We used predictive keyboards trained on all seven books to ghostwrite this spellbinding new Harry Potter chapter https://t.co/UaC6rMlqTy pic.twitter.com/VyxZwMYVVy

— Botnik Studios (@botnikstudios) December 12, 2017

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this – you may remember their “exact average” episode of Scrubs.

In which I perform the final monologue of a Scrubs script written by a computer. Happy Holidays. pic.twitter.com/49ftogeB05

— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) December 18, 2017

The Harry Potter chapter Botnik’s bots wrote is titled “The Handsome One,” from the book “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash,” is full of absurd dialogue and bizarre turns of phrase befitting a machine that doesn’t quite know how people work.

From the unsettling insinuation that Ron is a cannibal (“He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione’s family.”) to inadvertently boiling the Potterverse down to its core (“Magic: It was something that Harry Potter thought was very good.”), The Handsome One is loaded with gems.

The tweet, which includes images of the pages, has over 70,000 likes and 32,000 retweets, and upon reading it, it’s easy to see why. Robots be FUNNY.

Personal favorites include:

• “Ron was going to be spiders. He just was. He wasn’t proud of that, but it was going to be hard to not have spiders all over his body when all is said and done.” – I would’t be proud of that either.
• “The password was ‘BEEF WOMEN.'” – Botnik is clearly not as woke as J.K. Rowling.
• “The tall Death Eater was wearing a shirt that read, “Hermione has forgotten how to dance,” so Hermione dipped his face in mud.” – She was well within her rights!
• “Not so handsome now, thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce.” – The subtext has become text.

Botnik describes itself as “a community of writers, artists and developers building and using machine tools to remix and transform language.” And if that chapter is any indication, they’re transforming language all right. Into what, I have no idea, but reading that thing made me laugh and feel nauseous at the same time.

I was not alone.

I'll never become a writer if a computer can out-write me
>:C

— Nervatel (@Nervatel) December 13, 2017

Of course, the computer had some human help, as made clear in this tweet from one of the studio’s writers.

It's not automated! We have a team of writers who all use the Botnik predictive text keyboard. We trained keyboards on all 7 books and had a big writing jam. Then I took the best pieces of copy, arranged them into a narrative, and wrote some copy to fill in the gaps.

— Nat Towsen (@NatTowsen) December 12, 2017

That knowledge does little to lessen the terrifying impact of the prose.

WHY IS HARRY POTTER FROM HELL NOW

— 🎄 eLixmas 🎄 (@Lixa123) December 12, 2017

BEEF WOMEN.

But that’s the great thing about beer, nay… America. We all have individual tastes. Just because some guy doesn’t share your affinity for a specific brew, that doesn’t mean he’s wrong (even though he is!) It just means you get to connect with someone with a differing perspective, while drinking beer!

So, if you see Jim in a bar, don’t make fun of him for his taste in beer. Instead, buy him a round, and make fun of his age – like an adult.

Cheers, Jim!

He takes a much calmer, more sympathetic approach to parenting than Lois. She has a short fuse, at the end of which is a barrel of dynamite eager to ground someone for the rest of their life. Hal, conversely, seizes any opportunity to bond with his boys by having a sit-down and doling out fatherly words of wisdom.

He’s far more lenient, but will raise his voice and put his foot down when necessary. He’s often creative in his punishments. For example, when Malcolm told him “[bleep] you,” Hal sat him down in the backyard and forced him to look him in the eyes and read aloud a comprehensive list of every vile swear words, teaching him their power.

His biggest strength, however, is his laid-back, often immature attitude. It serves as a refreshing palate cleanser for Lois’ incessant shouting. He is truly the yin to her yang.

DAD WEAKNESSES

He’s more permissive than his wife. In one episode, Hal surprises the boys by letting them skip school to accompany him at some stock car races.

Hal’s lax approach to parenting is, regrettably, his biggest weakness. His spontaneity and often childish behavior sets a bad example for his sons. Case in point: the steamroller. After winning some money on a scratch-off, Hal secretly rents a steamroller.

When Dewey catches him, Hal agrees to let him steamroll over Reese’s bike. Ultimately, Hal goes mad with power and Dewey must talk him down from steamrolling a row of cars. Surely this gave Dewey license to misbehave in the future. His impulsive nature is typically harmless, but still sets precedent for the delinquency of his kids.

VERDICT

Despite shortcomings at the cost of his need to be the parent his sons actually like, Hal is a great father. Sure, all four of his sons are rambunctious hellions, disobedient and destructive at every turn, but that’s predominantly the result of their stubborn, temperamental mother. He’s a big-hearted working stiff, determined to provide for his family however dysfunctional they may be.

FINAL DAD GRADE: A-

It’s been a long journey and no two days are alike. Through it all we’ve learned that Faye is just a younger, female version of her older brother. From her diagnosis, we were able to recognize the ASD traits in Jordan. He is now beginning the diagnostic process.

But long story short, both our girls now attend an autism unit in a special school. It’s a God send and they are both doing great! They turned 6 in August and Jordan will be 11 this December.

Be positive and always make sure your child gets all they need. Raising a child with special needs definitely puts into perspective what’s important in life!

Everything for the kids!”

– Nic Young

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Aside from a small modification to the bike’s seat, he’ll be riding the bike as-is. “My knees clear the handlebars by about half an inch so it’s going to be really tight, but it’s a great bike,” he told the BBC. When he factors in his unique mode of transportation Peter estimates the ride from Bristol to Land’s End will take him a week to complete.

Ellie loved cycling and impressed her dad at age three, when she was able to ride without training wheels.

The bike he’ll be riding was her pride and joy – a present she received for her last Christmas.

So far Peter has raised £23,349 (roughly $30K US) through his JustGiving campaign, already doubling his £10,000 target.

What a guy! What a dad! Go, Peter, go!

If you’d like donate to Peter’s campaign, visit his JustGiving page.

If you want to learn more about where the money is going, check out The Brain Tumour Charity.