101 of the Worst Puns to Make Your Family Cringe

101 Bad Dad Puns
(Getty/alvarez)

It’s an oft-quoted line that puns are the lowest form of wit. To that I say, I think we can go lower. We’ve put together a list of 101 of the absolute groaniest puns around. Next time your kid is embarrassed because you refused to drop them off a block away from school, these are what you shout from the window to make it worse.

1. A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage. He lost his case.

2. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? He was on a roll.

3. Did you hear about the man who tried to catch fog? He mist.

4. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it’s actually more of a wrap.

5. Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing.

6. Last week I called someone a watering hole, but I meant well.

7. Yeah, I steal brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.

8. The definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

9. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

10. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

11. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

12. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

13. Don’t interrupt someone working on a puzzle. You’ll hear some crosswords.

14. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? It had too many sleepless knights.

15. All these sea monster jokes are Kraken me up.

16. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

17. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.

18. What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A T-Wrecks.

19. What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.

20. What do you call an everyday potato? A commentator.

21. How do you put a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.

22. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

23. What did the volcano say to his wife? I lava you.

24. What do you call and owl that does magic? Hoodini.

25. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.

26. What do you call a classy salmon? Sofishticated.

27. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Gummybear.

28. How do you organize a space party? You planet.

29. What do you call and alligator in a vest? An investigator.

30. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A dino-snore.

31. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.

32. I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

33. I got fired as train engineer. They tallied up all my accidents, it was so hard to keep track.

34. Accidentally buried someone alive. It was a grave mistake.

35. I had to clean out all my spices. What a waste of thyme.

36. What do you call a laughing motorcycle? Yamahahaha.

37. A friend of mine annoyed me with bird puns. But toucan play at that game.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. I told my friend I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

40. What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? They’re always raisinet.

41. Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.

42. What did the librarian say when the books were a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

43. Why did the police go to a daycare center? A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

44. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

45. Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it.

46. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

47. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: He was on a roll.

48. I sent ten puns into a contest hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.

49. How much room should you give fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.

50. I cut my finger shredding cheese, but I think I may have grater problems.

51. How do trees get online? They just log in.

52. Why are dogs bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

53. Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

54. Why do hamburgers go to the gym? To get better buns.

55. What do you do when life gives you melons? See a doctor, you’re probably dyslexic.

56. It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall.

57. A Chinese restaurant got vandalized. It was an act of wonton destruction.

58. What do you call a dishonest noodle? An Impasta.

59. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

60. Where are average products made? The satisfactory.

61. Mummifying puns are so disheartening.

62. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

63. Why shouldn’t you mention the number 288? It’s two gross.

64. Why did the mathematician’s numeral keep ending up in the wrong place? It was Roman.

65. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

66. How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t. You get down from a goose.

67. Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he’s a keeper.

68. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

69. How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

70. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

71. Which is faster, heat or cold? Heat, you can catch cold.

72. I gave a valuable comb to a bald friend. He’ll never part with it.

73. Why couldn’t the circus replace their human cannonball? They couldn’t find another man of his caliber.

74. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired.

75. What did the ill comic say in the hospital? I’m here … all weak.

76. I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re watchdogs.

77. Advanced math is easy as pi.

78. Why does coffee hate mornings? It keeps getting mugged.

79. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

80. What did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, he just let out a little whine.

81. Life as an elevator repairman has its ups and downs.

82. Learning to sleep upside down is hard for bats, but they get the hang of it.

83. Waking up is an eye-opening experience.

84. I used to be a banker, until I lost interest.

85. Why couldn’t the coffee go out? It was grounded.

86. No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

87. When I get undressed in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

88. Why are teddy bears never hungry? They’re always stuffed.

89. I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

90. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

91. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

92. I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomial.

93. Where do robots go for fun? The circuits.

94. I accidentally ate food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

95. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

96. To solve claustrophobia you have to think outside the box.

97. What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.

98. Only small babies are delivered by stork, the big ones need a crane.

99. If you ever feel cold just stand in a corner. They’re usually around 90 degrees.

100. I just heard they won’t be making rulers any longer.

101. By shear coincidence, all these sheep look the same.

Check out our list of the 101 best puns in the world.

