Dad Spends Same Amount of Time Caring for Infant and Island on Animal Crossing

Dad Caring for Newborn/Animal Crossing
(Getty/Raphye Alexius)

ELMHURST, IL – Back in March of 2020, 34-year-old Roger Sessions underwent two major life changes. First, his wife Ellen gave birth to their newborn son, and second, he purchased a copy of Animal Crossing for Nintendo Switch to help him get through quarantine. Ever since, this local dad has spent roughly an equal amount of time caring for both his newborn and his Animal Crossing island.

“They’re both named Roger Jr.,” said Roger, not only referring to his newborn son but his Animal Crossing character as well, further going on to state that he loves both but is extremely proud of his video game avatar for knowing how to use the toilet after eating fruit whereas his real son falls short in that respect.

Roger is the first to admit that Animal Crossing may not be as popular as it once was, but it still remains his duty to ensure his island isn’t overgrown with weeds much like it’s his duty to feed, bathe, and change his real son—tasks that he allots approximately the same amount of time to.

“My wife and I alternate dressing the real Roger Jr. in clean clothes, but when it comes to clothing my Animal Crossing character, the idea to put a crown on his head was all my idea,” continued Roger, who was over the moon that both his son and his character had recently learned to sit upright, the latter of which was thanks to a new software update.

Upon looking at his Nintendo profile Roger confirmed that he’s logged about 2,000 hours of playtime in Animal Crossing, and if there were a stats page for fatherhood, then he could only assume that number would be quite similar.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Son Gives Dad Unplugged Controller to Trick Him Into Thinking He’s Playing

Son Gives Dad Unplugged Controller
(Getty/Andersen Ross)

OWENSBORO, KY – 38-year-old Kevin Waterston has fond memories of playing video games as a kid, but frankly, the consoles from his childhood are archaic and out of date. So when Kevin asked his 8-year-old son if they could play some PlayStation together, his kid handed him an unplugged controller to trick Kevin into thinking he’s playing.

“Usually this is something I do with my 3-year-old brother who doesn’t have any idea we’re tricking him, but given what I’ve seen, he’s probably better than my dad at Fortnite,” said 8-year-old Trevor, while his dad eagerly smashed away at buttons that, unbeknownst to him, had no impact on what was happening on the screen.

While this strategy was certainly a risky one considering Kevin could clearly see that the console only had one controller plugged in, he figured it was probably just some sort of new Bluetooth technology that was built into the system, and thus kept repeatedly hitting the X button thinking it was helping him win.

“Kid better watch out, pretty soon his old man is going to be better than him!” laughed Kevin, unaware that his son was actually ranked in the top 100 worldwide and would almost certainly humiliate his dad if the controller were to be connected.

To Kevin’s credit, after he and his son were done with PlayStation, Kevin went and busted out his old Atari 7800 console and absolutely kicked his son’s butt in a game of Joust.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Tech-Incompetent Dad Bribes 5-Yr-Old to Orchestrate His Zoom Super Bowl Party

Dad Bribes Son

KANSAS CITY, MO – Having assured his football-loving friends that not even a pandemic could stand in the way of them all watching the big game together, Luis Robertson—a tech-incompetent Chiefs fan—bribed his 5-year-old son to help him orchestrate his Zoom Super Bowl party.

“I figured out how to use the Roku after a couple months, so I’m not that helpless. I mean, everyone uses Zoom, how hard could it be?” wondered Luis, just moments before inadvertently opening Minesweeper and then accidentally downloading several computer viruses while trying to send a Zoom invite to the football fanatics in his party. It was at that point Luis turned to his son, Michael, who’s just five years old but knows computers better than his parents and had even recently taught his mom and dad how to sign into their emails.

While at first Luis’s offer consisted solely of a crisp $10 bill, his son cleverly realized that his father was at risk of losing Super Bowl party hosting duties to his tech-savvier friend John, who offered to set up a Zoom room of his own. Without much leverage, Luis was convinced by his son to bump the offer up to $20, plus permission to stay up and watch the whole game and also no chores for a week.

“Who’s ready for some football!?” shouted Luis, not realizing that he had accidentally placed himself in a virtual waiting room so none of his friends could hear him. Despite having already conceded to his son’s demands, Luis had no choice but to toss his son another five bucks for one last bit of tech advice.

While the Zoom Super Bowl party finally got up and running, it immediately became clear that Luis hadn’t learned to use the Roku like he previously claimed, as he was having a lot of trouble streaming the game. It was only after his son came back and told him to just press the play button on the remote that Luis finally admitted he might not be the tech-savviest individual.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Happily Watching Commercial-Laden TV Broadcast of Die Hard Despite Owning DVD

Dad Watching Die Hard
(Getty/Ryan McVay)

MODESTO, CA – Earlier today, 52-year-old Harvey Davis reared back in his recliner and turned on his absolute favorite of movie of all time, Die Hard. But what happened next may shock you. Within moments of settling into his chair, Harvey decided that he was perfectly content watching a commercial-laden television broadcast of Die Hard on cable, despite the fact he owns the DVD and could just as easily watch it without commercials.

