Ben Kleinman or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Ben Kleinman

Dad Happily Watching Commercial-Laden TV Broadcast of Die Hard Despite Owning DVD

Dad Watching Die Hard
(Getty/Ryan McVay)

MODESTO, CA – Earlier today, 52-year-old Harvey Davis reared back in his recliner and turned on his absolute favorite of movie of all time, Die Hard. But what happened next may shock you. Within moments of settling into his chair, Harvey decided that he was perfectly content watching a commercial-laden television broadcast of Die Hard on cable, despite the fact he owns the DVD and could just as easily watch it without commercials.

“I just got comfortable and the DVD is all the way over there on the shelf, so it would be more trouble than it’s worth,” claimed Harvey, while a TV advertisement for a local car dealership aired for the third time this hour. But not only were there commercials—scenes in the film had been edited for foul language as well, making it all the more curious why Harvey wouldn’t pop in his Blu-ray quality DVD which also contains deleted scenes and director’s commentary.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, as just last week Harvey settled for watching Field Of Dreams on cable even though he had missed the first twenty minutes and couldn’t rewind, all because he didn’t want to risk getting up and losing the comfortable groove he had found in the chair.

“Honey, can you bring me some popcorn? I can’t pause the movie or else I might miss something!” shouted Harvey to his wife in the next room, ignoring the fact that he could easily pause the DVD version of the film if he weren’t too lazy to get up and do something about it.

Though this seems like a strange choice on the surface, there is one aspect of watching the movie on cable that’s been working to Harvey’s benefit. Whenever there’s a commercial break, Harvey’s been using those three-minute periods to close his eyes and pass out for some much-needed napping, proving that this may be a genius decision after all.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Leaves Twinkie and Cigarette for John McClane in Vent Duct on Christmas Eve

Twinkie and Cigarette for John McClane
(Getty/Steven Heap / EyeEm)

ALBANY, NY – The Christmas season is all about spending time with family, ringing in good cheer, and perhaps most importantly, tradition. That’s why every year on Christmas Eve, while his children leave milk and cookies for Santa by the base of the chimney, local father Patrick Mills places a Twinkie and a European cigarette inside his home’s ventilation duct for Die Hard protagonist John McClane.

“Die Hard is as synonymous with Christmas as Santa Claus, and it’s my job to ensure that John McClane gets a snack and a smoke while he crawls through our industrial shaft so that he has enough energy to go defeat Hans Gruber,” said Patrick, who conceded that McClane doesn’t usually bring any gifts as Santa does but that his heroism still deserves some delicious Twinkies.

While Patrick has spent the last few years hiding behind the couch in hopes of catching a glimpse of McClane, he’s never actually seen him. But considering the Twinkie is gone and only a cigarette butt remains come morning time, not to mention the trail of blood and shattered glass strewn about the living room carpet, Patrick knows that John definitely pays the house a visit after he goes to sleep.

“I don’t know why my kids bother leaving cookies for a fictional character like Santa when they could join me in honoring a true American hero,” continued Patrick, seemingly unaware of the fact that John McClane is a fictional character played by Bruce Willis.

In addition to the Twinkie and cigarette, Patrick also just finished writing a letter addressed to “John’s Workshop” at Nakatomi Plaza, requesting a PS5 and telling John that he’s been a good boy this year and definitely deserves one.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Keeps Thanksgiving Tradition Alive By Taking Post-Dinner Nap Over Zoom

Dad Takes Nap on Zoom
(Getty/Dylan Ellis)

CHULA VISTA, CA – While the Christiansen family was unable to gather in person this year for Thanksgiving due to the pandemic, 41-year-old Jason Christiansen, a father of two, wasn’t about to let that stand in the way of tradition, as he set up a Zoom call so that the entire family could watch him take a post-dinner nap.

“It just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Uncle Jason passing out on the couch,” said Jason’s niece Debbie, who along with the rest of the family played some virtual boardgames over Zoom while the audio from Jason’s snores intermittently cut in and out of the call.

While there was a brief moment where the entire Zoom call paused to see if Jason was waking up, it proved that he was just switching positions from one where the laptop camera showed an unflattering angle of his double chin to an even less flattering angle revealing his belly peeking out from beneath his shirt.

“It’s been a strange year, but it felt refreshingly normal to watch my brother fall asleep after consuming his weight in mashed potatoes,” said Jason’s brother Henry, who was grateful that Jason had upgraded to a premium Zoom account so that the family didn’t miss a single second of him napping.

