The Worst 202 Dad Jokes That Will Make Your Kids Cringe

101 Worst Dad Jokes to Make Your Kids Cringe
(Getty/Radius Images)

There are so many unique perks to being a dad, but there’s one unlike any other: Bad jokes magically become good! At least in our own minds. But if it’s a delusion, it’s a delusion no one can take from us. Here’s a list of the 101 Corniest Dad Jokes out there. Share them with your kids! Whether it’s raucous laughter from your toddler or a pained eye roll from your teenager, it’s missions accomplished for us!

1. When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

2. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs.

RELATED: The Best Yo Mama Jokes Are Also the Kindest Yo Mama Jokes – Fatherly

3. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

4. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.

5. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.

6. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

7. What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

8. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.

9. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.

10. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

11. Why did the pirate walk the plank?
His dog was back on land.

12. I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.

13. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

14. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

15. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

16. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

17. What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.

18. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

19. What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y!

20. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.

21. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

22. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

RELATED: 100+ Dad Jokes That MOMS Think Are Funny – Scary Mommy

23. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!

24. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

25. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.

26. What sound does a witches car make?
Broom Broom.

27. Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.

28. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

29. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.

30. I try to avoid eating anchovies.
It’s a little fishy.

31. Why can’t you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.

32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

33. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

34. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.

35. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

36. What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

37. Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

40. What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
“1forrest1”

41. How do trees access the internet?
They log in.

42. What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

43. 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

44. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

45. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.

46. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

47. What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milkshake.

48. Why do the French never order 2 eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.

49. What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!

50. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

51. Why couldn’t the mail person delivery any envelopes?
They were stationary.

52. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

53. I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny.

54. What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?
Frost bite.

55. How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.

56. Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.

57. I tried to catch some fog.
But I mist.

58. Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes?
To IHOP.

59. I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.

60. Which day do chickens hate the most?
Friday.

61. What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!

62. The rotation of earth really makes my day.

63. What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

64. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

65. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

66. The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

67. What’s the king of all school supplies?
The ruler.

68. Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.

69. Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.

70. Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.

71. What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!

72. What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
The CIEIO.

73. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.

74. Why does the clock break when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

75. Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.

76. Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.

77. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

78. What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get?
The No-bell prize.

79. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.

80. Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
It has too many tellers.

81. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.

82. How do astronomers organize a party?
They planet.

83. What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

84. Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.

85. Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

86. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.

87. Where do sharks go on vacation?
Finland.

88. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.

89. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.

90. How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.

91. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.

92. What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.

93. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.

94. What state do crayons go to on vacation?
Color-ado.

95. Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.

96. What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

97. What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.

98. Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

99. Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.

100. What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.

101. Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

102. I love telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he even laughs.

103. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.

104. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.

105. What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIINS!”

106. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Their middle name.

107. A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
I told him my dogs don’t even own bikes.

108. What’s the resemblance between a red apple and a green apple?
They’re both red. Except for the green one.

109. How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?
You slowly get over it.

110. Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

111. My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type.
He kept insisting we “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

112. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

113. How did ancient Grecians get memorialized?
They had to urn it.

114. Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They’re making headlines.

115. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.

116. What do you call bears with no ears?
B

117. Does anyone need an ark?
I Noah guy.

118. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

119. When does a tailor need to go on vacation?
When they seem stressed.

120. What is heavy forward but not backward?
A ton.

121. Why can’t you tell dad jokes until you have kids?
It’s a faux pas.

122. I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet.
So far I’ve got twelve fridges.

123. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word.

124. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

125. Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

126. Two soldiers are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Blubblublubblubblub.”

127. Why was the burglar so sensitive?
He takes things personally.

128. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.

129. I invented a new word today:
Plagiarism.

130. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table.
I needed a running start, but I made it.

131. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

132. Why is Orion’s belt the worst constellation?
It’s a waist of space.

133. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”
I accidentally left my phone in
Airplane! mode.

134. Why is it so hard to tell a joke about retired people?
None of them work.

135. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

136. My son put his shoes on the wrong feet.
I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.

137. The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag.
I told him to just leave it in the carton.

138. What was the most ground-breaking invention?
A shovel.

139. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

140. Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic?
It takes you back.

