Morgan Mayfield

Back To School Photo Fails

(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)

Parents love to capture the moment on the first day back to school, but sometimes that moment isn’t what we envisioned. Check out these hilarious back to school photo fails from The Dad community.

(Instagram.com/cheeksmagee)
(Facebook.com/KellySmith)
(Instagram.com/abbyjmccoy)
(Instagram.com/instagramycohen)
(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)
(Instagram.com/JoyScribner)
(Instagram.com/bullitt.with.a.name)
(Facebook.com/KristenMadral)
(Instagram.com/heatherdtomlinson)

Dad With Too Much Free Time Gets Carried Away Photoshopping Babadook Puns

(twitter.com/MattMcC1)

What happens when a dad sees a pun he really likes and has too much free time? Chaos, absolute chaos. @MattMcC1 saw this tweet by @trojansauce where the main character of the Netflix horror film The Babadook is photoshopped into a photo of the Doobie brothers.

To say Matt was inspired is an understatement. Scroll down to see how far Matt, henceforth known as The Babadork, is able to take this joke. When you think he can’t possibly still be going, keep scrolling.

For even more Babadooks, follow Matt on Twitter. And for good measure, no post about Babadooks on Twitter would be complete without including this tweet.

Long live The Babadook, and all the Twitter users committed to their Babadook jokes.

10 Kid Snacks You’ll Eat Like A Rodent Scavenger

(Getty/AndreyPopov)

Move over Guy Fieri, it’s me: a parent willing to devour any chunk of processed garbage I find in the crevices of the backseat of my minivan. Okay, I wouldn’t eat Crevice Snacks (at least not without a Food Network contract), but I have sampled – even enjoyed – a cornucopia of snacks a more sophisticated (aka, lame) adult would miss out on. Sometimes parenting is a tough gig, but if we’re being honest, the always-available snacks are a perk.

1 Fruit Snacks: Fruit's Very Distant Cousin

Here’s one of life’s great mysteries: Why are gummies in a plastic pouch a healthy snack, but once they take bear-form, they become candy? Who cares?! Give me all the red ones or you’re grounded.

(Getty/5PH)

2 Lunchables, For When You're Lunch-unable.

Me at the grocery store: Why would I spend $3 on some weird meat and crackers and a heap of plastic when I could make this myself so easily.

Me at home, reaching for my kid’s Lunchable at midnight: It would ruin my life to cut up meat and cheese and open a sleeve of crackers right now.

(Getty/Juanmonino)

3 Liquid Sugar In A Pouch

I don’t know why sugar water tastes so much better sucked through a straw out of a foil pouch, but I’ll slam a whole box of these at your summer barbecue. 12 come in a box, 1 for each of my kids and 10 for me.

(Getty/inkspotts)

4 Granola Bars AKA Hanger Stavers

Granola bars are one of those snacks we buy for kids because the word granola is healthy, and we’re happy to ignore that the granola is held together with what is essentially glue made out of high fructose corn syrup. Anyway, these babies come in CLUTCH when you’re on a family outing and the Hanger kicks in.

(Getty/Jean Pierre Pinochet)

5 I love the fishes because they're so readily available.

Let’s be real, these are not so delicious. If you enjoy chewing on cardboard with a vaguely cheesy aftertaste that lingers for hours, good for you. For the rest of us, we eat goldfish crackers because, if we don’t, they’ll end up ground up in the carpet.

(Getty Images/Garrett Aitken)

6 NUGGETS

As an adult with high cholesterol, I try not to eat fast food; but as a parent, it is my privilege, NAY, MY RIGHT, to freely take from my kids’ kid’s meals. We’ve been ordering the 6-piece McNugget Happy Meal for awhile but my son still thinks it’s 4-piece. Please do not tell him. Honorable mention to the french fries at the bottom of the bag which are all for me and whose calories stop counting once they fall out of their little fry bag.

(Getty/Juanmonino)

7 Gimme Some Of Your Tots

My kids won’t laugh at my Napoleon Dynamite tots voice, and as punishment I eat all their tots. I don’t know why potatoes in other shapes are grown up and these thick potato cylinders are just for kids, but I’m thankful I’m a parent so I have tot access (and someone to carry on my legacy or whatever – but mostly the tots).

(Getty/shanecotee)

8 Hunks Of Cheese

When I’m tired of processed pantry snacks I reach into the cheese drawer for one or two or three of these. More often though, I’m mindlessly devouring a half-eaten string cheese I find on the corner of the coffee table, sweaty and warm from the hours its spent abandoned there.

