We used predictive keyboards trained on all seven books to ghostwrite this spellbinding new Harry Potter chapter https://t.co/UaC6rMlqTy pic.twitter.com/VyxZwMYVVy

— Botnik Studios (@botnikstudios) December 12, 2017

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this – you may remember their “exact average” episode of Scrubs.

In which I perform the final monologue of a Scrubs script written by a computer. Happy Holidays. pic.twitter.com/49ftogeB05

— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) December 18, 2017

The Harry Potter chapter Botnik’s bots wrote is titled “The Handsome One,” from the book “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash,” is full of absurd dialogue and bizarre turns of phrase befitting a machine that doesn’t quite know how people work.

From the unsettling insinuation that Ron is a cannibal (“He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione’s family.”) to inadvertently boiling the Potterverse down to its core (“Magic: It was something that Harry Potter thought was very good.”), The Handsome One is loaded with gems.

The tweet, which includes images of the pages, has over 70,000 likes and 32,000 retweets, and upon reading it, it’s easy to see why. Robots be FUNNY.

Personal favorites include:

• “Ron was going to be spiders. He just was. He wasn’t proud of that, but it was going to be hard to not have spiders all over his body when all is said and done.” – I would’t be proud of that either.
• “The password was ‘BEEF WOMEN.'” – Botnik is clearly not as woke as J.K. Rowling.
• “The tall Death Eater was wearing a shirt that read, “Hermione has forgotten how to dance,” so Hermione dipped his face in mud.” – She was well within her rights!
• “Not so handsome now, thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce.” – The subtext has become text.

Botnik describes itself as “a community of writers, artists and developers building and using machine tools to remix and transform language.” And if that chapter is any indication, they’re transforming language all right. Into what, I have no idea, but reading that thing made me laugh and feel nauseous at the same time.

I was not alone.

I'll never become a writer if a computer can out-write me
>:C

— Nervatel (@Nervatel) December 13, 2017

Of course, the computer had some human help, as made clear in this tweet from one of the studio’s writers.

It's not automated! We have a team of writers who all use the Botnik predictive text keyboard. We trained keyboards on all 7 books and had a big writing jam. Then I took the best pieces of copy, arranged them into a narrative, and wrote some copy to fill in the gaps.

— Nat Towsen (@NatTowsen) December 12, 2017

That knowledge does little to lessen the terrifying impact of the prose.

WHY IS HARRY POTTER FROM HELL NOW

— 🎄 eLixmas 🎄 (@Lixa123) December 12, 2017

BEEF WOMEN.

It sounds like a sick joke, and that’s surely how some dastardly aunts and uncles will be treating it when they buy the creepy little critters for your kids. Fortunately, despite the guaranteed headaches these toys are destined to provide, there is a bit of an upside for those parents with a dark side. And it’s being captured on social media.

You see, people are scared of spiders, especially children. And what do children do when they’re scared? They scream. And Yellies love your screams. They feed on them. They run to them like moths to light. And the louder you scream, the more quickly these stuffed spider nightmares will be upon them!

Some parents are taking advantage of this.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Am I the worst mother ever or what? 😂😂 #yellies

A post shared by Tonia☠️🌵 (@toniamaeskis) on Dec 13, 2018 at 11:51pm PST

Of course, sometimes a parent’s fun goes a little too far.

It seems Yellies pack as much fun and fear into their tiny $14.99 package for both parents and kids alike!

Just have the Excedrin handy.

Fast forward 10 years. When we first became pregnant, I froze and cried. I was so happy. We were happy and excited and we told everyone we knew and celebrated. Unfortunately too soon. We miscarried at 3 1/2 months. It was devastating. We thought everything was over, that it wasn’t meant to be.

We were being ushered to move out because the owners were selling the house and we needed somewhere to go. We ended up buying a house (23 and 20 yrs old). Soon after we moved in, the first night of dinner in our own home, my girlfriend got sick. She absolutely loves steak and potatoes but it came right up and the smell made her sick some more. I knew at that very moment we were expecting. She broke the news, but I had already guessed and was excited just waiting for her to tell me.

The pregnancy was miserable. She got diagnosed with HG (hypermesis gravidarum). Hospitalized 3 times for IV fluids and multiple false labors. But our son was a miracle! We didn’t want to know the gender and kept it a surprise. As soon as I helped him out and held him, I yelled “Milo!” I was laughing and crying at the same time.

Fast forward to a year and a half later, when we were blessed with another beautiful baby boy, Remy. Again all joyful tears and sheer happiness!

I will always remember those moments and cherish the memories in bright vivid detail.

The entire journey of being a father AND a husband is hands down the best experience you could ever endure. I give my family 125% everyday and give them the love, attention, and more love that they deserve. I get excited to take them places that will make them cheer and see them smile, and we have movie nights with cuddles and warm hearts. With no real father figure in my life, I knew exactly, within reason, how to be a father and, better, yet a husband.

