It’s called the Cooler Cannon and it’s going to make sure you don’t miss a pitch! And, thanks to removing any and all reasons to get off your ass, you’re guaranteed to keep that sexy dadbod that makes all the ladies swoon according to a bunch of fluff pieces on social media and no actual ladies I’ve ever met and certainly not my wife I’LL GET BACK TO THE GYM AFTER THE HOLIDAYS, CUT ME SOME SLACK!

But I digress.

The Cooler Cannon began as a failed 2013 Kickstarter campaign (it only fell short by about $250,000) but it’s back with a new twist: you can activate it with your iPhone!

This image on the Kickstarter page lays out all the benefits of the world’s most pointless invention that I definitely need someone to buy for me.

Some of the perks include:

“Automatic tossing device allows beverage to be retrieved up to 8 feet away without leaving current activity.” Because nothing says “relaxing on the couch” like protecting your face from dangerous projectiles.

Remote control makes activating the device easy and eliminates dipping hands in ice. Finally, some long overdue respect for the hands!

Two wheels and handle for easy pulling over various terrain. Wait a second. “Easy pulling?” I specifically bought this thing to eliminate any kind of pulling or other physical activity. Well, that and to eliminate dipping my hands in ice.

That might be a tough hurdle to overcome.

Then again, it does allow me to use an iPhone app, and boy do I love activating stuff via an iPhone app!

Holds 18 cans. That’s it?!

Despite having over 1200 fans on its Facebook page, the Cooler Cannon is still not funded, so I’m not even entirely sure it’s even for sale yet. Not that that matters; there’s no way my wife would let me buy something like this.

Apparently she’d prefer my sons endanger their precious little hands by reaching into a cold fridge or plunging their hands into a frigid mound of ice to retrieve Daddy’s medicine, rather than allow me to fulfill all my dreams with a cooler that launches alcohol across the room with the click of a button.

Marriage FTW!

Sue took to Facebook to give a little background on her dad’s life, and it’s a pretty killer story. The man enlisted in the military after Pearl Harbor, and his service was rather eventful.

She laid it all out on her Facebook page:

“He was a Chief Sonarman on the USS Lamson DD 367. He sailed the world, but saw the most action in the Leyte Gulf and Ormoc Bay in the Philippines. His ship bombarded the coastline and made it easier and safer for the Marines to land. On December 7th, 1944, his ship was hit by a kamikaze plane. Close to 30 shipmates died in that action. Dad tells of jumping from the bridge into fiery waters. He was hit with hot shrapnel and received a Purple Heart for wounds sustained.”

Pretty amazing! And after all that, the man stuck around for another go-round, as Sue’s post notes: “He is very proud of his service and also served as a Sonar Instructor during the Korean War.”

She closed her missive with a request for readers to send her dad some birthday cards to help him celebrate, and posted his mailing address.

The local news also featured Mr. Sherman:

“Everytime ‘Hey mate you lost your kid’ it took a good mate beside me to have a chat so my bottom lip didn’t tremble, as I would try think up quick ways of saying yes I have lost my kid and I am not getting him back.”

Some people even jokingly asked for a ride, ignorant of the pain behind Troy’s symbolic gesture.

“T.G would have been 1 1/2 years old and sitting in the pram, however there would be no Legacy, no reason and no knowledge because until we were told he had passed we didn’t have any idea it could happen.” he wrote in an emotional Facebook post.

The bereaved father ran several races in the days after his son’s burial, including the Long Course Triathlon Nationals, Ironman New Zealand, and World Age Group Titles. ‘I trained and kept my mind and body so tired it could not grieve,’ he told Australia’s Daily Mail.

He ran the marathon to raise awareness of stillbirths via T.G.s Legacy, named after his son. ‘Stillbirth isn’t publicised like cancer or the road toll, no one wants to talk about a dead child,’ he said. In the process he also raised funds for Sands Queensland which offers support to those who have lost a baby.

Troy and his wife have since had a second son, but it hasn’t taken away the pain they feel for T.G.’s loss. ‘We have had our second son recently, but that does not take away from how much we miss his big brother and never will. We will never forget TG, for he is our son.’

“I think the empty pram is here to stay…. not empty My son was with us.”

After getting the idea during a conversation with a friend in another school district, the vice principal of Arthur O. Eve School of Distinction #61 installed the vending machine in his school’s library.

“I said that I need to do something special. I need to make sure that it’s going to be applicable to the needs of the children here in Buffalo, New York,” vice principal Robinson told Buffalo’s 2 On Your Side. After convincing his principal, Parette Walker, the two set a goal of $3000 to purchase the machine.

They were able to raise the funds over the course of a year, and the vending machine was recently unveiled, wrapped in a big yellow bow.

How cool … the first book vending machine in one of our Buffalo Public schools. Kids earn tokens and get a free book! Hey, authors, anyone want to help keep it filled? #kidsneedbooks pic.twitter.com/pk4NYrH5lp

— Dee Romito (@writeforapples) November 27, 2018

The books within the vending machine were intentionally selected to highlight different cultures, so something like Pippi Longstocking sits next to Hidden Figures.

“Students in urban communities need to learn about other cultures and other communities in other countries,” Robinson said.

To earn the tokens needed to use the vending machine, students from kindergarten through fourth grade are motivated to visit the library and check out books.

“One of the biggest issues we have in this district is literacy. If our children can read, they can survive,” Buffalo School Board member Sharon Belton-Cottman told WBFO.

French telecom brand Bouygues recently released a holiday ad featuring a montage of these special moments between a father and son spanning their decades-long relationship, and it is humiliating… in the most beautiful way.

If that doesn’t make you even the least bit teary-eyed, maybe get your heart checked out, Mr. Grinch.

Set to Redbone’s groovy 1973 hit “Come and Get Your Love” appropriately played from a cassette tape, the ad begins with a dad who simply loves connecting with his baby son. In just about the daddest outfit of all (button-down shirt, boxers, and tube socks), he hip shimmies his way past the Christmas tree across the room to the delight of his little infant boy.

In an instant, we’re thrown a few years down the road to childhood. Dad breaks it down on a snowy sidewalk outside of a toy store and son gleefully obliges him by joining in, old enough to realize what his father is doing is a little quirky but, hey, little boys love quirky!

Then it’s knee-deep into the teen years when it’s hard to tell where a parents’ silliness will fall on a kid’s spectrum of acceptability.

Riding in the car with his groove-tastic dad, it’s clear that the charm from this bit has worn off a tad but dad’s intentionality and goofiness still earns a loving smirk from his son.

A few years later, dad has lost any semblance of caring about public perceptions and is going all out. Not only is he willing to dance in a busy, well-lit coffee shop, but he’s jamming out to his own ringtone. With a horrified “he’s not with me” expression, the son tries his best to melt into his chair and out of existence.

Dad lovingly ignores his son’s silent pleas for the torture to end and continues to show off his killer moves.

One last fast forward and it’s Christmas once again. Dad is home with mom—grey-haired and little less pep in his step—when he hears a buzzing from a present underneath the Christmas tree. Curious, he grabs the vibrating box, unwraps it, and finds a brand new smartphone indicating an incoming video call.

He answers, finding his son and baby grandson onscreen, dancing adorably together as “Come and Get Your Love”—their song—blares in the background.

Look, we all know this is an ad meant to sell phones, but it has all the right ingredients to pull on everyone’s heartstrings and get their tear ducts unclogged.

It shows the unique connections we have as families. It might not be a hit song from the 70s, but we all have special bonds based on things we experience together, whether it’s food, inside jokes, or some other form of media. Even when we don’t say ‘I love you’ outright, these connections are the things that imply it for us.

Special moments like these can span generations…even if you don’t have the moves like Jagger.

I have gotten very frustrated at people who make it seem like I have unfinished business because I don’t have any sons. My girls are rock ‘n roll! They are more than sufficient and my work with them is more than enough. I don’t feel that I’m missing anything because I don’t have a son.

And when people say, “you better get your guns ready.” Man, raise the boys to not be a threat to my girls and we won’t have a problem. Or, because I can’t control that, I can teach them what to look for in the people they spend time with.

I can let them know that respect, first for themselves then others, is not negotiable or sacrificed and stands in that order. I can teach them that no matter what, they will have someone who will believe and stand with them. I can teach them that they matter to me and the guys they hang out with had better treat them better than I do.

Most of all, I can teach them that they’re loved. And my whole life up to this point, I didn’t know I had anything to offer anyone else.”

– Paul Kammerzelt

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Henry Warren was so done with his son’s lack of dental care that when he lost his latest tooth, he made his move. The dutiful dad typed up an official-as-hell sounding letter direct from the office of the Tooth Fairy.

The letter calls out the boy for the state of his lost tooth, indicating that there would be a delay in processing any monetary reward “due to the condition in which we found said tooth.” The “Tooth Fairy” even cites specific culprits – Fanta, cereal, chocolate – traces if which were found on the tooth due to a lack of proper brushing.

Our son is dreadful at brushing his teeth. Turns out the Tooth Fairy has had enough pic.twitter.com/4WWmBvuo22

— Henry Warren (@henrywarren) September 5, 2017

The letter concludes with the Tooth Fairy conceding payment but warning the boy that next time his teeth had better look better or he was going to wake up empty handed:

“We need your assurances that the condition of the next tooth will be significantly better or we will withhold payment.”

The tweet has received nearly 20,000 likes and over 6,000 retweets, no doubt from fellow parents who know the teeth brushing struggle all too well.

Look at that third pocket up there. They’re not even trying to hide it. Compared to a jacket with two pockets, the storage possibilities here are endless…or at least increased by 50%. This comes in different colors, but she’ll like red one because it says “hey, don’t mess with me. I have more pockets than you normally would expect.”

Zip it up!

