Puns are at the heart of every good dad joke. And, not coincidentally, every terrible dad joke. Which perhaps makes them even more impressive. What else could get you so much mileage towards both entertaining, and embarrassing, your children? As always, The Dad is here to assist in this grand endeavor! We’ve compiled a list of 101 of the best puns out there, ready to be released whenever your kids need a laugh. Or just when you do.

1. I saw an ad for burial plots, but that’s the last thing I need.

2. Did you hear about the silk worm race? It ended in a tie.

3. I got fired from the calendar factory, just for taking a day off.

4. Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Well, the flag is a big plus.

5. Clones are people two.

6. I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn’t find a manual.

7. Napoleon may not have designed his coat, but he did have a hand in it.

8. I put up a high-voltage electric fence around my house. My neighbor is dead against it.

9. What are windmills’ favorite genre of music? They’re big metal fans.

10. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

11. Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.

12. My ceiling isn’t the best, but it’s up there.

13. I love whiteboards. They’re re-markable.

14. Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? AIreland. Every day it’s Dublin.

15. The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working. It doesn’t make any cents.

16. I tried to make a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.

17. I went to a new mechanic. They came highly wreck-a-mended.

18. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

19. Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

20. Why can’t you run through a campground? You can only ran, because it’s past tents.

21. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

22. Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his potion pot and his best friend? They’re both cauld ron.

23. An atom lost an electron. It really should keep an ion them.

24. What’s the best time on a clock? 6:30, hands down.

25. Please don’t make my funeral too early. I’m not really a mourning person.

26. I got fired from the bank. A man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over.

27. Why did the lizard say he named his baby “Tiny?” Because he’s my newt.

28. Someone stole the police station’s toilets. They have nothing to go on.

29. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

30. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? Attire.

31. What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.

32. I put all my cash into an origami business. It folded.

33. I was worried about being in a long-distance relationship. But so far so good.

34. I suffer from kleptomania. But I take something for it.

35. I’m afraid of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

36. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

37. Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

38. I quit my job at the donut factory. I was fed up with the hole business.

39. I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

40. RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

41. Why did the monk refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

42. Just found out sticks float. They would.

43. My boat was cold, I tried to make a fire but it sank. I guess you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

44. I went to that new restaurant, Karma. There’s no menu, you just get what you deserve.

45. Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don’t work.

46. You can’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

47. I met a criminal with a bounty on his head. That was a weird place to keep paper towels.

48. A psychic tried to sell me information on my past lives. I hate used karma dealers.

49. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

50. I met my wife on a dating site. We just clicked.

51. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

52. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me. It means a lot.

53. My roommates suspect I’m stealing their kitchen utensils. But that’s a whisk i’m willing to take.

54. I’m going to try velcro instead of shoe laces. Why knot?

55. I decided to get rid of my spine. It was holding me back.

56. Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

57. Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me.

58. No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.

59. Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

60. I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

61. Who designed King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

62. What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws? He was given two consecutive sentences.

63. I recently took a pole and found out 100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed.

64. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually it came back to me.

65. A friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him that makes two of us.

66. I had a pun about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

67. Santa Claus’s elves are subordinate clauses.

68. I’m designing a reversible jacket. I’m excited to see how it turns out.

69. A man went to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.

70. To the guy who invented Zero, thanks for nothing!

71. There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.

72. I tried to draw a circle, but it was pointless.

73. Getting paid to sleep would be my dream job.

74. There’s a fine line between numerator and denominator.

75. Velcro… what a rip-off.

76. I gave away my dead batteries, no charge.

77. One-fifth of people are just too tense.

78. After the birth of your child, your role in life will become apparent.

79. A backwards poet writes inverse.

80. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

81. My kid swallowed some coins, the doctor told me to just wait. No change yet.

82. My friend’s bakery burned down. Now his business is toast.

83. You should wear glasses while doing math. It improves division.

84. I’m glad I learned sign language. It’s really handy.

85. Bad gardeners are rough around the hedges.

86. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

87. This girl thought she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.

88. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

89. Did you hear about the man who lost his left side? He’s all right now.

90. I make apocalypse puns like there’s no tomorrow.

91. A cartoonist was found dead. Details are sketchy.

92. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it faster. It just got more sluggish.

93. Life as a professional yo-yoer has its ups and downs.

94. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

95. My wife told me to stop speaking in numbers. But I didn’t 1 2.

96. I failed my Braille class. It’s a touchy subject.

97. I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

98. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

99. My leaf blower doesn’t work, it just sucks.

100. Need an ark? I Noah guy.

101. A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

While you’re here you might as well check our list of the 101 worst puns too.

When you’ve finally had enough of jokes for dads, how about checking out these fantastic funny quotes written by some?

If you were watching Monday night’s Daytona 500, you probably saw the fiery crash that ended Ryan Newman’s day just as he was about to win the race.

Claiming that trophy suddenly became the last thing in Newman and his family’s mind as they watched his car burst into flames and didn’t see the driver climb out, as they were surely hoping. Instead, Newman was rushed to the hospital, where it was reported that he was in serious, but non-life-threatening condition.

That was great news for Newman’s wife Krissie and his two daughters, Brooklyn and Ashlyn, whom he clearly adored, as evidenced by his doting social media posts.

NASCAR officials have been updating the public on their driver’s condition, sharing some good news on his progress.

Wednesday they released this statement: “Ryan Newman continues to show great improvement after Monday night’s last-lap accident at Daytona International Speedway. The veteran driver is fully alert and walking around Halifax Medical Center. True to his jovial nature, he has also been joking around with staff, friends, and family while spending time playing with his two daughters.”

And then, a few hours later, Newman posted this image on his Instagram, just two days removed from his harrowing wreck.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

#Repost @roushfenway ・・・ Ryan Newman has been treated and released from Halifax Medical Center

A post shared by Ryan Newman (@ryannewman1977) on Feb 19, 2020 at 10:57am PST

That’s Newman, exiting the hospital with his two girls. That’s Newman walking out under his own power, a mere three days after the crash that had many viewers fearing the worst.

The caption reads: “Ryan Newman has been treated and released from Halifax Medical Center.”

NASCAR fans knew the man was fast, but this is remarkable. Even better that his girls were there to walk out with him.

Happy news all around!

I spent a fair amount of time whining about the cavalcade of remakes and reboots and reimaginings that Hollywood keeps sending down the pike. From beloved animated movies being remade into pointless live-action spectacles to classic action movies being rebooted with a younger cast. Then there are 80s favorites and 90s sports flicks being converted into TV shows.

It never ends.

Of course, every once in a while, a project that deserves another chance actually benefits from this trend. No, I’m not talking about a new Back to the Future. I’m talking about a new Quantum Leap.

Oh boy.

If you’re unfamiliar with the 80s sci-fi TV series, it starred Scott Bakula as Sam Beckett, a scientist who becomes unstuck in time and keeps randomly leaping into new people, inhabiting their bodies and lives so he can set something right (the JFK assassination, his own brother’s death, something to do with Stephen King once?) before leaping out again. Every episode featured Sam in a new situation, in a new time (although he could only leap to a year that was within his own lifetime), and the show was incredibly entertaining and addictive. (And very wholesome. For years, I’ve been telling people that Quantum Leap should be remade for HBO and that a harder edge would make the premise even more enticing. But no one listens to me.)

Now there are rumors we might be getting a reboot or a sequel series to the show! Though those rumors don’t appear to be based on much.

Bakula appeared on The Talk and was asked about a potential reboot, to which he responded, “I don’t know, I don’t know. But I know the fans would love to have a reboot.”

He went on to speculate that the current era would offer plenty of fodder for Sam Beckett to tackle. “Well, there are so many things going on right now that need to be put right, that are currently going wrong, that he would be very, very busy. Lots to do.”

