Christmas is here!

That means hacking down trees and dragging them inside your house, lying to your children about a home invader in a strange blouse, and tweets about what happens if a mall Santa sits on another mall Santa.

Here are some funny jokes you can read while hiding from your racist uncle with a bottle of port and phone charger in the bathroom…

Care for the older generation.

The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder

— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 27, 2014

Family values.

Taurus: It will be an “old fashioned Christmas” for you this year, with a teenager giving birth in your garage.

— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) December 7, 2017

Watching classic Christmas movies.

In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.

— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 22, 2014

Kids’ magical meetings with Santa

A mall Santa sits on another mall Santa's lap and the mall explodes

— Shawn (@online_shawn) December 7, 2015

The grace of a reindeer drawn sleigh.

[Christmas 12:15am]
Mrs. Claus: Shouldn't you have left by now?
Santa: [throwing couch cushions] WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS

— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 7, 2015

The wonder of the nativity.

Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 8, 2011

♬All of the other reindeer…♬

"Um wow okay"
-all of Santa's other reindeer

— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 14, 2014

Family. Family. Family.

Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 12, 2012

Ritual and tradition.

"I don't trust Muslims, they have some funny beliefs and customs," he said while dragging a pine tree into his living room for some reason

— Mall Santa (in training) (@SortaBad) November 26, 2016

And of course a little politics around the fire.

republicans are so obsessed with coal because that’s all santa ever brings them ha ha oh man political AND seasonal how does she do it

— maddsing through the snow (@whatmaddness) December 7, 2017