettin’ the lids take a load off,” Gary said, having just spent the better part of a decade with no observable cognition or awareness of external stimuli. “Can’t be just dozing off mid-Monday now can we.”

Gary, whose cerebrum had recently forgone communication with his brain stem for almost 3,000 consecutive days, guaranteed his loved ones he’d merely shuttered the blinds for a “short rest.”

Sources claim Gary emerged from his comatose state after an orderly changed the hospital room TV channel, which he was watching.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Local Cat Dad Knows Exactly What Father With Newborn is Going Through

(Getty/ Westend61)

Emphasizing the importance of a full night’s sleep, and the difficulty in achieving this with a pet that occasionally jumps on you, local cat dad Ben Perkins assured his pal Richie he knew exactly what he, father to a newborn, was going through.

“Yeah man every so often she’ll hop up on the bed at like 3 in the morning,” Ben complained to his buddy that hasn’t clocked more than three hours of shuteye since mid-April. “Purring softly, pawing gently at my face. It’s like um hello some of us have work in the morning! You get that though, what with the baby.”

Richie, who’d just come from changing a diaper that defied the physical laws of human biology, was then clued in on the tedium of litter boxes. “It’s just sift, scoop, sift, scoop,” Ben continued. “I’m essentially on autopilot now. Diapers will get boring after a while too, you’ll see.”

Ben then went on a short rant about cats walking on laptop keyboards, just moments after Richie’s 5-year-old ran naked through an important work call on Zoom.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Quarantined With Family Actually has to Spend Father’s Day With His Kids

Heartbroken Hungry Dad
(Getty/JGI/Jamie Grill)

BALTIMORE, MD – For dads all throughout the country, this Father’s Day is unlike any in recent memory. Take for instance 36-year-old Cal Bordick, a dad who’s quarantined with his family and has no choice but to spend Father’s Day this year with his kids.

“On a normal Father’s Day I’d be out eating BBQ or watching the Orioles with my friends, but this year I’ve been celebrating by spending the last thirty minutes chasing my son around to get him to take a bath,” said Cal, who unfortunately hasn’t been afforded the typical Father’s Day hall pass to be off parent duty while stuck in quarantine.

Even though Cal’s spouse told him he could have some privacy if he wanted to video chat with his friends as a small consolation, Cal knew it was a futile effort since his kids would just throttle the internet connection playing on their iPads, leaving Cal no choice but to grit his teeth and settle in for sixteen uninterrupted waking hours of time with his kids.

“I love my children and wouldn’t want to spend Father’s Day any other way,” Cal continued, wistfully starring at his golf clubs in the corner of the den that he hadn’t had the chance to bust out this season.

While Father’s Day may not have been all Cal hoped it would be this year, his family promised him that next year he would get a two-day long celebration to make up for it. Though let’s be honest, when that time comes around chances are they’ll conveniently forget.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Father’s Day Dad Spending Time With His Loved Ones: New Balances and Mower

Father's Day Dad
(Getty/FangXiaNuo)

WILMINGTON, DE – Father’s Day is a special occasion in the Martinez household, which is why every year Derek—the patriarch of the Martinez family—makes a point of spending the entire day alongside those most important to him: his New Balances sneakers and his riding mower.

“I don’t feel the need to be pampered or receive any lavish gifts, I just want to spend Father’s Day with those that I love,” said Derek, as he laced up his sneakers before heading out in the backyard to ride atop his mower for the next four hours.

While Derek’s wife and children went about this Father’s Day as they would any other normal day, Derek rode around the yard in circles with a massive grin on his face. At one point, he was even seen leaning over to give the riding mower a hug, a sight that his family caught a glimpse of but chose to ignore.

“As a father, I couldn’t be prouder of you all,” continued Derek, looking directly at his trusty New Balances and also referring to the identical seven pairs he had stowed away in his closet.

Unfortunately for Derek, he had to eventually get off his mower and come inside to receive his Father’s Day gift from his children of yet another necktie.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Crafty Kids Trick Angry Dad Into Turning Car Around Twice, Arrive at Mini-Golf

(Getty/AJ_Watt)

Timmy and Samantha Blomquist pulled off what was once presumed to be impossible this week when they successfully tricked their perturbed father into turning the car around a second time.

