Not all of us celebrate Christmas. We try to make Hanukkah just as fun, but there’s one area it’s hard to compete: There are disproportionately far more jokes about Rudolph and Santa than there are jokes about dreidels and menorahs. So this holiday season we put together a collection of our favorite Hanukkah jokes, and a number of winter jokes too, just to make sure absolutely everyone in the northern hemisphere is covered!
1. My mother gave me two sweaters last Hanukkah. This year when we went back to visit I made sure to wear one. As we walked in she looked at me concerned and said, “What’s wrong, you didn’t like the other one?”
2. Which hand is it best to light the menorah with?
Neither, it’s best to light it with a candle.
3. Two menorahs are sitting in the window. One turns to the other and says, “Wow, it’s getting hot with all these candles.” The other looks back and says, “Whoa, a talking menorah!”
4. A man went to buy some stamps for his Hanukkah cards. He asks the clerk, “Do I have to stick these on myself?” The clerk says, “Well, it’ll work better if you stick them on the envelope.”
5. A grandmother is giving directions to her grandson before he visits her at her new place for Hanukkah. She tells him, “There’s a big panel in the front of the building. Just hit 3A with your elbow for my apartment and I’ll buzz you in. When you get in the elevator, use your elbow to hit 3 and it’ll take you to my floor. When you get to my apartment you can just use your elbow to ring the bell.” The grandson replies, “That all sounds fine, but why am I using my elbow for everything?” His grandmother gasps and says, “You’re coming to visit empty-handed?
6. What’s the best Hanukkah gift for someone who has everything?
A burglar alarm.
7. A boy sees his neighbors have a Christmas tree in their window. He asks his father, “Dad, can we get Hanukkah tree?” His father tells him absolutely not, and his son asks why. The father says, “Last time we had dealing with a lighted bush we had to spend 40 years in the desert.”
8. Out for dinner on Hanukkah, I asked the waiter if my latkes would be long. He told me the chef prefers to make them round.
9. What’s colorful, spins around and has wheels?
A dreidel, I lied about the wheels.
10. A woman goes to the post office to buy 50 Hanukkah stamps for her cards. The cashier asks, “What domination?” The woman replies, “I don’t think it matters, but I guess I’ll take 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
11. What’s white and goes up?
A confused snowflake.
12. Grandma’s been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I’ll have to let her in.
13. I asked a snowman if it was hard only being able to get seasonal work in the winter. He told me it wasn’t a problem. In the summer he temps as a puddle.
14. One snowman turns to another in the field and says, “Do you smell carrots?”
15. What do snowmen put over their baby’s crib?
16. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints.
17. People think it’s easy being a comedian in the winter. But it’s snow joke.
18. What’s the best tool to help a snowman lose weight?
19. Why do seals swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
20. How is throwing a dictionary like birds going south for the winter?
They’re both flying information.
21. I got hit in the head with a snowball. Knocked me out cold.
22. A man sends his wife a text that says, “Window’s frozen.” She texts back, “Pour some warm water over them.” 10 minutes later he writes back, “Computer’s completely ruined now.”
23. Why do hipsters love ice?
Because it was water before it was cool.
24. The skiing competition started well, but it was all downhill from there.
25. I heard Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which is a shame, he had such a great fall.
Looking for some more holiday jokes? We’ve got 50 Hilarious Christmas jokes all ready for you!