These Creepy Theories Will Make You Question Your Favorite Kids’ Movies

(Youtube/ScreenRant)

Conspiracies makes kids movies scarier than ever

As anyone parent knows, children are creepy AF.

They sneak into your room in the middle of the night just to silently stare at you, willing you to wake up and let them get into your bed. Or else they scream bloody murder because a sticker is on the bottom of their foot.

Either way, they are walking heart attacks, and those are just the normal ones. What about the ones in movies? Not even horror movies, but kids’ movies. That’s right. Kids’ movies are twisted.

Screen Rant put together a little video that highlights the creepiest theories about the kids in some of your, and your own kids’, favorite movies. You’ll never look at them the same way again!

The video includes clear sociopaths like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone – the video posits that Home Alone is the origin story of Jigsaw, the sadistic killer from Saw who relies on baroque contraptions to murder his victims.

Fun theory, except have you seen Macaulay Culkin lately? He’s much scarier, and he’s real!


via GIPHY

The video somehow manages to make the Toy Story series even more existentially depressing, carries that over to Wall-E, and then delves into a theory that Nemo in Finding Nemo is actually dead, and is just a manifestation of his father’s grief, thus ensuring that the Pixar movies are this generation’s Faces of Death.

The theories are fun, but I’m not sure why we need to darken these children’s movies when there are already tons of terrifying children’s movies to watch! Like the third movie in the aforementioned Toy Story series. Toy Story 3 is like the Schindler’s List of children’s movies. I lost 10 pounds just watching it.

Back in the day, when we were kids, there was no shortage of terrifying flicks that were ostensibly for us but were, in reality, nightmare factories. When’s the last time you watched The Dark Crystal? How about Gremlins? I recently showed my kid Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and halfway through I started watching the door, expecting child services to burst in.


via GIPHY

Nowadays it’s mostly Disney and Pixar that have our kids by the balls, and harebrained theories from that video aside, most of them are pretty tame (especially if dead parents don’t faze you!) They have their fair share of death to keep things lively, but they’re a lot more touchy-feely. Even the Avengers movies lack a bit of an edge. Then again, the DC movies try to be nothing BUT edge and they’re terrible AF so I’m not entirely sure what I’m bitching about.

Keep doing what you’re doing, Hollywood! Tomorrow’s children are just going to pirate your stuff anyway.

ScreenTime: Kung Fu Panda Watch #1 Vs. Watch #183

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

ScreenTime is a recurring column where Matt McC reviews the movies and shows his daughter forces him to watch.

First impressions aren’t everything. Sometimes a movie’s inner beauty reveals itself only after a rewatch or two. To that end, here are two reviews of the Dreamworks Animated feature Kung Fu Panda, separated by six months and 182 viewings.

Kung Fu Panda Review: Watch #1, May 3, 2017

Kung Fu Panda is the story of Po, a young panda and kung fu fan voiced by Jack Black. After an accident causes him to be picked as the legendary Dragon Warrior, he has to leave his father’s noodle shop and train with kung fu legends The Furious Five in order to fulfill his destiny of defeating the evil tiger Tai Lung.

It’s a simple tale of overcoming adversity and learning to play to your strengths. It is told strongly with a concise script and competent direction. Much of the humor may be a little too slapstick for adults but excellent voice work from an all-star cast makes even the silliest gags land nicely. An okay film that kept my daughter entertained, but not substantial enough to be worth a rewatch.

Kung Fu Panda Review: Watch #183, November 2, 2017

Iconic New Yorker film critic Pauline Kael notoriously only ever watched movies once. As she once told famed author Francis Davis, “I’m astonished when I talk to really good critics, who… will see a film eight or ten or twelve times. I don’t see how they can do it without hating the movie.”

Those critics, however, would surely argue that the artistry of a great film cannot be appreciated in a single viewing, that in order to fully appreciate such a film, one must devote themselves to it, to learn to live and to breathe it. This is why I watch 2008’s Kung Fu Panda every single night of the week.

