Ben Kleinman or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Ben Kleinman

Man Devastated When Wife Removes Grass Stains From Lawn Mowing Shoes

Wife Removes Grass Stains From Mowing Shoes
(Getty/courtneyk)

LITTLE ROCK, AR – Panicked that his trusty New Balance sneakers were nowhere to be found, 59-year-old Ronald Harper’s fears were confirmed upon finding them in the laundry room, as he realized that his wife had removed the grass stains from his beloved 15-year-old lawn mowing shoes.

“Those were some pesky stains and I worked for hours to get them out, but now the shoes look brand new!” exclaimed Ronald’s wife Joanna, clearly oblivious that Ronald wore those stains as a badge of honor and that her kind gesture effectively undid over a decade of laborious yardwork.

As Ronald managed a forced smile and insincere thank you, he began to internally question whether it was worth it to ever mow again, fearful that his new neighbors would judge and ridicule him for being a rookie lawnmower if they were to catch a glimpse of his pristinely clean shoes.

“They look great… Just like the day I bought them…” said Ronald before bursting into tears, claiming that he was crying tears of joy when in reality nothing more devastating had ever happened to him in his entire life.

In a desperate, last-ditch effort, Ronald hurried to his grandson’s box of crayons, promptly removed a green one, and begin drawing on the shoes in hopes of replicating the grass stains he had worked so hard to achieve.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Wonders if He Can Hire Bomb Squad Robot to Change Son’s Diaper

Dad Wonders if Bomb Squad Robot Can Change Diaper
(Getty/Yuri_Arcurs/Onfokus)

TULSA, OK – Having just seen a local news report about a bomb that was successfully defused by a remote-control robot, local dad Evan McCann pondered if that same technology could be applied to changing diapers, adding that bomb defusing and diaper changing possess many of the same risks.

“Much like you want to avoid getting hit with shrapnel, you also need to be careful not to get covered in poop,” claimed Evan, who was immediately hung up on by his local police precinct as they informed him that the bomb squad was far too busy to help change his infant’s poop filled diapers three times a day.

“Bombs are ultra-rare, but dirty diapers are everywhere. It just seems like a waste of taxpayer money for that robot to sit there gathering dust while dads everywhere are holding their noses and gagging,” complained Evan to his disinterested wife, who performed the bulk of the diaper changing anyway thus making Evan’s interest in this robot all the more curious since diaper duty rarely affected him.

As Evan scoured the internet for available robotic alternatives, he briefly considered purchasing a drone since it was capable of doing double duty; not only could a drone potentially help change diapers, but with a steady enough hand, it could perform their son’s circumcision as well.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Kids Restore Dad’s Old Thunderbird, Can’t Do Same for His Hairline

Kids Restore Dads Car, Not Hairline
(Getty/Fuse)

DES MOINES, IA – Expecting his birthday presents to be more of the same ties and cufflinks he had received in years past, 70-year-old Hector Lopez was completely blown away when his kids surprised him by restoring his old 1960s Ford Thunderbird, though they were unable to do the same for his heavily receded hairline.

“This is the most wonderful gift anyone has ever gotten me,” gushed Hector, as he rubbed his cue ball head in disbelief, blissfully unaware that his children had put over $20,000 into refurbishing his beloved teenage car whereas it would’ve cost an infinitesimal amount more to research a cure for his late age baldness.

But the gifts didn’t end there, as Hector’s son and three daughters provided him with a matching red jacket, driving gloves, and a plethora of sunscreen—a much-needed addition to his glove compartment since last time he drove this convertible he had a full head of hair and never had to worry about getting a burnt scalp.

“It looks just like it used to,” muttered a teary-eyed Hector, staring at his car in disbelief, clearly referring to the car itself and not his own reflection in the freshly waxed hood.

As Hector took the car for a spin, his children all agreed that the investment was well worth their father’s happiness, even though a toupee would’ve cost thousands less and still probably helped his self-esteem to some degree.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Son Puts $5 Under Elderly Father’s Pillow as Reward for Lost Dentures

(Getty/JGI/Tom Grill)

JUNEAU, AK – Having misplaced his dentures sometime earlier in the day, 84-year-old Jonathan Mabry will be surprised to see that the Tooth Fairy made a visit when he wakes up tomorrow morning, as his son snuck into his bedroom and slipped a $5 bill under the pillow as a reward for losing his acrylic teeth.

“When I was a kid it was so much fun to get up and find money under my pillow, so I figured it would be a nice little gesture to do the same for my dad,” said Jonathan’s son Marcus, whose $5 reward will serve as a small step towards replacing his father’s missing $2,000 set of dentures.

Marcus went on to admit that the small cash reward was the least he could do, as he found more than double that amount lodged in the couch cushions while searching for his dad’s dentures. And knowing that his father isn’t getting any younger, it’s only a matter of time until Jonathan loses his eventual new set of dentures, leaving Marcus well prepared to issue another reward at that time.

“He’s going to be so giddy when he reaches under that pillow and finds those $5. On second thought, I’m not sure he’ll even bother to look. And even if he did his eyesight is so bad that he might not even notice the money,” worried Marcus, as he began to openly rethink his playful idea.

Ironically, had Marcus stuck his hand under the pillow just a few more inches when he was placing the money, he would’ve found the missing dentures in question.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Rolls His Ankle While Mowing Lawn, Might be Out For Season

Dad Rolls Ankle Mowing Lawn
(Getty/Image Source)

SCRANTON, PA – After a promising start to the year that saw the purchase of a new mower and sun hat, 63-year-old David Hale suffered an unexpected ankle injury while tending to his backyard earlier today, leaving his status for the rest of the lawn care season in serious jeopardy.

“I can keep mowing, it doesn’t hurt that bad,” cried a defiant David while holding onto his ankle in agony, before ultimately being removed from the yard by his wife Beverly who, after consulting the family doctor, concluded that David was in no condition to continue.

As David sat on the couch wistfully looking out the window at his beloved yard, he felt disappointment more than anything, knowing that his injury might mean having to hire a landscaping company which in turn could threaten his veteran status as the Hale household’s lawn guru.

“We’re looking at a minimum 6-week recovery period, but considering the severity of the sprain it’s more likely to be several months,” stated David’s orthopedist Dr. Miller, who lives down the street and was secretly overjoyed considering his yard usually pales in comparison to David’s.

While there’s no telling if David will be able to mow again before cold weather hits, he’s determined to rehab and return to form. Though considering this injury coupled with his recent hip replacement, it wouldn’t be a shock if he were to retire from mowing for good.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Reluctantly Dips Into Lawn Fund to Start Saving for Son’s College Education

Dad Dips Into Lawn Fund
(Getty/Wavebreakmedia)

COLUMBIA, SC – Having to make a difficult decision between the two things he loves most, local father A.J. Smith reluctantly conceded that it was time to begin saving for his son’s college, even if it came at the expense of keeping his front lawn lush and trim this coming summer.

“My son’s education is of the utmost importance, definitely not winning our neighborhood’s best lawn competition,” said A.J. through his teeth, who noted that he had come in second the past several years and would probably remain the runner-up so long as the money he was saving for a new mower was instead allocated towards a future Ivy League tuition.

As A.J. began transferring funds from one account to another, he noticed his single, childless neighbor watering their perfect lawn across the street, confident that they would win this year’s competition since they had no loved ones to spend money on—money that could otherwise be put towards much-needed lawn maintenance.

“Part of being a good parent is sacrificing the one goal you’ve been working towards for years,” uttered a somber A.J., who then went over to the couch and quietly flipped through a John Deere catalog of now unattainable treasures, while his 6-year-old son gleefully ran around the living room shouting, “I’m going to Harvard! Thank you, daddy!”

It wasn’t until moments later that A.J. perked up as he found a discounted lawn gnome on Amazon, which would surely solidify a top-3 finish even if it’s all he could afford.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Heartwarming Photo Contains Three Generations of Overbearing Fathers

Three Generations of Overbearing Dada
(Getty/Ariel Skelley)

SAN ANTONIO, TX – In a heartwarming moment at this past weekend’s Jackson family reunion, 87-year-old Thomas, 55-year-old Trevor, and 24-year-old Nathan took a few moments away from criticizing their offspring to pose for a photo that depicts three generations of extremely overbearing fathers.

“You’re not smiling wide enough! This is supposed to be a nice photo, you idiot!” shouted Thomas at his son Trevor just moments before the picture was snapped, which ended up coming out great and made no implication that the men had been fighting just moments prior.

As the photographer instructed the three dads to get in tighter for another picture, the blame immediately shifted to Nathan for that being an issue to begin with, before Trevor took him aside and berated him for not crouching down knowing full well that his grandfather was much shorter.

“Can you get that baby out of here? His crying is so distracting!” yelled Nathan to his wife Melanie, frustrated that his own 1-year-old son was ruining his ability to focus on the moment that the three fathers felt an obligation to partake in, even though they were all fuming at one another.

While the process experienced some bumps along the way, the photo turned out to be a beautiful memory that will last a lifetime, even though it’s in no way indicative of the relationship each father had with their son.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Husband Pretty Sure Wife’s Best Friend’s Name Starts With ‘K’

Husband Baffled by Wife's Friend's Name
(Getty/Tom Werner)

DOVER, DE – Sitting across the table from his wife and her bestie, 32-year-old David Lofton spent the majority of their friendly brunch futilely attempting to remember the name of the woman who had served as a bridesmaid at his wedding, though he’s pretty sure it starts with K.

“K is definitely the first letter unless her full name is Kay?” pondered a silent David, who was more wrapped up in his own panicked thoughts than he was engaging in the conversation, which he would randomly nod along with as to make it appear like he was listening.

At one point David excused himself to go to the bathroom so he could take out his phone and scour his wife’s Facebook friend list, only to realize that his wife was friends with a lot of people whose names began with K, and even less who had a clear profile picture allowing him to see their faces.

“Kimberly! Karen! Did I say Kimberly?” wondered David, who suddenly had an ingenious idea when his wife’s friend offered to pay the check. Unfortunately, before he could catch a glimpse of the name on her credit card, David’s wife insisted that they cover the check, leaving him out of luck.

As David could only muster a, “Goodbye, you!” as they parted ways after brunch, he left the restaurant as uninformed as he had been when he entered, painfully unaware that his wife, Katie, and her friend shared the same name.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Remembers ’80s Game-Winning Packers Drive, Forgets Today Is His Wedding Anniversary

Packers' Drive
(Getty/Hero Images)

GREEN BAY, WI – Sitting in his dimly lit man cave drinking brewskis and sharing stories with an old college buddy and their two sons, 61-year-old Robert Gibson suddenly launched into a vivid description of the most incredible ending to a Packers game he ever saw, painfully unaware that his wife was upstairs taking off her makeup after she came to the conclusion that there was no anniversary surprise in store after all.

“It was October 17th, 1983,” said Robert, proving he had an excellent memory for dates thus making it all the more surprising that he had no idea today was his 30th wedding anniversary.

As Robert expertly recounted photographic details about the game—including the fact Green Bay kicker Jan Stenerud hit a field goal with 54 seconds left to put the Packers up over the Redskins for good—he failed to remember the most important detail of all: that he had promised his wife Sara never to forget their anniversary again after skipping it last year to see a Steppenwolf cover band perform.

“Watching the Packers win that game was the greatest day of my life, and marrying Sara was second!” joked Robert causing those in attendance to burst out in laughter, which in turn covered the sound of Sara wheeling a suitcase downstairs and slamming the front door on her way to stay with her sister for a few days.

It wasn’t until about 30 minutes later that Robert finally realized he had made a huge, inexcusable mistake, as he had completely forgotten to set his fantasy baseball lineup that morning.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Interrupts Daughter’s Swing at Piñata to Demonstrate Fundamentals

Pinata Dad
(Getty/Beth Rooney)

SEATTLE, WA – Noticing his 6-year-old daughter’s feet weren’t planted and that she was taking his eyes off the proverbial ball, local father Michael Sweeney interrupted the piñata breaking portion of his child’s birthday to remind all kids in attendance about the importance of drilling home the fundamentals if they hope to make the big leagues someday.

“Keep your hands back, feet balanced, and you may end up having a hall of fame career just like Ichiro,” preached Michael to the crowd of disinterested first graders, many of whom cared less about their future athletic prospects and more about eating chocolate right now until they puked.

Like any good coach and father, Michael refused to allow his daughter to take another hack at the piñata without proper instruction first, fearing that it may reinforce bad habits. Instead, Michael broke the piñata himself with an absolutely gorgeous swing thus proving the value in learning the fundamentals, and then rewarded himself by picking up all of the candy and saving it for later.

“Trust me, it’ll be good for these kids in the long run,” said Michael, who had made that very same claim at his daughter’s birthday the previous year when he interrupted a game of musical chairs to teach everyone the benefits of keeping a low center of gravity.

When Michael noticed that many of the partygoers were crying over not getting any candy, he realized that he may have gone too far. But all was not lost, as Michael had a spare piñata that he then placed on a tee so the children could continue to practice their fundamentals until their parents came to pick them up.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Student Donates His Half-Time 3-Point Food Prize to Homeless Shelter [WATCH]

Student Donates Food Prize to Shelter
(WIBW News)

If there’s one thing in this world that I care about most it’s burritos. Sorry family, but until you cover yourselves in guacamole you’re going to remain in a distant second place. So when I heard that Kansas State freshman Cameron Koger won a year’s supply of burritos I was incredibly envious.

