“Sitting Quietly for 3 Hours” Among Classes Offered in New Homeschool Curriculum

Sitting Quietly Homeschool Curriculum
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LANSING, MI – An introductory course in “Sitting Quietly for 3 Hours” is just one of the courses included in the new homeschool curriculum unveiled Wednesday.

Students in “Sitting Quietly” will learn “the fundamentals of how to be alone with their thoughts without bothering your father who needs some space for chrissakes” according to the syllabus.

“As educators, we try to tailor the curriculum to best fit the needs of our students and family,” said the father and homeschool principal Matthew Cheshire. “This year’s theme is ‘Silence and Solitude.'”

Other classes listed in the fall’s course catalog include “Let’s Spread Out And Make This Apartment Feel Bigger”, “Exploring Your Closet By Yourself” and “Advanced Napping,” which Cheshire said is a returning class.

Cheshire said homeschool’s curriculum committee hopes the courses build resilience.

“Students often feel that a problem requires their parent to be involved and our message this year is: deal with it yourself,” he said.

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No Deal Yet as Dad-Toddler Broccoli-Eating Summit Enters 2nd Hour

Dad Toddler Broccoli Standoff
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CHICAGO, IL – Tense negotiations over how many broccoli florets must be eaten at tonight’s dinner have yet to produce an agreement, concerned observers say.

Father Gary Rockland had entered the bilateral summit with hopes of securing a compromise with his 3-year-old daughter, Jane. Sources say the father was willing to accept an offer as low as “two florets” but considered anything less a bright red line he would not cross.

The question is seen as explosive because it has derailed the evening routine and, in the worst-case scenario, could imperil bedtime. The lengthy standoff seems to have convinced both sides that the diplomatic talks are too important in terms of future precedent to cede significant ground.

“At this point, it’s not even about the vegetables,” Rockland said. “It’s about making sure she understands that she can’t just refuse to do what I say. I mean, that’s just … chaos.”

“No way she’s eating anything less than two florets,” Rockland added, in a yell.

As talks continue without a deal, both sides acknowledged that eventually, the summit may need to appoint an arbitrator, like Rockland’s wife, Judith.

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BREAKING: Tired Dad Attempting To Skip Middle 11 Pages of Bedtime Story

Tired Dad Reading Story
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LEXINGTON, KY – In a move onlookers call both daring and reckless, exhausted father Nate Warheim is attempting to speed up bedtime by skipping eleven pages in the middle of his daughter’s bedtime story.

Warheim has previously skipped a sentence or two in a bedtime story as part of an effort to get his 3-year-old daughter under the covers sooner. But his omissions have never been as brazen as today’s attempt to skip 11 pages. The entire storybook is 15 pages so this amounts to eliminating the body of the story.

“The hungry duck asked the rooster if he had any breakfast he could share,” Warheim read before coughing and turning a chunk of pages. “So the dog gave the duck a pillow and said it’s bedtime, goodnight.”

Wareheim says his daughter’s eyes seemed to flicker with confusion at the narrative discontinuity but so far she has not challenged him.

“I think she doesn’t want to admit she didn’t understand the story,” he said.

If this gambit proves successful, Wareheim says next time he will try to convince his daughter that all stories are two pages long.

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Tired Dad Reads CliffsNotes Version of “Goodnight Moon” to Kid at Bedtime

Tired Dad Reading Story
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EVANSVILLE, IN — Seeing the opportunity to expedite bedtime, exhausted father Dennis Stillman is reading his child the literal CliffsNotes version of the classic bedtime story “Goodnight Moon.”

“The bunny says goodnight to a long list of objects, including but not limited to, mittens, kittens, and a comb,” Stillman told his 3-year-old daughter. “Don’t worry about the old woman, she’s not a major factor in the story.”

Once a popular study aid, CliffsNotes provide short summaries of school-assigned novels, allowing students to pass tests without reading them. But the company has recently expanded into children’s stories to help tired fathers truncate bedtime.

Stillman says his children tend to drag out their bedtime routine, so reading capsulized stories is an effective counter-attack.

“I was surprised they had a CliffsNotes for this but I guess it makes sense,” he said. “I loved ‘Goodnight Moon’ when I was a kid but let’s face it, there’s some fat in there.”

Tomorrow night, Stillman plans to read the CliffsNotes version of the Dr. Seuss classic “Green Eggs and Ham.”

“The point is the guy doesn’t like this ham dish until he tries it,” Stillman said. “You don’t really need to go deeper than that.”

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Dad Beefs Up Home Security to Catch Person Meddling With Thermostat

Dad's Thermostat Security
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BILLINGS, MT – Any father can tell you that keeping your house safe and secure is an absolute top priority. That’s why one local dad named Clint Hamilton went above and beyond, as he beefed up his home security to catch the person who’s always meddling with the thermostat.

“It’s my job to look out for my family, and there’s no better way to do that than by ensuring the thermostat is always set to 67 degrees Fahrenheit,” said Clint, who recently upgraded his home security system in an effort to nab the person who bumped the thermostat up to 70 degrees over the weekend.

Clint insists that the state-of-the-art security system will ultimately pay for itself with the money that the family saves on heat, though he’s found it challenging to stay awake to monitor the cameras nonstop and is considering installing a laser tripwire in the thermostat’s vicinity.

“I would ask my wife or kids for help watching the cameras, but they can’t be trusted ever since I found my son’s fingerprints all over the thermostat,” continued Clint, whose additional security measures include reminding his family members to wear a sweatshirt and socks rather than go anywhere near the thermostat.

Unfortunately for Clint, after eighteen consecutive hours monitoring the cameras he finally dozed off, allowing the true culprit, his live-in mother-in-law, a chance to bump it up to 75 degrees for a few hours.

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Entire Neighborhood Enjoys Cool Air as Kid Leaves Front Door Open With A/C on

Door Left Open With AC on
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ASHEVILLE, NC – On one suburban street people gathered en masse earlier this morning to enjoy the beautiful weather outside, as the entire neighborhood basked in the cool air after one family forgot to close the front door to their house with the air conditioner on.

“It’s been a hot, muggy summer, so we’re really appreciative of the Greene family’s willingness to cool the entire neighborhood,” said their neighbor Maria Byrd, none the wiser to the fact that 9-year-old Jimmy Greene forgot to shut the door after bringing in groceries.

As the neighbors celebrated the crisp, fall-like air, the father, John Greene was inside struggling to figure out why his home didn’t feel as cool as it normally did and even bumped the A/C up to full blast in order to remedy the problem—a decision that was met with people cheering the streets.

“With the neighborhood pool closed at the moment, this is the next best way to cool off,” continued Maria, who along with her neighbors considered starting a crowdfunding campaign to help cover the cost of what would surely prove to be a hefty electric bill for John.

Unfortunately, after several hours of this impromptu neighborhood block party, John finally realized that the front door was open. Much to his chagrin he had actually been paying to cool the neighborhood and money was literally going out the door. Once the door was closed the temperature outdoors to immediately skyrocketed back into the 90s.

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7-Yr-Old Pleased With Recommendations by Restaurant’s “Nugget Sommelier”

7-Yr-Old Approves of “Nugget Sommelier”
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TOLEDO, OH – Second-grader Jesse Landgraf hailed a local restaurant’s nugget sommelier as “sophisticated and insightful,” in a glowing review posted Tuesday.

“I have a sophisticated palate — I eat literally any kind of nugget,” the 7-year-old said in his review of Big Papa’s Diner. “Having a trained nugget professional to communicate with is really important to me.”

Many kid-friendly restaurants now offer a nugget sommelier — or “nuggetista” — since that is the only thing kids will eat.

More than simply providing options for different kinds of nuggets, the 7-year-old said his nugget steward asked insightful questions so he could find the right nugget style for Jake’s palate.

“I was initially leaning toward the beef nuggets, but he said that wouldn’t pair well with my chocolate milk,” Jake recounted. “I appreciate that kind of expertise.”

Ultimately, Jake said he opted for the chicken nuggets because they were shaped like dinosaurs.

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Just When We Thought 2020 Couldn’t Get Worse, Dad Forgets to Test Click Tongs

Dad Forgets to Test Click Tongs
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BRANSON, MO – While the promise of a new decade once had many people excited about the future, 2020 has proven to be a year filled with turmoil and unrest. But just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse, one local dad named Hank Germaine forgot to test click his tongs.

There’s no sugarcoating it – this is an astonishing development that nobody could have seen coming.

“When he fired up the grill and picked up the tongs, I expected him to click them together a few times like he always does, so needless to say I was shocked when he went straight into flipping steaks,” said Hank’s wife Kelli, who hadn’t felt such a rollercoaster of emotions since losing her job back in April.

As Hank continued to work the grill, not once did he click the tongs together in a “We Will Rock You” style rhythm, nor did he ever pretend to be a crab using the tongs as his claws. Instead, he just continued tending to the steaks while never once hitting the two ends of the tongs together, confirming that 2020 is weirder than we ever thought it could be.

“This year has been filled with surprises, many of them for the worse, so I just hope the steaks turn out okay,” continued Kelli, who was worried that forgetting the test the tongs may lead to the steaks being overcooked.

While there’s no denying that this backyard barbeque was more tumultuous than usual, the steaks did in fact turn out properly cooked. Even still, it may be a while until our collective memory can forget just how jarring it was to see a man use a pair of tongs without testing them first.

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“Just Resting My Eyes,” Says Dad Waking up From 8-Year Coma

"Just Resting My Eyes"
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In a development that’s baffling medical professionals worldwide, 56-year-old dad Gary Hudson awoke from an eight-year coma this week, only to matter-of-factly assure his family he’d simply been resting his eyes.

“Just lettin’ the lids take a load off,” Gary said, having just spent the better part of a decade with no observable cognition or awareness of external stimuli. “Can’t be just dozing off mid-Monday now can we.”

Gary, whose cerebrum had recently forgone communication with his brain stem for almost 3,000 consecutive days, guaranteed his loved ones he’d merely shuttered the blinds for a “short rest.”

Sources claim Gary emerged from his comatose state after an orderly changed the hospital room TV channel, which he was watching.

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Local Cat Dad Knows Exactly What Father With Newborn is Going Through

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Emphasizing the importance of a full night’s sleep, and the difficulty in achieving this with a pet that occasionally jumps on you, local cat dad Ben Perkins assured his pal Richie he knew exactly what he, father to a newborn, was going through.

“Yeah man every so often she’ll hop up on the bed at like 3 in the morning,” Ben complained to his buddy that hasn’t clocked more than three hours of shuteye since mid-April. “Purring softly, pawing gently at my face. It’s like um hello some of us have work in the morning! You get that though, what with the baby.”

Richie, who’d just come from changing a diaper that defied the physical laws of human biology, was then clued in on the tedium of litter boxes. “It’s just sift, scoop, sift, scoop,” Ben continued. “I’m essentially on autopilot now. Diapers will get boring after a while too, you’ll see.”

Ben then went on a short rant about cats walking on laptop keyboards, just moments after Richie’s 5-year-old ran naked through an important work call on Zoom.

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Dad Quarantined With Family Actually has to Spend Father’s Day With His Kids

Heartbroken Hungry Dad
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BALTIMORE, MD – For dads all throughout the country, this Father’s Day is unlike any in recent memory. Take for instance 36-year-old Cal Bordick, a dad who’s quarantined with his family and has no choice but to spend Father’s Day this year with his kids.

“On a normal Father’s Day I’d be out eating BBQ or watching the Orioles with my friends, but this year I’ve been celebrating by spending the last thirty minutes chasing my son around to get him to take a bath,” said Cal, who unfortunately hasn’t been afforded the typical Father’s Day hall pass to be off parent duty while stuck in quarantine.

Even though Cal’s spouse told him he could have some privacy if he wanted to video chat with his friends as a small consolation, Cal knew it was a futile effort since his kids would just throttle the internet connection playing on their iPads, leaving Cal no choice but to grit his teeth and settle in for sixteen uninterrupted waking hours of time with his kids.

“I love my children and wouldn’t want to spend Father’s Day any other way,” Cal continued, wistfully starring at his golf clubs in the corner of the den that he hadn’t had the chance to bust out this season.

While Father’s Day may not have been all Cal hoped it would be this year, his family promised him that next year he would get a two-day long celebration to make up for it. Though let’s be honest, when that time comes around chances are they’ll conveniently forget.

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Father’s Day Dad Spending Time With His Loved Ones: New Balances and Mower

Father's Day Dad
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WILMINGTON, DE – Father’s Day is a special occasion in the Martinez household, which is why every year Derek—the patriarch of the Martinez family—makes a point of spending the entire day alongside those most important to him: his New Balances sneakers and his riding mower.

“I don’t feel the need to be pampered or receive any lavish gifts, I just want to spend Father’s Day with those that I love,” said Derek, as he laced up his sneakers before heading out in the backyard to ride atop his mower for the next four hours.

While Derek’s wife and children went about this Father’s Day as they would any other normal day, Derek rode around the yard in circles with a massive grin on his face. At one point, he was even seen leaning over to give the riding mower a hug, a sight that his family caught a glimpse of but chose to ignore.

“As a father, I couldn’t be prouder of you all,” continued Derek, looking directly at his trusty New Balances and also referring to the identical seven pairs he had stowed away in his closet.

Unfortunately for Derek, he had to eventually get off his mower and come inside to receive his Father’s Day gift from his children of yet another necktie.

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Crafty Kids Trick Angry Dad Into Turning Car Around Twice, Arrive at Mini-Golf

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Timmy and Samantha Blomquist pulled off what was once presumed to be impossible this week when they successfully tricked their perturbed father into turning the car around a second time.

This ingenious feat of manipulation came about on a family trip to a local mini-golf course. When the kids kept kicking his backseat, Blomquist patriarch Richard issued a stern warning to the back seat: behave or, so help him God, he’ll turn this car around.

“Well. He did,” confirmed 6-year-old Timmy. “We thought he was bluffing, but he actually turned the car around.”

“Luckily, we had an ace up our sleeve,” added Samantha.

With mini-golf abruptly canceled and the car now on course for the Blomquist homestead, the kids had no choice but to get their dad to turn the vehicle around a second time, completing the 360-degree pivot and pointing their SUV back in the direction of mini-golf.

“I didn’t think there was any way this would work,” remembered Timmy. “But sure enough, all it took was twenty solid minutes of off-key singing for dad to threaten to turn the car around, forgetting that he, like, already just did that.”

“He seemed pretty annoyed when we wound up at the mini-golf course instead of our house,” Samantha continued. “But mostly I think he’s just mad we got one over on him.”

When asked about future collaborations, the kids revealed they are strategizing a series of staged quarrels over the family iPad for their next trip to Grandma’s which, if executed perfectly, could eventually turn the car around all the way into Disneyland.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.