GREENSBORO, NC – Having ran into his screaming son’s bedroom in a panic, local father Oscar Molina assessed the situation and realized there was nothing for his child to worry about, as he reassured his boy that the monster in the closet wasn’t as scary as the one under the bed.

“When I heard my son, Jonathan, crying, I feared the worst. But when he claimed that he was worried about the monster in his closet I made sure to comfort him and say, ‘Kid, you’ve got bigger problems than that,’” said Oscar, pointing under Jonathan’s bed in the direction of the heinous creature that posed a greater risk to his son and especially any of his friends should they ever sleep on the floor during a sleepover.

To prove to his son that there was nothing to fear, Oscar walked into the closet and emerged unscathed, but then as he approached the bed again, he was bitten pretty badly on the toe and had to run out of the room to grab a bandage.

“Sleep tight, and remember, don’t let your arm dangle off the bed,” said Oscar as he turned off the lights and shut the door, content that he had put his son’s concerns at ease.

While Jonathan continued to cry throughout the night, Oscar knew that his son was still perfectly fine, considering that if the monster under the bed got to him then there would be total silence.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

QUEENS, NY – In a series of last-minute announcements over the PA system, passengers on the upcoming flight from LaGuardia to LAX have been reminded that they are free to use their phones and laptops as they please, because their cool as hell pilot doesn’t give a shit if they put their electronics in airplane mode.

“Keep it on, turn it off, you and I both know it doesn’t interfere with anything,” said pilot Kevin Austin in the most chill tone possible, before confirming over the PA that he’d turn a blind eye if anyone wanted to join the mile-high club.

Despite FAA regulations prohibiting doing so, passengers started opening their devices to stream Netflix, text their friends, and blare Spotify, as the captain chimed in once again to reiterate that what happens on his plane, stays on his plane.

“If we experience turbulence, one of you mofos best be streaming AC/DC’s ‘Highway To Hell’ the whole way, kapeesh?” continued Kevin as the plane officially took off, leaving passengers no choice but to accept Kevin’s set of laissez-faire rules for the sky.

Shortly after departure, witnesses on the ground saw Kevin pull off a couple of barrel rolls and even an impressive backflip before the flight continued on its normal route to Los Angeles.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

ASBURY PARK, NJ – In what was initially thought to be a monumental archaeological discovery, a team of scientists from Princeton University mistook a pair of well-used lawn mowing shoes for an ancient Roman artifact, believing the sneakers to be centuries old when in fact they were just extremely dirty from hundreds of hours spent working in the backyard.

“We had no idea the Roman Empire extended this far. This discovery could rewrite the history books,” said chief archaeologist Oliver Wright, before being informed that the shoes belonged to 41-year-old Noah Miller and that the reason they looked so old was that Noah wore them while mowing the lawn every Sunday for the last eighteen years.

The team from Princeton was all but certain that the shoes dated back to the time of Augustus until one researcher looked inside the tongue and found, written in faded sharpie, “Please return to Noah Miller if found.”

“We are extremely disappointed to learn that the shoes are not from ancient Rome, but rather that they were purchased at a Payless in the early 2000s,” continued Oliver, before promptly returning the sneakers to Noah, who was planning to mow the lawn this weekend and couldn’t find them anywhere.

While at first, it appeared that the shoes were destined for a prolific spot within the antiquities wing at The British Museum, it now seems they’ll remain in Noah’s mudroom closet for the foreseeable future.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

KENOSHA, WI – Disappointed that her hard work and entrepreneurial spirit may not have produced the results she had hoped, 7-year-old Ellen Coleman sat patiently waiting at her lemonade stand for the next customer to show, unaware of reports that she would raise more money if her lemonade stand sold beer instead.

“The only reason 95% of adults drink lemonade is out of charity for the kid, whereas if Ellen were selling beer, she would have a line down the block,” said Ellen’s dad Blake, who cited the town’s self-described “archaic” alcohol laws that prevented 7-year-olds from selling alcohol.

While Ellen hoped her lemonade stand would help raise enough money to purchase a new bike, that appears far from likely considering how most people are unwilling to spend $1 on a drink that doesn’t taste all that great, and would rather save their money to drink beer with their pals – a fact that Ellen completely overlooked while she stocked up on lemons instead of kegs.

“We applied for an alcohol permit but definitely won’t have it until next summer at the earliest,” continued Blake, who chalked this up to a learning experience for his daughter to show her that she would get nowhere in the beverage business unless she could compete with Anheuser-Busch at their own game.

After waiting for hours, Ellen was delighted to finally see a customer approach her lemonade stand. However, that customer walked away without making a purchase after ordering a vodka lemonade and being told that the lemonade was the whole drink, not a mixer.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

SYRACUSE, NY – In what many neighborhood residents described as an utterly surreal sight, 9-year-old Mikey Davis was seen delivering newspapers door to door earlier this morning, suggesting he must be a time traveler from the 1980s since it’s not like anyone reads the paper anymore.