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

Every evening, entirely of my own volition, without anyone prompting me or screaming “PAAAADDDAAAAAA” so loudly the neighbors call animal control, I sit down with a select audience and a bowl of dry cheerios to enjoy one of the decade’s foremost animated Jack Black performances.

The Profundity Of Small Moments

Kael, sadly, did not live to witness this stirring tale of the rotund panda who, against all odds, became a kung fu legend. If she had, she would no doubt have been entranced by Po’s antics, and swept up in the grand arc of his story. She may even have had time to appreciate the aesthetic beauty of shots such as this one, during Tai Lung’s thrilling escape.

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

But she would not, in a single viewing, have been able to appreciate the transcendental hilarity of this scene, in which Po smashes his face against a wall. A scene which has never failed to produce peals of laughter from the audience at every single one of my nightly screenings.

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

Kael’s viewing may have allowed her to appreciate the subtle thematic foreshadowing in this transition, where Tai Lung’s shadow briefly darkens the entirety of the Valley of Peace before fading into memory.

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

But it is only after multiple viewings that one begins to understand what it is that compels audiences world-wide, upon seeing this flashback of an infant Tai Lung training with his new master, to yell, “BABY LION, DADDY! SEE? SEE?”

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

A Reverie of Obsession


It is not surprising that “Padda” rewards such dedication: it is a film about dedication, about obsession, about loving something so much it’s all you think and dream about. When Po yells “I love Kung Fuuuuuuuu,” it comes after a montage depicting the lengths to which he’ll go for a glimpse of his obsession. When we yell it along with him, it comes after what feels like a lifetime of staring at the object of ours.

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

It is thus extremely fitting that a movie that opens with the lushly-rendered dream of an infatuated fan should inspire such love that fans of all ages begin their day by screaming, “WATCH PADDA. WATCH PADDA NOW!!!” before they’ve even fully opened their eyes.

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

A Life of Love

Some may be content to experience Kung Fu Panda fleetingly, to watch once, then move on. But true joy can be found in a deeper experience, in immersing yourself in “Padda” day after day, even when you don’t want to, even when you’re exhausted, or pissed off, or bored out of your damn mind. Profound insights come when you dedicate your life to something, and rededicate yourself to it every single day. After all, isn’t that what love is?

Kung Fu Panda
(YouTube)

Oregon Girl Hosts Carwash Fundraiser for Dad’s New Prosthetic Leg

Summer and Doug Bell
(Facebook/Echo Marie Bell KEZI 9 ABC News)

Summer Bell isn’t spending her summer just sitting around. The Creswell, Oregon girl is on a mission to raise money for a cause that’s near and dear to her heart.

Summer’s dad, Doug Bell, has had health difficulties since early childhood. According to the family, Doug has struggled with diabetes for many years — his kidneys failing back in 2017. Most recently, he was hospitalized due to a serious infection that cost him the bottom portion of his leg. Since being released, Doug has been unable to walk on his own and will now need a robotic prosthesis. The cost of a prosthetic leg ranges widely depending on several circumstances, but many can run $5,000-$15,000 or more. It’s a cost that would exceed the means of many families, but Summer isn’t wasting any time by waiting around.

Summer’s mom, Echo, has five other children to care for and is currently working two jobs herself, so the enterprising little lady decided to pitch-in by holding a community car wash in her hometown. Point S Tire & Auto Service agreed to host the event, which is now scheduled to take place this weekend.

Echo posted her daughter’s handmade sign in a Facebook post, sharing details of the event as well as her sentiments on the gesture. “I’m so proud of her. She’s such a caring little human,” adding “how did we get so lucky?”

In addition to the car wash, Summer and her mom have set up a GoFundMe page to help raise enough to eventually get Doug moving once again. A link to the page can be found here.

Would You Have Believed Any of These Fake Nintendo Facts?

#FakeNintendoFacts
(Twitter/swhammerhead)

In the early days of video gaming, rumors about hidden secrets and glitches were rampant. Seemingly every day, some kid on the playground would tout his knowledge about how to attain the rarest of items or beat a certain difficult boss in one hit. Of course, since the introduction of the internet, current rumors can quickly be debunked with a couple of taps on a smartphone.

But there was something special about these alternative game facts. They caused us to question the scope and possibilities a single game could provide, making these simple virtual worlds seem more complex, vibrant, and mysterious.

Thanks to @HashtagRoundup, folks over on Twitter have been reminiscing about this golden era with the hashtag #FakeNintendoFacts and while some of them are just plain ridiculous, others have the exact same flavor of the rumors we heard on the playground. Would you have fallen for any of these?

Take a look at the entire collection of tweets by clicking #FakeNintendoFacts.

Father Figures: My Motivation

“I had a lot of preconceived notions about what type of type of dad I thought I’d be if I were ever to have a son, all those notions went right out the window the second you opened your eyes at me for the first time.

Everything I thought I knew and would be a professional at as a dad gave way to the emotion and pure joy I felt just watching you do even the smallest of things in life .

I used to say one day my son is going to be a football player like I was and score a bunch of touchdowns, he’s going to be tough and relentless and make me so proud. Looking back now as the father I am today, I finally get the silliness of that old cliche. The reality is my son makes me proud by finishing his juice box, sharing with his friends, being polite to a waitress or simply tying his shoes correctly.

I understand now that regardless of what this little man chooses to do in life, whether it’s playing a flute or winning the world’s strongest man competition someday, I’m going to be right there in the front row overflowing with pride and happiness for my boy.

As a father I get it now, more focus on raising young men of value and love is needed more than ever in today’s world and my son is 100% joining those ranks. Accolades and trophies come and go, but kindness, compassion, and a good heart will stay with him forever. Embrace this world with an open heart and a thirst for adventure my son, never stop dreaming, and thank you for making me feel like the luckiest man alive each and every day.

Watching you grow and learn and enjoy life the way you do has been nothing short of amazing and I’ve already learned more by raising you in 8 short years then I did my entire previous 30. You are my motivation and reason for everything in life and without you I wouldn’t be even half the man I am today.”

– Adam Gauthier

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Check out the previous editions of Father Figures here.

Teen Allegedly Tweets From Smart Fridge After Devices Get Confiscated

Teen Allegedly Tweets From Fridge
(Twitter/thankunext327 LG)

Raising a teenager is universally understood to be the hardest part of parenting, for good reason. Babies change your lives and disrupt your sleep, toddlers are chaos machines, elementary school kids are challenging but at least they’re still cute.

Teenagers are independent and rebellious, smart and self-conscious, lazy and sarcastic, and they know everything! (Insert sarcasm font.) Every kid is different, of course, but as your kids get older and more fully-formed, keeping a handle on them gets harder and harder. Especially when they’re so damn resourceful!

Never has then been more apparent than in the case of a Twitter account named Dorothy, @thankunext327, an Ariana Grande stan who recently found herself in conflict with her mother. Dorothy is 15 years old, and apparently, like many 15-year-olds these days, is quite reliant on her phone and social media. So much so that when her mother confiscated her phone and other electronics, she couldn’t let that stand. She needed to tweet!

First, her mother took her phone.


Then, after realizing her clever teen was also able to tweet from her Nintendo DS, she took that away too.


Then she used her Wii because this teen can’t stop won’t stop tweeting.


The teen’s saga went viral, with the hashtag #FreeDorothy cementing her status as a legend…

…and that was before she found yet one more way to manipulate 2019 technology to get what she wanted after her mom took everything away again. Her smart fridge.

At this point, you almost expect her mom to reply with a gif of Ron Burgundy telling his dog he’s not even mad, just disappointed. Except, despite LG – the maker of her fridge – confirming to the Guardian that some of their models have social media capabilities, the teen’s story was starting to seem fishy.

The paper consulted Igor Brigadir, a computer researcher at University College Dublin, who combed through metadata and confirmed that while the Nintendo tweets were legit, the fridge tweet was not. “The LG fridge was definitely manually created,” he said.

Also manually created? The thousands of new followers Dorothy’s Twitter account gained over the course of her viral escapade. Whether she actually tweeted from her fridge or not, she definitely got the attention she was looking for!

Pitcher Strikes out Friend and Skips Celebration to Console Him

Koehn Consoles Kocon After Strike Out
(Twitter/Cut4)

As kids get older, sporting events seem to get more and more intense. With such fierce competition driving passions higher and higher, sportsmanship can often be the first casualty. Fortunately, this isn’t’ always the case though, as two high school baseball players in Minnesota exemplified after the climax of their game.

Not exactly a nail-biter, Mounds View led Totino-Grace, 17-10, in a matchup that would decide who would participate in the upcoming state championship. With two outs, Totino-Grace’s Jack Kocon walked to the plate hoping to make something happen in his team’s final moments.

Here are a couple of different views of the play:


With a pitch-perfect outside corner fastball, Koehn knocked out both Kocon and his team from contention. Hearing the call, Kocon began a defeated walk back to the dugout when Koehn whizzed passed his celebrating catcher to embrace his opponent and friend.

It’s something you don’t see every day, but Koehn and Kocon have a history when it comes to baseball. Apparently, the two grew up playing together in the Shoreview Area Baseball League and have maintained a close relationship ever since.

“I knew the game was going to keep going or it was going to end right there,” Koehn told sports website ‘Bring Me The News’. “I knew I had to say something. Our friendship is more important than just the silly outcome of a game. I had to make sure he knew that before we celebrated. It was more instinct, it just felt right.”

These boys perfectly exemplified what parents and coaches talk about when they emphasize sportsmanship, and even though one of their seasons ended that night, just about everyone is clamoring for more of what they both showed on that field.

The 10 Best Comments of the Week 8/18

Best Comments of the Week

Every week we pan for comedy gold in the comments section of our Facebook posts. If your comment cracks us up (or warms our hearts) we’ll showcase it here!

Here’s this week’s roundup of the 10 Best Comments of the Week:

1. Personal Growth

2. Back to Fooled

3. Toto-ally

4. New Me

5. Cold

6. Stacked

7. RIP RW

8. Leg Day

9. Naptime is a Pain

10. Trained

Check out the previous edition of The Best Comments of the Week here.

Flight Becomes Private Jet for Lucky Passenger but It Never Takes Off

Vincent Peone's Private Jet Experience
(Twitter/vincentpeone)

Flying can be a chore. No one is exactly sure how early you have to get to their airport anymore, so you either arrive three hours before your flight with nothing to do but wander around an overpriced mall, or you arrive 20 minutes before your flight and have to sprint through security like you’re in a John Hughes movie.

Throw kids or connections into the mix, and it can be hell. The one small joy you hold onto is that no one will sit in the seat next to you, and you can have a reasonable amount of space, a far upgrade from being forced to fit into a seat built for a skeleton. One man got to live the most extreme version of that in a Delta flight last week, as there was no one else seated in his row. Or the row in front of him. Or any of the rows, actually, as he was THE ONLY PASSENGER ON THE PLANE.

The short flight from Aspen to Salt Lake City was rescheduled and, amazingly, New York-based director Vincent Peone was the only passenger. The Delta staff had to pile on sandbags just to help even out the weight.

It’s rare to hear a great flying story these days, and this is right up there. The Delta staff still went through all the motions and announcements for their one passenger, and he thoroughly enjoyed the private plane experience he lucked into.

“It was an altogether very fun experience with a couple of tequila sodas involved when I finally sat down,” he told the Washington Post.

A flight attendant told Peone the airline probably spent $30,000 just to send him to Salt Lake City. Hearing stories like this is important because it’s nice to know it can randomly happen. It’s important to have this aspiration every time you go through security, even if your hopes get viciously dashed the second you get to the gate of your oversold flight.

And then there was a sad update to this story, the plane had mechanical problems and it never took flight: