It’s an oft-quoted line that puns are the lowest form of wit. To that I say, I think we can go lower. We’ve put together a list of 101 of the absolute groaniest puns around. Next time your kid is embarrassed because you refused to drop them off a block away from school, these are what you shout from the window to make it worse.
1. A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage. He lost his case.
2. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? He was on a roll.
3. Did you hear about the man who tried to catch fog? He mist.
4. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it’s actually more of a wrap.
5. Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing.
6. Last week I called someone a watering hole, but I meant well.
7. Yeah, I steal brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.
8. The definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
9. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
10. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
11. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
12. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
13. Don’t interrupt someone working on a puzzle. You’ll hear some crosswords.
14. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? It had too many sleepless knights.
15. All these sea monster jokes are Kraken me up.
16. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
17. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.
18. What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A T-Wrecks.
19. What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.
20. What do you call an everyday potato? A commentator.
21. How do you put a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.
22. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
23. What did the volcano say to his wife? I lava you.
24. What do you call and owl that does magic? Hoodini.
25. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
26. What do you call a classy salmon? Sofishticated.
27. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Gummybear.
28. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
29. What do you call and alligator in a vest? An investigator.
30. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A dino-snore.
31. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.
32. I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
33. I got fired as train engineer. They tallied up all my accidents, it was so hard to keep track.
34. Accidentally buried someone alive. It was a grave mistake.
35. I had to clean out all my spices. What a waste of thyme.
36. What do you call a laughing motorcycle? Yamahahaha.
37. A friend of mine annoyed me with bird puns. But toucan play at that game.
38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
39. I told my friend I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.
40. What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? They’re always raisinet.
41. Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.
42. What did the librarian say when the books were a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.
43. Why did the police go to a daycare center? A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
44. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
45. Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it.
46. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
47. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: He was on a roll.
48. I sent ten puns into a contest hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.
49. How much room should you give fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
50. I cut my finger shredding cheese, but I think I may have grater problems.
51. How do trees get online? They just log in.
52. Why are dogs bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
53. Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
54. Why do hamburgers go to the gym? To get better buns.
55. What do you do when life gives you melons? See a doctor, you’re probably dyslexic.
56. It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall.
57. A Chinese restaurant got vandalized. It was an act of wonton destruction.
58. What do you call a dishonest noodle? An Impasta.
59. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
60. Where are average products made? The satisfactory.
61. Mummifying puns are so disheartening.
62. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
63. Why shouldn’t you mention the number 288? It’s two gross.
64. Why did the mathematician’s numeral keep ending up in the wrong place? It was Roman.
65. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
66. How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t. You get down from a goose.
67. Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he’s a keeper.
68. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
69. How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.
70. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.
71. Which is faster, heat or cold? Heat, you can catch cold.
72. I gave a valuable comb to a bald friend. He’ll never part with it.
73. Why couldn’t the circus replace their human cannonball? They couldn’t find another man of his caliber.
74. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired.
75. What did the ill comic say in the hospital? I’m here … all weak.
76. I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re watchdogs.
77. Advanced math is easy as pi.
78. Why does coffee hate mornings? It keeps getting mugged.
79. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
80. What did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, he just let out a little whine.
81. Life as an elevator repairman has its ups and downs.
82. Learning to sleep upside down is hard for bats, but they get the hang of it.
83. Waking up is an eye-opening experience.
84. I used to be a banker, until I lost interest.
85. Why couldn’t the coffee go out? It was grounded.
86. No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
87. When I get undressed in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
88. Why are teddy bears never hungry? They’re always stuffed.
89. I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.
90. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
91. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
92. I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomial.
93. Where do robots go for fun? The circuits.
94. I accidentally ate food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
95. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
96. To solve claustrophobia you have to think outside the box.
97. What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.
98. Only small babies are delivered by stork, the big ones need a crane.
99. If you ever feel cold just stand in a corner. They’re usually around 90 degrees.
100. I just heard they won’t be making rulers any longer.
101. By shear coincidence, all these sheep look the same.
Check out our list of the 101 best puns in the world.