Jordan Stratton or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Jordan Stratton

Jordan is one of those guys in his 30s who went to school for a really long time but still has no idea what he wants to do when he grows up. He eats an unhealthy amount of cereal, spends an irrational amount of time on the internet, and would be delighted if you followed him on Twitter.

Reddit Users Share Their Best “Don’t Tell Mom” Stories

(Getty/Hello World)

As any father worth his salt will tell you, there are some things they want their children to experience that their spouse probably wouldn’t be too thrilled about. It might be something small like buying some candy on the way home or something major like pulling them out of school to attend a baseball game.

They’re moments that build bonds and create meaningful memories, and usually, it’s the secretive nature of them that makes them so special.

Reddit user HumblePlatypus recently asked dads for their best “Don’t tell mom” stories and with over 800 comments, there were some real beauties.

Get ready for some wholesome dad secrets, and most importantly… DON’T TELL MOM:

1. When you’re raising a little narc

2. Technically, the truth

3. Too much of a good thing

4. Player 2 has entered the game

5. The most important meal

6. Salty and sweet

7. Fingers crossed they showed up to the same safety course

8. You know we’re married, right?

9. It was… inevitable

10. The perfect remedy

11. He’s lovin’ it

12. Always get your stories straight

13. Just another day of driving with a head injury

14. Start them young

15. Oh, FUN is against the law now?

16. Oh no… IT’S A SETUP, BOYS

Daughter Sticks Cheez-It To Dad’s Wall—Goes Unnoticed for 4 Years

(Twitter/_sarahsmithhh)

While obviously not the case across the board, quite a few dads and husbands get called out for their lack of attention to detail. Sure, we overlooked the socks on the floor, but only because we were busy thinking about whether or not today is trash day, how we’re going to fix the dishwasher, and whether we can make it to and from the kids’ various sports practices in time. We’re big-picture guys.

Nowhere has an example of a “big-picture dad” been so perfectly illustrated than when Sara Smith stuck a Cheez-It to her father’s wall.

The epic tale starts on November 26, 2015, when Sara decided to tack an actual Cheez-It to the wall. You see, not only did her dad not notice the orange cracker, but he was completely oblivious to it… for years.

Little did Sara know that this little cracker would turn into her online legacy.

Weeks passed without so much as a word from her dad, and it’s not like it was hidden away in some obscure location. It was literally right at eye-level. Above a framed painting. Bright as a traffic cone.

And it just keeps getting better.

Roughly four months into this charade, Sara’s dad decides to rearrange the furniture. The man moves a bookshelf directly in front of the Cheez-It. Just… how?

Sara, clearly a woman of science, decides to move the cracker to a new painfully obvious location in the room, preserving the integrity of her experiment.

Fast-forward about a year-and-a-half later. Has Sara’s dad discovered the Cheez-It?

Of course not. She simply needed to replace the cracker since they were never made to withstand such hilarious conditions. In fact, this was the second time she had to replace the cheesy bite.

Two years after she originally tacked the Cheez-It to the wall, Sara actually ended up moving out of her dad’s place, but she was determined to keep the experiment going. Literally thousands were following this hilarious escapade now.

She received regular updates from her stepmom about the cracker’s status and she even trolled her dad one year with a box of Cheez-Its.

Just look at that adorable, oblivious face.

At the end of December 2018, over three years from the original Cheez-It hanging, Sara decided to once again swap out the old cracker for a new one. She even posted a comparison shot to show just how much they change over time.

However, on October 6, 2019, the great Cheez-It experiment ended as abruptly as it had begun 1,140 days prior—not because Sara’s dad suddenly realized there was a bright orange cracker on his wall, but due to a simple slip-up from her brother-in-law.

Sara explained that her brother-in-law noticed the Cheez-It missing from the wall and assumed it had finally been discovered. When he asked Sara’s dad about it, though, he still had no idea what he was talking about.

It had simply disintegrated from the tack and fallen to the floor by itself.

In a subsequent tweet, Sara explains her frustration that she “will never know just how unobservant my dad is.” Though, going 1,140 days was probably overkill as it is.

Personally, I’m just surprised a dad was unable to sense an unclaimed snack in his house to begin with.

World-Class Violinist Volunteers to Play Music for Shelter Dogs

(ASPCA)

Just because man’s best friend can’t read music, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy it.

Professional violinist Martin Agee has played in world-renowned concert halls during his career, from Carnegie Hall to the Sydney Opera House, but lately, he’s been spending his time entertaining an audience of the four-legged variety. Every few weeks, he brings his violin to American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals’ Adoption Center in New York City and the effect it has on the dogs is incredible.

“The instant the bow hits the string, you get a reaction like, ‘What just happened?’ It’s stunning to see,” he told the TODAY show.

Agee started volunteering at the ASPCA more than two-and-a-half years ago as a way to cope after losing his greyhound rescue, Melody. In light of the joy Melody brought into Agee’s life, he signed on as an adoption coordinator at his local shelter.

During his time, he became more and more interested in the ASPCA’s storytelling program, where volunteers would sit down and read to dogs as a way to help calm and facilitate rehabilitation for animals who had been abused.

(ASPCA)

“I almost jokingly said to some people, ‘Well, maybe I’ll play my violin for the dogs when I’m there,’” he recalled. “Little did I realize that that would become a reality.”

The reaction to the music was immediate and amazing. Energetic dogs settle down in order to listen. Shy dogs dare to wander closer to the front of their enclosures to see. It’s almost as if it brings these animals to a calm equilibrium.

“It’s really incredible to watch the impact his music has on the dogs and how quickly they respond,” Kris Lindsay, senior director at the ASPCA, told TODAY.

(ASPCA)

The only hard part is that Agee gets attached to many of the dogs through his music, making it harder to say goodbye when they finally get adopted, but he knows that finding new, loving homes is always the primary goal.

“And maybe there will be music there as well,” he said with a smile.

Gordon Ramsay Admits He Fainted During Son’s Birth

(Instagram/gordongram)

Beloved chef and professional rage monster Gordon Ramsay is officially a father again. Welcoming his fifth child, Oscar, into the family, the fiery-tempered Masterchef host admitted that this one wasn’t just another trip to the hospital. Yes, this potty-mouthed bad boy of the culinary world finally met his match when the sight of his newborn son actually caused him to faint.

“Tana didn’t want to see me there for previous births, she said ‘I don’t want you to see me in this state so get out.’ This time around, I was there and I absolutely shit my pants. I fainted. I literally dropped on the floor,” Ramsay recalled on the Jonathan Ross Show.

“I was sat there and Oscar popped out through the sunroof and then they sort of throw you on him and he’s screaming and I fell back, the nurse grabbed me.”

For a man so accustomed to screaming, you wouldn’t think hearing it from an infant would affect him so strongly.

Even the soothing soundtrack of Ed Sheeren in the background wasn’t enough to keep Ramsay calm and conscious.

“I put Ed on to calm everybody. I put Ed on then I blacked out, I fainted like an idiot. Have you ever been in the [operating] theatre where there is so much commotion, so much going on? And then bang. I’ve never fainted in my life, by the way, that was the first time.

 

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Lunch with my boys @_jackrams3y_ @oscarjramsay @prawnonthelawn #padstowharbour

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The hardass chef then confessed that he simply doesn’t have what it takes to deliver babies (besides the obvious reasons): “It’s scary, it’s full on also they are experts [the doctors] and I’m a control freak so I was like ‘Get me the hell out of here, please.'”

Ramsay miraculously survived the daring experience of watching someone else give birth though, and he’s finally kicking back and relaxing with his new, terrifying bundle of joy.

“He is six months, it’s extraordinary, also for the rest of the kids it’s just a welcome bundle of joy. And boy, does that take you back!”

Congrats, Chef. Just try and leave the pants-shitting to him from now on. Okay, big guy?

Check Out This Super Tap Dance Medley to the Mario Bros. Theme Music

Mario Bros Tap Dance Medley
(YouTube/Postmodern Jukebox & Nintendo)

If you’re anything like me, the Super Mario Bros. theme song is engrained deep in your DNA somewhere. I swear, that joyful, bouncy tune starts jostling around my noggin on a weekly basis for no reason whatsoever, and I’m sure I’m not the only one—it is unreasonably catchy.

It is so iconic, in fact, that it’s one of the most popular songs that artists cover and parody in all kinds of ways. For example, Postmodern Jukebox just posted an incredible tap medley of Mario Bros tunes and it might just make you fall in love with it all over again.

Postmodern Jukebox is known for taking popular songs and giving them an old-timey or jazzy spin. You may have already heard they renditions of Radiohead’s “Creep” or The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army.”  My personal favorites are the ones featuring Puddles, the sad clown with the golden voice. His cover of Lorde’s “Royals” is pure magic.

Of course, this video game-honoring production is the first to feature the wicked talents of Demi Remick. Her blistering performance in her awesome and appropriately-themed outfit is enough to make anyone’s jaw drop.

As for me, if I ever want to perform these tunes, I’ll do it sitting sedentary on a couch with a controller in my hand, thanks.

‘PooPaint’ Potty Training Toilet Paper Makes Art out of a Crappy Situation

(Poo Paint)

We’re all used to kids gifting us with crappy art but this is getting ridiculous.

Designed to help make potty training fun and strangely artistic, PooPaint toilet paper provides your little guy or gal with various paper canvases on which they can create one masterpiece after another.

(Poo Paint)

Each drawing comes with dotted-lines where they can fill in the blanks—a poop-based Paint By Numbers, if you will.

It’s probably best not to think too long about what the images are, though: A turd-necked giraffe, a poop snail, a hamburger with… oh my god, it’s a literal “dung burger.”

(Poo Paint)

As weird as it is, this might be worth a shot if your little Van Gogh needs some inspiration to go. PooPaint toilet paper is a product of Japan and available online for 500 yen ($4.65) and is sure to look adorable in any child’s bathroom and hilarious in any art studio.

But if the canvas isn’t blank, you should flush it instead of putting it on the fridge.

‘D is for Dad’ is the Daddest ABC Book Ever

Dad is for Dad ABC Book
(The Dad)

The Dad is all about building a positive community and celebrating modern fatherhood in all of its wonderful, messy glory, and what better way to connect and bond with your son or daughter than by reading together?

Enter: D is for Dad.

This new alphabet book has been specially curated to help your little tikes learn their ABC’s along with some primo dad humor along the way.

“There are a bunch of ABC books out there, but none of them are quite dad enough. So we set out to make the daddest ABC book ever made,” said Joel Willis, The Dad executive editor and co-author of D is for Dad.

“It’s a mix of classic dad jokes, dad-isms, and some sentimental stuff. So dads (and anyone for that matter!) can read the book to their kid and teach them the ABCs and Dad 101 at the same time.”

Sure, reading and spelling are important but imagine the pride and joy you’ll experience when you hear your toddler mutter, “Nice to meet you, Hungry. I’m dad.”

“This book perfect for dad/kid bonding time,” commented Ally Probst, deputy editor for The Dad and co-author of the book. “It’s funny but it also sends the message to the child that they are loved and their dad is always there for them. That’s what reading together is all about, and that’s what parenting is all about.”

And don’t be afraid to grab it for an up-and-coming dad-to-be. While he might not be helping anyone learn their ABC’s anytime soon, D for Dad includes tons of dad fundamentals that he needs to know, like what he needs to do with that finger.

While the writing is chock-full of delicious dad humor, what makes the book really pop are the wonderful monster illustrations by Cambridge artist Daniela Sosa.

“When doing the character design, we wanted to make the Dad character relatable for everyone, so we decided to go for a creature/monster instead of a human character,” Sosa explained.

“In the end, we went for a big, somewhat bulky body shape to show how dads are perceived by their kids: big, strong, and with huge hands that can lift anything. In contrast to his body, his face is friendly and warm to show his caring nature. As for clothes, this was an easy choice – cargo shorts!”

“As a dad myself, I remember looking for books that I could read with my daughter that I would find fun, too, and that was tough,” remarked co-author Dave Campanaro.  “There are lots of great kids books for kids… but not necessarily a lot of great kids books that dads will enjoy just as much. That’s what we think we’ve created.”

So, if you’re ready to educate some kids and delight some dads along the way, D is for Dad is available for preorder right now at shop.thedad.com/collections/bookstore!

While you’re there, check out our other brand-spanking-new products, too! We have a revamped version of the popular Dad-isms day calendar reformatted for the 2020 calendar year as well as a sultry new monthly calendar called “The Objects of Dad’s Desire” (hey, we can’t always be kid-friendly, right?).

‘Avengers: Damage Control’ is an Actual UNTETHERED VR Game

Avengers VR Game
(YouTube/Marvel Ent)

If you’ve ever dreamt about joining up with Earth’s mightiest heroes, you’re in luck!

The new virtual reality experience Avengers: Damage Control throws players into the role of the newest Avengers recruit, fighting alongside everyone’s favorite superheroes from the Marvel Universe.

But don’t get complacent just because you’re decked out in a fancy new power suit that combines Wakandan and Stark technology. You’ll need to bring your superpowered A-game to the battlefield to take down Ultron and his forces.

Before you say it: Yes, there seems to be a remarkable amount of damage in a game literally called Damage Control.

This immersive new game is brought to us by Marvel Studios and ILMxLAB alongside THE VOID, “a whole-body, fully immersive experience, with you, your friends and family physically inside the action.” This means players get to jump into a game, untethered, and experience a whole new virtual world of possibilities firsthand.

In this case, you and three others are equipped with state-of-the-art suits, perfect for doing battle alongside heroes like Spider-Man, Doctor Strange, and The Hulk.

“Shuri has recruited your team of four to test her latest prototype design, a powerful new suit that combines Wakandan and Stark Industries technologies. When a familiar enemy from the Avengers’ past seeks to steal the technology for themselves, your team must stop them before they unleash an oppressive new age upon the planet. Fight alongside some of your favorite Avengers like Doctor Strange, Wasp, Ant-Man, and more in a race to protect the world. Suit up, step in, and save the world in the ultimate Marvel Studios immersive experience.”

THE VOID, which has also created VR experiences for other popular franchises like Star Wars and Ghostbusters, is available in select cities in the US and Canada for players older than 10 and at least 4 feet tall. Avengers: Damage Control debuts on October 18th, and don’t delay in purchasing your tickets—it will only be available for a limited time.

United States
-Anaheim, CA
-Santa Monica, CA
-Atlanta, GA
-Minneapolis, MN
-Las Vegas, NV
-Plano, TX
-New York, NY

Canada
-Edmonton, AB
-Mississauga, ON
-Toronto, ON

Sure, a VR Iron Man game for the PS4 is cool in its own right, but this is probably closest we’ll ever get to being a real-life superhero without having to get abs. I mean, just saying that sounds exhausting.

Wendy’s ‘Feast of Legends,’ is a Full-Fledged, 100-Page Roll Playing Game

(Feast of Legends)

Sometimes, the world gives us something we never even knew we wanted. In this case, and I’m not kidding, the gift comes in the form of a role-playing game from Wendy’s.

Feast of Legends is a 100-page Dungeons & Dragons-esque RPG that utilizes everyone’s favorite d20 system, throwing players into an adventure-filled campaign in the world of Beef’s Keep.

(Once again, I feel like I have to emphasize that this is not a joke.)

Queen Wendy rules over Freshtovia, the last bastion of fresh food and hope in this realm, and you and your party are under her command.

“As queen of Freshtovia, Wendy has clapped back at all attacks on her borders,” the Feast of Legends rule book reads.

Clearly, this fresh spin on the RPG genre isn’t taking itself too seriously, but you have to appreciate the dedication and level of detail included in the literature.

(Feast of Legends)

With the assistance of your party and resident Game Master, your adventures might take you to the shining shores of Roast Beach, the eerie French Fry Forest, or possibly even the frigid tundra of The Deep Freeze.

Don’t worry, though. Armed with weapons like the Straw Shot and Great Fork, the tenacious will find victory on the battlefields, especially if they are lucky enough to roll a natural 20.

“If you roll a 20 on an attack or skill roll, you go into FEAST MODE. You do the maximum amount of attack damage, plus an additional roll of the normal attack dice.”

Best of all, Feast of Legends is free to download and definitely worth your time, even if just to read through for a chuckle—just ask Wendy’s Twitter account.

Mom Wins Halloween Every Year With Custom Crochet Costumes

(Crochetverse)

Some parents have had their kids’ Halloween costumes purchased for weeks while others are inevitably going to scour their house last minute for an old sheet so their child can go as a low-thread count ghost yet again.

And then there’s Stephanie Pokorny, who is in a complete league of her own.

You see, Stephanie and her family are self-proclaimed fanatics for Halloween… and it shows.

(Crochetverse)

“Each year, I freehand crochet full-body Halloween costumes with no actual crochet patterns for my children,” she told Bored Panda. “Sometimes these unique costumes are from classic ’80s movies, other times from whatever movie or toy is popular at the time.”

I get it. Creating fabric by interlocking loops of yarn isn’t typical ‘dad’ content, but just look at these things—it’s a frickin’ glow-in-the-dark Slimer!

(Crochetverse)

“Each of the costumes for the kids takes between 25-40 hours, and I tend to work on them over the course of about two weeks. I have been crocheting since I was 16. I was taught by my Grandma, and these creative costumes are my passion.”

Living in a small Ohio town on the shores of Lake Erie, a hefty crochet costume is ideal for staying toasty while strolling from neighborhood to neighborhood.

(Crochetverse)

“My mother made my costumes for me as a child, and I remember being beyond excited to wear them. It brings me such joy to be able to do the same for my children!”

Granted, I doubt Steph’s mom ever made her an intricate Skeletor costume with evil, glowing red eyes and adjustable mask.

(Crochetverse)

When she isn’t prepping for Halloween, Stephanie keeps her skills sharp by managing her website, Crochetverse, where she shares more of her work as well as other patterns and tutorials.

Unfortunately, they aren’t all incredible pieces of art from pop culture like these but they’re pretty impressive nonetheless.

(Crochetverse)
(Crochetverse)
(Crochetverse)
(Crochetverse)

Super Size Your Wedding for a Value Meal Price at McDonald’s in China

McDonald's Wedding in China
(Photo and Logo Courtesy of McDonald's)

If you’re “lovin’ it” so much, why don’t you marry it? Well, now you can.

For those who can’t think of a better setting for their nuptials than a fast-food restaurant, first of all… maybe try a little harder? But secondly, you’re in luck! McDonald’s is offering you and your McNugget a chance to tie the knot with one of their exclusive wedding packages.

Prices for the packages are tiered and, depending on just how much you want to doll out, offer everything that a typical wedding would, like balloon arches, photographers, and wedding favors (still no promises on a working ice cream machine, though).

(McDonald's)

Those with dreams of a McWedding will also need to make their way to Hong Kong, where 15 venues are currently offering these special services.

Sure, it would be an expensive trip, but the prices are surprisingly reasonable once you arrive. The basic package costs about $425, which reserves the venue, audio equipment and a ‘party MC’ – aka a wedding DJ.

However, if you want to spare no expense at your fast-food wedding, you can Super Size to the Love Forever Party package for around $1,200. This deluxe tier provides the bride and groom with a two-hour venue rental, two McDonald’s balloon wedding rings, and a balloon bridal bouquet in addition to everything else – a relative steal considering the average wedding in the US costs about $30,000.

(McDonald's)

Of course, you can also choose from the a la carte menu when it comes to your big day, like the ‘Loving You’ table balloons, a 3-tier apple pie cake, or picture frames tastefully fashioned to look like french fries.

“Thinking about throwing a really special party for your wedding, engagement, anniversary or bridal shower? Think McDonald’s,” the fast-food giant’s website reads.

“Our Wedding Party packages have just everything you need, including unique venue decoration, customized games and special gifts for bride & groom and your guests.

“Everything will be taken care of by McDonald’s. All you need to do is to be there and enjoy the moment of your lifetime.”

(McDonald's)

It’s easy to poke fun at the concept, but McDonald’s has actually been offering wedding services in Hong Kong since 2011, growing from three venues to fifteen due to surprisingly high demand.

“We started the program because many customers tell us that McDonald’s is where they first started dating,” said McDonald’s spokesperson Jessica Lee. “McDonald’s is where their love stories grew.”

(McDonald's)

If China is too far to travel you could always consider a US-based Taco Bell ceremony.

Rare PlayStation-Nintendo Hybrid Expected to Fetch Record-Breaking Price

PlayStation-Nintendo hybrid
(Twitter/CedricBiscay)

Way back before the ‘Big Three’ dominated the console wars, the video game market was a face-off between the two powerhouses of the time: Nintendo and Sega.

When Sony first began to show interest in gaming, they actually collaborated with Nintendo, devising a disk-based system that was the first of its kind—essentially a CD-ROM drive for the SNES.

Obviously, the PlayStation-Nintendo hybrid never saw large-scale production, but a rare few prototypes are still out there in the hands of lucky collectors, and one of them appears to be ready to sell.

To illustrate just how big of a deal this game system is, Terry Diebold is already well-known for possessing this console and is the topic of many conversations at gaming conventions worldwide.

Folks in these circles anticipate a huge price tag when this thing finally sells.

With such a rare piece of gaming history up going up for auction, it’s inevitable that it will go to a buyer with deep pockets. The only question is, who?

The online consensus is that it should end up in a gaming museum where it can be viewed and appreciated by the masses versus being hoarded away by one single collector.

Diebold confirmed that he’s definitely open to potential buyers, but that he prefers the idea of a crowdfunding campaign that could match the price of the rare console so it can be preserved in a museum.

Diebold has yet to toss out an ideal price for the treasured game system, likely hoping to reel in one whopper of a bid, which he’ll probably get, considering the absurd amount of buzz already surrounding this rare piece of history.

Personally, though, I’m with Indiana Jones on this one.

 

Le Creuset Is Unleashing Limited Edition Star Wars Cookware

Star Wars Cookware by Le Creuset
(Le Creuset)

A meal can quickly go all Anakin Skywalker on you (burnt to a crisp) due to low-quality cookware, so stop going to the dark side and bring balance to your kitchen with the new Star Wars x Le Creuset collection.

The reputed king of cast iron, Le Creuset, is rolling out a brand new line of pots, pans, and everything in between that will make the little padawan in you jump for joy (sci-fi sound effects not included, unfortunately).

These specialty items will be available November 1st at Le Creuset and Williams-Sonoma, but they’ll cost you a pretty penny. The high-quality and lifetime guarantee that Le Creuset offers already makes their products a significant investment, so naturally, this limited edition series is pricey as well.

Han Solo Carbonite Signature Roaster ($450)

(Le Creuset)

It’s the company’s only roasting pan with a lid, so why not make it look like there’s a dead guy on it, right? I know, I know… he’s hibernating. Well, the price tag will probably be a rude awakening.

Porg Pie Bird ($25)

(Le Creuset)

I’ll be honest – I didn’t know what a pie bird was until looking it up. Apparently, this little porg’s job is to sit in the middle of the pie and vent steam from it so the delicious insides don’t bubble over. An honorable job, if I’ve ever known one.

Droid Mini Cocottes ($30 each)

(Le Creuset)

Coming in a trio of paint jobs—R2-D2, C-3P0, and BB-8—these mini cocottes are the perfect side bowls to honor your favorite sidekick heroes.

Millennium Falcon and Death Star Trivets ($20)

(Le Creuset)

That’s no moon. That’s an ideal spot to place hot dishes.

Darth Vader Round Dutch Oven ($395)

(Le Creuset)

Once, you were but the learner, but now you are the master (chef). Le Creuset’s signature item required a truly signature look and, honestly, I think they nailed it with this bad boy.

Tatooine Round Dutch Oven ($900)

The crème de la crème of the collection, however, is this very, very limited edition dutch oven based on the Skywalker’s home planet. Le Creuset wrote:

“inspired by the desert planet that Luke and Anakin Skywalker both called home, this exclusive Round Dutch oven is as unique as Tatooine’s iconic, binary sunset. Complete with a Signature Gold Knob and featuring the pinks and blues of a fading Tatooine sky, this special-edition pot perfectly captures the warmly-lit world in the galaxy’s Outer Rim—the world that first introduced us to the Star Wars saga.

In honor of The Rise of Skywalker, the ninth film highlighting the Skywalker’s epic legacy, only nine of these pieces will be sold. If you’re feeling lucky, you can sign up for one here (though, in my experience, there’s no such thing as luck).

If you’re ready to drop some serious change on this gorgeous set, you can register your email now to be the first to buy them. May the Force be with you.