Who needs JK Rowling?

Skynet may have yet to take over, and we’re not living in The Matrix – AS FAR AS WE KNOW – but that doesn’t mean computers aren’t running shit. They’re delivering packages, jumping boxes, stealing jobs, and now, they’re writing books!

We’re screwed.

So long as we don’t mind reading mostly gibberish. Wildly entertaining and hilarious gibberish, but still. Gibberish. WE’RE NOT DEAD YET, ROBOTS!

Sorry. But Botnik Studios fed the Harry Potter series to its computers and then let predictive text take a stab at writing a chapter. The results are amusing, and while it doesn’t quite deliver the classic prose J.K. Rowling fans are used to, it’s still better than Twilight!

We used predictive keyboards trained on all seven books to ghostwrite this spellbinding new Harry Potter chapter https://t.co/UaC6rMlqTy pic.twitter.com/VyxZwMYVVy

— Botnik Studios (@botnikstudios) December 12, 2017

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this – you may remember their “exact average” episode of Scrubs.

In which I perform the final monologue of a Scrubs script written by a computer. Happy Holidays. pic.twitter.com/49ftogeB05

— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) December 18, 2017

The Harry Potter chapter Botnik’s bots wrote is titled “The Handsome One,” from the book “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash,” is full of absurd dialogue and bizarre turns of phrase befitting a machine that doesn’t quite know how people work.

From the unsettling insinuation that Ron is a cannibal (“He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione’s family.”) to inadvertently boiling the Potterverse down to its core (“Magic: It was something that Harry Potter thought was very good.”), The Handsome One is loaded with gems.

The tweet, which includes images of the pages, has over 70,000 likes and 32,000 retweets, and upon reading it, it’s easy to see why. Robots be FUNNY.

Personal favorites include:

• “Ron was going to be spiders. He just was. He wasn’t proud of that, but it was going to be hard to not have spiders all over his body when all is said and done.” – I would’t be proud of that either.
• “The password was ‘BEEF WOMEN.'” – Botnik is clearly not as woke as J.K. Rowling.
• “The tall Death Eater was wearing a shirt that read, “Hermione has forgotten how to dance,” so Hermione dipped his face in mud.” – She was well within her rights!
• “Not so handsome now, thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce.” – The subtext has become text.

Botnik describes itself as “a community of writers, artists and developers building and using machine tools to remix and transform language.” And if that chapter is any indication, they’re transforming language all right. Into what, I have no idea, but reading that thing made me laugh and feel nauseous at the same time.

I was not alone.

I'll never become a writer if a computer can out-write me
>:C

— Nervatel (@Nervatel) December 13, 2017

Of course, the computer had some human help, as made clear in this tweet from one of the studio’s writers.

It's not automated! We have a team of writers who all use the Botnik predictive text keyboard. We trained keyboards on all 7 books and had a big writing jam. Then I took the best pieces of copy, arranged them into a narrative, and wrote some copy to fill in the gaps.

— Nat Towsen (@NatTowsen) December 12, 2017

That knowledge does little to lessen the terrifying impact of the prose.

WHY IS HARRY POTTER FROM HELL NOW

— 🎄 eLixmas 🎄 (@Lixa123) December 12, 2017

BEEF WOMEN.

Grab your banana peels and variously-colored turtle shells—Mario Kart is coming to your mobile phone!

Nintendo made the announcement on Twitter in late January and ‘Kart’ fans everywhere are buzzing.

The game company tweeted:

The checkered flag has been raised and the finish line is near. A new mobile application is now in development: Mario Kart Tour! #MarioKartTour Releasing in the fiscal year ending in March 2019.

The checkered flag has been raised and the finish line is near. A new mobile application is now in development: Mario Kart Tour! #MarioKartTour Releasing in the fiscal year ending in March 2019. pic.twitter.com/8GIyR7ZM4z

— Nintendo of America (@NintendoAmerica) February 1, 2018

Unfortunately, the company recently delayed the game for a summer 2019 release “in order to improve quality of the application and expand the content offerings after launch,” but it is still most definitely on its way.

So far, Nintendo’s foray into the mobile gaming scene has been pretty hit-or-miss.

Its first mobile Mario title, Super Mario Run, launched in December 2016 and broke serious records with over 200 million downloads; however, according to analytics company App Annie, the very few paid the $10 it cost to access to the full game.

Other mobile Nintendo titles include Fire Emblem Heroes (2017), Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp (2017), and Dragalia Lost (2018), and an upcoming Dr. Mario title is expected to release for iOS and Android devices by mid-2019, just in case destroying them in virtual kart races isn’t enough.

Imagine pwning your kids at Mario Kart on mobile while inside a Mario World theme park? I can’t wait for the future!

It’s hard to remember now, but there was a time when Pixar wasn’t a thing. There was a time when there wasn’t a new animated blockbuster emanating from the computer-animation studio every year or so to delight kids, impress adults, and basically make everyone cry. Nowadays, Pixar’s movies are among the most anticipated releases every summer, and this summer is no different.

Almost 25 years after their debut, Woody, Buzz and the gang are back for their final adventure in Toy Story 4.

The first Toy Story kicked off Pixar’s unprecedented run of animated blockbusters, which went on to include beloved flicks like Monsters Inc., Up, Inside Out, and the two Incredibles movies. And now the original cast of characters is back!

Last time around, the toys said goodbye to their beloved Andy, who grew up and went to college in Toy Story 3. The crew narrowly avoided a sinister daycare and a terrifying incinerator and safely landed in little Bonnie’s room. But the new movie finds them separated and embark on a road trip to reunite.

But does Woody want to?

Spurred on by Bonnie’s new toy, an arts and crafts creation/abomination named Forky, Woody ends up in an amusement park, loaded with rides, games, and countless kids every single day. And this time, tempted by old friend Little Bo Peep, Woody might not want to leave. But Buzz and friends are determined to bring their pal back.

Check out the full-length trailer, and try not to cry:

With Captain Marvel opening with a whopping $455 million worldwide, it’s no surprise that the superpowered heroine has some serious fans. The biggest of them all, however, just might be a 5-year-old named Nellee Rossi.

“Once she saw the trailer for Captain Marvel, she became obsessed and started acting out scenes,” Josh Rossi, Nellee’s father told HuffPost.

Ever since the first trailer, Nellee has been recreating scenes as the blonde badass so Josh wanted to surprise his daughter with a special photo project.

“I’ve been wanting to portray her as a strong little girl and [help her] be able to feel empowered, so whenever there is a superhero that she connects with, I do a shoot with her,” he explained, adding that Captain Marvel is “the baddest of them all.”

Josh commissioned a near perfect replica of Captain Marvel’s uniform from designer Julie Whiteley and then did his best to recreate epic scenes from the various trailers.

And it didn’t stop there. Josh worked with movie theater employees to briefly replace the Captain Marvel poster with their ‘Captain Nellee’ poster for the ultimate ‘cherry on top’ after the movie.

“When Nellee came out, she was in shock,” Josh said. “It was the cutest thing ever.”

The poster now hangs in Nellee’s bedroom, an inspiring reminder of how strong she is.

“I hope little girls feel empowered from these and can connect to the character. I’d love to inspire dads to spend more time with their daughters as well,” he told HuffPost.

“We get so busy with work sometimes and forget to spend time with our kids when they are young. Then, when they get older and things slow down, they have their own lives and friends,” he added. “I’m just so happy that these photo shoots have allowed me to spend quality time with my kids.”

Make sure to scroll down and check out some of the amazing photos from this super shoot:

Beloved Canadian actor, Michael J. Fox recently announced that his foundation is giving away more than $24 million in grants for the research and treatment of Parkinson’s disease.

The actor, who is best known for his starring roles in movie classics like Back to the Future and Teen Wolf, as well as Spin City and a more recently, a recurring role on the TV show, The Good Wife,  was diagnosed with young-onset Parkinson’s disease in 2000.

That same year, he launched the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research, which has since become the world’s largest nonprofit for Parkinson’s research. Since 2000, The Michael J. Fox Foundation has funded more than $800 million in Parkinson’s research.

The new donation is being distributed in the form of 127 grants for projects seeking to understand, diagnose, treat, and study the progression of the disease. “All of our funding is focused on our mission to find a cure for Parkinson’s and to improve quality of life for those living with the disease today.” reads the official statement from the foundation’s announcement.

Parkinson’s Disease is a progressive disease of the nervous system and its symptoms include tremors, muscular rigidity, and slow, imprecise movement, and mostly affects middle-aged and elderly people. Early warning signs include tremors while resting, a loss of smell, or dizziness. For a full list, check out Parkinson.org

Associate professor of molecular science Justin O’Sullivan, at the University of Auckland and his team are one of the grant recipients. He said, “For us, this grant is an amazing opportunity to investigate a disorder that has a huge impact on people. We hope to make insights that ultimately make a real difference to patients.”

Every week we showcase a talented stand-up comedian whose jokes clearly indicate that he’s married… with children.

Usually, you try very hard to keep your baby from crying. Parents often have Vietnam-esque flashbacks to the days of hour intervals of sleep punctuated by the piercing screams of a newborn. But, there is one time you want your baby to cry.

What age should you take your kid to Disneyland? pic.twitter.com/qHzHA2IeU6

— Nate Bargatze (@natebargatze) April 18, 2018

Comedian Nate Bargatze is one of the best comedians you (maybe) haven’t heard of. He cut his teeth in New York, both his comedy albums (Yelled at by a Clown/Full Time Magic) were in the Billboard top ten, but the Nashville comedian is best known for his Netflix half-hour special and his late night performances on Conan and The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Happy #ValentinesDay! Here’s the card my daughter made me. The other is to our fish. She told me her brain got tired when she got to my card.

A post shared by Nate Bargatze (@natebargatze) on Feb 14, 2019 at 9:54am PST

Both of his albums are terrific, as is his Netflix half-hour. Check them out, find him at a live show, like him on Facebook and make yourself happier by filling your life with more laughter.

This late night set on The Tonight Show about running into his wife’s ex-boyfriend, taking his daughter to Disney World, helping with homework, and going back in time is an outstanding place to start.

There’s no real way to repay your parents for the years of sacrifice and hard work they put into raising you and for spending the better part of their lives working to provide for you and your whole family.

You can’t put a dollar value on it, and that’s even before you include the intangibles they provide like unconditional love and support.

But one son is doing his best to give something back to his ailing father. He’s giving him a kidney.

Chance Horner is a photographer at WFAA in Dallas, and his dad is a 63-year-old high school coach with his own trophy business outside of the city. His high blood pressure and diabetes were manageable problems, but his kidney failure was a new wrinkle, and the three days of dialysis a week was hard on him.

So his son made him an offer: one of his kidneys.

“Now I had to talk him into just trying it. Because he didn’t want me to do it,” Chance told WFAA.

“I worry about if something happens to him later in life, you know,” his father said, hesitant to accept his son’s offer. But Chance was adamant.

“He just said it’s gonna happen,” David Horner said. “It’s gonna happen. So I figured I helped bring him into the world somehow and he’s gonna help me stay in the world a lot longer, you know.”

“I think if you have the ability to help somebody you should,” Chance explained. “I’ve gotta do this, because I don’t know how to not do it.”

The day before the transplant, Chance tweeted out his intentions, along with a thread explaining the history behind his decision.

Tomorrow, I give my dad a kidney.

David Horner is a special man. He’s given every bit of himself to our family, his students, and his friends. I’m so excited to give a little back to a man who’s given so much to so many. pic.twitter.com/mscKKKBhUD

— Chance Horner (@chancehorner) February 19, 2019

The process for getting us both approved for a transplant was long and drawn out. He came to The hospital one day a week for a month for extensive testing and was found to be a good candidate. My wife and I both signed up to be donors, but they wanted to start with me.

— Chance Horner (@chancehorner) February 19, 2019

To test, I had to lose some weight of my own. Your BMI must be below 30 to be a donor and mine… wasn’t. So, I lost the weight (took me a bit, but I did it) and then they wanted me to lose more. In all, I’ve lost 45lbs since the day he went in the hospital last summer. pic.twitter.com/oOKfot51eV

— Chance Horner (@chancehorner) February 19, 2019

He said the months of preparation for the procedure forced he and his dad to become healthier than ever.

These last 8 months have forced both of us to take better care of ourselves, be healthier, and value the time we have. We’ve lost pounds and grown beards and by this time tomorrow, we’ll both have a healthy, functioning kidney. pic.twitter.com/nMMcTBqYVh

— Chance Horner (@chancehorner) February 19, 2019

He updated just before and after the procedure.

All done. I think Dad’s out of surgery waiting to for a full report. pic.twitter.com/Fz7o8FnK33

— Chance Horner (@chancehorner) February 19, 2019

The surgery was a success, and father and son were up and… shuffling!

We’re off and running! And by running I mean slowly shuffling down the hall. pic.twitter.com/iBnpJxjGJ3

— Chance Horner (@chancehorner) February 20, 2019

Cheers to this father and son team, here’s to many more years together!

Every family learns how to settle conflict differently, and some better than others.

Recently, one unique father and son duo decided to finally settle what appears to be a lifelong feud with a head-to-head, no holds barred style rap battle. The tension in the room is almost palpable as dad (aka ‘B-doe’) steps up to his opponent and son, Quintin (aka ‘San Quintin’).

What follows is a ruthless competition of wits, rhymes, and insatiable laughter?

“He messin’ with me,” B-doe says, as Quintin laughs defiantly in his father’s face.

Okay, so maybe this face-off isn’t quite as brutal as I made it out to be, but rather a near-lethal injection of joy straight into our frickin’ hearts. Quintin’s laugh is so amazing and pure, and he’s clearly thrilled to be getting all of this undivided attention from his fire-spitting father.

Even B-doe, who obviously has a background in the rap battle scene, couldn’t keep his composure while being blasted by such unadulterated cuteness.

“He definitely got in my head lol,” B-doe says in the comments. “I was trying to stay with it. I got bodied fam.”

The video, posted on February 21, has garnered over 10 million views and been featured on countless morning and talk shows. People can’t seem to get enough. It appears unanimous who took home the ‘W,’ though.

“The youngest MC to battle and win w/o saying a word,” one viewer wrote, “You already lost when you stepped up to that adorableness!”

According to a recent update from B-doe, he and Quintin are going head-to-head once again in a video that will be released sometime soon on his YouTube channel.

Hopefully, B-doe comes more prepared this time because when you step back into the ring with the champ*, you’re likely to just get knocked out** again.

*adorable baby boy

**bowled over by cuteness

Beer cheese is something close to a sacrament in the midwest. Thought to have originated in Kentucky, the famous dairy concoction has a consistency varying between that of nacho cheese and thick cream cheese, and has traveled far and wide across the region, gathering a cult-like fanbase who swear by specific ingredients and methods that make it “perfect.”

Now, in what will surely cause an uproar of either joy or disgust, Lay’s is releasing this unique cheesy experience as their newest flavor in their line of kettle cooked chips.

The sharpness of the cheese is tampered by the slight bitterness of the distinct beer flavor, much like how the dairy balances our sour cream & cheddar-flavored chips, creating a distinct flavor that is all its own.

Will some beer cheese purists scoff at such sacrilege? Of course.

Will beer enthusiasts take issue with it? Probably not.

It’s beer, cheese, and chips: the three primary food groups of any self-respecting person with high cholesterol. It’s hard to stay mad at something as delicious as that.

Check out this shining review by Andy Kryza over at Thrillist:

“Lay’s has created something close to magic here, and the chip would easily crack the top five all-timers were it a permanent addition to the roster. The cheese is sharp, but that sharpness mellows out quickly, much in the way the Cheddar & Sour Cream flavor tamps down its fake cheese notes with some cool dairy powder. But this somehow tastes less processed, with the beer flavor adding a slight hint of bitterness that makes this one of the most unique and addictive of the offerings. This should be a permanent fixture in the chip aisle.”

Sounds like I’ll need to pick up a six-pack.

As per tradition, the winding Chicago River was dyed green for St. Patrick’s Day, but whoever is in charge of the emerald dye really upped the ante this year. It was so green, in fact, that anyone with some decent video editing chops could transform the body of water into whatever their goofy mind could come up with.

People on Twitter did their best to outdo one another regarding what bizarre things they could key onto the liquidy green screen and the results were pretty damn great.

This never gets old. The Chicago River goes green to celebrate #StPatricksWeekend. ☘️ (Via @chicagotribune) pic.twitter.com/lHgjVZPooF

— Marcus Leshock (@marcusleshock) March 17, 2019

Yes, it really is that green… #Chicago #ChicagoRiver #StPatricksDay pic.twitter.com/m3K9o3eVP0

— Suzanne Lynch (@suzannelynch1) March 16, 2019

YOU: Oh look, they dyed the river green
ME, AN ARTIST: Oh look, they dyed the river chroma key green#StPatricksDay pic.twitter.com/PPmquC3VOl

— Donnachaidha Ó Chionnaigh (@TwoClawsMedia) March 17, 2019

guys they made the river a green screen heheheheheheh pic.twitter.com/O2xthCUath

— tech support™ (@theBjrd) March 17, 2019

Tired: dyeing the Chicago River green for #StPatricksDay

Wired: dyeing the Chicago River the starting lineup for the 1997 Chicago Bulls pic.twitter.com/bN5vf8U1sc

— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) March 17, 2019

🤪 pic.twitter.com/EFAqTq8yE1

— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) March 17, 2019

Using the dyed river like a green screen and replacing it with the Avengers Endgame trailer pic.twitter.com/6DtxllvIrl

— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) March 17, 2019

I couldn’t resist and did my spin on the Chicago green screen #StPatricksDay river! Thanks for the awesome idea @TwoClawsMedia and thanks to Kermit for his charming voice. ♥ pic.twitter.com/RLsWGEminF

— Mitra (@PoetessYT) March 18, 2019