(Getty/greenp)

9 My Daily Dose Of Calcium And Vitamin D

Drinking a children’s drink out of a tiny cup doesn’t make you any less of a man. You can keep your whiskey neat, give me a damn glass of ice cold chocolate milk and I will drink that shit until I get a belly ache.

(Getty/-Ivinst-)

10 Kid Cereal? More Like Late Night Cereal

I can’t eat my kid’s cereal in the morning. I’m not diabetic but that amount of sugar early in the day will put me in a diabetic coma. But you know late at night I’m up in the pantry pouring Coco Puffs, Lucky Charms, or Cinnamon Toast Crunch into the largest mixing bowl I can find, only to play dumb in the morning when my kid asks why there’s only bottom-of-the-box cereal powder left.

(Getty/p_saranya)

Before you side eye me, remember: Judge not, lest ye be judged. Let he who has not scooped a bite of cold mac ‘n’ cheese with hot dogs out of a plastic bowl left out on the counter for a few hours after dinner cast the first stone. Admit it, you’ve had all these snacks and sometimes you even liked them. One day our kids will move out and we’ll be faced with the dilemma of whether we buy this shit for ourselves or not. Until then, we’ll just have to keep sampling all of our kid’s snacks to… uhh… make sure it’s not poisonous.

QUIZ: Which Superhero Dad Are You?

(Getty/LightFieldStudios)

It’s a bird… it’s a plane… IT’S A DAD!

Dads are heroes to their kids, but which one specifically? You probably don’t have super powers (grill skills and dad jokes don’t count, sorry). But now, by answering some simple questions, you can find out which superhero style your parenting aligns with best. Up, up, and click away!

Your Kids Are Creepy

(Facebook)

Sometimes kids are sweet, sometimes they’re cute, and sometimes they say the darnedest things. Other times, they hover over you in the middle of the night, eyes glowing in the darkness, until you wake up your wife screaming. They wave at people no one else can see, whisper strange things to imaginary friends, stare blankly into space, and make you wonder if exorcisms are covered under your insurance plan. We asked you on Facebook to tell us the creepiest stuff your kids do, promising a free Dad t-shirt to the comment with the most likes. You and your creepy children did not disappoint. We laughed, we groaned at your Dad Jokes, and best of all, we got creeped the heck out.

10. [Vampire Voice] I Vant To Suck Your Bank Account Dry

This isn’t creepy, but this is a site for dads, and I’ll be damned if this isn’t the most Dad AF thing I’ve ever read.

9. Kitchen Appliance Scare

Again…dad AF.

8. It Always Feels Like Somebody's Watchin' Me

This is adorable, but I understand how it could be alarming if you weren’t expecting it.

7. The Discerning Palette

Someone put this kid in a wine tasting group. Wait. I mean, don’t. Not yet.

6. Alium Invasion

I hope weird is an effective defense against alien invasion.

5. Kiddy Litter

This will only get creepier with age.

4. You're Making Me Squirrely

Uh, no thanks chief.

3. Snake Neck Closet Man

There were many tales of kids talking to someone who wasn’t there, and Snake Neck Closet Man is the one that is keeping us all awake at night.

2. Culinary Frankenstein

Congratulations Darrell, you’re our runner-up and you’re raising a monster.

1. And The Winner Is... [drumroll]

Eric will soon have a Dad t-shirt in his possession. Speaking of possession, someone get this baby an exorcist.

They warned us we wouldn’t sleep as parents, we just didn’t know it would be because our kids are giving us nightmares. Thanks for playing, please accept our condolences about your haunted kids.

Knock Off Toys That Should Honestly Knock It Off

(Crave Online)

It feels like the holidays happened a lifetime ago until I look at my bank account and realize I’m still feeling the aftershocks of purchasing exorbitantly priced chunks of plastic branded with characters I hate, many of which I’ve hurt myself stepping on by now. Sure, Christmas morning was magic, but there’s nothing magic about hearing me scream, “I’LL THROW THIS SHIT IN THE GARBAGE IF IT’S STILL ON THE FLOOR WHEN I GET BACK.” Maybe next time, instead of throwing away a bunch of money on obnoxious trash, I’ll try the knockoff of whatever piece of crap was advertised to them the most on YouTube. Maybe, just maybe, the knockoff is just as good. Maybe…

Sonic Obama Backpack
(The Sun)

Harry Potter, Obama, and Sonic the Hedgehog are the new Three Musketeers. Screw my kids, I need this. Goodbye briefcase, hello timeless style.

