“Noise” – Tech giant PapaCorp has just unveiled its newest innovation: an implanted earpiece capable of taking any Disney song you’re currently hearing and instantaneously converting it into the band of your choice. Our protagonist, Richard, purchases a pair following his young daughter’s eighteenth viewing of Aladdin. It works! The Aladdin soundtrack transforms flawlessly into Weezer’s Pinkerton. Unfortunately, Disney acquires Marvel one year later. The episode ends with Richard shedding a single remorseful tear as he watches Iron Man fight Ivan Vanko to the sounds of “My Name Is Jonas.”

“Hood” – A revolutionary smart car called the Ørsted hits the market. Ørsted owner, Michael, pops the hood at his son’s 4th birthday party. Naturally, Michael and the other dads coalesce around the car to take a long, thorough gander at the exposed inner workings of this mysterious car. The audience is never shown what’s under this hood. Michael and his fellow dads, however, are deeply perplexed by it. They’re paralyzed, incapable of looking away, powerless against its bewildering intricacy. The party ends and everyone leaves. The dads do not. They remain, beers at chest-level, fully captivated by the baffling, undisclosed contents of this vehicle’s engine compartment. Weeks pass. Still standing, still looking. The dads are one by one served with divorce papers before ultimately starving to death.

“Debra” – First, we had Siri. Then along came Alexa. Now, introducing Debra, the first smart speaker designed for non-confrontational, indecisive dads. “Go ask your mom” only works if mom is home. Now you can simply instruct your child to “go ask Debra.” In this episode, our hero, Patrick, purchases one. While his wife works a double, Patrick’s teenage son, Josh, asks if it’s okay to spend the night at his friend Dylan’s. “Go ask Debra,” he says. Josh does just that. “Dylan Spradling,” the disembodied voice of Debra responds. “822 Palumbo Street. Parents, James and Lydia Spradling. Scanning Facebook. Alcohol use identified in recent photo. You may not go to Dylan’s.” Patrick smirks, blameless. The narrative functions as frank, biting commentary on the detrimental risks of passive parenting. This lax, permissive approach to parenting often leads to deficiencies in both emotional intelligence and self-discipline, conciliatory justifications of the child’s misbehavior, and, in some cases, complete disengagement. The episode ends with Patrick having sex with the speaker.

With a few posters and a laminator, the duo created the “Lonely Gloves Club,” a network of neighborhood ‘lost & found’ locations made specifically for neglected gloves.

 

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Zach and I having fun trying to be good neighbors. #lonelygloveclub #windsorterrace

A post shared by #lonelygloveclub (@lonely_glove_club) on Dec 8, 2018 at 8:03pm PST

Locals immediately began to take notice.

“As we were putting up the signs, people were commenting, ‘Oh, that’s a good idea,’ which was kind of awesome,” Lance told New York News 4. Realizing additional steps could be taken to reunite folks with their lost gloves, Lance even launched an Instagram page to promote new arrivals to the club.

The campaign has gained some followers—both online and off—with people requesting signs to start their own Lonely Gloves Club in their local neighborhoods. Lance and Zach have sent posters to California, England, the Netherlands, and a number of places in between.

 

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Zach mailing off another poster! This one for the second time. #notenoughstamps

A post shared by #lonelygloveclub (@lonely_glove_club) on Dec 22, 2018 at 4:41pm PST

It’s hard to track just how many people have been reunited with gloves due to the club’s efforts, but Lance says he and Zach “see new gloves appearing and other gloves disappearing, so it seems to be working.”

Currently, there is only one documented glove recovery story on Instagram, but the heavy use of hashtags and exclamation points emphasizes just how special the find was.

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This is the first confirmed case of a glove being reunited with it other half! Makes us so happy!!! So glad it work out for you!@amendphotography #lonelygloveclub #lostglove #happilyeverafter

A post shared by #lonelygloveclub (@lonely_glove_club) on Jan 3, 2019 at 3:53pm PST

“It’s really rewarding to think that such a small, little idea that was supposed to just be for our neighborhood is being so well-received by other places in the world,” Lance said.

“I guess it’s kind of a universal thing that everybody goes through every winter — we’ve all lost and seen gloves on the side of the road.”

Working as a creative director in Manhattan, Lance has loved the opportunity to participate in a project with his son.

“This is the kind of thing I do for big brands all the time, so it’s a bit of an insight into my world for him,” he said. “I wanted to show him that if you see a problem, you can solve it. You don’t have to wait for somebody else to solve it.

Sure, you could use the weather as an excuse to be lazy inside.

Snow day, from the Latin meaning, to drink all the booze and eat all the foods.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 22, 2016

But that will quickly try your patience.

Hour 2 of this snow day and I’m prepared to go full-on Iditarod to get my kids to school tomorrow if necessary.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 4, 2018

So take the young’ns outside and make the most of it!

