Ben Kleinman or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Ben Kleinman

Mother’s Day Flowers Yet Another Thing Wife Must Keep Alive During Quarantine

Mother's Day Flower Responsibility
(Getty/Jupiterimages)

HATTIESBURG, MS – Having just had a baby earlier this year, local father Kevin Maroney surprised his wife on her first Mother’s Day by giving her the gift of flowers, yet another thing for her to try and keep alive during quarantine.

“Flowers! Uh, thanks!” said Kevin’s wife Rachel, unable to muster any more of a thank you knowing that keeping these flowers alive would be an additional burden considering she was already singlehandedly ensuring that the entire household featuring her husband, baby, and dog were safe and well-fed in these trying times.

Being particularly proud of what he figured to be a thoughtful gift, Kevin had no idea that the time Rachel would now spend focused on maintaining the flowers would, in turn, lessen his chances of surviving the pandemic—albeit microscopically—as he spent years as an utterly helpless bachelor before meeting her.

“Honey, what’s the ETA on dinner?” asked Kevin to his wife, unaware that it would end up being microwaved canned spaghetti tonight since the time she normally spent cooking his dinner would now be used potting and watering the flowers.

While things are bound to change throughout the remainder of quarantine, Rachel’s current priorities in terms of who to keep alive go, baby, dog, flowers, husband in that order.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Annoying Store Only Lets 5 Forgetful Dads in at a Time to Buy Mother’s Day Cards

Dads Wait in Line
(Getty/Michael Ciaglo/Stringer)

ONEONTA, NY – Taking into account social distancing recommendations from state and federal officials, one local drug store is doing what they can to prepare for what might be their busiest shopping day of the year, as employees will only allow five forgetful dads in at a time to buy Mother’s Day cards.

“On Mother’s Day weekend we tend to see ten times our normal daily customer total, so it’s imperative we protect our community against an influx of boneheaded husbands who shouldn’t have waited,” said Miller’s Drug Store owner Michael Miller, noting that the line of dads was dozens down the block when they opened at 8am this morning.

In addition to limiting the number of customers, the store is also taking extra precautions to protect against potential infection, such as informing men that they can no longer pick up a card, read it to see if it’s perfect, and put it back if they think their wife will hate it.

“I completely understand the store’s policies because being prepared is important,” said customer Richard Hansen, who woke up in a cold sweat at 6am realizing he forgot it was Mother’s Day and ran out the door to buy a card in a panic.

While Miller’s Drug Store is doing a great job, they’re not the only business in town that’s taking action. In preparation for Father’s Day next month, both the hardware and liquor stores down the street have also implemented similar distancing procedures.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Devastated Dad Forced to Pull Own Finger Amid Social Distancing Era

Dad Unable to Fart Unless Finger is Pulled
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HELENA, MT – Following the recommendation of state and federal health officials, local father Harper Jones has been extra health-conscious these past few weeks. However, that additional caution has left him in a state of despair, as this devastated dad has been given no choice but to pull his own finger amid the social distancing era.

“It’s just not the same – I mean, the farts are 50% as powerful at best,” claimed Jones, knowing that these precautions are in the interest of he and his family’s well-being, even though pulling one’s own finger completely negates the surprise pranking element.

Sadly, Harper’s wife and children haven’t fallen for his silly prank for quite some time. In recent years Harper has relied heavily on strangers to pull his finger. Now, amid social distancing, unprecedented levels of flatulence continue to build within his abdomen.

“It’s been so long since I farted naturally that I forgot how to do it unless someone pulls my finger,” said an increasingly uncomfortable Jones, who asked our interviewer to put on a mask and glove and pull his finger, a request that our interviewer politely declined.

With no other options, Harper has been experimenting with tying one end of a rope to his finger, the other to a doorknob, and subsequently slamming the door, though the success of that plan remains to be seen.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEARTBREAKING: 6 Feet of Unkempt Grass Between Quarantined Neighbors

6-feet of unkempt grass
(Getty/Pgiam)

COLUMBIA, SC – While nobody can deny that social distancing is a necessity in these trying times, it continues to have an unprecedented impact on the lives of many Americans. Take for instance the heartbreaking case of Michael Davies and Kevin Waller, two self-quarantined neighbors whose lawns have 6 feet of unkempt grass separating them.

“We’re always out mowing the lawn at the same time, so in the name of safety we can’t bring our lawnmowers any closer,” said Michael with regards to the six-foot gap, noting that it was the worst his lawn has looked in years, though it still remains miles better than Kevin’s.

Considering both men have nothing better to do than spend hours on end taking care of their yard, it’s unlikely that either one will have the time to tend to the unkempt region at a safe distance, which could affect their standing in the HOA’s yard of the month program.

“I suggested we have a neutral third party come in and clean the grass up while we both stay indoors, but Michael is very protective of his lawn having won the yard of the month award four months running,” said Kevin, who understands they may have to live with the tall grass barrier for the foreseeable future until a vaccine is developed.

Hopefully these two men can figure out a resolution soon, because every dad deserves a yard that they can be proud of and find comfort in, especially now.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Isolated Dad Settles for Coaching Son’s Video Game Baseball Team

Dad Coaches Son's Baseball Video Game
(Getty/Hill Street Studios)

DETROIT, MI – As our country has seen the postponement of youth sports leagues nationwide, it’s not only affected children but parents as well. Take for instance local father Miles Callahan, who usually coaches his son’s little league team but now has to settle for coaching a computer baseball team.

“You need to learn the fundamentals, which is why I’m telling you to bunt,” said Miles, who then grabbed his son’s laptop to show him how to lay down a bunt even though doing so made the game decidedly less fun.

While Miles got more and more into managing his son’s virtual team, his son felt the opposite way and left the room to go ride his bike in the cul-de-sac while Miles meticulously scoured over the stats to determine which of the Toronto Blue Jays players would be the best pinch hitter.

“Hustle! Hustle!” shouted Miles at the screen even though the players couldn’t hear him, thus embarrassing his son more than he ever had during actual little league games.

Miles’s commitment didn’t end there, as he also provided his son with plenty of snacks to replicate being on parental snack duty. However, Miles did find it hard to recreate the feeling of arguing with other parents about their own kid’s lack of playing time.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Social Distancing Dad No Longer Has to Use Kids as Excuse for Cancelling Plans

Social Distancing Dad Cancels Plans
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FRANKLIN, TN – While there’s obviously a great deal of downside to isolation, local father Mark Harrison has found at least one aspect of social distancing that he believes to be positive, as he no longer has to use his kids as an excuse for canceling plans and can just tell the truth.

“Before I would have to make up stories like my kid was sick or that they had a piano recital, but now I can just be honest and point to the government’s social distancing guidelines—it’s such a relief,” said Mark, who usually finds it to be such a chore to put on pants and go have dinner plans with another couple.

Ever since Mark and his family have been in isolation, he’s no longer had to worry about screening the caller ID to see who’s phoning to make plans. Nonetheless, he’s still prepared with his now legitimate excuse in the off-chance someone does.

“Call back when things improve and maybe we can do something then!” said Mark to himself, rehearsing the ironclad excuse that he will likely never get to use.

Rest assured Mark has been using his extra time very wisely. He’s spent several hours writing out a list of 50 believable excuses to blame on his kids to stow for when the rules of social distancing are finally lifted.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Isolated Dad’s New Balances Now Exempt From “No Wearing Shoes in House” Rule

Dad's Green Mowing Shoes
(Twitter/WhiskeyRiff)

BOISE, ID – Dismayed by the fact that his self-isolation meant having no reason to wear his beloved New Balances, 49-year-old Peter Harnisch decided it was time to make a notable change to a longstanding policy, and chose to relax the family’s “no wearing shoes in house” rule to allow New Balances only.

“If we allowed all sorts of shoes to be worn inside then this house would be a mess, but if we keep it to just New Balances then we can definitely keep things tidy,” said Peter while lacing up a pair of the very shoes he was referring to, ignoring the fact that he’s the only one in the house who wears said brand.

While nobody in the Harnisch family besides Peter had any sort of desire to wear shoes indoors, his wife and children still found it odd and perhaps a bit dictatorial that this rule amendment existed only to placate his obsession with wearing New Balance sneakers.

“Being a dad, I just felt naked without them,” continued Peter, who now not only wears his New Balances around during the day but keeps them on when he goes to sleep as well.

Peter is considering other rule changes as well, such as easing up on the “no television after 10pm” rule and instead allowing the television to be on 24/7 since there’s nothing else to do.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Baby Celebrates St. Patrick’s Day by Puking on Dad With Green Vomit

Baby Pukes Green on St. Patty's
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FREMONT, CA – In what can only be described as an expression of celebratory and festive joy, newborn child Rebecca Ellison rang in St. Patrick’s Day in style, by puking all over her father with green vomit.

“My wife and I are both a quarter Irish, so it should come as no surprise that celebrating St. Patty’s comes naturally to my daughter,” said Rebecca’s father Nick, who took a whiff of Rebecca’s breath to make sure she hadn’t snuck a sip of his Guinness when he wasn’t looking.

As Nick finally finished cleaning the vibrant green vomit off of his shirt, his daughter continued the celebration in style by throwing up an even more neon looking shade of green puke, this time all over Nick’s fresh white New Balances.

“I didn’t throw up on St. Patrick’s Day until I was 17 when I got drunk for the first time, so I’m proud that my daughter is so ahead of the curve,” said Nick, who also blamed the peas they had fed her that morning for the vomit’s appropriately-tinted coloring.

While Nick was more than able to clean up green vomit all day, he grew a bit squeamish when it came to his daughter’s green poop, and asked for his wife’s assistance in disposing of the “pot of gold” that Rebecca had left in her diaper.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Wearing Green Is Not Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, Just Mowed Lawn

Dad's Green Mowing Shoes
(Twitter/WhiskeyRiff)

NAPLES, FL – In a surprising albeit fatherly twist, it turns out that local dad Bill Cole is covered in green not because he’s celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, but rather because he just got finished mowing the lawn and is stained with grass clippings.

“To be honest I didn’t even know it was a holiday, but I do know that my lawn was getting a little unkempt,” said Bill, who had mowed his lawn just two days before but was so laser-focused on a few errant blades of grass that he lost track of the date.

Even on other days of the year, many of Bill’s neighbors assumed he was particularly proud of his Irish heritage, when in reality he’s just so obsessive about keeping his lawn trim that his New Balances are perpetually stained green.

“I’m not even Irish, this is all just a big coincidence,” continued Bill, who confirmed that the reason he had a Guinness tap in his mancave had nothing to do with celebrating St. Patty’s but rather because he just likes the taste.

As Bill removed his green lawn-mowing New Balances for his sparkly white indoor pair, he made sure to clarify one more point – Bill is a New York Giants fan through and through, and his green-stained clothing shouldn’t confuse anyone into thinking he likes the Jets.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Remembers It’s Drew Bledsoe’s Birthday, Unaware It’s Valentine’s Day

Dad Forgets Valentine's Day
(Getty/CareyHope)

MANHASSET, NY – One of the absolute biggest football fans you’ll ever meet, local father Harry Weston knows by heart that February 14th is NFL legend Drew Bledsoe’s birthday, though much to the chagrin of his wife Harry has absolutely no clue that it’s also Valentine’s Day.

“Honey, you know what day today is, right?” asked Harry to his wife Ellen, who for a split-second thought Harry had finally remembered to buy her chocolates or roses. However, her excitement quickly deflated upon realizing that the wrapped gift box Harry was holding actually contained a new Drew Bledsoe jersey that he had bought for himself.

As the couple sat on the couch together, Harry watching old Patriots games and Ellen scrolling through Instagram looking at how other couples were celebrating Valentine’s Day, Harry admitted to his wife that he knew today was special for another reason—that reason being that it was also ex-Bills quarterback Jim Kelly’s birthday.

“I love you so much,” said Harry in a heartwarming gesture on an otherwise disappointing day for Ellen, though there’s no doubt she would be upset if she found out that Harry was actually talking to the Drew Bledsoe bobblehead he kept on a nearby bookshelf.

Around 6pm Ellen finally got fed up waiting and asked Harry if he wanted to go out for dinner, to which he replied that he’d be happy to as soon as he got done watching this Drew Bledsoe highlight video for the fourth time.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Husband Sets Romantic Mood by Sprinkling Lawn Clippings Over Bed

Man Puts Lawn Trimmings on Bed
(Getty/trigga)

PITTSBURGH, PA – In an effort to help set the mood on the most romantic day of the year, 47-year-old David Henderson went up to his bedroom shortly before his wife arrived home from work, and in a sensuous Valentine’s Day gesture sprinkled lawn clippings all over the bed.

“Last year my wife covered the bed in roses, but this year I thought I’d do something especially erotic,” said David, who had saved these grass clippings from before the lawn froze over for the winter, knowing that they would absolutely drive his wife wild on Valentine’s Day.

As David heard the garage door open downstairs, he put the finishing touches on making the bedroom extra intimate, including loading up a custom romantic playlist of engine sounds and turning on the DVD player to a replay of Super Bowl XLIII.

“Honey, I’m up here,” said David in a sultry tone, as he sprawled out across the bed only to find that amongst the grass clippings were a few worms and clumps of dirt that he had forgotten to separate.

Unfortunately for David, there was no romance to be had to had that evening, as he was scolded and instructed to spend the night getting the large green grass stains out from the couple’s white bedsheets.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Bloated Dad Physically Unable to Fart Unless Finger is Pulled

Dad Unable to Fart Unless Finger is Pulled
(Getty/ljubaphoto)

HARTFORD, CT – Sprawled out on the couch in agonizing discomfort, local father Gabe White is hoping it’s not too much longer until his son returns home from day camp and can come to his aid, as Gabe is physically unable to fart unless someone pulls his finger.

“I spent so many years conditioning my body to fart on command that I can no longer do it without a very specific stimulus,” said a clearly bloated Gabe, who had no idea that years of pranking his child would backfire so spectacularly.

While Gabe has desperately attempted to squeeze out a fart for the past several hours his efforts have been all for naught, as he’s only managed to strain several ab muscles that he didn’t even know he had as they were hidden under his beer gut.

“I need you to come home from work and pull my finger,” said a desperate Gabe over the phone to his wife, who immediately hung up without a saying a word, thus leaving Gabe utterly despondent and unable to escape this hellish, gassy situation.

Unfortunately for Gabe, little does he know that his son had a playdate scheduled after camp today, which means it’ll be at least several more hours before he can relieve himself. Here’s hoping he gets lucky and the mailman shows up soon and is willing to lend a literal hand.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Perfectly Executes “See Ya Next Decade” Joke That Was 10 Years in the Making

Dad's "See You Next Decade" Joke
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PROVO, UT – Experiencing a level of excitement that he hadn’t felt in years, local dad Michael Hardy was more than ready for New Year’s to arrive, as he’d been waiting since the year 2009 to bust out his classic “see you next decade” joke.

“Every year on December 31st I tell my family, ‘see you next year,’ and it kills. But this year, heading into 2020, it’s a whole other level of comedy,” claimed Michael, insisting that an event this rare only comes around a few times in a dad’s lifetime.

As Michael practiced the joke several times in the bathroom mirror to ensure he got it right, he briefly considered coming up with a completely new joke about 20/20 vision, though ultimately decided against it knowing that his fans were expecting the classics.

“See you next decade!” yelled Michael a minute before the clock struck midnight – sending his family into a fit of uncontrollable laughter well into 2020.

Moments later Michael was jolted awake by the sound of his alarm clock.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.