FRESNO, CA – Excited to bust out some comedic material that he had used a million times before, father of three Edward Gardner was left heartbroken upon discovering that the batteries in his stud finger were dead, thus ruining his only joke.

“Found one!” exclaimed an overjoyed Edward as he slid the device over his chest, only to realize that he forgot to replace the batteries, completely derailing his attempt at humor.

As Edward repeatedly tried waving the stud finder over his body to no avail, he dejectedly walked out of the room and began a desperate hunt for batteries, only to realize that the TV remote was dead as well and that there were no AAs to be found.

“Guess I’m not as handsome as I used to be,” joked Edward, hoping to play off his embarrassing gaffe with some self-deprecating humor. Though that joke also failed to land, as rather than laughing his wife bluntly replied, “Guess not.”

Determined to make one last effort even though the time to tell a joke has long passed, Edward is currently up in his daughter’s room removing the batteries from her talking stuffed bear, though he promises to put them back.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

JERSEY CITY, NJ – Running around the house in a panic wondering what could’ve possibly happened to them, 45-year-old Michael Taylor was found frantically searching for his favorite pair of cargo shorts, even though there were eight more identical pairs currently sitting his dresser drawer.

“These are my lucky grilling shorts,” stated Michael to his wife, knowing that they were hosting a backyard BBQ in just an hour’s time and that if he wasn’t wearing his favorite shorts then it probably wasn’t worth hosting a dinner party at all.

As Michael checked each additional pair for the tiny grease stain on the left thigh that designated his favorite shorts from the rest, he claimed that none of them were good enough, when in reality there was no discernible physical difference in the fabric whatsoever.

“Those are my mowing shorts! I can’t wear those!” yelped Michael who was now on the verge of tears, and who had spent years crafting unique purposes for each pair of plaid shorts.

Unfortunately, as Michael continued to freak out about where his shorts could have possibly gone, he failed to realize that he had put them on earlier that day and had been wearing them this whole time. If only he were to stop and take a breath then this whole issue could have been avoided.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

TUSCALOOSA, AL – Confident that one particular athlete’s abilities would propel his fantasy team to victory, albeit in a league that did not yet exist, local father, John Levine revealed that he would theoretically select himself 1st overall in a fantasy lawn mowing league.

“I’ve seen my neighbors’ lawns and they’re only capable of amassing twenty, maybe thirty points a week, whereas my lawn is worth a solid fifty,” claimed John, basing his comments on a fantasy scoring system that only he seemed to know and understand.

While John was disappointed to learn that ESPN’s fantasy sports page offered no lawncare-based leagues, he was still insistent that he would be the consensus number one pick, though conceded that Rick Henderson’s lawn was nice enough that some GMs would foolishly choose Rick first and that their teams would be doomed because of it.

“I know that my bye week comes at an inopportune time since we’re visiting the in-laws Labor Day weekend, but my lawn would get me so many points before I leave that my team would already be out to a massive lead,” said John, further stating that the bye week would help him rest up for the lawn mowing playoffs later in September.

As John went on and on about his fantasy lawn mowing prowess, he once again neglected to set his fantasy baseball lineups for a league where, due to his poor managerial skills, he currently sits in last place.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

GLENDALE, AZ – Blissfully unaware about the mix of confused and disgusted looks coming from those around him, 49-year-old Nick Davies confidently strolled down the street wearing tube socks underneath his sandals, even though doing so completely negates the purpose of wearing sandals to begin with.

“This way I don’t have to worry about putting sunscreen on my feet,” responded Nick when asked about his curious decision to couple socks with sandals, even though the point of sandals is to let your feet breath, and he’s still going to end up with an awkward ankle tan.

When told that his decision was paradoxically akin to wearing both a belt and suspenders, Nick simply shrugged his shoulders and remarked that above anything else his choice was a fashion statement, claiming—incorrectly, mind you—that tube socks were in.

“I look great and I feel great!” said a confident Nick, whose nearby children couldn’t have been more opposite, as they both looked and felt embarrassed about their dad’s regrettable footwear choice.

To Nick’s credit, his toenails were not, nor ever had been in the best of shape, so all things considered he may have been doing everyone a favor by sparing them the sight.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

KALAMAZOO, MI – Realizing that his son was stronger than he initially presumed, local father Aaron Mays found himself on the way to the emergency room to reset a dislocated finger that he suffered after asking his boy to “pull my finger.”

“Pull my fing- OW!” shouted Aaron, with a pained scream so loud that it completely muffled the sound of him farting, thus totally stripping the humor out of an otherwise grotesque hand injury.

