Jared Warner or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Jared Warner

A Dumb Guide To Making A Smart Home

HomeAutoFeature2

Look, some dads are tech masters who are always on top of the latest thing, but I just hadn’t thought about home automation before. I had Alexa, and loved it, but I figured smart lights and everything would mean rewiring the whole house. But then I was part a “favorite things” gift exchange and someone gave me a pack of four smart outlets, and it was a huge “Oh, duh” moment.

To have a smart home, you don’t have to reprogram your whole house’s electricity…you just take remote control of an outlet. I downloaded the Smart Life app, plugged in one of the outlets and held down the button until it blinked.

smartoutlet

With my phone connected to the wifi, they synced up and were good to go. I grew up with frustratingly slow tech, and had to deal with computer virus hell in the 90s, so it’s still crazy to me how intuitive and quick most things can work now! I could plug in anything to this outlet: a lamp, the Christmas tree, a surge protector connected to all devices in the room, and control it all from my phone.

Anakin
(GIphy/)

Now, the next phase of any conquest is delegation. I enabled the Smart Life skill in the Alexa app so I could use it to control the smart outlets. Fun Pro tip: You can reprogram Alexa’s response word to be “Computer.” So for a while I could say “Computer, lights” and the lights would go on or off! It was basically like being a starfleet captain all the time. Word of caution though: you say the word “computer” way more often than you think you do. It’ll hear you, man. It’ll hear you.

Of course once I got started, I became hooked. I wanted to connect full rooms and the outdoor lighting. I wanted to control the thermostat and the garage door. I wanted unlimited power! So, my next step was buying several smart switches.

smartswitch

These work the same way the outlets do, but for the internal stuff, and even the nicer ones only run for about $20. They allow voice, remote and timed control of anything that isn’t plugged in – ceiling lighting and fans and so on. I installed them myself, but it’s a little more complicated so no shame in hiring a professional for this part. It was still way easier than the complete rewiring I’d always imagined, and setup with Smart Life was just as easy as the outlets.

Now I have 6 smart outlets and 4 smart switches on the grid. With Alexa, it’s super easy to create groups for different rooms, like: Family Room, Kitchen, Outside, or larger groups like: Whole House.

Alexa Groups

From here, I was basically set to go. Smart Home: Activate! But I tend to dive…deeper.

There’s a section in the app called “Routines,” and it’s key. With it, I schedule all of my groups to turn on and off depending on day and time. For example, the box fans in all our bedrooms (#whitenoise4lyfe) are programmed to turn off, while the lights all turn on just before alarm time every morning. This is usually enough to wake up my kids without an alarm!

 

Alexa Routines

All of the downstairs lights are on when my wife gets up at an ungodly hour for her workout. My outdoor lights turn on and off at the appropriate times. The customization possibilities are awesome. Routines can also be voice-controlled, and you can make your voice commands whatever you want by typing it in the app.

So when I say “Alexa it’s TV time!” she says, “Heck yeah let’s get this party started” and turns on the Family Room.

AlexaCommand

You can also use these routines to mess with your kids. When I ask “Alexa, who is the best?” she responds with “Joel is the best” and that is an airtight argument from an omnipresent computer controlling our entire lives. 

Now I have a Nest thermostat, a Roomba, and a Chamberlain garage door opener, all controllable through Alexa or by a schedule.


I was really impressed by how simple and easy it was to get all this up and running. The big takeaway for me was realizing that having a smart home wasn’t something that’s just for super rich people living in future homes. I know there’s more that could be done, and as prices on the tech come down, I’ll probably automate more stuff. Eventually, I will achieve the ultimate goal of an automated breakfast machine, like from Back to the Future III.

 

 

The Dad loves cool stuff, and we want to share it with you. We are a part of the Amazon Affiliate Program, so we may earn a fee if you buy stuff from links featured here. But this was a true story, and it happened mostly before that whole arrangement, so no bullshit. 

Meal Delivery Done Right

Steak and Shrimp
(Getty/grandriver)

One of my favorite things to do is make a full-tilt, off the rails steak dinner. And I don’t mean just eating it; the whole process of making a big steakhouse-style dinner is like my version of a yoga retreat. It relaxes me, and gives me a sense of satisfaction.

For a while there, making the perfect steak dinner became my great white whale. Every week I’d try a new cut, a new side, and pair them with a different wine. (I’d drink a tall beer while actually grilling, don’t @ me). One week I’d use my cast iron for a strip with grilled asparagus, and the next I’d reverse sear a bone-in ribeye with a side of rosemary potatoes.

This let’s-say-hobby-even-though-it’s-clearly-an-obsession is what turned me on to Omaha Steaks. That’s right, the 90s era business gift of choice is the real deal. Omaha was ahead of the recent meal delivery kit craze by a country mile, and offers way more flexibility than most of the others.

Packages can include a couple steaks for an intimate dinner to a full-on meat locker’s worth of deliciousness. They have steaks, chicken, pork, seafood, plus all kinds of apps and sides, and even wine. Look, I’m in no way knocking local butchers and grocery stores, I still love those guys. But Omaha has bison.

Some people are averse to trying a steak unless they, like, knew the cow personally, and I get it. Fresh is best. But my stepdad loves hunting, and he keeps an entire deer’s worth of venison in his extra freezer all the time. You just have to know how to correctly vacuum seal your food to lock in all the juicy flavor, and the Omaha team are experts. Would they stand behind a 100% satisfaction guarantee if they weren’t?

Plus, for a limited time, members of The Dad club (that’s you!) can try Omaha Steaks and get 45% off plus free shipping!

I can’t tell you the perfect way to grill a steak…that’s a personal discovery everyone has to make for themselves. But if you want to stock up for the adventure, Omaha Steaks has been taking care of grillmasters since 1917.

We love steak, which is why we are happy to be a part of the Omaha Steaks Affiliate Program. We may earn a fee for linking to Omaha Steaks, which we will use to buy more steak.

Oh Crap You Definitely Forgot A Present For Somebody: A Gift Guide

CrapYouForgot
(Walmart)

“It’s too late to post a gift guide,” they said. “Everyone’s already purchased their gifts for the season,” they said.

Oh, what innocent and naive fools they are. This week is the gauntlet that separates dAdS from THE DADS, and we’ve got your back. Whether you still need a gift for your brother, your brother’s kid…or if you put this whole thing off ’till the last minute, haven’t gotten anybody anything, and think it might be easier at this point to just get in your car and start driving…we’re here to help you be a holiday hero.

So keep your head on a swivel, and let’s do this while there is still time for 2-day shipping.

Stuff for Grownups

A FREAKIN’ SUPER NINTENDO

Super Nintendo
(Walmart)

That’s right, it’s back baby! The kids can keep their Switches and their VR nausea machines, this is where the action is. It comes with 21 classic games pre-loaded. Hey, just because you grow up doesn’t mean you have to start doing boring presents.

The indoor fryer

Fryer
(Walmart)

But what if fried food…was good for you? Okay, it may not be 100% healthy, but by using less oil to achieve golden crunchy perfection, this indoor fryer gives you all the flavor at a fraction of the cholesterol.

A hot sauce starter set

Hot Sauce
(Walmart)

What’s great about a hot sauce collection is that it’s a perfect gift for both someone you love and someone you can’t stand, depending on their tastebuds and how susceptible they are to a challenge.

This game where you chill out with Bob Ross

BobRoss
(Walmart)

In this game you earn “chill points” by faux painting happy little trees and other Ross-isms, in what is technically a competition but also probably a dose of therapy. Our favorite review: “Who is Bob Ross?!….4 Stars!”

Stuff For Kids

The LOL Surprise House with 85+ surprises 

LOL Surprise House
(Walmart)

What are the surprises? What are LOL Surprise Dolls? In a world where babies run everything, why is there a helipad on the roof? SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS WORLD. Regardless of it making any sense or not, this mega gift is made from real wood and has a working elevator, so dad hats off to craftsmanship.

Laser Tag!

Laser Tag
(Walmart)

Ah, laser tag. Just like a video game, but outside!

The Fingerlings and their sinister Phase 2

Fingerlings2
(Walmart)

If we know anything, it’s that when a creature starts out small and adorable, it’s only a matter of time before it grows smarter, faster, and bigger in an attempt to take over the world. The Fingerlings may have started as cute finger pets, but the new hug-sized line proves that was only the beginning.

Baby’s First Microscope

Microscope
(Walmart)

This isn’t Hadron Collider level tech by any means, but if you know a kid with a curious mind, earn serious points for encouraging them to stretch that muscle. Even if they end up playing scientist more than doing any science, a half toy/half tool gift like this is cool af.

Catan For Kids

Catan Jr
(Catan)

Beating kids at Monopoly is fun only so many times.  Make sure your game nights stay ahead of the curve by prepping kids for the big leagues early. Our only problem with Catan Jr. is that we could have used the training wheels when we learned the original game ourselves. Where were you, Catan Jr?

Web Shooters. WEB SHOOTERS

WebShooters
(Walmart)

“OH, HELL YES!” any kid would be right to shout after unwrapping Spidey’s web shooters. And then you can punish them for swearing so you can play with it yourself. #DadHacks

The Ridiculous Gift You Could Never Buy For Yourself, But Looks Like It’s For Kids So You Can Maybe Get Away With It If You Play It Right

The Lego Millennium Falcon

LegoFalcon
(Walmart)

Of course this is for the kids…they’re just not allowed to touch it.

