The Worst 101 Dad Jokes That Will Make Your Kids Cringe

101 Worst Dad Jokes to Make Your Kids Cringe
(Getty/Radius Images)

There are so many unique perks to being a dad, but there’s one unlike any other: Bad jokes magically become good! At least in our own minds. But if it’s a delusion, it’s a delusion no one can take from us. Here’s a list of the 101 Corniest Dad Jokes out there. Share them with your kids! Whether it’s raucous laughter from your toddler or a pained eye roll from your teenager, it’s missions accomplished for us!

1. When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

2. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s only got tiny legs.

3. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot

4. I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.

5. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.

6. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

7. What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.

8. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
Then I turned myself around.

9. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.

10. Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

11. Why did the pirate walk the plank?
His dog was back on land.

12. I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.

13. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.

14. What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

15. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.

16. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

17. What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump.
If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.

18. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

19. What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y!

20. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.

21. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.

22. Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

23. How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put some boogie in it!

24. What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

25. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I’m just doing it for kicks.

26. What sound does a witches car make?
Broom Broom.

27. Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.

28. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.

29. When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.

30. I try to avoid eating anchovies.
It’s a little fishy.

31. Why can’t you can’t trust atoms?
They make up everything.

32. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.

33. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.

34. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.

35. Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

36. What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.

37. Why was the horse so happy?
Because he lived in a stable environment.

38. A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”

39. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

40. What was Forrest Gump’s email password?
“1forrest1”

41. How do trees access the internet?
They log in.

42. What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

43. 3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.

44. Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

45. What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef Jerky.

46. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

47. What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
A milkshake.

48. Why do the French never order 2 eggs?
Because one egg is an oeuf.

49. What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!

50. What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

51. Why couldn’t the mail person delivery any envelopes?
They were stationary.

52. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.

53. I was going to share a vegetable joke, but it’s corny.

54. What do you get when you cross a snoman and a vampire?
Frost bite.

55. How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.

56. Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.

57. I tried to catch some fog.
But I mist.

58. Where does the Easter Bunny go to eat pancakes?
To IHOP.

59. I can cut down a tree only using my vision.
I saw it with my own eyes.

60. Which day do chickens hate the most?
Friday.

61. What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!

62. The rotation of earth really makes my day.

63. What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

64. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

65. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

66. The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
But now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

67. What’s the king of all school supplies?
The ruler.

68. Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.

69. Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.

70. Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.

71. What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!

72. What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
The CIEIO.

73. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.

74. Why does the clock break when it gets hungry?
It goes back four seconds.

75. Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.

76. Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.

77. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

78. What award did the inventor of knock knock jokes get?
The No-bell prize.

79. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.

80. Why can’t the bank keep a secret?
It has too many tellers.

81. Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.

82. How do astronomers organize a party?
They planet.

83. What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.

84. Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.

85. Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

86. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.

87. Where do sharks go on vacation?
Finland.

88. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.

89. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.

90. How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.

91. Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.

92. What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.

93. What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.

94. What state do crayons go to on vacation?
Color-ado.

95. Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.

96. What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.

97. What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks.

98. Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

99. Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.

100. What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.

101. Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

 

Tough crowd? Then make sure to check out the 101 Best Dad Jokes.

Scientists Baffled By Toddler Who Woke At 4am, Refused Nap, “Seems to be growing more powerful”

(Getty/puhhha)

A 2-year-old in Cincinnati is defying everything we thought we knew about the science of sleep.

Despite waking for the day at 4am, she refused her afternoon nap and is now too wired to fall asleep at bedtime. Defying all laws of science, logic, God, and man, the child continues to refuse sleep. She has also been making noise nonstop for a record-breaking 16 hours.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” says leading sleep scientist Meredith Rischmann. “With the extremely early wake time and no nap, she should be MORE tired than usual, but it seems like she’s only getting more powerful. She’s in perpetual motion, working indefinitely without an energy source, and we can’t explain it.”

“I can barely keep my eyes open,” states her dad, “We’re getting desperate. There seems to be no end in sight.”

Scientists are unable to explain how the child has not passed out and refuses to settle down, despite being read 3 bedtime stories and given a drink of water. People from the community are rallying around the family, with one neighbor suggesting lavender essential oils, to little avail.

“We tried putting a drop of lavender oil on her pillow, and it’s almost like the nice smell had no effect on her at all!” says her dad.

In a shocking exclusive interview, the toddler in question was asked when she planned to sleep and she screamed, “NEVER!” The child then began levitating and glowing with blinding white heat in a state of pure, uncontrolled energy.

Her exhausted mother was unable to comment, as she had fallen asleep on the couch despite the extremely loud conditions.

This Just In…is The Dad Faking News. Despite being completely plausible to parents, it’s satire and intended for entertainment purposes only. For more stories like this one click here.

Retiring Pilot Ends Final Flight By Pinning His Wings On Toddler With Down Syndrome

(Joe Weis | American Airlines)

An American Airlines pilot retired earlier this month after more than three decades, and his final flight was one he will never forget. On his Miami-bound flight, Captain Joe Weis was in the cockpit for the final time, while his wife was in the cabin, making friends with a mother and young child.

The child was a 2-year-old boy with Down syndrome, and he was making the return journey of his very first plane trip. When Joe heard about the boy’s special trip happening on his final flight, he invited the boy into the cockpit (after landing, he’s not breaking any rules on his final flight) and pinned his official captain wings onto the toddler.

“It’s so amazing what he did. The whole thing was so cool,” the boy’s mother told the Orlando Sentinel on Friday.

The boy smiled, clapped and said “thank you” in sign language after Captain Joe pinned his wings on him. His mother said she still talks about the moment and Weis’ former employer, American Airlines, said in a statement they were touched by Captain Joe’s actions.

For his part, Weis said he would never forget it.

“Since it was my last flight, and his first, we wanted to make it special,” he wrote on Facebook.

 

 

Redditors Share The Daddest Things Their Dads Have Ever Done

(Wikimedia Commons | Reddit)
Has your dad cracked a dad joke during a Seger song? Maybe blocked the thermostat with a New Balance sneaker? These Redditors weigh in on the daddest things they’ve ever witnessed their dads do.

1. An alternative to turning this car around.

2. If you’re hungry, he’s Austria.

3. Roasted. Er, sorry, baked.

4. God bless servers for dealing with our dads…

5. …and cashiers…

6. …and imaginary telemarketers.

7. This one might take a second.

8. Father knows your hot dog cravings best.

9. Checkout lines are like open mic workshops for dads.

 

Check out the full list here. Tell us about the daddest thing you’ve ever seen (or done!) at [email protected]. Include a pic or a video and we may feature you so that the whole world can share in your cringe.

Doctor Delivers Baby While Dressed As The Joker

(JUSTIN SELPH)

Having a baby is a pretty scary thing. And that’s before you even consider the physical toll of going through labor! Adding a tiny, helpless creature to your life, one that you’re entirely responsible for on every conceivable level for at least the next two decades of your life is a pretty harrowing event.

It’s important that you have the support you need, both during and after pregnancy. A caring, helpful, knowledgeable doctor and healthcare team that you trust is paramount. Knowing you and your baby are in good hands is essential to managing stress and surviving labor and the first few weeks post-delivery.

A sense of humor helps too. Especially if you go into labor on Halloween.

That’s what happened to Brittany Selph, who had a due date of November 5th but didn’t quite make it. Instead, she found herself at the hospital, being assisted in her delivery by… The Joker?

Thankfully, it wasn’t the actual Batman villain but was her physician, Dr. Paul Locus, an obstetrician at the Henry County Medical Center in Paris, Tennessee who was fully decked out in Heath Ledger’s Joker look when he delivered Brittany’s daughter Oaklyn.

“My wife’s due date was Nov. 5, but that obviously didn’t happen. She woke up Halloween morning to her water leaking,” Brittany’s husband, Justin Selph, told PEOPLE. When they arrived at the hospital, they saw their doctor in costume as DC’s iconic supervillain. Luckily, they weren’t so serious.

Knowing full well it was a little odd, Dr. Locus was more than prepared to shed his costume and deliver the Selph’s baby in a more traditional outfit, but the couple was comfortable with him, and assured him it was fine. In fact, instead of being bothered, the couple was actually enthusiastic, and totally down to clown!

“We found it very humorous and a little excited that we would have a baby delivered by The Joker.”

The delivery went off without a hitch, and now the couple has one heck of a story, and some insane photos to go with it!

“There my wife is, staring the Joker straight in the eyes while delivering our baby, what a sight!” Justin says. “I was holding her leg up, and snapping pictures! I was going to go Facebook Live, but the nurse cut me off!”

“[Dr. Locus] was a great sport about the whole situation, and took photos with our family,” Justin adds. He even swung by the next day and delivered a congratulations card. He signed it, “Dr. Joker.”

Some men just want to cut the umbilical cord.

Pixar’s Onward Trailer Showcases a Sentimental and Strange New Tale

Pixar has tackled a lot of strange stuff over the years. Toys that come to life when humans aren’t looking. An elderly widower who attaches balloons to his house and flies to South America. Cars that talk.

Like Disney, the animation studio is also no stranger to sentiment and grief. The Toy Story toys are stricken by their owner’s increasing maturity. Nemo is infused with the fear and sadness of loss. The first ten minutes of UP are legendarily tear-jerking. Even Cars has… okay, maybe not Cars.

Onward, Pixar’s latest movie, features the voice talents of Star Lord and Spider-man themselves, and while it looks like a fun, and funny, supernatural romp, it also looks weird as hell and sad AF.

Before we even get to the weird stuff, there’s weird stuff. Chris Pratt and Tom Holland voice brothers who appear to be elves, or trolls, who live in the modern world? Or something? And there’s magic, but not as much as there used to be? It’s a little confusing. Then we learn that the boys’ dad passed when the brothers were too young to remember him, and on the youngest’s 16th birthday, they get a gift from him: his wizard staff. Because apparently he was a wizard. And he left a spell too, that allows his kids to resurrect him, but only for a day.

This is where the sentiment comes in, because if Tom Holland’s delivery of “I’m gonna meet dad?” is any indication, this movie is gonna be dusty.

The boys set off to use the spell to conjure up their dad, but something goes awry. And this is where the weird comes in: they only manage to resurrect his legs. I told you it was weird!

The trailer shows the brothers on a quest to conjure the rest of their dad as they encounter a whole world of magic that they never knew existed. It’s like Weekend at Bernie’s crossed with Harry Potter.

Here’s the synopsis:

Two teenage elf brothers, Ian and Barley Lightfoot, go on a journey to discover if there is still a little magic left out there in order to spend one last day with their father, who died when they were too young to remember him.

And here’s the trailer!

World-Class Violinist Volunteers to Play Music for Shelter Dogs

(ASPCA)

Just because man’s best friend can’t read music, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy it.

Professional violinist Martin Agee has played in world-renowned concert halls during his career, from Carnegie Hall to the Sydney Opera House, but lately, he’s been spending his time entertaining an audience of the four-legged variety. Every few weeks, he brings his violin to American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals’ Adoption Center in New York City and the effect it has on the dogs is incredible.

“The instant the bow hits the string, you get a reaction like, ‘What just happened?’ It’s stunning to see,” he told the TODAY show.

Agee started volunteering at the ASPCA more than two-and-a-half years ago as a way to cope after losing his greyhound rescue, Melody. In light of the joy Melody brought into Agee’s life, he signed on as an adoption coordinator at his local shelter.

During his time, he became more and more interested in the ASPCA’s storytelling program, where volunteers would sit down and read to dogs as a way to help calm and facilitate rehabilitation for animals who had been abused.

(ASPCA)

“I almost jokingly said to some people, ‘Well, maybe I’ll play my violin for the dogs when I’m there,’” he recalled. “Little did I realize that that would become a reality.”

The reaction to the music was immediate and amazing. Energetic dogs settle down in order to listen. Shy dogs dare to wander closer to the front of their enclosures to see. It’s almost as if it brings these animals to a calm equilibrium.

“It’s really incredible to watch the impact his music has on the dogs and how quickly they respond,” Kris Lindsay, senior director at the ASPCA, told TODAY.

(ASPCA)

The only hard part is that Agee gets attached to many of the dogs through his music, making it harder to say goodbye when they finally get adopted, but he knows that finding new, loving homes is always the primary goal.

“And maybe there will be music there as well,” he said with a smile.

Gordon Ramsay Admits He Fainted During Son’s Birth

(Instagram/gordongram)

Beloved chef and professional rage monster Gordon Ramsay is officially a father again. Welcoming his fifth child, Oscar, into the family, the fiery-tempered Masterchef host admitted that this one wasn’t just another trip to the hospital. Yes, this potty-mouthed bad boy of the culinary world finally met his match when the sight of his newborn son actually caused him to faint.

“Tana didn’t want to see me there for previous births, she said ‘I don’t want you to see me in this state so get out.’ This time around, I was there and I absolutely shit my pants. I fainted. I literally dropped on the floor,” Ramsay recalled on the Jonathan Ross Show.

“I was sat there and Oscar popped out through the sunroof and then they sort of throw you on him and he’s screaming and I fell back, the nurse grabbed me.”

For a man so accustomed to screaming, you wouldn’t think hearing it from an infant would affect him so strongly.

Even the soothing soundtrack of Ed Sheeren in the background wasn’t enough to keep Ramsay calm and conscious.

“I put Ed on to calm everybody. I put Ed on then I blacked out, I fainted like an idiot. Have you ever been in the [operating] theatre where there is so much commotion, so much going on? And then bang. I’ve never fainted in my life, by the way, that was the first time.

 

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Lunch with my boys @_jackrams3y_ @oscarjramsay @prawnonthelawn #padstowharbour

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The hardass chef then confessed that he simply doesn’t have what it takes to deliver babies (besides the obvious reasons): “It’s scary, it’s full on also they are experts [the doctors] and I’m a control freak so I was like ‘Get me the hell out of here, please.'”

Ramsay miraculously survived the daring experience of watching someone else give birth though, and he’s finally kicking back and relaxing with his new, terrifying bundle of joy.

“He is six months, it’s extraordinary, also for the rest of the kids it’s just a welcome bundle of joy. And boy, does that take you back!”

Congrats, Chef. Just try and leave the pants-shitting to him from now on. Okay, big guy?

Just in Time For Spooktober, Family Basement Fills With Blood

(YouTube/WHO-HD)

Owning a home is a milestone. For many, it’s a lifelong dream. The American dream, some might say. I don’t know own one myself, and while I sometimes dream of it, there are things that give me pause. The constant maintenance seems like a hassle, and I’ve seen friends deal with troublesome repairs and renovations. When I hear about that stuff, the benefits of having a landlord to handle it all seems better than ever.

And then I read a story like this one, and I’m never more excited to be able to move apartments at will. Because if this happened to my home, my instinct would be to burn it to the ground!

The funny thing is, the family in the story was already preparing to sell their home. I imagine this incident will merely accelerate their timeline. It’s not like anyone is itching to stay in a house that occasionally fills up with blood.

That’s right, Nick Lestina and his wife and five children live in Bagley, Iowa, and the other day they opened the door to their basement and saw that the room was filled with blood. Somehow they are not several states away, but have instead been the subject of dozens of news stories. If it bleeds it leads, especially during Halloween season!

Thankfully, the source of the blood isn’t a pair of elevators that go down to the basement, or anything else Stephen King related, but a meat processing company that is next door to the Lestiva’s home and shares some pipes with the family. They’ve lived next door for ten years and never had an incident, but this time something went awry.

Lestiva reported it immediately and Iowa’s Department of Natural Resources confirmed that it was indeed animal blood, fat, and bones, which Dahl’s Meat Locker had been pouring down a floor drain that’s connected to the family’s pipes. Unfortunately, the business has not exactly been cooperating with its neighbors.

“They haven’t reached out at all. In fact, they haven’t taken any accountability for it,” Lestina told KTIV. “They say it’s not their fault and told me ‘good luck.’ If I want to do anything about it, it’s on my dime and my schedule.”

Yikes. Talk about a horror movie. Probably easier to just burn the place to the ground!

Watch the footage below, if you can stomach it!

Father Figures: Could Not Be Happier

“My wife and I spent the first 2.5 years of our marriage assuming that when we were ready we would be able to get pregnant without issue.

When we first started trying, tests and attempts came back discouraging time and time again. Finally after months of trying we were pregnant. We went to the doctor and they confirmed our prayers had been answered. Shortly after our appointment, our excitement was crushed. We woke up in the middle of the night knowing something was wrong. We went to the ER and found out we were having an ectopic pregnancy and lost our precious baby.

A couple months after that we suffered a miscarriage as well. Feeling completely dejected and beaten down we started losing hope.

We then went to an amazing reproductive endocrinologist to help with our journey. Fast forward about a year later, Ford Michael Dietrich was born and we could not be more in love. Being a dad is the best thing ever and I could not be happier.”

– Mike Dietrich

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.