Can’t get enough of corny dad jokes? How about 101 knock-knock jokes to help you along!

This Is the Ultimate DC Extended Universe Chronological Timeline

dc movies in order
(Warner Bros.)

For decades, DC made money off all forms of Superman and Batman. Each superhero had his own television show(s) and a slew of movies. While the ultra-good Superman didn’t make much of an appearance in the early aughts (other than on Smallville), the brooding Batman reigned supreme. No matter the legendary actor who portrayed him, Batman was a blockbuster. With the likes of Penguin and Riddler, he’s had some seriously memorable villains. And let’s not forget the Dark Knight films that offered a particularly dark but enchanting look at Bruce Wayne’s most notorious enemy, The Joker.

Then came the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe). With the rise of Ironman and the rest of the Avengers, Batman suddenly didn’t have the same draw. After all, who can compete with Thor? Even Superman isn’t worthy. DC needed to find a way to compete with the MCU and with the end of Marvel’s “Phase 1” in sight, DC jumped at the chance. Enter the DC Extended Universe (DCEU). Playing off MCU’s lead, it was supposed to be a series of DC Character-led films all connected, full of callbacks and easter eggs. Sadly, it quickly jumped the tracks. (Or the shark, depending on how strongly you feel about the DCEU.)

There is an order to the DCEU films, though, and following it can make them more enjoyable. If you want to watch them in chronological order, so the flashbacks and callbacks make the most sense, here’s how…

DC Movies In Chronological Order

Wonder Woman

First, there’s the Wonder Woman flashback to Zeus’ creation of the Amazon women and their homeland, Themyscira. After all, Diana Prince (Gal Gadot) is Amazonian. The rest of the movie’s plot line takes place around World War I, when Captain Steve Trevor accidentally finds his way to Themyscira and is thus followed back to London by Diana/Wonder Woman, where she takes an active role in fighting alongside Allied Forces.

Man of Steel

Man of Steel was technically the first to be released within the timeline, even though the events within the movie all happen after Wonder Woman. Most of the film takes place in present-day (-ish), around 2013 with Superman (Henry Cavill) in his mid-to-late twenties. There are several “flashbacks,” however. The film shows the destruction on Krypton, Kal-El’s home planet, as well as his life as a child growing up in Kansas, as Clark Kent.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

The vast majority of Batman v. Superman takes place about a year and a half after the events of Man of Steel. The film largely centers on Batman/Bruce Wayne’s (Ben Affleck) grudge against Superman because of the events of Man of Steel, so you’ll see flashbacks of that destruction, as well as looks at Bruce’s childhood in the ‘80s. So, still clearly after Wonder Woman.

Suicide Squad

Nearly all of the film’s events take place about 12 months after the events in Batman v Superman. How do we know? The biggest factor is that the death of Superman is brought up in the film. We also witness Bruce/Batman taking a step back and handing over the Justice League reins to Amanda Waller (Viola Davis). All clearly signs that time has passed.

Justice League

Justice League pushes the story further into the present, starting about a year after everything that goes down in Suicide Squad. That said, there’s a pretty cool flashback to the fight against Steppenwolf (the supervillain, not the band) that took place in the days of Atlantis and Olympus, thousands of years prior.

Aquaman

Technically, you don’t need to have seen any of the other DC movies in order to watch Aquaman, enjoy Jason Mamoa’s acting and still get the gist of the film. It does, however, take place some time after Justice League. (It also includes gloriously ‘80s flashbacks for a look at Aquaman’s origins.)

Shazam!

Did anyone even watch Shazam!? We won’t judge you if you skipped this one. For the record, though, almost all of the movie takes place over 2018’s holiday season.

Birds of Prey

As previously mentioned, this is where the DC franchise has started to unravel. Birds of Prey. This was the standalone, entirely following Harley Quinn, that fans wanted most. It happens several years after the events of everything in Justice League but pays very little mind to anything Harley did with the Suicide Squad. Hopefully, subsequent movies pull things back together.