Those are our picks, and your holiday is saved! Of course, you’ll still have to wrap…

We participate in the Walmart Affiliate Program, and may earn fees by linking to Walmart.com. Because who doesn’t want to pick up some extra cash around the holidays?

Man-Cave Candles To Feel Like A Pirate Or Race Car Driver Or Whatever Your Thing Is

Candle Feature

Are you man enough to fill your home with some gentle aromas? Do you have what it takes to confidently strike a match, and set it to a wick without burning your finger a little bit? Can you handle watching the wax slowly melt away, and using that imagery to cope with your own daily stress and anxieties?

Maybe you don’t think candles are for you, eh? Well it’s possible you just haven’t found the right kind. Check out our favorite Man-Cave mood setters, but be warned: You may find the power of scents-memory will transport you back to those days on untamed sea, wrestling with demons both inside and out.

The smell of hard work and the past 

DarkRum
(Amazon)
These candles understand the indisputable fact that some sort of booze + some sort of plant makes for a perfect smell. Dark Rum & Oak, Whiskey & Tobacco -or if you’re kinda weird- Absinthe & Black Fig are great scents that suggest you are secretly a Colonial Era blacksmith-turned-spy for the Revolution.

 

Tiny campfires to remind you of real campfires

Campfire
(Amazon)

By taming the fierce element of fire, mankind claimed dominion over the Earth. Now relish in that ultimate power with a little tiny fire in a cup. With a wooden wick to create authentic crackling, this is perfect for the dad who wants to enjoy taking their kids camping, but doesn’t want to listen to their kids complain about camping.

Mmmmm. Musk. 

FreshShaveCandle
(Walmart)

Personal grooming: Not always in the cards for a modern dad. But the refreshing aromas of cedar and musk can still be a part of your daily routine. Why musk is  a refreshing smell, we’re not sure. Just one of life’s mysteries. It’s the kind of thing you ponder while shaving, or now, sitting in a chair with a candle burning.

Vroom-Vroom Wax

ManCandles
(Walmart)

Are you a grease monkey? Well gear up with candles that say “everyone else is unwelcome in this room.”

Still not convinced a candle is for you? If you are intrigued by enticing aromas, but prefer a bigger canvas, then we hope for your sake the KFC Herbs & Spices Firelogs will be back in stock sometime soon. Meanwhile we’ll be burning the candle on both ends, because we’re cool with candles that way.

ChickenLog
(KFC)
We participate in the Walmart and Amazon Affiliate Programs. We may earn a small fee by linking to Walmart.com & Amazon.com. Unfortunately we could not find a capitalism-scented candle for this article. 

6 Ways To Ruin A Steak Dinner, You Monster

Cooking Steak
(Getty/Westend61)

Is there anything more perfect than a perfectly cooked steak? Cooking steak is an art, and just like art there is no single right way to do it, but a looootttttttt of ways to screw it up. Here are six sure-fire ways to ruin your next steak dinner.

1. Pick cuts like an amateur

Omaha Steak
(Getty/Claudia Totir)

Don’t buy steak from anywhere but a steak store. Hey, maybe you have a nice supermarket, but if you’re buying your meat and shampoo from the same establishment, it’s your own fault you’re not getting primo results. Or, skip the extra stop at the butcher by ordering amazing cuts of beef online. Omaha Steaks has always been way ahead of the meal delivery box craze, and can deliver a week’s worth of a steakhouse menu, including sides, dessert and wine right to your door. Plus, dads who love The Dad are able to get 45% OFF and free shipping for a limited time, just saying.

2. Go straight from fridge to pan

Grinch NO
(Giphy)

Some of the most important steps in cooking a steak come before you actually cook the thing. You may have heard that a steak needs to be at room temperature to ensure even cooking, and sure that sorta helps. However, the real reason to take a steak out of the fridge early is the seasoning and crust. Big Kosher salt crystals use science to tenderize meat, but to do that they need time to seep into the cut. So, first up: generously season your steak and let it sit out for about 30 minutes. You’ll notice the meat start to “sweat” as it absorbs the savory goodness. For a great charred crust you want the outside of the steak to be dry, so wait until the moisture is reabsorbed, then pat dry the whole thing before tossing it onto direct heat.

