Charlie Daniels Warns Taco Bell Not To Take Illuminati Lightly

(YouTube/Taco Bell and Twitter/CharlieDaniels)

Sometimes a tweet comes along that blows the lid off some conspiracy theories while, at the same time, opens up a whole new jar of salsa. A famous musician’s response to a recent commercial is one of those times…

With a simple message (or was it a warning?), country music legend, man who got cheated by the devil in a fiddlin’ contest, and everyone’s favorite crazy uncle recently managed this rare feat when he tweeted some words of warning to a fast food taco restaurant.

Wow. Chills, right?

For those unfamiliar, Daniels’s Tweet refers to Taco Bell’s new ad campaign, which attempts to poke fun at the Illuminati (unwisely, some would say. Including Daniels!). In the “Belluminati,” the Mexican-inspired fast food chain is at the center of a grand conspiracy. (For more information about the actual, very real, Illuminati, check out this user-friendly website that invites anyone who logs on to become a member.)

Here’s the ad:

As a number of people noticed, Daniels neglected to even @ Taco Bell.

A strange tactic, but perhaps understandable, if one were attempting to distance one’s self from a terrifying shadowy cabal that may or may not have reason to assassinate the Taco Bell chihuahua.

It makes sense that Taco Bell is part of the famously secret organization. The evidence goes beyond the “jokes” in the commercial or the even the evil eye in the Taco Bell bell. After all, no one would dare brazenly mock such an organization, unless they were trying to deflect…

Further evidence lies in the facts: no one admits to eating there, yet Taco Bell is the fifth most popular fast food chain in America.

How many fourth meals do people consume with absolutely no recollection of the dining experience? It’s almost as if many of their customers are in some sort of myopic, drug-like trance, compelling them to order a chalupa, extra guac. The next day, the experience is but a hazy dream. The only evidence of the meal is the packet of Diablo sauce in your pocket and a nagging feeling that evacuates your body almost as soon as it enters.

But isn’t it just as likely that Charlie Daniels is a member of the Illuminati? The man’s most famous song The Devil Went Down to Georgia was obviously a metaphor. Wake up, sheeple!

The Devil wouldn’t be going “down” anywhere; he’d be traveling up from the depths of Hell! But the Illuminati, sitting on high, atop their metaphorical pyramids, look down upon God and man. Mixing with common folk and tempting them to gamble away their souls is mere sport for the Illuminati. Mark Zuckerberg (obviously!), Kim Kardashian (you didn’t know?) and their ilk delight in the game. It’s a poorly kept secret that Zuck has a special room in Fort Knox filled to the brim with golden fiddles for just this type of bet. (Yes, most of the song is a metaphor, but the fiddle thing is totally literal.)

Some people get it.

Or perhaps – unlikely though it may be – Charlie Daniels cracked the hard shell around his brain and has cranial queso dripping out of his ears.

Just kidding. The Belluminati is real! There is no escape, no matter how fast you run for the border.

Father and Son Escape Burning Truck in the Nick of Time

(News Channel Nebraska)

19-year old Minnesota man Kobe Sammons drove 500 miles to visit his family in Nebraska. When he arrived he told to his father, Jeremy, that his ride just wasn’t running right. So his dad hopped in the truck and the two went for a drive in hopes of discovering what the problem was.

A short while later they pulled over when Jeremy noticed smoke had entered the cabin of the truck. The smoke quickly turned to heat and it became apparent the engine compartment was on fire.

That’s when both men attempted to open their doors but they would not unlock.

The father wondered if this would be their final moments together.

“I told him he would have to break the glass or kick the door open. I couldn’t help him.” the elder Sammons told News Channel Nebraska.

But eventually Kobe was able to kick the door open.

“It was in those moments. Just when it had to open, the door opened.” Kobe’s dad said.

By the time firefighters arrived the truck was completely engulfed in flames. Authorities on the scene considered that the fire may have caused the doors’ unlocking mechanism to malfunction.

The truck can easily be replaced, the important thing is that this father and son duo escaped unharmed.

75-Year-Old Volunteer Literally Takes Catnaps at Animal Shelter

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

If you’re a cat lover you’ll probably agree that 75-year-old Wisconsinite Terry Lauerman is living the dream. He spends most days volunteering at his local animal shelter snoozing with cats.

Lauerman begins his day at Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary where he brushes any cat that needs it, then ends up catching a few z’s with his feline friends. The cats and staff at the shelter love the service Lauerman provides and so do thousands of others because of a viral Facebook post about him.

Elizabeth Feldhausen, the founder of Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary, told The Huffington Post that Lauerman never signed up to be a volunteer but just showed up one day, armed with a cat brush and dream to help some kitties.

“He just walked in and started brushing,” Feldhausen said. “So eventually we told him he was an official volunteer and had him fill out our volunteer form.”

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

Safe Haven is a cage-free, no-kill shelter aimed at rehabilitating cats with special needs who would likely be euthanized elsewhere. Feldhausen says Lauerman usually comes in for about three hours every day—he’ll start by brushing a cat but usually ends up dozing off.

“He sleeps for about an hour, then he’ll wake up and switch cats,”

The cats aren’t the only ones benefitting from his visits, though. “He said, [the brushing is] as great of an experience for him, as it is for them,” said Feldhausen.

(Facebook/Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary Inc.)

The post about Lauerman has received tons of positive attention and according to Feldhausen, they’ve received about $20,000 in donations since the post went viral.

While Lauerman is happy to have brought so much attention to Safe Haven, he wants people to know that there are plenty of other volunteers that put in hours of hard work to make sure the cats are loved and cared for.

Unlike them, however, Lauerman can do it in his sleep.

Father Figures: So Be It

“My money is tight living here in Silicon Valley.

My daughters are both really smart and take advanced classes, which takes a shit load of money for tests, materials and such. I too play the ‘money is tight’ card around holidays and birthdays, but I work my ass off and find side jobs. As many as I can to make sure they have the best day possible on those special occasions.

If that means not buying myself anything for the rest of my life, so be it.

They always come first, and I believe they will appreciate the struggles later on in life, and they’ll be better off for it.”

– Mauro Hernandez

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Dad’s Panoramic Photo of Daughter Goes Horribly Wrong and Viral

(Twitter/sc_x_cs)

With new phones constantly boasting advancements in camera technology, it’s no wonder some people have trouble keeping up—dads in particular.

Just ask 21-year-old Twitter user Simran. She recently came to terms with the fact that her father is a bit more technologically-challenged than she realized.

Here’s how Simran appears when she’s directing the photo shoot:

While on vacation her dad attempted to snap a unique picture of her. He insisted on trying out his iPhone X’s panoramic photo mode. As you probably expect, the photo didn’t turn out quite as planned.

“My dad told me to stand by the apples because he said he discovered a new way to take pano pics vertically,” Simran told Mashable. “I agreed to it and this was the result.”

“When he saw them he said ‘they look great’ and then I saw them and completely lost it. I mean, are you kidding me? I look like an Alien,” she said.

A number of people chimed in and made fun comparisons to some pretty unflattering images.

Clearly, Simran has been a good sport and we commend her dad for a bold attempt at harnessing advanced photo technology. But perhaps he should stick with the old fashioned point-and-shoot method from now on?

Man Struggles to Fit Small Carry-On Bag in Overhead Bin