Zack Phillips or something you find in dirty diaper. We aren't sure.

Zack Phillips

“Sitting Quietly for 3 Hours” Among Classes Offered in New Homeschool Curriculum

Sitting Quietly Homeschool Curriculum
(Getty/Mayur Kakade)

LANSING, MI – An introductory course in “Sitting Quietly for 3 Hours” is just one of the courses included in the new homeschool curriculum unveiled Wednesday.

Students in “Sitting Quietly” will learn “the fundamentals of how to be alone with their thoughts without bothering your father who needs some space for chrissakes” according to the syllabus.

“As educators, we try to tailor the curriculum to best fit the needs of our students and family,” said the father and homeschool principal Matthew Cheshire. “This year’s theme is ‘Silence and Solitude.'”

Other classes listed in the fall’s course catalog include “Let’s Spread Out And Make This Apartment Feel Bigger”, “Exploring Your Closet By Yourself” and “Advanced Napping,” which Cheshire said is a returning class.

Cheshire said homeschool’s curriculum committee hopes the courses build resilience.

“Students often feel that a problem requires their parent to be involved and our message this year is: deal with it yourself,” he said.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

No Deal Yet as Dad-Toddler Broccoli-Eating Summit Enters 2nd Hour

Dad Toddler Broccoli Standoff
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CHICAGO, IL – Tense negotiations over how many broccoli florets must be eaten at tonight’s dinner have yet to produce an agreement, concerned observers say.

Father Gary Rockland had entered the bilateral summit with hopes of securing a compromise with his 3-year-old daughter, Jane. Sources say the father was willing to accept an offer as low as “two florets” but considered anything less a bright red line he would not cross.

The question is seen as explosive because it has derailed the evening routine and, in the worst-case scenario, could imperil bedtime. The lengthy standoff seems to have convinced both sides that the diplomatic talks are too important in terms of future precedent to cede significant ground.

“At this point, it’s not even about the vegetables,” Rockland said. “It’s about making sure she understands that she can’t just refuse to do what I say. I mean, that’s just … chaos.”

“No way she’s eating anything less than two florets,” Rockland added, in a yell.

As talks continue without a deal, both sides acknowledged that eventually, the summit may need to appoint an arbitrator, like Rockland’s wife, Judith.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

BREAKING: Tired Dad Attempting To Skip Middle 11 Pages of Bedtime Story

Tired Dad Reading Story
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LEXINGTON, KY – In a move onlookers call both daring and reckless, exhausted father Nate Warheim is attempting to speed up bedtime by skipping eleven pages in the middle of his daughter’s bedtime story.

Warheim has previously skipped a sentence or two in a bedtime story as part of an effort to get his 3-year-old daughter under the covers sooner. But his omissions have never been as brazen as today’s attempt to skip 11 pages. The entire storybook is 15 pages so this amounts to eliminating the body of the story.

“The hungry duck asked the rooster if he had any breakfast he could share,” Warheim read before coughing and turning a chunk of pages. “So the dog gave the duck a pillow and said it’s bedtime, goodnight.”

Wareheim says his daughter’s eyes seemed to flicker with confusion at the narrative discontinuity but so far she has not challenged him.

“I think she doesn’t want to admit she didn’t understand the story,” he said.

If this gambit proves successful, Wareheim says next time he will try to convince his daughter that all stories are two pages long.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Tired Dad Reads CliffsNotes Version of “Goodnight Moon” to Kid at Bedtime

Tired Dad Reading Story
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EVANSVILLE, IN — Seeing the opportunity to expedite bedtime, exhausted father Dennis Stillman is reading his child the literal CliffsNotes version of the classic bedtime story “Goodnight Moon.”

“The bunny says goodnight to a long list of objects, including but not limited to, mittens, kittens, and a comb,” Stillman told his 3-year-old daughter. “Don’t worry about the old woman, she’s not a major factor in the story.”

Once a popular study aid, CliffsNotes provide short summaries of school-assigned novels, allowing students to pass tests without reading them. But the company has recently expanded into children’s stories to help tired fathers truncate bedtime.

Stillman says his children tend to drag out their bedtime routine, so reading capsulized stories is an effective counter-attack.

“I was surprised they had a CliffsNotes for this but I guess it makes sense,” he said. “I loved ‘Goodnight Moon’ when I was a kid but let’s face it, there’s some fat in there.”

Tomorrow night, Stillman plans to read the CliffsNotes version of the Dr. Seuss classic “Green Eggs and Ham.”

“The point is the guy doesn’t like this ham dish until he tries it,” Stillman said. “You don’t really need to go deeper than that.”

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

7-Yr-Old Pleased With Recommendations by Restaurant’s “Nugget Sommelier”

7-Yr-Old Approves of “Nugget Sommelier”
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TOLEDO, OH – Second-grader Jesse Landgraf hailed a local restaurant’s nugget sommelier as “sophisticated and insightful,” in a glowing review posted Tuesday.

“I have a sophisticated palate — I eat literally any kind of nugget,” the 7-year-old said in his review of Big Papa’s Diner. “Having a trained nugget professional to communicate with is really important to me.”

Many kid-friendly restaurants now offer a nugget sommelier — or “nuggetista” — since that is the only thing kids will eat.

More than simply providing options for different kinds of nuggets, the 7-year-old said his nugget steward asked insightful questions so he could find the right nugget style for Jake’s palate.

“I was initially leaning toward the beef nuggets, but he said that wouldn’t pair well with my chocolate milk,” Jake recounted. “I appreciate that kind of expertise.”

Ultimately, Jake said he opted for the chicken nuggets because they were shaped like dinosaurs.

Despite being completely plausible to parents, THIS JUST IN is satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.