Dad Keeps Thanksgiving Tradition Alive By Taking Post-Dinner Nap Over Zoom

Dad Takes Nap on Zoom
(Getty/Dylan Ellis)

CHULA VISTA, CA – While the Christiansen family was unable to gather in person this year for Thanksgiving due to the pandemic, 41-year-old Jason Christiansen, a father of two, wasn’t about to let that stand in the way of tradition, as he set up a Zoom call so that the entire family could watch him take a post-dinner nap.

“It just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Uncle Jason passing out on the couch,” said Jason’s niece Debbie, who along with the rest of the family played some virtual boardgames over Zoom while the audio from Jason’s snores intermittently cut in and out of the call.

While there was a brief moment where the entire Zoom call paused to see if Jason was waking up, it proved that he was just switching positions from one where the laptop camera showed an unflattering angle of his double chin to an even less flattering angle revealing his belly peeking out from beneath his shirt.

“It’s been a strange year, but it felt refreshingly normal to watch my brother fall asleep after consuming his weight in mashed potatoes,” said Jason’s brother Henry, who was grateful that Jason had upgraded to a premium Zoom account so that the family didn’t miss a single second of him napping.

As the entire family said their goodbyes and signed off the Zoom call around 10pm, it wasn’t until 3am that Jason finally woke up from his lengthy Turkey-induced nap and finally shut his laptop screen before immediately going to bed so he could sleep off the rest of the meal.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad “Really Sad” That Vegan Relatives Can’t Attend Thanksgiving Amid Covid

Dad Sad on Thanksgiving
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CHESAPEAKE, VA – The COVID-19 pandemic has forced families to alter their Thanksgiving plans this year, meaning 36-year-old Greg Jeffries won’t be able to host a big family gathering like normal, which in turn has left him “utterly distraught” over the fact that his vegan relatives won’t be attending.

“I’m heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken,” said Greg while stuffing the tofurkey he bought last week straight into the trash, which he would have been forced to make for his sister-in-law and her husband before they ultimately canceled their travel plans.

While Greg also claimed to be sad that his meat-eating family members wouldn’t be coming to dinner this year, he made a point to stress that he was extra “inconsolable” and “unsure if he would ever find happiness again” over the fact that his vegan relatives wouldn’t be showing up and bringing vegan side dishes that took up valuable table space.

“Tears of joy? No, I’m really sad,” said Greg, who had tears running down his face when he pulled the delicious, meaty turkey out of the oven that he and his wife would be sharing without any concern for the dietary restrictions of others.

As Greg and his wife sat down to enjoy a smaller than usual Thanksgiving together, he realized that by this time next year the entire family would be able to gather safely again, vegans included. It was this realization that made him truly sad for the first time all day.

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REPORT: Kids Using Offshore Hiding Spots for Candy to Avoid Halloween Dad Tax

Off Shore Candy Hiding
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A shattering new report has revealed kids across the country have been less than honest when it comes to reporting their full candy income, placing large quantities in offshore hiding spots to thwart the Halloween Dad Tax.

“We can’t stand for this,” said Mitch Robinson, director of the Defend All Dads Society. The DADS spokesman said thousands of kids have been getting creative with how they shift around their candy intake to avoid paying the full Dad Tax they owe.

“We’re talking kids completely moving their chocolate portfolio to different spots, leaving dads to pick through Skittles and Smarties. It’s a freaking joke,” Robinson added.

One dad contacted for this story, John Marston, said he was sick and tired of the behavior. “Are you telling me, that NONE of my kids have gotten a Snickers bar in three years???? Impossible!” he screamed. “Not even one fun-size Snickers?! Clearly, you’re up to some shady stuff if you can’t even produce a single Kit-Kat on Halloween night.”

One kid, speaking off the record, said kids had devised a system akin to a shell game to move their candy around to different hiding spots to keep the good stuff away from pilfering. Kids who have been trick-or-treating for hours are reporting hauls of little more than bubble gum, fruit snacks, and those weird little black and orange taffy things that haven’t been sold in stores since 1983. This kid in particular said no one in his friend group has reported receiving a full-size candy bar in years, even though they live in a neighborhood where they are commonly given out.

“It’s no big deal, we all do it,” the kid said. “Don’t blame us for taking advantage, blame the system. It’s what all candy-rich people do.”

DADS lobbyists have been working with the government to introduce legislation to overhaul the candy auditing system to make sure every kid is paying their fair share.

“If I get one more Halloween where all I’m left with is Tootsie Pops, I’m gonna lose it,” area dad Bill Williamson said. “I mean come on, a few Reese’s Cups and Butterfingers aren’t too much to ask. Maybe a Take 5 if the haul is good. This is just the way it’s always been done, and the way it’s supposed to be.”

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Toddler Who Just Sat Down at Upscale Restaurant Can’t Wait To Fuck Shit Up

Toddler Behaving at Restaurant
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ABERDEEN, MD –– Less than 30 seconds after his family sat down at Forniglia’s Italian Dining, three-year-old Jade Miller, dressed in a fancy new black dress, complete with a bow,  is ready to absolutely wreck this restaurant, along with fucking destroying every staff member’s evening.

“Yelling, crying, spilling, spitting out food, dropping forks, grabbing knives — nothing is off the table, including knocking everything off the table,” the moody preschooler said. “I should not have been brought here.”

Previously, Jade’s parents have only dared bring her to lower quality restaurants, such as Kaboom’s, Crazy Joe’s Chicken Shack, and Olive Garden. Those visits ended in disaster.

Jade is perhaps best known for a shit-show at a restaurant last October, which ended with her leaving the table, lying on the floor in the area where wait staff carries food out of the kitchen, going limp to make herself hard to pick up, and screaming.

“We knew we were taking a risk bringing her to Forniglia’s,” Jade’s father Joe Miller said. “But we had to try. I’m tired of eating chicken fingers.”

As of press time, Jade had already knocked his water cup and cutlery onto the floor in an “accident.”

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEARTWARMING: Dad Forgives Children’s Halloween Candy Tax Until Easter

Dad Candy Tax Forgiven
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ROCKVILLE, MD – With towns across the nation canceling Halloween due to the pandemic, many kids this year will, unfortunately, have to settle for less candy than they’ve come to expect. However, one selfless father is well aware of the less than ideal situation and is doing what he can to help, as 42-year-old Tom Anderson agreed to forgive his children’s annual Halloween candy tax until Easter.

Wow! If that’s not being a great parent, then we don’t know what is.

“After our town cancelled Halloween, I knew my kids would be devastated, so I’ve chose to let them keep what little candy they get their hands on so long as they pay me back when they get their Easter baskets,” said Tom, whose kids only had a few measly Kit Kat bars to their name only because their mom went to the store and bought them a handful.

While Tom normally charges a 10% candy tax on both Halloween and Easter, his forgiveness of said tax in the short term means he’ll be collecting 25% of his children’s Easter baskets when you add interest, an agreement his children weren’t particularly happy with but still accepted considering the dire circumstances.

“Nobody is doing well in this economy, and I know my kids don’t currently have the resources to fill my belly with Reese’s. That being said, current forecasts expect things to improve come April, and when that time comes, I’m snapping the ears off that chocolate bunny and eating them all myself.”

If only everyone’s dad was as understanding as Tom! While there’s no decision yet on what to do with the candy canes his kids receive around Christmas, Tom is considering introducing a payment plan so that his children aren’t forced to mortgage their gingerbread houses.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

BREAKING: 5yo Realizing ‘Cool New Game’ Dad Suggested Is Just Yard Work

boy raking lawn
(Getty/JLPH)

Nashville, TN — After close to a half-hour of play, 5-year-old James Donnelly is starting to put together that “Yard-a-Thon”, the fun new game his father invented, is actually just yard work.

James’ father, Dennis Whitmer, had announced the game as an edgy version of the Olympic decathlon, set at kids’ homes. But after 25 minutes of raking leaves, mulching the garden, and pulling weeds, the kindergartener is starting to suspect this was a ploy to trick him into doing his father’s outdoor labor.

“You can see in his eyes, he’s starting to realize that none of what he’s doing is fun,” the father said. “I’d guess I only have 10 minutes left.”

The 43-year-old father is trying to delay the child’s realization with a mix of tactics: complicated game rules, a byzantine scoring system, and the creation of fictional “Yard-a-Thon” arch rivals who are talking trash about his son’s yard-abilities.

