5 Weird Reasons Children Explode And Ruin Everything

(Getty/Tim Graham/Contributor)

We all know that as parents, WE’RE supposed to be the ones in control. We may have even had the audacity to pass judgment on parents whose kids we witnessed having meltdowns BEFORE we were parents ourselves. IMAGINE. Once we have children of our own, we quickly realize that, occasionally, the little bundle of joy whom you love more than life itself is going to explode like a weapon of mass destruction.

This isn’t saying our kids are bad or that we’re inadequate parents, but being able to navigate the delicate mine fields that are our kids’ moods paired with outside forces you know, and forces you don’t, is virtually impossible. And like it or not, we can all say that we’ve been in the unfortunate position of standing over that stick of dynamite watching the seconds tick back from 10 to 0.

Here are just five of the weird reasons children explode and ruin everything:

(Getty/Jamie Grill/Tetra Images)

“You Got Him Something And Not Me!?” – GOD FORBID your son behaves for 18 minutes at the grocery store and you reward him with a $2 Hot Wheels car. Your daughter will pull out an Excel spreadsheet and a Powerpoint presentation with a full account of every item you’ve purchased for him AND NOT HER in the past 7 years. Always be prepared with a detailed list of the times SHE got something and her brother didn’t. Maybe keep your receipts on hand just in case.

(Getty/RubberBall Productions)

“I Said I Wanted Waffles Not Cereal!” – If your child has never done this, I’d love for you to come to my house so I can shake your hand because my kids pull this one on me regularly. I ask what they want for breakfast and when I bring them what they request, they insist that they asked for something else, as if I suddenly passed through a wormhole into another beakfast dimension where they don’t eat the same exact damn thing EVERY MORNING! In this case, you say, “Eat it or starve” and the situation seems to resolve itself.

(Getty/JGI/Jamie Grill)

“I Hate That Article Of Clothing That I Demanded You Buy For Me At The Kohl’s Checkout!” – Oh, you had your shit together and went out ahead of time to buy your daughter a new dress for her winter concert at school? WELL GUESS WHAT, when it’s time for her to put that dress on 8 minutes before you have to leave for said concert, NOT ONLY will she insist that it fits like OJ’s glove, she’ll also reveal that SHE HATES IT AND NO, SHE WAS NOT THE ONE WHO BEGGED FOR YOU TO BUY IT FOR HER. THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE’S KID. Oh, and also, she never gets anything she wants either, so great job, Parent.

Socks and The Bus Stop – a memoir by Katey Johnson – Before I had kids, I thought socks were a civil invention by kind-hearted innovators who aimed to keep the toes of every man, woman and child warm. BUT OH NO, NO, that’s NOT the case at my house. Socks are the equivalent of little cotton piranhas in my house, especially when we have to be at the bus stop in 3 and a half minutes. My son screams like a howler monkey when it’s time to put his socks on and I usually pull up to the bus stop on two wheels like Bo and Luke Duke in the General Lee.

(Getty/Westend61)

Bedtime? Never Heard Of It. – Ah, that blessed time of day when your cherubs return to their beds and succumb peacefully to slumber. YEA RIGHT. NOT IN THIS FRIGGIN’ LIFETIME. When I tell my kids it’s time for bed they act like I’m speaking Swahili and even when I translate my English to a louder version of English, they’re still unable to process the concept as if they’ve never gone to bed a night in their lives. Like you’ve been raising them in an Acid House Rave circa 1993. No one goes to bed until you can produce every piece of published documentation on the internet and in the public library that says children need more than 3 hours of sleep in order to keep people from calling CPS on you.

Whether it’s a toddler or a tween, we’ve all been there. Our kids can have us sweating bombs like Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker in a moments notice. Experience is key, but the next best offense is to be prepared and stay alert so that we can combat every potential detonation they come at us with. May the odds be ever in our favor.

 

Pee-Wee Football Player Gets Pumped Up on the Sidelines

Jim Gaffigan Has Something to Say About Beer

(Getty/master1305/Tom Briglia)

A general rule of thumb when making small talk: Don’t talk about religion, politics, or beer preferences.

All three are bound to erupt into heated debates. In the dad community beer in particular tends to be an extremely touchy subject. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what makes a beer amazing or downright sacrilegious, and comedian Jim Gaffigan is no different.

You’re either in full agreement with Jim’s purist perspective or cracking your knuckles to write a scathing comment touting your superior craft beer palate.

But that’s the great thing about beer, nay… America. We all have individual tastes. Just because some guy doesn’t share your affinity for a specific brew, that doesn’t mean he’s wrong (even though he is!) It just means you get to connect with someone with a differing perspective, while drinking beer!

So, if you see Jim in a bar, don’t make fun of him for his taste in beer. Instead, buy him a round, and make fun of his age – like an adult.

Cheers, Jim!

Back To School Photo Fails

(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)

Parents love to capture the moment on the first day back to school, but sometimes that moment isn’t what we envisioned. Check out these hilarious back to school photo fails from The Dad community.

(Instagram.com/cheeksmagee)
(Facebook.com/KellySmith)
(Instagram.com/abbyjmccoy)
(Instagram.com/instagramycohen)
(Facebook.com/DaveHannem)
(Instagram.com/JoyScribner)
(Instagram.com/bullitt.with.a.name)
(Facebook.com/KristenMadral)
(Instagram.com/heatherdtomlinson)

Dad Grades – Hal from Malcolm in the Middle

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Years before his dark turn as meth kingpin Heisenberg, Bryan Cranston starred as Hal on the criminally under-appreciated sitcom, Malcolm in the Middle. While his sadistically overbearing wife, Lois, was perpetually at wits end with their four mischievous sons, the much more care-free Hal happily took the passenger seat in their parenting roles.