As the entire family said their goodbyes and signed off the Zoom call around 10pm, it wasn’t until 3am that Jason finally woke up from his lengthy Turkey-induced nap and finally shut his laptop screen before immediately going to bed so he could sleep off the rest of the meal.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad “Really Sad” That Vegan Relatives Can’t Attend Thanksgiving Amid Covid

Dad Sad on Thanksgiving
(Getty/PeopleImages)

CHESAPEAKE, VA – The COVID-19 pandemic has forced families to alter their Thanksgiving plans this year, meaning 36-year-old Greg Jeffries won’t be able to host a big family gathering like normal, which in turn has left him “utterly distraught” over the fact that his vegan relatives won’t be attending.

“I’m heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken,” said Greg while stuffing the tofurkey he bought last week straight into the trash, which he would have been forced to make for his sister-in-law and her husband before they ultimately canceled their travel plans.

While Greg also claimed to be sad that his meat-eating family members wouldn’t be coming to dinner this year, he made a point to stress that he was extra “inconsolable” and “unsure if he would ever find happiness again” over the fact that his vegan relatives wouldn’t be showing up and bringing vegan side dishes that took up valuable table space.

“Tears of joy? No, I’m really sad,” said Greg, who had tears running down his face when he pulled the delicious, meaty turkey out of the oven that he and his wife would be sharing without any concern for the dietary restrictions of others.

As Greg and his wife sat down to enjoy a smaller than usual Thanksgiving together, he realized that by this time next year the entire family would be able to gather safely again, vegans included. It was this realization that made him truly sad for the first time all day.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEARTWARMING: Dad Forgives Children’s Halloween Candy Tax Until Easter

Dad Candy Tax Forgiven
(Getty/PeopleImages)

ROCKVILLE, MD – With towns across the nation canceling Halloween due to the pandemic, many kids this year will, unfortunately, have to settle for less candy than they’ve come to expect. However, one selfless father is well aware of the less than ideal situation and is doing what he can to help, as 42-year-old Tom Anderson agreed to forgive his children’s annual Halloween candy tax until Easter.

Wow! If that’s not being a great parent, then we don’t know what is.

“After our town cancelled Halloween, I knew my kids would be devastated, so I’ve chose to let them keep what little candy they get their hands on so long as they pay me back when they get their Easter baskets,” said Tom, whose kids only had a few measly Kit Kat bars to their name only because their mom went to the store and bought them a handful.

While Tom normally charges a 10% candy tax on both Halloween and Easter, his forgiveness of said tax in the short term means he’ll be collecting 25% of his children’s Easter baskets when you add interest, an agreement his children weren’t particularly happy with but still accepted considering the dire circumstances.

“Nobody is doing well in this economy, and I know my kids don’t currently have the resources to fill my belly with Reese’s. That being said, current forecasts expect things to improve come April, and when that time comes, I’m snapping the ears off that chocolate bunny and eating them all myself.”

If only everyone’s dad was as understanding as Tom! While there’s no decision yet on what to do with the candy canes his kids receive around Christmas, Tom is considering introducing a payment plan so that his children aren’t forced to mortgage their gingerbread houses.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Beefs Up Home Security to Catch Person Meddling With Thermostat

Dad's Thermostat Security
(Getty/AndreyPopov)

BILLINGS, MT – Any father can tell you that keeping your house safe and secure is an absolute top priority. That’s why one local dad named Clint Hamilton went above and beyond, as he beefed up his home security to catch the person who’s always meddling with the thermostat.

“It’s my job to look out for my family, and there’s no better way to do that than by ensuring the thermostat is always set to 67 degrees Fahrenheit,” said Clint, who recently upgraded his home security system in an effort to nab the person who bumped the thermostat up to 70 degrees over the weekend.

Clint insists that the state-of-the-art security system will ultimately pay for itself with the money that the family saves on heat, though he’s found it challenging to stay awake to monitor the cameras nonstop and is considering installing a laser tripwire in the thermostat’s vicinity.

“I would ask my wife or kids for help watching the cameras, but they can’t be trusted ever since I found my son’s fingerprints all over the thermostat,” continued Clint, whose additional security measures include reminding his family members to wear a sweatshirt and socks rather than go anywhere near the thermostat.

