Preschool Market Woefully Underprepared For Holiday Season

Fisher-Price

Shoppers may be used to long lines and flustered staff during the holiday season, but nobody was prepared for the pandemonium at a local preschool’s play market over the past week. Ms. Meredith, the class teacher reported that the 3 to 5-year-old little entrepreneurs were committed to creating the “ultimate best super holiday store,” as early as five minutes before opening the doors, but parents were baffled by almost every managerial decision made by the group of mostly potty-trained children.

For starters, Shirly’s Farm-to-Market stand made no effort to switch to a more seasonably appropriate inventory. You would typically expect an artisanal merchant to stock some pumpkin-spiced goodies during the fall and winter, but instead she is standing by the more rustic veggies that made her spring offering such a success.

Farm To Market Playset

When asked if this was a calculated move to offset oversaturation in the market, Shirly responded by holding up a couple of bright red tomatoes, and insisting audaciously that “no, these are pumpkins now, see?” When challenged on that claim, the young farmer pivoted to asking whether pumpkins were fruits or vegetables, and this reporter was forced to concede that while pumpkins are technically fruits, it does seem like they should be vegetables, and the point was dropped.

It should be said that while the preschoolers may have been unprepared to manage a bustling pop-up market, some children at least had an eye for clever branding opportunities.

Cake Pop Playset

“It’s like a popsicle, but it’s cake. Those are my two favorite foods,” said aspiring baker Timothy, showcasing a decadent cake-pop display. Pressed for details about his inspiration for opening a cake pop shop within a pop-up market, the aspiring baker replied, “This one is blueberry, even though it’s pink.” Genius isn’t always articulate.

Still, the cracks of Timothy’s business plan began to show early on. Originally hoping to include a selection of charcuterie and other snackable treats, the young restauranteur was forced to let his friend Melanie take over that side of the budding business. There is a strict sharing policy in place at the market that helps prevent monopolies and the occasional tantrum.

Snacks Playset

Asked if he would do anything different, Timothy looked thoughtful for a moment, then informed me that the cake pop icing doesn’t always fit on top of the macaroons, but he can just put it in the middle and hold it together. Hopefully the same is true of his business model.

It’s not just the food merchants facing a heavy hit during the holidays. Caden mans the sheers at the market barber shop, but patrons coming in for a family holiday photo sometimes walked away a bit confused.

“I don’t really think of myself as a ‘hipster,” said Caden’s mother. “So I was a little confused when he styled me with this beard right out of Brooklyn,” she chuckled. “It just doesn’t fit my mom-aesthetic, you know for a few reasons.”

Barber Shop Playset

If anyone got ahead of the curve, however, it was local jack-of-all-trades Cynthia, who was on hand with her trusty toolkit to help with the holiday decorating. While you wouldn’t think hanging decorations required a full-caliber wood saw, the young handywoman seemed adamant about hacking away at every surface she found. An eager superintendent might be a dream to some, but Cynthia’s enthusiasm left not a lot of decoration-baring structures standing.

Toolkit Playset

“I mean, you expect a little chaos, but this is just insane,” said one local shopper, who conceded that even though her shopping experience was more tiring than usual, she’d still be a repeat customer. “The kids are just so freakin’ cute. What else do you want?”

Pretend Play, a new line of pretend toys from Fisher-Price®, encourages children to explore the wonder of their imaginations with toys that mix wood, plastic, and soft materials. Find out more about Pretend Play here.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, This Just In is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only.

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Fisher-Price®

“Eating too Much Candy Causes Stomach Aches,” Warns Dad With Stomach Ache

Dad Gets Stomach Ache from Candy
(Gatty/ljubaphoto)

HIALEAH, FL – In a stern warning to his children with regards to their Halloween haul, local father Nick Wallace cautioned his kids against eating too much candy or else they’d suffer stomach pains, which ironically are what Nick seems to be suffering from at this very moment.

“If you eat too much candy, you’ll get a stomach ache,” advised Nick, before abruptly dry heaving and clutching at his belly, which may be a clue as to where his children’s missing candy disappeared to.

While Nick rolled around on the couch in agony, his kids concluded—and rightfully so—that he was the reason there seemed to be fewer Twix bars in each of their candy bags than they had remembered, leaving them to doubt whether their dad’s warning came with good intentions or if he was just trying to distract from his own transgressions.

“Trust me, you don’t want to end up laying on the sofa feeling like you’re going to throw up. Now if you’ll excuse me…” said Nick, just prior to bolting out of the room and into the bathroom where vomiting sounds could be heard.

Confirming their suspicions, Nick’s children found several discarded candy wrappers in the trashcan located in their dad’s man cave, making them hesitant to ever listen to their father’s advice ever again.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

“That’s a scary mask,” Says Savage Dad To Trick-or-Treater Not Even Wearing One

(Getty | AleksandarNakic)

ROCHESTER, NY – In what has been self-described as the sickest, most creative burn that he’s ever come up with, 43-year-old Peter Wyatt said, “That’s a scary mask,” to a trick-or-treater who approached his door, even though the child wasn’t even wearing one.

“Get it? It’s funny because you’re not wearing a mask!” continued Peter, desperately trying to get a laugh out of the kid who was clearly more interested in candy than listening to dad jokes, especially since he had already heard the same joke at a few previous houses in the last hour.

As the trick-or-treater departed from Peter’s doorstep, Peter was certain that the kid would go and tell all their friends about the cool, funny dad who was handing out candy, which would give Peter plenty more opportunities tonight to tell what he considered to be the perfect joke.

“That’s a scary mask! …Did you hear me? I said, that’s a scary mask!” repeated Peter to the next set of trick-or-treaters who he thought didn’t hear him, when in reality they were just ignoring him and focusing on the candy.

As things stand, Peter has noticed fewer and fewer trick-or-treaters coming by his house, probably because word finally got around that he was telling awful jokes to anyone who rang his doorbell.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

“Dad Tax” On Candy Forecasted For Record High This Halloween

(Getty/PeopleImages)

Halloween is a beloved holiday for children across the nation, but this Halloween will bring a little less joy than normal, as the “dad tax” on Halloween candy is projected to be at record highs this season.

“Yeah, um, I think it has to do with like, inflation or something?” said local dad Austin Gordon, who was salivating at the anticipation of a serious fun-size Snickers influx into his life.

Experts say the economy, along with “epic” improvements in the confection industry, are to blame for the sharp increase.

“There are actually some very sound economic principles behind the move,” said economic professor Dr. Marvin Allen. “We saw a significant cut to the dad tax during the economic downtown of 2008, due to higher amounts of inexpensive candy, such as candy corn, miniature Tootsie Rolls, and Good ‘N Plenty. Now that conditions have improved, it’s reasonable to expect a higher amount, especially with a significant increase of dark chocolate Kit Kat and Almond Joy in the market.”

“Basically, the problem boils down to this: there’s too much good freaking candy.”

Whereas the Halloween candy dad tax was once measured in pieces, handfuls are the new norm. Some experts say it’s not unreasonable to see it as high as 30 percent for premium chocolate candy and above 50 percent for any full-size bars.

“This is a holiday for children, and they are the priority here,” said dad Tyler Godwin. “And the truth is, too much of a good thing is a real danger, so taking a little off the top is really just to help keep them safe.”

Every dad contacted for this story said candy is obviously unhealthy and that they normally wouldn’t eat much, but are planning to eat an unprecedented amount on Halloween night, because making that sacrifice for their kids is “part of being a dad.”

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Scientists Baffled By Toddler Who Woke At 4am, Refused Nap, “Seems to be growing more powerful”

(Getty/puhhha)

A 2-year-old in Cincinnati is defying everything we thought we knew about the science of sleep.

Despite waking for the day at 4am, she refused her afternoon nap and is now too wired to fall asleep at bedtime. Defying all laws of science, logic, God, and man, the child continues to refuse sleep. She has also been making noise nonstop for a record-breaking 16 hours.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” says leading sleep scientist Meredith Rischmann. “With the extremely early wake time and no nap, she should be MORE tired than usual, but it seems like she’s only getting more powerful. She’s in perpetual motion, working indefinitely without an energy source, and we can’t explain it.”

“I can barely keep my eyes open,” states her dad, “We’re getting desperate. There seems to be no end in sight.”

Scientists are unable to explain how the child has not passed out and refuses to settle down, despite being read 3 bedtime stories and given a drink of water. People from the community are rallying around the family, with one neighbor suggesting lavender essential oils, to little avail.

“We tried putting a drop of lavender oil on her pillow, and it’s almost like the nice smell had no effect on her at all!” says her dad.

In a shocking exclusive interview, the toddler in question was asked when she planned to sleep and she screamed, “NEVER!” The child then began levitating and glowing with blinding white heat in a state of pure, uncontrolled energy.

Her exhausted mother was unable to comment, as she had fallen asleep on the couch despite the extremely loud conditions.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Man Dresses as 49ers Fan for Halloween, Also Every Other Day

Dad Goes as 49ers Fan
(Getty/Jose Luis Pelaez Inc)

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Decked out wearing a vintage Jerry Rice jersey and holding his lucky autographed football, Bay Area resident Gerald West spent Halloween dressed up as a 49ers superfan, which just so happens to be what he also dresses as every other day of his life.

“You’ve got a great costume, I wish I dressed up too!” said Gerald to a trick-or-treater at his door, thus confusing the child who had initially thought Gerald was dressed up like a football player specifically for the holiday, when in reality Gerald has worn at least one piece of 49ers apparel every day since 1987.

While Gerald had stocked up on plenty of popcorn and beer for the 49ers-Cardinals game taking place Halloween night, he had neglected to buy any candy having not even realized it was Halloween to begin with, leaving him no choice but to hand out popcorn to most trick-or-treaters and beer to their parents.

“No, get out of here!” screamed Gerald at a child who showed up at his door wearing Seahawks apparel, before realizing that the child probably wasn’t trying to antagonize him by wearing rival gear, but rather that the kid was most likely dressing up as the scariest thing he could imagine.

Even though Gerald has been more than happy to answer the door for most of the day, anyone who arrives after the 49ers game starts will have to wait until the half, because no amount of doorbell ringing is going to force Gerald to miss a single drive even if it results in his house getting egged.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Everyone Keeping Score at Kids Soccer Game Where Teams “Don’t Keep Score”

Parents Keeping Score
(Getty/Corbis/VCG)

It was a beautiful fall afternoon for a friendly match between two instructional soccer teams. This level is designed for beginners aged 7 to 9 so the score is not a factor. Yet every single person there was aware the Gold Tigers team would have dominated the Blue Ghosts 9-3 if the score had actually been kept.

“Both teams played hard and had a lot of fun,” said Tigers head coach Ryan Hamilton. “If I had to get specific, I’d say we had an amount of fun equivalent to scoring nine times. And they definitely had less than that. But we don’t keep score so who knows for sure?”

Greg Stephenson, coach for the Ghosts, agreed the kids had a swell time. “We need to work a little harder if we want to have more fun though,” he said. “In my experience, the most fun thing in soccer is scoring goals. And I know we don’t keep score, but if I had to ballpark it, I’d say we scored exactly three times. Which, if we had kept score, would’ve been about seven too few.”

The score isn’t kept during these games because the emphasis is all about the kids having fun. The Blue Ghosts, however, were visibly demoralized by the Tigers kicking the ball into the goal relentlessly. A random survey of the family members on the sideline indicated everyone was not only aware of the number of times each team kicked into the net, but also specifically which kids would have scored if scoring was a thing (which it isn’t).

“I loved watching my big brother score six times,” said 5-year-old Richie Hamilton, who spent most of the game playing on his mom’s phone but was still bang-on with his goal estimate.