Today I have 4 dogs, 2 boys, and a beautiful wife by my side. Fatherhood isn’t something you can describe or show someone else. You have to feel it to know that it’s the best thing that will ever happen in your lifetime.”

– Dylan Martin

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Since 2014, the family has been sending Christmas Cards that highlight the true (and often very stressful) joys of Christmas spent with two young boys. They even added a baby girl to the mix this year!

“The very first time we tried to take a ‘traditional’ Christmas card photo we had hilariously bad results,” Jonathan Stanley told Bored Panda.

“We were new parents with a one-year-old and everything went wrong – baby cried the whole time, it was windy, the lighting kept changing, you name it. If two of us looked okay, the third one blinked. We laughed so hard at how bad the photos were that we decided just to send them out as is and our family loved it. From there the tradition was born – instead of trying to send perfect cards, we would send something that represented the chaos of parenting.”

“At first, I think my wife kind of rolled her eyes and said, ‘okay, we’ll try it,'” he said. “I had no idea if a staged scene would make sense or be funny, but we went for it and it just kind of worked. The kids love it, though when they see the final product I have to constantly remind them that it’s fake and to not try it in real life. I worry sometimes I am putting ideas into their heads!”

Jonathan says his goal is to make it look like it’s a perfect Christmas scenario, “as if it’s a Pottery Barn ad or something,” that has gone horribly awry.

“I also take care to make sure its a realistic as possible – most of the scene is shot practically and I try to minimize the photoshop required to yield the best results. Today most people have a strong eye for recognizing when something is fake, so the goal is to make it just real enough that they question how we pulled it off.”

“The hardest part is getting the kids to look in the right place and hold the right pose – especially when they were younger,” Jonathan added. “We use a lot of tricks like putting bells on a pole and then holding it where their eyeline needs to be, etc.

“Also, ensuring they don’t bump the tripod while we are shooting – easier said than done when you have two boys running around for an hour. We shoot each kid individually and then stitch it all together…but if the tripod gets bumped it ruins the effect and we have to start over.”

Obviously, the Stanleys have built quite a reputation at this point.

“Our friends and family would be so disappointed if we went back to a normal card at this point. It’s also a great creative outlet and once the kids are a little older it will open up some crazy possibilities that aren’t feasible with a four-year-old and a baby.”

“I think deep down everyone hates trying to get a photograph for a Christmas card,” he admits. “It’s near impossible if you have young children – so people appreciate a card that emphasizes the challenges of parenting vs. hiding them. Plus a lot of people seem to appreciate that the cards are a fun thing we do together as a family. After all, the family that plays together stays together!

"I think I played the game for him because he couldn't. He was born too early." Harold Baines gets emotional in an interview with @ChuckGarfien while talking about his dad. pic.twitter.com/i37bPMNvjv

— White Sox Talk (@NBCSWhiteSox) December 11, 2018

With tears welling up in his eyes, Baines called his father “my hero.”

Speaking later with NBC’s Chuck Garfien, he elaborated on his response and described his father’s unique relationship with baseball.

“It’s hard (to talk about him),” Baines said. “It’s very hard. I think I played the game for him because he couldn’t. He was born too early. So I always felt I played the game for him. I love the game but it didn’t mean that much to me like it did to him.

“I was fortunate enough to get drafted, and I just said, ‘I’m playing for him.'”

Like Baines, his father was not a very expressive man but his love for the game and his son was apparent.

“He didn’t show emotion,” he said. “I know he was proud.”

Dads don’t get much goofier than, well, Goofy. His hormonal son Max has mastered the eye-roll, quick to dismiss his father’s boisterous, happy-go-lucky demeanor at every ah-hyuck. Get over it, kid. If your dad’s name is Goofy you don’t get to act surprised when you find yourself at a place called Lester’s Possum Park.

DAD WEAKNESSES

It’s tough to find fault in such a kindhearted, jovial character like Goofy. If there’s one thing we feel he could dial back a bit, it’s that he can often be quite invasive and overbearing, however well-meaning. The movie begins with Goofy bursting into Max’s room without knocking: a roll of the dice for any parent with a teenage boy.

The story then hinges on a father-son fishing trip that -son really, really doesn’t want to partake in.

Now, we’re not saying give your child free reign to do whatever they want, whenever they want. But c’mon, Goof. It’s the first day of summer vacation. Your boy’s smitten with a classmate named Roxanne and anyone who’s anybody will be attending her Powerline concert viewing party. The fish will still be there come mid-July.

VERDICT

Involved. Perpetually cheerful. Willing to evade venue security in an attempt to get your kid on stage with his favorite pop singer just to impress a girl he likes. Goofy is the type of dad we should all aspire to be more like.

FINAL GRADE: A

Check out our previous edition where we graded Al Bundy from Married… With Children!

Our next attempt was on Mother’s Day, 2016, and a few weeks later, we found out that the IUI was successful. We sat in every appointment teary-eyed and thankful for our blessing.

On January 19th, 2017 we welcomed our son Miles. I still did not know if I was ready to be a father but knew that I had to be. I broke down the moment they placed Miles in my arms and thought about the years preceding his arrival. The disappointment, the lost pregnancies; it all faded away when he looked into my eyes. At that point, I knew that being a father was exactly what I was meant to do.

A short two hours later, they informed us that Miles had a heart murmur but that it should go away after 48 hours. We stayed in the hospital for days only to find out that the murmur was still there. After tests, we were informed that our son had 2 large holes in his heart. When he reached 14 lbs, they decided that he needed to open-heart surgery. We were both shocked, and nervous to put such a tiny human through such a big procedure.

On the morning of June 14th, 2017 our son underwent open heart surgery at almost 5 months old. The 8 hours he was away from us was the longest my wife and I had ever been without him. We were beyond relieved to hear that the surgery was successful and our boy was in recovery, but nothing prepared us to see our son lying in a hospital bed with more tubes, sensors, and IVs connected to him than I had ever seen before.

We stayed in the hospital for weeks watching Miles recover “much quicker than expected” according to all of the nurses and doctors. After a year and a half, he’s been given the all clear and his heart is good as gold!

I never knew what to expect when entering fatherhood, but my father always had explained that was normal. He said, ‘You don’t really know what you are getting into, but once it happens, you know exactly what you need to do.”

My son has been my pride and joy since the day I found out we were pregnant and he is the toughest person I have ever met.

Fast forward to this year, on my 30th Birthday, my wife informed me that we would be expecting our second child all naturally! We can’t wait to welcome our little girl into the world next April.

Fatherhood has completely changed my life and I couldn’t imagine how I got through life without the blessings that I now have.”

– Nick Fleshman

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

2. Go straight from fridge to pan

Some of the most important steps in cooking a steak come before you actually cook the thing. You may have heard that a steak needs to be at room temperature to ensure even cooking, and sure that sorta helps. However, the real reason to take a steak out of the fridge early is the seasoning and crust. Big Kosher salt crystals use science to tenderize meat, but to do that they need time to seep into the cut. So, first up: generously season your steak and let it sit out for about 30 minutes. You’ll notice the meat start to “sweat” as it absorbs the savory goodness. For a great charred crust you want the outside of the steak to be dry, so wait until the moisture is reabsorbed, then pat dry the whole thing before tossing it onto direct heat.

3. Truck with marinades

There’s this weird notion that putting sauce on a steak is treason, but marinading one like it’s a BBQ rib is totally fine. What is that? First of all, there’s nothing wrong with dressing your finished steak in a delicious sauce like chimichurri. Does it need it? No. But if you only eat steak one way, then you’re missing out on lots of delicious steaks. However. Marinades. No. Come on. We just went over this. Steak needs to be dry when it cooks. Throw that bottle of prepackaged garlic herb butter juice in the trash. You can add real butter, garlic and rosemary as you cook. Trust yourself and your steak.

4. Burn it like an idiot

You want a nice sear to get that perfect crust, which means using high heat and an oil with a high smoking point, like peanut oil. If you must use olive oil, go for the extra light kind, as it can reach a higher temperature without burning. Now, once you get your sear on, you gotta move to a gentle heat to cook the steak through without tensing up the meat. Also, some people will tell you not to flip a steak more than once. Ignore them. Unless you have Predator-vision, flipping a steak regularly helps keep the heat evenly dispersed.

5. Be weird about doneness

Okay. Before we even get into this, let’s all just take a breath.

Yes, everyone has their opinion about the “correct” doneness of a steak, but the fact is, a medium steak cooked well tastes better than a medium-rare steak cooked poorly. There isn’t one true ideal, so don’t freak out about it. Recently, blue-rare steaks have gained popularity and enjoying practically raw meat  basically makes you some sort of carnivorous bird. So let’s not be judgy. In reality, steak doneness is “a thing” and “things” are more about proving a point than what’s actually good. So feel free to enjoy your steak however you like, from blue-rare to medium. Even if you like medium-well, *deep breath* that’s honestly okay too. But you might consider just being a vegetarian.

All that said, if you like yours well-done, you are actually a sociopath.

6. Immediately eat it

Last, but extremely not least: LET YOUR STEAK REST. Meat will continue to cook for a bit after being removed from heat. So, using a good meat thermometer, track your steak’s internal temperature to about 5-8 degrees shy of the doneness you prefer. Then toss it on a warm plate, loosely cover with foil, and let it sit for about ten minutes. This will let your steak really absorb all the juicy goodness. Patience truly is a virtue.

We love steak, which is why we participate in the Omaha Steaks and Walmart Affiliate Programs. We may earn fees by linking to Omaha Steaks and Walmart, which we will use to purchase more steak.