Unfortunately for Clint, after eighteen consecutive hours monitoring the cameras he finally dozed off, allowing the true culprit, his live-in mother-in-law, a chance to bump it up to 75 degrees for a few hours.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Entire Neighborhood Enjoys Cool Air as Kid Leaves Front Door Open With A/C on

Door Left Open With AC on
(Getty/Image Source)

ASHEVILLE, NC – On one suburban street people gathered en masse earlier this morning to enjoy the beautiful weather outside, as the entire neighborhood basked in the cool air after one family forgot to close the front door to their house with the air conditioner on.

“It’s been a hot, muggy summer, so we’re really appreciative of the Greene family’s willingness to cool the entire neighborhood,” said their neighbor Maria Byrd, none the wiser to the fact that 9-year-old Jimmy Greene forgot to shut the door after bringing in groceries.

As the neighbors celebrated the crisp, fall-like air, the father, John Greene was inside struggling to figure out why his home didn’t feel as cool as it normally did and even bumped the A/C up to full blast in order to remedy the problem—a decision that was met with people cheering the streets.

“With the neighborhood pool closed at the moment, this is the next best way to cool off,” continued Maria, who along with her neighbors considered starting a crowdfunding campaign to help cover the cost of what would surely prove to be a hefty electric bill for John.

Unfortunately, after several hours of this impromptu neighborhood block party, John finally realized that the front door was open. Much to his chagrin he had actually been paying to cool the neighborhood and money was literally going out the door. Once the door was closed the temperature outdoors to immediately skyrocketed back into the 90s.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Just When We Thought 2020 Couldn’t Get Worse, Dad Forgets to Test Click Tongs

Dad Forgets to Test Click Tongs
(Getty/hoozone)

BRANSON, MO – While the promise of a new decade once had many people excited about the future, 2020 has proven to be a year filled with turmoil and unrest. But just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse, one local dad named Hank Germaine forgot to test click his tongs.

There’s no sugarcoating it – this is an astonishing development that nobody could have seen coming.

“When he fired up the grill and picked up the tongs, I expected him to click them together a few times like he always does, so needless to say I was shocked when he went straight into flipping steaks,” said Hank’s wife Kelli, who hadn’t felt such a rollercoaster of emotions since losing her job back in April.

As Hank continued to work the grill, not once did he click the tongs together in a “We Will Rock You” style rhythm, nor did he ever pretend to be a crab using the tongs as his claws. Instead, he just continued tending to the steaks while never once hitting the two ends of the tongs together, confirming that 2020 is weirder than we ever thought it could be.

“This year has been filled with surprises, many of them for the worse, so I just hope the steaks turn out okay,” continued Kelli, who was worried that forgetting the test the tongs may lead to the steaks being overcooked.

While there’s no denying that this backyard barbeque was more tumultuous than usual, the steaks did in fact turn out properly cooked. Even still, it may be a while until our collective memory can forget just how jarring it was to see a man use a pair of tongs without testing them first.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Quarantined With Family Actually has to Spend Father’s Day With His Kids

Heartbroken Hungry Dad
(Getty/JGI/Jamie Grill)

BALTIMORE, MD – For dads all throughout the country, this Father’s Day is unlike any in recent memory. Take for instance 36-year-old Cal Bordick, a dad who’s quarantined with his family and has no choice but to spend Father’s Day this year with his kids.

“On a normal Father’s Day I’d be out eating BBQ or watching the Orioles with my friends, but this year I’ve been celebrating by spending the last thirty minutes chasing my son around to get him to take a bath,” said Cal, who unfortunately hasn’t been afforded the typical Father’s Day hall pass to be off parent duty while stuck in quarantine.

Even though Cal’s spouse told him he could have some privacy if he wanted to video chat with his friends as a small consolation, Cal knew it was a futile effort since his kids would just throttle the internet connection playing on their iPads, leaving Cal no choice but to grit his teeth and settle in for sixteen uninterrupted waking hours of time with his kids.

“I love my children and wouldn’t want to spend Father’s Day any other way,” Cal continued, wistfully starring at his golf clubs in the corner of the den that he hadn’t had the chance to bust out this season.

While Father’s Day may not have been all Cal hoped it would be this year, his family promised him that next year he would get a two-day long celebration to make up for it. Though let’s be honest, when that time comes around chances are they’ll conveniently forget.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Father’s Day Dad Spending Time With His Loved Ones: New Balances and Mower

Father's Day Dad
(Getty/FangXiaNuo)

WILMINGTON, DE – Father’s Day is a special occasion in the Martinez household, which is why every year Derek—the patriarch of the Martinez family—makes a point of spending the entire day alongside those most important to him: his New Balances sneakers and his riding mower.