“Lonnie Steen’s Dad just called: Lonnie thinks you can’t collect all the grass clippings before lunch,” the elder Donnelly told his son through the window. “I told him he’s wrong. Plus, if you get the dry patch re-seeded today, you might be approaching a US record for Yard-a-Thon points!”

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Study Finds Dads Can’t Name 95% of Neighbors They Wave At

Joel Wave
(The Dad)

A recent study found the average dad waves to approximately 43 neighbors per week. Of those people, he is only able to name 5 percent of those he’s waving to. The study, conducted by the Harvard Institute of People and Places In Everyday Situations, engaged more than 1,000 dads for their groundbreaking research.

“It doesn’t matter who a dad drives past, if he’s in a neighborhood, he just waves, it’s astonishing,” said Dr. Felix Madison, lead researcher of the study. “It could be a serial killer, it could be a series of children stacked on each other’s shoulders wearing a trench coat, it doesn’t matter.”

The study utilized dash cams installed in minivans across the nation. The footage monitored dads from the driveway until they hit a main road, and tracked every single wave, smile, salute, finger gun, and head nod. Those dads were then shown a lineup of the people they waved to. They were able to successfully put a name with a face 5 percent of the time.

“I don’t know if this tells the whole truth,” said study participant and cargo short connoisseur Gabe Daniels. “I call everyone I meet ‘Buddy,’ so technically I got every single name right.”

The 5 percent success rate on an average of 43 neighbors means most dads were only able to name less than three. That means two neighbors and the first initial of a third.

“This is basically the opposite of Cheers,” Dr. Madison said. “The neighborhood is the place where no one knows your name.”

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“Sitting Quietly for 3 Hours” Among Classes Offered in New Homeschool Curriculum

Sitting Quietly Homeschool Curriculum
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LANSING, MI – An introductory course in “Sitting Quietly for 3 Hours” is just one of the courses included in the new homeschool curriculum unveiled Wednesday.

Students in “Sitting Quietly” will learn “the fundamentals of how to be alone with their thoughts without bothering your father who needs some space for chrissakes” according to the syllabus.

“As educators, we try to tailor the curriculum to best fit the needs of our students and family,” said the father and homeschool principal Matthew Cheshire. “This year’s theme is ‘Silence and Solitude.'”

Other classes listed in the fall’s course catalog include “Let’s Spread Out And Make This Apartment Feel Bigger”, “Exploring Your Closet By Yourself” and “Advanced Napping,” which Cheshire said is a returning class.

Cheshire said homeschool’s curriculum committee hopes the courses build resilience.

“Students often feel that a problem requires their parent to be involved and our message this year is: deal with it yourself,” he said.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

No Deal Yet as Dad-Toddler Broccoli-Eating Summit Enters 2nd Hour

Dad Toddler Broccoli Standoff
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CHICAGO, IL – Tense negotiations over how many broccoli florets must be eaten at tonight’s dinner have yet to produce an agreement, concerned observers say.

Father Gary Rockland had entered the bilateral summit with hopes of securing a compromise with his 3-year-old daughter, Jane. Sources say the father was willing to accept an offer as low as “two florets” but considered anything less a bright red line he would not cross.

The question is seen as explosive because it has derailed the evening routine and, in the worst-case scenario, could imperil bedtime. The lengthy standoff seems to have convinced both sides that the diplomatic talks are too important in terms of future precedent to cede significant ground.

“At this point, it’s not even about the vegetables,” Rockland said. “It’s about making sure she understands that she can’t just refuse to do what I say. I mean, that’s just … chaos.”

“No way she’s eating anything less than two florets,” Rockland added, in a yell.

As talks continue without a deal, both sides acknowledged that eventually, the summit may need to appoint an arbitrator, like Rockland’s wife, Judith.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

BREAKING: Tired Dad Attempting To Skip Middle 11 Pages of Bedtime Story

Tired Dad Reading Story
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LEXINGTON, KY – In a move onlookers call both daring and reckless, exhausted father Nate Warheim is attempting to speed up bedtime by skipping eleven pages in the middle of his daughter’s bedtime story.

Warheim has previously skipped a sentence or two in a bedtime story as part of an effort to get his 3-year-old daughter under the covers sooner. But his omissions have never been as brazen as today’s attempt to skip 11 pages. The entire storybook is 15 pages so this amounts to eliminating the body of the story.