3. Truck with marinades

Toss Out
(Giphy/)

There’s this weird notion that putting sauce on a steak is treason, but marinading one like it’s a BBQ rib is totally fine. What is that? First of all, there’s nothing wrong with dressing your finished steak in a delicious sauce like chimichurri. Does it need it? No. But if you only eat steak one way, then you’re missing out on lots of delicious steaks. However. Marinades. No. Come on. We just went over this. Steak needs to be dry when it cooks. Throw that bottle of prepackaged garlic herb butter juice in the trash. You can add real butter, garlic and rosemary as you cook. Trust yourself and your steak.

4. Burn it like an idiot

Firestarter
(Giphy/)

You want a nice sear to get that perfect crust, which means using high heat and an oil with a high smoking point, like peanut oil. If you must use olive oil, go for the extra light kind, as it can reach a higher temperature without burning. Now, once you get your sear on, you gotta move to a gentle heat to cook the steak through without tensing up the meat. Also, some people will tell you not to flip a steak more than once. Ignore them. Unless you have Predator-vision, flipping a steak regularly helps keep the heat evenly dispersed.

5. Be weird about doneness

Okay. Before we even get into this, let’s all just take a breath.

Adam Sandler Breathes
(Gifphy/)

Yes, everyone has their opinion about the “correct” doneness of a steak, but the fact is, a medium steak cooked well tastes better than a medium-rare steak cooked poorly. There isn’t one true ideal, so don’t freak out about it. Recently, blue-rare steaks have gained popularity and enjoying practically raw meat  basically makes you some sort of carnivorous bird. So let’s not be judgy. In reality, steak doneness is “a thing” and “things” are more about proving a point than what’s actually good. So feel free to enjoy your steak however you like, from blue-rare to medium. Even if you like medium-well, *deep breath* that’s honestly okay too. But you might consider just being a vegetarian.

All that said, if you like yours well-done, you are actually a sociopath.

6. Immediately eat it

Last, but extremely not least: LET YOUR STEAK REST. Meat will continue to cook for a bit after being removed from heat. So, using a good meat thermometer, track your steak’s internal temperature to about 5-8 degrees shy of the doneness you prefer. Then toss it on a warm plate, loosely cover with foil, and let it sit for about ten minutes. This will let your steak really absorb all the juicy goodness. Patience truly is a virtue.

Good Steak
(Giphy)

We love steak, which is why we participate in the Omaha Steaks and Walmart Affiliate Programs. We may earn fees by linking to Omaha Steaks and Walmart, which we will use to purchase more steak.

A Screen-Free Smartphone To Get Kids Out-Freakin’-Side

The Dad & Relay Go

My first cell phone was a flimsy flip phone that couldn’t even play Snake. My parents gave it to me “for emergencies only,” and I mostly used it to pretend I was a space captain. Don’t judge, we all did it….right?

Flash forward to today, and the standard model phones are gateways to screen addiction, cyber bullying and a whole world of social anxiety. Modern phones don’t do “for emergencies only.” Giving our kids independence means shackling them to a device, and hoping they have the self awareness and discipline to not become little screen zombies.

So when I heard Relay Go was way to keep tabs on kids that isn’t a smartphone -but acts like one- I was curious…and skeptical. I decided to invoke the right of all dads, and check out the new gadget for myself.

Rleay Go
(Relay Go)

What Is It?

The Relay device is a smartphone without a screen. It’s like a multi-channel walkie talkie that connects to an app on your phone. So with the push of the single button, your kid can send you a message, and you can talk directly to them from your normal phone. They can also connect to other Relay devices to talk with their friends down the street or across the country…and I do mean actually talk, not bury their face in a texting wall. The longer it takes my kid to learn what emojis are, the better.

Will My Kid Break It?

One thing that surprised me was how durable this thing is. I opened it it up, handed it to my daughter, and told her to be careful with it before she immediately dropped it. (That part was not a surprise). But, the thing didn’t get busted or even scuffed, and the speaker didn’t start popping like my regular phone when she dropped that. And my tablet. And my bluetooth stereo.

Will My Kid Lose it?

The three stages of seeing what your kids are up to.

Like all parents, I expect my daughter to be the plucky leader of a group of kid detectives on the hunt for a  lost treasure, only to run afoul of some two-bit crime family whom she would ultimately outsmart after learning valuable lessons about friendship and what it means to call someplace home.

But sometimes I just have to pick her up from the bus stop. In both cases, the GPS tracking is clutch. Also handy? When she drops it in the park, or leaves it at a friend’s house, or forgets it at school but doesn’t remember where…we can still find it. I almost want to get one for all her jackets to keep track of them, too.

Is It Worth It?

Getting your kid a phone is a big step. One that can come up before either of you is ready. Relay Go kicks that ball down the field a little, without limiting their access to the broader world. In fact, it encourages active participation, as opposed to seclusion. It’s not just “for emergencies only,” but a cool way to introduce your kid to the ever-connected digital world. The Dad Approves.

