Thanksgiving dinner– that wonderful meal when we gather around the table with friends and family to give thanks for our blessings and then force a complete amateur to demonstrate his knife skills while everyone openly judges. If you drew the short straw this year and are dreading carving your turkey, the best thing to do is keep calm and take inspiration from the coolest of all dudes- the dads of stock photos.
1. Go ahead, carve your turkey. There definitely isn’t someone standing outside your window watching you.
2. No pressure, but you should probably serve your wife first or she will kill you.
3. Remember to bring a knife, just in case carving a turkey with your mind doesn’t work.
4. Don’t worry, it’s only your child’s respect that hangs in the balance.
5. On second thought, forget about them, those kids stopped respecting you long ago.
6. If things start going south think back to that one Thanksgiving in college when everyone was just stoked there was turkey at all. “You guys, you guys, Tom made a fucking turkey! Turn up the Dave Matthews Band!”
7. Try not to think about how your wife can carve a turkey with a toddler on her hip.
8. To distract from poor knife skills, go for the huge laugh by asking everyone at the table, “Breast or Thigh?”
9. Buy a precut turkey breast to serve. Everyone knows whole cooked turkeys are just for staged photos and Instagram likes.
10. Finally, whatever you do…
DIRECTLY AT THE TURKEY.