Stud Finder’s Dead Batteries Foil Dad’s Best and Only Joke

Dead Batteries in Stud Finder
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FRESNO, CA – Excited to bust out some comedic material that he had used a million times before, father of three Edward Gardner was left heartbroken upon discovering that the batteries in his stud finger were dead, thus ruining his only joke.

“Found one!” exclaimed an overjoyed Edward as he slid the device over his chest, only to realize that he forgot to replace the batteries, completely derailing his attempt at humor.

As Edward repeatedly tried waving the stud finder over his body to no avail, he dejectedly walked out of the room and began a desperate hunt for batteries, only to realize that the TV remote was dead as well and that there were no AAs to be found.

“Guess I’m not as handsome as I used to be,” joked Edward, hoping to play off his embarrassing gaffe with some self-deprecating humor. Though that joke also failed to land, as rather than laughing his wife bluntly replied, “Guess not.”

Determined to make one last effort even though the time to tell a joke has long passed, Edward is currently up in his daughter’s room removing the batteries from her talking stuffed bear, though he promises to put them back.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad With 9 Identical Pairs of Cargo Shorts Can’t Find Favorite Pair

Man Can't Find Cargo Shorts
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JERSEY CITY, NJ – Running around the house in a panic wondering what could’ve possibly happened to them, 45-year-old Michael Taylor was found frantically searching for his favorite pair of cargo shorts, even though there were eight more identical pairs currently sitting his dresser drawer.

“These are my lucky grilling shorts,” stated Michael to his wife, knowing that they were hosting a backyard BBQ in just an hour’s time and that if he wasn’t wearing his favorite shorts then it probably wasn’t worth hosting a dinner party at all.

As Michael checked each additional pair for the tiny grease stain on the left thigh that designated his favorite shorts from the rest, he claimed that none of them were good enough, when in reality there was no discernible physical difference in the fabric whatsoever.

“Those are my mowing shorts! I can’t wear those!” yelped Michael who was now on the verge of tears, and who had spent years crafting unique purposes for each pair of plaid shorts.

Unfortunately, as Michael continued to freak out about where his shorts could have possibly gone, he failed to realize that he had put them on earlier that day and had been wearing them this whole time. If only he were to stop and take a breath then this whole issue could have been avoided.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Sadistic Ice Cream Truck Driver Proud of How Many Dinners He’s Spoiled

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Sporting a grin that telegraphed anything but remorse, local ice cream truck driver Wayne Perry admitted this week he was proud of all the dinners he’s spoiled during the course of his career.

“Spaghetti, chili, casserole,” Perry bragged. “You name it, chances are I’ve undermined it with a snow cone.”

When asked if he felt any guilt for ruining countless appetites over the years, Perry chuckled.

“Not at all. It’s funny imagining these kids’ parents toiling away in the kitchen, preparing meals I could single-handedly sabotage with a mere fudge pop.”

At press time, Perry was rubbing his hands together menacingly as he considered the total amount of brain freeze he’s responsible for.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Would Select Himself 1st Overall in a Fantasy Lawn Mowing League

Dad Would Pick Himself in Fantasy Lawn Mowing
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TUSCALOOSA, AL – Confident that one particular athlete’s abilities would propel his fantasy team to victory, albeit in a league that did not yet exist, local father, John Levine revealed that he would theoretically select himself 1st overall in a fantasy lawn mowing league.

“I’ve seen my neighbors’ lawns and they’re only capable of amassing twenty, maybe thirty points a week, whereas my lawn is worth a solid fifty,” claimed John, basing his comments on a fantasy scoring system that only he seemed to know and understand.

While John was disappointed to learn that ESPN’s fantasy sports page offered no lawncare-based leagues, he was still insistent that he would be the consensus number one pick, though conceded that Rick Henderson’s lawn was nice enough that some GMs would foolishly choose Rick first and that their teams would be doomed because of it.

“I know that my bye week comes at an inopportune time since we’re visiting the in-laws Labor Day weekend, but my lawn would get me so many points before I leave that my team would already be out to a massive lead,” said John, further stating that the bye week would help him rest up for the lawn mowing playoffs later in September.

As John went on and on about his fantasy lawn mowing prowess, he once again neglected to set his fantasy baseball lineups for a league where, due to his poor managerial skills, he currently sits in last place.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

4-Yr-Old’s Play Kitchen Hit With Dozens of Health Code Violations

Play Kitchen Cited for Health Violations
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The Johnson household was in a state of shock earlier this week when 4-year-old Taylor’s attempt to use her play kitchen to serve her parents breakfast was thwarted by 47 health code violations.

“The milk was being stored in the microwave next to a single hot dog bun and a fistful of Legos, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said health inspector Bill Hughes. “I was hesitant to even open the fridge and almost threw up when I did. It was covered in months-old dried Play-Doh and some sticky blue, viscous substance. God knows what that was. Just disgusting.”

The report also cited a violation for a sink clogged with individual potato chips, single French fries, and four scoops of ice cream (various flavors). The oven was cited for housing an entire family of stuffed Teddy Bears along with a coffee pot and two bunches of grapes. And while it didn’t rise to citation level, the inspector also made note of a miniature Triceratops inexplicably situated inside a coffee cup.

When reached for comment, Taylor’s mom Denise, an early investor in the restaurant, fully disavowed any involvement in the project.

“I can’t believe this,” she said. “Taylor tells us she wants to cook for us and then just runs off…I can’t believe how bad she is at this.”

The shuttering of the restaurant was disappointing to at least one customer in line Sunday morning, Taylor’s dad Rick. He said he always thought the food was, “not bad.”

To her credit, young Taylor took the news surprisingly well. She declared her new intentions to leave the culinary field behind and instead focus on leading safaris in the basement.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad’s “Famous Burgers” Just Frozen Patties With Pinch of Garlic Salt

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GUNDERSON, OH — Friends and family of local man Eddie Zeff were beside themselves this week after learning that his self-professed “famous” burgers are nothing more than frozen patties with a pinch of garlic salt.

“Dad’s Famous Burgers!” Eddie overstated from the grill, gesturing to the cooked patties no one outside his extended family or social circle has ever eaten. “Get ’em while they’re hot!”

The burgers, which have a recipe so obvious a six-year-old could replicate it, carry celebrity status, Eddie incorrectly claims.

“The secret ingredient is patience,” he spoke of the garlic salt.

“We almost feel lied to,” says Eddie’s daughter. “You grow up thinking your dad’s burgers are a nationwide phenomenon, only to find out they were already circle-shaped when he bought them. What a ripoff.”

Eddie also that “the best damn hot dogs on the block” were done, gesturing a plate of the third best hot dogs on the block.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Misbehaving Kid Does Hard Time In Bedroom Full of Endless Entertainment

Kid Sent to Room Full of Fun
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For the crime of smacking his little sister, 8-year-old Tristan Holloway was sentenced to solitary confinement in the one room in his house that’s perfectly tailored to his leisure specifications: his bedroom.

Tristan will be forced to think about his wrongdoing when not chatting with friends through a headset while playing Fortnite. In the event of a power failure or some unforeseen Wi-Fi tragedy, Tristan would have to resort to entertaining himself with a fully charged iPad loaded with a library of his favorite videos. If he tires of electronics, Tristan would have to face the consequences of his misbehavior by reading one of the dozens of comic books he has or by playing with some of his action figures, housed in three large boxes in his closet.

Conceived as a tough-love punishment, Tristan could be in this blissfully peaceful wonderland for hours. Should he come perilously close to missing a meal, he would be forced to survive on an impressive stash of leftover Easter candy and multiple open bags of Doritos.

One hour into the sentence, his dad Bryan took a break from the chores the rest of the family was engaged in and stood outside Tristan’s room for a heart-to-heart.

“I know I’m raising a son who is better behaved than that,” Bryan started. “Now that you’ve had some time to think, do you have something you’d like to say?”

Tristan didn’t respond because his earbuds preventing him from hearing a single word his father said. He eventually left his room hours later, on his own accord, having completely forgotten as to why he was there in the first place.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Fully Confident in Decision to Wear Socks in Addition to Sandals

Dad Wears Socks AND Sandals
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GLENDALE, AZ – Blissfully unaware about the mix of confused and disgusted looks coming from those around him, 49-year-old Nick Davies confidently strolled down the street wearing tube socks underneath his sandals, even though doing so completely negates the purpose of wearing sandals to begin with.

“This way I don’t have to worry about putting sunscreen on my feet,” responded Nick when asked about his curious decision to couple socks with sandals, even though the point of sandals is to let your feet breath, and he’s still going to end up with an awkward ankle tan.

When told that his decision was paradoxically akin to wearing both a belt and suspenders, Nick simply shrugged his shoulders and remarked that above anything else his choice was a fashion statement, claiming—incorrectly, mind you—that tube socks were in.

“I look great and I feel great!” said a confident Nick, whose nearby children couldn’t have been more opposite, as they both looked and felt embarrassed about their dad’s regrettable footwear choice.

To Nick’s credit, his toenails were not, nor ever had been in the best of shape, so all things considered he may have been doing everyone a favor by sparing them the sight.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Suffers Dislocated Finger After Asking Son to “Pull My Finger”

Dad Sprains Finger
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KALAMAZOO, MI – Realizing that his son was stronger than he initially presumed, local father Aaron Mays found himself on the way to the emergency room to reset a dislocated finger that he suffered after asking his boy to “pull my finger.”