As Aaron desperately asked his son to pull his finger one more time to set it back into place, the kid proclaimed that he’s “not falling for that one again,” leaving Aaron in immense pain to the point that he was forced to call an ambulance.

“Hello 911? My son just pulled my finger and-“ Aaron frantically said into the phone, before abruptly being hung up on by the dispatcher who clearly thought they too were being pranked.

However, this story ends on a positive note, as when the doctor finally reset Aaron’s finger he was able to let out a satisfying fart at long last, completely justifying his decision to make the joke in the first place.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

MEMPHIS, TN – Confident that he would remember each and every one of the 30+ items that he was tasked with picking up from the supermarket, local man Devin Harper is currently standing in the middle of the canned goods aisle without a single thing in his cart, realizing that he should have made a grocery list after all.

“Okay, I definitely need to pick up orange juice. Or was it apple juice? Wait, maybe it was apple butter?” muttered a panicked Devin to himself, dismissing any store employees who offered to help much like he dismissed his wife’s suggestion to make a list.

As Devin stared at the assortment of deli meats for a solid half hour racking his brain, he dialed his wife’s number into his phone, only to decide not to call since it would be more embarrassing to ask for help than it would be to spend $400 on an incorrect assortment of groceries that would ultimately go to waste.

“This was definitely on the list,” claimed a now confident Devin, as he stuffed several whole turkeys into his cart, despite the fact nobody has ever needed more than one turkey in the history of grocery shopping.

As Devin arrived home with the turkeys, fourteen bags of tortilla chips, and nine bottles of Sprite, he was met with an exhausted look from his wife, who knew full well that he’d mess up and had decided to do the shopping herself while he was gone.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

FORT WORTH, TX – In what can only be described as a twist of cruel fate, years of telling dad jokes have made it impossible for 47-year-old Michael Petty to be trusted, as not a single person in his family believes that his urgent dental appointment is actually at “tooth hurty.”

“2:30 is the only time that the dentist had available today, I’m not joking!” shouted Michael while clutching at the side of his mouth, causing his son to roll his eyes and retort, “We know you’re not joking, you’re dad. Try coming up with something new.”

As Michael desperately attempted to convince his wife to give him a ride to the dentist—as it would be unsafe for him to drive while experiencing all this pain—she simply walked away and claimed it would be nice for him to spend as much time looking for jobs as he does telling jokes.

“Hello, I’d like the reschedule my appointment,” said Michael into the phone, before being told that he would have to pay a cancellation fee since “impressing your family” is not a legitimate enough reason to cancel within 24 hours.

To make matters even worse, Michael just tripped and dislocated his finger. Unfortunately, he knows that asking anyone in his family to “pull his finger” to help set it back into place will be met with the same disinterested looks.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

RACINE, WI – What started as a harmless dad joke proved the consequences of one’s actions, as 58-year-old Kevin Miller was taken aback upon learning that his 18-year-old son had legally changed his name to “Hungry.”

“Whenever my son used to say he was hungry, I would reply, ‘Hello, Hungry, I’m Dad.’ It was supposed to be a goof—I didn’t think it would leave a lasting impact,” lamented Kevin, unaware that over the years he had actually referred to his son as “Hungry” more times than he had by his birth name.

Kevin was further shocked to learn that his 15-year-old daughter had plans to change her name to “Tired,” though there are still a few more years until she’s old enough to legally make the switch.

“I’m not sure if this is a sign that I should stop making dad jokes, or if it just proves that my jokes are funnier and more impactful than I ever thought,” pondered Kevin, oblivious that his dad jokes were the single greatest source of embarrassment for the entire family.

When Kevin asked his son if he was serious, the newly-named child replied, “No, I’m Hungry.”

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

LITTLE ROCK, AR – Panicked that his trusty New Balance sneakers were nowhere to be found, 59-year-old Ronald Harper’s fears were confirmed upon finding them in the laundry room, as he realized that his wife had removed the grass stains from his beloved 15-year-old lawn mowing shoes.

“Those were some pesky stains and I worked for hours to get them out, but now the shoes look brand new!” exclaimed Ronald’s wife Joanna, clearly oblivious that Ronald wore those stains as a badge of honor and that her kind gesture effectively undid over a decade of laborious yardwork.

As Ronald managed a forced smile and insincere thank you, he began to internally question whether it was worth it to ever mow again, fearful that his new neighbors would judge and ridicule him for being a rookie lawnmower if they were to catch a glimpse of his pristinely clean shoes.

“They look great… Just like the day I bought them…” said Ronald before bursting into tears, claiming that he was crying tears of joy when in reality nothing more devastating had ever happened to him in his entire life.

