Dad Buys Kid Toy Mower to Teach Valuable Skill of Avoiding Family

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FILBERT, MI — Local dad Alex McCarty purchased his son a toy push mower this week, claiming it would instill in him a strong work ethic and teach him the value of some goddamn peace around here.

The Teeny Tots My First Lawnmower, complete with pull cord and popping beads, is a good primer for any future chores, McCarthy says, particularly ones that afford you the luxury drowning out your irritating family with an opaquely loud mower engine for an hour.

“It makes me proud, seeing him come outside to mimic the same daddy-work I partake in to avoid him and the others, even for a couple minutes,” he adds. “They’re never too young to learn such practical life skills.”

Included with the plastic mower is a removable gas can and tethered cap, which will allow his son to pretend like he’s filling up the tank and not savoring those sweet, fleeting moments of solitude he’ll some day take for granted.

Other recent purchases by McCarthy include a potty training toilet, which he hopes will teach his son all he needs to know about hiding.

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Man Devastated When Wife Removes Grass Stains From Lawn Mowing Shoes

Wife Removes Grass Stains From Mowing Shoes
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LITTLE ROCK, AR – Panicked that his trusty New Balance sneakers were nowhere to be found, 59-year-old Ronald Harper’s fears were confirmed upon finding them in the laundry room, as he realized that his wife had removed the grass stains from his beloved 15-year-old lawn mowing shoes.

“Those were some pesky stains and I worked for hours to get them out, but now the shoes look brand new!” exclaimed Ronald’s wife Joanna, clearly oblivious that Ronald wore those stains as a badge of honor and that her kind gesture effectively undid over a decade of laborious yardwork.

As Ronald managed a forced smile and insincere thank you, he began to internally question whether it was worth it to ever mow again, fearful that his new neighbors would judge and ridicule him for being a rookie lawnmower if they were to catch a glimpse of his pristinely clean shoes.

“They look great… Just like the day I bought them…” said Ronald before bursting into tears, claiming that he was crying tears of joy when in reality nothing more devastating had ever happened to him in his entire life.

In a desperate, last-ditch effort, Ronald hurried to his grandson’s box of crayons, promptly removed a green one, and begin drawing on the shoes in hopes of replicating the grass stains he had worked so hard to achieve.

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Dad Wonders if He Can Hire Bomb Squad Robot to Change Son’s Diaper

Dad Wonders if Bomb Squad Robot Can Change Diaper
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TULSA, OK – Having just seen a local news report about a bomb that was successfully defused by a remote-control robot, local dad Evan McCann pondered if that same technology could be applied to changing diapers, adding that bomb defusing and diaper changing possess many of the same risks.

“Much like you want to avoid getting hit with shrapnel, you also need to be careful not to get covered in poop,” claimed Evan, who was immediately hung up on by his local police precinct as they informed him that the bomb squad was far too busy to help change his infant’s poop filled diapers three times a day.

“Bombs are ultra-rare, but dirty diapers are everywhere. It just seems like a waste of taxpayer money for that robot to sit there gathering dust while dads everywhere are holding their noses and gagging,” complained Evan to his disinterested wife, who performed the bulk of the diaper changing anyway thus making Evan’s interest in this robot all the more curious since diaper duty rarely affected him.

As Evan scoured the internet for available robotic alternatives, he briefly considered purchasing a drone since it was capable of doing double duty; not only could a drone potentially help change diapers, but with a steady enough hand, it could perform their son’s circumcision as well.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Kids Restore Dad’s Old Thunderbird, Can’t Do Same for His Hairline

Kids Restore Dads Car, Not Hairline
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DES MOINES, IA – Expecting his birthday presents to be more of the same ties and cufflinks he had received in years past, 70-year-old Hector Lopez was completely blown away when his kids surprised him by restoring his old 1960s Ford Thunderbird, though they were unable to do the same for his heavily receded hairline.

“This is the most wonderful gift anyone has ever gotten me,” gushed Hector, as he rubbed his cue ball head in disbelief, blissfully unaware that his children had put over $20,000 into refurbishing his beloved teenage car whereas it would’ve cost an infinitesimal amount more to research a cure for his late age baldness.

But the gifts didn’t end there, as Hector’s son and three daughters provided him with a matching red jacket, driving gloves, and a plethora of sunscreen—a much-needed addition to his glove compartment since last time he drove this convertible he had a full head of hair and never had to worry about getting a burnt scalp.

“It looks just like it used to,” muttered a teary-eyed Hector, staring at his car in disbelief, clearly referring to the car itself and not his own reflection in the freshly waxed hood.

As Hector took the car for a spin, his children all agreed that the investment was well worth their father’s happiness, even though a toupee would’ve cost thousands less and still probably helped his self-esteem to some degree.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Son Puts $5 Under Elderly Father’s Pillow as Reward for Lost Dentures

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JUNEAU, AK – Having misplaced his dentures sometime earlier in the day, 84-year-old Jonathan Mabry will be surprised to see that the Tooth Fairy made a visit when he wakes up tomorrow morning, as his son snuck into his bedroom and slipped a $5 bill under the pillow as a reward for losing his acrylic teeth.