DC Movies By Release Date

Man of Steel
June, 2013
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
March, 2016
Suicide Squad
August, 2016
Wonder Woman
June, 2017
Justice League
November, 2017
Aquaman
December, 2018
Shazam!
April, 2019
Birds of Prey
February, 2020

Michael Jordan Donates $2 Million To Food Banks in Chicago and Carolina

Jordan Donation
(Twitter/FeedingAmerica)

It’s the season of giving, and Michael Jordan once again proved why he’s a GOAT by making a huge donation to Feeding America to help the nearly 80 million food-insecure Americans during the holidays. During Thanksgiving week, Jordan donated $2 million to the organization supporting food banks around the country.

Jordan has proven his charitable side during the pandemic, as he helped fund two health care centers for uninsured people in his current hometown in North Carolina. It’s a huge gift from the sports legend that made a tremendous impact on those at-risk communities. And now, Jordan is helping feed the hungry in Chicago and North Carolina by gifting the proceeds of the recent “Last Dance” documentary on his final season.

Feeding America announced the gift and described it as ‘an incredible gift to be thankful for’ and said it would help feed their neighbors. Jordan, for his part, released a statement acknowledging the donation.

“In these challenging times and in a year of unimaginable difficulty due to COVID-19, it’s more important than ever to pause and give thanks,” he said. “I am proud to be donating additional proceeds from The Last Dance to Feeding America and its member food banks in the Carolinas and Chicago to help feed America’s hungry.”

The NBA Hall of Famer is certainly trying to rewrite his next chapter, as he’s been on a major philanthropic phase in the last year, with this gift, opening two health care centers for the uninsured, and with a $100 million gift over 10 years to fight racial inequality.

Jordan continues to cement his legacy as the GOAT.

Dad Keeps Thanksgiving Tradition Alive By Taking Post-Dinner Nap Over Zoom

Dad Takes Nap on Zoom
(Getty/Dylan Ellis)

CHULA VISTA, CA – While the Christiansen family was unable to gather in person this year for Thanksgiving due to the pandemic, 41-year-old Jason Christiansen, a father of two, wasn’t about to let that stand in the way of tradition, as he set up a Zoom call so that the entire family could watch him take a post-dinner nap.

“It just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Uncle Jason passing out on the couch,” said Jason’s niece Debbie, who along with the rest of the family played some virtual boardgames over Zoom while the audio from Jason’s snores intermittently cut in and out of the call.

While there was a brief moment where the entire Zoom call paused to see if Jason was waking up, it proved that he was just switching positions from one where the laptop camera showed an unflattering angle of his double chin to an even less flattering angle revealing his belly peeking out from beneath his shirt.

“It’s been a strange year, but it felt refreshingly normal to watch my brother fall asleep after consuming his weight in mashed potatoes,” said Jason’s brother Henry, who was grateful that Jason had upgraded to a premium Zoom account so that the family didn’t miss a single second of him napping.

As the entire family said their goodbyes and signed off the Zoom call around 10pm, it wasn’t until 3am that Jason finally woke up from his lengthy Turkey-induced nap and finally shut his laptop screen before immediately going to bed so he could sleep off the rest of the meal.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Tyler Perry Feeds 5,000 Families at Drive-Thru Thanksgiving Food Giveaway

Tyler Perry Thanksgiving Giveaway
(Getty/Albert L. Ortega Twitter/emilieIkedaFOX5)

When it comes to famous people, 2020 has shown us who the true GOATS are, the ones who help people in their greatest hour of need and go above and beyond in delivering that help. And it’s also shown us the ones who are astonishingly silent during this time or paying only lip-service when it comes to making a difference. You probably don’t need a reminder, but Tyler Perry is indisputably in that first group. That’s why he was recently crowned the people’s champ.

Perry has always had a philanthropic heart, giving to the people and charities that make a difference. But he’s kicked it up a gear during COVID times. He bought groceries for thousands of seniors during the height of pandemic paranoia, he went above and beyond to get his studio open safely so he could get people back to work, worked with local law enforcement to get gift cards to families in need, gave away $20,000+ in tips at his favorite restaurant, and is just an all-around good guy. Now, he’s helping feed people on Thanksgiving.

His studio announced the news of a giveaway of non-perishable food items and gift cards to the first 5,000 families who came by. The poster for the Thanksgiving giveaway said they wished they ‘could feed everyone’, but wanted to do what they could during a time when so many are food-insecure.