This ingenious feat of manipulation came about on a family trip to a local mini-golf course. When the kids kept kicking his backseat, Blomquist patriarch Richard issued a stern warning to the back seat: behave or, so help him God, he’ll turn this car around.

“Well. He did,” confirmed 6-year-old Timmy. “We thought he was bluffing, but he actually turned the car around.”

“Luckily, we had an ace up our sleeve,” added Samantha.

With mini-golf abruptly canceled and the car now on course for the Blomquist homestead, the kids had no choice but to get their dad to turn the vehicle around a second time, completing the 360-degree pivot and pointing their SUV back in the direction of mini-golf.

“I didn’t think there was any way this would work,” remembered Timmy. “But sure enough, all it took was twenty solid minutes of off-key singing for dad to threaten to turn the car around, forgetting that he, like, already just did that.”

“He seemed pretty annoyed when we wound up at the mini-golf course instead of our house,” Samantha continued. “But mostly I think he’s just mad we got one over on him.”

When asked about future collaborations, the kids revealed they are strategizing a series of staged quarrels over the family iPad for their next trip to Grandma’s which, if executed perfectly, could eventually turn the car around all the way into Disneyland.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

BREAKING: Fed-Up Dad Actually Turning This Car Around

Turn This Car Around
(Getty/Kathleen Finlay)

PADUCAH, KY – In a move fellows dads are calling unprecedented, local father Sammy Prater made history this week when he became the first fed-up dad to actually turn this car around.

The threat, a time-tested go-to for every frustrated dad behind the wheel, revealed itself shortly after Prater’s twin 8-year-old sons launched into a particularly irritating rendition of “99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall” while on their way to the Newport Aquarium.

Sources claim the twins made it all the way down to 64 bottles before Prater snapped in the rearview.

“I swear,” Prater yelled, “if you two don’t pipe down back there, so help me God I will turn this car right around. Don’t test me. Sea turtles? More like no one’s gonna see turtles.”

His bluff was called and the twins went for that 63rd bottle without hesitation. What happened next, no one expected.

“He… actually did it,” one twin stated when reached for comment. “The absolute madman, he really turned this car around. I’d always just assumed that was the emptiest of all dad threats.”

But sure enough, Prater, a man of his word, executed a sharp u-turn at the first opportunity and drove them right back to Paducah.

“Had it been any other song,” Prater added, “perhaps we’d still be en route to the aquarium. ‘John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt’ maybe. ‘Three Blind Mice.’ I guarantee you we’d be looking at sea turtles right now had they just belted out one stanza of ‘Three Blind Mice.'”

Prater was almost tricked into turning the car around once more, setting course back to the aquarium, when the young boys started assaulting each other at the sight of various color Volkswagens.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEARTWARMING: Isolated Dad Befriends Robotic Lawnmower

Dad Befriends Robotic Lawnmower
(Getty/Sebastian Gollnow)

In a bid for any semblance of camaraderie outside of his family, local dad Barry McLeod has chosen to put aside his beef with the robot lawnmower and finally befriended it.

“It’s an unlikely friendship, for sure,” stated McLeod, who’d previously harbored strong animosity for the smart mower, fearing he’d eventually be rendered useless in the great robot uprising. “It can’t talk back, but the mobility gives it some appearance of sentience. Also, it isn’t my wife or kids, so that’s really cool during quarantine life. Our friendship has become so strong that we’ll be pals long after COVID-19 is in our rearview mirrors.”

McLeod, seen above sharing a cold one with his new companion, was initially hesitant of the technology, worried his passion for mowing would one day be supplanted with sheer convenience.

“I won it in a work raffle,” he continued. “I loathed it so much I didn’t even open the box. But it turned out to be a really chill piece of lawn equipment, thanks in no small part to its incapacity for speech. Doesn’t scream about Paw Patrol or ask weird hypotheticals or anything. Very cool.”

