5 Weird Reasons Children Explode And Ruin Everything

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We all know that as parents, WE’RE supposed to be the ones in control. We may have even had the audacity to pass judgment on parents whose kids we witnessed having meltdowns BEFORE we were parents ourselves. IMAGINE. Once we have children of our own, we quickly realize that, occasionally, the little bundle of joy whom you love more than life itself is going to explode like a weapon of mass destruction.

This isn’t saying our kids are bad or that we’re inadequate parents, but being able to navigate the delicate mine fields that are our kids’ moods paired with outside forces you know, and forces you don’t, is virtually impossible. And like it or not, we can all say that we’ve been in the unfortunate position of standing over that stick of dynamite watching the seconds tick back from 10 to 0.

Here are just five of the weird reasons children explode and ruin everything:

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“You Got Him Something And Not Me!?” – GOD FORBID your son behaves for 18 minutes at the grocery store and you reward him with a $2 Hot Wheels car. Your daughter will pull out an Excel spreadsheet and a Powerpoint presentation with a full account of every item you’ve purchased for him AND NOT HER in the past 7 years. Always be prepared with a detailed list of the times SHE got something and her brother didn’t. Maybe keep your receipts on hand just in case.

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“I Said I Wanted Waffles Not Cereal!” – If your child has never done this, I’d love for you to come to my house so I can shake your hand because my kids pull this one on me regularly. I ask what they want for breakfast and when I bring them what they request, they insist that they asked for something else, as if I suddenly passed through a wormhole into another beakfast dimension where they don’t eat the same exact damn thing EVERY MORNING! In this case, you say, “Eat it or starve” and the situation seems to resolve itself.

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“I Hate That Article Of Clothing That I Demanded You Buy For Me At The Kohl’s Checkout!” – Oh, you had your shit together and went out ahead of time to buy your daughter a new dress for her winter concert at school? WELL GUESS WHAT, when it’s time for her to put that dress on 8 minutes before you have to leave for said concert, NOT ONLY will she insist that it fits like OJ’s glove, she’ll also reveal that SHE HATES IT AND NO, SHE WAS NOT THE ONE WHO BEGGED FOR YOU TO BUY IT FOR HER. THAT WAS SOMEONE ELSE’S KID. Oh, and also, she never gets anything she wants either, so great job, Parent.

Socks and The Bus Stop – a memoir by Katey Johnson – Before I had kids, I thought socks were a civil invention by kind-hearted innovators who aimed to keep the toes of every man, woman and child warm. BUT OH NO, NO, that’s NOT the case at my house. Socks are the equivalent of little cotton piranhas in my house, especially when we have to be at the bus stop in 3 and a half minutes. My son screams like a howler monkey when it’s time to put his socks on and I usually pull up to the bus stop on two wheels like Bo and Luke Duke in the General Lee.

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Bedtime? Never Heard Of It. – Ah, that blessed time of day when your cherubs return to their beds and succumb peacefully to slumber. YEA RIGHT. NOT IN THIS FRIGGIN’ LIFETIME. When I tell my kids it’s time for bed they act like I’m speaking Swahili and even when I translate my English to a louder version of English, they’re still unable to process the concept as if they’ve never gone to bed a night in their lives. Like you’ve been raising them in an Acid House Rave circa 1993. No one goes to bed until you can produce every piece of published documentation on the internet and in the public library that says children need more than 3 hours of sleep in order to keep people from calling CPS on you.

Whether it’s a toddler or a tween, we’ve all been there. Our kids can have us sweating bombs like Jeremy Renner in The Hurt Locker in a moments notice. Experience is key, but the next best offense is to be prepared and stay alert so that we can combat every potential detonation they come at us with. May the odds be ever in our favor.

 

Artist Wife Illustrates The Drastic Ways Her Husband’s Life Changed After Kids

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Chen Weng, an illustrator who goes by the name The Messycow, has created a series of comics showing just how much things change when one becomes a father.

Which do you relate to most?

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Check out more from this series on The Messycow’s Facebook page and website.

Dad Dinosaur: Prehistoric Reunion

Dad Dinosaur’s high school reunion is fast approaching, but will he be able to win the big dance contest – or are his moves stuck in the past?

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Father Figures: Risky Business

“As the garage door closed behind me, I heard a muffled whimper.

“What is that?” I wondered. Another whimper and I noticed eight fingers on the lid of one of the garbage cans in the corner. I spy a set of eyes, then a nose and finally my oldest son’s face.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“What happened? Where is your brother?” No answers, just sobbing.

He moped toward the door and I followed him into the kitchen. I half-expected to see CSI investigators hovering over a chalk outline.

