101 of the Best Puns in the World

(Getty/Annie Otzen)

Puns are at the heart of every good dad joke. And, not coincidentally, every terrible dad joke. Which perhaps makes them even more impressive. What else could get you so much mileage towards both entertaining, and embarrassing, your children? As always, The Dad is here to assist in this grand endeavor! We’ve compiled a list of 101 of the best puns out there, ready to be released whenever your kids need a laugh. Or just when you do.

1. I saw an ad for burial plots, but that’s the last thing I need.

2. Did you hear about the silk worm race? It ended in a tie.

3. I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off.

4. Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Well, the flag is a big plus.

5. Clones are people two.

6. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

7. Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.

8. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbor is dead against it.

9. What are windmills’ favorite genre of music? They’re big metal fans.

10. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

11. Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.

12. My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.

13. I love whiteboards. They’re re-markable.

14. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? AIreland. Every day it’s Dublin.

15. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working. It doesn’t make any cents.

16. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

17. I went to a new mechanic. They came highly wreck-a-mended.

18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

19. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

20. Why can’t you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

21. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

22. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? They’re both cauld ron.

23. An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.

24. What’s the best time on a clock? 6:30, hands down.

25. Please don’t make my funeral too early. I’m not really a mourning person.

26. I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

27. Why did the lizard say he named his baby “Tiny?” Because he’s my newt.

28. Someone stole the police station’s toilets. They have nothing to go on.

29. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

30. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

31. What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.

32. I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.

33. I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.

34. I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.

35. I’m afraid of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

37. Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

38. I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business.

39. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

40. RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

41. Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

42. Just found out sticks float. They would.

43. My boat was cold, I tried to make a fire but it sank. I guess you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

44. I went to that new restaurant, Karma. There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.

45. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.

46. You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

47. I met a criminal with a bounty on his head. That was a weird place to keep paper towels.

48. A psychic tried to sell me information on my past lives. I hate used karma dealers.

49. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

50. I met my wife on a dating site. We just clicked.

51. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

52. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.

53. My roommates suspect I’m stealing their kitchen utensils. But that’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

54. I’m going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. Why knot?

55. I decided to get rid of my spine. It was holding me back.

56. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

57. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.

58. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

59. Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

60. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

61. Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

62. What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

63. I recently took a pole and found out 100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed.

64. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to me.

65. A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

66. I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

67. Santa Claus’s elves are subordinate clauses.

68. I’m designing a reversible jacket. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

69. A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.

70. To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!

71. There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.

72. I tried to draw a circle, but it was pointless.

73. Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.

74. There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.

75. Velcro… what a rip-off.

76. I gave away my dead batteries, no charge.

77. One-fifth of people are just too tense.

78. After the birth of your child, your role in life will become apparent.

79. A backwards poet writes inverse.

80. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

81. My kid swallowed some coins, the doctor told me to just wait. No change yet.

82. My friend’s bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.

83. You should wear glasses while doing math. It improves division.

84. I’m glad I learned sign language. It’s really handy.

85. Bad gardeners are rough around the hedges.

86. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

87. This girl thought she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.

88. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

89. Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He’s all right now.

90. I make apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.

91. A cartoonist was found dead. Details are sketchy.

92. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster. It just got more sluggish.

93. Life as a professional yo-yoer has its ups and downs.

94. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

95. My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn’t 1 2.

96. I failed my Braille class. It’s a touchy subject.

97. I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

98. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

99. My leaf blower doesn’t work, it just sucks.

100. Need an ark? I Noah guy.

101. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

While you’re here you might as well check our list of the 101 worst puns too.

When you’ve finally had enough of jokes for dads, how about checking out these fantastic funny quotes written by some?

Brooklyn Man Registered Beer as His ‘Emotional Support Animal’

Emotional Support Beer
(Twitter/CraftBeerTime/Caroline Ourso)

Brooklyn gets a lot of flak. It’s the land of hipsters with handlebar mustaches selling artisanal pickles who front bands that Pitchfork loves. As someone who lives in Brooklyn, I concede that all of that is true.

But Brooklyn also often sets trends that reverberate throughout the rest of the country, because it’s the land of pioneers. And today we learned of a new pioneer from New York City’s best borough, and here’s hoping his groundbreaking efforts start a movement that benefits us all.

His name if Floyd Hayes, and he lives in the Clinton Hill neighborhood in Brooklyn. But after his recent gambit, where he really lives is in our hearts, and in the annals of legends, because Floyd successfully registered his beer as an emotional support animal.

Floyd told the Brooklyn Paper how he came up with the idea. “It’s a delicious beer and at a reasonable 5% abv, can be consumed without hindering hand-eye coordination, mental ability or judgement. I’ve had trouble trying to take the pint onto public buses and into places of business, so I had the idea to get it registered,” he added.

He reached out to USA Service Dog Registration and applied online.

“I’m not permitted a dog in my building, so I thought an emotional support beer would be more appropriate. It helps alleviate my anxiety and is a cost effective way to manage stress,” he told Ale Street News.

And it worked! Sort of.

An anonymous employee there told Brooklyn Paper that it won’t provide Floyd with many benefits.

“This will not get you into Walmart, it will not get you into Denny’s, it will only protect you where you’re renting,” she said. “He can register his beer all day long, it’s not going to get him anywhere.”

Except straight into our hearts.

NBA Star Buys and Cancels $1 Million of Medical Debt

Trae Young Cancels $1 Million of Medical Debt
(Getty/Michael Reaves)

Medical debt can be crippling for families. On top of dealing with the fallout from the medical condition that incurred the debt, families can run into having to pay massive bills that can quickly spiral out of control. It’s a real problem in this country, and that’s why it’s awesome when people try to step in and help out. One such person is Atlanta Hawks star guard Trae Young, who started his 2020 by buying and canceling more than $1 million in medical debt for Atlanta citizens.

His foundation partnered with the nonprofit “RIP Medical Debt” and they wiped medical debt completely clear for 570 Atlanta families.

“The city of Atlanta has welcomed me with open arms,” said Young. “Giving back to this community is extremely important to me. I hope these families can find a bit of relief knowing that their bills have been taken care of as we enter the New Year.”

The Athletic has the full story about how the gesture came about (strong endorsement for The Athletic here).

For its part, RIP Medical Debt says it seeks to help those most in need, working with individual donors, philanthropists and organizations to purchase medical debt from collection agencies for pennies on the dollar to provide financial relief for those burdened by impossible medical bills.

Young is one of the top young players in the NBA, finishing the 2018-2019 season as a finalist for Rookie of the Year and is currently one of the top scorers in the NBA.

Las Vegas Raiders Tackle Nevada Lunch Debt With $500k Donation

Raiders Pledge $50k to Lunch Debt
(Raiders.com)

The Las Vegas Raiders officially began their new era as a professional sports franchise with a giant tackle. With Nevada lunch debt being their first opponent at home, they absolutely crushed it with a half a MILLION dollar pledge to the cause.

The franchise donated the money to the Nevada Community Foundation, who will then send the $$ to schools participating in the National School Lunch and Breakfast Programs. That money will go to clear the debt the school’s incur for families that can’t pay for lunches but also don’t qualify for free lunches.

“Today, we want to make a donation to the Nevada Department of Agriculture meal service program, which feeds kids lunch and breakfast at the schools. We are hoping to eliminate the debt that the entire state of Nevada has to do that project, and in that regard we are donating $500,000 to the program,” Raiders Owner Mark Davis said in a press release.

That is a hell of an opening for the state’s first NFL team. Sure, there are plenty of discussions warranted about whether or not lunch debt should even be a thing. And I will also hear arguments about how the team should do community efforts like this, given how much money they were given in public funds.

But, let’s not gloss over the fact that EVERY NFL team gets deals like that, and they aren’t all attempting to kill lunch debt in their states. This is a weird look for the Raiders, as I’m more used to the off-putting fanaticism of parts of Raider Nation (looking at the Black Hole here).

Props to the Raiders for starting off their Las Vegas era by quickly starting to earn the goodwill of the community.

Man Squirms And Screams While Getting Facial And Nose Hair Waxed

Boy’s Petition to Move the Super Bowl to Saturday Is Gaining Steam

#SuperBowlSaturday Petition
(Change.org/Frank Ruggeri)

Super Bowl Sunday is the closest thing America has to an unofficial holiday. People gather with loved ones, make elaborate meals, and generally drink more than they should. The biggest downside every year? Going to work (or school) the next morning. One boy in New York is trying to change that.

Frankie Ruggeri, a 16-year-old from New York, was talking with his family about the Super Bowl earlier this month when he said it should be on Saturday instead. OK, great kid, that’s the same conversation thousands of sports fans have had. But Ruggeri didn’t just complain and let it stay there, he is trying to enact real change, and he started a petition on Change.org to get the ball rolling. Cute, right? Well, football fans are joining the cause, as he already has nearly 35,000 signatures.

He makes an argument that the NFL would make more money if the game was on Saturday. He also said it would increase TV views. A valiant effort, although if it was true, the NFL would’ve probably moved it by now (there’s nothing they won’t do for an extra few dimes).

Here’s what we need to focus on: this is objectively a great idea. It’s the top sporting event of the year, and no one wants the buzzkill of going to work (or school) the next day. Move it to Saturday, where it rightfully belongs.

Yes, it is a petition, which is a form of change that doesn’t work past the third grade, but this may be our best chance to unite and make our voices heard. This may be the time to rally and get the NFL to see the groundswell of support for a switch to Saturday.

This kid could be the Greta Thunberg of Super Bowl parties. Heck, he even got a #SuperBowlSaturday trend going on twitter.

You can sign the petition here.

And if the NFL won’t oblige, fine. Then it’s time to move to Plan B, which is trying to change a weaker organization: the Federal Government. If we can’t move the game, then it’s imperative that the Monday after the Super Bowl becomes an official holiday.

Dog Pretends To Faint While Getting Her Nails Trimmed

Father Figures: Not For Riches

“Recently, Disney movies have been getting under my skin. Partially because I have a daughter that just turned four years of age and she’s always looking to emulate them.

She loves to play dress-up and put on her princess dresses, and she tells me that she wants to be a princess. She then proceeds to do her nails and put on make up and pretend that she is a princess waiting for her prince. Granted, not all of the stories form Disney are antiquated, more recent movies like Mulan and Brave show how a woman is capable of more than just sitting back and waiting for a prince to rescue her and provide her with riches.

This past week we celebrated her birthday and over the weekend we had a party with all of her family and friends. But on Monday night, I decided to take her out on a date (just she and I) and show her how a gentleman ought to act. I picked up flowers before coming home and I put on a suit and tie (like she always asks me to do). As we were walking out of the car and I go to open her door and sit her in her car seat, she told me, “Daddy, I want to get married!”

I was shocked to hear those words out of my little princess. I was caught off guard and my first response was to say, “Ok, baby.” I fastened her into her seat and walked around the car, but before I got in I took a moment to take a deep breath and think about how I wanted to respond. I got in the car and told her that she would make a beautiful bride – when she turns 45. I figured that would buy me time to address the bigger issue!

When we arrived at the restaurant (her favorite Italian place), she wanted to bring her flowers inside with her. We ordered her favorite meal (spaghetti with meatballs) and at the end of our dinner I surprised her with a dessert, complete with a candle and another rendition of ‘Happy Birthday!’ (Thanks to the waiter at Maggiano’s!)

It was then that I realized that if I do my job as her daddy – love, protect, encourage, and challenge her when appropriate – she would know what a gentleman should do. She would grow to be a strong and educated woman and when she does fall for her ‘Prince Charming’ it will be for love and not for the riches.”

– Manuel Carrera

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

Marvel’s Animated Comedy M.O.D.O.K. Coming to Hulu With Hilarious Cast

M.O.D.O.K. Coming to Hulu
(Marvel)

Over the next few years, there will be a ton of Marvel content coming to screens both big and small.

Most of it will be an explicit part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, in the form of countless sequels to existing superhero franchises (Dr. Strange, Thor, Captain Marvel, etc.), origin stories for characters yet to have their own film (Black Widow), new franchises being launched (The Eternals, Shang-Chi). Much of it will be related to the MCU, via movie characters getting their own shows on Disney+ (Loki, Falcon and the Winter Soldier, WandaVision), and some of it will be one-off stuff, like, Disney+’s What If series and M.O.D.O.K., a newly-announced show to air on Hulu.

News of M.O.D.O.K (which stands for Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing) came fast and furious the other day when the cast began tweeting about their involvement. Their voice-only involvement, as M.O.D.O.K will be an animated series. And what a cast it is, full of comedic stars of various renown.

The cast includes stand-up comic Patton Oswalt, Parks and Rec star Ben Schwartz, Brooklyn 99 star Melissa Fumero, Veep star Sam Richardson, Wendi McLendon-Covery of The Goldbergs and Bridesmaids, Beck Bennett from SNL, and more. Oswalt leads the series as M.O.D.O.K, a Marvel supervillain hellbent on taking over the world but suddenly beset by familiar and career-based challenges, i.e., a midlife crisis.

Certainly, a different style of Marvel property than we’re used to seeing on screen, but one that sounds like it has a lot of fun potential, especially with that cast of comedy vets. Showrunner Jordan Blum is excited for the show, saying, “I’m blown away by our insanely talented and hilarious voice cast, who have all brought their specific kind of magic to this weird and wonderful corner of the Marvel Universe.”

Jean-Ralphio himself, Ben Schwartz, is equally amped about his role as M.O.D.O.K’s son who will be, hopefully, flush with cash.

The show is slated to air later this year on Hulu.

6-Yr-Old Raises $250k for Australian Bushfires Making Clay Koalas

Owen Colley raising money for Australian Bushfires
(GoFundMe)

While fires continue to burn in Australia, stories of those around the world trying to find ways to help have become commonplace on the evening news. After hearing the number of homes and lives impacted by the tragedy, Six-year-old Owen Colley was ready to help.

Owen’s father, Simon Colley, is Australian. While that was likely a strong motivation for Owen to want to lend a hand, his mother Caitlin says it was the animals that finally flipped the switch for her young son.

Upon finding out just how many different animals were impacted, Owen immediately wanted to join the fight. But how could a young boy living in Massachusetts help those still suffering halfway around the world?

Undeterred, Owen began crafting tiny koalas out of clay, offering family members their very own for making a donation to Wildlife Rescue South Coast, an organization on the ground in Australia. Word spread quickly, and soon Owen was offering anyone who made a $50 donation one of his tiny clay creations.

(GoFundMe)

News outlets picked up the story, and during an interview, his mother confessed they were blown away by the outpouring of support after raising over $1200. With the newly received publicity, the family raised his goal to $5,000. After seeing Owen and his koalas on affiliates across the nation in the video below, you can probably guess what happened next.

As of today, Owen’s GoFundMe page has raised a whopping $264,848. That’s quite a few koalas, but fortunately many donated just to help with the cause. His parents posting an update:

“Thank you ALL for helping a little boy do a BIG thing – Owen wishes he could send a clay koala to everyone in the world! We are so proud of this little boy and his kind heart.”

Owen reminding us all that one person can truly make a difference, and that people absolutely love tiny koalas.