Ben Kleinman or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Ben Kleinman

Just When We Thought 2020 Couldn’t Get Worse, Dad Forgets to Test Click Tongs

Dad Forgets to Test Click Tongs
(Getty/hoozone)

BRANSON, MO – While the promise of a new decade once had many people excited about the future, 2020 has proven to be a year filled with turmoil and unrest. But just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse, one local dad named Hank Germaine forgot to test click his tongs.

There’s no sugarcoating it – this is an astonishing development that nobody could have seen coming.

“When he fired up the grill and picked up the tongs, I expected him to click them together a few times like he always does, so needless to say I was shocked when he went straight into flipping steaks,” said Hank’s wife Kelli, who hadn’t felt such a rollercoaster of emotions since losing her job back in April.

As Hank continued to work the grill, not once did he click the tongs together in a “We Will Rock You” style rhythm, nor did he ever pretend to be a crab using the tongs as his claws. Instead, he just continued tending to the steaks while never once hitting the two ends of the tongs together, confirming that 2020 is weirder than we ever thought it could be.

“This year has been filled with surprises, many of them for the worse, so I just hope the steaks turn out okay,” continued Kelli, who was worried that forgetting the test the tongs may lead to the steaks being overcooked.

While there’s no denying that this backyard barbeque was more tumultuous than usual, the steaks did in fact turn out properly cooked. Even still, it may be a while until our collective memory can forget just how jarring it was to see a man use a pair of tongs without testing them first.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Quarantined With Family Actually has to Spend Father’s Day With His Kids

Heartbroken Hungry Dad
(Getty/JGI/Jamie Grill)

BALTIMORE, MD – For dads all throughout the country, this Father’s Day is unlike any in recent memory. Take for instance 36-year-old Cal Bordick, a dad who’s quarantined with his family and has no choice but to spend Father’s Day this year with his kids.

“On a normal Father’s Day I’d be out eating BBQ or watching the Orioles with my friends, but this year I’ve been celebrating by spending the last thirty minutes chasing my son around to get him to take a bath,” said Cal, who unfortunately hasn’t been afforded the typical Father’s Day hall pass to be off parent duty while stuck in quarantine.

Even though Cal’s spouse told him he could have some privacy if he wanted to video chat with his friends as a small consolation, Cal knew it was a futile effort since his kids would just throttle the internet connection playing on their iPads, leaving Cal no choice but to grit his teeth and settle in for sixteen uninterrupted waking hours of time with his kids.

“I love my children and wouldn’t want to spend Father’s Day any other way,” Cal continued, wistfully starring at his golf clubs in the corner of the den that he hadn’t had the chance to bust out this season.

While Father’s Day may not have been all Cal hoped it would be this year, his family promised him that next year he would get a two-day long celebration to make up for it. Though let’s be honest, when that time comes around chances are they’ll conveniently forget.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Father’s Day Dad Spending Time With His Loved Ones: New Balances and Mower

Father's Day Dad
(Getty/FangXiaNuo)

WILMINGTON, DE – Father’s Day is a special occasion in the Martinez household, which is why every year Derek—the patriarch of the Martinez family—makes a point of spending the entire day alongside those most important to him: his New Balances sneakers and his riding mower.

“I don’t feel the need to be pampered or receive any lavish gifts, I just want to spend Father’s Day with those that I love,” said Derek, as he laced up his sneakers before heading out in the backyard to ride atop his mower for the next four hours.

While Derek’s wife and children went about this Father’s Day as they would any other normal day, Derek rode around the yard in circles with a massive grin on his face. At one point, he was even seen leaning over to give the riding mower a hug, a sight that his family caught a glimpse of but chose to ignore.

“As a father, I couldn’t be prouder of you all,” continued Derek, looking directly at his trusty New Balances and also referring to the identical seven pairs he had stowed away in his closet.

Unfortunately for Derek, he had to eventually get off his mower and come inside to receive his Father’s Day gift from his children of yet another necktie.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Mother’s Day Flowers Yet Another Thing Wife Must Keep Alive During Quarantine

Mother's Day Flower Responsibility
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HATTIESBURG, MS – Having just had a baby earlier this year, local father Kevin Maroney surprised his wife on her first Mother’s Day by giving her the gift of flowers, yet another thing for her to try and keep alive during quarantine.