But it was what happened after winning the prize that proved Cameron is a better person than I am. Heck, if I were lucky enough to win 52 burritos they would probably be gone and in my stomach in a matter of 52 hours, let alone 52 weeks. But not Cameron, who decided it was more important to donate his delicious prize to charity rather than consume it all himself, and rightfully so.

At a recent Kansas State basketball game, Cameron won a 3-point competition sponsored by Qdoba and took home a voucher for 52 entrees. But after multiple days of being begged by friends to split the prize, Cameron posted this selfless message on social media:


Having studied food insecurity, Cameron knew that his city of Manhattan, Kansas had the highest rate of food insecurity in the entire state, thus making his charitable decision to help out an obvious one.

What’s even more incredible is that Qdoba took note of Cameron’s generosity and doubled down on his pledge:

“We’ll be able to feed up to 120 people,” said Jessica Wilkus, Volunteer and Donations Coordinator at the Manhattan Emergency Shelter. 120 people is no small number, so if you too win a 3-point competition for dozens of free burritos then consider donating them to your local homeless shelter, as tempting as it may be to eat them all.

To learn more about Cameron, Qdoba, and the Manhattan Emergency Shelter feel free to check out the video below:

And for more amazing acts of edible generosity, check out this story about a famous rapper who let his generosity run rampant at a Miami supermarket.

Lost Teddy Goes on an Adventure Through State Park With Rangers

Lost Teddy Goes on an Adventure
(Facebook/South Carolina State Parks)

There is nothing worse than losing your beloved teddy bear. Not stepping on a Lego. Not finding out the mower is out of gas. Not even being woken up at 6am because your kid flooded the bathroom trying to flush a bath towel down the toilet, falling back asleep thinking you dreamed it, and then waking up an hour later to $5,000 in water damage. That definitely didn’t happen to me.

So when young Thompson left his teddy bear behind after a family vacation to Myrtle Beach State Park in South Carolina, he was understandably distressed. Thankfully the black market for stuffed bears is unusually thin at the moment, so when park rangers discovered Thompson’s bear after a panicked phone call from his family, they decided it wasn’t worth listing it on Craigslist—instead, they took it on an adventure.

What ensued was a wild series of events for the stuffed bear that would make even the most unstuffed of humans envious.

From scenic selfies:

Bear Selfie
(Facebook/South Carolina State Parks)

To sitting on this sign:

Bear Sign
(Facebook/South Carolina State Parks)

To chilling on this chair:

Bear Chair
(Facebook/South Carolina State Parks)

To cruising in this car:

Bear Car
(Facebook/South Carolina State Parks)

Heck, the bear even looked through a pair of binoculars using its mouth:

Bear Binoculars
(Facebook/South Carolina State Parks)

On second thought, sitting down a lot and putting your mouth on a dirty pair of binoculars doesn’t sound like the greatest of adventures, but it’s the thought that counts! Young Thompson was very appreciative that the park rangers kept his bear safe, sending them this adorable picture as a thank you:

Bear Thanks
(Facebook/South Carolina State Parks)

What started as a harrowing situation turned into a heartwarming tale of lighthearted fun, and Thompson was ultimately reunited with the bear! Unfortunately for Thompson’s dad, the wallet he also left behind was mysteriously missing $10, but maybe we can just chalk that up to a finder’s fee.

This Teddy had some fun, but I’d wager this stuffed unicorn lost at a brewery has some better stories. 

5 MLB Prospects to Watch This Season Whose Dads Were Pros

Vlad Sr & Jr
(Twitter/VladGuerrero27 Getty/Mike Ehrmann)

The 2019 baseball season is upon us, and like most Yankees fans I’m hoping for one simple thing: for the Red Sox to go 0-162. I’d settle for them going 7-155, but that’s about as much as I can handle when it comes to the Red Sox succeeding. Yes, last year was difficult on me.

My personal seething hatred aside, I’m not the only one who’ll be paying close attention this season. In fact, there are a number of former major leaguers from the ‘70s, ‘80s, ‘90s, and ‘00s whose sons are finally old and talented enough to be knocking on the door of the big leagues themselves. These fathers will no doubt be keeping an eye on their offspring’s success, and you should too. Here are a just a handful of second-generation big leaguers-to-be to stay on the lookout for in 2019.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr.

The undisputed #1 prospect in all of baseball, Vladdy Jr. is—as if it weren’t obvious enough from the name—the son of Hall of Famer Vladimir Guerrero, who played for the Expos, Angels, Rangers, and Orioles throughout his illustrious 16-year career.