“I thought time traveling was just something you see in movies, but I saw that kid with my own two eyes,” claimed local dad Tyler Meadows, who noted that digital media has all but killed the print market, and that there’s no way a Gen Z child would consider newspaper delivery a financially viable summer job.

As residents of the cul-de-sac watched curiously from their windows, one man emerged from his home and asked the boy what year it was only to be met with a confused stare that offered no answers, which makes sense since a kid from any decade would have the same look on their face if asked such a dumb question.

“If he were delivering iPads or Kindles door to door then I would understand. But newspapers? This kid is either a time traveler or from another planet,” stated Tyler, who told his family to close the blinds and hide just in case this was the first sign of an alien invasion.

While many townsfolk were initially fascinated with Mikey’s presence, their attention quickly turned to a man who was seen delivering milk to a nearby house. Many residents became convinced that the man was a time traveler from the 1950s, though in reality he just worked for Amazon.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

GARLAND, TX – Agonizing over the toughest decisions he’s ever had to make as a veteran fantasy manager and a new dad, local man Earl Davidson remains at a loss for what to do, as his football draft falls on the same day as his toddler’s birthday.

“It’s his second birthday, not his first, so it isn’t as big of a deal as it could be,” said Earl, desperately trying to justify in his mind why his company’s fantasy draft would take precedence over a party that, in Earl’s defense, his son probably wouldn’t even remember.

As Earl frantically paced around pondering which drafted text message to send – one to his friends explaining why he would be auto-drafting this year, and another to his wife claiming that he would probably only miss the first hour or two of the party – he thought for a brief second about making his toddler’s birthday fantasy football-themed, only to conclude that his wife probably wouldn’t go for that.

“It’s my league’s tenth anniversary, and that’s a big milestone! Our son is going to have a lot more birthdays, whereas the league could fold any year now,” rehearsed Earl in the bathroom mirror, practicing a speech he would attempt to deliver to his wife later that evening.

While still uncertain of which event to prioritize, Earl is now trending towards attending his toddler’s birthday, realizing that failing to do so may result in the couch being his permanent sleeping arrangement.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

KNOXVILLE, TN – With many in attendance either being utterly disinterested or distracted by external factors such as cake, reports out of the Miller family’s gender reveal party claim that 90% of guests leaving the event were still unaware of the baby’s gender.

“I wasn’t paying attention, I was playing Cornhole halfway across the lawn with Mike,” argued one attendee while he was headed home with his girlfriend, who also had no idea what gender the baby was having been more preoccupied with the open wine bar.

As guests left the party still oblivious as to the result, many hoped the couple would make a Facebook post in the coming days revealing the gender, and decided to hold off on buying any blue or pink baby gifts until they did so.

“The only reason I’m here is because I live next door and heard there would be snacks. Is it a girl? A boy? Honestly, I didn’t know this was a gender reveal until just now,” said the Millers’ neighbor Dale, who conducted this interview in between bites of chips and salsa.

To make matters more confusing, the Millers are actually having twins—a boy and a girl—which explains why they were so confused and insulted when one guest leaving the party said, “Congrats on having a boy!”

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

PASADENA, CA – Despite having gone out to celebrate a college friend’s birthday late into the night and still being hungover because of it, local dad Darryl Evans was tasked with watching his children the next day, and while doing so masterfully executed the perfect game of Hide-and-Seek.

“I can’t find daddy anywhere,” said Darryl’s daughter Maria, unaware that her father had pounded three tequila shots and six IPAs the evening before and was now completely passed out under the covers in his bedroom.

As Darryl’s kids explored every inch of the house in search of their father, they neglected to check their parents’ bedroom—which is normally off-limits—even though their dad’s chainsaw-like snoring should’ve been a dead giveaway he was inside.

“I give up, let’s play video games,” conceded Darryl’s son Trevor, thus solidifying a victory for Darryl, who had not only forgotten he was playing Hide-and-Seek but remembered very little about the night before—including when he spilled his beer everywhere while attempting to carry it in the pocket of his cargo shorts until the bouncer suggested he go home.

Darryl’s reign as Hide-and-Seek champion didn’t last long, as it only took his wife a matter of seconds to find him when she got home from work as all she had to do was follow the trail of IPA on the carpet.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

RALEIGH, NC – Horrified that it wasn’t made clearer when ordering a new pair of shorts online, local dad Trevor Hendricks was left aghast upon wearing his cargo shorts for the first time, only to find that all of the pockets on the garment were for aesthetics only and had been sewn shut.