“Flowers! Uh, thanks!” said Kevin’s wife Rachel, unable to muster any more of a thank you knowing that keeping these flowers alive would be an additional burden considering she was already singlehandedly ensuring that the entire household featuring her husband, baby, and dog were safe and well-fed in these trying times.

Being particularly proud of what he figured to be a thoughtful gift, Kevin had no idea that the time Rachel would now spend focused on maintaining the flowers would, in turn, lessen his chances of surviving the pandemic—albeit microscopically—as he spent years as an utterly helpless bachelor before meeting her.

“Honey, what’s the ETA on dinner?” asked Kevin to his wife, unaware that it would end up being microwaved canned spaghetti tonight since the time she normally spent cooking his dinner would now be used potting and watering the flowers.

While things are bound to change throughout the remainder of quarantine, Rachel’s current priorities in terms of who to keep alive go, baby, dog, flowers, husband in that order.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Annoying Store Only Lets 5 Forgetful Dads in at a Time to Buy Mother’s Day Cards

Dads Wait in Line
(Getty/Michael Ciaglo/Stringer)

ONEONTA, NY – Taking into account social distancing recommendations from state and federal officials, one local drug store is doing what they can to prepare for what might be their busiest shopping day of the year, as employees will only allow five forgetful dads in at a time to buy Mother’s Day cards.

“On Mother’s Day weekend we tend to see ten times our normal daily customer total, so it’s imperative we protect our community against an influx of boneheaded husbands who shouldn’t have waited,” said Miller’s Drug Store owner Michael Miller, noting that the line of dads was dozens down the block when they opened at 8am this morning.

In addition to limiting the number of customers, the store is also taking extra precautions to protect against potential infection, such as informing men that they can no longer pick up a card, read it to see if it’s perfect, and put it back if they think their wife will hate it.

“I completely understand the store’s policies because being prepared is important,” said customer Richard Hansen, who woke up in a cold sweat at 6am realizing he forgot it was Mother’s Day and ran out the door to buy a card in a panic.

While Miller’s Drug Store is doing a great job, they’re not the only business in town that’s taking action. In preparation for Father’s Day next month, both the hardware and liquor stores down the street have also implemented similar distancing procedures.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Devastated Dad Forced to Pull Own Finger Amid Social Distancing Era

Dad Unable to Fart Unless Finger is Pulled
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HELENA, MT – Following the recommendation of state and federal health officials, local father Harper Jones has been extra health-conscious these past few weeks. However, that additional caution has left him in a state of despair, as this devastated dad has been given no choice but to pull his own finger amid the social distancing era.

“It’s just not the same – I mean, the farts are 50% as powerful at best,” claimed Jones, knowing that these precautions are in the interest of he and his family’s well-being, even though pulling one’s own finger completely negates the surprise pranking element.

Sadly, Harper’s wife and children haven’t fallen for his silly prank for quite some time. In recent years Harper has relied heavily on strangers to pull his finger. Now, amid social distancing, unprecedented levels of flatulence continue to build within his abdomen.

“It’s been so long since I farted naturally that I forgot how to do it unless someone pulls my finger,” said an increasingly uncomfortable Jones, who asked our interviewer to put on a mask and glove and pull his finger, a request that our interviewer politely declined.

With no other options, Harper has been experimenting with tying one end of a rope to his finger, the other to a doorknob, and subsequently slamming the door, though the success of that plan remains to be seen.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

HEARTBREAKING: 6 Feet of Unkempt Grass Between Quarantined Neighbors

6-feet of unkempt grass
(Getty/Pgiam)

COLUMBIA, SC – While nobody can deny that social distancing is a necessity in these trying times, it continues to have an unprecedented impact on the lives of many Americans. Take for instance the heartbreaking case of Michael Davies and Kevin Waller, two self-quarantined neighbors whose lawns have 6 feet of unkempt grass separating them.