20 minutes getting them ready.
5 minutes outside.
20 minutes getting them back inside.
15 minutes hot chocolate.

1 hour down, 8 to go.

— Lady E (@cakevans) February 14, 2016

First, you gonna wanna bundle them up.

Make your child angry today by trying to protect them from hypothermia.

— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 2, 2018

Be sure to invest in a nice coat they’ll hate.

It’s so cold, my kids are willingly wearing their coats outside.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 4, 2018

Like, HATE hate.

Remind your kids to take a coat to school so the inside of their backpacks can be toasty warm all day while they freeze to death at recess.

— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) November 7, 2017

Don’t forget the mittens. They will.

Winter budget when you have young kids:

$100 – snowsuit
$65 – boots
$40 – hats & scarves
$25 – thermal leggings
$1,579,325,753 – mittens

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) January 15, 2017

Ready to head out?

My 1 year old is insisting to put on her own snow-pants so we should be ready to go outside in about July.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 26, 2013

Perfect! Time to build a snowman. Round up an old scarf, a carrot, and okay they’re already bored.

[building a snowman with my kids]
Me: Ok, who wants to put the arms in?
Kids: *went inside 2 hours ago to play video games*

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 2, 2015

Cool. Great.

“Look, a giant snowball!” is kid code for “We got bored halfway through our snowman.”

— Myrrh (@ixix82) December 14, 2017

Plenty to do inside.

Me: [pulls photo from wallet]

Stranger: Adorable. Are these your kids making snow angels?

Me: No. They’re playing in flour they spilled.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 22, 2016

On their walk to work/school, the boy spots a violin player in the center of town and is instantly captivated by the performance. Surrounded by grey buildings, grey cars, and grey pedestrians, the boy, father, and violinist appear to be the only things in color.

Despite his son’s obvious enchantment with the musician, the father reminds his son of their responsibilities, slips the backpack full of books back on his son, and leads him back into the drab, colorless environment of the city. Clearly, this severe lack of color isn’t a simple design choice.

After a quick embrace, the father departs from his son’s school and heads to a dead end, soul-crushing job. Surrounded by menial tasks, the color literally drains out of him. Watching the clock with dull grey eyes, he counts the minutes until he’s free to leave, his color only returning when he’s with his jubilant son once again.

The son, however, retains his color initially—daydreaming about the violinist and the way the music made him feel, but he’s told day after day that his passions are not appropriate. As time wears on, his color also begins to dwindle and he’s forced to leave his interests behind to conform to the other students.

In a behind the scenes video, the film’s co-director Daniel Martinez Lara explains how fatherhood means constantly asking ourselves what the best things are for our children at any given moment. We try our best and don’t always get it right. This film doesn’t answer that question per se but acts as a reflection of that process.

This is the reason the father and son characters are playfully known to the film crew as “Copi” and “Paste.” We often consider our children to be miniature extensions of ourselves rather than unique individuals with dreams, desires, and personalities. Alike begins with Copi dragging Paste through the motions of what he believes life should be. It isn’t until he listens and acknowledges his son’s passions as legitimate that a genuine connection is established once again.

Parenting can often be viewed as a long list of “shoulds” and “musts,” but it’s also an opportunity to see your children for what they are: amazing people. So, while we have a responsibility to teach and guide our kids, so they don’t become garbage human beings when they grow up, it can also be important to stop and just let them listen to the music every once in a while. You never know what you might learn as a result.

Wow. Okay. Where to begin. Chokes his son, for starters.

We know this is the same unrealistic cartoon violence they themselves satirize by way of Itchy & Scratchy, but we’d be remiss to omit that piece of information from this very serious analysis. Yikes.

Look at this.

That’s a mace.

Don’t worry. All uphill from here. Drinks excessively, can’t forget that one. Again, fully aware cartoons operate within their own system of both physics and ethics, so we’re good on smug comments condemning the actions of Wile E. Coyote or whatever. You knew this damn well this Dad Grade had to happen at some point.

Kept Bart out of school for some time to start a business that amounted to stealing and reselling grease. Multiple crimes in that sentence.

Oh yeah, DANGEROUSLY stupid. Jumped over Springfield Gorge on a skateboard Did we include that as a strength? Yeah, that was a dumb thing for him to do. I mean, a DRAWBRIDGE closed on his head one time.

Just an unprecedented level of ineptitude, really. A horrible example to set for your kids. We here at The Dad do not take such reckless abandon lightly.

You know what? Let’s just stop with drawbridge on head. Doing a deep-dive on the paternal competency of Homer Simpson is like watching footage of hot dogs being made. Trust us, best to just throw some relish on that bad boy and enjoy it for what it is.

