These Creepy Theories Will Make You Question Your Favorite Kids’ Movies

Conspiracies makes kids movies scarier than ever

As anyone parent knows, children are creepy AF.

They sneak into your room in the middle of the night just to silently stare at you, willing you to wake up and let them get into your bed. Or else they scream bloody murder because a sticker is on the bottom of their foot.

Either way, they are walking heart attacks, and those are just the normal ones. What about the ones in movies? Not even horror movies, but kids’ movies. That’s right. Kids’ movies are twisted.

Screen Rant put together a little video that highlights the creepiest theories about the kids in some of your, and your own kids’, favorite movies. You’ll never look at them the same way again!

The video includes clear sociopaths like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone – the video posits that Home Alone is the origin story of Jigsaw, the sadistic killer from Saw who relies on baroque contraptions to murder his victims.

Fun theory, except have you seen Macaulay Culkin lately? He’s much scarier, and he’s real!

via GIPHY

The video somehow manages to make the Toy Story series even more existentially depressing, carries that over to Wall-E, and then delves into a theory that Nemo in Finding Nemo is actually dead, and is just a manifestation of his father’s grief, thus ensuring that the Pixar movies are this generation’s Faces of Death.

The theories are fun, but I’m not sure why we need to darken these children’s movies when there are already tons of terrifying children’s movies to watch! Like the third movie in the aforementioned Toy Story series. Toy Story 3 is like the Schindler’s List of children’s movies. I lost 10 pounds just watching it.

Back in the day, when we were kids, there was no shortage of terrifying flicks that were ostensibly for us but were, in reality, nightmare factories. When’s the last time you watched The Dark Crystal? How about Gremlins? I recently showed my kid Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and halfway through I started watching the door, expecting child services to burst in.

via GIPHY

Nowadays it’s mostly Disney and Pixar that have our kids by the balls, and harebrained theories from that video aside, most of them are pretty tame (especially if dead parents don’t faze you!) They have their fair share of death to keep things lively, but they’re a lot more touchy-feely. Even the Avengers movies lack a bit of an edge. Then again, the DC movies try to be nothing BUT edge and they’re terrible AF so I’m not entirely sure what I’m bitching about.

Keep doing what you’re doing, Hollywood! Tomorrow’s children are just going to pirate your stuff anyway.

ScreenTime: Kung Fu Panda Watch #1 Vs. Watch #183

ScreenTime is a recurring column where Matt McC reviews the movies and shows his daughter forces him to watch.

First impressions aren’t everything. Sometimes a movie’s inner beauty reveals itself only after a rewatch or two. To that end, here are two reviews of the Dreamworks Animated feature Kung Fu Panda, separated by six months and 182 viewings.

Kung Fu Panda Review: Watch #1, May 3, 2017

Kung Fu Panda is the story of Po, a young panda and kung fu fan voiced by Jack Black. After an accident causes him to be picked as the legendary Dragon Warrior, he has to leave his father’s noodle shop and train with kung fu legends The Furious Five in order to fulfill his destiny of defeating the evil tiger Tai Lung.

It’s a simple tale of overcoming adversity and learning to play to your strengths. It is told strongly with a concise script and competent direction. Much of the humor may be a little too slapstick for adults but excellent voice work from an all-star cast makes even the silliest gags land nicely. An okay film that kept my daughter entertained, but not substantial enough to be worth a rewatch.

Kung Fu Panda Review: Watch #183, November 2, 2017

Iconic New Yorker film critic Pauline Kael notoriously only ever watched movies once. As she once told famed author Francis Davis, “I’m astonished when I talk to really good critics, who… will see a film eight or ten or twelve times. I don’t see how they can do it without hating the movie.”

Those critics, however, would surely argue that the artistry of a great film cannot be appreciated in a single viewing, that in order to fully appreciate such a film, one must devote themselves to it, to learn to live and to breathe it. This is why I watch 2008’s Kung Fu Panda every single night of the week.