In a desperate, last-ditch effort, Ronald hurried to his grandson’s box of crayons, promptly removed a green one, and begin drawing on the shoes in hopes of replicating the grass stains he had worked so hard to achieve.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

TULSA, OK – Having just seen a local news report about a bomb that was successfully defused by a remote-control robot, local dad Evan McCann pondered if that same technology could be applied to changing diapers, adding that bomb defusing and diaper changing possess many of the same risks.

“Much like you want to avoid getting hit with shrapnel, you also need to be careful not to get covered in poop,” claimed Evan, who was immediately hung up on by his local police precinct as they informed him that the bomb squad was far too busy to help change his infant’s poop filled diapers three times a day.

“Bombs are ultra-rare, but dirty diapers are everywhere. It just seems like a waste of taxpayer money for that robot to sit there gathering dust while dads everywhere are holding their noses and gagging,” complained Evan to his disinterested wife, who performed the bulk of the diaper changing anyway thus making Evan’s interest in this robot all the more curious since diaper duty rarely affected him.

As Evan scoured the internet for available robotic alternatives, he briefly considered purchasing a drone since it was capable of doing double duty; not only could a drone potentially help change diapers, but with a steady enough hand, it could perform their son’s circumcision as well.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

DES MOINES, IA – Expecting his birthday presents to be more of the same ties and cufflinks he had received in years past, 70-year-old Hector Lopez was completely blown away when his kids surprised him by restoring his old 1960s Ford Thunderbird, though they were unable to do the same for his heavily receded hairline.

“This is the most wonderful gift anyone has ever gotten me,” gushed Hector, as he rubbed his cue ball head in disbelief, blissfully unaware that his children had put over $20,000 into refurbishing his beloved teenage car whereas it would’ve cost an infinitesimal amount more to research a cure for his late age baldness.

But the gifts didn’t end there, as Hector’s son and three daughters provided him with a matching red jacket, driving gloves, and a plethora of sunscreen—a much-needed addition to his glove compartment since last time he drove this convertible he had a full head of hair and never had to worry about getting a burnt scalp.

“It looks just like it used to,” muttered a teary-eyed Hector, staring at his car in disbelief, clearly referring to the car itself and not his own reflection in the freshly waxed hood.

As Hector took the car for a spin, his children all agreed that the investment was well worth their father’s happiness, even though a toupee would’ve cost thousands less and still probably helped his self-esteem to some degree.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

JUNEAU, AK – Having misplaced his dentures sometime earlier in the day, 84-year-old Jonathan Mabry will be surprised to see that the Tooth Fairy made a visit when he wakes up tomorrow morning, as his son snuck into his bedroom and slipped a $5 bill under the pillow as a reward for losing his acrylic teeth.

“When I was a kid it was so much fun to get up and find money under my pillow, so I figured it would be a nice little gesture to do the same for my dad,” said Jonathan’s son Marcus, whose $5 reward will serve as a small step towards replacing his father’s missing $2,000 set of dentures.

Marcus went on to admit that the small cash reward was the least he could do, as he found more than double that amount lodged in the couch cushions while searching for his dad’s dentures. And knowing that his father isn’t getting any younger, it’s only a matter of time until Jonathan loses his eventual new set of dentures, leaving Marcus well prepared to issue another reward at that time.

“He’s going to be so giddy when he reaches under that pillow and finds those $5. On second thought, I’m not sure he’ll even bother to look. And even if he did his eyesight is so bad that he might not even notice the money,” worried Marcus, as he began to openly rethink his playful idea.

Ironically, had Marcus stuck his hand under the pillow just a few more inches when he was placing the money, he would’ve found the missing dentures in question.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

SCRANTON, PA – After a promising start to the year that saw the purchase of a new mower and sun hat, 63-year-old David Hale suffered an unexpected ankle injury while tending to his backyard earlier today, leaving his status for the rest of the lawn care season in serious jeopardy.

“I can keep mowing, it doesn’t hurt that bad,” cried a defiant David while holding onto his ankle in agony, before ultimately being removed from the yard by his wife Beverly who, after consulting the family doctor, concluded that David was in no condition to continue.

As David sat on the couch wistfully looking out the window at his beloved yard, he felt disappointment more than anything, knowing that his injury might mean having to hire a landscaping company which in turn could threaten his veteran status as the Hale household’s lawn guru.

“We’re looking at a minimum 6-week recovery period, but considering the severity of the sprain it’s more likely to be several months,” stated David’s orthopedist Dr. Miller, who lives down the street and was secretly overjoyed considering his yard usually pales in comparison to David’s.

While there’s no telling if David will be able to mow again before cold weather hits, he’s determined to rehab and return to form. Though considering this injury coupled with his recent hip replacement, it wouldn’t be a shock if he were to retire from mowing for good.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.