(Relay Go)

 

This post was sponsored by:
Relay Go

A Gift Guide For What She REALLY Wants. Which Is Pockets.

Pockets tweet
(Twitter/@DelilahSDawson)

It’s a question that has spanned generations, toppled nations, and carried one mediocre Mel Gibson movie:

What do women want?

The answer is surprisingly simple: equal rights and dominion over their own bodies. But also, pockets. Moms in particular carry the weight of the world, so get them something that can hold their chapstick.  Here are some of our favorite gifts and stocking stuffers for the mom in your life, guaranteed to make her say “it’s got pockets!”

1. This jacket with more than the normal amount of pockets

SidePocketLongJacket
(Walmart/)

Look at that third pocket up there. They’re not even trying to hide it. Compared to a jacket with two pockets, the storage possibilities here are endless…or at least increased by 50%. This comes in different colors, but she’ll like red one because it says “hey, don’t mess with me. I have more pockets than you normally would expect.”

Zip it up!

2. Some portable pockets that are definitely not fanny packs

GoBelt
(Source)

Okay, hear us out. The Go Belt is super functional. Some genius remembered with a shiver the vacations we all took in the 80s and 90s, took one look at those old-school fanny packs our parents wore and said, “never again.” These things are closer to a utility belt, which is appropriate since moms are superheroes. We’re not suggesting she wear them out to dinner, but this is a mic drop product for playground dates and bike rides.

Strap in!

3. This sweatshirt that tells it like it is

One Strong Mother
(Scarry Mommy)

A sweatshirt? No, a statement. The One Strong Mother hoodie from Scary Mommy tells the truth, yes. But also, it has pockets. She’ll want more than one.

Get it here!

4. A blanket that has, wait for it…pockets

BlanketWithPockets
(Walmart)

This is a no brainer. Not to generalize, and say that women are always cold, but… *Jim from the Office-style look to camera.*

It’s a Dad’s sacred duty to prevent anyone from touching the thermostat, so we are big fans of blankets. This wrap is like a dressed up Snuggie, it’s super affordable, and the reviews prove our point:

This item revolutionized the blanket game. It has the warmth and softness of a traditional throw blanket, but with POCKETS

Wrap it up!

5. These pajamas that prove your loyalty and support a good cause

GoAskDadPants
(Scary Mommy)
GoAskDadCloseUp
(Scary Mommy)

Earn major brownie points with this act of self-sacrifice. When the kids want extra dessert, or a pet tarantula, or to know where babies come from, all mom has to do is  point to her hip, then slide her hands into her pockets, as if to say “I’m chill. I’ve got my hands in pockets.” These pajamas are technically called “joggers” but that’s just so she can wear them to drop off if she wants.  Pick up a pair from the Scary Mommy shop, and a portion of all proceeds will be donated to Every Mother Counts, helping women around the world get access to essential maternity care.

Double points!

6. This cool strapped phone case thing

Bandolier Case
(Amazon)

Phones keep getting bigger, but most women’s pockets are, like, vacuum sealed. Rather than trying to squeeze a phone and wallet into a vice grip, this Bandolier phone case has slots for credit cards, ID, and cash. (Slots count as pockets.) It’s great for beach days, hikes, or when mom somehow ends up carrying everyone else’s stuff at the mall.

Strap it in!

7. Overalls, the unsung hero of mom-wear.

Mom in Overalls
(Getty/Tang Ming Tung)

Overalls don’t get enough love. They’re comfortable, have pockets everywhere, and look great…at least on women. I don’t care if you’re doing Chip Gains-level home maintenance, any dude in overalls looks like Huckleberry Finn, don’t @ us. They’re win-win, because overalls are casual and stylish for her, but practical and comfortable, also for her.

Button it up!

8. This coat with the normal amount of pockets, but they’re really big

Big Pocket Teddy Jacket
(Walmart)

This is called a Teddy Jacket, and without doing any fact-checking, we’re going to say that’s because it looks like a teddy bear. But unlike teddy bears, this gift is useful because of it’s massive pockets! She could fit a whole novel in each, and still have room for keys, and a couple different Paw Patrol toys.

Fluff it up!

9. This sweater that says “my pockets are as vast as time and space itself.”

Galaxy Hooide
(Walmart)

Okay, the pockets aren’t that big, but the design is perfect for telling your wife she’s out of this world.

*Holds for applause.*

…ahem. Fair warning, this isn’t the warmest of hoodies – it’s fairly thin, just like the fabric of our universe. But it’s cool, because that way she can be far out year-round.

Engage!