“The hungry duck asked the rooster if he had any breakfast he could share,” Warheim read before coughing and turning a chunk of pages. “So the dog gave the duck a pillow and said it’s bedtime, goodnight.”

Wareheim says his daughter’s eyes seemed to flicker with confusion at the narrative discontinuity but so far she has not challenged him.

“I think she doesn’t want to admit she didn’t understand the story,” he said.

If this gambit proves successful, Wareheim says next time he will try to convince his daughter that all stories are two pages long.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Tired Dad Reads CliffsNotes Version of “Goodnight Moon” to Kid at Bedtime

Tired Dad Reading Story
(Getty/fotostorm)

EVANSVILLE, IN — Seeing the opportunity to expedite bedtime, exhausted father Dennis Stillman is reading his child the literal CliffsNotes version of the classic bedtime story “Goodnight Moon.”

“The bunny says goodnight to a long list of objects, including but not limited to, mittens, kittens, and a comb,” Stillman told his 3-year-old daughter. “Don’t worry about the old woman, she’s not a major factor in the story.”

Once a popular study aid, CliffsNotes provide short summaries of school-assigned novels, allowing students to pass tests without reading them. But the company has recently expanded into children’s stories to help tired fathers truncate bedtime.

Stillman says his children tend to drag out their bedtime routine, so reading capsulized stories is an effective counter-attack.

“I was surprised they had a CliffsNotes for this but I guess it makes sense,” he said. “I loved ‘Goodnight Moon’ when I was a kid but let’s face it, there’s some fat in there.”

Tomorrow night, Stillman plans to read the CliffsNotes version of the Dr. Seuss classic “Green Eggs and Ham.”

“The point is the guy doesn’t like this ham dish until he tries it,” Stillman said. “You don’t really need to go deeper than that.”

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Dad Beefs Up Home Security to Catch Person Meddling With Thermostat

Dad's Thermostat Security
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BILLINGS, MT – Any father can tell you that keeping your house safe and secure is an absolute top priority. That’s why one local dad named Clint Hamilton went above and beyond, as he beefed up his home security to catch the person who’s always meddling with the thermostat.

“It’s my job to look out for my family, and there’s no better way to do that than by ensuring the thermostat is always set to 67 degrees Fahrenheit,” said Clint, who recently upgraded his home security system in an effort to nab the person who bumped the thermostat up to 70 degrees over the weekend.

Clint insists that the state-of-the-art security system will ultimately pay for itself with the money that the family saves on heat, though he’s found it challenging to stay awake to monitor the cameras nonstop and is considering installing a laser tripwire in the thermostat’s vicinity.

“I would ask my wife or kids for help watching the cameras, but they can’t be trusted ever since I found my son’s fingerprints all over the thermostat,” continued Clint, whose additional security measures include reminding his family members to wear a sweatshirt and socks rather than go anywhere near the thermostat.

Unfortunately for Clint, after eighteen consecutive hours monitoring the cameras he finally dozed off, allowing the true culprit, his live-in mother-in-law, a chance to bump it up to 75 degrees for a few hours.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Entire Neighborhood Enjoys Cool Air as Kid Leaves Front Door Open With A/C on

Door Left Open With AC on
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ASHEVILLE, NC – On one suburban street people gathered en masse earlier this morning to enjoy the beautiful weather outside, as the entire neighborhood basked in the cool air after one family forgot to close the front door to their house with the air conditioner on.

“It’s been a hot, muggy summer, so we’re really appreciative of the Greene family’s willingness to cool the entire neighborhood,” said their neighbor Maria Byrd, none the wiser to the fact that 9-year-old Jimmy Greene forgot to shut the door after bringing in groceries.

As the neighbors celebrated the crisp, fall-like air, the father, John Greene was inside struggling to figure out why his home didn’t feel as cool as it normally did and even bumped the A/C up to full blast in order to remedy the problem—a decision that was met with people cheering the streets.

“With the neighborhood pool closed at the moment, this is the next best way to cool off,” continued Maria, who along with her neighbors considered starting a crowdfunding campaign to help cover the cost of what would surely prove to be a hefty electric bill for John.

Unfortunately, after several hours of this impromptu neighborhood block party, John finally realized that the front door was open. Much to his chagrin he had actually been paying to cool the neighborhood and money was literally going out the door. Once the door was closed the temperature outdoors to immediately skyrocketed back into the 90s.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.