Lizzie, a player for the Ghosts, said the highlight of the game was the snacks and drinks after the game. “That was definitely more fun than losing the game 9-3,” she admitted.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Hungry Dad Left Heartbroken When Kids Eat Their Entire Meals

Heartbroken Hungry Dad
(Getty/JGI/Jamie Grill)

Kevin Miller decided to treat his kids by bringing home a Chick-Fil-A lunch, ordering a sensible salad for himself so he’d appear to be a responsible adult. In his head, he was doing the mental math of the leftovers he’d soon be feasting on from the kids’ meals he ordered for his three kids. He was left heartbroken, though, when they all finished their entire meals.

“Oh, Tristen, you ate all your nuggets, great job,” he said in a shockingly passive-aggressive fashion. He then moved on to his middle child, feeling comfortable in A.J.’s eating habits that he’d have at least a spare nugget and half an order of fries to eat. Panic began to creep in when the boy plopped the last nugget into his mouth. Kevin frantically grabbed the bag, hoping to at least secure a few fries that are almost always in the bottom. He stared with utter disbelief into the endless depths of an empty bag.

“There’s…there’s nothing left,” he breathed, his voice barely above a whisper. He began to nervously peck at the remnants of his salad, which had consisted of a handful of pieces of lettuce, two miniature pieces of chicken and some indecipherable vegetable combination. He had already consumed the seasoned croutons in what felt like ages ago.

His face turned white as he turned his gaze to his youngest, daughter Kayleigh. Still, he had hope. Sure, his bounty wouldn’t be the glorious feast he expected, but Kayleigh never let him down. And he had planned for this. She was only 2, and he had ordered her a 6-count meal, knowing full well she rarely ate more than two.

“Daddy, look, I finished all my food!” she beamed, as a tear began to trickle down his cheek.

He turned ashen, realizing the dream was dead. There would be no leftovers. There would be no scavenging. Instead, he spent the rest of the afternoon with a literal feeling of emptiness.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Ashamed Dad Disposes of Indoor Grill in Alleyway Dumpster

Dad Disposes of Indoor Grill
(Getty/ Simo Leito / EyeEm)

FORT WAYNE, IN – Attempting to put a particularly shameful moment from his past behind him without anyone finding out, 42-year-old Curtis Powell snuck out of his house in the middle of the night, walked down the block to a darkened alleyway, and quietly disposed of his old indoor appliance in a dumpster.

“You didn’t see anything,” said Curtis, as he slipped a $5 bill to a random passerby at the end of the alley, in a desperate effort to keep it secret that he had used an indoor grill back in his university dormitory, which wouldn’t fly today considering his family and friends are fully aware he’s a self-proclaimed grill master.

While Curtis originally considered either donating the grill or perhaps selling it at a tag sale, he realized the risk was far too great that one of his buddies would see him carrying the appliance and call him out on it, a shame that would be impossible to live down at every future backyard BBQ.

“I just hope there’s no photographic evidence, or else I’ll have to burn those images,” said an increasingly paranoid Curtis, aware that there may be several images out there of him grilling up novice-level burgers at the dorm parties that he and his roommates used to host.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Considering Donating Yard Shoes to Lawn Mowing Hall of Fame

Dad to Donate Lawn Shoes to HOF
(The Dad/Joel Willis)

CINCINNATI, OH – Having utilized a single pair of sneakers for the majority of his prolific yardwork career, 35-year-old Geoff Miller now realizes it might be time to give back to the fans, as he’s considering donating his yard shoes to the Lawn Mowing Hall of Fame.

“These shoes have been on my feet for some iconic moments, from when I conquered the crabgrass back in 2013 to that time in 2016 when I mowed the entire lawn despite having the flu. I think it’s time I shared them with the world,” said a proud Geoff, whose decision was made a little easier by the fact he was just gifted some New Balances with terrific arch support.

The Lawn Mowing Hall of Fame possesses some of the greatest artifacts in lawn history, such as Bill Clevinger’s green-tinted cargo shorts, Horace Wilson’s sweat-stained sunhat, and Nick Galef’s trustworthy E160 lawn tractor, making Geoff’s yard shoes the perfect potential addition to an already impressive collection.

“We’ve been in talks with Geoff for quite some time and would display his shoes in a place of honor,” said museum curator Ty McCarthy, who also hinted at a possible induction for Geoff in the upcoming Hall of Fame class.

