101 of the Worst Puns to Make Your Family Cringe

101 Bad Dad Puns
(Getty/alvarez)

It’s an oft-quoted line that puns are the lowest form of wit. To that I say, I think we can go lower. We’ve put together a list of 101 of the absolute groaniest puns around. Next time your kid is embarrassed because you refused to drop them off a block away from school, these are what you shout from the window to make it worse.

1. A man sued an airline company after they couldn’t find his luggage. He lost his case.

2. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? He was on a roll.

3. Did you hear about the man who tried to catch fog? He mist.

4. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well, it’s actually more of a wrap.

5. Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing.

6. Last week I called someone a watering hole, but I meant well.

7. Yeah, I steal brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.

8. The definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

9. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

10. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

11. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.

12. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

13. Don’t interrupt someone working on a puzzle. You’ll hear some crosswords.

14. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? It had too many sleepless knights.

15. All these sea monster jokes are Kraken me up.

16. What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

17. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.

18. What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A T-Wrecks.

19. What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.

20. What do you call an everyday potato? A commentator.

21. How do you put a baby alien to sleep? You rocket.

22. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

23. What did the volcano say to his wife? I lava you.

24. What do you call and owl that does magic? Hoodini.

25. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.

26. What do you call a classy salmon? Sofishticated.

27. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Gummybear.

28. How do you organize a space party? You planet.

29. What do you call and alligator in a vest? An investigator.

30. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A dino-snore.

31. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it’s tearable.

32. I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.

33. I got fired as train engineer. They tallied up all my accidents, it was so hard to keep track.

34. Accidentally buried someone alive. It was a grave mistake.

35. I had to clean out all my spices. What a waste of thyme.

36. What do you call a laughing motorcycle? Yamahahaha.

37. A friend of mine annoyed me with bird puns. But toucan play at that game.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. I told my friend I was going to make a bike out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

40. What’s the worst part about movie theater candy prices? They’re always raisinet.

41. Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.

42. What did the librarian say when the books were a mess? We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

43. Why did the police go to a daycare center? A 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

44. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

45. Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I’m not telling you. You might spread it.

46. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.

47. Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the poker table? A: He was on a roll.

48. I sent ten puns into a contest hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.

49. How much room should you give fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.

50. I cut my finger shredding cheese, but I think I may have grater problems.

51. How do trees get online? They just log in.

52. Why are dogs bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.

53. Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

54. Why do hamburgers go to the gym? To get better buns.

55. What do you do when life gives you melons? See a doctor, you’re probably dyslexic.

56. It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty. But he had a great fall.

57. A Chinese restaurant got vandalized. It was an act of wonton destruction.

58. What do you call a dishonest noodle? An Impasta.

59. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

60. Where are average products made? The satisfactory.

61. Mummifying puns are so disheartening.

62. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

63. Why shouldn’t you mention the number 288? It’s two gross.

64. Why did the mathematician’s numeral keep ending up in the wrong place? It was Roman.

65. What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

66. How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t. You get down from a goose.

67. Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he’s a keeper.

68. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

69. How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

70. A criminal’s best asset is his lie ability.

71. Which is faster, heat or cold? Heat, you can catch cold.

72. I gave a valuable comb to a bald friend. He’ll never part with it.

73. Why couldn’t the circus replace their human cannonball? They couldn’t find another man of his caliber.

74. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired.

75. What did the ill comic say in the hospital? I’m here … all weak.

76. I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re watchdogs.

77. Advanced math is easy as pi.

78. Why does coffee hate mornings? It keeps getting mugged.

79. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

80. What did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, he just let out a little whine.

81. Life as an elevator repairman has its ups and downs.

82. Learning to sleep upside down is hard for bats, but they get the hang of it.

83. Waking up is an eye-opening experience.

84. I used to be a banker, until I lost interest.

85. Why couldn’t the coffee go out? It was grounded.

86. No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

87. When I get undressed in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

88. Why are teddy bears never hungry? They’re always stuffed.

89. I used to be a shoe salesman, until they gave me the boot.

90. It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

91. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

92. I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch. He could binomial.

93. Where do robots go for fun? The circuits.

94. I accidentally ate food coloring. I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

95. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

96. To solve claustrophobia you have to think outside the box.

97. What did the mermaid wear to math class? An algae-bra.

98. Only small babies are delivered by stork, the big ones need a crane.

99. If you ever feel cold just stand in a corner. They’re usually around 90 degrees.

100. I just heard they won’t be making rulers any longer.

101. By shear coincidence, all these sheep look the same.

Check out our list of the 101 best puns in the world.

Can’t get enough of corny dad jokes? How about 101 knock-knock jokes to help you along!

