Teacher Goes Viral After Sharing and Rating Jokes From His Kindergarten Students

Teacher shares and rates students' jokes
(Getty/FatCamera Twitter/GeorgePointon_)

Kids generally don’t realize just how hilarious they are. Even when they’re intentionally trying to make you laugh, it’s often not even the joke itself that makes us completely lose it. Maybe it’s the energy with which they deliver a joke that makes no actual sense or the fact that they can’t contain their absolute glee when sharing a joke that we’ve heard no fewer than 3,000 times over the years. One teacher from the UK shared a knee-slapping thread of jokes his year 1 students (kindergarten in the US) told him on Twitter and quickly went viral both due to the thorough analysis and him calling them out for their terrible jokes.

George Pointon’s thread has received hundreds of thousands of likes in the week since he posted it, in addition to thousands of comments from strangers around the world providing their own analysis of the young students’ jokes.

“I asked my Year 1 classes to tell me a joke; Here is my analysis. A THREAD,” Pointon begins.

Alice kicked things off with a classic knee-slapper

Katie brought us back to Earth with some classic plagiarism

Jack’s 5/10 seems a bit generous, it was a crap joke

Frankie, buddy, we had such high hopes for you

Emma coming in strong, reminding us of the power of ‘the quiet kid’

Mikey tried to nail a classic callback but pulled a Bill and Ted and went so far back that we seem to have entered an alternate reality

We can fully picture this delivery, and it’s *chef’s kiss*

Physical comedy is an art, Rosie is an artist

Abbott and Costello’s classic, “Who’s Up First?” Phenomenal

A little comedy, a little existential crisis

There’s always that comedian that takes a joke too far and ruins it for everyone – and with that, Susanna brings the thread to a close

Did Alice’s classic bit take the cake? Were you a bigger fan of Rosie’s “you had to be there” bit? There can only be one king or queen of comedy in this bunch of 5-ish-year-olds, or maybe every single one of them is the master of their own style. Either way, we had a great time. Make sure to tip your bus driver.

35 Relatable and Hilarious Marriage Jokes Your Wife Will Love

husband and wife jokes
(Getty/Luis Alvarez)

Relationships are hard. Marriage? Even harder. Anyone who says marriage is easy is lying. Don’t get us wrong: Marriage has its perks. You don’t have to try so hard in bed all the time to impress a permanent partner. You have someone to remind you that it’s time to put out the trash. And, perhaps most importantly, it’s easier to play good cop, bad cop with kids when you can divide and conquer. Still, at the end of the day, a relationship consists of two people with different childhoods, preferences, and traumas coming together and building a life. It’s compromising. And debating. And conceding. It’s also a lot of fun if you can inject some humor in your day-to-day.

One way that Buddhists describe love is, “wanting always for the other person to be happy.” When your loved one is happy and you’re the reason, it can feel exhilarating. And what’s a better way to stay happy than to laugh together at some good old relationship humor?

Do all of these jokes fit every relationship? Nah, some are chuckle-worthy relics from a generation (or two) before our time. But, we’re positive you’ll find plenty to relate to and laugh about.

1. My wife and I have decided we don’t want kids.
If you’re interested, please contact us immediately to arrange dropping them off.

2. How do you know if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

3. I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.
She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.

4. I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.
For the life of me, I can’t remember why I got married.

5. My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.
I told them I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.

6. What’s the difference between a relationship and a video game?
They both start off fun and easy, then get a litter harder. If you make it to the end without breaking, everyone is shocked.

7. “I love you,” she said.
“Is that you talking,” I asked, “Or the wine?”
“It’s me talking to the wine.”

8. Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they always have to repeat themselves.

9. My boyfriend and I met on the internet and my mother asked him what line he used to get me.
He said, “I just used a modem.”

10. What do a wife and a grenade have in common?
They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.

11. If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.

12. I saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.

13. Every morning I like to remind my wife who’s in charge by holding a mirror up to her face.

14. My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other.
So far, we’ve been up for three days.

15. When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.
They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

16. Once you’re married, people stop asking about your sex life.
They know you don’t have one.

17. I play the world’s most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.

18. I asked my wife which she liked better, my face or my body?
She said, “Your sense of humor.”

19. My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.
I guess we were just raised differently.

20. How can you tell if a woman is divorced?
She’s bungee jumping for joy.

21. Arguing with your partner is like trying to read the “Terms of Use” on the internet.
Eventually, you just give up and say, “I Agree.”

22. Wife: Let’s go out and have fun tonight!
Husband: Okay but, if you get back before me, leave the light on.

23. The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

24. Marrying someone for their good looks is like buying a house for the paint color.

25. My partner and I took out life insurance policies on each other.
So, now it’s just a waiting game.

26. I was emotional when I caught my husband looking at our marriage certificate. Then I found out he was looking for an expiration date.

27. Marriage is when a man and woman become one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

28. A man approaches a very beautiful woman in the supermarket and says, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” asked the beautiful woman.
To which the man replied, “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

29. Marriage is full of surprises, but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”

30. At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home, and those who don’t. The trouble is they’re usually married to each other.

31. My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So, I told him to leave me alone and, when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

32. Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

33. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong, and she agrees with me.

34. When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.

35. Man: I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
Friend: Why not?
Man: I don’t like to interrupt her.

12 of Our Best Dad Jokes (Memes) From January

Our Best Dad Jokes From January

Nothing is more dad than laughing at your own jokes. Here are our 12 personal favorites from last month. (Actually as voted by you, based on Facebook engagement.)

1. Poof

2. Kylow Energy

3. Cowabunga

4. Off the Hook

5. Food for Thought

6. Don’t Poke the Bear

7. Un-surence

8. No Jacket Required

9. Fair Warning

10. Don’t Do It

11. Don’t Care

12. Warning

Check out last month’s top memes here.

12 of Our Best Dad Jokes (Memes) From December

12 Best Dad Jokes of December

Nothing is more dad than laughing at your own jokes. Here are our 12 personal favorites from last month. (Actually as voted by you, based on Facebook engagement.)

1. No Rest for the Wicked

2. He Sits on a Throne of Lies

3. Elf Sprint

4. Dad’s Best Friend

5. Will Regret This Later

6. Drama

7. Genius

8. And Noisemakers

9. Dialing…

10. No Mercy

12. Balanced Diet

Check out last month’s top memes here.

25 Hilarious Hanukkah and Winter Dad Jokes


Not all of us celebrate Christmas. We try to make Hanukkah just as fun, but there’s one area it’s hard to compete: There are disproportionately far more jokes about Rudolph and Santa than there are jokes about dreidels and menorahs. So this holiday season we put together a collection of our favorite Hanukkah jokes, and a number of winter jokes too, just to make sure absolutely everyone in the northern hemisphere is covered!

1. My mother gave me two sweaters last Hanukkah. This year when we went back to visit I made sure to wear one. As we walked in she looked at me concerned and said, “What’s wrong, you didn’t like the other one?”

2. Which hand is it best to light the menorah with?
Neither, it’s best to light it with a candle.

3. Two menorahs are sitting in the window. One turns to the other and says, “Wow, it’s getting hot with all these candles.” The other looks back and says, “Whoa, a talking menorah!”

4. A man went to buy some stamps for his Hanukkah cards. He asks the clerk, “Do I have to stick these on myself?” The clerk says, “Well, it’ll work better if you stick them on the envelope.”

5. A grandmother is giving directions to her grandson before he visits her at her new place for Hanukkah. She tells him, “There’s a big panel in the front of the building. Just hit 3A with your elbow for my apartment and I’ll buzz you in. When you get in the elevator, use your elbow to hit 3 and it’ll take you to my floor. When you get to my apartment you can just use your elbow to ring the bell.” The grandson replies, “That all sounds fine, but why am I using my elbow for everything?” His grandmother gasps and says, “You’re coming to visit empty-handed?

6. What’s the best Hanukkah gift for someone who has everything?
A burglar alarm.

7. A boy sees his neighbors have a Christmas tree in their window. He asks his father, “Dad, can we get Hanukkah tree?” His father tells him absolutely not, and his son asks why. The father says, “Last time we had dealing with a lighted bush we had to spend 40 years in the desert.”

8. Out for dinner on Hanukkah, I asked the waiter if my latkes would be long. He told me the chef prefers to make them round.

9. What’s colorful, spins around and has wheels?
A dreidel, I lied about the wheels.

10. A woman goes to the post office to buy 50 Hanukkah stamps for her cards. The cashier asks, “What domination?” The woman replies, “I don’t think it matters, but I guess I’ll take 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”

11. What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.

12. Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I’ll have to let her in.

13. I asked a snowman if it was hard only being able to get seasonal work in the winter. He told me it wasn’t a problem. In the summer he temps as a puddle.

14. One snowman turns to another in the field and says, “Do you smell carrots?”

15. What do snowmen put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile.

16. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints.

17. People think it’s easy being a comedian in the winter. But it’s snow joke.

18. What’s the best tool to help a snowman lose weight?

19. Why do seals swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

20. How is throwing a dictionary like birds going south for the winter?
They’re both flying information.

21. I got hit in the head with a snowball. Knocked me out cold.

22. A man sends his wife a text that says, “Window’s frozen.” She texts back, “Pour some warm water over them.” 10 minutes later he writes back, “Computer’s completely ruined now.”

23. Why do hipsters love ice?
Because it was water before it was cool.

24. The skiing competition started well, but it was all downhill from there.

25. I heard Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which is a shame, he had such a great fall.

Looking for some more holiday jokes? We’ve got 50 Hilarious Christmas jokes all ready for you!

55 Christmas Themed Dad Jokes for Kids to Dial up their Holiday Spirit

50 Christmas Dad Jokes for Kids
(Getty/Adie Bush)

It’s a magical time of year. The snow, the presents, the action-packed Christmas movies, the children waking you up at 4AM to open the gifts you just finished wrapping 20 minutes earlier. We’re grateful for every second of it, but keeping kids entertained over that long winter break can be a challenge! By now you’ve probably used all of our worst dad jokes, so here are 55 holiday bangers, to keep your kids laughing and/or groaning until you figure out how to put that playhouse together.

1. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet.

2. What do snowmen call their offspring?

3. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house.

4. What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

5. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
An abdominal snowman.

6. What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?

7. What is the best Christmas present?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.

8. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?
He was hooked on trees his whole life.

9. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

10. What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad.

11. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

12. What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?
This one’s gonna sleigh you!

13. What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?
Silent Night.

14. Why did Santa’s helper see a therapist?
Because he had low elf-esteem.

15. Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?
He was searching for some holiday spirit.

16. What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less.

17. Why do Christmas trees like the past so much?
Because the present’s beneath them.

18. Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee?

19. What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?

20. Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?
Because it soots him.

21. What do you call a snowman that can walk?

22. What is Santa’s favorite place to deliver presents?

23. Where does santa keep all his money?
At the snow bank.

24. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

25. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No-el.

26. What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

27. How is Christmas exactly like your job?
You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

28. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

29. Did you hear that Santa knows karate?
He has a black belt.

30. Who delivers Christmas presents to sharks?
Santa Jaws.

31. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

32. What’s Santa Claus’s favorite type of potato chip?
Crisp Pringles.

33. How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed.

34. Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles.

35. Why did Frosty’s wife ask for a divorce?
He was a total flake.

36. What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you.

37. Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho ho ho.

38. Why didn’t Rudolph go to school?
He was elf-taught.

39. Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.

40. Why don’t reindeer like picnics?
Because of all their ant-lures.

41. What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain, dear?

42. What do elves post on Social Media?

43. Why can’t penguins fly?
They’re not tall enough to be pilots.

44. What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ‘ribbet ribbet’?
A Mistle-toad.

45. What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle.

46. Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.

47. How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.

48. What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backward.

49. What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!

50. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

51. How you can tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents.

52. What is Santa’s nationality?
He’s North Pole-ish

53. How does Santa take photos?
With a Pole-aroid camera, of course.

54. Why doesn’t Santa go to the hospital?
He has private elf care.

55. What does Santa eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes

How about some Hanukkah jokes? Still not enough jokes for you? How about 101 of the best puns out there to keep your kids stocked in eye-rolls for the rest of the year!

12 of Our Best Dad Jokes (Memes) From November

Our Best Memes of the Month

Nothing is more dad than laughing at your own jokes. Here are our 12 personal favorites from last month. (Actually as voted by you, based on Facebook engagement.)

1. 20/80 Rule

2. Adventurous Eaters

3. Morning Person

4. Change the Channel

5. Didn’t Do My Research

6. This IS Christmas Music

7. Suspect Has Been ID’d

8. Careers

9. Yelling Match

10. Origins of Cool

11. Ooops

12. Curtains

Check out last month’s top memes here.

101 of the Worst Puns to Make Your Family Cringe

101 Bad Dad Puns

It’s an oft-quoted line that puns are the lowest form of wit. To that I say, I think we can go lower. We’ve put together a list of 101 of the absolute groaniest puns around. Next time your kid is embarrassed because you refused to drop them off a block away from school, these are what you shout from the window to make it worse.

1. A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage. He lost his case.

2. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? He was on a roll.

3. Did you hear about the man who tried to catch fog? He mist.

4. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it’s actually more of a wrap.

5. Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing.

6. Last week I called someone a watering hole, but I meant well.

7. Yeah, I steal brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.

8. The definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

9. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

10. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

11. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

12. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

13. Don’t interrupt someone working on a puzzle. You’ll hear some crosswords.

14. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? It had too many sleepless knights.

15. All these sea monster jokes are Kraken me up.

16. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

17. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.

18. What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A T-Wrecks.

19. What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.

20. What do you call an everyday potato? A commentator.

21. How do you put a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.

22. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

23. What did the volcano say to his wife? I lava you.

24. What do you call and owl that does magic? Hoodini.

25. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.

26. What do you call a classy salmon? Sofishticated.

27. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Gummybear.

28. How do you organize a space party? You planet.

29. What do you call and alligator in a vest? An investigator.

30. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A dino-snore.

31. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.

32. I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

33. I got fired as train engineer. They tallied up all my accidents, it was so hard to keep track.

34. Accidentally buried someone alive. It was a grave mistake.

35. I had to clean out all my spices. What a waste of thyme.

36. What do you call a laughing motorcycle? Yamahahaha.

37. A friend of mine annoyed me with bird puns. But toucan play at that game.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. I told my friend I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

40. What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? They’re always raisinet.

41. Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.

42. What did the librarian say when the books were a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

43. Why did the police go to a daycare center? A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

44. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

45. Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it.

46. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

47. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: He was on a roll.

48. I sent ten puns into a contest hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.

49. How much room should you give fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.

50. I cut my finger shredding cheese, but I think I may have grater problems.

51. How do trees get online? They just log in.

52. Why are dogs bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

53. Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

54. Why do hamburgers go to the gym? To get better buns.

55. What do you do when life gives you melons? See a doctor, you’re probably dyslexic.

56. It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall.

57. A Chinese restaurant got vandalized. It was an act of wonton destruction.

58. What do you call a dishonest noodle? An Impasta.

59. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

60. Where are average products made? The satisfactory.

61. Mummifying puns are so disheartening.

62. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

63. Why shouldn’t you mention the number 288? It’s two gross.

64. Why did the mathematician’s numeral keep ending up in the wrong place? It was Roman.

65. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

66. How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t. You get down from a goose.

67. Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he’s a keeper.

68. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

69. How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

70. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

71. Which is faster, heat or cold? Heat, you can catch cold.

72. I gave a valuable comb to a bald friend. He’ll never part with it.

73. Why couldn’t the circus replace their human cannonball? They couldn’t find another man of his caliber.

74. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired.

75. What did the ill comic say in the hospital? I’m here … all weak.

76. I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re watchdogs.

77. Advanced math is easy as pi.

78. Why does coffee hate mornings? It keeps getting mugged.

79. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

80. What did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, he just let out a little whine.

81. Life as an elevator repairman has its ups and downs.

82. Learning to sleep upside down is hard for bats, but they get the hang of it.

83. Waking up is an eye-opening experience.

84. I used to be a banker, until I lost interest.

85. Why couldn’t the coffee go out? It was grounded.

86. No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

87. When I get undressed in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

88. Why are teddy bears never hungry? They’re always stuffed.

89. I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

90. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

91. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

92. I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomial.

93. Where do robots go for fun? The circuits.

94. I accidentally ate food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

95. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

96. To solve claustrophobia you have to think outside the box.

97. What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.

98. Only small babies are delivered by stork, the big ones need a crane.

99. If you ever feel cold just stand in a corner. They’re usually around 90 degrees.

100. I just heard they won’t be making rulers any longer.

101. By shear coincidence, all these sheep look the same.

Check out our list of the 101 best puns in the world.

Can’t get enough of corny dad jokes? How about 101 knock-knock jokes to help you along!

12 of Our Best Dad Jokes (Memes) From October

(The Dad)

Nothing is more dad than laughing at your own jokes. Here are our 12 personal favorites from October. (Actually as voted by you, based on Facebook engagement.)

1. It’s all about confidence

(The Dad)

2. A family tradition

(The Dad)

RELATEDInternet Memes For Children – Scary Mommy

3. The vibe is slightly different

(The Dad)

4. This game is impossible

(The Dad)

5. Sweet dreams, buddy

(The Dad)

6. Say what now

(The Dad)

7. Get yourself together, dude

(The Dad)

8. 🤔🤔🤔🤔

(The Dad)

9. Beats doing the dishes 🤷‍♂️

(The Dad)

10. Off the charts pain

(The Dad)

11. A framer

(The Dad)

12. 😏

(The Dad)

101 of the Best Puns in the World

(Getty/Annie Otzen)

Puns are at the heart of every good dad joke. And, not coincidentally, every terrible dad joke. Which perhaps makes them even more impressive. What else could get you so much mileage towards both entertaining, and embarrassing, your children? As always, The Dad is here to assist in this grand endeavor! We’ve compiled a list of 101 of the best puns out there, ready to be released whenever your kids need a laugh. Or just when you do.

1. I saw an ad for burial plots, but that’s the last thing I need.

2. Did you hear about the silk worm race? It ended in a tie.

RELATED: The 40 Best Riddles for Kids That Aren’t Too Confusing – Fatherly 

3. I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off.

4. Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Well, the flag is a big plus.

5. Clones are people two.

6. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

7. Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.

8. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbor is dead against it.

9. What are windmills’ favorite genre of music? They’re big metal fans.

10. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

11. Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.

12. My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.

13. I love whiteboards. They’re re-markable.

14. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? AIreland. Every day it’s Dublin.

15. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working. It doesn’t make any cents.

16. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

17. I went to a new mechanic. They came highly wreck-a-mended.

18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

19. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

20. Why can’t you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

21. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

22. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? They’re both cauld ron.

23. An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.

24. What’s the best time on a clock? 6:30, hands down.

25. Please don’t make my funeral too early. I’m not really a mourning person.

26. I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

27. Why did the lizard say he named his baby “Tiny?” Because he’s my newt.

RELATED: 79 Corny Jokes to Tell to Kids You Love (And Adults You Hate)

28. Someone stole the police station’s toilets. They have nothing to go on.

29. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

30. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

31. What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.

32. I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.

33. I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.

34. I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.

35. I’m afraid of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

37. Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

38. I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business.

39. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

40. RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

41. Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

42. Just found out sticks float. They would.

43. My boat was cold, I tried to make a fire but it sank. I guess you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

44. I went to that new restaurant, Karma. There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.

45. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.

46. You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

47. I met a criminal with a bounty on his head. That was a weird place to keep paper towels.

48. A psychic tried to sell me information on my past lives. I hate used karma dealers.

49. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

50. I met my wife on a dating site. We just clicked.

51. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

52. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.

53. My roommates suspect I’m stealing their kitchen utensils. But that’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

54. I’m going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. Why knot?

55. I decided to get rid of my spine. It was holding me back.

56. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

57. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.

58. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

59. Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

60. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

61. Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

62. What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

63. I recently took a pole and found out 100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed.

64. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to me.

65. A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

66. I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

67. Santa Claus’s elves are subordinate clauses.

68. I’m designing a reversible jacket. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

69. A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.

70. To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!

71. There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.

72. I tried to draw a circle, but it was pointless.

73. Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.

74. There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.

75. Velcro… what a rip-off.

76. I gave away my dead batteries, no charge.

77. One-fifth of people are just too tense.

78. After the birth of your child, your role in life will become apparent.

79. A backwards poet writes inverse.

80. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

81. My kid swallowed some coins, the doctor told me to just wait. No change yet.

82. My friend’s bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.

83. You should wear glasses while doing math. It improves division.

84. I’m glad I learned sign language. It’s really handy.

85. Bad gardeners are rough around the hedges.

86. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

87. This girl thought she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.

88. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

89. Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He’s all right now.

90. I make apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.

91. A cartoonist was found dead. Details are sketchy.

92. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster. It just got more sluggish.

93. Life as a professional yo-yoer has its ups and downs.

94. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

95. My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn’t 1 2.

96. I failed my Braille class. It’s a touchy subject.

97. I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

98. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

99. My leaf blower doesn’t work, it just sucks.

100. Need an ark? I Noah guy.

101. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

While you’re here you might as well check our list of the 101 worst puns too.

When you’ve finally had enough of jokes for dads, how about checking out these fantastic funny quotes written by some?

101 of the Best (& Worst) Knock-Knock Jokes For Kids

101 Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids
(Getty/ ncognet0)

Knock-knock jokes have been around since the first dad noticed the first door. There are just 3 rules, and they’re very simple:

1: You have to say knock-knock.
2: The person at the door is not who you expect.
3: You have to start telling your kids these jokes when they find it to be the most hilarious thing in the world and then continue telling them even when they’re an annoyed teenager and roll their eyes every time you do it.

It’s a time-honored tradition, and we’ve compiled 101 of the best (and worst) knock-knock jokes out there. With our help, you’ll have enough material to embarrass them right through college!

1. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Major who?
Major day with this joke haven’t I?

2. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

3. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Spell who?

4. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
FBI w-
We’re asking the questions here.

5. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Leon who?
♫Leon me, when you’re not strong.♫

6. Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
You should say, “Control freak who” now

7. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alien who?
How many aliens do you know?

8. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ho-ho who?
Your Santa impression needs work.

9. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
They do but I still need to come in.

10. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting c—

11. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Want who?
Want, who, want who three four!

12. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Water Who?
Water you waiting for? Answer the door!

13. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go “Moo.”

14. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nun who?
Nun of your business!

15. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wooden shoe.
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know!

16. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood, thought I’d drop by.

17. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kenya who?
Kenya let me in already?

18. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben who?
Ben knocking all morning, let me in!

19. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sacha who?
Sacha lot of questions!

20. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Art who?

21. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Les who?
Les go out!

22. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

23. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hike who?
No it’s a joke not a poem.

24. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anita who?
Anita get inside!

25. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Egg who?
Eggstremely disappointed you don’t recognize me

26. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like you to open the door!

27. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya who?
Wow, I’m glad you’re excited to see me!

28. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alex who?
Alex-plain when you open the door!

29. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kanga who?
It’s pronounced kangaroo, actually.

30. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howard who?
Howard I know?

31. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tank who?
You’re welcome, but all I did was knock!

32. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iran who?
Iran all the way over to see you!

33. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Max who?
Max no difference, open the door!

34. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah who?
Noah way I can get in?

35. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess who?
Jess open the door!

36. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger, I brought buns!

37. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sarah who?
Sa-rah phone I could use?

38. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place!

39. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Déjà who?
Knock, knock.

40. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke who?
Luke through the peephole and see!

41. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow who?
Snow use, I forgot my name again.

42. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!

43. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked.

44. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Oscar who?
Oscar silly question, get a silly answer!

45. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s only a joke.

46. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amanda who?
Amanda fix your sink.

47. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ida who?
It’s actually pronounced Idaho.

48. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Passion who?
Passion by and thought I’d pop in!

49. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Etch who?

50. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Suspense who?

It’s just me.

51. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatcha doing and open the door!

52. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey who?
Dewey have to do this every time?

53. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cereal who?
Ce-real pleasure to see you!

54. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Leena who?
Leena little closer and I’ll tell you.

55. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore who?
Adore’s still closed, open up!

56. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better way to get in.

57. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ray who?
Ray-member me?

58. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Me who?
Don’t you know who you are?

59. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don’t open the door?

60. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Conrad who?
Conradulations, this was a good knock-knock joke!

61. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Russell who?
Russell up some food, I’m hungry!

62. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amish who?
Aw, I miss you too!

63. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Broken pencil.
Broken pencil who?
Never mind, there’s no point.

64. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Riot who?
Riot on time, here I am!

65. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe who?
Canoe let me in or not?

66. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mango who?
Mango to the door and just answer it!

67. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Will who?
Will you let me in already?

68. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva who?
Iva sore hand from knocking so long!

69. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Razor who?
Razor hands, it’s the police!

70. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To who?
It’s “to whom,” actually.

71. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Juno who?
Juno how long I’ve been out here?

72. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annie who?
Annie body home?

73. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sherlock who?
Sherlock your door tight, don’t you?

74. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow who?
Snow use asking, just open up and look!

75. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t work, open the door!

76. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin who?
Robin you, gimme the money!

77. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo who?
Sorry, I thought this was my friend’s house, didn’t know an owl lived here.

78. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Owl who?
Owl be sad if you don’t let me in!

79. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door!

80. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don’t let me in!

81. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle who?
Needle little help getting in!

82. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out!

83. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nobel who?
Nobel out here, that’s why I knocked.

84. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen who?
Dozen all this knocking bother you?

85. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo who?
No, cargo “beep beep.”

86. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange who?
Orange you sick of these knock-knock jokes yet?

87. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you inside, open up!

88. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache who?
I thought I mustache you a question. But I can shave it for tomorrow!

89. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Emma who?
Emma bit cold, can you let me in?

90. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doris who?
Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!

91. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wire who?
Wire you asking me?

92. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are, asking so many questions?

93. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candice who?
Candice door open or not?

94. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, that’s why we’re knocking!

95. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Eye nose.
Eye nose who?
Eye nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!

96. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash who?
No thanks, I’m allergic to nuts.

97. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.

98. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Says who?
Says me, that’s who!

99. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting sloth.
Interrupting sloth who?


100. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Déjà who?
Knock, knock.

101. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Haven who?
Haven you heard enough of these knock-knock jokes yet?

If you like these you’ll love our lists of the 101 best and worst dad jokes.

The Worst 202 Dad Jokes That Will Make Your Kids Cringe

101 Worst Dad Jokes to Make Your Kids Cringe
(Getty/Radius Images)

There are so many unique perks to being a dad, but there’s one unlike any other: Bad jokes magically become good! At least in our own minds. But if it’s a delusion, it’s a delusion no one can take from us. Here’s a list of the 101 Corniest Dad Jokes out there. Share them with your kids! Whether it’s raucous laughter from your toddler or a pained eye roll from your teenager, it’s missions accomplished for us!

1. When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

2. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs.

RELATED: The Best Yo Mama Jokes Are Also the Kindest Yo Mama Jokes – Fatherly

3. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

4. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.

5. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.

6. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

7. What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

8. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.

9. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.

10. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

11. Why did the pirate walk the plank?
His dog was back on land.

12. I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.

13. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

14. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

15. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

16. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

17. What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.

18. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

19. What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y!

20. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.

21. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

22. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

RELATED: 100+ Dad Jokes That MOMS Think Are Funny – Scary Mommy

23. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!

24. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

25. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.

26. What sound does a witches car make?
Broom Broom.

27. Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.

28. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

29. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.

30. I try to avoid eating anchovies.
It’s a little fishy.

31. Why can’t you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.

32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

33. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

34. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.

35. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

36. What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

37. Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

40. What was Forrest Gump’s email password?

41. How do trees access the internet?
They log in.

42. What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

43. 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

44. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

45. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.

46. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

47. What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milkshake.

48. Why do the French never order 2 eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.

49. What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!

50. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

51. Why couldn’t the mail person delivery any envelopes?
They were stationary.

52. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

53. I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny.

54. What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?
Frost bite.

55. How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.

56. Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.

57. I tried to catch some fog.
But I mist.

58. Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes?

59. I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.

60. Which day do chickens hate the most?

61. What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!

62. The rotation of earth really makes my day.

63. What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

64. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

65. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

66. The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

67. What’s the king of all school supplies?
The ruler.

68. Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.

69. Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.

70. Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.

71. What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!

72. What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?

73. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.

74. Why does the clock break when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

75. Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.

76. Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.

77. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

78. What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get?
The No-bell prize.

79. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.

80. Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
It has too many tellers.

81. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.

82. How do astronomers organize a party?
They planet.

83. What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

84. Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.

85. Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

86. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.

87. Where do sharks go on vacation?

88. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.

89. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.

90. How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.

91. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.

92. What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.

93. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.

94. What state do crayons go to on vacation?

95. Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.

96. What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

97. What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.

98. Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

99. Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.

100. What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.

101. Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

102. I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.

103. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.

104. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.

105. What does a zombie vegetarian eat?

106. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.

107. A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.

108. What’s the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple?
They’re both red. Except for the green one.

109. How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?
You slowly get over it.

110. Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

111. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

112. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

113. How did ancient Grecians get memorialized?
They had to urn it.

114. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They’re making headlines.

115. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.

116. What do you call bears with no ears?

117. Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.

118. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

119. When does a tailor need to go on vacation?
When they seem stressed.

120. What is heavy forward but not backward?
A ton.

121. Why can’t you tell dad jokes until you have kids?
It’s a faux pas.

122. I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I’ve got twelve fridges.

123. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.

124. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

125. Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

126. Two soldiers are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Blubblublubblubblub.”

127. Why was the burglar so sensitive?
He takes things personally.

128. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.

129. I invented a new word today:

130. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it.

131. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

132. Why is Orion’s belt the worst constellation?
It’s a waist of space.

133. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in
Airplane! mode.

134. Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people?
None of them work.

135. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

136. My son put his shoes on the wrong feet.
I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.

137. The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag.
I told him to just leave it in the carton.

138. What was the most ground-breaking invention?
A shovel.

139. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

140. Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic?
It takes you back.

141. I just found out I’m colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

142. What do you call a fish with no eye?

143. A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot.
But that’s the last thing I need.

144. To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.

145. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

146. Why do flamingoes life one leg up?
If they lifted both they’d fall.

147. What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A yardvark.

148. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang.
Eventually, it came back to me.

149. Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.

150. Today my son asked me for a book Mark.
Can’t believe he’s 11 and still doesn’t know I’m named Dave.

151. Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum?
It was just collecting dust.

152. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

153. What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

154. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
That can’t just be a coincidence.

155. If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.

156. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

157. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

158. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

159. I tried watching The Neverending Story.
Couldn’t finish it.

160. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

161. What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.

162. Don’t worry if your parachute won’t open.
You’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.

163. What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

164. Why shouldn’t you try writing with a broken pencil?
It’s pointless.

165. Why should you buy socks with holes in them?
It’s the only way to get your feet in.

166. What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

167. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.

168. What’s the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.

169. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

170. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

171. This morning my alarm went off early.
I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.

172. Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.

173. Why is “R” only a pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.

174. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.

175. How do you remember which direction the sun rises in?
Eventually, it’ll dawn on you.

176. Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.

177. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

178. What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

179. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

180. What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?

181. When does a dad joke cost $1000?
When it’s a granddad joke.

182. Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.

183. What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.

184. What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

185. What’s the tallest building in the world?
The library, it has the most stories.

186. What’s the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.

187. How are a hippo and Zippo similar?
One is very heavy, the other’s only a little lighter.

188. What’s the 25th letter of the alphabet?
I don’t know, y?

189. What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK, Rolling.

190. How do you handle a fear of elevators?
You take steps to avoid them.

191. How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see it later or in awhile.

192. When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer?
There are more geese on that side.

193. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

194. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

195. How can you tell by someone’s home if they’re a highway robber?
All the signs will be there.

196. Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.

197. How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can’t, elephant only have feet.

198. What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

199. How do you make an egg roll?
Just give it a little push.

200. How can you make money while freshening your breath?

201. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

202. Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.