“Pull my fing- OW!” shouted Aaron, with a pained scream so loud that it completely muffled the sound of him farting, thus totally stripping the humor out of an otherwise grotesque hand injury.

As Aaron desperately asked his son to pull his finger one more time to set it back into place, the kid proclaimed that he’s “not falling for that one again,” leaving Aaron in immense pain to the point that he was forced to call an ambulance.

“Hello 911? My son just pulled my finger and-“ Aaron frantically said into the phone, before abruptly being hung up on by the dispatcher who clearly thought they too were being pranked.

However, this story ends on a positive note, as when the doctor finally reset Aaron’s finger he was able to let out a satisfying fart at long last, completely justifying his decision to make the joke in the first place.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Reading Father’s Day Card Skeptical of Baby’s Involvement

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Citing its lack of motor skills and cognitive faculties, new dad Colin Schmidt was skeptical of his newborn baby’s involvement in a recent Father’s Day card.

“How could this possibly be from my wife AND a three-month-old?” asked an incredulous Schmidt, pointing to the handwritten message inside reading “From Beth & Liam.”

“I’m guessing somewhere between throwing up and soiling himself he found the competency required to go splitsies on a greeting card? Give me a break.”

The card, Schmidt tells us, features a picture of Yoda along with the text “A HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, YOU HAVE,” despite his infant son’s utter unfamiliarity with Star Wars, the speech patterns of its characters, and the concept of a holiday.

“This is my wife’s handwriting, no question there,” Schmidt said, analyzing the signature. “I’m just hesitant to believe this was a team effort, considering one of them has no object permanence.”

Schmidt says he’s looking forward to his next Father’s Day, which will be spent wondering just how in the hell an unemployed one-year-old chips in for a necktie.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

New Dad Can’t Believe Father’s Day Falls on Mother-in-Law’s Birthday

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GLENDALE, CA – Referring to the coincidence as an exercise in unfairness, new dad Chase Carmichael was saddened this week to learn that his first Father’s Day will fall on his mother-in-law’s birthday.

Carmichael, who became a father in March, told he’s excited to see what his first Father’s Day as a dad has in store, be it breakfast in bed, a new set of golf clubs, or potentially sharing the spotlight in his wife’s Instagram posts.

The mother-in-law, Helen, hosts a karaoke bash every year on her birthday, even if it coincides with the observance of a newfound paternal bond, Carmichael informed us.

“It’s fine,” he continued through gritted teeth. “Was thinking maybe we could spend the day doing exclusively Father’s Day things, it being my first. But I guess you only turn 56 once.”

Father’s Day, as designated by President Johnson in 1966, falls each year on the third Sunday of June, regardless of its concurrence with a half-dozen old women vocalizing the horns in “Sweet Caroline” over mojitos.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

“Now THIS is Music!” Proclaims Dad Listening to Terrible Music

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Incorrectly identifying the song as “a classic,” local dad Gerald Coffey turned heads this week after matter-of-factly stating, “Now THIS is music!” while listening to terrible music.

Family members grew concerned when a seemingly confused Coffey cranked the volume knob on their car radio and announced, “This is my jam,” to a song no one with functioning eardrums would possibly designate as their jam.

“They just don’t make tunes like this anymore,” Coffey mistook, dismissing decades of innovation to hum along with the unmitigated mediocrity of his youth.

“Man, this rocks so hard,” he continued in error while throwing up a shamefully undeserved set of devil horns.

Coffey says he’s looking forward to their next stoplight, hoping he can bust out the air guitar in time for the song’s shitty, uninspired solo.

“Real face-melter coming up,” he overstated.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

 

 

Man With No Items in Shopping Cart Regrets Not Making Grocery List

Man with Empty Cart Didn't Make Grocery List
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MEMPHIS, TN – Confident that he would remember each and every one of the 30+ items that he was tasked with picking up from the supermarket, local man Devin Harper is currently standing in the middle of the canned goods aisle without a single thing in his cart, realizing that he should have made a grocery list after all.

“Okay, I definitely need to pick up orange juice. Or was it apple juice? Wait, maybe it was apple butter?” muttered a panicked Devin to himself, dismissing any store employees who offered to help much like he dismissed his wife’s suggestion to make a list.

As Devin stared at the assortment of deli meats for a solid half hour racking his brain, he dialed his wife’s number into his phone, only to decide not to call since it would be more embarrassing to ask for help than it would be to spend $400 on an incorrect assortment of groceries that would ultimately go to waste.

“This was definitely on the list,” claimed a now confident Devin, as he stuffed several whole turkeys into his cart, despite the fact nobody has ever needed more than one turkey in the history of grocery shopping.

As Devin arrived home with the turkeys, fourteen bags of tortilla chips, and nine bottles of Sprite, he was met with an exhausted look from his wife, who knew full well that he’d mess up and had decided to do the shopping herself while he was gone.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.