“We’re always out mowing the lawn at the same time, so in the name of safety we can’t bring our lawnmowers any closer,” said Michael with regards to the six-foot gap, noting that it was the worst his lawn has looked in years, though it still remains miles better than Kevin’s.

Considering both men have nothing better to do than spend hours on end taking care of their yard, it’s unlikely that either one will have the time to tend to the unkempt region at a safe distance, which could affect their standing in the HOA’s yard of the month program.

“I suggested we have a neutral third party come in and clean the grass up while we both stay indoors, but Michael is very protective of his lawn having won the yard of the month award four months running,” said Kevin, who understands they may have to live with the tall grass barrier for the foreseeable future until a vaccine is developed.

Hopefully these two men can figure out a resolution soon, because every dad deserves a yard that they can be proud of and find comfort in, especially now.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Isolated Dad Settles for Coaching Son’s Video Game Baseball Team

Dad Coaches Son's Baseball Video Game
(Getty/Hill Street Studios)

DETROIT, MI – As our country has seen the postponement of youth sports leagues nationwide, it’s not only affected children but parents as well. Take for instance local father Miles Callahan, who usually coaches his son’s little league team but now has to settle for coaching a computer baseball team.

“You need to learn the fundamentals, which is why I’m telling you to bunt,” said Miles, who then grabbed his son’s laptop to show him how to lay down a bunt even though doing so made the game decidedly less fun.

While Miles got more and more into managing his son’s virtual team, his son felt the opposite way and left the room to go ride his bike in the cul-de-sac while Miles meticulously scoured over the stats to determine which of the Toronto Blue Jays players would be the best pinch hitter.

“Hustle! Hustle!” shouted Miles at the screen even though the players couldn’t hear him, thus embarrassing his son more than he ever had during actual little league games.

Miles’s commitment didn’t end there, as he also provided his son with plenty of snacks to replicate being on parental snack duty. However, Miles did find it hard to recreate the feeling of arguing with other parents about their own kid’s lack of playing time.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Social Distancing Dad No Longer Has to Use Kids as Excuse for Cancelling Plans

Social Distancing Dad Cancels Plans
(Getty/FYMStudio)

FRANKLIN, TN – While there’s obviously a great deal of downside to isolation, local father Mark Harrison has found at least one aspect of social distancing that he believes to be positive, as he no longer has to use his kids as an excuse for canceling plans and can just tell the truth.

“Before I would have to make up stories like my kid was sick or that they had a piano recital, but now I can just be honest and point to the government’s social distancing guidelines—it’s such a relief,” said Mark, who usually finds it to be such a chore to put on pants and go have dinner plans with another couple.

Ever since Mark and his family have been in isolation, he’s no longer had to worry about screening the caller ID to see who’s phoning to make plans. Nonetheless, he’s still prepared with his now legitimate excuse in the off-chance someone does.

“Call back when things improve and maybe we can do something then!” said Mark to himself, rehearsing the ironclad excuse that he will likely never get to use.

Rest assured Mark has been using his extra time very wisely. He’s spent several hours writing out a list of 50 believable excuses to blame on his kids to stow for when the rules of social distancing are finally lifted.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Isolated Dad’s New Balances Now Exempt From “No Wearing Shoes in House” Rule

Dad's Green Mowing Shoes
(Twitter/WhiskeyRiff)

BOISE, ID – Dismayed by the fact that his self-isolation meant having no reason to wear his beloved New Balances, 49-year-old Peter Harnisch decided it was time to make a notable change to a longstanding policy, and chose to relax the family’s “no wearing shoes in house” rule to allow New Balances only.

“If we allowed all sorts of shoes to be worn inside then this house would be a mess, but if we keep it to just New Balances then we can definitely keep things tidy,” said Peter while lacing up a pair of the very shoes he was referring to, ignoring the fact that he’s the only one in the house who wears said brand.

While nobody in the Harnisch family besides Peter had any sort of desire to wear shoes indoors, his wife and children still found it odd and perhaps a bit dictatorial that this rule amendment existed only to placate his obsession with wearing New Balance sneakers.

“Being a dad, I just felt naked without them,” continued Peter, who now not only wears his New Balances around during the day but keeps them on when he goes to sleep as well.

Peter is considering other rule changes as well, such as easing up on the “no television after 10pm” rule and instead allowing the television to be on 24/7 since there’s nothing else to do.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Baby Celebrates St. Patrick’s Day by Puking on Dad With Green Vomit

Baby Pukes Green on St. Patty's
(Getty/sturti)

FREMONT, CA – In what can only be described as an expression of celebratory and festive joy, newborn child Rebecca Ellison rang in St. Patrick’s Day in style, by puking all over her father with green vomit.

“My wife and I are both a quarter Irish, so it should come as no surprise that celebrating St. Patty’s comes naturally to my daughter,” said Rebecca’s father Nick, who took a whiff of Rebecca’s breath to make sure she hadn’t snuck a sip of his Guinness when he wasn’t looking.

As Nick finally finished cleaning the vibrant green vomit off of his shirt, his daughter continued the celebration in style by throwing up an even more neon looking shade of green puke, this time all over Nick’s fresh white New Balances.

“I didn’t throw up on St. Patrick’s Day until I was 17 when I got drunk for the first time, so I’m proud that my daughter is so ahead of the curve,” said Nick, who also blamed the peas they had fed her that morning for the vomit’s appropriately-tinted coloring.

While Nick was more than able to clean up green vomit all day, he grew a bit squeamish when it came to his daughter’s green poop, and asked for his wife’s assistance in disposing of the “pot of gold” that Rebecca had left in her diaper.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Wearing Green Is Not Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, Just Mowed Lawn

Dad's Green Mowing Shoes
(Twitter/WhiskeyRiff)

NAPLES, FL – In a surprising albeit fatherly twist, it turns out that local dad Bill Cole is covered in green not because he’s celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, but rather because he just got finished mowing the lawn and is stained with grass clippings.

“To be honest I didn’t even know it was a holiday, but I do know that my lawn was getting a little unkempt,” said Bill, who had mowed his lawn just two days before but was so laser-focused on a few errant blades of grass that he lost track of the date.

Even on other days of the year, many of Bill’s neighbors assumed he was particularly proud of his Irish heritage, when in reality he’s just so obsessive about keeping his lawn trim that his New Balances are perpetually stained green.

“I’m not even Irish, this is all just a big coincidence,” continued Bill, who confirmed that the reason he had a Guinness tap in his mancave had nothing to do with celebrating St. Patty’s but rather because he just likes the taste.

As Bill removed his green lawn-mowing New Balances for his sparkly white indoor pair, he made sure to clarify one more point – Bill is a New York Giants fan through and through, and his green-stained clothing shouldn’t confuse anyone into thinking he likes the Jets.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Dad Remembers It’s Drew Bledsoe’s Birthday, Unaware It’s Valentine’s Day

Dad Forgets Valentine's Day
(Getty/CareyHope)

MANHASSET, NY – One of the absolute biggest football fans you’ll ever meet, local father Harry Weston knows by heart that February 14th is NFL legend Drew Bledsoe’s birthday, though much to the chagrin of his wife Harry has absolutely no clue that it’s also Valentine’s Day.

“Honey, you know what day today is, right?” asked Harry to his wife Ellen, who for a split-second thought Harry had finally remembered to buy her chocolates or roses. However, her excitement quickly deflated upon realizing that the wrapped gift box Harry was holding actually contained a new Drew Bledsoe jersey that he had bought for himself.

As the couple sat on the couch together, Harry watching old Patriots games and Ellen scrolling through Instagram looking at how other couples were celebrating Valentine’s Day, Harry admitted to his wife that he knew today was special for another reason—that reason being that it was also ex-Bills quarterback Jim Kelly’s birthday.

“I love you so much,” said Harry in a heartwarming gesture on an otherwise disappointing day for Ellen, though there’s no doubt she would be upset if she found out that Harry was actually talking to the Drew Bledsoe bobblehead he kept on a nearby bookshelf.

Around 6pm Ellen finally got fed up waiting and asked Harry if he wanted to go out for dinner, to which he replied that he’d be happy to as soon as he got done watching this Drew Bledsoe highlight video for the fourth time.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.