2. Some portable pockets that are definitely not fanny packs

Okay, hear us out. The Go Belt is super functional. Some genius remembered with a shiver the vacations we all took in the 80s and 90s, took one look at those old-school fanny packs our parents wore and said, “never again.” These things are closer to a utility belt, which is appropriate since moms are superheroes. We’re not suggesting she wear them out to dinner, but this is a mic drop product for playground dates and bike rides.

Strap in!

3. This sweatshirt that tells it like it is

A sweatshirt? No, a statement. The One Strong Mother hoodie from Scary Mommy tells the truth, yes. But also, it has pockets. She’ll want more than one.

Get it here!

4. A blanket that has, wait for it…pockets

This is a no brainer. Not to generalize, and say that women are always cold, but… *Jim from the Office-style look to camera.*

It’s a Dad’s sacred duty to prevent anyone from touching the thermostat, so we are big fans of blankets. This wrap is like a dressed up Snuggie, it’s super affordable, and the reviews prove our point:

“This item revolutionized the blanket game. It has the warmth and softness of a traditional throw blanket, but with POCKETS“

Wrap it up!

5. These pajamas that prove your loyalty and support a good cause

Earn major brownie points with this act of self-sacrifice. When the kids want extra dessert, or a pet tarantula, or to know where babies come from, all mom has to do is  point to her hip, then slide her hands into her pockets, as if to say “I’m chill. I’ve got my hands in pockets.” These pajamas are technically called “joggers” but that’s just so she can wear them to drop off if she wants.  Pick up a pair from the Scary Mommy shop, and a portion of all proceeds will be donated to Every Mother Counts, helping women around the world get access to essential maternity care.

Double points!

6. This cool strapped phone case thing

Phones keep getting bigger, but most women’s pockets are, like, vacuum sealed. Rather than trying to squeeze a phone and wallet into a vice grip, this Bandolier phone case has slots for credit cards, ID, and cash. (Slots count as pockets.) It’s great for beach days, hikes, or when mom somehow ends up carrying everyone else’s stuff at the mall.

Strap it in!

7. Overalls, the unsung hero of mom-wear.

Overalls don’t get enough love. They’re comfortable, have pockets everywhere, and look great…at least on women. I don’t care if you’re doing Chip Gains-level home maintenance, any dude in overalls looks like Huckleberry Finn, don’t @ us. They’re win-win, because overalls are casual and stylish for her, but practical and comfortable, also for her.

Button it up!

8. This coat with the normal amount of pockets, but they’re really big

This is called a Teddy Jacket, and without doing any fact-checking, we’re going to say that’s because it looks like a teddy bear. But unlike teddy bears, this gift is useful because of it’s massive pockets! She could fit a whole novel in each, and still have room for keys, and a couple different Paw Patrol toys.

Fluff it up!

9. This sweater that says “my pockets are as vast as time and space itself.”

Okay, the pockets aren’t that big, but the design is perfect for telling your wife she’s out of this world.

*Holds for applause.*

…ahem. Fair warning, this isn’t the warmest of hoodies – it’s fairly thin, just like the fabric of our universe. But it’s cool, because that way she can be far out year-round.

Engage!

10. A fancy robe for feeling fancy, even with kids

It’s time to upgrade the robes you swiped from the hotel on your honeymoon. Little things make all the difference, like having 5-star resort level comfort while getting peanut butter out of a kid’s hair. That means microfiber, baby! Why robes have pockets is something many have wondered. But that is not our place to question.

Check in to luxury!

11. This long hoodie that says “it’s over for you bitches”

The one problem with normal hoodies is the pocket design. They’re too close to hem, and it feels weird. Wasted pocket potential. Well, no more. This shirt/dress/jacket is the best of all worlds.

Make the power move!

Check out the previous edition of our The Best Comments of the Week here.

And considering how well the 52-year-old vet still matches up against his all-star son, it’s not hard to imagine him lighting it up from the floor in his heyday.

“He’s the reason I wear number 11,” Kyrie continues in the ad. “I want to be the reason no one else will.”

Drederick’s number was retired at Boston University in 1988 right after his graduation, and it’s no surprise why looking at his stats. The BU record books are brimming with his name.

He finished his career with the Terriers as their all-time leading scorer and his 161-point senior season ranks as the 5th highest scoring season in BU history.

Once the NCAA introduced the three-point line in the mid-80s, Drederick proved just how impressive a shooter he was, shooting 42.3 percent from behind the arc for a total of 97 three-point buckets.

After college, Drederick had a free agent tryout for the Boston Celtics but didn’t quite make the cut. Instead, he chose to follow a fellow Terrier and play overseas, being recruited to the Bulleen Boomers of the South East Australian Basketball League in 1992. Kyrie was born that same year.

Four years later, tragedy struck when Kyrie’s mother passed away after contracting sepsis during a hospital stay. As a result, Drederick decided to close the door on his basketball career in order to raise his young children alone.

Now, with a daughter working as a successful fashion designer and a son adopting the dream that was once his, Drederick can be considered an amazing success off the court just as much as on it.