ESPN Moves up Release of Highly Anticipated Michael Jordan Series

The Last Dance
(Twitter/ESPN)

The sports world is feeling the crunch of suddenly having absolutely nothing going on. Athletes are creating makeshift sports at home, while fans cling to repeats of The Ocho. Kids got Frozen 2 early and free Amazon content but sports fans have been left in the cold.

Until now.

ESPN as stepped up and is delivering the hotly anticipated, 10-part Michael Jordan documentary months early. It will now be premiering now on April 19th.

The documentary series, The Last Dance, details Jordan’s last season with the Chicago Bulls. For millennial sports fans, it’s tough to understate how big this is. In the late 90s, there was nothing cooler than Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. And with literally nothing else in the sports world even happening, everyone will be tuned in for this. Even the final trailer seems incredible and leaves fans awash in nostalgia for a time when people could actually gather in public.

This is big enough news that even athletes can’t wait for the series. LeBron James is the only basketball player in a generation to even get close to the Jordan discussion (and some may say James is the better player). And even LeBron can’t wait for the documentary.

The 97-98 Bulls was one of the more unique versions of the dynasty, as outside of Jordan you had Steve Kerr (now a wildly successful coach), Scottie Pippen (at the height of his career), Dennis Rodman (before he was a North Korean spokesperson) and Phil Jackson (always the Zen Master). That’s a lot of personalities around the biggest personality in basketball history.

Check Out the Trailer for New Rick and Morty Episodes

New Episodes of Rick & Morty
(YouTube/Adult Swim)

Last week, news came down of Solar Opposites, a new show from the Justin Roiland, the co-creator of Rick and Morty. The show has a very Rick and Morty vibe, complete with the science-fictiony twist about a group of aliens who crash-land on earth and need to make their way in this strange new world.

It feels like Rick and Morty, but it’s not Rick and Morty.

Thankfully, Rick and Morty is coming back, and today they dropped the trailer for the long-awaited batch of episodes that makes up the second half of season four. Rick and Morty: The Other Five looks like more of the same, which is exactly what fans expect, and why they’re so rabid about the show.

The first five episodes of the season saw the pair running through various types of stories, but some fans were disappointed that those outings didn’t seem to connect to the larger story that the show had been building the previous 3 seasons. We’ll see how the second half connects, but there’s one plot point that continues: the search for Summer.

The trailer is set to Thin Lizzy’s rollicking “The Boys are Back in Town” and showcases the titular duo continuing their mission to find Morty’s sister, Summer. The last time we saw the gang, they were hawking Pringles during the Super Bowl, so it’s nice to see them back in their typical surroundings on Adult Swim.

The half-season hits the Cartoon Network on May 3, which is probably going to be exactly when we need some hi-jinx most.

Former NBA Star Working to Secure 10 Million Masks for NYC

Stephon Marbury Masks
(Instagram/starburymarbury)

New York City is the new epicenter for COVID-19. The hospitals have been overrun by cases, sirens are the only constant sounds on the streets, and healthcare workers are in desperate need of PPE. And on that last need, one former NYC basketball star is trying to come to the rescue.

Stephon Marbury, a talented baller from Brooklyn who starred for the New York Knicks, is working to negotiate the delivery of 10 million of the much-needed N95 masks, and at a steep discount. Marbury played in the NBA for more than a decade, but it wasn’t until he moved to China that he became a basketball hero.

In China, where he still lives, Marbury became an icon. And as the country of origin for COVID-19, they know a thing or two about fighting the illness. Now that cases are lower in China, they don’t have a significant need for protective equipment. Marbury wants to help move the surplus to his hometown and found a mask supplier willing to sell them at cost (which is about three times cheaper than what NYC has been paying for masks).

“At the end of the day, I am from Brooklyn,” Marbury told the New York Post. “This is something that is close and dear to my heart as far as being able to help New York.”

The basketball legend still has family scattered throughout the city, and recently lost a cousin to the deadly virus. He said he’s working to have the masks delivered in weekly shipments of 2 million.

Marbury has always been a charitable figure, donating frequently to various causes when he was a Knick. This latest act is another testament to the legacy of one of the most important players New York City has ever produced. He wasn’t exactly known for assists, but this one would be a big one that’s never been needed more.

Finally: Jello Shots and Jenga Together at Last

(Etsy | Stone Point Woodwork)

Who doesn’t love a good game of Jenga? Extracting wooden blocks with the deliberation of an engineer and the hands of a surgeon, moving said blocks to the top of an increasingly rickety structure, and howling like lunatics when the tower inevitably topples over. Everyone emerges the victor, save for one loser tasked with cleaning up the mess they alone made.

It’s a sport of kings.

The only thing that could make it more fun?

Booze.

