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Computer Writes New Harry Potter Chapter Using Predictive Text, Has Internet Howling

By Mike Julianelle
(Getty images/Washington Post and Twitter/botnikstudios)

Who needs JK Rowling?

Skynet may have yet to take over, and we’re not living in The Matrix – AS FAR AS WE KNOW – but that doesn’t mean computers aren’t running shit. They’re delivering packages, jumping boxes, stealing jobs, and now, they’re writing books!

We’re screwed.

So long as we don’t mind reading mostly gibberish. Wildly entertaining and hilarious gibberish, but still. Gibberish. WE’RE NOT DEAD YET, ROBOTS!

Sorry. But Botnik Studios fed the Harry Potter series to its computers and then let predictive text take a stab at writing a chapter. The results are amusing, and while it doesn’t quite deliver the classic prose J.K. Rowling fans are used to, it’s still better than Twilight!

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this – you may remember their “exact average” episode of Scrubs.

The Harry Potter chapter Botnik’s bots wrote is titled “The Handsome One,” from the book “Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash,” is full of absurd dialogue and bizarre turns of phrase befitting a machine that doesn’t quite know how people work.

From the unsettling insinuation that Ron is a cannibal (“He saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione’s family.”) to inadvertently boiling the Potterverse down to its core (“Magic: It was something that Harry Potter thought was very good.”), The Handsome One is loaded with gems.

The tweet, which includes images of the pages, has over 70,000 likes and 32,000 retweets, and upon reading it, it’s easy to see why. Robots be FUNNY.

Personal favorites include:

  • “Ron was going to be spiders. He just was. He wasn’t proud of that, but it was going to be hard to not have spiders all over his body when all is said and done.” – I would’t be proud of that either.
  • “The password was ‘BEEF WOMEN.'” – Botnik is clearly not as woke as J.K. Rowling.
  • “The tall Death Eater was wearing a shirt that read, “Hermione has forgotten how to dance,” so Hermione dipped his face in mud.” – She was well within her rights!
  • “Not so handsome now, thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce.” – The subtext has become text.

Botnik describes itself as “a community of writers, artists and developers building and using machine tools to remix and transform language.” And if that chapter is any indication, they’re transforming language all right. Into what, I have no idea, but reading that thing made me laugh and feel nauseous at the same time.

I was not alone.

Of course, the computer had some human help, as made clear in this tweet from one of the studio’s writers.

That knowledge does little to lessen the terrifying impact of the prose.

BEEF WOMEN.

Josh Gad Brings Macchio, Zabka, and Shue Back Together for Karate Kid Reunion

By Mike Julianelle
(YouTube/Josh Gad)

At the start of quarantine, everybody’s favorite talking snowman, Josh Gad, created a YouTube series called “Reunited Apart.” In this series, he brought together the casts of some classic movies, like Goonies, Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, the Lord of the Rings, and more.

They were fun trips down memory lane, both for the cast members and the viewers.

A few of those specials featured what may be the best chance we have for an actual reunion. That’s certainly true for the Back to the Future team! But Ghostbusters is having a redux, and Goonies has a show coming out soon – about remaking Goonies. Bizarre, I know. And Gad’s latest special features the cast of another 80s classic that has had a recent revival: The Karate Kid.

Ralph Macchio and William Zabka, who star together in Netflix’s Cobra Kai – season three – came together, a song with Gad and Elisabeth Shue (Ali with an I!), and other cast members from the classic flick to raise money for Action Against Hunger charity. They swapped stories about the making of the movie and paid tribute to late star Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita.

Check out the fun reunion:

Dr. Dre Home From the Hospital After ICU Stay for Brain Aneurysm

By Mark Chalifoux
Dr. Dre
(IG/drdre)

In the first bit of positive news for hip hop legend, Dr. Dre has been released from the hospital after a stay in the ICU for a brain aneurysm. Things looked scary for Dre after he was rushed to the hospital, and brain aneurysms have a high rate of death and permanent neurological impairments. Incredibly, doctors think he will have a full recovery, according to sources close to the family speaking to TMZ.

While he has been discharged, doctors don’t know what the cause is, so he’s being monitored by health professionals 24/7 at home. The iconic producer has had a rough few months, as his LA home was targeted by burglars after he went to the hospital, and four people were arrested attempting to get into his home. He’s also been going through a contentious divorce.

