Dad Changing Diaper Hopes Newborn Repays Favor in 40 Years

Dad Changing Diaper
(Getty/Orbon Alija)

BROOKLYN, NY – Acknowledging that changing diapers is the single most disgusting aspect of fatherhood, 37-year-old Darryl Hamilton is optimistic that his efforts could be rewarded down the line, as he hopes his newborn will offer to repay the favor when incontinence strikes in about 40 years.

“I love my son and am willing to do anything for him. I’m just keeping my fingers crossed he feels the same way, because seeing an elderly man naked is no easy task especially when your face is mere inches away from his you know what,” said Darryl, resigned to the fact that adult diapers are an inevitability but that his stinky son’s indebtedness was not.

As Darryl undid his child’s diaper with one hand while plugging his nose with the other he admitted that there’s a chance he could change his future diaper by himself, but that he wouldn’t want to risk staining the carpet when he could just call his son to come over and also ask him to pick up milk and eggs on the way, thus killing two birds with one stone.

“Four decades is a long time from now and my son may move halfway across the country, but I’m planning to start the guilt trip early and keep him close because chances are I’ll have an accident on my 80th birthday and will need a helping hand.”

When asked why he couldn’t just rely on his wife to help change his diaper in the future, Darryl noted that the divorce rate amongst American couples is so high that them still being together in the 2050s is far from a guarantee.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad More Unnerved by Total Silence Than Sound of Screaming Children

Dad Terrified of Silence
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CLEVELAND, OH – Realizing that it’s been well over ten minutes since he last heard a crash or scream emanating from the room where his twin 6-year-olds were playing, local father Ed Rolen broke into a cold sweat fearing that something had gone horribly wrong, when in reality he was simply experiencing the peace and quiet he had been craving since his kids were born.

“Oh no… something’s not right,” muttered a panicked Rolen, seemingly unaware that it was possible for children to get tuckered out and take a nap, as history suggested that his own offspring were only capable of screaming bloody murder and loudly smashing Legos at all hours of the day.

Within moments, Ed was overcome with total dread and started screaming himself, thus waking his twins from their peaceful slumber and throwing the house back into the general state of disarray in which every family member felt most comfortable.

“I’m just glad that harrowing experience is over, I thought they were dead,” shouted Ed over the sounds of his children once again wrestling in the living room near the glass coffee table—a tussle that will almost certainly end in disaster and result in a trip to the emergency room.

As everything returned to normal Ed decided to try and get some shut-eye himself, well aware that he’d fail miserably and would instead spend the next half hour screaming, “Shut up!” to no avail.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Undercoating is, “How They Get You,” Dad Warns

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INDIANAPOLIS, IN — While car shopping with his newly-licensed teenage daughter, local dad Wayne Grabhorn warned that undercoating is, in fact, how they get you.

“It’s a waste of good tar is what it is,” Wayne said, insisting that opting for a thick layer of polyurethane-based sealant on the undercarriage of your car is just one of the many ways Big Vehicle squeezes every red cent out of working-class Joes like himself.

“Pretty early,” Wayne added, upon being asked what time of day a car salesman would need to wake up in order to pull a fast one on him.

Wayne’s 16-year-old daughter, Becca, was more susceptible to the rustproofing, believing that the precautionary measures taken to prevent corrosion in the wheel arches were anything but the “good ol’ fashioned screw-job” her father suggested it was.

When asked about the $150 price point, Mr. Grabhorn produced his driver’s license, pointed to his birthday, and asked if it looked like yesterday’s date.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Hires Well-Behaved Child Actor for Take Your Child to Work Day

(Getty/Steve Debenport)

DENVER, CO – Determining that it would be in the best interest of his career to leave his biological hellraiser at home, local accountant Vincent Castilla opted to hire a 9-year-old actor named Devin to portray his son at his company’s annual Take Your Child to Work Day, citing Devin’s impressive ability to take direction well and also not throw mud at strangers.

“I’m in line for a promotion, so I couldn’t risk introducing my co-workers to my real son Marshall when I know full well he’d yank on the CEO’s daughter’s ponytail,” said Vincent, who noted that the SAG rate it cost to hire Devin was well worth it considering Marshall would’ve caused more than double that in damages to the office furniture.

Ever since arriving at the office earlier this morning, Devin has been politely and convincingly introducing himself as a member of the Castilla family and even delighting employees with a “father-son” duet of “Anything You Can Do (I Can Do Better)”, whereas Marshall is back home repeatedly pulling on the cat’s tail.

“I made a mistake of telling my boss that I had a son during the interview process and she expected me to bring him. Now I just have to hope Devin is still available for hire when the company picnic rolls around in a few weeks, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he got cast on Law & Order and was all booked up.”

While it’s only a few hours until Vincent returns home to find shattered glass and the contents of the family fish tank strewn about his living room floor, he can rest easy at the moment knowing that his casting choice paid off.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Threatening to “Turn This Car Around!” Forgets They’re Going to Dentist

(Getty/Kathleen Finlay)

BOISE, ID – Displaying immense frustration while shooting a glare into the rearview mirror, local dad Randal Burns is threatening to turn the car around, seemingly unaware he’s in the process of taking his kids to the dentist.

“So help me God, I will make an illegal u-turn at this next light,” reports a visibly defeated Randal, pleading desperately with his oldest, eight-year-old Caleb, to stop kicking the back of his seat.

“We can keep going or we can go back home; completely up to you,” he warns his two children, apparently having lost sight of the big scary drills that await them both.

“Dad usually only threatens to turn the car around if we’re going somewhere fun,” says six-year-old Bethany Burns, who’d just wrapped up a particularly deafening round of My Sibling Keeps Looking At Me. “He knows we’re en route to a dentist, right? Not Disneyland?”

Scowling his face and tightening his grip on the steering wheel, Randal adds that he had considered the turnaround just moments into the trip when Caleb purposefully crumbled an entire granola bar onto the backseat floorboard.

“I made a mess and dad said he’d turn the car around,” Caleb recalls. “Not sure if he realizes how cool we’d be with that. Dentists are polling pretty low in the backseat here.”

Randal, as if oblivious to the universal fear of having needles in your mouth, says he’s totally fine with making this next exit their exit, adding he’d better see improved behavior on the way to church next week.

Dad Apparently Same Size as House Now

(Getty/Maskot)

In a stylistic choice sure to generate buzz around the refrigerator, local kid, Melissa Hudson, 5, defied artistic convention by making her father the same size as their house in a recent drawing.

“It’s a bold take on traditional vantage points,” raved Melissa’s father, David Hudson, 33, who has the stature of a two-story house, from the looks of it.

“Notice here how she completely disregards antiquated concepts like size relationships between objects to give the illusion I’m five times taller than I actually am.”

David went on to point out the absence of a preliminary sketch, and explain how a fundamental misunderstanding of linear perspective made it possible for his daughter to depict him as being 30-feet tall.

“See this curly thing coming out of the chimney I assume is smoke?” he added. “An inferior artist with a more keen sense of visual proportionality would never allow that to be blowing in my face here.”

David also applauded Melissa’s creative decision in making him overweight and bald, as well as the avant-garde depiction of the sun, which in reality would benefit very little from wearing sunglasses.

Brussels Sprouts Inedible, Reports Kid Who Just Ate Woodchips at Park

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Dismissing the vegetable as “yucky” and “barely food”, Tommy, 8, fledgling food critic and kid who just shoveled a handful of woodchips in his mouth at the park, has dubbed brussels sprouts totally inedible.

The leafy greens, toasted to perfection and tossed in a rich honey and balsamic vinaigrette, lack the savory wallop packed into every piece of finely chopped playground surfacing.

“I don’t like regular cabbages. Stands to reason I would dislike tiny ones,” Tommy submits, suggesting the nutritional value of brussels sprouts pales in comparison to a hearty serving of the raw material from which they produce wood pulp.

Tommy then passed on dessert, a slice of cranberry swirl coffee cake, insisting he’d rather just grab a late snack from the sewing basket.