Andrew Nadeau or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Andrew Nadeau

Andrew Nadeau is a writer and comedian living in Chicago. He is also a producer and host of Spitfire Comedy at the prestigious iO Theater. You can find him regularly making dad jokes on twitter at www.Twitter.com/TheAndrewNadeau

John Cena Donates $500k to Help Firefighters Battling California Wildfires

John Cena Donates $500k
(YouTube/WWE)

It’s surprisingly easy to fall in love with a character in a film. Someone good and kind, without the flaws of humanity that have to exist in the real world. Though there’s a uniquely warm and fuzzy feeling we get from finding out the actor behind one of those roles also has kindness to spare. John Cena seems to regularly prove himself to be one of those people.

Cena is well known for his charitable work. He recently pledged to match every dollar donated to Fit Ops through November 11th, up to $1 million.

Fit Ops is an organization helping veterans with training and job placement in the physical fitness industry, and can be donated to in the above link. He also holds the record for most wishes granted through the Make-A-Wish Foundation, a foundation fulfilling the dreams of children with terminal illnesses, which can also be donated to above. Cena has granted the wishes of over 500 children.

Unfortunately, there’s always another pressing issue and those in need of assistance. Thankfully there are also so many willing to help. As the California wildfires continued to burn, firemen and first responders fought on as well. Risking their lives from the infernos that destroyed over an estimated 250,000 acres in the 2019 blazes. Though there is a current reprieve, it’s a desperate situation, and those that will continue to battle it at the next flare need all the help they can get. In the midst of this challenge, John Cena spoke out.

In Cena’s latest film, Playing with Fire, he plays a fireman struggling to control 3 rowdy kids he and his team have rescued. On October 28th, National First Responders Day, he came to twitter with a request.

In the video, Cena states, “Right now California is in dire straits. It is burning, it is under siege from massive wildfires statewide. Which means our first responders are working around the clock, and they need our help.“ Paramount Pictures is the studio behind Playing with Fire, and Cena calls on them to help, with a simple request. He continues, “I want them to pick a charity. Pick a charity that aids our first responders as soon as possible. And on behalf of Playing with Fire, and out of respect to the people that I truly believe are heroes, my response will be to immediately donate half a million dollars to this cause.”

Paramount actually picked two charities. The first being LAFD Foundation, an organization that “Supports the LAFD in protecting life, property and the environment by providing essential equipment, training, and outreach programs.” This mission statement was taken from their website, where you can make a direct donation to help support them through the LA fire season.

The second charity selected by Paramount was the California Fire Foundation. An organization “Providing emotional and financial assistance to families of fallen firefighters, firefighters and the communities they protect.” This mission statement also taken from the California Fire Foundation’s site where you can again help with a donation.

Though Paramount didn’t just name them, they also agreed to match Cena’s $500,000 donation. The money will go to help fight the fires, and to support those working so hard to combat it. Though I know the money was so desperately needed, and will go far to make a difference, there’s always a small part of me that believes, if John Cena simply punched the fire, there’s no way it’d try it again.

John Cena isn’t the only celebrity looking to help these firefighters. You can read all about Matthew McConaughey helping to prepare 800 turkey dinners for firehouses combatting the blaze.

Irwin Family Opens Elephant Hospital Fulfilling One of Steve’s Dreams

Terri, Bindi and Robert Irwin with Elephant
(Twitter/BindiIrwin)

Steve Irwin accomplished more for wildlife education and conservation than most could in a dozen lifetimes. From his and wife Terri Irwin’s long-running edutainment series, “The Crocodile Hunter” to the founding of the “Steve Irwin Conservation Foundation” (now renamed as “Wildlife Warriors”), the number of animals saved and children taught to respect and value nature may well be immeasurable. In fact, his impact was so significant November 15 was internationally named as “Steve Irwin Day.”

Steve suffered a sudden and tragic death in 2006, when a stingray pierced his chest with a poisonous barb at Batt Reef in Queensland, Australia. However, his legacy was far from over. One of his greatest dreams was to open an elephant hospital, and his family, wife Terri and children, Bindi and Robert Irwin, were proud to carry the mantle.

Just as passionate about the protection of wildlife as their respective husband and father, they’ve continued his efforts in wildlife protection and worked tirelessly to achieve one of his grandest dreams. “We just — just — finished one of his greatest goals, which was to open an elephant hospital in Indonesia.”  Terri Irwin tells Buzzfeed News, “In Sumatra, when Elephants step on a landmine or they get caught in a snare there was no hospital to treat them, and we now have just opened an elephant hospital, so it’s pretty special.”

Terri and Steve worked together to grow what was once Steve’s parent’s wildlife park into the great Australia Zoo, now containing nearly 1,000 acres and over 1,000 animals. Australia Zoo staffer Luke Reavley, speaking on the Elephant Hospital, tells Buzzfeed News, “Steve Dreamed of opening an elephant hospital after witnessing first-hand the issues they were facing in the wild.” Australia Zoo, among other organizations, helped fund the Elephant Hospital, and their veterinary staff assisted with training the Indonesian team. They have also supplied staff to microchip elephants in order to better monitor their population, Reavely said.

Bindi Irwin tells Buzzfeed News, “I think for us as a family we always want to make sure that his legacy continues. Because Dad always said, ‘I don’t care if people remember me, I care if people remember my message.’” Though his family has always been happy to act in Steve’s name, their own contributions cannot be understated. Terri being a conservationist her whole life, even starting a rehabilitation center for injured predator mammals at just age 22. She and Steve raised their children with the same passion and care for wildlife they both shared. Thanks to the efforts of the entire Irwin family, it’s safe to say neither Steve, nor his message, will be soon forgotten.

If you need more wonderful stories about Steve Irwin and his family, Bindi Irwin shares a beautiful video of her father speaking on fatherhood.

101 of the Worst Puns to Make Your Family Cringe

101 Bad Dad Puns
(Getty/alvarez)

It’s an oft-quoted line that puns are the lowest form of wit. To that I say, I think we can go lower. We’ve put together a list of 101 of the absolute groaniest puns around. Next time your kid is embarrassed because you refused to drop them off a block away from school, these are what you shout from the window to make it worse.

1. A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage. He lost his case.

2. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? He was on a roll.

3. Did you hear about the man who tried to catch fog? He mist.

4. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it’s actually more of a wrap.

5. Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing.

6. Last week I called someone a watering hole, but I meant well.

7. Yeah, I steal brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.

8. The definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

9. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

10. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

11. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

12. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

13. Don’t interrupt someone working on a puzzle. You’ll hear some crosswords.

14. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? It had too many sleepless knights.

15. All these sea monster jokes are Kraken me up.

16. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

17. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.