We’re all familiar with Drunk Jenga, aka Tipsy Tower, a variation that incorporates time-tested drinking game rules. Each block pulled is inscribed with a command, rule, or mini-game. Take shots, give shots, rhyming challenges, things of that nature.

(Pinterest/Nicole Snovicky)

Yeah yeah, we know. It’s been done.

But!

What if we told you someone has integrated Jenga with booze by literally integrating Jenga with booze? Introducing Little Tipsy Jello Shot Towers.

(Etsy | StonePointWoodwork)

Built and sold by the Etsy store Stone Point Woodwork, the Little Tipsy Jello Shot Tower is exactly what it sounds like. It’s way bigger than your standard-issue Jenga stack, standing at a colossal 27 inches. This is because hidden throughout the 54 blocks are 25 holes in which you can comfortably nestle 25 Jello shots.

Literal game changer.

(Etsy | StonePointWoodwork)

“Fifteen of the blocks in this tower contains single holes for Jello shots and five of the blocks contain double holes,” reads their Etsy page. “Pull the block with the shot/shots and you take them or share with a friend!”

This update of the Hasbro classic looks like a rollicking good time, and the inclusion of alcohol should pose no safety issues as long as you don’t keep adding to a really high Jenga. Speaking of which, nobody invent High Jenga.

John Krasinski and Steve Carell Talk Good News and The Office

Some Good News
(YouTube/SomeGoodNews)

John Krasinski was supposed to be celebrating the premiere of the sequel to his 2018 blockbuster The Quiet Place. Alas, COVID-19 had other plans, and the movie, along with just about every other major studio release slated for this year, was delayed. So, like the rest of us, the former Office star needs to find other ways to fill his time.

Thankfully for us, he decided to do that publicly. And with his famous friends.

The actor/writer/director has started a series on YouTube called “Some Good News,” via which he attempts to spread a little positivity during these trying times. The channel, which only launched yesterday and already has over 650,000 subscribers, features Krasinski himself sharing heartwarming and positive stories of humanity during the pandemic.

His first full episode featured a “visit” from his Entertainment Correspondent and former co-star Steve Carell, aka Michael Scott. Carell appeared on the show to chat with his friend about The Office’s 15th anniversary, and to share some of their favorite moments from the classic sitcom and talk about the enduring bond between the cast members.

The pair had a good time laughing and reminiscing together, and Krasinski also featured an interview with Courtney “Coco” Johnson, a teenager who recently had her last chemotherapy treatment but remains under isolation due to the coronavirus.

Check it out for Some Good News – then around the 5:30 mark John talks Office!

Crocs Is Giving Away up to 20k Pairs to Healthcare Workers, Daily

Crocs Daily 20k Giveaway
(Instagram/Crocs)

If there was an honorary member to the dad shoe class, Crocs could make a case. It checks all the boxes; they’re comfortable and durable. They’re affordable and easy to clean. Oh, and they’re an awesome company.

The shoe is popular in the medical community, for many of the above reasons. And as our nation’s healthcare workers are facing a pandemic, the shoe company is trying to show its love, by giving away up to 20,000 pairs to healthcare workers daily.

The president and CEO of Crocs said in a statement the duration of the giveaway to these ‘heroes’ would depend on inventory. But after offering 10,000 daily the first few days the campaign ran – they upped the number to 20k a day.

He also said: “These workers have our deepest respect, and we are humbled to be able to answer their call and provide whatever we can to help during this unprecedented time.

This is the hour where people are rallying to help those on the front lines in any way they can. Maybe it’s free shoes. Or maybe it’s stopping the manufacture of jerseys, opting to make medical masks and PPE. Or maybe it’s donating supplies from your TV show, or making hand sanitizer instead of (or along with) booze.

Companies across the spectrum are doing their part to support those in the pandemic trenches. If you are a healthcare worker (or know one), you can get your free Crocs by going here at 12:00 p.m. ET every day.

Family Guy’s Brian and Stewie Launch Quarantine Podcast

Stewie and Brian's Podcast
(Instagram/mcfarlaneseth)

If you’re anything like me, this quarantine has got you pretty bored.

Sure, there are jobs to be done, and homeschooling to help with, and parenting to half-ass, but there’s also a fair amount of free time that can’t be filled with trips to our favorite restaurants or bars or movie theaters or concert venues or friends’ places. We’re all stuck inside, killing time with Netflix and jigsaw puzzles.

Thankfully, streaming services have stepped up to offer as much content as they can, both new and old, artists and musicians and streaming performances on Instagram and YouTube. You can even find stripped-down versions of late-night shows, with hosts like Seth Myers and Jimmy Kimmel speaking to viewers from their homes.

You can even hear podcasts featuring your favorite animated characters, like Stewie and Brian from Family Guy.