We walked around the corner by the refrigerator, and only then did I see his brother and allow myself to take my first breath. Then I saw a hole in the drywall the size of a young boy’s torso.

They had been running & sliding, in their stocking feet, across the marbled kitchen floor. Obviously a bit too exuberantly! I was relieved that they were both okay, but I still mustered enough anger to quash any future escapades.

Each blamed the other, of course. I used to say I couldn’t always tell when my kids were lying, but I could always tell when they were telling the truth.

If that makes any sense to you, I’m guessing you’ve raised at least two boys.”

  • Ron Fuller

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Son Surprises Ailing Dad With Tickets To College World Series

Father’s Day is a special time to celebrate your old man, and show him how much you appreciate the role he’s played in your life all these years. Especially since, as we get older, our dads do too, and they may not have many Father’s Days left.

Matt Lea recognized that this Father’s Day, and so went out of his way to make it a memorable one, for both him and his father, both former college baseball players who bonded over the game as Matt was growing up.

Matt’s father Billy suffers from Alzheimer’s Disease, and the symptoms have been accruing rapidly. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t time for more memories, and Matt used the latest Father’s Day as an opportunity to do just that. The 36-year-old drove 12 hours, from Florida to Mississippi, and surprised his parents at their doorstep on Sunday.

He was bearing gifts as well, bringing his dad the jersey of his favorite baseball team, Mississippi State. But that wasn’t all. Matt brought tickets too, to see the College World Series in Omaha in person.

In video of the exchange that Matt posted on Twitter, his dad was clearly taken by surprise.

“I figured it’s probably not good enough just for us to watch the game here,” Matt says in the video as he produces the tickets. “How about we go to Omaha? Do you want to go up to Omaha and watch the College World Series together?”

“Golly,” an emotional Billy responds. “You’re gonna break my heart, here.”

Matt’s gift for his dad received a rapturous response from Twitter, where it’s been liked 46,000 times and retweeted 11,000 times.

Matt seemed as surprised by the response as his dad was by the gift, as everyone who celebrated Father’s Day yesterday knows, there’s nothing better than sharing meaningful memories with your dad, which is exactly what Matt did. An article on Omaha.com details Billy’s baseball past, the initial diagnosis of his Alzheimer’s, the VIP experience Matt treated him too over the weekend.

Matt’s Twitter account showcased the rest.

Happy Father’s Day!

Amazing Street Artist Uses Everyday Objects As His Canvas

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Artist Tom Bob doesn’t see the world like other people. Where you and I might see sewer grates or metal pipes, he sees ghosts and saxophone players.

Check out some of the amazing ways he’s transforming parts of New York City into works of art.

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Check out more of Tom Bob and his unique artwork here.

Father Figures: Heroes

“On February 2, 2011, my daughter was born. The whole thing started pretty normally about 2:30 am or so, my wife woke me up and said, ‘Honey, it is time to go,’ so we went to the hospital in a snowstorm.

That was the easy part.

When they put the belly monitor on her they noticed that the babies heart rate would drop to low whenever my wife would have a contraction. She needed emergency C-section, but the doctor could not make it due to the storm, and when he finally arrived it was rush rush rush!
Well when my daughter Emily did arrive, she had internal bleeding throughout her body, which included two grade 4 brain bleeds. We could not touch her because she would bruise and start bleeding.
They had to life-flight her to the university, where she spent 5 1/2 weeks in the NICU, which left her (you may want to sit down) deaf/blind, with hydrocephalus, a shunt, cerebral palsy, and seizures (at age 6, she needed a baclofen pump because her CP got too bad to handle without it). She is doing great today. She is happy, loves life, and everyone who meets her says that she makes their day and she is beautiful.
To pay back our little community, I became a first responder, mostly a firefighter, but I did help with EMS. Never got my certification, but that is where I found out that in the U.S. we do not have any training for first responders to deal with children with special needs.
I have made it my personal mission to teach first responders about kids with special needs.
I have taken to Emily to every EMS/Fire station in the five counties around me. I have taken her to the police and sheriff’s departments to train them, and now I have a waiting list to get trained.
I don’t know if I am the hero here, but I needed to tell the story.”

– Mike Kuyper

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Low Cost Cosplay Guy Makes The World A Better Place

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Anucha “Cha” Saengchart, the genius behind “Low Cost Cosplay,” has amassed millions of followers with his incredible reimaginings of famous fictional characters.

Whether you’re planning on portraying your favorite anime character or a Marvel superhero, this guy can show you how to do it effectively and on a string budget.

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Can’t get enough? Check out more creative cosplay on his Facebook page.