141. I just found out I’m colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

142. What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.

143. A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot.
But that’s the last thing I need.

144. To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.

145. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

146. Why do flamingoes life one leg up?
If they lifted both they’d fall.

147. What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A yardvark.

148. I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang.
Eventually, it came back to me.

149. Why do graveyards have gates?
Because people are dying to get in.

150. Today my son asked me for a book Mark.
Can’t believe he’s 11 and still doesn’t know I’m named Dave.

151. Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum?
It was just collecting dust.

152. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.

153. What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.

154. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
That can’t just be a coincidence.

155. If you ever want to talk about why our air conditioning bill is so high, my door is always open.

156. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

157. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

158. What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

159. I tried watching The Neverending Story.
Couldn’t finish it.

160. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

161. What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.

162. Don’t worry if your parachute won’t open.
You’ll have the rest of your life to fix it.

163. What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

164. Why shouldn’t you try writing with a broken pencil?
It’s pointless.

165. Why should you buy socks with holes in them?
It’s the only way to get your feet in.

166. What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

167. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.

168. What’s the difference in how you cure bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu you need tweetment, if you have swine flu you just need oink-ment.

169. Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.

170. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

171. This morning my alarm went off early.
I thought its sell-by date was tomorrow.

172. Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.

173. Why is “R” only a pirate’s second favorite letter?
Because their first love is the C.

174. Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.

175. How do you remember which direction the sun rises in?
Eventually, it’ll dawn on you.

176. Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill areas.

177. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

178. What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.

179. Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.

180. What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?
Bison.

181. When does a dad joke cost $1000?
When it’s a granddad joke.

182. Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.

183. What did the dumbwaiter say to the elevator?
I think I’m coming down with something.

184. What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

185. What’s the tallest building in the world?
The library, it has the most stories.

186. What’s the best time of day?
6:30, hands down.

187. How are a hippo and Zippo similar?
One is very heavy, the other’s only a little lighter.

188. What’s the 25th letter of the alphabet?
I don’t know, y?

189. What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking. JK, Rolling.

190. How do you handle a fear of elevators?
You take steps to avoid them.

191. How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
By whether you see it later or in awhile.

192. When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer?
There are more geese on that side.

193. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

194. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.

195. How can you tell by someone’s home if they’re a highway robber?
All the signs will be there.

196. Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.

197. How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can’t, elephant only have feet.

198. What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

199. How do you make an egg roll?
Just give it a little push.

200. How can you make money while freshening your breath?
Investmints.

201. What is the best thing about living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

202. Want to hear a joke about construction?
I’m still working on it.

When a Student Was Embarrassed by His New Haircut His Principal Fixed It for Him

Principal Haircut
(Facebook/Lewis Speaks)

A principal in Indianapolis is going viral for the compassionate way he treated a student and it’s a genuinely touching gesture. It was the first day students were back to school for in-person learning, and the pupil in question refused to take his hat off. He was subsequently sent to the principal’s office.

When he got there, the middle school principal Jason Smith, learned the boy wouldn’t take his hat off because he was embarrassed about his haircut. Instead of launching straight into disciplinary action, Smith told the student he had experience cutting hair. He showed him some pictures and proposed fixing his hair with clippers if he’d go back to class. The boy agreed. Smith called the student’s mom for consent and then got to work. A school resource officer shared the photo on Facebook, saying the principal was a great leader.

“The principal could have easily called the child’s parent and put him out of school for the day, but he took time out of his busy schedule to make sure the student was successful completing his first day of school,” he wrote.

The student’s mom said the principal handled it very well.

“I’m just glad he was able to handle that without being put in in-school suspension,” she said. The student apologized for his behavior afterward and went back to class.

Smith told CNN that disciplinary action would’ve just prevented the student from being in the classroom and learning and that he checked in on the student after the haircut and he was following the rules and was doing great in class.

“All behavior is communication and when a student is struggling, we need to ask ourselves what happened to this child instead of what’s wrong with the child,” Smith said. “What need is the child trying to get met and really, the future of urban education rests on that question.”

Now that’s a principal with some positive principles.  It’s a position that often gets ridiculed in popular culture, but the principal can set the tone for an entire school, and choosing compassion and understanding over discipline speaks volumes about his dedication to his students.

Preschoolers Help Senior Home Residents Celebrate Mardi Gras With Parade

Preschoolers hold mardi gras parade for senior home
(Facebook/Country Place Senior Living of Fairhope, Alabama)

COVID has changed the way we do just about everything. Rather than forgo the activities we love, many of us have found creative ways to safely enjoy our favorite things. Some people, like residents of senior centers, don’t always have the resources or the technical abilities to modify their lifestyles as much as they may like. Fortunately, kind samaritans have been stepping up to ensure those quarantined in elderly care facilities aren’t forgotten during such an isolating time.

Residents of Fairhope, Alabama are serious about their Mardi Gras celebrations. In normal times, the town held annual Mardi Gras parades, carnivals, and even a ball to celebrate the festive day. This year, however, the town’s celebrations were canceled.

Preschool students at Stars Early Learning Academy were disappointed about this year’s lack of festivities. The kids loved dressing up and participating in parades, and most kids are still struggling to process why all of their favorite activities have suddenly disappeared. Rather than simply helping their students cope with disappointment, teachers at the academy devised a plan.

Not only would their students get to celebrate Mardi Gras, but they would give back to their community by helping others celebrate as well. Specifically, residents of Country Place Senior Living community. The kids and teachers planned and prepared, and finally, it was time to celebrate the fruits of their labor.

Led by a trumpeter, the young students pushed their decorated floats made of strollers, shopping carts, and even Cozy Coupes around Country Place. They smiled and danced, waving at residents through their windows. The parade was a smashing success, leaving residents of the senior center smiling and filled with joy.

Preschoolers host parade for senior home
(Facebook/Country Place Senior Living of Fairhope, Alabama)

“Another big thank you to our neighbors, Stars Daycare for helping put together our social distanced Mardi Gras parade!” Country Place Senior Living shared on Facebook. “Between the festive live music and kids that are cuter than crawdads, our residents are truly in the Mardi Gras spirit! Laissez les bons temps rouler!”

Co-Op Shooter ‘Aliens: Fireteam’ Releasing This Summer on Playstation, Xbox & PC

Aliens: Fireteam Game
(YouTube/Aliens Fireteam)

“Move it Spunkmeyer, we’re rolling.”

Today, developer Cold Iron Studios revealed their Left 4 Dead/Gears of War style, three-player co-op shooter Aliens: Fireteam.  You can check out all the alien/face-hugger madness in the action-packed trailer down below.

Scheduled to release Summer 2021 on PS4, PS5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X/S, & PC, Aliens: Fireteam will take place over a multi-mission story campaign.  The story is set 23 years after the original Alien trilogy and will drop “players into the role of a Colonial Marine aboard the USS Endeavor, recently tasked with answering a distress call from the outer colonies. Deploy to overrun facilities, abandoned ruins, and strange alien landscapes as you battle terrifying enemies across four campaigns with two friends or AI teammates.”

There will be over 20 enemy types, including 11 unique types of Xenomorphs ranging from Facehuggers to Praetorians and Synthetics.

Players on the other hand will be able to choose from one of five unique classes such as Gunner, Demolisher, Technician, Doc, and Recon.  Each class will have unlockable cosmetics to make your marine your own.  There will also be different levels of difficulty to choose from for each mission that will introduce things like friendly fire, deadlier acid spray from Xenomorphs, and scarcer resources.

I think it’s time to pick a class, get the crew together and slay some aliens.  Maybe we’ll even build a fire and sing a couple of songs in between matches.

Aliens: Fireteam will release on PS4, PS5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X/S, & PC Summer, 2021

An American Airlines Pilot Had a UFO Encounter and the FBI Is Investigating It

American Airlines UFO
(Getty/Cooper NEILL)

An American Airlines pilot saw an unidentified flying object last week and I feel like we’re all taking it too lightly. This isn’t a kook or someone publishing a clearly doctored photo to accompany some bizarre theory. This is a professional and experienced airline pilot spotting something and determining what that something was has proven difficult.