Which is true, but is also very far from saying, “We’re making it!” Unfortunately. It’s a little surprising that this isn’t already in motion, for HBO (fingers crossed!) or anywhere else. Quantum Leap had a great premise that seems easily replicable in all manner of ways. It’s one of the rare properties that is screaming out for a reboot.

Let’s make this happen!

Over the past few months, since the announcement was made, most of the news we’ve gotten has revolved around the cast. We know that Keanu and Carrie-Anne Moss are returning. We know that Lawrence Fishburne and Hugo Weaving are not. We know that Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, fresh off Watchmen, will be involved, as will Neil Patrick Harris and Jonathan Groff (my money is on the Mindhunter star playing an evil agent). Jada Pinkett Smith will also star, deciding not to pass on a role in The Matrix, like her hubby Will did.

We also know that The Matrix 4 is set to be released on the same day as John Wick 4, which should be quite the bonanza for both Keanu Reeves and Keanu Reeves fans.

But we have no idea what the movie is about, aside from the titular Matrix itself, how it connects to the previous films (hopefully it barely connects to Reloaded and Revolutions at all), or what’s up with Zion and the Architect and the Merovingian. (I apologize if those issues have been resolved, I have almost no recollection of the last two films in the series.)

We do, however, know there will be some crazy action because this is a Matrix movie. And because some footage of the filming has recently landed on the interwebs.

The footage doesn’t off all that much aside from the high-flying stunts that we’ve come to expect from the franchise. In the footage, which was taken during filming in San Francisco, we can see two black-clad individuals, presumably, Neo and Trinity (and more presumably Keanu Reeces’ and Carrie-Anne Moss’s stunt doubles), running and then jumping off of a roof.

Take a look:

Why they’re running, where they’re jumping to, who’s chasing them, we have no idea. (One theory is that Neo is somehow reborn into the Matrix and has to relearn the ropes.) How the stunt will actually translate to film is also a mystery. But I’m pretty sure it will look cool, and it’s nice to see that the fashions haven’t changed.

Next year, on May 21, 2021, we’ll find out what else hasn’t – or has – changed in the world of the Matrix. Stay tuned!

Do you love beer? Do you like to sleep? If you answered yes to those questions, and of course you answered yes to those questions, you’re in luck!

There’s a hero out there who has found a way to combine two of your favorite things – drinking beer and being unconscious – into one delightful product. It’s called the “Beer Pillow” and it’s not even as sophisticated as it sounds. It’s not a plush, fluffy, insulated pillow surrounding a six-pack of your favorite microbrew.

No. This isn’t America, this is ‘Merica! And Mericans get what they deserve, which is literally a Ziploc bag full of Bud Light.

The invention was dreamed up by Phil, the man behind “Beer Goals,” a Facebook page and YouTube channel dedicated to drinking 50 beers from all 50 states.

His FB bio reads:

“I’m a beer drinking expert. What kind of craft beer do I like to drink? All of them. IPA’s, Lagers, Double IPAs, you name it. That is why I have launched BEER GOALS to attempt and catalogue drinking 50 beers from 50 states. I know what you’re thinking; ’50 beers sure is not a lot of beers.’ Not fifty beers total. Fifty beers in EACH state. That’s 2500 beers! Although, we can’t forget the District of Columbia. So that’s… 2,550 beers! Along the way I’ll be providing helpful insights into hunting down and finding tasty beverages to help you achieve your beer drinking goals.”

When it came to creating the beer pillow, he wants to show you “how to have the ultimate brew night sleep.” So if your beer-drinking goal was to drink while you slept, well, Phil’s got you covered in this video detailing what his “beer pillow” is and how you can score your own!

Does it look comfortable? No. When I wake up parched in the middle of the night, do I want a nice cold Bud Light? Of course not.

But does its existence make me happy? USA! USA! USA!

A Washington State woman has been using her artistic talents to brighten the lives of thousands of babies and their families.