“I don’t understand why somebody would do something so horrible to such a perfect piece of clothing,” lamented Trevor, who wondered where he would keep his phone, wallet, keys, pocketknife, flashlight, nail clippers, handkerchief, lighter, and bottle opener without any pockets to put them in.

“What’s next, tube socks without holes to put your feet in? This is an insult to dads everywhere,” complained Trevor, who was seemingly more interested in going on a tirade than returning the product he so very clearly hated.

In the end, Trevor tried on the shorts and realized that they were quite comfortable, though as a man of principle and a defender of dads all around the globe he simply could not wear them in good faith.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HARTFORD, CT – Sprawled out on the couch in agonizing discomfort, local father Gabe White is hoping it’s not too much longer until his son returns home from day camp and can come to his aid, as Gabe is physically unable to fart unless someone pulls his finger.

“I spent so many years conditioning my body to fart on command that I can no longer do it without a very specific stimulus,” said a clearly bloated Gabe, who had no idea that years of pranking his child would backfire so spectacularly.

While Gabe has desperately attempted to squeeze out a fart for the past several hours his efforts have been all for naught, as he’s only managed to strain several ab muscles that he didn’t even know he had as they were hidden under his beer gut.

“I need you to come home from work and pull my finger,” said a desperate Gabe over the phone to his wife, who immediately hung up without a saying a word, thus leaving Gabe utterly despondent and unable to escape this hellish, gassy situation.

Unfortunately for Gabe, little does he know that his son had a playdate scheduled after camp today, which means it’ll be at least several more hours before he can relieve himself. Here’s hoping he gets lucky and the mailman shows up soon and is willing to lend a literal hand.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

FRESNO, CA – Excited to bust out some comedic material that he had used a million times before, father of three Edward Gardner was left heartbroken upon discovering that the batteries in his stud finger were dead, thus ruining his only joke.

“Found one!” exclaimed an overjoyed Edward as he slid the device over his chest, only to realize that he forgot to replace the batteries, completely derailing his attempt at humor.

As Edward repeatedly tried waving the stud finder over his body to no avail, he dejectedly walked out of the room and began a desperate hunt for batteries, only to realize that the TV remote was dead as well and that there were no AAs to be found.

“Guess I’m not as handsome as I used to be,” joked Edward, hoping to play off his embarrassing gaffe with some self-deprecating humor. Though that joke also failed to land, as rather than laughing his wife bluntly replied, “Guess not.”

Determined to make one last effort even though the time to tell a joke has long passed, Edward is currently up in his daughter’s room removing the batteries from her talking stuffed bear, though he promises to put them back.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

JERSEY CITY, NJ – Running around the house in a panic wondering what could’ve possibly happened to them, 45-year-old Michael Taylor was found frantically searching for his favorite pair of cargo shorts, even though there were eight more identical pairs currently sitting his dresser drawer.

“These are my lucky grilling shorts,” stated Michael to his wife, knowing that they were hosting a backyard BBQ in just an hour’s time and that if he wasn’t wearing his favorite shorts then it probably wasn’t worth hosting a dinner party at all.

As Michael checked each additional pair for the tiny grease stain on the left thigh that designated his favorite shorts from the rest, he claimed that none of them were good enough, when in reality there was no discernible physical difference in the fabric whatsoever.

“Those are my mowing shorts! I can’t wear those!” yelped Michael who was now on the verge of tears, and who had spent years crafting unique purposes for each pair of plaid shorts.

Unfortunately, as Michael continued to freak out about where his shorts could have possibly gone, he failed to realize that he had put them on earlier that day and had been wearing them this whole time. If only he were to stop and take a breath then this whole issue could have been avoided.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

TUSCALOOSA, AL – Confident that one particular athlete’s abilities would propel his fantasy team to victory, albeit in a league that did not yet exist, local father, John Levine revealed that he would theoretically select himself 1st overall in a fantasy lawn mowing league.

“I’ve seen my neighbors’ lawns and they’re only capable of amassing twenty, maybe thirty points a week, whereas my lawn is worth a solid fifty,” claimed John, basing his comments on a fantasy scoring system that only he seemed to know and understand.

While John was disappointed to learn that ESPN’s fantasy sports page offered no lawncare-based leagues, he was still insistent that he would be the consensus number one pick, though conceded that Rick Henderson’s lawn was nice enough that some GMs would foolishly choose Rick first and that their teams would be doomed because of it.

“I know that my bye week comes at an inopportune time since we’re visiting the in-laws Labor Day weekend, but my lawn would get me so many points before I leave that my team would already be out to a massive lead,” said John, further stating that the bye week would help him rest up for the lawn mowing playoffs later in September.

As John went on and on about his fantasy lawn mowing prowess, he once again neglected to set his fantasy baseball lineups for a league where, due to his poor managerial skills, he currently sits in last place.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.