In a sign of how much it’s needed, cars started lining up THE DAY BEFORE the giveaway, like they were selling Playstation 5s. The long line even caused traffic problems.

Perry has given back during the holidays before, most notably a couple years back when he paid off $500,000 of layaway balances at Walmart for families. And this Thanksgiving give-away is another that will not soon be forgotten.

This should be the new barometer for charity work. If you’re causing traffic, it tells you what you’re doing is substantial, and it also tells you there are a lot of people in need, and hopefully his generosity inspires others to give back however they can during the holiday season.

Dad “Really Sad” That Vegan Relatives Can’t Attend Thanksgiving Amid Covid

Dad Sad on Thanksgiving
(Getty/PeopleImages)

CHESAPEAKE, VA – The COVID-19 pandemic has forced families to alter their Thanksgiving plans this year, meaning 36-year-old Greg Jeffries won’t be able to host a big family gathering like normal, which in turn has left him “utterly distraught” over the fact that his vegan relatives won’t be attending.

“I’m heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken,” said Greg while stuffing the tofurkey he bought last week straight into the trash, which he would have been forced to make for his sister-in-law and her husband before they ultimately canceled their travel plans.

While Greg also claimed to be sad that his meat-eating family members wouldn’t be coming to dinner this year, he made a point to stress that he was extra “inconsolable” and “unsure if he would ever find happiness again” over the fact that his vegan relatives wouldn’t be showing up and bringing vegan side dishes that took up valuable table space.

“Tears of joy? No, I’m really sad,” said Greg, who had tears running down his face when he pulled the delicious, meaty turkey out of the oven that he and his wife would be sharing without any concern for the dietary restrictions of others.

As Greg and his wife sat down to enjoy a smaller than usual Thanksgiving together, he realized that by this time next year the entire family would be able to gather safely again, vegans included. It was this realization that made him truly sad for the first time all day.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Former NFL Star Gives Away 200 Thanksgiving Turkeys

Marshawn Lynch handing out turkeys
(Twitter/RobDeMelloKHON)

Once a famous athlete retires, the sports world is quick to forget them. If they suddenly pop back up in the news, it’s not usually a good sign, but Marshawn Lynch is a clear exception to this. The former All-Pro running back who led the Seattle Seahawks to a pair of Super Bowls made news this week for his charitable side, as Beast Mode handed out 200 free turkeys to families in Hawaii (where he lives).

Big charitable efforts from celebrities are usually PR stunts, tied into a vague sounding foundation without a clear impact on helping people (this isn’t to dog all charities, some obviously do major good). Then there’s the other side of it, where people give directly to those in need. Like Josh Gad giving money to laid-off Disney workers, or Tyler Perry buying groceries for senior citizens.

Beast Mode falls into that category, as he not only helped buy turkeys for 200 fams, he donned the PPE and handed them out himself.

Officially, he partnered with Young’s Fish Market and his foundation, Fam1stFamily, to pull off the Thanksgiving giveaway. Former star football player at Hawaii, Chad Owens, also helped pass out the turkeys, and said they were “blessed” to have Marshawn out there donating turkeys and that he was there ‘to help and support Marshawn in his wanting to give this Thanksgiving season.”

Lynch has always been a big force of giving back to the community, as he’s participated in numerous food drives, built a school in Haiti, bought a soul food restaurant so it wouldn’t have to close and much more. And he also does stuff like this, which will make a big difference for a few hundred families on Thanksgiving. In the spring, he drove around on a golf cart handing out face masks to people to help stay safe during the pandemic.

Lynch was a terror on the field (hence the Beast Mode nickname), and though he was never a big interview off the field, his actions speak much louder to his character than any words could’ve.

 

Florida Man Becomes a Hero After Prying His Puppy From the Jaws of an Alligator

Florida man saves puppy from alligator
(YouTube/Inside Edition)

Buckle up folks, Florida Man is back. This isn’t your typical Florida Man story though – this time, FloridaMan is the superhero we desperately needed. While out walking near his backyard pond as he’s done countless times in the past, 74-year-old Richard Wilbanks had an encounter he won’t soon forget. Wilbanks took his 3-month-old puppy out for a walk, and unfortunately, a hungry alligator was quietly lurking under the pond’s surface.