Back in 1996, a friend approached Paula Lazardo with a unique request. Their child would need to wear a medial helmet due to plagiocephaly — a common disorder causing a baby’s head to have a flattened appearance. The helmet would need to be worn for several months, so Lazardo knew it needed to be something special.

Once completed, a doctor saw her first creation and knew Lazardo’s talents could help so many more. The condition impacts around 10% of newborns in America, so while this was her first encounter with the medical helmets, it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

Since 1996, Lazardo has hand-painted over 3,000 of the typically mundane medical devices, all thanks to that initial interest by the treating physician. “He saw value in having the helmet painted for his clients,” Lazardo told HeartThreads. “It was just one of those snowball things… and now it’s virtually 99 percent of what I do is paint for babies! Which is the best job ever.”

Beyond brightening the lives of the children and likely everyone they encounter, her creations are unique to the owner. From motorcycle helmets to Captain America gear, the artist has created some truly incredible works, often in just 48 hours due to the nature of the equipment and its immediate need. But for Lazardo, it’s all worth it. “That’s what I love about the art that I’ve been able to do in my life: It’s always been for other people. It’s been able to make other people happy. That’s why I’ve got the best job!”

She has even created smaller helmets so that a child’s doll can have a matching cap.

With so many satisfied little customers, it’s easy to see why so many parents have turned to her over the years.

To learn more about her incredible work, visit Lazardo’s Facebook page.

I remember calling him after our third date. I knew I was in love with him already. My situation was complicated; I had a little girl of my own.

I asked him if he was sure he was ready for this.

“I want a family. I want you. I want her. I want to come home to you guys every day.” We stayed on the phone until we both fell asleep, and I’d never felt more peace.

At some point, my health tanked. I had a stroke 6 months after our wedding, and needed immense help during my recovery to do basic things. He fed me and never complained. He bathed me and never complained. He helped dress me every day, and still didn’t complain.

I thought back to that phone call. How I gave him an out and he didn’t take it then. I decided to give him another chance to walk away from this chaos he didn’t ask for.

I looked at him in tears and said, “If this is too much, the kids, the recovery, the weight you’re carrying for us, I understand. This is not how we planned to spend our first few years together.”

He was quiet for a moment… and then, “I planned to spend these years with you. I’m exactly where I want to be. I’m not going anywhere so you’ll have to do better than a stroke to get rid of me.”

He never shakes when faced with a struggle, and picks our family up when we have nothing left to hold us. I’m thankful he chose me, and her, and us.

We’ve since added two more daughters to the mix, and I’m thankful every moment he’s their dad.”

– Stashia Tracy

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

No marriage is perfect.

My marriage isn’t, your marriage isn’t, George and Amal’s marriage isn’t, not even Blake and Ryan’s marriage is without its struggles. We are all different people, and no matter how well you know one another, there will always be conflict. Sometimes big, sometimes small, but there will always be issues of disagreement, and those issues are bound to be unique to your own relationship.

Except this one.

Almost all married couples argue about the thermostat. It’s the source of countless jokes, and memes, and moments in bad sitcoms because it’s true. It’s a stereotype for a reason. And now we have the science to back it up!

A company called Vivint Solar has published a report around thermostat arguments, and these numbers make a lot of sense.

75% of women and 74% of men admit to fighting over the temperature in the house, with the arguments breaking down in two ways: 33% think their partner keeps the house too cold and 31% think it’s too hot. 36% actually say it’s fine, so apparently they don’t need counseling UNLIKE THE REST OF US!

Helpfully, the study provides a little bit of guidance so as to not let the thermostat wars destroy your union. Vivint Solar enlisted Dr. Margaret Paul, a relationship expert, to offer some tips.

“What happens in conflicts like these, is that each person generally just wants to win—it can turn into a power struggle,” she says. “The way out of that is to be open to understanding not only their own feelings, but the other person’s, as well. It’s very interesting what happens when people are open to learning rather than just trying to win. When they’re caring about themselves and caring about the other person, then they can come to a resolution.”