18. What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A T-Wrecks.

19. What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.

20. What do you call an everyday potato? A commentator.

21. How do you put a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.

22. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

23. What did the volcano say to his wife? I lava you.

24. What do you call and owl that does magic? Hoodini.

25. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.

26. What do you call a classy salmon? Sofishticated.

27. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Gummybear.

28. How do you organize a space party? You planet.

29. What do you call and alligator in a vest? An investigator.

30. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A dino-snore.

31. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.

32. I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

33. I got fired as train engineer. They tallied up all my accidents, it was so hard to keep track.

34. Accidentally buried someone alive. It was a grave mistake.

35. I had to clean out all my spices. What a waste of thyme.

36. What do you call a laughing motorcycle? Yamahahaha.

37. A friend of mine annoyed me with bird puns. But toucan play at that game.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. I told my friend I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

40. What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? They’re always raisinet.

41. Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.

42. What did the librarian say when the books were a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

43. Why did the police go to a daycare center? A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

44. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

45. Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it.

46. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

47. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: He was on a roll.

48. I sent ten puns into a contest hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.

49. How much room should you give fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.

50. I cut my finger shredding cheese, but I think I may have grater problems.

51. How do trees get online? They just log in.

52. Why are dogs bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

53. Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

54. Why do hamburgers go to the gym? To get better buns.

55. What do you do when life gives you melons? See a doctor, you’re probably dyslexic.

56. It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall.

57. A Chinese restaurant got vandalized. It was an act of wonton destruction.

58. What do you call a dishonest noodle? An Impasta.

59. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

60. Where are average products made? The satisfactory.

61. Mummifying puns are so disheartening.

62. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

63. Why shouldn’t you mention the number 288? It’s two gross.

64. Why did the mathematician’s numeral keep ending up in the wrong place? It was Roman.

65. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

66. How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t. You get down from a goose.

67. Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he’s a keeper.

68. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

69. How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

70. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

71. Which is faster, heat or cold? Heat, you can catch cold.

72. I gave a valuable comb to a bald friend. He’ll never part with it.

73. Why couldn’t the circus replace their human cannonball? They couldn’t find another man of his caliber.

74. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired.

75. What did the ill comic say in the hospital? I’m here … all weak.

76. I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re watchdogs.

77. Advanced math is easy as pi.

78. Why does coffee hate mornings? It keeps getting mugged.

79. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

80. What did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, he just let out a little whine.

81. Life as an elevator repairman has its ups and downs.

82. Learning to sleep upside down is hard for bats, but they get the hang of it.

83. Waking up is an eye-opening experience.

84. I used to be a banker, until I lost interest.

85. Why couldn’t the coffee go out? It was grounded.

86. No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

87. When I get undressed in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

88. Why are teddy bears never hungry? They’re always stuffed.

89. I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

90. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

91. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

92. I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomial.

93. Where do robots go for fun? The circuits.

94. I accidentally ate food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

95. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

96. To solve claustrophobia you have to think outside the box.

97. What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.

98. Only small babies are delivered by stork, the big ones need a crane.

99. If you ever feel cold just stand in a corner. They’re usually around 90 degrees.

100. I just heard they won’t be making rulers any longer.

101. By shear coincidence, all these sheep look the same.

Check out our list of the 101 best puns in the world.

Can’t get enough of corny dad jokes? How about 101 knock-knock jokes to help you along!

101 of the Best Puns in the World

(Getty/Annie Otzen)

Puns are at the heart of every good dad joke. And, not coincidentally, every terrible dad joke. Which perhaps makes them even more impressive. What else could get you so much mileage towards both entertaining, and embarrassing, your children? As always, The Dad is here to assist in this grand endeavor! We’ve compiled a list of 101 of the best puns out there, ready to be released whenever your kids need a laugh. Or just when you do.

1. I saw an ad for burial plots, but that’s the last thing I need.

2. Did you hear about the silk worm race? It ended in a tie.

3. I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off.

4. Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Well, the flag is a big plus.

5. Clones are people two.

6. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

7. Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.

8. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbor is dead against it.

9. What are windmills’ favorite genre of music? They’re big metal fans.

10. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

11. Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.

12. My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.

13. I love whiteboards. They’re re-markable.

14. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? AIreland. Every day it’s Dublin.

15. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working. It doesn’t make any cents.

16. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

17. I went to a new mechanic. They came highly wreck-a-mended.

18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

19. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

20. Why can’t you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

21. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

22. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? They’re both cauld ron.

23. An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.

24. What’s the best time on a clock? 6:30, hands down.

25. Please don’t make my funeral too early. I’m not really a mourning person.

26. I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

27. Why did the lizard say he named his baby “Tiny?” Because he’s my newt.

28. Someone stole the police station’s toilets. They have nothing to go on.

29. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

30. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

31. What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.

32. I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.

33. I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.

34. I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.

35. I’m afraid of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

37. Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

38. I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business.

39. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

40. RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

41. Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

42. Just found out sticks float. They would.

43. My boat was cold, I tried to make a fire but it sank. I guess you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

44. I went to that new restaurant, Karma. There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.

45. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.

46. You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

47. I met a criminal with a bounty on his head. That was a weird place to keep paper towels.

48. A psychic tried to sell me information on my past lives. I hate used karma dealers.

49. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

50. I met my wife on a dating site. We just clicked.

51. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

52. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.

53. My roommates suspect I’m stealing their kitchen utensils. But that’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

54. I’m going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. Why knot?

55. I decided to get rid of my spine. It was holding me back.

56. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

57. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.

58. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

59. Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

60. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

61. Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

62. What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

63. I recently took a pole and found out 100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed.

64. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to me.

65. A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

66. I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

67. Santa Claus’s elves are subordinate clauses.

68. I’m designing a reversible jacket. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

69. A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.

70. To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!

71. There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.

72. I tried to draw a circle, but it was pointless.

73. Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.

74. There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.

75. Velcro… what a rip-off.

76. I gave away my dead batteries, no charge.

77. One-fifth of people are just too tense.

78. After the birth of your child, your role in life will become apparent.

79. A backwards poet writes inverse.

80. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

81. My kid swallowed some coins, the doctor told me to just wait. No change yet.

82. My friend’s bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.

83. You should wear glasses while doing math. It improves division.

84. I’m glad I learned sign language. It’s really handy.

85. Bad gardeners are rough around the hedges.

86. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

87. This girl thought she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.

88. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

89. Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He’s all right now.

90. I make apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.

91. A cartoonist was found dead. Details are sketchy.

92. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster. It just got more sluggish.

93. Life as a professional yo-yoer has its ups and downs.

94. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

95. My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn’t 1 2.

96. I failed my Braille class. It’s a touchy subject.

97. I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

98. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

99. My leaf blower doesn’t work, it just sucks.

100. Need an ark? I Noah guy.

101. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

While you’re here you might as well check our list of the 101 worst puns too.

When you’ve finally had enough of jokes for dads, how about checking out these fantastic funny quotes written by some?

101 of the Best (& Worst) Knock-Knock Jokes For Kids

101 Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids
(Getty/ ncognet0)

Knock-knock jokes have been around since the first dad noticed the first door. There are just 3 rules, and they’re very simple:

1: You have to say knock-knock.
2: The person at the door is not who you expect.
3: You have to start telling your kids these jokes when they find it to be the most hilarious thing in the world and then continue telling them even when they’re an annoyed teenager and roll their eyes every time you do it.

It’s a time-honored tradition, and we’ve compiled 101 of the best (and worst) knock-knock jokes out there. With our help, you’ll have enough material to embarrass them right through college!

1. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Major.
Major who?
Major day with this joke haven’t I?

2. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.

3. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.

4. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
FBI.
FBI w-
We’re asking the questions here.

5. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Leon.
Leon who?
♫Leon me, when you’re not strong.♫

6. Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Co—
You should say, “Control freak who” now

7. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alien.
Alien who?
How many aliens do you know?

8. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ho-ho.
Ho-ho who?
Your Santa impression needs work.

9. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
They do but I still need to come in.

10. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting c—
Moooo!

11. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who, want who three four!

12. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Water.
Water Who?
Water you waiting for? Answer the door!

13. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go “Moo.”

14. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nun.
Nun who?
Nun of your business!

15. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wooden shoe.
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know!

16. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood, thought I’d drop by.

17. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kenya.
Kenya who?
Kenya let me in already?

18. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking all morning, let me in!

19. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sacha.
Sacha who?
Sacha lot of questions!

20. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Art.
Art who?
R2-D2!

21. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Les.
Les who?
Les go out!

22. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it’s broken!

23. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hike.
Hike who?
No it’s a joke not a poem.

24. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita get inside!

25. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Egg.
Egg who?
Eggstremely disappointed you don’t recognize me

26. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sherwood.
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like you to open the door!

27. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow, I’m glad you’re excited to see me!

28. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Alex-plain when you open the door!

29. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
It’s pronounced kangaroo, actually.

30. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard I know?

31. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome, but all I did was knock!

32. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iran.
Iran who?
Iran all the way over to see you!

33. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference, open the door!

34. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah way I can get in?

35. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess open the door!

36. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gorilla.
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger, I brought buns!

37. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sarah.
Sarah who?
Sa-rah phone I could use?

38. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place!

39. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock, knock.

40. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the peephole and see!

41. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use, I forgot my name again.

42. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!

43. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked.

44. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Oscar.
Oscar who?
Oscar silly question, get a silly answer!

45. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cry, it’s only a joke.

46. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda fix your sink.

47. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ida.
Ida who?
It’s actually pronounced Idaho.

48. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Passion.
Passion who?
Passion by and thought I’d pop in!

49. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Gesundheit!

50. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Suspense.
Suspense who?


It’s just me.

51. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Stopwatch.
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatcha doing and open the door!

52. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to do this every time?

53. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cereal.
Cereal who?
Ce-real pleasure to see you!

54. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Leena.
Leena who?
Leena little closer and I’ll tell you.

55. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore’s still closed, open up!

56. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Thermos.
Thermos who?
Thermos be a better way to get in.

57. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ray.
Ray who?
Ray-member me?

58. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Me.
Me who?
Don’t you know who you are?

59. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don’t open the door?

60. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Conrad.
Conrad who?
Conradulations, this was a good knock-knock joke!

61. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Russell.
Russell who?
Russell up some food, I’m hungry!

62. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Amish.
Amish who?
Aw, I miss you too!

63. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Broken pencil.
Broken pencil who?
Never mind, there’s no point.

64. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Riot.
Riot who?
Riot on time, here I am!

65. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe let me in or not?

66. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mango.
Mango who?
Mango to the door and just answer it!

67. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Will.
Will who?
Will you let me in already?

68. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
Iva sore hand from knocking so long!

69. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Razor.
Razor who?
Razor hands, it’s the police!

70. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
It’s “to whom,” actually.

71. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno how long I’ve been out here?

72. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?

73. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Sherlock.
Sherlock who?
Sherlock your door tight, don’t you?

74. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use asking, just open up and look!

75. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t work, open the door!

76. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you, gimme the money!

77. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Sorry, I thought this was my friend’s house, didn’t know an owl lived here.

78. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Owl.
Owl who?
Owl be sad if you don’t let me in!

79. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door!

80. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don’t let me in!

81. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help getting in!

82. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up, it’s cold out!

83. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nobel.
Nobel who?
Nobel out here, that’s why I knocked.

84. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen all this knocking bother you?

85. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
No, cargo “beep beep.”

86. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you sick of these knock-knock jokes yet?

87. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you inside, open up!

88. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
I thought I mustache you a question. But I can shave it for tomorrow!

89. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Emma.
Emma who?
Emma bit cold, can you let me in?

90. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!

91. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wire.
Wire who?
Wire you asking me?

92. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are, asking so many questions?

93. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice door open or not?

94. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, that’s why we’re knocking!

95. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Eye nose.
Eye nose who?
Eye nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!

96. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I’m allergic to nuts.

97. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.

98. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Says.
Says who?
Says me, that’s who!

99. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting sloth.
Interrupting sloth who?



Slooooooth

100. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock, knock.

101. Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Haven.
Haven who?
Haven you heard enough of these knock-knock jokes yet?

If you like these you’ll love our lists of the 101 best and worst dad jokes.

75 Heartwarming Quotes About Dads and Being a Father

75 Heartwarming Quotes about Dads and Being a Father
(Getty/Ray Tamarra)

For a universally understood amalgam of emotions, the complexity of fatherhood is incredibly hard to put into words. What we can say is it’s some combination of love, fear, hope, and just absolutely trying to do your best without having any idea if what you’re doing is right. Thankfully there are many others who have had beautiful things to say. We’ve compiled a list of 75 of these quotes that we think are both incredibly relatable, and a bit inspiring. It’s nice to be reminded that, for feelings so ineffable, all fathers know it, and we’re in it together.

1. “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the grass.’ ‘We’re not raising grass,’ Dad would reply. ‘We’re raising boys.’” -Harmon Killebrew

2. “My dad was here one minute and now he’s gone. You realize… that’s it. All of the things you work hard for and stress about, you don’t take them with you. Then, when you see your child for the first time, you’re like… ‘WOW,” and you realize that it’s a cycle.” -Idris Elba

3. “The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them. They don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.” -Jim Henson

4. “Anyone who does anything to help a child in his life is a hero.” -Fred Rogers

5. “Success, and even life itself, wouldn’t be worth anything if I didn’t have my children by my side. They mean everything to me.” -Jude Law

6. My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.” -Jim Valvano

7. “Of all the titles I’ve been privileged to have, Dad has always been the best.” -Ken Norton

8.  “It doesn’t matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.” -Michael Ratnadeepak

9. “I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.” -Umberto Eco

10. “Throughout the years, throughout the ups and downs, I’ve realized that the most important thing that I could do with my daughter is lead a life with love. Not success, not fame, not anything else but ‘I’m always here for you. I love you.’” -Dwayne Johnson

11. “Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.” -Mike Myers

12. “I thought I would be more inspired to have all these new feelings to talk about, but I really just want to hang out with my daughter.” -Jay-Z

13. “What I learned most from my father wasn’t anything he said; it was just the way he behaved.” -Jeff Bridges

14. “When one has not had a good father, one must create one.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

15. “I’ve done all kinds of cool things as an actor, but none of it means anything compared to being somebody’s daddy. I made promises in that moment about what kind of dad I wanted to be and I just prayed that he’d live long enough that I could keep that.” -Chris Pratt

16. “When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they’re crazy, because ‘sacrifice’ infers that there was something better to do than being with your children. Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing. It’s a privilege. It’s not something I call a sacrifice.” -Chris Rock

17. “My girls turned out great. And the way that my parents raised me and my brothers was different but it also worked. I think it’s like a relay race. You run and you hand over the baton and your kids pick it up. They take the stuff they want, throw the rest away and keep running. That’s what life is about.” -Billy Crystal

18. “I mean, I look at my dad. He was 20 when he started having a family, and he was always the coolest dad. He did everything for his kids, and he never made us feel like he was pressured. I know that it must be a great feeling to be a guy like that.” -Adam Sandler

19. “The idea really triggered something inside me about protection and parenting. And I just thought maybe I could make it a metaphor for parenthood: The fact that no matter what, there will come a time when you don’t have control over what your kids do, what they say, what they think. And you just hope that the preparation was enough to get them through and they survive.” -John Krasinski 

20. “When my father passed, I was still an unsuccessful cook with a drug problem. I was in my mid-thirties, standing behind an oyster bar, cracking clams for a living when he died. So, he never saw me complete a book or achieve anything of note. I would have liked to have shared this with him.” -Anthony Bourdain

21. “I have a stepson, five biological children, grandchildren, and a couple of great-grandchildren. And the treasure of all this: I still get a little jump every time I hear ‘Dad.’” -Larry King

22. “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” -Frederick Douglass

23. “My father used to say that it’s never too late to do anything you wanted to do. And he said, ‘You never know what you can accomplish until you try.’” -Michael Jordan

24. “They joy of fatherhood also comes with moments of chaos, crying, tears, trips to doctors, etc. It is important to breathe. Take a deep breath in these moments of chaos. More than anything, cherish each moment.” -Zack Bush

25. “I have a daughter who’s going to be raised in this world, and my music and my art are powerful tools in getting that to be formed the way I want it to.” -Chance the Rapper

26. “You don’t raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they’ll turn out to be heroes. Even if it’s just in your own eyes.” -Walter M. Schirra Sr.

27. “Words have an awesome impact. The impression made by a father’s voice can set in motion an entire trend of life.” -Gordon MacDonald

28. “For unflagging interest and enjoyment, a household of children, if things go reasonably well, certainly makes all other forms of success and achievement lose their importance by comparison.” -Theodore Roosevelt

29. “I think [fatherhood] changes your relationship with time. I just don’t have time to waste. You gotta be really deliberate with how you choose to spend your day, because those are the moments you’re away from your child.” -Mahershala Ali

30. “Love isn’t enough despite what every sappy love song says; commitment to parenting was the missing piece. Commitment takes love on its back and carries it the whole way. When I’m committed to you, I learn to tell you no — not to hurt you but to help you grow and learn.” -Terry Crews

31. “You know everything you need to know about parenting in your tummy. When your alarm goes off, listen to it. Your instinct. You can double-think yourself, but your instinct is always right. Being a parent, without a doubt, is the most difficult job on the face of the planet. Period.” -Henry Winkler

32. “Kids put life into perspective. Life happens and you get bad news sometimes, or thing don’t go your way at work—for me that might mean I lose a game or not play well—but that doesn’t affect my mood from day to day. I love going home and seeing the smiles my daughters’ faces being happy to see me, and that makes everything all right.” -Steph Curry

33. “My dad taught me about the true value of hard work. He taught me about the importance of honoring commitments and pursuing your passions with a sense of tenacity. I’ve worked really hard to make these values a part of my daily life not just for me, but for [my] kids. Because I really believe it’s less about what you do and more so how you do it that defines your character.” -Chip Gaines

34. “My mother’s dad dropped out of the eight grade to work. He had to. By the time he was 30, he was a master plumber, carpenter, mason, mechanic. That guy was, to me, a magician. Anything that was broken he could fix. Anybody anywhere in our community knew that if there was a problem, Carl was there to fix it.” -Mike Rowe

35. “All you can do is hope, at the end of the road, that you’ve given your kids enough life lessons [so when] it’s time for them to live their life, they can flourish on their own because they’re going to have to make their own path as well. Even though we’ve set them up in the best way possible. And the same thing with being a husband. When you know you’re committed, everything else takes care of itself.” -LeBron James

36. “Our society has taught us that moms are supposed to do this type of stuff, but dads have a responsibility to take part in everything their kids do. I’m a hands-on dad. My kids are older now but they can come to me no matter what.” -Danny Trejo

37. “I used to be embarrassed because I was just a comic book writer while other people were building bridges or going on to medical careers. And then I began to realize: entertainment is one of the most important things in people’s lives. Without it they might go off the deep end. I feel that if you’re able to entertain people, you’re doing a good thing.” -Stan Lee

38. “Never is a man more of a man than when he is the father of a newborn.” -Matthew McConaughey

39. “I think it should be cool to be a good partner, a good spouse, a good father… If I’m one of the people who helps make that cooler, I think that’s great.” -John Legend

40. “Number one thing as a parent: Continuity and consistency. I try to get all my work stuff done when I don’t have the baby, because when I have the baby, everyone else can f*** off.” -Jeremy Renner

41. “I’ve been a parent for three weeks: What do I know? I don’t know anything, but it’s kind of part of the beauty of it, honestly. There are a lot of instincts, a lot of things that kind of kick in and switch on. It’s a beautiful experience.” -Adam Levine

42. “I think that my strong determination for justices comes from the very strong, dynamic personality of my father… I have rarely ever met a person more dearly and courageous… If I had a problem I could always call Daddy.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

43. “The best way of training the young is to train yourself at the same time. Not to admonish them, but to be seen never doing that of which you would admonish them.” -Plato

44. “My father didn’t tell me how to live. He lived and let me watch him do it.” -Clarence Budington Kelland

45. “One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” -Howard W. Hunter

46. “‘Father is the noblest title a man can be given. It is more than a biological role. It signifies a patriarch, a leader, an exemplar, a confidant, a teacher, a hero, a friend.” -Robert L. Backman

47. “The hardest part of raising a child is teaching them to ride bicycles. A shaky child on a bicycle for the first time needs both support and freedom. The realization that this is what the child will always need can hit hard.” -Sloan Wilson

48. “Children will not remember you for the material things you gave them but for the feeling that you cherished them.” -Richard L. Evans

49. “Whenever someone was suffering, my dad was there. If he didn’t have Money, it was a smile or an embrace or whatever he had to help. That was around me my whole life.” -Richard Gere

50. “My dad and I were so close. He was my man. He taught me to be a man of my word — that giving my word is like I’ve signed a contract with you.” -Smokey Robinson

51. “Children learn to smile from their parents.” -Shinichi Suzuki

52. “If there is any immortality to be had among us human beings, it is certainly only in the love that we leave behind. Fathers like mine don’t ever die.” -Leo Buscaglia

53. “It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.” -Pope John XXIII

54. “I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” -Sigmund Freud

55. “It’s the most profound gift and the most daunting challenge.” -Matt Bomer

56. “My father didn’t do anything unusual. He only did what dads are supposed to do: be there.” -Max Lucado

57. “I don’t have to prepare to be wrapped around my daughter’s finger. I have been wrapped around her little finger since the day she plopped out into this world.” -Ryan Reynolds

58. “I have found the very best way to advise your children is to find out what they want to do and advise them to do it.” -Harry S. Truman

59. “I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.” -Mario Cuomo

60. [Fatherhood is] the greatest thing that could ever happen. You can’t explain it until it happens; it’s like telling somebody what water feels like before they’ve ever swam in it.” -Michael Bublé

61. “A father is a man who expects his children to be as good as he meant to be.” -Frank A. Clark

62. “When you meet your kids you realize that they deserve great parents. And then you have your marching orders, and you have to try and become the person they deserve.” -Ryan Gosling

63. “Daddies don’t just love their children every now and then, it’s a love without end.” -George Strait

64: “The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.” -John Green

65. “If the past cannot teach the present, and the father cannot teach the son, then history need not have bothered to go on, and the world has wasted a great deal of time.” -Russel Hoban

66. “Life doesn’t come with an instruction book — that’s why we have fathers.” -H. Jackson Browne

67. “Fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.” -Frank Pittman

68: “I feel like the success of parenthood is feeling like I failed all day today, but I get to wake up tomorrow and do it again. And hopefully they turn out to be a good human being.” -Justin Timberlake

69. “Every parent is at some point the father of the unreturned prodigal, with nothing to do but keep his house open to hope.” -John Ciardi

70. “The strongest, toughest men all have compassion. They’re not heartless and cold. You have to be man enough to have compassion — to care about people and about your children.” -Denzel Washington

71. “Any fool can have a child. That doesn’t make you a father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father.” -Barack Obama

72. “I feel that the greatest gift I can give my children is the freedom to be who they are.” -Will Smith

73. “I’ve gotten to jump out of helicopters and do daring stunts and play baseball in a professional stadium, but none of them mean anything compared to being somebody’s daddy.” -Chris Pratt

74. “When I looked at you first I saw not your mother and me, but your two grandfathers… and, as my father, whom I loved a great deal, had died the year before, I was moved to see that here, in you, he was alive.” -Peter Carey

75. “I want to experience being a husband, experience being a father, experience, maybe, hopefully, someday being a grandfather, and all those things. I want that experience. When I die, I want to be exhausted.” -Bryan Cranston

Be sure to check out our other list of hilarious quotes about dads and being a father.

Grandma Curbs Speeding with a Hairdryer, Becomes Honorary Trooper

Patti Baumgartner with Hair Dryer
(Twitter/timmyb48/TrooperPesola)

We’ve all had moments where we dreamt of being vigilantes, taking the law into our own hands to protect the innocent. This grandmother actually did it. Though much more responsibly than other supposed heroes of the big-screen blockbusters.

Patti Baumgartner lives in Polson, Montana, a mostly quiet town with a population of just over 5,000. But Baumgartner grew concerned with how drivers sped through her neighborhood, which she felt put her grandchildren at risk. Unwilling to sit idly by, she decided to do something about it. When her son posted a picture of her unique solution to Twitter it quickly garnered attention.

So Baumgartner sits by the road, hairdryer in hand, hoping the resemblance to a radar gun will be enough to deter would-be speeders. “They forget to slow down and there’s a lot of people that are complaining they can’t walk or ride their bikes. I wouldn’t even attempt riding a bike around.” Baumgartner tells MTN News. “We were talking about maybe something would slow the cars down. So we decided put me in a chair and I guess use the hairdryer as a speed thing.”

In his tweet, Baumgartner’s son tagged Montana Highway Patrol trooper Noah Pesola. Unlike the typical rocky relationship between citizen crime fighter and police, Trooper Pesola loved what Baumgartner was doing. “I thought it was hilarious, I think that we have a speed issue in Montana and I thought it was a great creative idea for the public to try and combat that a little bit without making people too upset.” Pesola tells MTN  News. In fact, he was so appreciative he gave Baumgartner a title of her own. “It’s not an official, or anything like that, for the honorary trooper. [It] was just kind of what I called it. I didn’t know what else to do for her, when she’s doing something for her community, and like she says she’s got grandkids in the area when she’s doing something for her grandkids’ benefit. The best thing I could think of was give her a trooper hat and a badge to make her look a little more official.”

Trooper Pesola even tweeted out a photo of his own, sharing his meeting with Baumgartner, where he helped supply her with a slightly more official look. Though we don’t know if the hairdryer is actually making a difference, Baumgartner tells MTN she plans to continue taking it out, in the hopes of keeping her neighborhood, and grandkids, a little safer.

If you like stories of grandmothers and cops, this 93-year-old getting arrested for her bucket list is a can’t miss!

75 Hilarious Quotes About Dads and Being a Father

75 Hilarious Quotes About Dads and Being a Father
(Getty/Barry Brecheisen/Stringer)

All fathers have stories about something funny, absurd or absolutely insane their kids have done. It’s nice to have the occasional reminder that we’re not alone in this. All of the things so crazy you think no one else could possibly be dealing with, we’re ALL facing! So we’ve compiled a collection of funny thoughts and stories from some of our favorite famous dads.

1. “I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” -Andy Richter

2. “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” -Jim Gaffigan

3. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” -Steve Martin

4. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” -Ray Romano

5. “In the ‘looks of disappointment’ department, my cat has picked up where my father left off.” -Tom Papa

6. “I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy. Even Johnny Depp’s kid must be like, “Oh my god, my dad with those freakin’ scarves. This isn’t a pirate ship; it’s a Costco, dad.” -Judd Apatow

7. “I have a friend who has no kids but he has tattoos, and he talks about them like they are his kids. He says things like, ‘This is my oldest—it’s my favorite. This one was a result of a long night of drinking. This one came out darker than I expected.’ And so on.” -Keith Alberstadt

8. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” -Bob Odenkirk

9. “You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.” -Robin Williams

10. “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.” -Ryan Reynolds

11. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let dad sleep.’” -Jim Gaffigan

12. “My daughter said, ‘Why are you yelling at us?’ and I said, ‘I’m trying to discipline you!’ And then she looked up at me with her tear-stained eyes and said, ‘This is how you teach children, by making them cry.’ And it was such a clenching reminder — she won not only the argument, but she won life with that statement. I just burst out laughing, and I think they were so surprised that I burst out laughing, that they did too.” -Stephen Colbert

13. “We see a McDonald’s. We got so excited. We started chanting, ‘McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s!’ And my dad pulled into the drive thru and we started cheering. And then, he ordered one black coffee for himself… and kept driving. My dad is cold-blooded.” -John Mulaney

14. “When I was eight years old, I was called into the principal’s office and my father was looking very solemn. And he said, ‘We gotta go, it’s Grandma.’ We got in the car and I said, ‘What’s wrong with Grandma?’ And he said, ‘Nothing, we’re going to the movies.’” -Sam Rockwell

15. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” -Jerry Seinfeld

16. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” -Mark Twain

17. “How come my 3-year-old son can remember every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my own phone number?” -Taye Diggs

18. “When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry.” -Kevin Hart

19. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.” -Dax Shephard

20. “I was told that I needed to check her temperature through the rectum. I was like, ‘No. Can’t be.’ There’s a mouth, there’s an armpit, there’s got to be something [else] … The doctor was like, ‘No, no, no, just have one of you guys distract her, and the other one do it. She’ll be fine’ … It all went well though. I didn’t lose it. It came back out.” -Ryan Reynolds

21. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” -Spike Milligan

22. “The more boring a child is, the more the parents, when showing off the child, receive adulation for being good parents — because they have a tame child-creature in their house.” –Frank Zappa

23. “Kids are hilarious. They say the darndest things, but that’s just because they don’t know what they’re saying and that just makes much more funniness happen.” -Kenan Thompson

24. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” -Rodney Dangerfield

25. “The worst part about being a parents is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.” -Rob Delaney

26. “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” -Tim McGraw

27. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At 2 years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane, it’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’” -Ryan Reynolds

28. “Everybody thinks their dad’s jokes are corny.  I don’t get a free pass on that. In fact, [my daughter] said to me once, ‘Most of your stuff isn’t funny at all. But I’m always surprised you make it work.’ I thought that was a pretty sophisticated way of attacking me.” -Judd Apatow

29. “For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.” -Will Ferrell

30. “I feel like you don’t realize what it means to be a parent until you become a parent of your own. Then you feel this tremendous guilt and have this urge to apologize to your father. You just don’t realize what you’re doing to your parents in every aspect of life.” -Max Greenfield

31. “My daughter is going to be forced to go out into the ruins and be a slave to Thundra, The Spear Mistress and she’ll resent me the whole time. She’ll be like, ‘Oh, thanks a lot, Dad. What amazing life safety skills you taught me: Scooter riding and Blade Runner trivia? Thanks.’” -Patton Oswalt

32. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” -Mark Ruffalo

33. “When your wife is pregnant and you’re expecting, everyone is like, ‘It’s incredible. Get ready, it’s magic. It’s the most life-changing experience you’ll ever have. Brace yourself for heaven.’ And then the second the baby comes everyone is like, ‘WELCOME TO HELL.’” -Andy Samberg

34. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” -Tim Russert

35. “A 2-year-old is like having a blender, but you don’t have the top for it.” -Jerry Seinfeld

36. “When humans started to call me ‘Dad.’ That’s the word that gets me. Because you’re famous to a billion people, but only three people call you ‘Dad.’” -Dana Carvey

37. “I mean, everything can be a great moment as a dad, especially when I’m gone as much as I am. I work a lot so, man, those weekends at home with [my son] are the greatest. I took him on a zombie cruise last year which was fun. And all he wanted to do was get zombie makeup put on. And so he he looked in the mirror at the reflection and he fainted! We probably won’t do realistic zombie makeup again for a little while, but it was a heck of an experience and we still giggle about it.” -Jeffrey Dean Morgan

38. “It’s a very LSD-trip phase of my life. My daughter is obsessed with Peppa Pig. This is my life. There’s three women who voice the character of Peppa Pig. And she’s a pig. Hello? And I’m so deep down into that crevasse right now that I have opinions on which actress is the best Peppa.” -Alec Baldwin

39. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, ‘he’s got four teeth,’ like they care.” -Seth Meyers

40. “Kids are creepy. What happens if I wake up in the middle of the night, look over and my child is standing in the doorway? Do I run? Which direction do I run? Towards it? Away from it?” -Jordan Peele

41. “If anyone else [deprived you of this much sleep], you’d have them up at The Hague for war crimes.” -Tom Hardy

42. “I thought I’d never be that annoying person [who shares pictures of his kids], but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.” -Jimmy Fallon

43. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” -Neil Patrick Harris

44. “My daughter, Hannah, my 7-year-old, lost her first tooth and the tooth fairy came. And then the next day we were taking a video, ‘Hey Hannah, the tooth fairy came, oh my gosh,’ and our 4-year-old—I panned down to her, ‘Hey Harper, the tooth fairy came!’ And she goes, ‘Someone was in our house?’ And I go, ‘The tooth fairy was in our house,’ and she’s like, ‘Someone was in my room? While I was sleeping? And you guys are cool with this.’” -Bill Hader

45. “He’s looking for danger at all times. We’re just trying to keep him alive.” -Jason Sudeikis

46. “There’s no real class. They don’t check to make sure you’re prepared. I had to go through more training to drive the car home [from the hospital] than I did to have a baby for the rest of my life.” -Colin Hanks

47. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” -Red Buttons

48. “He tells me to park around the corner, and then he gets out and he walks to school. So he did it to me the other day, after doing it about five times on the trot. So I’m driving around, and he’s just walking in his school, and I open the window said, ‘Brooklyn! I love you!’ And, you know, obviously it didn’t go down very well.” -David Beckham

49. “The doctor asked about a name and I don’t know why I said it [but] I looked at the doctor and I said, ‘We’re going to call her Beyoncé.’ My wife did not think that was funny. Then a nurse went to the other side of the room and started filling out a form with the name Beyoncé and I had to go over to her and go, ‘Uh, excuse me, there is only one Beyoncé.’” -James Cordon

50. “Everybody usually wants to be famous so they can rock nice jewelry and all that. Man, I already got a macaroni necklace. I got valuable shit.” -Dave Chappell

51. “12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” -Lin-Manuel Miranda

52. “Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.” -Ken Jennings

53. “I do like a proper hug and snuggle but it’s tough getting it from the kids. You can get it when they first wake up and they’re disoriented; then it’s a possibility. But other than that, they’re always moving, they’re dipping, they’re slipping, they’re embarrassed, and running away.” -Mark Wahlberg

54. “My wife and I don’t understand couples where the woman is pregnant and they don’t want to know the sex of the baby. ‘Oh, we want it to be a surprise.’ It’s a surprise when they show you the ultrasound! I mean you have caller ID but don’t want to know what’s popping out of your vagina?” -Andrew Ginsburg

55. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” -Ed Asner

56. “Men should always change diapers. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” -Chris Martin

57. “I would define the new aspects of fatherhood like this: It is 75% amazing and 25% demoralizing. I think any new parent can understand exactly what I’m talking about.” -Daniel Bryan

58. “My daddy? He was somewhere between God and John Wayne.” -Hank Williams, Jr.

59. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost

60. “You can’t spell ‘parentry’ without ‘try.’ Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. The important thing is that the mistakes you make with your kids are the same ones your parents made with you. At least you know how those turn out.” -Stephen Colbert

61. “Being a parent involves an unnecessary amount of fake enthusiasm around little kids’ poo being in a toilet.” -Jim Gaffigan

62. “A baby crying is a weird thing. During the daytime you can listen to it and think that it’s endearing and cute. At 3 a.m. it’s like having the inside of your skull sandpapered by an angry viking.” -Matt Coyne

63. “A child enters your home and for the next twenty years makes so much noise you can hardly stand it. The child departs, leaving the house so silent you think you are going mad.” -John Andrew Holmes

64. “A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.” -Frank A. Clark

65. “I used to say to [Blake], ‘I would take a bullet for you.’ And the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.” -Ryan Reynolds

66. “When you’re young you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” -Dave Attell

67. “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” -Jack Handey

68. “I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father. Especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.” -Eugene Mirman

69. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, “If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.” -Jerry Lewis

70. “My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.” -Harry Hill

71. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’” -Jim Gaffigan

72. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” -Greg Kinnear

73. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” -Jon Stewart

74. “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” -Conan O’Brien

75. “My dad always tries to get me to fix his computer when I’m home. He’s like, ‘You’re really good at computers, you should be a computer programmer.’ I’m like, ‘You’re so bad at computers, you should be a caveman.’” -Mike Birbiglia

Be sure to check out our other list of heartwarming quotes about dads and being a father.

The Worst 101 Dad Jokes That Will Make Your Kids Cringe

101 Worst Dad Jokes to Make Your Kids Cringe
(Getty/Radius Images)

There are so many unique perks to being a dad, but there’s one unlike any other: Bad jokes magically become good! At least in our own minds. But if it’s a delusion, it’s a delusion no one can take from us. Here’s a list of the 101 Corniest Dad Jokes out there. Share them with your kids! Whether it’s raucous laughter from your toddler or a pained eye roll from your teenager, it’s missions accomplished for us!

1. When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

2. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs.

3. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

4. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.

5. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.

6. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

7. What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

8. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.

9. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.

10. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

11. Why did the pirate walk the plank?
His dog was back on land.

12. I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.

13. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

14. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

15. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

16. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

17. What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.

18. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

19. What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y!

20. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.

21. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

22. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

23. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!

24. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

25. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.

26. What sound does a witches car make?
Broom Broom.

27. Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.

28. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

29. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.

30. I try to avoid eating anchovies.
It’s a little fishy.

31. Why can’t you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.

32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

33. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

34. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.

35. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

36. What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

37. Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

40. What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
“1forrest1”

41. How do trees access the internet?
They log in.

42. What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

43. 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

44. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

45. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.

46. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

47. What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milkshake.

48. Why do the French never order 2 eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.

49. What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!

50. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

51. Why couldn’t the mail person delivery any envelopes?
They were stationary.

52. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

53. I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny.

54. What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?
Frost bite.

55. How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.

56. Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.

57. I tried to catch some fog.
But I mist.

58. Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes?
To IHOP.

59. I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.

60. Which day do chickens hate the most?
Friday.

61. What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!

62. The rotation of earth really makes my day.

63. What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

64. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

65. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

66. The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

67. What’s the king of all school supplies?
The ruler.

68. Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.

69. Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.

70. Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.

71. What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!

72. What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
The CIEIO.

73. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.

74. Why does the clock break when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

75. Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.

76. Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.

77. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

78. What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get?
The No-bell prize.

79. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.

80. Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
It has too many tellers.

81. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.

82. How do astronomers organize a party?
They planet.

83. What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

84. Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.

85. Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

86. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.

87. Where do sharks go on vacation?
Finland.

88. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.

89. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.

90. How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.

91. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.

92. What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.

93. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.

94. What state do crayons go to on vacation?
Color-ado.

95. Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.

96. What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

97. What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.

98. Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

99. Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.

100. What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.

101. Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

 

Tough crowd? Then make sure to check out the 101 Best Dad Jokes.

The Best 101 Dad Jokes That Will Make Your Kids Laugh out Loud

101 Best Dad Jokes to Make Your Kid LOL
(Getty/Cecilie_Arcurs)

Whether you’re a new dad or a long-time veteran, there’s nothing like making your kid laugh! Or roll their eyes and tell you you’re embarrassing them. Both equally satisfying. But if you’re running low on material, have we got the list for you: 101 of the best dad jokes out there! Tell your kids, tell your wife, tell that neighbor you don’t really like but always seems to mow the lawn the same time as you do so you have to say something.

1. I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.

2. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.

3. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.

4. What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIINS!”

5. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.

6. A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.

7. What’s the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple?
They’re both red. Except for the green one.

8. How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?
You slowly get over it.

9. Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

10. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

11. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

12. How did ancient Grecians get memorialized?
They had to urn it.

13. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They’re making headlines.

14. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.

15. What do you call bears with no ears?
B

16. Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.

17. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

18. When does a tailor need to go on vacation?
When they seem stressed.

19. What is heavy forward but not backward?
A ton.

20. Why can’t you tell dad jokes until you have kids?
It’s a faux pas.

21. Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.

22. I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I’ve got twelve fridges.

23. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.

24. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

25. Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

26. Two soldiers are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Blubblublubblubblub.”

27. Why was the burglar so sensitive?
He takes things personally.

28. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.

29. I invented a new word today:
Plagiarism.

30. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it.

31. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

32. Why is Orion’s belt the worst constellation?
It’s a waist of space.

33. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in
Airplane! mode.

34. Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people?
None of them work.

35. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

36. My son put his shoes on the wrong feet.
I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.

37. The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag.
I told him to just leave it in the carton.

38. What was the most ground-breaking invention?
A shovel.

39. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

40. Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic?
It takes you back.

41. I just found out I’m colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

42. What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.

43. A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot.
But that’s the last thing I need.

44. To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.

45. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

46. Why do flamingoes life one leg up?
If they lifted both they’d fall.

47. What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A yardvark.

48. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang.
Eventually, it came back to me.

49. Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.

50. Today my son asked me for a book Mark.
Can’t believe he’s 11 and still doesn’t know I’m named Dave.

51. Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum?
It was just collecting dust.

52. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

53. What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

54. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
That can’t just be a coincidence.

55. If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.

56. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

57. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

58. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

59. I tried watching The Neverending Story.
Couldn’t finish it.

60. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

61. What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.

62. Don’t worry if your parachute won’t open.
You’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.

63. What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

64. Why shouldn’t you try writing with a broken pencil?
It’s pointless.

65. Why should you buy socks with holes in them?
It’s the only way to get your feet in.

66. What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

67. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.

68. What’s the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.

69. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

70. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

71. This morning my alarm went off early.
I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.

72. Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.

73. Why is “R” only a pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.

74. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.

75. How do you remember which direction the sun rises in?
Eventually, it’ll dawn on you.

76. Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.

77. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

78. What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

79. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

80. What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?
Bison.

81. When does a dad joke cost $1000?
When it’s a granddad joke.

82. Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.

83. What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.

84. What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

85. What’s the tallest building in the world?
The library, it has the most stories.

86. What’s the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.

87. How are a hippo and Zippo similar?
One is very heavy, the other’s only a little lighter.

88. What’s the 25th letter of the alphabet?
I don’t know, y?

89. What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK, Rolling.

90. How do you handle a fear of elevators?
You take steps to avoid them.

91. How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see it later or in awhile.

92. When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer?
There are more geese on that side.

93. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

94. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

95. How can you tell by someone’s home if they’re a highway robber?
All the signs will be there.

96. Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.

97. How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can’t, elephant only have feet.

98. What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

99. How do you make an egg roll?
Just give it a little push.

100. How can you make money while freshening your breath?
Investmints.

101. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

Remember, making your kids cringe is equally as satisfying so be sure to check out The Worst 101 Dad Jokes.

Brothers Raise $11k for Children’s Hospital by Auctioning 230 Lb Hog

Austin and Logan Lettner
(FOX8)

A hog auction at Ohio’s 2019 Medina County Fair was the unlikely setting for an act of generosity by two young boys. An act much of the community soon became a part of.

Brothers Austin (14) and Logan (11) Letner work hard to raise their animals. The payoff for this should come at the County Fair’s auction. But when their parents asked if they’d like to keep the money for themselves or donate it to charity, Austin and Logan didn’t hesitate. They wanted to give it all away. “We thought about it for a bit, which charity we wanted to give it to, and we really liked St. Jude.” Austin told FOX8. As to why St. Jude, Austin’s reasoning was simple and kind. He said, “Kids shouldn’t have cancer. The parents and the kids don’t have to worry about any medical bills, just worry about them getting better.”

Austin and Logan take turns selling their animals. In 2018 Logan was able to raise an impressive $1,500 for St. Jude by selling his hog. This year Austin hoped to raise at least $1,000 for the cause. But when the auctioneer announced where the money would be going, the bids just kept climbing. The 230-pound hog named Millhouse went for an unheard of $12 per pound, totaling $2,760.

If that wasn’t incredible enough, it turned out the Medina County community wasn’t satisfied with letting only the winning bid donate to this cause. When the auctioneer opened up the floor to allow previous bidders to add $1 per pound, 28 other individuals and local businesses stepped up. Between those and other generous donations, the two boys raised a total of $11,040.

The winning bid came from Forever Fence & Rail, Strait-Line Construction inc. and Simmons Brother’s Construction. As it turns out, their generosity didn’t stop there. What do you do when you’re now the proud owner of some VERY expensive pork? If you’re these 3 buyers, you donate that too. They gave the hog to Medina County Home, helping to feed seniors at the local nursing home. 

If you’re all about the farm life, check out this story about a father-daughter team breaking the tractor land speed record!

Devoted 96-Yr-Old Dad Gets Heartwarming Justice for Speeding

96-Yr-Old Speeder Meets Judge Caprio
(YouTube/Caught In Providence)

Though we’re all too familiar with the frustrations of speeding tickets, the recent case of a 96-year-old father appearing in court for a school zone violation has turned into a truly heartwarming tale.

Judge Francesco “Frank” Caprio is the chief municipal judge of Providence, Rhode Island. He is probably most recognized from his television show, “Caught in Providence,” which showcases everyday court cases over which he presides.  Caprio is most known for his practical judgments and unyielding kindness. While not every defendant’s story, nor their ending, is a happy one, Judge Caprio has a true desire to see the best in people and help the defendants he believes deserving. In the aforementioned speeding case, he was able to do just that.

The defendant, identified as Victor Coella, appeared before the court charged with exceeding the speed limit in a school zone. Mr. Coella responded to this charge with “I don’t drive that fast judge. I’m 96 years old and I drive slowly and I only drive when I have to.” Judge Caprio appeared curious as to the reason he “had to” drive. Mr. Coella explains his son is disabled, and he must take him for blood work every two weeks because he also has cancer.

The judge’s response to this information encapsulates both the spirit of Mr. Coella and the attitude of Judge Caprio. He says simply, “You are a good man.”

Judge Caprio is a family man himself, with his brother as his show’s director and 3 other family members acting as producers, he inquires as to Mr. Coella’s son’s age. Mr. Coella replies his son is 63, and the judge, 82, in honor of the lifelong bond of fatherhood says, “Daddy’s still taking care of him, right?” He then gestures off to his left, and, unexpectedly, introduces his own son, sitting proudly beside a camera.

At the end of a heartfelt case, displaying on all sides the love a father has for their child, Judge Caprio still must make a ruling. He wishes Mr. Caprio and his son all the best, he wishes him good health and then dismisses the case.

Like heartwarming stories and not having to pay tickets? Check out this story on an Indiana district that let people pay for parking tickets with food and item donations to animal shelters.