Like the rest of us, Stewie and Brian are bored AF, stuck inside, looking for ways to entertain themselves, so they’ve started a quarantine podcast. Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane posted an image of Brian wearing a mask on Instagram to announce the podcast: “Stewie and Brian made a podcast. Check it out on IGTV.”

Stewie and Brian, of course, are both voiced by MacFarlane himself, as is Peter Griffin, who also appears on the show. Aside from the usual Family Guy-style tomfoolery, the podcast actually offers some resources, with characters offering tips for staying occupied, telling listeners not to hoard supplies, and exhorting listeners to stay home.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Seth MacFarlane (@macfarlaneseth) on

MacFarlane also posted a drawing of Stewie and exhorted people to stay home and be safe.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

For this brief duration: STAY HOME. You may feel healthy. You may BE healthy. The vast majority of COVID-19 cases are mild or asymptomatic. But you still may be a carrier, and you could pass it on to someone more vulnerable to it. This is not the apocalypse. The world has seen pandemics before. This will pass, and life will return to normal. But if you don’t make a temporary life adjustment during this pause, you will be helping to increase the likelihood that this disease will spread, resulting in the inability of hospitals to care for the number of serious cases. You can choose to help save lives, or to disregard them. So for the sake of those most exposed to harm, stay home if you have the means. There are people who don’t have that option — from doctors to firefighters to transit workers to all those who don’t have the financial luxury that perhaps you do — and you will increase their exposure as well if you insist on going to that bar. A virus is not invincible. It can be suffocated, but only with a communal effort can we do so with speed and efficiency, and without buying 100 rolls of toilet paper. Be responsible, and it will pay off.

A post shared by Seth MacFarlane (@macfarlaneseth) on

According to TV Guide, Family Guy is one of the few shows still in production, with the animators collaborating over a shared storyboard program called Toon Boom. So maybe we’ll get some new episodes soon.

But until then, we’ve got the podcast!

Album Covers, Reimagined in the Age of Social Distancing

(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Apple Records)

As social distancing continues to reveal itself as one sobering inconvenience after the next, it’s crucial we keep wringing what chuckles we can from the circumstances dealt.

While we heed stern warnings to keep minimum distances of six feet between one another, two brilliant LA-based artists, Paco Conde and Roberto Fernandez, wanted to reinforce this message. They tasked themselves with modernizing classic album covers so that they adhere to CDC safety guidelines.

From their website:

“A collection of iconic album covers redesigned to raise awareness about the importance of staying at least 6 feet away from each other, to stop the spread of Coronavirus.

Social distancing is the new normal and it will be for a while. 6 feet or 1.8 meters is the distance that experts recommend we keep between each other.

We will rock again soon. Just remember to keep the 6 feet distance. It will save lives.​

On top of keeping your distance, please do support local charities like Feeding America.

Their work is crucial for some of the most vulnerable people struggling with the economic effects of Coronavirus.”

(We took the liberty of retooling a popular lyric from each band to do the same.)

“Ladies, leave ya man at home. Come to think of it, you too. Both of you just stay home please.”

Destiny's Child Album Re-imagined
(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Columbia)

“Stone me, sure, but I must kindly ask you NOT spit in my eye, thank you”

(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / EMI / Elektra Records)

“You can go your own way, just keep 6′ behind anyone else going theirs”

(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Warner Bros. Records)

“Call me! Or text. Just, like, do not come over.”

(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Chrysalis Records)

“Come together. Wait, no, nevermind. Don’t.”

Abby Road Re-imagined
(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Apple Records)

“Strumming my pain with his I HOPE recently-washed fingers.”

Re-imagined Fugees Album Cover
(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Ruffhouse / Columbia Records)

“F*** the CO-VID.”

Re-imagined NWA Album
(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Ruthless / Priority)

“I wanna be sedated. This one works as is.”

(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Rhino)

“Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud but like cover your mouth if that’s no too much trouble.”

(Paco Conde / Roberto Fernandez / Casablanca)

Check out many more of these clever reimaginings on Paco and Roberto’s website, 6 Feet Covers.

Father Figures: Ready Player Son

“My son had a neonatal stroke at birth, which damaged the left side of his brain. He went to Sick Kids to get his seizures under control. Once regulated, we went back home.

Over the years, he never had a seizure while awake and did everything what a kid does: play video games (his favorite was TMNT 3 on the NES), learned Muay Thai, and is a big cuddler.

He had seizures only at night ranging 5 to 10 a night and we had to take a decision that led to his hemispherectomy (cut half the brain out). This had side effects, including paralyzing his right arm.

He still wants to play video games, so I do the buttons while he maneuvers the character. He also still does Muay Thai and cuddles.

He has rough patches due to being disabled, but showing positive support he retains a positive outlook on life and pushes through every obstacle.”

– Gabriel Blouin

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here