What I think she means is: keep your paws off the thermostat and throw on a blanket!

That’s what 23% of the people who responded to this survey do, with 28% of women saying they’ll grab a blanket or a sweater and let it go. Only 17% of men are willing to raise that olive branch, with most men preferring to continue to argue. Probably for the make-up sex.

If you don’t want to fight and you don’t want to layer up, the study suggests that a temperature of 70 degrees is the perfect compromise, with both men and women agreeing on that number. I dunno though, just one degree less seems nice to me.

It can be easy to forget that famous people are still human. That actors and athletes and celebrities, despite seemingly glamourous lifestyles, are actually working professionals, with lives and families. And for some of them, particularly the athletes, their jobs involve a lot of risk.

Especially when that job involves racing a car at speeds over 200 mph.

Ryan Newman is one such professional, a NASCAR driver who participated in the Daytona 500 over the weekend. Ryan has a wife and two daughters, and Sunday afternoon could not have been easy for them. Newman was closing in on a victory at the fabled race when he was involved in a fiery crash and failed to immediately emerge from his car, which had viewers fearing the worst. Among those viewers was his wife.

After witnessing the crash, Newman’s wife, Krissie, with whom he’d just announced a separation after 16 years of marriage, tweeted her reaction. Hopefully, their two daughters weren’t also watching.

Omg

— Krissie Newman (@NewmanKrissie) February 18, 2020

Krissie wasn’t the only one worried about her husband, as fans gathered outside the hospital awaiting word on his condition.

Fans have gathered outside Halifax to wait for news about Newman and pray for him and his family. The man I just spoke with was sitting directly in front of the crash. He was emotional discussing his worries about Newman’s condition. #Daytona pic.twitter.com/tFImFZgmIU

— Deanna Allbrittin (@deannaTVnews) February 18, 2020

Thankfully, NASCAR announced that while Newman is in serious condition after the crash, his injuries are not life-threatening.

pic.twitter.com/euuHYxPHxj

— NASCAR (@NASCAR) February 18, 2020

That’s promising news, especially for the two little girls Newman dotes on, as evidenced by his social media feeds, on which he shares images of hanging out with his kids and teaching them about the outdoors.

Happy National Hunting and Fishing Day from #TeamOutdoors! Self-imposed taxes from hunters and anglers raise billions of dollars for wildlife conservation. #takeakidfishing #takeakidhunting pic.twitter.com/XlEzn6DVqI

— Ryan Newman (@RyanJNewman) September 28, 2019

Clearly Newman relishes being a dad.

Our thoughts are with Ryan and his family and we’re rooting for him to make a full recovery.

Enlisting in the military is one of the truest sacrifices and one that few families fully understand. On top of that, outside of the requisite “Thank you for your service” and maybe the occasional seat-swap on a plane, support can be limited. So it’s always heartwarming when people make the extra effort.

One strong example is how some families are stepping up to help aging and ailing veterans. Tens of thousands of United States vets live in nursing homes, and thousands more are homeless, but now hundreds of families have started to open their homes to foster an elderly veteran.

The Medical Foster Home program pairs senior veterans who can’t live on their own with a family willing to take in and care for those who have served. The program is now in 44 states and foster families can take in up to three veterans to provide them a more comfortable place to receive care.

A spokesman for the program said it’s a long-term commitment and usually a permanent one for many families. They try to match veterans with homes in their hometown to keep things as familiar as possible, and currently, the program has more than 700 families involved.

One family told The Washington Post that it was an honor to have a veteran living under their roof. And the veteran said he loved his new family and wanted to ‘be with them till the day I die.’ The program is among the higher-rated ones in the VA and a spokesman told Southern Living magazine the vets and new caregivers become family and even go on vacations together.

“These people really are angels,” he said. “They’re doing such amazing things. Every vet deserves the right to live in a home and remain where they thrive.”

The slogan for the program is a fitting one: “Where our heroes meet angels.”

If you are interested in participating, you can contact your local VA.