Vladdy turned heads with his performance in the Blue Jays minor league system in 2018, batting .381 with 20 home runs in just 95 games. But perhaps his most memorable moment occurred while playing in a spring training game last March at Olympic Stadium in Montreal—the very same stadium where his father rose to prominence in the ’90s. Check out the video below:

Vlad is expected to be called up by Toronto Blue Jays come the end of April, that is assuming they aren’t already eliminated from playoff contention. Yes, that may be mathematically impossible so early in the year, but when you’re in the same division as the Yankees, Red Sox, and Rays it’s more or less a guarantee.

Vlad Sr. recently wished his son a happy birthday via Twitter:


Fernando Tatis Jr.


Taking what you learned from the first player on this list, can you guess who this guy’s dad is? That’s right, Fernando Tatis Jr. is none other than the son of Derek Jeter. Sorry, I misspoke. His dad is actually Fernando Tatis, a former big leaguer who played from 1997 until 2010.

While pops is known for being the only player to hit two grand slams in a single inning, Junior is the #2 prospect in baseball, and is primed to make his debut with the San Diego Padres this season playing shortstop on the same side of the infield as the newly acquired 4-time All-Star Manny Machado.

Everyone is excited to see what Tatis Jr. can bring to the major leagues. That is except for fans of the Chicago White Sox, who traded him back in 2016 for James Shields, a pitcher who led the league in losses last year with 16. If only this were MLB The Show and there were a save point the White Sox could return to, but unfortunately that’s not the case, so expect to see Tatis in San Diego soon. I’m sure he likes the weather better anyway.

Here’s Fernando talking about playing under his dad’s guidance this past winter:

Bo Bichette

The son of Rockies’ great Dante Bichette and brother of former Yankees prospect Dante Bichette Jr., Bo has impressed scouts with a combination of bat speed, raw power, and clean footwork to the point that he’s been ranked the #11 prospect in baseball and #2 in the Blue Jays’ system just behind Vlad Guerrero Jr.

Bo is also known for having much better hair than his father. Example A:

Example B:

Enjoy the hairline while it lasts, Bo. It’s clearly genetic.

Bo has yet to play above the AA level but could very well hit the big time in 2019, solidifying the left side of the Blue Jays infield along with Vladdy Jr. for many years to come.

Cavan Biggio

 

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Braden & Cavan Biggio @dunedinbluejays @bluejays @floridastateleague #cavanbiggio #biggio #bluejays #dunedinbluejays #baseball

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Holy hell, how many Blue Jays are on this list? The son of Hall of Famer and Astros legend Craig Biggio, Cavan may not be as highly regarded as teammates Vlad and Bo, but still remains a top Toronto prospect.

Here’s Cavan talking about the expectations that come with the last name Biggio, and how he’s crafting his own to break out from the shadow of his more famous father:


Like Bo, Cavan has yet to play above AA, but excelled last year with an .887 OPS and 26 home runs, falling just one RBI short of the century mark. Chances are Cavan may make his major league debut before the end of the season, but until then you’re going to have to head up to Buffalo to see him play for the Jays’ Triple-A affiliate.

Hey, even if you don’t care about seeing Cavan you should still make the trip for some good buffalo wings. On second thought, can we just make this list about the 5 best buffalo wings locations throughout the country? No? Too late? Oh well.

Victor Victor Mesa

 

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Got a picture with @victorvictormesa 😱 Really Cool Guy😎 #marlinsspringtraining #victorvictormesa #mesa #baseball

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Chances are you may never have heard of Victor Victor Mesa, nor his father Victor Mesa, a Cuban baseball legend who drew comparisons to Rickey Henderson. Not only that, but Victor won the gold medal in baseball at the 1992 Summer Olympics, and his career spanned 19 seasons in the Caribbean.

There are a lot of question marks surrounding Victor Victor, who was signed by the Miami Marlins along with his brother Victor Jr. after defecting from Cuba in May of 2018. While scouts speculate he’s more likely to debut in the bigs in 2020, his defense and speed are already said to be big-league ready.

That combined with the fact that the Marlins are desperate to attract fans to see their struggling franchise, Victor Victor may very well shoot his way up through the system sooner than you can say the word Victor twice.

There’s no doubt these five pops are as proud as can be to see their children follow in their footsteps. Hopefully twenty or so years from now, the aforementioned prospects can pass along some insight to kids of their very own, establishing yet another new generation of baseball stars.

Love baseball? More importantly, love embarrassing your kids? Well then be sure to follow the lead of this dancing dad, who left his daughter red in the face while attending a Cubs game last September.