McLeod’s wife could not be reached for comment, as she was inside discussing the arts with a Roomba.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Mother’s Day Flowers Yet Another Thing Wife Must Keep Alive During Quarantine

Mother's Day Flower Responsibility
(Getty/Jupiterimages)

HATTIESBURG, MS – Having just had a baby earlier this year, local father Kevin Maroney surprised his wife on her first Mother’s Day by giving her the gift of flowers, yet another thing for her to try and keep alive during quarantine.

“Flowers! Uh, thanks!” said Kevin’s wife Rachel, unable to muster any more of a thank you knowing that keeping these flowers alive would be an additional burden considering she was already singlehandedly ensuring that the entire household featuring her husband, baby, and dog were safe and well-fed in these trying times.

Being particularly proud of what he figured to be a thoughtful gift, Kevin had no idea that the time Rachel would now spend focused on maintaining the flowers would, in turn, lessen his chances of surviving the pandemic—albeit microscopically—as he spent years as an utterly helpless bachelor before meeting her.

“Honey, what’s the ETA on dinner?” asked Kevin to his wife, unaware that it would end up being microwaved canned spaghetti tonight since the time she normally spent cooking his dinner would now be used potting and watering the flowers.

While things are bound to change throughout the remainder of quarantine, Rachel’s current priorities in terms of who to keep alive go, baby, dog, flowers, husband in that order.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Annoying Store Only Lets 5 Forgetful Dads in at a Time to Buy Mother’s Day Cards

Dads Wait in Line
(Getty/Michael Ciaglo/Stringer)

ONEONTA, NY – Taking into account social distancing recommendations from state and federal officials, one local drug store is doing what they can to prepare for what might be their busiest shopping day of the year, as employees will only allow five forgetful dads in at a time to buy Mother’s Day cards.

“On Mother’s Day weekend we tend to see ten times our normal daily customer total, so it’s imperative we protect our community against an influx of boneheaded husbands who shouldn’t have waited,” said Miller’s Drug Store owner Michael Miller, noting that the line of dads was dozens down the block when they opened at 8am this morning.

In addition to limiting the number of customers, the store is also taking extra precautions to protect against potential infection, such as informing men that they can no longer pick up a card, read it to see if it’s perfect, and put it back if they think their wife will hate it.

“I completely understand the store’s policies because being prepared is important,” said customer Richard Hansen, who woke up in a cold sweat at 6am realizing he forgot it was Mother’s Day and ran out the door to buy a card in a panic.

While Miller’s Drug Store is doing a great job, they’re not the only business in town that’s taking action. In preparation for Father’s Day next month, both the hardware and liquor stores down the street have also implemented similar distancing procedures.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

“You’re Grounded!” Shouts Dad Forgetting His Kid Can’t Go Anywhere Anyway

Dad Grounds Quarantined Son
(Getty/Lisbeth Hjort)

FRANKLIN, TN – Ryan Mitchell gave his 11-year-old son Bryce a simple ultimatum “get off the iPad, or else.” For the seventh straight time that day, like a pitcher shaking off a catcher’s sign, Bryce ignored his warning. Ryan was forced to put his foot down, sentencing the boy to a two-week grounding.

“You’re grounded,” he yelled in his go-to stern voice, feeling proud of his no-nonsense parenting skills.

“Yeah, dad, we all are, read the news,” Bryce said. “The governor grounded all of us.”

“No, the governor grounded the rest of the family, I GROUNDED YOU,” he said, obviously struggling with a satisfactory retort. His child was right. The entire family had been restricted on a shelter-in-place order, due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

Still, he wasn’t about to be bested by an insolent pre-teen, so he quickly pivoted to save face. There’s always another punishment.

“Fine, you love your iPad so much, guess what? NO IPAD FOR A MONTH!” Ryan yelled.

“Nope, wrong again. The school mandates I need that for remote learning,” his son replied while chuckling.

Ryan almost smashed the iPad in a fit of rage, but then remembered how much it would suck if he had to teach the kid himself. He shuddered at the thought of re-learning math, just so he could teach it to an ungrateful adolescent.

