Been meaning to make this since 2010, but…
Christmas is here!
That means hacking down trees and dragging them inside your house, lying to your children about a home invader in a strange blouse, and tweets about what happens if a mall Santa sits on another mall Santa.
Here are some funny jokes you can read while hiding from your racist uncle with a bottle of port and phone charger in the bathroom…
Care for the older generation.
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 27, 2014
Taurus: It will be an “old fashioned Christmas” for you this year, with a teenager giving birth in your garage.
— Sorrow-scopes (@Sorrowscopes) December 7, 2017
Watching classic Christmas movies.
In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh & fucks off like 20 miles east.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 22, 2014
Kids’ magical meetings with Santa
A mall Santa sits on another mall Santa's lap and the mall explodes
— Shawn (@online_shawn) December 7, 2015
The grace of a reindeer drawn sleigh.
Mrs. Claus: Shouldn't you have left by now?
Santa: [throwing couch cushions] WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) December 7, 2015
The wonder of the nativity.
Get into the Christmas spirit by remembering how cool Joseph was about an invisible guy impregnating his lady Mary.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 8, 2011
♬All of the other reindeer…♬
"Um wow okay"
-all of Santa's other reindeer
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 14, 2014
Family. Family. Family.
Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 12, 2012
Ritual and tradition.
"I don't trust Muslims, they have some funny beliefs and customs," he said while dragging a pine tree into his living room for some reason
— Mall Santa (in training) (@SortaBad) November 26, 2016
And of course a little politics around the fire.
republicans are so obsessed with coal because that’s all santa ever brings them ha ha oh man political AND seasonal how does she do it
— maddsing through the snow (@whatmaddness) December 7, 2017
Episode VIII is almost here and Star Wars nostalgia is in full swing. It’s fun to think back on all our favorite moments, but let’s be honest, there are plenty of less-than-amazing moments in the Star Wars saga. Downright cringeworthy moments. Let’s look back at some of the best/worst moments we love to hate.
1 Lame CGI additions to the original trilogy
The absurd moments Lucas added into the original trilogy are a sore spot for many Star Wars fans. A moment of silence for the extended CGI rendition of the Max Rebo Band performance at Jabba’s Palace, and how two minutes of our lives were stolen forever.
2 Dad-joke Vader choke in Rogue One
Entire theaters full of people rolled their eyes when Director Krennic was being force-choked and Vader delivered one of the worst space-dad jokes of all time.
Honestly, I don’t blame Vader. If I was a feared galactic super villain, it would be hard not to throw around corny jokes just to watch everyone squirm.
3 Qui-Gon: "There's always a bigger fish."
Even the light-side can’t help but spurt out lame-ass unnecessary jokes. Intended as comic relief, it’s more like comic pain. That’s some Jar Jar-level bullshit, Qui-Gon.
4 "Midi-Chlorians" are a thing? Apparently?
Midi-what? In Episode I, Qui-Gon tells Anakin about “intelligent microscopic life forms that live symbiotically inside the cells of all living things” that make up the Force.
Why is this the first time we’ve heard about a literal blood test for determining potential Jedi? And it’s never discussed again. Is this supposed to be common knowledge in the Star Wars universe? Too bad the blood test doesn’t also screen for space serial killers too…
5 Anakin doesn't like sand.
The most awkward scene ever, where beautiful Natalie Portman wistfully tells a guy about her memories of spending time on the beach and he responds with this:
Uhhh….Okay? Way to win her heart, Anakin.
6 "I have the high ground."
7 Anything Jar-Jar
Jar. Jar. Binks. Need we say more?
Here’s one you may not have heard of. In 1978 there was a Christmas musical (yep!) film called The Star Wars Holiday Special, and in it was the first ever appearance of Chewbacca’s son. His name: Lumpawaroo. But just as his dad went by “Chewy,” this kid went by “Lumpy.” And yes, this is official Star Wars canon.
9 "Are you an angel?"
Anakin is like, maybe 8 years old, tops, and he hits on a much older Padme, asking her if she’s an angel. (Because “angels are the most beautiful things in the universe.”) The only thing that makes a bad pick-up line worse is when it’s delivered by a small child.
10 The Luke/Leia kiss
Listen. None of us wanted to see this. Han Solo’s displeased face in this is all of us. Just, yuck. I still can’t watch this without wanting to wash my eyes out with soap.