Puns are at the heart of every good dad joke. And, not coincidentally, every terrible dad joke. Which perhaps makes them even more impressive. What else could get you so much mileage towards both entertaining, and embarrassing, your children? As always, The Dad is here to assist in this grand endeavor! We’ve compiled a list of 101 of the best puns out there, ready to be released whenever your kids need a laugh. Or just when you do.

1. I saw an ad for burial plots, but that’s the last thing I need.

2. Did you hear about the silk worm race? It ended in a tie.

RELATED: The 40 Best Riddles for Kids That Aren’t Too Confusing – Fatherly 

3. I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off.

4. Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Well, the flag is a big plus.

5. Clones are people two.

6. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

7. Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.

8. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbor is dead against it.

9. What are windmills’ favorite genre of music? They’re big metal fans.

10. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

11. Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.

12. My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.

13. I love whiteboards. They’re re-markable.

14. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? AIreland. Every day it’s Dublin.

15. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working. It doesn’t make any cents.

16. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

17. I went to a new mechanic. They came highly wreck-a-mended.

18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

19. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

20. Why can’t you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

21. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

22. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? They’re both cauld ron.

23. An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.

24. What’s the best time on a clock? 6:30, hands down.

25. Please don’t make my funeral too early. I’m not really a mourning person.

26. I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

27. Why did the lizard say he named his baby “Tiny?” Because he’s my newt.

RELATED: 79 Corny Jokes to Tell to Kids You Love (And Adults You Hate)

28. Someone stole the police station’s toilets. They have nothing to go on.

29. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

30. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

31. What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.

32. I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.

33. I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.

34. I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.

35. I’m afraid of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

37. Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

38. I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business.

39. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

40. RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

41. Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

42. Just found out sticks float. They would.

43. My boat was cold, I tried to make a fire but it sank. I guess you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

44. I went to that new restaurant, Karma. There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.

45. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.

46. You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

47. I met a criminal with a bounty on his head. That was a weird place to keep paper towels.

48. A psychic tried to sell me information on my past lives. I hate used karma dealers.

49. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

50. I met my wife on a dating site. We just clicked.

51. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

52. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.

53. My roommates suspect I’m stealing their kitchen utensils. But that’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

54. I’m going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. Why knot?

55. I decided to get rid of my spine. It was holding me back.

56. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

57. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.

58. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

59. Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

60. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

61. Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

62. What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

63. I recently took a pole and found out 100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed.

64. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to me.

65. A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

66. I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

67. Santa Claus’s elves are subordinate clauses.

68. I’m designing a reversible jacket. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

69. A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.

70. To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!

71. There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.

72. I tried to draw a circle, but it was pointless.

73. Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.

74. There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.

75. Velcro… what a rip-off.

76. I gave away my dead batteries, no charge.

77. One-fifth of people are just too tense.

78. After the birth of your child, your role in life will become apparent.

79. A backwards poet writes inverse.

80. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

81. My kid swallowed some coins, the doctor told me to just wait. No change yet.

82. My friend’s bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.

83. You should wear glasses while doing math. It improves division.

84. I’m glad I learned sign language. It’s really handy.

85. Bad gardeners are rough around the hedges.

86. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

87. This girl thought she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.

88. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

89. Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He’s all right now.

90. I make apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.

91. A cartoonist was found dead. Details are sketchy.

92. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster. It just got more sluggish.

93. Life as a professional yo-yoer has its ups and downs.

94. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

95. My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn’t 1 2.

96. I failed my Braille class. It’s a touchy subject.

97. I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

98. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

99. My leaf blower doesn’t work, it just sucks.

100. Need an ark? I Noah guy.

101. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

While you’re here you might as well check our list of the 101 worst puns too.

When you’ve finally had enough of jokes for dads, how about checking out these fantastic funny quotes written by some?

There are but three certainties in life: death, taxes, and Marvel acquiring.

The media powerhouse, which itself was acquired by Disney in 2009, recently made a new acquisition with the Alien and Predator franchises, gearing up for a series of comic books based on the iconic sci-fi villains.

