What exactly do you get a mob boss for Father’s Day?
Just two dads getting ready for a doctor to look at our junk.
Parents who pick their nose…
My dad can find Waldo better than your dad.
This would be like if Muhammad Ali never punched anyone in the face.
We asked dad’s to write letters to their kid’s future selves. They might have gotten stuck in the present.
Sometimes you just gotta let it go.
I usually can’t stand other dads, but sometimes you find one you’ll go see Frozen on Broadway with.
A dad’s worst nightmare: your kid thinks your favorite pro wrestler is totally lame.
Been meaning to make this since 2010, but…
Christmas is here!
That means hacking down trees and dragging them inside your house, lying to your children about a home invader in a strange blouse, and tweets about what happens if a mall Santa sits on another mall Santa.
Here are some funny jokes you can read while hiding from your racist uncle with a bottle of port and phone charger in the bathroom…
Care for the older generation.
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 27, 2014
Taurus: It will be an “old fashioned Christmas” for you this year, with a teenager giving birth in your garage.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) December 7, 2017
Watching classic Christmas movies.
In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 22, 2014
Kids’ magical meetings with Santa
A mall Santa sits on another mall Santa's lap and the mall explodes
— Shawn (@online_shawn) December 7, 2015
The grace of a reindeer drawn sleigh.
Mrs. Claus: Shouldn't you have left by now?
Santa: [throwing couch cushions] WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 7, 2015
The wonder of the nativity.
Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 8, 2011
♬All of the other reindeer…♬
"Um wow okay"
-all of Santa's other reindeer
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 14, 2014
Family. Family. Family.
Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 12, 2012
Ritual and tradition.
"I don't trust Muslims, they have some funny beliefs and customs," he said while dragging a pine tree into his living room for some reason
— Mall Santa (in training) (@SortaBad) November 26, 2016
And of course a little politics around the fire.
republicans are so obsessed with coal because that’s all santa ever brings them ha ha oh man political AND seasonal how does she do it
— maddsing through the snow (@whatmaddness) December 7, 2017
Thanksgiving dinner– that wonderful meal when we gather around the table with friends and family to give thanks for our blessings and then force a complete amateur to demonstrate his knife skills while everyone openly judges. If you drew the short straw this year and are dreading carving your turkey, the best thing to do is keep calm and take inspiration from the coolest of all dudes- the dads of stock photos.
1. Go ahead, carve your turkey. There definitely isn’t someone standing outside your window watching you.
2. No pressure, but you should probably serve your wife first or she will kill you.
3. Remember to bring a knife, just in case carving a turkey with your mind doesn’t work.
4. Don’t worry, it’s only your child’s respect that hangs in the balance.
5. On second thought, forget about them, those kids stopped respecting you long ago.
6. If things start going south think back to that one Thanksgiving in college when everyone was just stoked there was turkey at all. “You guys, you guys, Tom made a fucking turkey! Turn up the Dave Matthews Band!”
7. Try not to think about how your wife can carve a turkey with a toddler on her hip.
8. To distract from poor knife skills, go for the huge laugh by asking everyone at the table, “Breast or Thigh?”
9. Buy a precut turkey breast to serve. Everyone knows whole cooked turkeys are just for staged photos and Instagram likes.
10. Finally, whatever you do…
DIRECTLY AT THE TURKEY.