Typically, when we see videos of alligators, it’s their powerful jaws and mammoth size that makes our blood run cold. Our only saving grace (or so we thought) is that their legs, though clawed and terrifying, are disproportionately small. They don’t seem like they’d be the most coordinated of creatures, let alone the fastest. But as Wilbanks, unfortunately, found out, a nearby snack is enough motivation for these short-legged predators to kick it up a notch.

“We were just out walking by the pond,” Wilbanks told CNN, “and it came out of the water like a missile. I never thought an alligator could be that fast. It was so quick.”

Before Wilbanks’s brain could catch up with his adrenaline-fueled body, the Florida retiree was in the pond with beloved puppy, his hands wrapped around the jaws of the alligator. He managed to keep the young alligator still as he poured all of his effort into prying open its powerful jaws.

After a Herculean struggle that was caught on nearby security cameras, our hero freed his helpless pup from the nearly 4-foot-long alligator’s grip. As if the remarkable save wasn’t impressive enough, this absolutely beast of a man held his cigar in his mouth throughout the entire encounter (which is honestly the most Florida Man thing we can imagine).

Wilbanks’s hands were cut badly from the alligator’s teeth, but after a trip to the doctor and a tetanus shot, he’s healing well. As for his puppy Gunner, incredibly, the dog was less injured than he was. With a single puncture wound on his abdomen, a trip to the vet was all he needed before returning home for some much-needed rest.

As for the alligator, well, he didn’t get his meal. But because of a partnership between the Florida Wildlife Federation and fSTOP, an organization geared towards conservation education through photography, residents of the area value living alongside native wildlife.

Wilbanks told CNN, “They’re part of nature and part of our lives.”

He explained that he didn’t want the alligator removed or hurt in any way, but he will be taking precautions by walking farther from the pond in the future.

“Our pets, they’re just like family to us,” Wilbanks said.

You hear that, alligators? Dogs are friends, not food.

Dog Climbs Into Dryer To Get Warm

Dad’s Next-Level Responses To “Is the Baby Ok?” Are Both Brilliant and Hilarious

Dad Answers "is the baby ok?" in a hilarious way
(Instagram/onadventurewithdad)

Becoming a parent can make even the most rational people develop a laundry list of irrational fears. This helpless human is entirely your responsibility, making even the most mundane decisions inexplicably stressful. Sometimes this new-parent paranoia (parent-noia?) happens in both parents, but when one parent manages to keep their cool, occasionally, hilarity ensues.

Kenny Deuss from Antwerp, Belgium is the father of nearly 2-year-old Alix. When Alix was younger, Kenny’s girlfriend had just a touch of parent-noia – as a new dad, Kenny took on the all-important dad responsibility of providing levity (at somewhat inopportune times).

Any time Kenny and Alix were hanging out alone, Kenny’s girlfriend would frequently check-in. “Is the baby ok?” became a question Kenny heard all too many times, so he decided to provide some unorthodox answers. Rather than a simple “yeah” or “everything’s fine,” Kenny sent his girlfriend photoshopped images demonstrating quite the opposite.

This talented dad sent his girlfriend pictures of Alix photoshopped into all sorts of questionable situations, I assume, to prove that he had things so under control that he had time to do some top-tier editing.

Soon, any time Kenny’s girlfriend asked, “Is the baby ok?” she was met with this,

Or this

Or even this.

Kenny began posting his photos on Instagram, and unsurprisingly, he’s accumulated nearly 50,000 followers after posting just 46 hilarious photos. Kenny’s pictures are brilliant, of course, but they also speak to the part of our brains that takes us on a tour of “The Worst Things That Could Possibly Happen” any time we get a bit nervous.

Seeing the absurdity of some of our fears laid out reminds us to stay grounded in reality. And, of course, it reminds us that it’s ok to take a break every once in a while – after all, we aren’t parenting alone. Yes, you too single parents. It really does take a village to raise a kid, and nobody expects you to do everything. Even when someone else is watching them, as Kenny kindly demonstrates (sort of), the baby will be just fine.