DAD STRENGTHS

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

Hal is a loving husband and father. He shows Lois affection through raw animalistic passion and utter dependence. He even admits to it, once telling Lois that he and their boys are not smart enough to function without her, and in return can only offer his total obedience.

He takes a much calmer, more sympathetic approach to parenting than Lois. She has a short fuse, at the end of which is a barrel of dynamite eager to ground someone for the rest of their life. Hal, conversely, seizes any opportunity to bond with his boys by having a sit-down and doling out fatherly words of wisdom.

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

He’s far more lenient, but will raise his voice and put his foot down when necessary. He’s often creative in his punishments. For example, when Malcolm told him “[bleep] you,” Hal sat him down in the backyard and forced him to look him in the eyes and read aloud a comprehensive list of every vile swear words, teaching him their power.

His biggest strength, however, is his laid-back, often immature attitude. It serves as a refreshing palate cleanser for Lois’ incessant shouting. He is truly the yin to her yang.

DAD WEAKNESSES

He’s more permissive than his wife. In one episode, Hal surprises the boys by letting them skip school to accompany him at some stock car races.

Hal’s lax approach to parenting is, regrettably, his biggest weakness. His spontaneity and often childish behavior sets a bad example for his sons. Case in point: the steamroller. After winning some money on a scratch-off, Hal secretly rents a steamroller.

(Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox)

When Dewey catches him, Hal agrees to let him steamroll over Reese’s bike. Ultimately, Hal goes mad with power and Dewey must talk him down from steamrolling a row of cars. Surely this gave Dewey license to misbehave in the future. His impulsive nature is typically harmless, but still sets precedent for the delinquency of his kids.

VERDICT

Despite shortcomings at the cost of his need to be the parent his sons actually like, Hal is a great father. Sure, all four of his sons are rambunctious hellions, disobedient and destructive at every turn, but that’s predominantly the result of their stubborn, temperamental mother. He’s a big-hearted working stiff, determined to provide for his family however dysfunctional they may be.

FINAL DAD GRADE: A-

Dancing Dad Embarrasses Daughter at Baseball Game [VIDEO]

Being a dad involves a lot of anxiety, drudgery, and stress. Sometimes you get to enjoy the perks of parenting, like embarrassing your children on television. Or in the stands at a Cubs game.

Or both!

This dad knows what’s up. He ignores his daughter’s attempts to get him to stop dancing and then doubles down on the silly moves.

Father Figures: Be Positive

“My twin girls (Faye and Felicia) are both autistic.

Felicia was diagnosed before she was three; she’s non verbal and loves life in her own wee bubble. Once she lets you in, it’s amazing. That’s her circle of trust.

Faye is her total opposite, always singing and chatting up a storm. Once they started preschool, we found out that Faye was showing signs of autism that we perhaps overlooked because she was so advanced.

My wife and I, with the assistance of Faye’s teachers, pushed hard to get her assessed, reassessed and diagnosed. Faye is very smart and fooled the specialist in the first assessment regarding extra help in school. We were very lucky when she was diagnosed, because the specialist ASD doctors could still recognize her traits.

It’s been a long journey and no two days are alike. Through it all we’ve learned that Faye is just a younger, female version of her older brother. From her diagnosis, we were able to recognize the ASD traits in Jordan. He is now beginning the diagnostic process.

But long story short, both our girls now attend an autism unit in a special school. It’s a God send and they are both doing great! They turned 6 in August and Jordan will be 11 this December.

Be positive and always make sure your child gets all they need. Raising a child with special needs definitely puts into perspective what’s important in life!

Everything for the kids!”

– Nic Young

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

8-Year-Old Girl Stuns Crowd at Harlem Globetrotters Game [VIDEO]

(YouTube/Harlem Globetrotters)

When the Harlem Globetrotters called Samaya Clark-Gabriel onto the court at halftime of their game, the crowd at Madison Square Garden wasn’t sure what to expect. But at this stage in a Globetrotters game it would certainly take a lot to impress them.

First she just started dribbling.

But then she started dribbling two basketballs at once. And then she started dribbling two basketballs at once while wearing a blindfold. And then she started dribbling two basketballs at once while wearing a blindfold and DOING A SPLIT.

Wow. Did they sign her yet?

Big Dad Rides Small Bike as a Tribute to Late Daughter

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

Peter Williams of Penzance, England is showing incredible strength after the loss of his daughter. On Friday at 10am, he began a 211-mile ride to raise money for The Brain Tumour Charity.

In 2015, Peter lost his 7-year-old daughter, Ellie, to a rare form of brain cancer, only six months after she was diagnosed.

To honor his daughter he decided to begin his ride at Bristol Children’s Hospital where Ellie was treated. He’s also making the entire trip on her little pink bike, which is only 20″ high. Given Peter is 6 feet tall, that’s going to make for an additional challenge, but he’s up for it.

Aside from a small modification to the bike’s seat, he’ll be riding the bike as-is. “My knees clear the handlebars by about half an inch so it’s going to be really tight, but it’s a great bike,” he told the BBC. When he factors in his unique mode of transportation Peter estimates the ride from Bristol to Land’s End will take him a week to complete.

Ellie loved cycling and impressed her dad at age three, when she was able to ride without training wheels.

(JustGiving/Peter Williams)

The bike he’ll be riding was her pride and joy – a present she received for her last Christmas.

So far Peter has raised £23,349 (roughly $30K US) through his JustGiving campaign, already doubling his £10,000 target.

What a guy! What a dad! Go, Peter, go!

If you’d like donate to Peter’s campaign, visit his JustGiving page.

If you want to learn more about where the money is going, check out The Brain Tumour Charity.