FREMONT, CA – In what can only be described as an expression of celebratory and festive joy, newborn child Rebecca Ellison rang in St. Patrick’s Day in style, by puking all over her father with green vomit.

“My wife and I are both a quarter Irish, so it should come as no surprise that celebrating St. Patty’s comes naturally to my daughter,” said Rebecca’s father Nick, who took a whiff of Rebecca’s breath to make sure she hadn’t snuck a sip of his Guinness when he wasn’t looking.

As Nick finally finished cleaning the vibrant green vomit off of his shirt, his daughter continued the celebration in style by throwing up an even more neon looking shade of green puke, this time all over Nick’s fresh white New Balances.

“I didn’t throw up on St. Patrick’s Day until I was 17 when I got drunk for the first time, so I’m proud that my daughter is so ahead of the curve,” said Nick, who also blamed the peas they had fed her that morning for the vomit’s appropriately-tinted coloring.

While Nick was more than able to clean up green vomit all day, he grew a bit squeamish when it came to his daughter’s green poop, and asked for his wife’s assistance in disposing of the “pot of gold” that Rebecca had left in her diaper.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

NAPLES, FL – In a surprising albeit fatherly twist, it turns out that local dad Bill Cole is covered in green not because he’s celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, but rather because he just got finished mowing the lawn and is stained with grass clippings.

“To be honest I didn’t even know it was a holiday, but I do know that my lawn was getting a little unkempt,” said Bill, who had mowed his lawn just two days before but was so laser-focused on a few errant blades of grass that he lost track of the date.

Even on other days of the year, many of Bill’s neighbors assumed he was particularly proud of his Irish heritage, when in reality he’s just so obsessive about keeping his lawn trim that his New Balances are perpetually stained green.

“I’m not even Irish, this is all just a big coincidence,” continued Bill, who confirmed that the reason he had a Guinness tap in his mancave had nothing to do with celebrating St. Patty’s but rather because he just likes the taste.

As Bill removed his green lawn-mowing New Balances for his sparkly white indoor pair, he made sure to clarify one more point – Bill is a New York Giants fan through and through, and his green-stained clothing shouldn’t confuse anyone into thinking he likes the Jets.

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MANHASSET, NY – One of the absolute biggest football fans you’ll ever meet, local father Harry Weston knows by heart that February 14th is NFL legend Drew Bledsoe’s birthday, though much to the chagrin of his wife Harry has absolutely no clue that it’s also Valentine’s Day.

“Honey, you know what day today is, right?” asked Harry to his wife Ellen, who for a split-second thought Harry had finally remembered to buy her chocolates or roses. However, her excitement quickly deflated upon realizing that the wrapped gift box Harry was holding actually contained a new Drew Bledsoe jersey that he had bought for himself.

As the couple sat on the couch together, Harry watching old Patriots games and Ellen scrolling through Instagram looking at how other couples were celebrating Valentine’s Day, Harry admitted to his wife that he knew today was special for another reason—that reason being that it was also ex-Bills quarterback Jim Kelly’s birthday.

“I love you so much,” said Harry in a heartwarming gesture on an otherwise disappointing day for Ellen, though there’s no doubt she would be upset if she found out that Harry was actually talking to the Drew Bledsoe bobblehead he kept on a nearby bookshelf.

Around 6pm Ellen finally got fed up waiting and asked Harry if he wanted to go out for dinner, to which he replied that he’d be happy to as soon as he got done watching this Drew Bledsoe highlight video for the fourth time.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

PITTSBURGH, PA – In an effort to help set the mood on the most romantic day of the year, 47-year-old David Henderson went up to his bedroom shortly before his wife arrived home from work, and in a sensuous Valentine’s Day gesture sprinkled lawn clippings all over the bed.

“Last year my wife covered the bed in roses, but this year I thought I’d do something especially erotic,” said David, who had saved these grass clippings from before the lawn froze over for the winter, knowing that they would absolutely drive his wife wild on Valentine’s Day.

As David heard the garage door open downstairs, he put the finishing touches on making the bedroom extra intimate, including loading up a custom romantic playlist of engine sounds and turning on the DVD player to a replay of Super Bowl XLIII.

“Honey, I’m up here,” said David in a sultry tone, as he sprawled out across the bed only to find that amongst the grass clippings were a few worms and clumps of dirt that he had forgotten to separate.

Unfortunately for David, there was no romance to be had to had that evening, as he was scolded and instructed to spend the night getting the large green grass stains out from the couple’s white bedsheets.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HARTFORD, CT – Sprawled out on the couch in agonizing discomfort, local father Gabe White is hoping it’s not too much longer until his son returns home from day camp and can come to his aid, as Gabe is physically unable to fart unless someone pulls his finger.