10. A fancy robe for feeling fancy, even with kids

Robe Mom
(Getty/Paul Bradberry)

It’s time to upgrade the robes you swiped from the hotel on your honeymoon. Little things make all the difference, like having 5-star resort level comfort while getting peanut butter out of a kid’s hair. That means microfiber, baby! Why robes have pockets is something many have wondered. But that is not our place to question.

Check in to luxury!

11. This long hoodie that says “it’s over for you bitches”

Long Hoodie
(Walmart)

The one problem with normal hoodies is the pocket design. They’re too close to hem, and it feels weird. Wasted pocket potential. Well, no more. This shirt/dress/jacket is the best of all worlds.

Make the power move!

December Streaming Guide: What’s New On Netflix, Amazon, and HBO.

The Dad Approved December Streaming Picks
(IMDB)

Dads don’t always get to control the remote, so when the time comes, we need to be ready. Here are our picks for the best movies and shows coming to Netflix, Amazon Prime and HBO Now this month. (We know it’s December, but we’re mostly skipping the holiday stuff. You’ve seen ’em.)

FAMILY FRIENDLY FLICKS (mostly):

These are great for the whole family. Ideal for that night you come home with the perfect Christmas tree, set it up in the corner, and collectively decide that you’re too tired to decorate it yet.

Netflix:

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs (December 1st)
One of the first in the recent trend of kid’s movies being way funnier than you’d think they could be.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs Laugh
(Gify)

Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle (December 7th)
This movie hasn’t gotten much attention in the wake of the Disney “Live Action” Jungle Book movie, but is directed by motion capture master Andy Serkis, and features Christian Bale, Cate Blanchet, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Serkis himself in a more faithful adaptation of the original Kipling stories.

Voltron Legendary Defender: Season 8 (December 14th)
We’re not going to say it’s as good as the one we watched when we were kids, but it’s not like we’re gonna just…not watch Voltron.

Voltron
Actual footage of my kid getting home for winter break. (Giphy)

3Below: Tales From Arcadia (December 21st)
Guillermo Del Toro’s second show in set in the Trollhunters universe, about rogue aliens on the run from bounty hunters (awesome). Reasonably sure nobody will fall in love with a fish here,  but you just never know with this guy.

Avengers: Infinity War (December 25th)
Disney is planning to snatch all their Marvel and Star Wars movies back for their own streaming service, so check out the ultimate superhero showdown before it’s gone in a….you know…

Thanos-Snap Comic
(Doyouevencomicbook.com/John Robinson IV - Jim Starlin, George Perez, Ron Lim)

Amazon Prime:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (December 1st)
Remember when Raphael said a bad word in the first five minutes, and it was like “whoa, this is different than the cartoon?”  Anyway, if you miss the days of rubber suit ninja action, this will probably blow your kids’ minds.

Groundhog Day (December 1st)
“Ok, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties cause it’s coooooold out there today.”

Groundhog Day Winter
(Giphy)

The Dark Crystal (December 1st)
Jim Henson’s successful attempt to live forever in our nightmares is a family classic, apparently.

The Dark Crystal Mouth Muppet
(Giphy)

The Naked Gun Trilogy (December 1st)
Ok, these are maybe, technically, probably not suitable for kids. Like, at all. But let’s be real, your dad probably showed them to you when you were too young, and it’s those traditions that makes the holidays special.

HBO Now:

The Land Before Time (All 2,000 of them available December 1st)
Don Bluth is a legend, and the first adventure of Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Spike, and Petrie is a must-see! The other entries in the series…also exist.

Ready Player One (December 8th)
Every 80s kid’s favorite director made a movie for aughts kids.

Spider-Man Spielberg
This is pretty much how it happened. (ImageFlip)

 

The Dad After Dark:

Check out these titles after the kids go to bed. Assuming you are still awake yourself, that is.

Netflix:

The Big Lebowski (December 1st)
Sam Elliot hasn’t aged in 20 years, which is something we’re looking into. Also, you know, this is one of the best comedies ever made, so.

The Dude Abides
(giphy)

Friday (December 1st)
You know the meme, but have you seen the original? This classic comedy is still leaving it’s mark on pop culture, 23 years later. Don’t believe us? Bye, Felicia.

Friday
(Giphy)

Terminator Salvation (December 1st)
Is this movie good? Is that really what’s important here? As the entry in the franchise that you probably didn’t pay actual money to go see, it’s the ideal “too tired to pay attention to anything” entertainment choice. Plus, if enough people watch this, maybe they’ll bring back the actually great Sarah Conner Chronicles.

District 9 (December 4th)
The best father/son shrimp monster relationship in movie history.

District 9
(Giphy)

The American Meme (December 7th)
This might end up being the most fun or most depressing thing you ever watch, depending on your relationship with social media. Great if you need a reminder why it’s good to limit your kids’ screen time.

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale (Available December 14th)
If you are getting some strong Buffy vibes from this take on the Archie comic universe, you’re not alone. In fact, Buffy/Angel star Alexis Denisof is joining the cast for season 2. But first, step back in time with this holiday special that’s sure add some Halloween spirit to the holiday…ahem…solstice season.

Springsteen on Broadway (December 16th)
Oh, is the Boss performing a special Tony Award winning solo show about his relationship with his father? Cool. Cool cool cool. We’re just gonna be chopping some onions over here, don’t mind us.

Springsteen
(Tenor/CatalinaJoel)

Theory of Everything (December 16th)
“However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at.” – Stephen Hawking, winner of The Dad’s first-ever Father of the Space Time Continuum Award.

Amazon Prime:

The Game (December 1st)
Before escape rooms were a thing, this David Fincher thriller had Michael Douglas on the run in a maybe real/maybe not race to escape his father’s legacy. It’s the most fun you probably don’t want to actually have.

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel Season 2 (December 5th)
If Tony Shaloub in this series isn’t your Dad Goals inspiration, then what are you even doing?

Mrs Maisel Dad
(Giphy)

Hereditary (December 27th)
Here’s the thing. Don’t watch this movie. Is it a well made, wonderfully acted, beautifully shot piece of cinema that tells a compelling story of grief, depression, and the impact parents have on our lives? Yes, absolutely, it’s one of the best films of the year. Do we wish we could burn it from our memory and wash our eyeballs in bleach after seeing it? 100%. Even if you don’t mind gore, and could watch brainless teenagers get off’d at summer camp all day long, trust us. This is not that kind of horror movie. Real talk, parent-to-parent: This movie. Is. Upsetting.

Hereditary Dad
(Giphy)

HBO Now:

Inception (December 1st)
Leonardo DiCaprio folds a city in half in order to get back to his kids, when they could have just easily come to him, but didn’t because they’re stubborn. One of the most honest stories of fatherhood ever told.

So there you have it! The Dad’s binge watch guide to get your family through the winter. Now, these are just the titles we don’t want you to miss. But if you’ve got vacation time coming up…

The Full List

Here’s all of it!

Netflix:

December 1st

  • 8 Mile
  • Astro Boy
  • Battle
  • Bride of Chucky
  • Christine
  • Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
  • Crossroads: One Two Jaga
  • Friday
  • Friday After Next
  • Hellboy
  • Man vs Wild with Sunny Leone, season 1
  • Meet Joe Black
  • Memories of the Alhambra (streaming every Saturday)
  • My Bloody Valentine
  • Next Friday
  • Reindeer Games
  • Seven Pounds
  • Shaun of the Dead
  • Terminator Salvation
  • The Big Lebowski
  • The Great British Baking Show: Masterclass, season 5
  • The Last Dragon
  • The Man Who Knew Too Little

December 2nd

  • The Lobster

December 3rd

  • Blue Planet II, season 1
  • Hero Mask
  • The Sound of Your Heart: Reboot, season 2

December 4th

  • District 9

December 6th

  • Happy!, season 1

December 7th

  • 5 Star Christmas
  • Bad Blood
  • Dogs of Berlin
  • Dumplin’
  • Free Rein: The Twelve Neighs of Christmas
  • Mowgli: Legend of the Jungle
  • Nailed It! Holiday!
  • Neo Yokio: Pink Christmas
  • Pine Gap
  • ReMastered: Who Killed Jam Master Jay?
  • Super Monsters and the Wish Star
  • The American Meme
  • The Hook Up Plan (Plan Coeur)
  • The Ranch: Part 6

December 9th

  • Sin senos sí hay paraíso, season 3

December 10th

  • Michael Jackson’s This Is It

December 11th

  • Vir Das: Losing It

December 12th

  • Back Street Girls: Gokudols
  • Out of Many, One

December 13th

  • Wanted, season 3

December 14th

  • Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: A Midwinter’s Tale
  • Cuckoo, season 4
  • Dance & Sing with True: Songs
  • Fuller House, season 4
  • Inside the Real Narcos
  • Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons, season 3
  • Prince of Peoria: A Christmas Moose Miracle
  • Roma
  • Sunderland Til I Die
  • The Fix
  • The Innocent Man
  • The Protector
  • Tidelands
  • Travelers, season 3
  • Voltron: Legendary Defender, season 8

December 16th

  • Baby Mama
  • Kill the Messenger
  • One Day
  • Springsteen on Broadway
  • The Theory of Everything