“Well, if you don’t start behaving, I’m turning this car around!” Ryan yelled out of habit, to the confused bewilderment of everyone in his house. At this point, it was clear he had lost control of the situation.

The defeated dad quietly slinked away, tentatively planning to garnish some of the boy’s allowance. But first, he needed to make sure the boy wasn’t drawing some sort of government assistance to replace lost income.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Devastated Dad Forced to Pull Own Finger Amid Social Distancing Era

Dad Unable to Fart Unless Finger is Pulled
(Getty/ljubaphoto)

HELENA, MT – Following the recommendation of state and federal health officials, local father Harper Jones has been extra health-conscious these past few weeks. However, that additional caution has left him in a state of despair, as this devastated dad has been given no choice but to pull his own finger amid the social distancing era.

“It’s just not the same – I mean, the farts are 50% as powerful at best,” claimed Jones, knowing that these precautions are in the interest of he and his family’s well-being, even though pulling one’s own finger completely negates the surprise pranking element.

Sadly, Harper’s wife and children haven’t fallen for his silly prank for quite some time. In recent years Harper has relied heavily on strangers to pull his finger. Now, amid social distancing, unprecedented levels of flatulence continue to build within his abdomen.

“It’s been so long since I farted naturally that I forgot how to do it unless someone pulls my finger,” said an increasingly uncomfortable Jones, who asked our interviewer to put on a mask and glove and pull his finger, a request that our interviewer politely declined.

With no other options, Harper has been experimenting with tying one end of a rope to his finger, the other to a doorknob, and subsequently slamming the door, though the success of that plan remains to be seen.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEARTBREAKING: 6 Feet of Unkempt Grass Between Quarantined Neighbors

6-feet of unkempt grass
(Getty/Pgiam)

COLUMBIA, SC – While nobody can deny that social distancing is a necessity in these trying times, it continues to have an unprecedented impact on the lives of many Americans. Take for instance the heartbreaking case of Michael Davies and Kevin Waller, two self-quarantined neighbors whose lawns have 6 feet of unkempt grass separating them.

“We’re always out mowing the lawn at the same time, so in the name of safety we can’t bring our lawnmowers any closer,” said Michael with regards to the six-foot gap, noting that it was the worst his lawn has looked in years, though it still remains miles better than Kevin’s.

Considering both men have nothing better to do than spend hours on end taking care of their yard, it’s unlikely that either one will have the time to tend to the unkempt region at a safe distance, which could affect their standing in the HOA’s yard of the month program.

“I suggested we have a neutral third party come in and clean the grass up while we both stay indoors, but Michael is very protective of his lawn having won the yard of the month award four months running,” said Kevin, who understands they may have to live with the tall grass barrier for the foreseeable future until a vaccine is developed.

Hopefully these two men can figure out a resolution soon, because every dad deserves a yard that they can be proud of and find comfort in, especially now.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Isolated Dad Settles for Coaching Son’s Video Game Baseball Team

Dad Coaches Son's Baseball Video Game
(Getty/Hill Street Studios)

DETROIT, MI – As our country has seen the postponement of youth sports leagues nationwide, it’s not only affected children but parents as well. Take for instance local father Miles Callahan, who usually coaches his son’s little league team but now has to settle for coaching a computer baseball team.

“You need to learn the fundamentals, which is why I’m telling you to bunt,” said Miles, who then grabbed his son’s laptop to show him how to lay down a bunt even though doing so made the game decidedly less fun.

While Miles got more and more into managing his son’s virtual team, his son felt the opposite way and left the room to go ride his bike in the cul-de-sac while Miles meticulously scoured over the stats to determine which of the Toronto Blue Jays players would be the best pinch hitter.

“Hustle! Hustle!” shouted Miles at the screen even though the players couldn’t hear him, thus embarrassing his son more than he ever had during actual little league games.

Miles’s commitment didn’t end there, as he also provided his son with plenty of snacks to replicate being on parental snack duty. However, Miles did find it hard to recreate the feeling of arguing with other parents about their own kid’s lack of playing time.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.