While it seems inevitable, Geoff has yet to officially retire the shoes, as he hopes to let them ride off into the sunset by wearing them for one final mow in anticipation of next weekend’s big family reunion.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Reassures Son Monster in Closet Not as Scary as One Under Bed

Dad Reassures Son
(Getty/Siri Stafford)

GREENSBORO, NC – Having ran into his screaming son’s bedroom in a panic, local father Oscar Molina assessed the situation and realized there was nothing for his child to worry about, as he reassured his boy that the monster in the closet wasn’t as scary as the one under the bed.

“When I heard my son, Jonathan, crying, I feared the worst. But when he claimed that he was worried about the monster in his closet I made sure to comfort him and say, ‘Kid, you’ve got bigger problems than that,’” said Oscar, pointing under Jonathan’s bed in the direction of the heinous creature that posed a greater risk to his son and especially any of his friends should they ever sleep on the floor during a sleepover.

To prove to his son that there was nothing to fear, Oscar walked into the closet and emerged unscathed, but then as he approached the bed again, he was bitten pretty badly on the toe and had to run out of the room to grab a bandage.

“Sleep tight, and remember, don’t let your arm dangle off the bed,” said Oscar as he turned off the lights and shut the door, content that he had put his son’s concerns at ease.

While Jonathan continued to cry throughout the night, Oscar knew that his son was still perfectly fine, considering that if the monster under the bed got to him then there would be total silence.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Cool Pilot Doesn’t Give a Shit if You Put Your Devices in Airplane Mode

Pilot Doesn't Care About Airplane Mode
(Getty/Image Source)

QUEENS, NY – In a series of last-minute announcements over the PA system, passengers on the upcoming flight from LaGuardia to LAX have been reminded that they are free to use their phones and laptops as they please, because their cool as hell pilot doesn’t give a shit if they put their electronics in airplane mode.

“Keep it on, turn it off, you and I both know it doesn’t interfere with anything,” said pilot Kevin Austin in the most chill tone possible, before confirming over the PA that he’d turn a blind eye if anyone wanted to join the mile-high club.

Despite FAA regulations prohibiting doing so, passengers started opening their devices to stream Netflix, text their friends, and blare Spotify, as the captain chimed in once again to reiterate that what happens on his plane, stays on his plane.

“If we experience turbulence, one of you mofos best be streaming AC/DC’s ‘Highway To Hell’ the whole way, kapeesh?” continued Kevin as the plane officially took off, leaving passengers no choice but to accept Kevin’s set of laissez-faire rules for the sky.

Shortly after departure, witnesses on the ground saw Kevin pull off a couple of barrel rolls and even an impressive backflip before the flight continued on its normal route to Los Angeles.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad’s Well-Used Lawn Care Shoes Mistaken for Ancient Roman Artifact

Lawn Care Shoes Mistaken for Artifact
(The Dad/Joel Willis)

ASBURY PARK, NJ – In what was initially thought to be a monumental archaeological discovery, a team of scientists from Princeton University mistook a pair of well-used lawn mowing shoes for an ancient Roman artifact, believing the sneakers to be centuries old when in fact they were just extremely dirty from hundreds of hours spent working in the backyard.

“We had no idea the Roman Empire extended this far. This discovery could rewrite the history books,” said chief archaeologist Oliver Wright, before being informed that the shoes belonged to 41-year-old Noah Miller and that the reason they looked so old was that Noah wore them while mowing the lawn every Sunday for the last eighteen years.

The team from Princeton was all but certain that the shoes dated back to the time of Augustus until one researcher looked inside the tongue and found, written in faded sharpie, “Please return to Noah Miller if found.”

“We are extremely disappointed to learn that the shoes are not from ancient Rome, but rather that they were purchased at a Payless in the early 2000s,” continued Oliver, before promptly returning the sneakers to Noah, who was planning to mow the lawn this weekend and couldn’t find them anywhere.

While at first, it appeared that the shoes were destined for a prolific spot within the antiquities wing at The British Museum, it now seems they’ll remain in Noah’s mudroom closet for the foreseeable future.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.