Kung Fu Panda
Credit: YouTube

Every evening, entirely of my own volition, without anyone prompting me or screaming “PAAAADDDAAAAAA” so loudly the neighbors call animal control, I sit down with a select audience and a bowl of dry cheerios to enjoy one of the decade’s foremost animated Jack Black performances.

The Profundity Of Small Moments

Kael, sadly, did not live to witness this stirring tale of the rotund panda who, against all odds, became a kung fu legend. If she had, she would no doubt have been entranced by Po’s antics, and swept up in the grand arc of his story. She may even have had time to appreciate the aesthetic beauty of shots such as this one, during Tai Lung’s thrilling escape.

Kung Fu Panda
Credit: YouTube

But she would not, in a single viewing, have been able to appreciate the transcendental hilarity of this scene, in which Po smashes his face against a wall. A scene which has never failed to produce peals of laughter from the audience at every single one of my nightly screenings.

Kung Fu Panda
Credit: YouTube

Kael’s viewing may have allowed her to appreciate the subtle thematic foreshadowing in this transition, where Tai Lung’s shadow briefly darkens the entirety of the Valley of Peace before fading into memory.

Kung Fu Panda
Credit: YouTube

But it is only after multiple viewings that one begins to understand what it is that compels audiences world-wide, upon seeing this flashback of an infant Tai Lung training with his new master, to yell, “BABY LION, DADDY! SEE? SEE?”

Kung Fu Panda
Credit: YouTube

A Reverie of Obsession

It is not surprising that “Padda” rewards such dedication: it is a film about dedication, about obsession, about loving something so much it’s all you think and dream about. When Po yells “I love Kung Fuuuuuuuu,” it comes after a montage depicting the lengths to which he’ll go for a glimpse of his obsession. When we yell it along with him, it comes after what feels like a lifetime of staring at the object of ours.

Kung Fu Panda
Credit: YouTube

It is thus extremely fitting that a movie that opens with the lushly-rendered dream of an infatuated fan should inspire such love that fans of all ages begin their day by screaming, “WATCH PADDA. WATCH PADDA NOW!!!” before they’ve even fully opened their eyes.

Kung Fu Panda
Credit: YouTube

A Life of Love

Some may be content to experience Kung Fu Panda fleetingly, to watch once, then move on. But true joy can be found in a deeper experience, in immersing yourself in “Padda” day after day, even when you don’t want to, even when you’re exhausted, or pissed off, or bored out of your damn mind. Profound insights come when you dedicate your life to something, and rededicate yourself to it every single day. After all, isn’t that what love is?

Kung Fu Panda
Credit: YouTube

‘Police Academy’ Star Michael Winslow Makes Comeback After Raising His Kids Solo

No matter how much you plan and prepare, having kids is a constantly-changing and unpredictable experience. Our lives look a lot different than we ever could have anticipated, and for some, life’s curveballs forced us to put important things on hold. “Police Academy” actor Michael Winslow stepped away from his career after the death of his wife, dedicating himself to raising his kids as a single father. But now that his kids are grown, Winslow is making a triumphant return.

Michael Winslow refers to himself as a “voicetramentalist,” but it’s difficult to properly describe the range of his skillset. Winslow stunned viewers with his unique talent, appearing in over 25 movies and TV shows in the 80s alone. Michael Winslow can make sounds – seemingly any sound, using his mouth and probably some sort of magic.

After his first wife Belinda Church passed away, Winslow’s life did a 180. Rather than building upon his massive success as an actor and comedian, Winslow focused on fatherhood. On a recent episode of America’s Got Talent, Winslow returned to the spotlight in front of millions of viewers around the world, stunning a whole new generation with his carefully crafted skill.

Simon Cowell, one of the show’s four judges, recognized Winslow immediately. Expectations were high, given that Cowell knew what “The Man of 10,000 Sound Effects” was capable of several decades ago. Even so, Winslow blew the judges and audience out of the water with his unique and mind-blowing performance.

Winslow combined storytelling, comedy, and the talent that sets him apart from the countless other comedians auditioning for AGT. Beginning with a story about his childhood, Winslow shifts seamlessly into other captivating topics. He brings stories to life with his sound effects, and by the end, a good portion of the audience was staring in open-mouthed awe. Winslow received a well-deserved standing ovation and four resounding yeses from the judges.

“My life has changed again for the better, and I’ve gotten another blessing,” Winslow told Terry Crews after his flawless performance. “America’s Got Talent is the place for me to show I still have something to offer. I’ve still got some sounds to make, and there’s still room for a little more.”

“It’s Surreal,” Tony Hawk Reflects on Olympic Skating, Tests Out Tokyo Skatepark

Skateboarding made its official debut as an Olympic sport, marking an important turning point for skaters around the world. Few people have been as instrumental in the evolution and popularization of the sport over the years as Tony Hawk – so naturally, the legend himself made an appearance at the Olympic games.

Over the past several years, Hawk has vocalized his need to slow down. Though he’s maintained his intense passion for the sport, skating took an increasingly noticeable toll on his body. Regardless of his ability (or willingness) to compete, Tony Hawk wanted to ensure he was there to celebrate the massive milestone in skateboarding history – recognition of the sport that may not have happened without him.

Tony Hawk attended the monumental event as a commentator for NBC, putting his extensive knowledge of skating to the best possible use. He wasn’t there to skate, but he’s Tony freaking Hawk. Skating is in his blood. Obviously, he had to test out the first-ever Olympic skate course at Ariake Urban Sports Park.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Tony Hawk (@tonyhawk)

“As a kid that was mostly lambasted for my interest in skateboarding, I never imagined it would be part of the Olympic Games,” Hawk marveled in an Instagram post.

“It’s surreal to now be in Tokyo bearing witness to this milestone in the most unprecedented circumstances. I know in the end it will help to grow skateboarding’s profile internationally, exposing our passion to an audience that has never seen it before or simply refused to embrace it.”

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Tony Hawk (@tonyhawk)

The skating legend reflected on the importance of the event, the fact that kids watching at home could very well be the next generation of skaters. The legitimization of skateboarding as a sport has been a long and arduous process. But much like the validation athletes feel after qualifying for the Olympics, the inclusion of skating in the 2020 Olympic Games validated the sport as a whole.

“I predict it will be one of the highlights from all of the Olympic Games coverage this year,” Hawk concluded, “and I’m here for it.”

A 13-Yr-Old Skateboarder Made Olympic History With Her Gold Medal Performance

A 13-year-old girl became the first female Olympic gold medalist in skateboarding and, in the process, became one of the youngest gold medalists in Olympic history. Skateboarding was officially added to the list of games this year, which is very cool, and is a true testament to Olympic skateboarding analyst, Tony Hawk.

Momiji Nishiya, a Japanese native who reportedly loves rocking the baggie jeans and t-shirts that many skateboarders sport, dominated the competition and bested the rest of the world’s best skateboarders. Nishiya just came to skate, and she crushed it.

The silver medal went to ANOTHER teenager, this one from Brazil.

“I didn’t think I could win, but everyone around me cheered me on so I’m glad I was able to find my groove,” Nishiya said after winning. She beat out the reigning world champ and several other favorites, and in doing so she became Japan’s youngest-ever gold medalist. Very cool.

In fact, Nishiya almost became the youngest gold medalist ever, but she’ll have to settle for silver in that category. She is a little more than two months older than American diver Marjorie Gestring was when she took home a gold medal in the 1936 Olympic games in Berlin.

It’s pretty cool to watch a teenager on the world stage make history in her sport, and history in the Olympics period. It was an awesome debut for the sport growing in popularity, and hopefully, it will be cemented in future editions of the Olympic games.

Netflix Is Developing a Live-Action Pokemon Series

Fans of Pokemon & Detective Pikachu, it looks like we’re getting even more live-action shenanigans featuring the popular pocket monsters.

As reported by Variety, a new live-action Pokemon series is in development at Netflix.  Unfortunately, it’s all still in the very early stages of development as no plot details or casting plans have been revealed, but it’s happening.  Joe Henderson, who is co-showrunner and executive producer on Netflix’s ‘Lucifer’ series, is attached to write and executive produce.  Kind of a strange pairing when you think about it, but considering Henderson was able to keep Lucifer going for so long on Netflix after it was canceled by FOX, he has to be a solid choice.

Sources have also mentioned that the project will try to replicate the look and feel of Detective Pikachu.  Who knows if it’ll take place in the same universe as the film, but I was actually really impressed with Detective Pikachu.  The whole family and I loved it and I thought it captured the essence of Pokemon.  Also, Ryan Reynold‘s voicing Pikachu is just too good not to love.

While Detective Pikachu was great, it did feel restricted with its story and locations.  Hopefully, this Netflix series will focus more on the journey like the games do.  You know, traveling to different cities to battle Gym Leaders, all that fun stuff.  There’s a lot of potential here to do something really awesome and epic, so I’m definitely keeping my fingers crossed that they can pull this one off.

“Still Got It,” Orlando Bloom Flexes Archery Skills 20 Years After LOTR

Sometimes, you learn a skill for a job and you throw it on your resume for life, even if you’ve completely forgotten how to use it. That’s decidedly not the case for “Lord of the Rings” actor Orlando Bloom, as he recently took to Instagram to flex the archery skills he picked up when playing Middle Earth’s Legolas nearly 20 years ago.

He shared a video of him calmly firing arrows directly at a target and captioned the vid “still got it,” referencing his skill with the bow when it came to helping Frodo and Co. on their journey. It was one of his first major roles as the Lord of the Ring movies became MONSTER hits, well ahead of their time when it comes to expensive fantasy movies.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Orlando Bloom (@orlandobloom)

The first movie in the series, “The Fellowship of the Ring” debuted two decades ago. Bloom was just a kid (ok, young adult) and now he’s a dad (he’s got a 10-year-old and a 10-month-old). But he’s the type of dad that’s not above trotting out heirlooms from his glory days. Him picking up a bow and nailing a target isn’t that different from a dad dusting off his high school baseball regional championship medal before a game of catch in the yard.

It’s one of the quintessential dad questions; do we still got it? That thing we were effortlessly good at in our 20s, is there still a part of that person inside us? And the answer, always, is yes. Of course, we can still go hard on the pickup basketball court (OK, maybe it hurts longer the next morning). Of course, we can throw a perfect spiral 30 yards down the field. And of course, we can pick up a bow and pretend we’re slaying Orcs.

LeVar Burton Begins His Dream Job as Jeopardy Guest Host

The moment all “Jeopardy!” fans have been waiting for is finally here! Yes, LeVar Burton begins his stint as the guest host, and you can literally take his word for it. It took a massive fan campaign, Dick Van Dyke advocating for him, and even Ryan Reynolds, but we finally have the people’s host where he belongs. And some are hoping he’ll be a permanent fixture.

LeVar Burton is the guest host of Jeopardy for the final week of July and he said after 45 years in the entertainment business, the team he worked with at Jeopardy is the ‘very best.’ He also said his favorite part was meeting the contestants and just marveling at how good they were at the game. And admitted he was nervous about his shot behind the podium.

“I was more than nervous, I was absolutely petrified,” Burton said. “And I don’t know that that feeling ever went away.”

As a thank you for his hosting work, Jeopardy is making a donation to his charity of choice, and for Burton, that’s Reading is Fundamental, championing children’s literacy.

“They provide thousands of books to children every year and in most instances, these kids are getting their own books for the very first time,” LeVar said. “The amount of money that we raise here on the show is going to make a huge difference in the life of many, many kids.”