“I spent so many years conditioning my body to fart on command that I can no longer do it without a very specific stimulus,” said a clearly bloated Gabe, who had no idea that years of pranking his child would backfire so spectacularly.

While Gabe has desperately attempted to squeeze out a fart for the past several hours his efforts have been all for naught, as he’s only managed to strain several ab muscles that he didn’t even know he had as they were hidden under his beer gut.

“I need you to come home from work and pull my finger,” said a desperate Gabe over the phone to his wife, who immediately hung up without a saying a word, thus leaving Gabe utterly despondent and unable to escape this hellish, gassy situation.

Unfortunately for Gabe, little does he know that his son had a playdate scheduled after camp today, which means it’ll be at least several more hours before he can relieve himself. Here’s hoping he gets lucky and the mailman shows up soon and is willing to lend a literal hand.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

PROVO, UT – Experiencing a level of excitement that he hadn’t felt in years, local dad Michael Hardy was more than ready for New Year’s to arrive, as he’d been waiting since the year 2009 to bust out his classic “see you next decade” joke.

“Every year on December 31st I tell my family, ‘see you next year,’ and it kills. But this year, heading into 2020, it’s a whole other level of comedy,” claimed Michael, insisting that an event this rare only comes around a few times in a dad’s lifetime.

As Michael practiced the joke several times in the bathroom mirror to ensure he got it right, he briefly considered coming up with a completely new joke about 20/20 vision, though ultimately decided against it knowing that his fans were expecting the classics.

“See you next decade!” yelled Michael a minute before the clock struck midnight – sending his family into a fit of uncontrollable laughter well into 2020.

Moments later Michael was jolted awake by the sound of his alarm clock.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEMPSTEAD, NY – Continuing an annual family tradition that takes place every January 1st, local father Jay Marshall rang in the New Year by waking up around midnight, cursing to himself a few times, and filing a noise complaint on his neighbors.

“It just wouldn’t have felt like New Year’s unless I called the cops on those college kids across the street,” said Jay, who noted that there are noise ordinances in the area and that music needs to be kept to a minimum, even on holidays.

The cops informed Jay that they would look into it—a response that they had given him each of the previous eight New Year’s—Jay eventually decided to take action into his own hands. He cut the power lines leading to another neighbor’s house where, according to him, there were people counting down in a particularly loud manner.

“I’m as fun as the next guy, and in fact, my celebration last night was pretty wild,” continued Jay, whose personal New Year’s party consisted of watching the first hour of Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve and then putting his kids to bed at 9 pm.

When asked how he would prefer his neighbors to act on New Year’s Eve, Jay recommended that they consider celebrating the New Year of an earlier time zone and going to sleep at a more reasonable hour.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

KINGSTON, NY – Shocked that there was more to his holiday gift than he initially realized, 6-year-old Dylan Hagan discovered that the box he had been playing with for the past several hours also contained a remote-control car.

“I like the box more,” said Dylan, leaving his dad both overjoyed that his son was having fun on Christmas morning, but also frustrated that he had spent several hundred dollars on the car when he just could’ve purchased a cheap box at the UPS store.

As Dylan turned the box over, dumped the car on the floor, and resumed having box-related fun, his dad wondered if it would be possible to trick the store into allowing him to return the car but keep the box.

“Why don’t you try this box,” said Dylan’s dad, pointing to a different box that the car hadn’t been packaged in. Unfortunately, Dylan only cared about the box that the car came in, even though the boxes were identical in every conceivable way.

Since his son was more interested in the box than the toy, Dylan’s dad decided to give the remote-control car a spin. However, he accidentally drove it out into traffic where it was immediately crushed by an oncoming sedan, proving that it was indeed only meant for ages 4 to 18.

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ERIE, PA – Upon noticing that it was eerily quiet and also having not seen his son since earlier Christmas morning, 39-year-old James Henderson realized that the garbage bag appeared to be moving, only to discover that he must’ve accidentally thrown out his son while cleaning up the mess of wrapping paper hours before.

“There was so much wrapping paper to throw out that I thought it just weighed a lot,” explained James to his wife as they recovered their 4-year-old son from the garbage, who described the experience in the bag as “dark and cool.”

Luckily for James the situation wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, as he nearly threw out grandpa as well, who had fallen asleep on the couch and was covered in discarded paper. Thankfully, grandpa’s snoring alerted James to his presence, who then freed him from the avalanche of wrapping materials.

“I’ll be honest, it looked like a war scene, so it’s no surprise there were casualties,” admitted James, noting that it was impossible to navigate the loads of wrapping paper and that it’s lucky they recovered their son before accidentally wheeling him to the curb.

While James’s wife was understandably upset that he had thrown out their son, both parents could agree that it was nice to finally have a few hours of peace and quiet on Christmas morning.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

BEND, OR – Rather than enjoying his Christmas eve sitting in cozy slippers by the fire, local father Martin Hendricks found himself huddled by the tree while cursing up a storm, as he’d spent the previous three hours futilely attempting to assemble one of his children’s gifts that was giving him a harder time he expected.

“Some assembly required, my ass! I’m going to sue this company for false advertising,” muttered an infuriated Martin, whose dreams of relaxing before  Christmas morning flew out the window the moment he realized he had to assemble his daughter’s new tricycle .

As Martin’s wife sat in the next room watching Christmas movies, Martin’s screams of frustration forced her to turn the volume up on the movie several times before she decided to just use headphones, as there would most likely be several more hours of annoyed yelps until the trike’s completion.

“What the hell is this?” said a confused Martin, as he held what were clearly a set of standard handlebars. Unfortunately, Martin was so delusional due to his stressful morning that he was now unable to recognize even the simplest of parts.

As we now enter the fourth hour of assembly, one can’t help but wonder if Martin would’ve been able to assemble the trike sooner had he just read the instruction manual rather than being stubborn.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

RICHMOND, VA – In what can be considered one of the more memorable nights of Hanukkah in recent memory, 39-year-old Tyler Steinberg’s wife and children cautiously backed away from the table and out the front door to safety upon seeing dad’s latest invention: a propane-powered menorah that they feared would almost surely burn the house down.

“I use propane on my grill all the time, so I think I know how to be careful,” claimed Tyler, who wasn’t expecting the menorah’s flames to rise as high as they did when he turned it on for the first time, leaving the kitchen ceiling riddled with burn marks.

While Tyler assured his family that the menorah would be just as safe as one with normal candles, his wife Debbie reminded him that he had lit the kitchen drapes on fire using a normal menorah the previous year, and that she would prefer he no longer go anywhere near fire.

“Don’t worry, I’m prepared for the worst,” insisted Tyler, who revealed that he spent a large chunk of the family’s holiday gift budget on a dozen fire extinguishers in addition to the menorah building materials.

While in the end Tyler was forced to disassemble and dispose of the propane-powered menorah, he was allowed to keep his other invention, an engine-powered dreidel. Unfortunately for Tyler, he had to give that up as well after the dreidel started spinning at over 60 mph and went flying through the living room window.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

ABERDEEN, WA – Utilizing a secret family recipe that had been passed down for generations, 46-year-old Kyle Fuchs began preparing his family’s Thanksgiving tofurkey the way he knows best, by throwing it directly into the trash.

“Some people like to roast their tofurkey, others heat it up in a pan, but I’m confident there’s no better method than hurling it into the garbage before anyone can suffer the pain of eating it,” said Kyle, as he began to defrost a real turkey that his Thanksgiving guests would enjoy significantly more.

As Kyle dragged the bag out to the bins behind his house, he caught eye of his neighbor participating in the same act of culinary prowess. The two men then gave each other a subtle nod before heading back into their respective homes to prepare tasty meals containing actual food.

“I really credit my dad with teaching me how to prepare a tofurkey, as I might’ve actually cooked the damn thing unless he advised me otherwise,” stated Kyle, as delicious odors from the real turkey began to permeate the house in a way that tofurkey odors never could.

While Kyle’s wife initially protested, as she had purchased the tofurkey to accommodate the family’s vegetarian guests, Kyle ensured her that they would have plenty of other vegetarian options in the form of canned cranberry sauce and alcohol.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

KISSIMMEE, FL – Blaming the copious amounts of turkey he had just consumed during Thanksgiving dinner, 47-year-old Roger Carrick informed his family that the reason he was yawning so much was because of the turkey, when in reality he falls asleep after almost every meal he eats.

“You know that turkey contains tryptophan, right?” stated Roger between yawns, claiming that was the reason he was so tired, even though he had also fallen asleep after eating a bowl of ravioli that afternoon as well as after eating steak the night prior.

Insisting he was just going to relax in his “nap chair” momentarily, Roger was snoring away just minutes after finishing his last bite of turkey, though he could’ve been eating chicken pot pie or ice cream and the result would’ve been exactly the same. This left his family no choice but to clean up without Roger’s help, as he’s always found passed out cold in his recliner even after a light snack.

“Where is everyone?” said Roger upon waking from his nap, thinking he had only closed his eyes for a few minutes, not yet realizing that Thanksgiving dinner had ended hours before and all the guests had left while he dozed.

Minutes after getting up from his sleep, Roger found himself noshing on some chips and salsa, a snack that would once again render him utterly exhausted in just five minutes time.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.