That’s right: going forward, the Xenomorph from Alien is effectively a Disney princess.

Today we were teased with a couple of pieces of concept artwork from David Finch, whose previous work can be seen in Batman comics.

“Alien and Predator are the two of the most identifiable, iconic characters of all time,” Finch told IGN. “I love them for that. But mostly, it’s being fortunate enough to be a kid when they were new. I’ve seen every movie they’ve ever been in, and I cannot wait to see them wreaking havoc in the Marvel Universe. I drew my pictures of them with a massive smile on my face.”

Here we see the Predator holding what’s either Iron Man’s mask or Tony Stark’s severed head. While this is insanely gnarly, it should be noted these characters won’t fully integrate with the Marvel Universe in this capacity, so don’t expect to see the Predator use its wrist blades on Hulk anytime soon.

And here we have Finch’s dope rendition of the Xenomorph from Alien, crouched, at the ready, fixing to bleed acid on anyone who dares cross her path.

“I can clearly remember where I was when I saw each of these modern masterpieces for the first time,” says Marvel Editor-in-Chief C.B. Cebulski. “Reveling in how both masterfully weave extraterrestrial dread and drama into some of the most iconic scenes we’ve ever seen on film. And it’s that legacy that we’re going to live up to!”

The Alien/Predator rivalry can be traced all the way back to 1989 when Dark Horse Comics released a series of crossovers.

The comics found a small but devoted audience, who we can only imagine were furious about the squandered potential of 2004’s Alien vs. Predator. In the right hands, that movie could’ve been a cinematic work of art. Instead we got… pyramids? Something to do with pyramids. Pretty tedious, in retrospect. Oh, and Antarctica. They were in Antarctica. Also a total missed opportunity to give us Alien vs. Predator vs. The Thing.

Maybe with Marvel Studios at the helm, fans of the franchises will get the AVP they deserve, but until then we’re very excited to see what they’re able to do with these beloved characters in the pages of their comic books.

Folks, we seem to be entering a crossover renaissance of sorts. We’ve watched the Transformers team up with My Little Pony. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joined forces with the Power Rangers. With boredom at an all-time high, there’s never been a better time to jam two things together and call it a day.

As if the Transformers haven’t already adapted to enough, now it’s been announced they’ll be pairing with Back to the Future’s Doc and Marty for a new toy and comic book from Hasbro. It’s brilliant: Doc Brown’s time machine is a car, Transformers love shape-shifting into cars. What took them so long?

Here we have Doc Brown’s trusty DeLorean. Flux capacitor, detachable lightning rod conductor. Everything seems to be in order.

Here’s where it gets good. DeLoreans are already easily mistakable for Transformers, as their trademark falcon-wing doors give off a real futuristic robot vibe. You see these doors open, you think nothing of it. Lulled into a false sense of security of your own making.

It continues unfolding until, finally, an Autobot reveals itself. Introducing…

GIGAWATT

Seriously, why wasn’t this already the hottest toy of the ’80s? Its Transformer name was right there.

You can also pick up a complimentary comic book, where you’ll find Marty McFly on the run from Decepticons, who’ve come to Earth in search of Doc Brown’s fabled time machine. Here’s a sneak preview of the cover:

And just for fun, Hasbro released this rad Back to the Future poster with Gigawatt in place of Marty.

There’s a limited number available. 1,985 to be exact, a nod to the year Back to the Future lent icon status. The pre-orders sold out in a flash. Luckily, you’ll get a second chance on HasbroPulse.com and at select retailers on Oct. 1, 2020, the day the comic book is set for release.

Back to the Future will be celebrating its 35th birthday today, so click here to celebrate with a list of fun facts you may not know about the trilogy!

Westworld was a big deal.

When the HBO series about theme park robots who slowly realized they were theme park robots premiered, it was to huge fanfare. The show had a big budget, a big cast that included Oscar winner Anthony Hopkins, and a high concept that had it primed to take over from Game of Thrones as HBO’s flagship series.

Unfortunately, the story of the show never quite lived up to the initial premise. Despite HBO’s announcement of a fourth season, which may be even more sprawling and include a dragon-infested medieval setting, the show never caught on with the public the way they’d hoped.

Season 4 is rumored to be show’s last, and now the duo behind Westworld, Jonathan Nolan and Lisa Joy, have a new project in the works. And it’s just as promising as Westworld once was.

Screenrant, they’ll be tackling another adaptation of existing science-fiction material, the popular video game series Fallout, for Amazon Prime.

The Fallout series, which includes sequel and spinoffs that add up to more than 50 hours of gameplay, is set in the United States in the late 21st century after a nuclear war has changed everything.

Amazing describes the Fallout world as “one where the future envisioned by Americans in the late 1940s explodes upon itself through a nuclear war in 2077. The magic of the ‘Fallout’ world is the harshness of the wasteland set against the previous generation’s utopian idea of a better world through nuclear energy.”

The games each focus on a different region of the country and feature robots, radioactive monsters, and a sprawling cast of characters. There is a lot for Nola and Joy to work with, as they acknowledged, saying “each chapter of this insanely imaginative story has cost us countless hours we could have spent with family and friends.”

They refer to Fallout as one of the greatest games of all time, a sentiment no doubt shares but its many fans, who’ve been waiting a long time for it to be adapted. There have been some false starts, but it seems like it’s finally going to happen, and that it could be on the air for quite a while, thanks to the trove of material there is to work with.

Let’s hope Nolan and Joy have better luck with this futuristic world than they had with their last one!

Remember when people were furious over Michael Keaton being cast as Batman, or over Daniel Craig being cast as James Bond, or over Ben Affleck being cast as Batman, or over Robert Pattinson being cast as Batman?

Wait ’til you get a load of this. To tide us over while we wait for a TWINS remake with Jason Momoa and Peter Dinklage….

There’s a live-action big-screen version of Frosty the Snowman in the works, for some reason, and yesterday Deadline announced that the people behind the big-budget holiday flick have found the perfect person to play their walking balls of snow: Jason Momoa!

Before you start crying and beseeching God and lighting yourselves on fire, take a second to think about it. He’s already played Aquaman, and what is Frosty the Snowman is not a different kind of water? THE MORE YOU KNOW!

“From his role as a fearsome count in a land of ice and fire to the oceanic success we all had with Aquaman, it felt only right to realize Jason this time out of snow,” said producer Jon Berg.

The former and future superhero will only be voicing the snowman, so the role won’t be relying on his legendary brawn. Instead, it seems the people behind this movie focused more on Momoa’s inner warmth.

Producer Greg Silverman explained, “We know Jason’s as a true human being filled with love, compassion and a deep connection to ohana — all of which is the living spirit of Xmas and Frosty.”

I have to admit that I’m not well-versed in Frosty’s lore, having only the animated cartoons from my childhood to lean on. But I do remember the guy was quite friendly, as one would expect of a Christmas icon, and Momoa’s intimidating, smoldering looks aside, he does have a solid reputation as a good guy.

Let’s just hope all his hotness doesn’t melt the snow!

“When we first met and started dating, Spiro made a point to tell me he never wanted children. He wanted to make sure that was okay with me if our relationship were to go further. It wasn’t, but I really, really liked him.

A Greek immigrant, he arrived in Florida at the age of 13 with limited language skills and no understanding of American culture. Spiro was never given the opportunity to have a positive parental experience. Often hurt by the people who were meant to protect him, abandoned by those who were supposed to care, and forced to fend for both his own and his two younger siblings’ protection and well-being, it’s not hard to understand why he had so many negative feelings towards raising children.

Over the years, we married, bought a house, and watched our friends become parents. We’d spent nearly a decade creating a happy, harmonious life, but his disdain for becoming a father had started to wane. Thoughts of ‘what if?’ began to creep in, then settle.

One day, he said, “let’s try it.”

When I told him we were expecting, I never fathomed the overwhelming wave of change that would come over him. He was transformed. Our first daughter was born in November 2016, and she brought a whole new side of my husband with her.

Spiro swung open his closet doors, removed the skeletons, and replaced them with bedtime stories, bubble baths, and princess shoes. He threw every ounce of himself at being the most supportive, loving, strong, present father possible. Sometimes he cries when he looks at her (he’d hate me telling you that) out of sheer joy.

Today, instead of avoiding a place of pain, he is using his childhood as a road map of what to avoid, and for examples of whom he does and doesn’t want to be.

He is the absolute best father I know. And because of his strength, fortitude, and willingness to let go of what held him back, both he and our daughter are flourishing.

PS: I even got a second daughter out of him! She’s six months now and Spiro’s crushing the whole two kids thing, too!

– Jamie Cladio (Spiro IG: @spiridon23)

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

There are few athletes in recent American history as provocative as Mike Tyson. The former heavyweight champion of the world was feared inside and outside of the ring, often as much for his erratic behavior as for his fearsome punching power.

Even aside from his legendary run as a boxer and his stint in prison, Tyson’s lisp, his face tattoo, and his strange proclamations (“I want to eat his children!”) made him a fascinating character. Despite a few documentaries and even a stage show, there has yet to be a biopic of the boxer. That may be about to change.

For six years now, a Mike Tyson movie project has been in the works, with Jamie Foxx set to star, but numerous delays and setbacks cast doubt on the fact that it will ever hit theaters. Now it seems like it may actually happen. Last week, Foxx was interviewed on Instagram Live by Hollywood producer Mark Birnbaum, and he confirmed that the movie is going forward, and he is indeed going to play the notorious boxer.

“It’s a definitive yes,” Foxx told Birnbaum. “Doing biographies is a tough thing. Sometimes it takes 20 years to get it done but we officially got the real ball rolling. I can’t wait to show people what it is.”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

The greatest of our generation for the hour Jamie Foxx

A post shared by Mark Birnbaum (@markbirnbaum) on Jun 17, 2020 at 4:30pm PDT

Foxx, a former comedian and gifted mimic who rose to prominence playing a quarterback in Oliver Stone’s Any Given Sunday and won an Oscar for portraying Ray Charles, is committed to some drastic weight change to transform himself into Iron Mike.

Speaking to Birnbaum, Foxx showed viewers a photo of his bulked-up physique discussed the work he’s doing to become the boxer, which includes 60 pull-ups, 60 dips, and 100 push-ups every other day as he aims to be between 216 and 230 pounds for the movie, which will portray Tyson through the years.

“I saw him at the height of his career, and then when things got bad and bumpy I also saw him as well. So what I’m excited about the movie is to show those moments,” he added. “I think everyone, young and old, will be able to understand this man’s journey.”

Tyson’s story is pretty insane, so it will be fun to see it on the big screen. Can Foxx pull it off? We’ll see. But we already know he can do the voice!

So, you bought a birthday card for your dad. If he’s anything like our dad, he’ll probably grumble about cards being a waste of money. Most cards inevitably end up in the big bag of wrapping paper trash or to the evening bonfire. Want to be the envy of your siblings by giving him the one and only card your dad ever decides to keep? These happy birthday-centered quotes and sayings hit just the right note of meaningful and fun. We guarantee Dad will cry at the sentimental ones… or at least scowl at the card for an uncomfortably long time. And the silly messages ought to earn you at least a smirk. Right? You know your dad better than us. Pick the right one for the reaction you’re looking for and we’re sure you’ll get it.

Sentimental Birthday Messages For Dad

1 The best dad ever deserves the best birthday ever. Happy birthday and enjoy!

2. Everyone thinks their dad is the best and everyone is wrong.
I have the best dad and today is his birthday. I hope it’s as great as you are.

3. Today I honor the man I admire most in life. Happy birthday, Dad!

4. I wasn’t always the best kid, but you were always the best dad.
Happy birthday to the world’s best dad.

5. Dad, I thought I’d grow out of seeing you as a superhero. It turns out, your powers have only gotten stronger with age. Happy birthday, Super Dad.

6. Happy birthday, Dad! I thought you were amazing (and amusing) since the day I first met you.

7. I tried to make a list of the gifts you’ve given me so I could pay you back. But, your love and guidance are priceless. Happy birthday, Dad!

8. Thanks for being the kind of dad who stands beside their kid, even when they’re wrong.
We both know I was wrong a lot. Happy birthday and I love you.

9. Listen up, because I’m only going to say this once (maybe twice) this year: I’m so thankful you’re my dad. Happy birthday!

Birthday Messages That Go The Distance

10. I learned how to hug from you, Dad.
If I were there, I’d give you the biggest, best birthday hug.

11. If I were physically there with you as often as you’ve been emotionally “there” for me, we’d be really sick of each other by now. I miss you, though, and wish we were celebrating together.

12. My heart has no idea just how far away you are today, Dad.
No matter where we are or how far apart, I always carry you in it. Happy birthday.

13. Dad, your love has always gone the distance.
Just like this birthday card.

14. This card is so lucky! It gets to be with you on your birthday.

Funny Birthday Messages For Dad

15. Happy birthday to one of my favorite parents.

16. Happy birthday, Dad! Thanks for teaching me that nothing is impossible.
Which reminds me, can I borrow a million dollars?

17. Hope you have a great birthday, Dad. Just be home by 10.

18. Ever notice that the worse a dad’s jokes are, the better father he is?
That explains why your jokes are sooooo bad!
Hope your birthday is more than a few groans.

19. Today is the day we take time to honor the man we admire most in our lives.
So, what do you miss most about President Obama?

20. Happy birthday, Dad!
I always knew I could count on you for great advice… and a little bit of cash.

21. On your birthday, Dad, I thought we could remember some of your most important lessons:
Keep your word.
Hold doors for people behind you.
Never trust a ladder or a fart.

22. Happy birthday to the world’s okayest dad!

23. Happy birthday to the world’s best farter — they’re silent but dadly.

24. Dad. You said all you wanted for your birthday was to spend time together, so I’ve included a list of things that need to be fixed at my house. I’ll hold the flashlight.

Cute Birthday Sayings That Are Actually All About You

25. Happy birthday from your favorite kid!

26. Happy birthday from your greatest creation.

27. Happy birthday to the man who will always be my first call from jail!

28. For your birthday, Dad, I’m giving you the day off from helping me with my problems.
But, keep your phone on in case of an emergency.

29. Wow, Dad! (Age) year old and still kickin’. If my teen years didn’t kill you, nothing will.
(You can always change this up as a tease on a more rebellious sibling.)

30. Dad, where would I be without you?
Follow-up question: Where would you be without me?
Here’s to hoping we don’t find out either of those answers for many more birthdays.

If you’re looking for a cool gift for your dad, The Dad Shop never closes. But if you’re looking to put something more sentimental together, inspiration can be found in one of the great all-time Father’s Day gifts

Check out what this daughter in Maryland did. She surprised her stepdad on Father’s Day with a collage of inspirational Post-It notes he had written for her every single day during middle school. She surprised him last year and he begins to tear up once he realizes what he was looking at.

“These are all your notes,” he said. The girl sweetly responded, “I kept them all. I love you.”

She posted the video on Twitter, where it rightly and justly went viral. Of course, it also sets the bar pretty dang high for everyone else. More than six million viewed the Father’s Day reveal.

during middle school, my stepdad used to leave me a note on my door each day to inspire me. well, I kept those notes & It’s been 6 years since then. today I gave him those notes back🥰 #HappyFathersDay pic.twitter.com/ftT3sjQEH5

— soph (@Sophia_Kallie) June 17, 2019

So, while there’s still time, just scurry together some sort of emotional, DIY gift encompassing an ongoing supportive ritual and involves a half-decade of record-keeping, and you should be good to go. Your dad will love it, the internet will love it, and you will be left wondering how you’ll ever top it.

Or, we can always bail you out.