The Reading Rainbow and Star Trek star finally got the chance tens of thousands have been clamoring for, and Burton said he could not let the opportunity pass by.

“I have been a fan of Jeopardy all of my life,” he said. And for the people who have been fans of Burton all their lives, this is the week they’ve been waiting for, as the internet campaign bears fruit starting this week. The host with the Mister Rogers vibe who’s dedicated himself to making kids excited about reading could be the perfect permanent host, but for now, fans get a full week to see what that world would look like.

We Finally Have a Trailer and Premier Date for “Dexter: New Blood”

Thanks to a panel at Comic-Con this weekend, Showtime has given us the first full trailer for the “Dexter” revival Yup, we finally get a more comprehensive look at the new life for our rebooted vigilante. Not only did we get a trailer, but we also got an official premiere date, as “Dexter: New Blood” (awesome name) hits Showtime on November 7th.

The 10-episode revival has already made huge news by bringing back one of its best villains, John Lithgow, albeit in a brief role. They’re also bringing back another dead fan fav in Debra, so we’ll have at least a few familiar faces as Dexter starts a new life in a new town.

Dexter, aka “Jim Lindsay” is now a sales associate at Fred’s Fish & Game. It seems like he’s trying to move on from his past, but this would be a pretty boring show if he had it all figured out and he’s just living a completely normal life in a small town. Oh no, the old Dexter is still in there, and you can see him in Jim’s eyes anytime there’s a knife in the frame.

“I kinda have a thing about blood,” he tells an annoying customer, telling him way more than the man could ever understand. The trailer is all about trying to move on from the past, and how you can hide it, but you can’t run from it. In other words, Dexter gonna Dexter, as we can deduce from the scenes of him hanging around a crime scene, playing with knives, and the way he looks at a blood trail in the snow.

Here’s the thing; this show is going to be good. I know a lot of fans are hesitant to believe that, given how things trailed off in later seasons and obviously at the terrible ending. But that’s the whole reason the revival even exists, to leave fans with a better memory of the character and show. The people who made the show great in the first few seasons are back, and even star Michael C. Hall said making up for the finale was part of why this is happening.

“The chance to revisit it and, in the process, redefine the sense of the show’s ending and the sense of the show’s legacy was certainly part of our motivation,” he said in his Comic-Con panel.

The first of the 10 new episodes drops November 7th, and we’ll see how Jim Lindsay becomes Dexter again in a small town in upstate New York.

‘The Munsters’ Are Coming Back…Rob Zombie Style?

The Munsters are not who first come to mind when imagining the super intense world of Rob Zombie movies. Hell, comedy itself isn’t really the guy’s “thing.” But, when you break it down, Zombie’s movies always seem to center around the concept of family. His iconic House of a Thousand Corpses franchise and Halloween remakes both have something to say about the bonds of blood (Get it? Cause it’s spooky?) Perhaps as far as frightfully fun new takes go, pairing the most over-the-top filmmaker and the most innocent sitcom characters could be interesting.

If you’re not familiar: The Munsters were horror-adjacent oddballs from a primetime 60s sitcom, similiar to The Addams Family, But while Gomez and Morticia were advocates for being creepy and kooky, the Munsters just wanted to fit in. The humor came from how bad they were at doing so. It’ll be interesting to see what the least-conforming guy in horror will do with characters as wholesome as Herman Munster, a big Frankenstein with a penchant for dad jokes. Fortunately, Zombie has shared a ton of pre-production glimpses on his Instagram, including set and costume designs and makeup tests.

The director previously shared news of his adaptation with an ecstatic announcement, calling it his dream project:

“Attention Boils and Ghouls! The rumors are true! My next film project will be the one I’ve been chasing for 20 years! THE MUNSTERS! Stay tuned for exciting details as things progress!”

It may not make the most sense. But it’s sure to be a ghoulishly good time.