Ben Kleinman or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Ben Kleinman

Dad Passes Out Just Half a Beer Into Virtual St. Paddy’s Pub Crawl

Dad Passes Out During Virtual Pub Crawl
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ST. LOUIS, MO – While often the last man standing during his friend group’s annual St. Patrick’s Day pub crawl, local father Mitchell Rice showed just how much his alcohol tolerance has taken a hit during quarantine, as he passed out just half a beer into this year’s virtual Zoom pub crawl.

“Is he snoring? Put him in a breakout room,” muttered Mitchell’s friend Hugh, who had organized the virtual event at Mitchell’s insistence that they had to keep the tradition alive. Unfortunately, Mitchell was the binding force of the friend group, leaving the rest no choice but to make awkward small talk until he hopefully woke up ready to drink some more.

While Mitchell is understandably exhausted having been confined to his home with two young children for the last year of quarantine, even the world’s biggest lightweight would tell you that half a beer is nothing. Mitchell passing out so early is especially frustrating when you consider that Hugh had gone through the trouble of rounding up a dozen beers from several local breweries that were now sitting on the counter in Mitchell’s kitchen next to an untouched plate of corned beef.

“May the luck of the Irish be with you!” shouted Mitchell as he briefly awoke from his slumber, only to take a big swig of the now warm IPA he had been clutching for the last thirty minutes before slamming his head back down on the desk and passing out yet again.

While nobody expected Mitchell to fall asleep so early, there were still elements of this annual tradition that were successfully kept alive. Irish ballads were sung, a virtual toast was conducted using green-dyed beer, and for the twelfth straight year in a row, an extremely drunken Mitchell soiled his pants.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

St. Paddy’s Loving Dad at Store for 2 Hours Searching for Baby Formula That’s Green

Dad Shopping for Green Baby Formula
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LAKE ELSINORE, CA – Every St. Patrick’s Day, 34-year-old Charlie Miller looks forward to heading to his local Irish pub and drinking a few beers that have been dyed green. And having recently had a baby he wants to get his infant daughter in on the tradition too, which is why earlier today Charlie spent two hours at the store searching for green baby formula.

“Excuse me, I can’t seem to find any green baby formula or shamrock-patterned diapers. Do you know aisle those would be in?” asked Charlie to a confused store employee, who informed Charlie that his only color options when it came to baby formula were white and off-white.

But a defiant Charlie wasn’t about to give up there, as he insisted that when he was young his parents had given him green baby formula. Unfortunately, Charlie’s memory was a bit hazy, as the formula was indeed green but only because his parents had left it unrefrigerated for too long.

“Oh, there it is!” exclaimed an exhausted Charlie, whose joy was short-lived as he realized just seconds later that he hadn’t actually found the elusive green baby formula, but rather a box of plain old Lucky Charms cereal.

Upon arriving home empty-handed, Charlie politely asked his wife if she was capable of producing any green breastmilk for their daughter. The answer was of course a no and Charlie earned himself a night of sleeping on the couch, which he probably would end up doing anyway after drinking several green beers later.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Spends Same Amount of Time Caring for Infant and Island on Animal Crossing

Dad Caring for Newborn/Animal Crossing
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ELMHURST, IL – Back in March of 2020, 34-year-old Roger Sessions underwent two major life changes. First, his wife Ellen gave birth to their newborn son, and second, he purchased a copy of Animal Crossing for Nintendo Switch to help him get through quarantine. Ever since, this local dad has spent roughly an equal amount of time caring for both his newborn and his Animal Crossing island.

“They’re both named Roger Jr.,” said Roger, not only referring to his newborn son but his Animal Crossing character as well, further going on to state that he loves both but is extremely proud of his video game avatar for knowing how to use the toilet after eating fruit whereas his real son falls short in that respect.

Roger is the first to admit that Animal Crossing may not be as popular as it once was, but it still remains his duty to ensure his island isn’t overgrown with weeds much like it’s his duty to feed, bathe, and change his real son—tasks that he allots approximately the same amount of time to.

“My wife and I alternate dressing the real Roger Jr. in clean clothes, but when it comes to clothing my Animal Crossing character, the idea to put a crown on his head was all my idea,” continued Roger, who was over the moon that both his son and his character had recently learned to sit upright, the latter of which was thanks to a new software update.

Upon looking at his Nintendo profile Roger confirmed that he’s logged about 2,000 hours of playtime in Animal Crossing, and if there were a stats page for fatherhood, then he could only assume that number would be quite similar.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Son Gives Dad Unplugged Controller to Trick Him Into Thinking He’s Playing

Son Gives Dad Unplugged Controller
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OWENSBORO, KY – 38-year-old Kevin Waterston has fond memories of playing video games as a kid, but frankly, the consoles from his childhood are archaic and out of date. So when Kevin asked his 8-year-old son if they could play some PlayStation together, his kid handed him an unplugged controller to trick Kevin into thinking he’s playing.

“Usually this is something I do with my 3-year-old brother who doesn’t have any idea we’re tricking him, but given what I’ve seen, he’s probably better than my dad at Fortnite,” said 8-year-old Trevor, while his dad eagerly smashed away at buttons that, unbeknownst to him, had no impact on what was happening on the screen.

While this strategy was certainly a risky one considering Kevin could clearly see that the console only had one controller plugged in, he figured it was probably just some sort of new Bluetooth technology that was built into the system, and thus kept repeatedly hitting the X button thinking it was helping him win.

“Kid better watch out, pretty soon his old man is going to be better than him!” laughed Kevin, unaware that his son was actually ranked in the top 100 worldwide and would almost certainly humiliate his dad if the controller were to be connected.

To Kevin’s credit, after he and his son were done with PlayStation, Kevin went and busted out his old Atari 7800 console and absolutely kicked his son’s butt in a game of Joust.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Tech-Incompetent Dad Bribes 5-Yr-Old to Orchestrate His Zoom Super Bowl Party

Dad Bribes Son
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KANSAS CITY, MO – Having assured his football-loving friends that not even a pandemic could stand in the way of them all watching the big game together, Luis Robertson—a tech-incompetent Chiefs fan—bribed his 5-year-old son to help him orchestrate his Zoom Super Bowl party.

“I figured out how to use the Roku after a couple months, so I’m not that helpless. I mean, everyone uses Zoom, how hard could it be?” wondered Luis, just moments before inadvertently opening Minesweeper and then accidentally downloading several computer viruses while trying to send a Zoom invite to the football fanatics in his party. It was at that point Luis turned to his son, Michael, who’s just five years old but knows computers better than his parents and had even recently taught his mom and dad how to sign into their emails.

While at first Luis’s offer consisted solely of a crisp $10 bill, his son cleverly realized that his father was at risk of losing Super Bowl party hosting duties to his tech-savvier friend John, who offered to set up a Zoom room of his own. Without much leverage, Luis was convinced by his son to bump the offer up to $20, plus permission to stay up and watch the whole game and also no chores for a week.

“Who’s ready for some football!?” shouted Luis, not realizing that he had accidentally placed himself in a virtual waiting room so none of his friends could hear him. Despite having already conceded to his son’s demands, Luis had no choice but to toss his son another five bucks for one last bit of tech advice.

While the Zoom Super Bowl party finally got up and running, it immediately became clear that Luis hadn’t learned to use the Roku like he previously claimed, as he was having a lot of trouble streaming the game. It was only after his son came back and told him to just press the play button on the remote that Luis finally admitted he might not be the tech-savviest individual.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Happily Watching Commercial-Laden TV Broadcast of Die Hard Despite Owning DVD

Dad Watching Die Hard
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MODESTO, CA – Earlier today, 52-year-old Harvey Davis reared back in his recliner and turned on his absolute favorite of movie of all time, Die Hard. But what happened next may shock you. Within moments of settling into his chair, Harvey decided that he was perfectly content watching a commercial-laden television broadcast of Die Hard on cable, despite the fact he owns the DVD and could just as easily watch it without commercials.

“I just got comfortable and the DVD is all the way over there on the shelf, so it would be more trouble than it’s worth,” claimed Harvey, while a TV advertisement for a local car dealership aired for the third time this hour. But not only were there commercials—scenes in the film had been edited for foul language as well, making it all the more curious why Harvey wouldn’t pop in his Blu-ray quality DVD which also contains deleted scenes and director’s commentary.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, as just last week Harvey settled for watching Field Of Dreams on cable even though he had missed the first twenty minutes and couldn’t rewind, all because he didn’t want to risk getting up and losing the comfortable groove he had found in the chair.

“Honey, can you bring me some popcorn? I can’t pause the movie or else I might miss something!” shouted Harvey to his wife in the next room, ignoring the fact that he could easily pause the DVD version of the film if he weren’t too lazy to get up and do something about it.

Though this seems like a strange choice on the surface, there is one aspect of watching the movie on cable that’s been working to Harvey’s benefit. Whenever there’s a commercial break, Harvey’s been using those three-minute periods to close his eyes and pass out for some much-needed napping, proving that this may be a genius decision after all.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Leaves Twinkie and Cigarette for John McClane in Vent Duct on Christmas Eve

Twinkie and Cigarette for John McClane
(Getty/Steven Heap / EyeEm)

ALBANY, NY – The Christmas season is all about spending time with family, ringing in good cheer, and perhaps most importantly, tradition. That’s why every year on Christmas Eve, while his children leave milk and cookies for Santa by the base of the chimney, local father Patrick Mills places a Twinkie and a European cigarette inside his home’s ventilation duct for Die Hard protagonist John McClane.

Die Hard is as synonymous with Christmas as Santa Claus, and it’s my job to ensure that John McClane gets a snack and a smoke while he crawls through our industrial shaft so that he has enough energy to go defeat Hans Gruber,” said Patrick, who conceded that McClane doesn’t usually bring any gifts as Santa does but that his heroism still deserves some delicious Twinkies.

While Patrick has spent the last few years hiding behind the couch in hopes of catching a glimpse of McClane, he’s never actually seen him. But considering the Twinkie is gone and only a cigarette butt remains come morning time, not to mention the trail of blood and shattered glass strewn about the living room carpet, Patrick knows that John definitely pays the house a visit after he goes to sleep.

“I don’t know why my kids bother leaving cookies for a fictional character like Santa when they could join me in honoring a true American hero,” continued Patrick, seemingly unaware of the fact that John McClane is a fictional character played by Bruce Willis.

In addition to the Twinkie and cigarette, Patrick also just finished writing a letter addressed to “John’s Workshop” at Nakatomi Plaza, requesting a PS5 and telling John that he’s been a good boy this year and definitely deserves one.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Keeps Thanksgiving Tradition Alive By Taking Post-Dinner Nap Over Zoom

Dad Takes Nap on Zoom
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CHULA VISTA, CA – While the Christiansen family was unable to gather in person this year for Thanksgiving due to the pandemic, 41-year-old Jason Christiansen, a father of two, wasn’t about to let that stand in the way of tradition, as he set up a Zoom call so that the entire family could watch him take a post-dinner nap.

“It just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without Uncle Jason passing out on the couch,” said Jason’s niece Debbie, who along with the rest of the family played some virtual boardgames over Zoom while the audio from Jason’s snores intermittently cut in and out of the call.

While there was a brief moment where the entire Zoom call paused to see if Jason was waking up, it proved that he was just switching positions from one where the laptop camera showed an unflattering angle of his double chin to an even less flattering angle revealing his belly peeking out from beneath his shirt.

“It’s been a strange year, but it felt refreshingly normal to watch my brother fall asleep after consuming his weight in mashed potatoes,” said Jason’s brother Henry, who was grateful that Jason had upgraded to a premium Zoom account so that the family didn’t miss a single second of him napping.

As the entire family said their goodbyes and signed off the Zoom call around 10pm, it wasn’t until 3am that Jason finally woke up from his lengthy Turkey-induced nap and finally shut his laptop screen before immediately going to bed so he could sleep off the rest of the meal.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad “Really Sad” That Vegan Relatives Can’t Attend Thanksgiving Amid Covid

Dad Sad on Thanksgiving
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CHESAPEAKE, VA – The COVID-19 pandemic has forced families to alter their Thanksgiving plans this year, meaning 36-year-old Greg Jeffries won’t be able to host a big family gathering like normal, which in turn has left him “utterly distraught” over the fact that his vegan relatives won’t be attending.

“I’m heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken,” said Greg while stuffing the tofurkey he bought last week straight into the trash, which he would have been forced to make for his sister-in-law and her husband before they ultimately canceled their travel plans.

While Greg also claimed to be sad that his meat-eating family members wouldn’t be coming to dinner this year, he made a point to stress that he was extra “inconsolable” and “unsure if he would ever find happiness again” over the fact that his vegan relatives wouldn’t be showing up and bringing vegan side dishes that took up valuable table space.

“Tears of joy? No, I’m really sad,” said Greg, who had tears running down his face when he pulled the delicious, meaty turkey out of the oven that he and his wife would be sharing without any concern for the dietary restrictions of others.

As Greg and his wife sat down to enjoy a smaller than usual Thanksgiving together, he realized that by this time next year the entire family would be able to gather safely again, vegans included. It was this realization that made him truly sad for the first time all day.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEARTWARMING: Dad Forgives Children’s Halloween Candy Tax Until Easter

Dad Candy Tax Forgiven
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ROCKVILLE, MD – With towns across the nation canceling Halloween due to the pandemic, many kids this year will, unfortunately, have to settle for less candy than they’ve come to expect. However, one selfless father is well aware of the less than ideal situation and is doing what he can to help, as 42-year-old Tom Anderson agreed to forgive his children’s annual Halloween candy tax until Easter.

Wow! If that’s not being a great parent, then we don’t know what is.

“After our town cancelled Halloween, I knew my kids would be devastated, so I’ve chose to let them keep what little candy they get their hands on so long as they pay me back when they get their Easter baskets,” said Tom, whose kids only had a few measly Kit Kat bars to their name only because their mom went to the store and bought them a handful.