“I don’t feel the need to be pampered or receive any lavish gifts, I just want to spend Father’s Day with those that I love,” said Derek, as he laced up his sneakers before heading out in the backyard to ride atop his mower for the next four hours.

While Derek’s wife and children went about this Father’s Day as they would any other normal day, Derek rode around the yard in circles with a massive grin on his face. At one point, he was even seen leaning over to give the riding mower a hug, a sight that his family caught a glimpse of but chose to ignore.

“As a father, I couldn’t be prouder of you all,” continued Derek, looking directly at his trusty New Balances and also referring to the identical seven pairs he had stowed away in his closet.

Unfortunately for Derek, he had to eventually get off his mower and come inside to receive his Father’s Day gift from his children of yet another necktie.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Mother’s Day Flowers Yet Another Thing Wife Must Keep Alive During Quarantine

Mother's Day Flower Responsibility
(Getty/Jupiterimages)

HATTIESBURG, MS – Having just had a baby earlier this year, local father Kevin Maroney surprised his wife on her first Mother’s Day by giving her the gift of flowers, yet another thing for her to try and keep alive during quarantine.

“Flowers! Uh, thanks!” said Kevin’s wife Rachel, unable to muster any more of a thank you knowing that keeping these flowers alive would be an additional burden considering she was already singlehandedly ensuring that the entire household featuring her husband, baby, and dog were safe and well-fed in these trying times.

Being particularly proud of what he figured to be a thoughtful gift, Kevin had no idea that the time Rachel would now spend focused on maintaining the flowers would, in turn, lessen his chances of surviving the pandemic—albeit microscopically—as he spent years as an utterly helpless bachelor before meeting her.

“Honey, what’s the ETA on dinner?” asked Kevin to his wife, unaware that it would end up being microwaved canned spaghetti tonight since the time she normally spent cooking his dinner would now be used potting and watering the flowers.

While things are bound to change throughout the remainder of quarantine, Rachel’s current priorities in terms of who to keep alive go, baby, dog, flowers, husband in that order.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Annoying Store Only Lets 5 Forgetful Dads in at a Time to Buy Mother’s Day Cards

Dads Wait in Line
(Getty/Michael Ciaglo/Stringer)

ONEONTA, NY – Taking into account social distancing recommendations from state and federal officials, one local drug store is doing what they can to prepare for what might be their busiest shopping day of the year, as employees will only allow five forgetful dads in at a time to buy Mother’s Day cards.

“On Mother’s Day weekend we tend to see ten times our normal daily customer total, so it’s imperative we protect our community against an influx of boneheaded husbands who shouldn’t have waited,” said Miller’s Drug Store owner Michael Miller, noting that the line of dads was dozens down the block when they opened at 8am this morning.

In addition to limiting the number of customers, the store is also taking extra precautions to protect against potential infection, such as informing men that they can no longer pick up a card, read it to see if it’s perfect, and put it back if they think their wife will hate it.

“I completely understand the store’s policies because being prepared is important,” said customer Richard Hansen, who woke up in a cold sweat at 6am realizing he forgot it was Mother’s Day and ran out the door to buy a card in a panic.

While Miller’s Drug Store is doing a great job, they’re not the only business in town that’s taking action. In preparation for Father’s Day next month, both the hardware and liquor stores down the street have also implemented similar distancing procedures.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Devastated Dad Forced to Pull Own Finger Amid Social Distancing Era

Dad Unable to Fart Unless Finger is Pulled
(Getty/ljubaphoto)

HELENA, MT – Following the recommendation of state and federal health officials, local father Harper Jones has been extra health-conscious these past few weeks. However, that additional caution has left him in a state of despair, as this devastated dad has been given no choice but to pull his own finger amid the social distancing era.

“It’s just not the same – I mean, the farts are 50% as powerful at best,” claimed Jones, knowing that these precautions are in the interest of he and his family’s well-being, even though pulling one’s own finger completely negates the surprise pranking element.

Sadly, Harper’s wife and children haven’t fallen for his silly prank for quite some time. In recent years Harper has relied heavily on strangers to pull his finger. Now, amid social distancing, unprecedented levels of flatulence continue to build within his abdomen.

“It’s been so long since I farted naturally that I forgot how to do it unless someone pulls my finger,” said an increasingly uncomfortable Jones, who asked our interviewer to put on a mask and glove and pull his finger, a request that our interviewer politely declined.

With no other options, Harper has been experimenting with tying one end of a rope to his finger, the other to a doorknob, and subsequently slamming the door, though the success of that plan remains to be seen.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.