Not long after he was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, he shared an Instagram post saying:

“Thanks to my family, friends and fans for their interest and well wishes. I’m doing great and getting excellent care from my medical team. I will be out of the hospital and back home soon. Shout out to all the great medical professionals at Cedars. One Love!!

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Dr. Dre (@drdre)

Ice T actually broke the news about Dre’s return home, sharing on Twitter that he just FaceTimed with Dr. Dre, saying “he just made it home, safe and looking good.”

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers To Guest-Host Jeopardy After Playoffs

By Mike Julianelle
Rodgers to Guest Host Jeopardy!
(Twitter/PatMcAfeeShow)

For 36 years, Alex Trebek and his famous mustache were the face of Jeopardy. In November, the beloved game show host passed away after a valiant battle with cancer, and now the producers of the show are scrambling to find a replacement. But whoever takes over for Trebek will have big shoes to fill, and the people behind the decision are not taking it lightly.

Many names have been tossed around, and several celebrities will appear as guest hosts over the next few weeks before a final decision is made. Ken Jennings, the popular former champion with a large Twitter following and quick wit, went first, Katie Couric is coming soon, and now a football player with a history of competing may be next. But potentially not until after the Super Bowl.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers is a longtime fan of the show and even won the Celebrity Tournament in $50,000 (and donated his winnings to the MACC Fund (Midwest Athletes Against Childhood Cancer).

The QB, currently prepping for his team’s matchup against the Los Angeles Rams in this Saturday’s divisional round of the NFL playoffs, appeared on the Pat McAfee show and spilled the beans.

“I’m really excited about it. We’ve been talking about it for a little bit,” Rodgers said. “I think I may have jumped the gun a little bit so I apologize to ‘Jeopardy’ if they wanted to announce it, I just got so excited on the show earlier. It just went down the last couple of days, us figuring it out. It is very exciting, it’s for the offseason, we’ll be even more excited when that opportunity gets a little closer.”

The former MVP and Super Bowl champion told McAfee how much the opportunity means to him, as a huge fan of the show.

“The show has been so special to me over the years,” Rodgers said. “It’s been a staple at my house here in Green Bay for the last 16 years – 6 o’clock watching Alex and trying to get as many questions as I can. When the opportunity came up in 2015 I mean that was a dream come true, it really was, to be on there, to get to meet Alex was just such a special moment, and we’re all obviously sad about his passing. I’ve said it before I think when he passed, but there’s this nostalgic connection to certain figures in our life based on our childhood and where we were at and the times we had those memories, it almost makes these people feel like family, like you know them.”

The odds of Rodgers hanging up his cleats and taking over for Alex Trebek anytime soon are probably pretty low. The show’s producers are considering a slew of other potential hosts, including LeVar Burton and Jane Lynch, but Rodgers has proven himself to be more than capable of handling the show’s material, so never say never.

Son “Fixes” Family Photo as a Gift for His Dad and Now It’s a Work of Art

By Yael Meshulam
Son hilariously fixes family photo for his dad
(TikTok/kylescheele)

There’s an entire website dedicated to the hilarity of “Awkward Family Photos,” and in a series of videos, TikTok user kylescheele reminds us why we love them so dang much. For some reason, traditional family photos are often bizarre. From strange coordinated outfits to poses that look so unnatural they may as well be aliens doing their best human impressions, there’s no shortage of things that can go wrong. But after staring at the same family photo for decades, Kyle decided to make some changes.

In part one of Kyle’s TikTok, he gives some background on the photo in question. In the scope of things, the picture isn’t horrible. In fact, it would have been a pretty acceptable family photo aside from one small problem. Even though it’s been hanging in his house for decades, Kyle’s dad hates that freaking picture (understandably).

Kyle explains, “for no discernable reason, the photographer had only my dad tilt his head, but my dad didn’t know that until after the photo was already developed.”

Maybe a small head tilt doesn’t sound like something that would ruin a photo, but uh, it definitely ruined the photo. In a picture full of family members looking straight forward, plopped in the middle is Kyle’s dad, staring crookedly at the camera.

The photo has been hanging in the same spot for roughly three decades thanks to Kyle’s mom who unironically loves it. But as a gift to his dad, Kyle decided to put his Photoshop skills to use and fix the photo once and for all.

In a stroke of absolute genius, Kyle decided to not only to straighten his dad’s face in the photo but to tilt the faces of everyone else in the picture. He orders a large, framed copy of the new and improved family photo, and even though he’s seen it before, he is thoroughly tickled when he opens the box.

@kylescheeleThis is the best gift idea I’ve ever had. ##greenscreen ##photoshop ##christmas ##gift ##family ##familypictures ##funny♬ original sound – kylescheele

Finally, it’s time for part two. The moment of truth. Without cracking a smile, Kyle hands his dad the wrapped work of art. As his dad begins to pull back the paper, a smile spreads across his face. He turns the photo to Kyle’s mom, and as soon as she processes exactly what her brilliant son did, she bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

The new picture transcends the category of “family photo” and is now more accurately a work of art, one that will hopefully hang in the family’s house for decades to come. Legend has it that if you hold your ear to your own awkward family photo, you can still hear Kyle’s mom laughing to this day.

@kylescheeleI’ll put my mom’s laugh against yours any day. ##photoshop ##dadlean ##christmas ##gift ##part2♬ original sound – kylescheele

Betty White Turns 99 Tomorrow and Credits a Sense of Humor for Her Health

By Mark Chalifoux
Betty White is OK
(Getty/Amanda Edwards)

The comedy legend, who has been spending her COVID quarantine safely at home, hanging out with ducks, is turning 99 this weekend. How does a Hollywood icon celebrate 99? By making sure she’s around for 100, so continuing to stay home amid the pandemic…and still feeding her ducks.

“What am I doing for my birthday?…Working on getting ‘The Pet Set’ re-released and feeding the two ducks who come to visit me every day,” she told Entertainment Tonight.

“Betty White’s Pet Set” was a show in the early 70s featuring White with celebrities and their pets, ranging from dogs and cats to elephants, tiger sand zebras. The show is getting re-released for its 50th anniversary on February 23rd.

In a year that saw us lose many comedy icons, including Carl Reiner and Fred Willard, the beloved White continues to write the book on aging with grace.

She said the one thing that keeps her going is a sense of humor.

“Don’t take yourself too seriously. You can lie to others, not that I would, but you cannot lie to yourself,” she told People. She also echoed that as her advice for living a happy and long life.

“Having a sense of humor and looking at the positive side, and not dwelling on the downside,” she said. “Takes too much energy being negative. Also having a good agent who keeps me busy all the time.”

While COVID numbers continue to climb throughout North America, and wreaking special havoc on the elderly, we have to be thankful to the duck family for keeping Betty White happy and sane through the worst of it, and for being the only ones to help the legendary actor celebrate turning 99.

12 Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week 1/15/21

By Yael Meshulam
Funniest parenting tweets 1-15-21
(Getty/Hello Africa, Twitter/simoncholland)

Possibly the funniest thing about kids is that they don’t realize just how funny they are. Seemingly out of nowhere, kids pull out comedy gold and deliver it with complete sincerity. No matter how frequently it happens, it catches us off guard in the best possible way. Thankfully, Twitter parents share their kids’ funniest moments, inviting us to laugh along with them. Here are 12 of this week’s funniest parenting tweets, featuring both hilarious parents and their hilarious kids.

As long as you get the worst parts out, they should be fine

Honestly that’s a steal

Parenting is an enigma

Absolute genius

It’s not *the worst* nickname

This is a big brain move

Kids are brutal, part 2

So awake, in fact, that I may never sleep again

Just for 5 minutes, I want to see the world the way my kid sees the world

It’s so hard to get mad at a response like that and they know it

He May be onto something

Did you miss last week’s funniest parenting tweets?

Spoil Your Pup With Ben and Jerry’s Frozen Doggie Desserts

By Mark Chalifoux
Ben & Jerry Doggie Desserts
(Instagram/benandjerrys)

This is not a good time for many people. You know who IS loving this era, though? Dogs. It has never been a better time to be a man’s best friend. For starters, most of us are home WAY MORE than ever before. On top of that, we’ve had our first dog beer invented so we could take our bro-ship to the next level and Budweiser unveiled their Barkweiser 7-pack that comes with a beer-shaped dog toy for your pup. And now this: Ben and Jerry’s is getting into their game by creating the first line of frozen dog treats.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Ben & Jerry’s (@benandjerrys)

It’s the first product in the company’s four decades that is specifically created for an animal. The company has always had a pet-friendly approach, both in the founders’ passion for environmental causes, and in their policy to office dogs (there are many four-legged friends roaming the offices). The treats are being sold in individual 4-ounce cups or in packs for four.

Pontch’s Mix, the first treat, has frozen peanut butter, pretzel swirls, and was named after an office French Bulldog.

Rosie’s Batch has creamy pumpkin and mini dog-friendly cookies and is named for a rescue mutt in the corporate headquarters.

The Doggie Desserts are available everywhere now and are even safe for humans to eat (although seems kinda rude tbh). Since dogs don’t do dairy (generally), the treats are made with sunflower butter, so they are perfectly safe and delicious for dogs.

“We know our fans love their dogs and treat them like family,” said a spokesman for Ben and Jerry’s. “We created this line so pups can enjoy something even better than belly rubs.”

There have never been more ways to spoil your dogs, but if you can’t do it during a global pandemic, when can you? The frozen dog treats are available at supermarkets and chain stores everywhere.

Father Figures: Reluctant Dad

By Mike Julianelle

“I spent years convincing myself that I never wanted to be a dad. I had such strong feelings about the poor relationship between myself and my own father that I feared ever being viewed by someone in that same light.

I worked diligently to build a great career and pay off all debt prior to even thinking about having kids, thinking that maybe setting them up for a life free from those hardships might help me avoid the same pitfalls that my own father encountered.

Finally came the news from my wife that we were expecting. I was nervous and apprehensive. My greatest fear had always been being a bad father and now I was going to get my test.

We went to our ultrasound extremely naïve, already planning for how our lives were about to change. The tech calmly put down her equipment and told us that there was no heartbeat and the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

I was devastated. Devastated for my wife. Devastated for our plans. Devastated that I couldn’t do anything to ease my wife’s pain.

We went through three consecutive miscarriages and dozens of tests, all to be diagnosed with bad luck. With our fourth attempt my fear of being a bad father had shifted. My greatest fear now was never getting to be one.

Finally: a heartbeat. Hope.

We endured one more miscarriage scare during our fourth pregnancy but it proved to only be a hiccup.

I’m now 6 months into this dad thing and I can honestly say I’ve never been part of anything better than this. I can’t imagine not being this little girl’s daddy.”

– Scott Dillon

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

Fans React to Chris Evans Picking up the Captain America Shield Again

By Mark Chalifoux
Captain America
(Marvel)

In somewhat shocking news, Chris Evans is nearing an official return to Marvel movies, picking up the shield again to reprise his role as Captain America. According to Deadline, Evans will be bringing Captain America back in at least one movie, possibly more. The caveat, though, is that he won’t be the main draw, he’ll be a secondary character, sort of like Robert Downey’s Iron Man in a few of the MCU movies.

Evans was a great Captain America, so why are fans shocked? Because his ending in Avengers: Endgame seemed really well done for the character. It was a great send-off to Cap and that whole phase of the MCU. I mean come on, he literally even took the Captain America shield and passed it off to Falcon at the end of the movie. What better passing of the torch could you ask for?

But Evans hasn’t had enough of Steve Rogers, though the details as to which film he’ll be in are still unclear. Is it the most shocking reversal when it comes to movies? I mean no, clearly not, as long as it’s done well and not just haphazard (looking at you, Emperor Palpatine in The Rise of Skywalker). Maybe it’ll be some sort of Dr. Strange, alternate reality thing, or maybe a flashback-y movie.

Fans…are split, to say the least. Some are PSYCHED to see one of the MCU’s most beloved superheroes back in action, while others think it could diminish his great ending in Endgame.

Even Chris Evans tried to play it off, saying on Twitter that it was “news to me.”


Marvel has a TON of new projects and heroes on their plate, and no shortage of difficult situations to navigate (like a Black Panther-less Black Panther), so Evans returning to his iconic role adds another interesting twist to the new direction.