December 18th

  • Baki
  • Ellen DeGeneres: Relatable
  • Terrace House: Opening New Doors: Part 5

December 21st

  • 3Below: Tales of Arcadia
  • 7 Days Out
  • Back With the Ex
  • Bad Seeds
  • Bird Box
  • Derry Girls
  • Diablero
  • Greenleaf, season 3
  • LAST HOPE: Part 2
  • Perfume
  • Sirius the Jaeger
  • Struggle: The Life and Lost Art of Szukalski
  • Tales by Light, season 3
  • The Casketeers
  • Wolf (BÖRÜ)

December 23rd

  • Watership Down

December 24th

  • Hi Score Girl
  • The Magicians, season 3

December 25th

  • Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown, season 11
  • Marvel Studios’ Avengers: Infinity War

December 26th

  • Alexa & Katie, season 2
  • YOU

December 28th

  • Instant Hotel
  • La noche de 12 años
  • Selection Day
  • When Angels Sleep
  • Yummy Mummies

December 30th

  • The Autopsy of Jane Doe

December 31st

  • The Bill Murray Stories: Life Lessons Learned From a Mythical Man

Amazon Prime:

December 1st

  • A Clockwork Orange
  • A Fish Called Wanda
  • A Fistful of Dollars (Per un pugno di dollari)
  • All the President’s Men
  • Bad Girls from Mars
  • Because I Said So
  • Bestseller
  • Beverly Hills Vamp
  • Blue Hill Avenue
  • Boogie Nights
  • Bright Lights, Big City
  • Event Horizon
  • Gargoyle
  • Groundhog Day
  • Happily N’Ever After
  • Happily N’Ever After 2
  • Hitman’s Run
  • King of the Mountain
  • Line of Duty
  • Livin’ by the Gun
  • Margin Call
  • Mars Attacks!
  • Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult
  • Ordinary People
  • Promised Land
  • Silent Tongue
  • Sleepover
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
  • The Black Stallion
  • The Dark Crystal
  • The Firm
  • The Game
  • The Godson
  • The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
  • The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!
  • Trucks
  • Ulee’s Gold
  • Valkyrie
  • War
  • Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins
  • Wild Wild West
  • Windtalkers

December 5th

  • The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, season 2

December 7th

  • Killers
  • Why Did I Get Married Too?

December 8th

  • Before I Fall
  • Collide

December 14th

  • LOL: Last One Laughing, season 1

December 15th

  • 4 Blocks, season 2
  • Life of Crime, Mini-series

December 16th

  • Evan Almighty

December 19th

  • A Most Wanted Man

December 21st

  • Life Itself
  • Vanity Fair, season 1

December 25th

  • Iron Man 2

December 27th

  • Hereditary

December 28th

  • Niko and the Sword of Light, season 2

HBO NOW:

December 1st

  • An Innocent Man
  • The Best Man
  • The Book of Eli
  • Bootmen
  • Dave
  • Dawn of the Dead
  • George A Romero’s Land of the Dead
  • Get Him to the Greek
  • Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
  • The Hangover
  • He’s Just Not That Into You
  • Inception
  • The Land Before Time
  • The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure
  • The Land Before Time III: The Time of the Great Giving
  • The Land Before Time IV: Journey Through the Mists
  • The Land Before Time V: The Mysterious Island
  • The Land Before Time VI: The Secret of Saurus Rock
  • The Land Before Time VII: Stone of Cold Fire
  • The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze
  • The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water
  • The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration
  • Legend of the Guardians The Owls of Ga’Hoole
  • Light It Up
  • Lost River
  • Mi tesoro (aka My Treasure)
  • Rampage
  • Vida en Marte (aka Life on Mars)

December 2nd

  • Camping, season 1 finale

December 3rd

  • Say Her Name: The Life and Death of Sandra Bland

December 4th

  • HBO First Look: Mortal Engines

December 6th

  • Traffik

December 7th

  • Ice Box

December 8th

  • Ready Player One

December 10th

  • Vice Special Report: The Panic Artists
  • My Brilliant Friend, season 1 finale
  • My True Brilliant Friend

December 11th

  • Momentum Generation

December 14th

  • Room 104, season 2 finale

December 14th

  • High & Mighty

December 14th

  • Vice, season 6 finale

December 15th

  • Blockers

December 15th

  • Pete Holmes: Dirty Clean

December 16th

  • Magnifica, season 3 finale

December 17th

  • Bleed Out

December 21st

  • En El Septimo Dia (aka On the Seventh Day)

December 22nd

  • Isle of Dogs

December 23rd

  • Sally4Ever, season 1 finale

So, now it should be easy to make a decision, right?

…Right?

Inception Top
(Giphy)