“When I was a kid it was so much fun to get up and find money under my pillow, so I figured it would be a nice little gesture to do the same for my dad,” said Jonathan’s son Marcus, whose $5 reward will serve as a small step towards replacing his father’s missing $2,000 set of dentures.

Marcus went on to admit that the small cash reward was the least he could do, as he found more than double that amount lodged in the couch cushions while searching for his dad’s dentures. And knowing that his father isn’t getting any younger, it’s only a matter of time until Jonathan loses his eventual new set of dentures, leaving Marcus well prepared to issue another reward at that time.

“He’s going to be so giddy when he reaches under that pillow and finds those $5. On second thought, I’m not sure he’ll even bother to look. And even if he did his eyesight is so bad that he might not even notice the money,” worried Marcus, as he began to openly rethink his playful idea.

Ironically, had Marcus stuck his hand under the pillow just a few more inches when he was placing the money, he would’ve found the missing dentures in question.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Rolls His Ankle While Mowing Lawn, Might be Out For Season

Dad Rolls Ankle Mowing Lawn
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SCRANTON, PA – After a promising start to the year that saw the purchase of a new mower and sun hat, 63-year-old David Hale suffered an unexpected ankle injury while tending to his backyard earlier today, leaving his status for the rest of the lawn care season in serious jeopardy.

“I can keep mowing, it doesn’t hurt that bad,” cried a defiant David while holding onto his ankle in agony, before ultimately being removed from the yard by his wife Beverly who, after consulting the family doctor, concluded that David was in no condition to continue.

As David sat on the couch wistfully looking out the window at his beloved yard, he felt disappointment more than anything, knowing that his injury might mean having to hire a landscaping company which in turn could threaten his veteran status as the Hale household’s lawn guru.

“We’re looking at a minimum 6-week recovery period, but considering the severity of the sprain it’s more likely to be several months,” stated David’s orthopedist Dr. Miller, who lives down the street and was secretly overjoyed considering his yard usually pales in comparison to David’s.

While there’s no telling if David will be able to mow again before cold weather hits, he’s determined to rehab and return to form. Though considering this injury coupled with his recent hip replacement, it wouldn’t be a shock if he were to retire from mowing for good.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Hungover Dad Even More Surprised Than Son by Tooth Fairy’s $100 Bill

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CLEARWATER, FL – Grabbing a Glacier Freeze Gatorade out of the refrigerator, Chris Hannigan, 34, was forced to listen to his 7-year-old son, Dylan, excitedly brainstorm about his plans to spend the crumpled $100 bill left by the Tooth Fairy last night.

“Yeah, it was a shock to the whole family this morning,” said Hannigan, struggling to open the child-proof lid of an Ibuprofen bottle.

Dylan previously received one dollar for each of his central incisors, so the 9900% increase in return for the lateral incisor suggests either big changes in the tooth industry or a severe accounting error on the Tooth Fairy’s part.

“Mom was even more surprised than dad,” commented Dylan while drawing a picture of the bicycle he plans to purchase. “Her eyes got really big, and then she started asking him about his poker game last night.”

The now wealthy second grader already has another loose tooth, so time will tell if this big payout was a simple mistake or an exciting new trend for elementary schoolers everywhere.

On an unrelated note, guy’s poker night at the Hannigan’s has been postponed indefinitely.

This Just In… is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here. 

Dad Reluctantly Dips Into Lawn Fund to Start Saving for Son’s College Education

Dad Dips Into Lawn Fund
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COLUMBIA, SC – Having to make a difficult decision between the two things he loves most, local father A.J. Smith reluctantly conceded that it was time to begin saving for his son’s college, even if it came at the expense of keeping his front lawn lush and trim this coming summer.

“My son’s education is of the utmost importance, definitely not winning our neighborhood’s best lawn competition,” said A.J. through his teeth, who noted that he had come in second the past several years and would probably remain the runner-up so long as the money he was saving for a new mower was instead allocated towards a future Ivy League tuition.

As A.J. began transferring funds from one account to another, he noticed his single, childless neighbor watering their perfect lawn across the street, confident that they would win this year’s competition since they had no loved ones to spend money on—money that could otherwise be put towards much-needed lawn maintenance.

“Part of being a good parent is sacrificing the one goal you’ve been working towards for years,” uttered a somber A.J., who then went over to the couch and quietly flipped through a John Deere catalog of now unattainable treasures, while his 6-year-old son gleefully ran around the living room shouting, “I’m going to Harvard! Thank you, daddy!”

It wasn’t until moments later that A.J. perked up as he found a discounted lawn gnome on Amazon, which would surely solidify a top-3 finish even if it’s all he could afford.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Heartwarming Photo Contains Three Generations of Overbearing Fathers

Three Generations of Overbearing Dada
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SAN ANTONIO, TX – In a heartwarming moment at this past weekend’s Jackson family reunion, 87-year-old Thomas, 55-year-old Trevor, and 24-year-old Nathan took a few moments away from criticizing their offspring to pose for a photo that depicts three generations of extremely overbearing fathers.

“You’re not smiling wide enough! This is supposed to be a nice photo, you idiot!” shouted Thomas at his son Trevor just moments before the picture was snapped, which ended up coming out great and made no implication that the men had been fighting just moments prior.

As the photographer instructed the three dads to get in tighter for another picture, the blame immediately shifted to Nathan for that being an issue to begin with, before Trevor took him aside and berated him for not crouching down knowing full well that his grandfather was much shorter.

“Can you get that baby out of here? His crying is so distracting!” yelled Nathan to his wife Melanie, frustrated that his own 1-year-old son was ruining his ability to focus on the moment that the three fathers felt an obligation to partake in, even though they were all fuming at one another.

While the process experienced some bumps along the way, the photo turned out to be a beautiful memory that will last a lifetime, even though it’s in no way indicative of the relationship each father had with their son.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Husband Pretty Sure Wife’s Best Friend’s Name Starts With ‘K’

Husband Baffled by Wife's Friend's Name
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DOVER, DE – Sitting across the table from his wife and her bestie, 32-year-old David Lofton spent the majority of their friendly brunch futilely attempting to remember the name of the woman who had served as a bridesmaid at his wedding, though he’s pretty sure it starts with K.

“K is definitely the first letter unless her full name is Kay?” pondered a silent David, who was more wrapped up in his own panicked thoughts than he was engaging in the conversation, which he would randomly nod along with as to make it appear like he was listening.

At one point David excused himself to go to the bathroom so he could take out his phone and scour his wife’s Facebook friend list, only to realize that his wife was friends with a lot of people whose names began with K, and even less who had a clear profile picture allowing him to see their faces.

“Kimberly! Karen! Did I say Kimberly?” wondered David, who suddenly had an ingenious idea when his wife’s friend offered to pay the check. Unfortunately, before he could catch a glimpse of the name on her credit card, David’s wife insisted that they cover the check, leaving him out of luck.

As David could only muster a, “Goodbye, you!” as they parted ways after brunch, he left the restaurant as uninformed as he had been when he entered, painfully unaware that his wife, Katie, and her friend shared the same name.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Crime Lab Reports Kid’s Toothbrush Way Too Dry to Have Just Been Used

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EVANSTON, IL — Referring to the hygiene instrument as “desert-like,” a team of crime lab analysts have concluded that 8-year-old Miles Russell’s toothbrush couldn’t have possibly been used recently.

Miles, currently awaiting punishment for fraudulent misrepresentation, confirmed to having brushed his teeth at 8:42 pm, just moments before bedtime.

“The moisture content is simply too low,” contended one scientist, peering through a microscope at the arid bristling of a Transformers novelty toothbrush. “If this was used to clean teeth within the last hour, it was a completely dry run.”

“And even then, you’re bound to find traces of the antimicrobial agents associated with saliva,” another analyst suggested.

“From this, we can draw one of two conclusions: either water molecules evaporate quicker on Transformers toothbrushes, or this Miles kid is a liar.”

Miles is expected to be ordered back into the bathroom, where oral upkeep will be performed under close supervision.

This is the team’s second discovery in recent months, having also analyzed a piece of dog poop to determine that Miles was not, in fact, eating his vegetables.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Son Makes Better Door Than Window, Reports Dad Who Can’t See TV

Son better door than window
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Citing an inability to see the television due to his child’s nontransparent body, local dad Keith Allen reported this week that his six-year-old son, Thomas, makes a much better door than window.

“I was trying to watch football,” Keith recalled. “Suddenly this kid gets the idea, despite being a solid mass of bone and cartridge through which light cannot pass, to just stand in right in front of the TV.”

Keith told us that the game was neck-and-neck in its fourth quarter, and also that, of the ten thousand baby names he and his wife considered, he doesn’t remember Casper being one of them.

“I was half-tempted to go and get his birth certificate,” Keith continued. “Just to ask him to show me where it says his mom and I opted for a baby made out of glass.”

Luckily, he was able to finish the game in full view after convincing his son to go outside and play. After getting up to close to the ajar front door, Keith proceeded to inspect the house to make sure it was not, in fact, a barn.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Potentially Gifted Child Can Zip Jacket in Just Under 12 Minutes

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SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Referring to his son as “a prodigy of sorts,” Kyle Gundacker was ecstatic to learn his 6-year-old, Alex, may be gifted, after witnessing him zip up a jacket in just under 12 minutes.

“You gotta watch for the signs early,” says Kyle. “Some kids paint well, some show interest in a second language, some are adequate at fastening outerwear without making a whole thing out of it. Every child is special.”

Kyle says he and his wife are looking into enrichment programs at Alex’s elementary school, contending that children with large vocabularies, persistent curiosity, and advanced cognitive skills aren’t nearly as gifted as children capable of affixing one side of their jacket to the other without making you late for something.

“Looks like we’re two for two on genius kids,” adds Gundacker, who’s 8-year-old daughter Haley was skipped a grade after putting on shoes in under an hour.