HIALEAH, FL – In a stern warning to his children with regards to their Halloween haul, local father Nick Wallace cautioned his kids against eating too much candy or else they’d suffer stomach pains, which ironically are what Nick seems to be suffering from at this very moment.

“If you eat too much candy, you’ll get a stomach ache,” advised Nick, before abruptly dry heaving and clutching at his belly, which may be a clue as to where his children’s missing candy disappeared to.

While Nick rolled around on the couch in agony, his kids concluded—and rightfully so—that he was the reason there seemed to be fewer Twix bars in each of their candy bags than they had remembered, leaving them to doubt whether their dad’s warning came with good intentions or if he was just trying to distract from his own transgressions.

“Trust me, you don’t want to end up laying on the sofa feeling like you’re going to throw up. Now if you’ll excuse me…” said Nick, just prior to bolting out of the room and into the bathroom where vomiting sounds could be heard.

Confirming their suspicions, Nick’s children found several discarded candy wrappers in the trashcan located in their dad’s man cave, making them hesitant to ever listen to their father’s advice ever again.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

ROCHESTER, NY – In what has been self-described as the sickest, most creative burn that he’s ever come up with, 43-year-old Peter Wyatt said, “That’s a scary mask,” to a trick-or-treater who approached his door, even though the child wasn’t even wearing one.

“Get it? It’s funny because you’re not wearing a mask!” continued Peter, desperately trying to get a laugh out of the kid who was clearly more interested in candy than listening to dad jokes, especially since he had already heard the same joke at a few previous houses in the last hour.

As the trick-or-treater departed from Peter’s doorstep, Peter was certain that the kid would go and tell all their friends about the cool, funny dad who was handing out candy, which would give Peter plenty more opportunities tonight to tell what he considered to be the perfect joke.

“That’s a scary mask! …Did you hear me? I said, that’s a scary mask!” repeated Peter to the next set of trick-or-treaters who he thought didn’t hear him, when in reality they were just ignoring him and focusing on the candy.

As things stand, Peter has noticed fewer and fewer trick-or-treaters coming by his house, probably because word finally got around that he was telling awful jokes to anyone who rang his doorbell.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Decked out wearing a vintage Jerry Rice jersey and holding his lucky autographed football, Bay Area resident Gerald West spent Halloween dressed up as a 49ers superfan, which just so happens to be what he also dresses as every other day of his life.

“You’ve got a great costume, I wish I dressed up too!” said Gerald to a trick-or-treater at his door, thus confusing the child who had initially thought Gerald was dressed up like a football player specifically for the holiday, when in reality Gerald has worn at least one piece of 49ers apparel every day since 1987.

While Gerald had stocked up on plenty of popcorn and beer for the 49ers-Cardinals game taking place Halloween night, he had neglected to buy any candy having not even realized it was Halloween to begin with, leaving him no choice but to hand out popcorn to most trick-or-treaters and beer to their parents.

“No, get out of here!” screamed Gerald at a child who showed up at his door wearing Seahawks apparel, before realizing that the child probably wasn’t trying to antagonize him by wearing rival gear, but rather that the kid was most likely dressing up as the scariest thing he could imagine.

Even though Gerald has been more than happy to answer the door for most of the day, anyone who arrives after the 49ers game starts will have to wait until the half, because no amount of doorbell ringing is going to force Gerald to miss a single drive even if it results in his house getting egged.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

FORT WAYNE, IN – Attempting to put a particularly shameful moment from his past behind him without anyone finding out, 42-year-old Curtis Powell snuck out of his house in the middle of the night, walked down the block to a darkened alleyway, and quietly disposed of his old indoor appliance in a dumpster.

“You didn’t see anything,” said Curtis, as he slipped a $5 bill to a random passerby at the end of the alley, in a desperate effort to keep it secret that he had used an indoor grill back in his university dormitory, which wouldn’t fly today considering his family and friends are fully aware he’s a self-proclaimed grill master.

While Curtis originally considered either donating the grill or perhaps selling it at a tag sale, he realized the risk was far too great that one of his buddies would see him carrying the appliance and call him out on it, a shame that would be impossible to live down at every future backyard BBQ.

“I just hope there’s no photographic evidence, or else I’ll have to burn those images,” said an increasingly paranoid Curtis, aware that there may be several images out there of him grilling up novice-level burgers at the dorm parties that he and his roommates used to host.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

CINCINNATI, OH – Having utilized a single pair of sneakers for the majority of his prolific yardwork career, 35-year-old Geoff Miller now realizes it might be time to give back to the fans, as he’s considering donating his yard shoes to the Lawn Mowing Hall of Fame.

“These shoes have been on my feet for some iconic moments, from when I conquered the crabgrass back in 2013 to that time in 2016 when I mowed the entire lawn despite having the flu. I think it’s time I shared them with the world,” said a proud Geoff, whose decision was made a little easier by the fact he was just gifted some New Balances with terrific arch support.

The Lawn Mowing Hall of Fame possesses some of the greatest artifacts in lawn history, such as Bill Clevinger’s green-tinted cargo shorts, Horace Wilson’s sweat-stained sunhat, and Nick Galef’s trustworthy E160 lawn tractor, making Geoff’s yard shoes the perfect potential addition to an already impressive collection.

“We’ve been in talks with Geoff for quite some time and would display his shoes in a place of honor,” said museum curator Ty McCarthy, who also hinted at a possible induction for Geoff in the upcoming Hall of Fame class.

While it seems inevitable, Geoff has yet to officially retire the shoes, as he hopes to let them ride off into the sunset by wearing them for one final mow in anticipation of next weekend’s big family reunion.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

GREENSBORO, NC – Having ran into his screaming son’s bedroom in a panic, local father Oscar Molina assessed the situation and realized there was nothing for his child to worry about, as he reassured his boy that the monster in the closet wasn’t as scary as the one under the bed.

“When I heard my son, Jonathan, crying, I feared the worst. But when he claimed that he was worried about the monster in his closet I made sure to comfort him and say, ‘Kid, you’ve got bigger problems than that,’” said Oscar, pointing under Jonathan’s bed in the direction of the heinous creature that posed a greater risk to his son and especially any of his friends should they ever sleep on the floor during a sleepover.

To prove to his son that there was nothing to fear, Oscar walked into the closet and emerged unscathed, but then as he approached the bed again, he was bitten pretty badly on the toe and had to run out of the room to grab a bandage.

“Sleep tight, and remember, don’t let your arm dangle off the bed,” said Oscar as he turned off the lights and shut the door, content that he had put his son’s concerns at ease.

While Jonathan continued to cry throughout the night, Oscar knew that his son was still perfectly fine, considering that if the monster under the bed got to him then there would be total silence.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

QUEENS, NY – In a series of last-minute announcements over the PA system, passengers on the upcoming flight from LaGuardia to LAX have been reminded that they are free to use their phones and laptops as they please, because their cool as hell pilot doesn’t give a shit if they put their electronics in airplane mode.

“Keep it on, turn it off, you and I both know it doesn’t interfere with anything,” said pilot Kevin Austin in the most chill tone possible, before confirming over the PA that he’d turn a blind eye if anyone wanted to join the mile-high club.

Despite FAA regulations prohibiting doing so, passengers started opening their devices to stream Netflix, text their friends, and blare Spotify, as the captain chimed in once again to reiterate that what happens on his plane, stays on his plane.

“If we experience turbulence, one of you mofos best be streaming AC/DC’s ‘Highway To Hell’ the whole way, kapeesh?” continued Kevin as the plane officially took off, leaving passengers no choice but to accept Kevin’s set of laissez-faire rules for the sky.

Shortly after departure, witnesses on the ground saw Kevin pull off a couple of barrel rolls and even an impressive backflip before the flight continued on its normal route to Los Angeles.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

ASBURY PARK, NJ – In what was initially thought to be a monumental archaeological discovery, a team of scientists from Princeton University mistook a pair of well-used lawn mowing shoes for an ancient Roman artifact, believing the sneakers to be centuries old when in fact they were just extremely dirty from hundreds of hours spent working in the backyard.

“We had no idea the Roman Empire extended this far. This discovery could rewrite the history books,” said chief archaeologist Oliver Wright, before being informed that the shoes belonged to 41-year-old Noah Miller and that the reason they looked so old was that Noah wore them while mowing the lawn every Sunday for the last eighteen years.

The team from Princeton was all but certain that the shoes dated back to the time of Augustus until one researcher looked inside the tongue and found, written in faded sharpie, “Please return to Noah Miller if found.”

“We are extremely disappointed to learn that the shoes are not from ancient Rome, but rather that they were purchased at a Payless in the early 2000s,” continued Oliver, before promptly returning the sneakers to Noah, who was planning to mow the lawn this weekend and couldn’t find them anywhere.

While at first, it appeared that the shoes were destined for a prolific spot within the antiquities wing at The British Museum, it now seems they’ll remain in Noah’s mudroom closet for the foreseeable future.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

KENOSHA, WI – Disappointed that her hard work and entrepreneurial spirit may not have produced the results she had hoped, 7-year-old Ellen Coleman sat patiently waiting at her lemonade stand for the next customer to show, unaware of reports that she would raise more money if her lemonade stand sold beer instead.

“The only reason 95% of adults drink lemonade is out of charity for the kid, whereas if Ellen were selling beer, she would have a line down the block,” said Ellen’s dad Blake, who cited the town’s self-described “archaic” alcohol laws that prevented 7-year-olds from selling alcohol.

While Ellen hoped her lemonade stand would help raise enough money to purchase a new bike, that appears far from likely considering how most people are unwilling to spend $1 on a drink that doesn’t taste all that great, and would rather save their money to drink beer with their pals – a fact that Ellen completely overlooked while she stocked up on lemons instead of kegs.

“We applied for an alcohol permit but definitely won’t have it until next summer at the earliest,” continued Blake, who chalked this up to a learning experience for his daughter to show her that she would get nowhere in the beverage business unless she could compete with Anheuser-Busch at their own game.

After waiting for hours, Ellen was delighted to finally see a customer approach her lemonade stand. However, that customer walked away without making a purchase after ordering a vodka lemonade and being told that the lemonade was the whole drink, not a mixer.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

SYRACUSE, NY – In what many neighborhood residents described as an utterly surreal sight, 9-year-old Mikey Davis was seen delivering newspapers door to door earlier this morning, suggesting he must be a time traveler from the 1980s since it’s not like anyone reads the paper anymore.

“I thought time traveling was just something you see in movies, but I saw that kid with my own two eyes,” claimed local dad Tyler Meadows, who noted that digital media has all but killed the print market, and that there’s no way a Gen Z child would consider newspaper delivery a financially viable summer job.

As residents of the cul-de-sac watched curiously from their windows, one man emerged from his home and asked the boy what year it was only to be met with a confused stare that offered no answers, which makes sense since a kid from any decade would have the same look on their face if asked such a dumb question.

“If he were delivering iPads or Kindles door to door then I would understand. But newspapers? This kid is either a time traveler or from another planet,” stated Tyler, who told his family to close the blinds and hide just in case this was the first sign of an alien invasion.

While many townsfolk were initially fascinated with Mikey’s presence, their attention quickly turned to a man who was seen delivering milk to a nearby house. Many residents became convinced that the man was a time traveler from the 1950s, though in reality he just worked for Amazon.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

GARLAND, TX – Agonizing over the toughest decisions he’s ever had to make as a veteran fantasy manager and a new dad, local man Earl Davidson remains at a loss for what to do, as his football draft falls on the same day as his toddler’s birthday.

“It’s his second birthday, not his first, so it isn’t as big of a deal as it could be,” said Earl, desperately trying to justify in his mind why his company’s fantasy draft would take precedence over a party that, in Earl’s defense, his son probably wouldn’t even remember.

As Earl frantically paced around pondering which drafted text message to send – one to his friends explaining why he would be auto-drafting this year, and another to his wife claiming that he would probably only miss the first hour or two of the party – he thought for a brief second about making his toddler’s birthday fantasy football-themed, only to conclude that his wife probably wouldn’t go for that.

“It’s my league’s tenth anniversary, and that’s a big milestone! Our son is going to have a lot more birthdays, whereas the league could fold any year now,” rehearsed Earl in the bathroom mirror, practicing a speech he would attempt to deliver to his wife later that evening.

While still uncertain of which event to prioritize, Earl is now trending towards attending his toddler’s birthday, realizing that failing to do so may result in the couch being his permanent sleeping arrangement.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

KNOXVILLE, TN – With many in attendance either being utterly disinterested or distracted by external factors such as cake, reports out of the Miller family’s gender reveal party claim that 90% of guests leaving the event were still unaware of the baby’s gender.

“I wasn’t paying attention, I was playing Cornhole halfway across the lawn with Mike,” argued one attendee while he was headed home with his girlfriend, who also had no idea what gender the baby was having been more preoccupied with the open wine bar.

As guests left the party still oblivious as to the result, many hoped the couple would make a Facebook post in the coming days revealing the gender, and decided to hold off on buying any blue or pink baby gifts until they did so.

“The only reason I’m here is because I live next door and heard there would be snacks. Is it a girl? A boy? Honestly, I didn’t know this was a gender reveal until just now,” said the Millers’ neighbor Dale, who conducted this interview in between bites of chips and salsa.

To make matters more confusing, the Millers are actually having twins—a boy and a girl—which explains why they were so confused and insulted when one guest leaving the party said, “Congrats on having a boy!”

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

PASADENA, CA – Despite having gone out to celebrate a college friend’s birthday late into the night and still being hungover because of it, local dad Darryl Evans was tasked with watching his children the next day, and while doing so masterfully executed the perfect game of Hide-and-Seek.

“I can’t find daddy anywhere,” said Darryl’s daughter Maria, unaware that her father had pounded three tequila shots and six IPAs the evening before and was now completely passed out under the covers in his bedroom.

As Darryl’s kids explored every inch of the house in search of their father, they neglected to check their parents’ bedroom—which is normally off-limits—even though their dad’s chainsaw-like snoring should’ve been a dead giveaway he was inside.

“I give up, let’s play video games,” conceded Darryl’s son Trevor, thus solidifying a victory for Darryl, who had not only forgotten he was playing Hide-and-Seek but remembered very little about the night before—including when he spilled his beer everywhere while attempting to carry it in the pocket of his cargo shorts until the bouncer suggested he go home.

Darryl’s reign as Hide-and-Seek champion didn’t last long, as it only took his wife a matter of seconds to find him when she got home from work as all she had to do was follow the trail of IPA on the carpet.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.