VERDICT

Over the past year, we at Dad Grades have offered analyses on countless TV and movie dads, all the while priding ourselves on doing so with both accountability and fairness. We aim for complete objectivity throughout every one of these super serious evaluations that should be taken seriously. We do not like what we’re about to do any more than you do. It is with a heavy heart that we give our very first…

FINAL DAD GRADE: F

Check out our previous edition when we graded Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor!

If I had nine kids, I wouldn’t have the energy to get out of bed, let alone build an igloo, let alone add a ramp to the igloo! Gregg Eichhorn is a superhero, and so is his wife Katie.

“We adopt all medical and special needs kids because seems like those are the kids where they have the hardest time finding homes for them,” Eichhorn told CBS.

His oldest, 19-year-old Zahara, was adopted from Uganda. She is non-verbal and uses a wheelchair, but she had no problem rolling into the enormous snow fort her dad built with his sister. She couldn’t wait to get in there.

“Her face lit up – she gets super excited,” Eichhorn said of Zahara’s reaction when she saw the igloo. “I think she felt like a movie star.”

He wasn’t the only one! Elijah, Zahara’s brother, also uses a wheelchair, was excited about the igloo. All nine of the Eichhorn kids were.

“They’re all loving it. They think it’s really neat,” Superdad said.

Obviously. Who wouldn’t want a badass igloo like that in their yard!

Reddit agrees. One of Gregg’s friends posted about the igloo on Reddit and it immediately took off, garnering over 70,000 upvotes and nearly 1000 comments as people shared their admiration for the dad, and for his handiwork.

Card

Card

Eichhorn is happy for the extra attention his viral post is bringing to special needs children who need homes.

“I think it’s really important that all kids with medical and special needs that are orphans have people to step up and provide them with homes.”

“Hello Parents. We are from the States (Oregon), visiting your beautiful country. My wife and I have three wonderful, successful, handsome, alas unmarried, sons between the ages of 28-32,” the ad in the NZ Herald read.

“We are not expecting, just hoping, to introduce our sons to nice NZ daughters. At the very least we’ll embarrass our sons and the truth is, we do find some enjoyment in that.”

Neil, the proactive father, said the ad immediately received over 200 replies and he was doing his best to sort through them all since his sons still had no idea any of it was happening.

“I’m somewhat surprised that I have got quite a lot of responses,” he said.

“It is hard to tell how many are genuine. A few are maybe just scammers but for the most part, people are really amazingly nice in your country.”

Neil’s sons—Matthew, Jeremy, and Benjamin—range from ages 26 to 31 and all have steady jobs in the Pacific Northwest region. According to their dad, though, their dating lives haven’t really been a serious focus for any of them.

“I know one of my sons uses these dating sites and is always going on introductory dates and meeting somebody, but he hasn’t had a serious relationship in quite a while,” Neil told the newspaper.

“I decided to help. I have no idea what will happen, but at least we will be able to meet some people.”

Neil says he’s still deciding when and how to tell his sons about the ad, probably waiting until they are actually on the flight to New Zealand or casually slipping it in while they disembark.

“I might say, ‘Oh, by the way, I did place a little ad for you guys’,” he chuckled.

“I am sure they will be surprised and annoyed, but I am sure they will laugh. We have a good relationship and are always joking with each other. They know I am a little unusual in that regard.”

As it turns out the brothers were all good sports about it. In total the ad sparked more than 600 responses and even resulted in a few dates.

“Between my brothers and I, we went on a few one-on-one dates,” Benjamin told the Daily Mail.

“[New Zealand women] are very intelligent, kind, friendly people. We love their accents. They were a lot of fun, everyone we met seemed nice.

“I think we will continue to stay in touch with the people we met. We really want to come back – it was a beautiful country.”

He replied, “What? Is that allowed? Of course! We have to do the right thing,” and watching him meet her a week later was the most special experience. It was an unconventional and unexpected way to enter into parenting, but he is absolutely crushing the dad game and it’s as if the dad jokes started immediately.

It’s like something releases in the brain once you’re wildly in love with your kids. He’s holding off on the white leather New Balances for now, but causes our daughter, Stella Grace, to light up with his imaginative play and jumping on the trampoline.

He even said it’d be okay to have a few more kids, and he just bought me a minivan, so I assume that means he wants to max it out! I’m thankful for the father he is!”

– Monique Coleman

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

When Lutz cam home later that day, he noticed tire tracks leading up to the snowman from the road. Clearly, some motorist out there had vehicular snowmanslaughter on the mind but underestimated all the junk in Frosty’s trunk.

The snowman looks a little worse for wear with the tree stump in its base now exposed, but the snowy imprint of the bumper definitely adds some flair.

“You reap what you sow,” Lutz said. “Still standing and still smiling, Frosty certainly had the last laugh!”