“I just got comfortable and the DVD is all the way over there on the shelf, so it would be more trouble than it’s worth,” claimed Harvey, while a TV advertisement for a local car dealership aired for the third time this hour. But not only were there commercials—scenes in the film had been edited for foul language as well, making it all the more curious why Harvey wouldn’t pop in his Blu-ray quality DVD which also contains deleted scenes and director’s commentary.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, as just last week Harvey settled for watching Field Of Dreams on cable even though he had missed the first twenty minutes and couldn’t rewind, all because he didn’t want to risk getting up and losing the comfortable groove he had found in the chair.

“Honey, can you bring me some popcorn? I can’t pause the movie or else I might miss something!” shouted Harvey to his wife in the next room, ignoring the fact that he could easily pause the DVD version of the film if he weren’t too lazy to get up and do something about it.

Though this seems like a strange choice on the surface, there is one aspect of watching the movie on cable that’s been working to Harvey’s benefit. Whenever there’s a commercial break, Harvey’s been using those three-minute periods to close his eyes and pass out for some much-needed napping, proving that this may be a genius decision after all.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Spends Entire NYE Phoning Pals In Every Time Zone to Say “See Ya Next Year!”

Dad's See You Next Year NYE Joke
(Getty/Peter Dazeley)

CINCINNATI, OH —  While New Year’s Eve is often synonymous with parties and weight-loss resolutions, for 42-year-old father Josh Rogers, there’s only one thing on the agenda this Dec. 31: telling everyone he knows he’ll see them “next year.”

“See, it’s funny because ‘next year’ is actually the next day!” Josh explained amid fits of laughter.

This year, the father of two is kicking the comedy up a few notches, doubling down on his commitment to spread joy and dad jokes on New Year’s Eve. According to his wife, Brynn, Josh is using an entire paid vacation day to call 47 friends living in different time zones on Dec. 31.

“Like, this is the same man who tore his ACL doing an Ace Ventura impression last year and still refused to take a sick day, so… he must really be going through some stuff? I wish he’d call a professional instead.” Brynn said.

Sadly, Josh is unaware the numerous long-distance calls from his landline during prime hours will cost him more than $300. Just last week he vehemently refused to sign up for a $5 yearly flat-rate plan, telling his wife, “That’s how they get ya!”

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Leaves Twinkie and Cigarette for John McClane in Vent Duct on Christmas Eve

Twinkie and Cigarette for John McClane
(Getty/Steven Heap / EyeEm)

ALBANY, NY – The Christmas season is all about spending time with family, ringing in good cheer, and perhaps most importantly, tradition. That’s why every year on Christmas Eve, while his children leave milk and cookies for Santa by the base of the chimney, local father Patrick Mills places a Twinkie and a European cigarette inside his home’s ventilation duct for Die Hard protagonist John McClane.

Die Hard is as synonymous with Christmas as Santa Claus, and it’s my job to ensure that John McClane gets a snack and a smoke while he crawls through our industrial shaft so that he has enough energy to go defeat Hans Gruber,” said Patrick, who conceded that McClane doesn’t usually bring any gifts as Santa does but that his heroism still deserves some delicious Twinkies.

While Patrick has spent the last few years hiding behind the couch in hopes of catching a glimpse of McClane, he’s never actually seen him. But considering the Twinkie is gone and only a cigarette butt remains come morning time, not to mention the trail of blood and shattered glass strewn about the living room carpet, Patrick knows that John definitely pays the house a visit after he goes to sleep.

“I don’t know why my kids bother leaving cookies for a fictional character like Santa when they could join me in honoring a true American hero,” continued Patrick, seemingly unaware of the fact that John McClane is a fictional character played by Bruce Willis.

In addition to the Twinkie and cigarette, Patrick also just finished writing a letter addressed to “John’s Workshop” at Nakatomi Plaza, requesting a PS5 and telling John that he’s been a good boy this year and definitely deserves one.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Keeps Thanksgiving Tradition Alive By Taking Post-Dinner Nap Over Zoom

Dad Takes Nap on Zoom
(Getty/Dylan Ellis)

CHULA VISTA, CA – While the Christiansen family was unable to gather in person this year for Thanksgiving due to the pandemic, 41-year-old Jason Christiansen, a father of two, wasn’t about to let that stand in the way of tradition, as he set up a Zoom call so that the entire family could watch him take a post-dinner nap.