It was on Saturday when an American Airlines pilot on a flight from Cincinnati to Phoenix told air traffic controllers that he spotted something else flying in the sky, very close to his plane.

“Do you have any targets up here? We just had something go right over the top of us,” he said. “I hate to say this but it looked like a long cylindrical object that almost looked like a cruise missile type of thing moving really fast over the top of us.”

The FAA released a statement saying air traffic controllers did not see any object in the area on their radar. So that’s all totally normal and good! Case closed, move along.

The transmission was caught by a blogger who was trying to pick up a different aircraft with a radio scanner. Steve Douglass published the audio on the aviation blog Deep Blue Horizon. Since the report, the airline has confirmed the authenticity of the transmission.

The blogger determined the broadcast was made over the northeast corner of New Mexico, near Clayton. The FBI is currently investigating.

Now, does UFO necessarily mean aliens? Of course not. It’s probably some military test of a missile or something similar, that’s the most logical explanation.

Buuuuuuuut (the buts are always where the fun stuff happens), could it be? I mean, the UFO world does seem to be heating up with news and declassifications in the last few years. It does seem like something the government is investigating more thoroughly and is being more transparent about (which, to be fair, is a very low bar and still isn’t that forthcoming).

So, there is a non-zero chance airline pilots on a routine flight encountered an object from another civilization, and that is pretty cool. Even if it was some new military weapon they’re developing, that would be pretty cool too.

Either way you look at it, something pretty cool happened in the sky of New Mexico last month.

Recently-Rescued Dog Saves Owner’s Life After He Collapses From a Stroke

Dog rescues owner after he has stroke
(YouTube/CBS New York)

A phrase that’s frequently thrown around when talking about rescue dogs is, “who rescued who?” Though technically it was the human’s decision to give a dog in need their forever home, dogs have the incredible ability to give back to their humans. You provide the food and shelter, and they’ll happily provide constant companionship and love. Dogs can calm anxiety and help us through challenging times, but sometimes, they rescue their humans in ways we can’t ignore.

Sadie, a 6-year-old German shepherd, was surrendered to a local shelter by her former owner. Middle-aged dogs have a much harder time being adopted than puppies and the trust issues that followed the loss of the only humans she knew and loved made her situation even more challenging.

“She was confused and seemingly lost upon rescue, having suddenly lost the only family that she knew,” the Ramapo-Bergen Animal Refuge said on Facebook. “Sadie is a loyal dog, but nervous and protective with new people, making her a more difficult placement. Just a few months ago, Brian came into Sadie’s life and decided to adopt her. Though her bio noted that she was especially nervous with men, Brian felt a special bond with Sadie, as he valued her intelligence, hesitancy to trust and fierce loyalty once she did form that trust.”

It wasn’t long after Brian took Sadie home that she had the opportunity to prove her fierce loyalty, an opportunity that saved Brian’s life. Just a few months after embarking on a new life together, Sadie realized something was very wrong with her human. Brian collapsed, after experiencing what was later diagnosed as a stroke. Sadie stayed by Brian’s side, keeping him awake by licking his face. According to the Ramapo-Bergen Animal Refuge, Sadie even pulled Brian over to his cell phone – had Sadie not been there, Brian wouldn’t have been able to call for help.

Thanks to Sadie, Brian got the help he needed in time. While Brian recovers from his stroke, his furry hero is staying with family. The pair FaceTime daily, making sure Sadie knows she hasn’t been abandoned again. Brian may have rescued the middle-aged pup a few months ago at the shelter, but this time, it was Sadie who rescued Brian.

How Playing Video Games Helped Me Through My Fight With Cancer

How Playing Video Games Helped me Through Cancer
(Getty/photoschmidt)

There are just certain things in our lives that can lift up our spirits.  A favorite TV series or a certain kind of food.  It’s different for everyone, but video games are what helped me cope during a rough patch in my life.

Almost eight years ago, I was diagnosed with testicular cancer.  While in the shower, one of my testicles felt like a rock.  It was solid and painful to even graze it on anything.  Putting any kind of pants on would become a chore and unfortunately, you have to wear pants out in public.  After expressing concerns with my doctor, I was booked in for an ultrasound.

Immediately the day after the scan, I got a call from my doctor and she asked me to come in to discuss the results.  She told me to bring my wife and kids as well.  The positive, inviting sound of her voice almost made it seem like we were going to like what she had to say.  She broke the news and my wife and I held back tears.  Our kids didn’t really know what was going on since they were young at the time (one and four).  For me, I thought that was it.  The beginning of the end.  Game over, man.

Ultimately it was decided that surgery would be the best option.  They would remove my right testicle (they make an incision in-between your pelvic area and your stomach) and after that perform some tests to see if the cancer had spread any further.  It is the most common form of cancer in men age 15 to 35 and statistically, 95% of men survive testicular cancer, you just have to catch it early enough.

My wife likes to take only the most flattering photos of me.

The day of the surgery arrived and I was on edge.  I constantly kept making sure with the doctor and nurses that they knew that it was my right testicle they were removing. I had this fear they would accidentally remove the wrong testicle and then they would end up having to remove both.  Even when they were giving me the anesthesia, I made sure with them that it was my right testicle they were removing.  After the surgery, I woke up groggy and disoriented, but not so disoriented that I didn’t immediately check underneath the covers.  They had removed the “right” testicle.  I breathed a sigh of relief and might have laughed because I was still ridiculously high on pain meds.

Once I was back at home, any movement was pretty painful and my mental state wasn’t the greatest.  That’s the thing, the surgery wasn’t the hard part, it’s what comes after.  Growing up, your testicles are a coveted treasure.  I can guarantee you’ve heard “Grow a pair” or “Get some balls”.  It’s rammed into your head that your testicles define who you are as a man (they don’t).  Well, now I was short one.  In desperate need to get away from my current situation, I figured this was as perfect a time as any to chill on the couch and catch up on my backlog of games.  Parental duties had pushed Borderlands 2 to the wayside so I decided to start a new character and immediately, I found myself lost in its wild, hilarious, messed-up world.  That’s one of the great things about video games, they’re able to distract you and help with the healing process.  I’m not quite sure I’d recommend something as intense as Dark Souls, but if that helps you relax, go for it.

I hadn’t played any of the expansions yet for Borderlands 2 and there’s one called ‘Assault on Dragon Keep’.  It involves you traveling through various fantastical areas within a board game called ‘Bunkers and Badasses’.  Much like an actual Dungeons and Dragons game, the world shifts and transforms right in front of your eyes.  It’s really awesome and as with most of Borderlands, it has its fair share of funny moments.  While you’re playing through it though, there are little hints as to why one of Borderland’s most outrageous characters Tiny Tina loves playing ‘Bunkers and Badasses’ so much.  She uses the game to cope with the death of her friend.

It was at that moment I realized I had something in common with the adorable little psychopath and this game spoke volumes to me.  Borderlands 2 allowed me to escape to a world where I got to be a badass Vault Hunter.  Like most video games, it offered a form of escapism that I so desperately needed at that time in my life.  I just wanted to get lost in something and forget about the situation I was in.

Almost eight years later, surgery would end up being all I needed.  I’m still in remission, but I get checked yearly just to be safe.  It honestly took a while before I didn’t feel any different and felt confident again with myself, but video games helped with getting through that whole process.  Things turned out alright in the end for me, but I can’t imagine the stress and fear of the families dealing with a situation like mine that doesn’t go according to plan.  I have friends and family who have dealt with and are currently dealing with cancer in their lives.  You don’t realize how many people it actually affects until you’ve been there yourself.

Video games have the power to take your mind off things, allowing you to heal, and Borderlands 2 holds a special place in my heart for that reason.

Sometimes, just like Tiny Tina, you have to escape the real world for a little while.

Testicular cancer is no joke.  Most young men are reluctant to talk about it or examine themselves because they’re embarrassed, and those with testicular cancer may not discover it until it’s too late.  Don’t let the stigma hold you back from getting checked out.  If you think you might have testicular cancer, here’s how to self-examine yourself.

God of War Fans Want Nick Offerman To Play Kratos in a Live-Action Adaptation

Offerman as Kratos
(@Nick_Offerman/Sony)

It looks like we might have a fan favorite candidate for the role of the mighty Kratos, should Sony ever decide to make a live-action God of War.

This whole thing started thanks to a Twitter thread by Neil Gaiman.  He asked everyone to post pictures of themselves as the head of an underground organization without downloading new pics.  Parks and Rec star Nick Offerman posted an image of himself and God of War fans immediately began making comparisons to the 2018 Playstation 4 version of the character.

The resemblance is uncanny with the completely bald head, intimidating stare, and impressive beard.  Fans were quick to bring God of War director Cory Barlog into the mix, begging for Nick to be considered for the live-action role.

There were even those that took it upon themselves to photoshop Nick wearing the classic Kratos war paint.

Personally, I’d love to see Nick play the role of Kratos, but as Ron Swanson.  Ron enjoys wood carving, hunting, being alone, and presents himself with a steely demeanor, much like Kratos.  Oh man, wait a sec.  Does that mean?  No… it couldn’t.  Are Kratos and Ron Swanson one and the same?  Does Ron Swanson battle Greek Gods when he’s not working as the head of the Pawnee Parks and Rec Department?  Does Kratos want all of the bacon and secretly play the saxophone as Duke Silver?

Let the fan theories commence!

Otherwise Clueless Kids Know Exactly Who Chadwick Boseman Is

Kids Know Who Chadwick Is
(Twitter/Phil_Lewis_)

In times like these, entertainment can seem pretty meaningless. And awards ceremonies featuring rich and famous people patting each other and themselves on the back are about the last thing we need. But sometimes we’re reminded of the impact that some of those larger-than-life performers have, even during tough times.

Chadwick Boseman was one of those larger-than-life performers, having portrayed a variety of heroes on the big screen, from Jackie Robinson and James Brown, two black titans of 20th-century culture, to King T’Challa of Wakanda, one of the most popular superheroes of the 21st century.

At Sunday’s Golden Globes ceremony, Boseman was honored for his final performance, winning Best Actor, Drama for his role in Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. His victory resulted in a moving speech from his bereaved wife, during which the hole the gifted actor and beloved man’s loss has left in his friends and family’s life was made abundantly clear.

But before his category aired, we were treated to a segment in which Phillip Lewis, an editor at Huffington Post, quizzed young kids on their knowledge of the Golden Globes, which, we quickly learned as the segment progressed, wasn’t much.

Before the segment ended, however, we learned that while those kids might not know Minari from Mank, they definitely know who Chadwick Boseman is: Black Panther.

The segment made for a fun, touching tribute to a star who left us far too soon but whose legacy will last generations.

Watch it here:

Chadwick Boseman’s Wife Tearfully Accepts His Posthumous Golden Globe Award

Boseman's Wife Accepts Award
(Twitter/NBC)

Last night was the Golden Globes. The Globes are the first major awards show of Hollywood’s awards season, which will last longer than usual this year with the Oscars being pushed to April (thanks Covid) and also the least reputable.

Nobody quite knows who makes up the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, other than the fact that they aren’t black and they are corrupt, but the awards ceremony itself is generally regarded as pretty fun because the stars of movies and television mingle, and many drinks are consumed.

Not this year. This year, it was pretty much all Zoom. (Thanks Covid!) Co-hosted by Tina Fey And Amy Poehler from opposite coasts, nominees accepted awards and made speeches via sometimes faulty video feeds. Which made for an awkward broadcast that left little room for fun. There were few spontaneous moments where a couple of presenters – say, Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig – riffed on stage. Instead, it was mostly a bunch of cringe-worthy reaction shots and stilted speeches.

There were a few genuine moments, like when the director of Best Foreign Film winner Minari accepted the award while his daughter hugged him, or when a pre-taped bit featuring clueless children made clear the overwhelming impact of the late Chadwick Boseman. Perhaps the most moving moment of the night was when Boseman won a posthumous award for his performance in Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom.

The actor, who died unexpectedly last year after a secret battle with cancer, was not able to accept his award, but his wife was. Through tears, Taylor Simone Ledward did her best to fill-in for her late husband, expressing gratitude for his costars and crew, his family and friends, and the HFPA.

Give it a watch, and have some tissues handy: