101 of the Best Puns in the World
Puns are at the heart of every good dad joke. And, not coincidentally, every terrible dad joke. Which perhaps makes them even more impressive. What else could get you so much mileage towards both entertaining, and embarrassing, your children? As always, The Dad is here to assist in this grand endeavor! We’ve compiled a list of 101 of the best puns out there, ready to be released whenever your kids need a laugh. Or just when you do.
1. I saw an ad for burial plots, but that’s the last thing I need.
2. Did you hear about the silk worm race? It ended in a tie.
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3. I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off.
4. Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Well, the flag is a big plus.
5. Clones are people two.
6. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.
7. Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.
8. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbor is dead against it.
9. What are windmills’ favorite genre of music? They’re big metal fans.
10. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
11. Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.
12. My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.
13. I love whiteboards. They’re re-markable.
14. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? AIreland. Every day it’s Dublin.
15. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working. It doesn’t make any cents.
16. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
17. I went to a new mechanic. They came highly wreck-a-mended.
18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.
19. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.
20. Why can’t you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
21. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
22. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? They’re both cauld ron.
23. An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.
24. What’s the best time on a clock? 6:30, hands down.
25. Please don’t make my funeral too early. I’m not really a mourning person.
26. I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.
27. Why did the lizard say he named his baby “Tiny?” Because he’s my newt.
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28. Someone stole the police station’s toilets. They have nothing to go on.
29. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
30. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.
31. What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.
32. I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.
33. I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.
34. I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.
35. I’m afraid of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
37. Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
38. I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business.
39. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
40. RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
41. Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
42. Just found out sticks float. They would.
43. My boat was cold, I tried to make a fire but it sank. I guess you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
44. I went to that new restaurant, Karma. There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.
45. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.
46. You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
47. I met a criminal with a bounty on his head. That was a weird place to keep paper towels.
48. A psychic tried to sell me information on my past lives. I hate used karma dealers.
49. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
50. I met my wife on a dating site. We just clicked.
51. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
52. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.
53. My roommates suspect I’m stealing their kitchen utensils. But that’s a whisk i’m willing to take.
54. I’m going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. Why knot?
55. I decided to get rid of my spine. It was holding me back.
56. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
57. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.
58. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
59. Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.
60. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.
61. Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.
62. What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.
63. I recently took a pole and found out 100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed.
64. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to me.
65. A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.
66. I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.
67. Santa Claus’s elves are subordinate clauses.
68. I’m designing a reversible jacket. I’m excited to see how it turns out.
69. A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.
70. To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!
71. There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.
72. I tried to draw a circle, but it was pointless.
73. Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.
74. There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.
75. Velcro… what a rip-off.
76. I gave away my dead batteries, no charge.
77. One-fifth of people are just too tense.
78. After the birth of your child, your role in life will become apparent.
79. A backwards poet writes inverse.
80. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
81. My kid swallowed some coins, the doctor told me to just wait. No change yet.
82. My friend’s bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.
83. You should wear glasses while doing math. It improves division.
84. I’m glad I learned sign language. It’s really handy.
85. Bad gardeners are rough around the hedges.
86. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
87. This girl thought she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.
88. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
89. Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He’s all right now.
90. I make apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.
91. A cartoonist was found dead. Details are sketchy.
92. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster. It just got more sluggish.
93. Life as a professional yo-yoer has its ups and downs.
94. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
95. My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn’t 1 2.
96. I failed my Braille class. It’s a touchy subject.
97. I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.
98. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
99. My leaf blower doesn’t work, it just sucks.
100. Need an ark? I Noah guy.
101. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
While you’re here you might as well check our list of the 101 worst puns too.
When you’ve finally had enough of jokes for dads, how about checking out these fantastic funny quotes written by some?