“It just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Uncle Jason passing out on the couch,” said Jason’s niece Debbie, who along with the rest of the family played some virtual boardgames over Zoom while the audio from Jason’s snores intermittently cut in and out of the call.

While there was a brief moment where the entire Zoom call paused to see if Jason was waking up, it proved that he was just switching positions from one where the laptop camera showed an unflattering angle of his double chin to an even less flattering angle revealing his belly peeking out from beneath his shirt.

“It’s been a strange year, but it felt refreshingly normal to watch my brother fall asleep after consuming his weight in mashed potatoes,” said Jason’s brother Henry, who was grateful that Jason had upgraded to a premium Zoom account so that the family didn’t miss a single second of him napping.

As the entire family said their goodbyes and signed off the Zoom call around 10pm, it wasn’t until 3am that Jason finally woke up from his lengthy Turkey-induced nap and finally shut his laptop screen before immediately going to bed so he could sleep off the rest of the meal.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad “Really Sad” That Vegan Relatives Can’t Attend Thanksgiving Amid Covid

Dad Sad on Thanksgiving

CHESAPEAKE, VA – The COVID-19 pandemic has forced families to alter their Thanksgiving plans this year, meaning 36-year-old Greg Jeffries won’t be able to host a big family gathering like normal, which in turn has left him “utterly distraught” over the fact that his vegan relatives won’t be attending.

“I’m heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken,” said Greg while stuffing the tofurkey he bought last week straight into the trash, which he would have been forced to make for his sister-in-law and her husband before they ultimately canceled their travel plans.

While Greg also claimed to be sad that his meat-eating family members wouldn’t be coming to dinner this year, he made a point to stress that he was extra “inconsolable” and “unsure if he would ever find happiness again” over the fact that his vegan relatives wouldn’t be showing up and bringing vegan side dishes that took up valuable table space.

“Tears of joy? No, I’m really sad,” said Greg, who had tears running down his face when he pulled the delicious, meaty turkey out of the oven that he and his wife would be sharing without any concern for the dietary restrictions of others.

As Greg and his wife sat down to enjoy a smaller than usual Thanksgiving together, he realized that by this time next year the entire family would be able to gather safely again, vegans included. It was this realization that made him truly sad for the first time all day.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

REPORT: Kids Using Offshore Hiding Spots for Candy to Avoid Halloween Dad Tax

Off Shore Candy Hiding

A shattering new report has revealed kids across the country have been less than honest when it comes to reporting their full candy income, placing large quantities in offshore hiding spots to thwart the Halloween Dad Tax.

“We can’t stand for this,” said Mitch Robinson, director of the Defend All Dads Society. The DADS spokesman said thousands of kids have been getting creative with how they shift around their candy intake to avoid paying the full Dad Tax they owe.

“We’re talking kids completely moving their chocolate portfolio to different spots, leaving dads to pick through Skittles and Smarties. It’s a freaking joke,” Robinson added.

One dad contacted for this story, John Marston, said he was sick and tired of the behavior. “Are you telling me, that NONE of my kids have gotten a Snickers bar in three years???? Impossible!” he screamed. “Not even one fun-size Snickers?! Clearly, you’re up to some shady stuff if you can’t even produce a single Kit-Kat on Halloween night.”

One kid, speaking off the record, said kids had devised a system akin to a shell game to move their candy around to different hiding spots to keep the good stuff away from pilfering. Kids who have been trick-or-treating for hours are reporting hauls of little more than bubble gum, fruit snacks, and those weird little black and orange taffy things that haven’t been sold in stores since 1983. This kid in particular said no one in his friend group has reported receiving a full-size candy bar in years, even though they live in a neighborhood where they are commonly given out.

“It’s no big deal, we all do it,” the kid said. “Don’t blame us for taking advantage, blame the system. It’s what all candy-rich people do.”

DADS lobbyists have been working with the government to introduce legislation to overhaul the candy auditing system to make sure every kid is paying their fair share.

“If I get one more Halloween where all I’m left with is Tootsie Pops, I’m gonna lose it,” area dad Bill Williamson said. “I mean come on, a few Reese’s Cups and Butterfingers aren’t too much to ask. Maybe a Take 5 if the haul is good. This is just the way it’s always been done, and the way it’s supposed to be.”

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Toddler Who Just Sat Down at Upscale Restaurant Can’t Wait To Fuck Shit Up

Toddler Behaving at Restaurant

ABERDEEN, MD –– Less than 30 seconds after his family sat down at Forniglia’s Italian Dining, three-year-old Jade Miller, dressed in a fancy new black dress, complete with a bow,  is ready to absolutely wreck this restaurant, along with fucking destroying every staff member’s evening.

“Yelling, crying, spilling, spitting out food, dropping forks, grabbing knives — nothing is off the table, including knocking everything off the table,” the moody preschooler said. “I should not have been brought here.”

Previously, Jade’s parents have only dared bring her to lower quality restaurants, such as Kaboom’s, Crazy Joe’s Chicken Shack, and Olive Garden. Those visits ended in disaster.

Jade is perhaps best known for a shit-show at a restaurant last October, which ended with her leaving the table, lying on the floor in the area where wait staff carries food out of the kitchen, going limp to make herself hard to pick up, and screaming.

“We knew we were taking a risk bringing her to Forniglia’s,” Jade’s father Joe Miller said. “But we had to try. I’m tired of eating chicken fingers.”

As of press time, Jade had already knocked his water cup and cutlery onto the floor in an “accident.”

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEARTWARMING: Dad Forgives Children’s Halloween Candy Tax Until Easter

Dad Candy Tax Forgiven

ROCKVILLE, MD – With towns across the nation canceling Halloween due to the pandemic, many kids this year will, unfortunately, have to settle for less candy than they’ve come to expect. However, one selfless father is well aware of the less than ideal situation and is doing what he can to help, as 42-year-old Tom Anderson agreed to forgive his children’s annual Halloween candy tax until Easter.

Wow! If that’s not being a great parent, then we don’t know what is.

“After our town cancelled Halloween, I knew my kids would be devastated, so I’ve chose to let them keep what little candy they get their hands on so long as they pay me back when they get their Easter baskets,” said Tom, whose kids only had a few measly Kit Kat bars to their name only because their mom went to the store and bought them a handful.

While Tom normally charges a 10% candy tax on both Halloween and Easter, his forgiveness of said tax in the short term means he’ll be collecting 25% of his children’s Easter baskets when you add interest, an agreement his children weren’t particularly happy with but still accepted considering the dire circumstances.

“Nobody is doing well in this economy, and I know my kids don’t currently have the resources to fill my belly with Reese’s. That being said, current forecasts expect things to improve come April, and when that time comes, I’m snapping the ears off that chocolate bunny and eating them all myself.”

If only everyone’s dad was as understanding as Tom! While there’s no decision yet on what to do with the candy canes his kids receive around Christmas, Tom is considering introducing a payment plan so that his children aren’t forced to mortgage their gingerbread houses.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

BREAKING: 5yo Realizing ‘Cool New Game’ Dad Suggested Is Just Yard Work

boy raking lawn

Nashville, TN — After close to a half-hour of play, 5-year-old James Donnelly is starting to put together that “Yard-a-Thon”, the fun new game his father invented, is actually just yard work.

James’ father, Dennis Whitmer, had announced the game as an edgy version of the Olympic decathlon, set at kids’ homes. But after 25 minutes of raking leaves, mulching the garden, and pulling weeds, the kindergartener is starting to suspect this was a ploy to trick him into doing his father’s outdoor labor.

“You can see in his eyes, he’s starting to realize that none of what he’s doing is fun,” the father said. “I’d guess I only have 10 minutes left.”

The 43-year-old father is trying to delay the child’s realization with a mix of tactics: complicated game rules, a byzantine scoring system, and the creation of fictional “Yard-a-Thon” arch rivals who are talking trash about his son’s yard-abilities.

“Lonnie Steen’s Dad just called: Lonnie thinks you can’t collect all the grass clippings before lunch,” the elder Donnelly told his son through the window. “I told him he’s wrong. Plus, if you get the dry patch re-seeded today, you might be approaching a US record for Yard-a-Thon points!”

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Study Finds Dads Can’t Name 95% of Neighbors They Wave At

Joel Wave
(The Dad)

A recent study found the average dad waves to approximately 43 neighbors per week. Of those people, he is only able to name 5 percent of those he’s waving to. The study, conducted by the Harvard Institute of People and Places In Everyday Situations, engaged more than 1,000 dads for their groundbreaking research.

“It doesn’t matter who a dad drives past, if he’s in a neighborhood, he just waves, it’s astonishing,” said Dr. Felix Madison, lead researcher of the study. “It could be a serial killer, it could be a series of children stacked on each other’s shoulders wearing a trench coat, it doesn’t matter.”

The study utilized dash cams installed in minivans across the nation. The footage monitored dads from the driveway until they hit a main road, and tracked every single wave, smile, salute, finger gun, and head nod. Those dads were then shown a lineup of the people they waved to. They were able to successfully put a name with a face 5 percent of the time.

“I don’t know if this tells the whole truth,” said study participant and cargo short connoisseur Gabe Daniels. “I call everyone I meet ‘Buddy,’ so technically I got every single name right.”

The 5 percent success rate on an average of 43 neighbors means most dads were only able to name less than three. That means two neighbors and the first initial of a third.

“This is basically the opposite of Cheers,” Dr. Madison said. “The neighborhood is the place where no one knows your name.”

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.