Woody Space Boys
(imgur)

From the creators of Toy Jam 1 and Boy Story 2, we present Space Boys 3 featuring Oaky the space cowboy who for some reason has giant hands.

Who's Your Friend
(Reddit)

When they decided to rip off Guess Who, suggested names included “Gary, Is That You,” “Guess Whom,” and “Who The Fuck Is That?”

(Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride)

Your favorite hero besides Batman is here to save the world, one bowl of hot liquid food at a time!

(Crave Online)

Bust my buffers, these engines are about to cause confusion and delay. Those dirty diesels better watch their cabooses.

(Reddit)

Who doesn’t love sharing the sci-fi fantasy capable of uniting generations with their kids? Surely Star Wars falls under the umbrella of the larger Universal War, featuring beloved characters like some alien guys, bad weather trooper, dark invader, and I guess the Tin Man?

(History Maniac Megan)

Listen, kids. Daddy isn’t angry at you, he is just ill-tempered about waking up at 5 A.M. to the sound of cereal being poured all over the kitchen floor.

(Reddit)

Everyone remembers Shrek’s famous line to Donkey, “You won’t like me when I’m angry.”

(Pinterest)

While you and your friend argued over who would be Mario and who would be Luigi, some smart kid with cash to spare enjoyed taking on the role of forgotten Japanese/Italian cousin Super Mariano.

(Reddit)

Classic God Jesus coming through with flowers. I’m not sure what this knocks off. I guess God and/or Jesus, but I feel strongly it’s a better value than any other version on the market.

(Sad and Useless)

New Style Mutant Ninja Tortoise,

New Style Mutant Ninja Tortoise,

Tortoise in a half-price shell!

Tortoise power!

(eonline)

Ah yes, Bear of the Interest. From the 100-Acre Outdoor Space, with friends like Boy of the Interest, Pig of the Interest, and little Roo of the Interest.

(Reddit)

This isn’t Jesus, it’s Manny! Do NOT confuse these very popular action figures!

(Smosh)

If you feel like Barbie is problematic, Benign Girl has good news for you and your daughter. Give her a call on this phone.

(DailyMail)

The game for when Sorry just isn’t cutting it. My family likes to follow it with a game of Please, Sharon, You Know I Didn’t Mean It and wrap the evening up with Fine, I’ll Sleep On The Couch.

 

Well, I can’t say the knockoffs knocked my socks off. Imagine how detached from reality you’d have to be to give your kids Souperman action figures believing it’s truly the thought that counts. I guess deep down, the material possessions aren’t meaningful, but my willingness to bend to their will is. For now I’ll be sticking to my kids’ Amazon wish list but good luck to any of you brave enough to venture into the realm of the generic. Let me know how it goes.

Black Mirror Tweets Worth Reflecting On

It’s January, we’re all broke, and it’s too cold to go outside, so you know you’ve been Netflix binging. When Black Mirror Season 4 was released on the last Friday of 2017, many of the hard-working contributors at twitter.com eagerly logged into their Netflix accounts and dove into the latest collection of “entertainment.” For many of us, Black Mirror hits uncomfortably close to home. Fortunately, Twitter has a sense of humor, so let’s take a break from examining the potential horrors of technology, and laugh through the discomfort with Twitter’s best Black Mirror tweets.

1 You Do Be On That Phone Though

Deep down we know Black Mirror is about us, like specifically YOU, reading this right now, and also me, much to my chagrin. I’m taking it personally and I am deeply unsettled.

2 Technology Is Bad

WE GET IT, OKAY? WE SHOULD BE TERRIFIED.

3 The Lou, Nigel!

It’s easy to laugh about something scary if you think about it in an exaggerated accent.

4 Buffering

I watched 2 hours of Black Mirror buffering and was the most intellectual person at the water cooler in the office the next day.

5 Black Mirror Existing is a Black Mirror Episode

Ha ha I love reading this joke on my Apple device that I also use as a remote to watch Black Mirror on my Apple TV that is connected to The Cloud that I don’t really understand but which holds all of my passwords to manage every aspect of my life ha ha this is fine.

6 Phones are Black Mirrors!!!

Be honest, you remember where you were the first time you realized Black Mirror is a reference to your phone screen.

7 Pretty Accurate

A twist! The tables have turned in a way that fits thematically with the series!!!

8 Download A Car

But if you had the choice to download a car or a milkshake what would you do?

9 Admit It, You've Already Considered This

A picture says a thousand words that, to be honest, are pretty awkward to think up and type out.

10 Death By Battery Loss

Every time my phone dies I mourn it like a death in the family.

11 Actually, My Refrigerator Is My Mom

Okay, but I do sometimes call my refrigerator Mom because she takes care of me and whenever something goes wrong I just want her.

12 Horses Are Technology

For real, we can all calm down because there were legit people who were like “we shouldn’t print books this will change the world IN AN UNKNOWABLE BUT DEFINITELY BAD SCARY WAY.” Books and horses turned out good, I’m sure sex robots will be fine.

13 Mirr, Mirror, Mirrest

You can’t argue with sound logic.

14 The Science Checks Out

On the next Black Mirror: I try to figure out what color mirrors are and my head actually explodes.

15 Battery Mum

DO NOT GET HIGH AND WATCH BLACK MIRROR, IT’S TOO MUCH

16 Insufferable

Applying critical thinking skills to technology as it relates to society and interpersonal relationships is the new growing a beard and cuffing your jeans so your ankles show. Sitting a trend out is always an option.

14 Generic Grocery Brands Sure To Bring Shame To Your Family

(oola)

Every father knows part of being a good parent is embarrassing the hell out of your kids. If you’re worried you aren’t doing enough in the humiliation department, we’ve got a short cut for you: Buy generic anything.

Make your children suffer unspeakable turmoil by buying exactly the same thing in a box with the wrong cartoon character on it. Revel in their despair as you greedily count the stacks of nickels you’ve saved by not giving in to their pleas to buy the cool normal stuff Aiden’s family has in their pantry.

We’re on your side here. That’s why we scoured the web in search of the most ridiculous generic grocery products we could find. Let’s take a look at 15 products guaranteed to make your kids roll their eyes and scoff “oh my god dad why did you even buy this!?”

(awesomeinventions)

Panburger Partner, Hamburger Helper, Potburger Pal, Barbecueburger Bro, Skilletburger Sidekick… who cares, as long as your dinner in a box is supportive.

(the epoch times)

I need some laundry detergent for my mind after thinking “get a load of those Tids.”

(mybrands)

Nut Scooters is what happens when you take a ride on your kid’s Razor after too many drinks and fall on to the handlebars.

(can it go bad)

A strong arm representing a cleaning/baking product? Reasonable enough I suppose. A hatchet? Uh, maybe calm down?

I guess if you think about it hard enough a hammer is on the intense side too considering the typical uses for baking soda. Is there a baking soda where a severed arm isn’t yielding a weapon? Because I might be interested in that.

(flickr)

Why do the dew when you can go mountain shoutin’?!

My perfect weekend? Pounding a crisp caffeinated soda and biking up steep rocky terrain with my buds, finally reaching the mountain summit where we just shout until we lose our voices. Nothing makes me feel alive like Mountain Shoutin’.

(laelwilcox)

Life, Live It Up! Flavor it with cinnamon! Save on living it up when you use your club card! Live It Up to the max by sticking to your grocery budget! Live It Up by taking the time to use one of those free sanitizing wipes on your grocery cart to prevent the spread of germs!  Live It Up by ensuring you eat a balanced meal before shopping so you’re not making decisions based on hunger!

(complex)

Prongles: Once you open, you can’t stop hopin’ (dad never buys this creepy board sport pig brand again).

(Smosh)

I love that Dr. Pepper doesn’t have any flavor descriptors so how do you describe it? Doctor flavored bubble juice? Essence of doctor? Tongue tickling doctor water? “Honey, at the grocery store today just get me any soda by a doctor.”

(viralcraze)

0 out of 5 dentists recommend Crust.

(andwhatsnext)
(G3)

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! Could it be butter? You’d Butter Believe It! Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. For me the exclamation point is the selling point on this. My kids ask me a million questions a day, I don’t need to take questions from my butter alternative.

(fizx)

I had a dog named Cocoa and there is no way I’m putting any Cocoa Drops in my mouth, sorry.

(mutually.com)

My grandma buys off brand Oreos and they’re all horrible but at least these have the redeeming quality of x-rated innuendo. Sorry Grandma, for both parts of that sentence.

(oola)

Silly Racoon, Pranks are for underprivileged children embarrassed to have friends sleep over because what if they expect to eat name brand cereal in the morning?

——-

Your kids may groan and call you cheap, but you’ll be laughing your way to the Coinstar to cash in your spare change.