While Tom normally charges a 10% candy tax on both Halloween and Easter, his forgiveness of said tax in the short term means he’ll be collecting 25% of his children’s Easter baskets when you add interest, an agreement his children weren’t particularly happy with but still accepted considering the dire circumstances.

“Nobody is doing well in this economy, and I know my kids don’t currently have the resources to fill my belly with Reese’s. That being said, current forecasts expect things to improve come April, and when that time comes, I’m snapping the ears off that chocolate bunny and eating them all myself.”

If only everyone’s dad was as understanding as Tom! While there’s no decision yet on what to do with the candy canes his kids receive around Christmas, Tom is considering introducing a payment plan so that his children aren’t forced to mortgage their gingerbread houses.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Beefs Up Home Security to Catch Person Meddling With Thermostat

Dad's Thermostat Security
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BILLINGS, MT – Any father can tell you that keeping your house safe and secure is an absolute top priority. That’s why one local dad named Clint Hamilton went above and beyond, as he beefed up his home security to catch the person who’s always meddling with the thermostat.

“It’s my job to look out for my family, and there’s no better way to do that than by ensuring the thermostat is always set to 67 degrees Fahrenheit,” said Clint, who recently upgraded his home security system in an effort to nab the person who bumped the thermostat up to 70 degrees over the weekend.

Clint insists that the state-of-the-art security system will ultimately pay for itself with the money that the family saves on heat, though he’s found it challenging to stay awake to monitor the cameras nonstop and is considering installing a laser tripwire in the thermostat’s vicinity.

“I would ask my wife or kids for help watching the cameras, but they can’t be trusted ever since I found my son’s fingerprints all over the thermostat,” continued Clint, whose additional security measures include reminding his family members to wear a sweatshirt and socks rather than go anywhere near the thermostat.

Unfortunately for Clint, after eighteen consecutive hours monitoring the cameras he finally dozed off, allowing the true culprit, his live-in mother-in-law, a chance to bump it up to 75 degrees for a few hours.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Entire Neighborhood Enjoys Cool Air as Kid Leaves Front Door Open With A/C on

Door Left Open With AC on
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ASHEVILLE, NC – On one suburban street people gathered en masse earlier this morning to enjoy the beautiful weather outside, as the entire neighborhood basked in the cool air after one family forgot to close the front door to their house with the air conditioner on.

“It’s been a hot, muggy summer, so we’re really appreciative of the Greene family’s willingness to cool the entire neighborhood,” said their neighbor Maria Byrd, none the wiser to the fact that 9-year-old Jimmy Greene forgot to shut the door after bringing in groceries.

As the neighbors celebrated the crisp, fall-like air, the father, John Greene was inside struggling to figure out why his home didn’t feel as cool as it normally did and even bumped the A/C up to full blast in order to remedy the problem—a decision that was met with people cheering the streets.

“With the neighborhood pool closed at the moment, this is the next best way to cool off,” continued Maria, who along with her neighbors considered starting a crowdfunding campaign to help cover the cost of what would surely prove to be a hefty electric bill for John.

Unfortunately, after several hours of this impromptu neighborhood block party, John finally realized that the front door was open. Much to his chagrin he had actually been paying to cool the neighborhood and money was literally going out the door. Once the door was closed the temperature outdoors to immediately skyrocketed back into the 90s.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Just When We Thought 2020 Couldn’t Get Worse, Dad Forgets to Test Click Tongs

Dad Forgets to Test Click Tongs
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BRANSON, MO – While the promise of a new decade once had many people excited about the future, 2020 has proven to be a year filled with turmoil and unrest. But just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse, one local dad named Hank Germaine forgot to test click his tongs.

There’s no sugarcoating it – this is an astonishing development that nobody could have seen coming.

“When he fired up the grill and picked up the tongs, I expected him to click them together a few times like he always does, so needless to say I was shocked when he went straight into flipping steaks,” said Hank’s wife Kelli, who hadn’t felt such a rollercoaster of emotions since losing her job back in April.

As Hank continued to work the grill, not once did he click the tongs together in a “We Will Rock You” style rhythm, nor did he ever pretend to be a crab using the tongs as his claws. Instead, he just continued tending to the steaks while never once hitting the two ends of the tongs together, confirming that 2020 is weirder than we ever thought it could be.

“This year has been filled with surprises, many of them for the worse, so I just hope the steaks turn out okay,” continued Kelli, who was worried that forgetting the test the tongs may lead to the steaks being overcooked.

While there’s no denying that this backyard barbeque was more tumultuous than usual, the steaks did in fact turn out properly cooked. Even still, it may be a while until our collective memory can forget just how jarring it was to see a man use a pair of tongs without testing them first.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.