It’s called the Cooler Cannon and it’s going to make sure you don’t miss a pitch! And, thanks to removing any and all reasons to get off your ass, you’re guaranteed to keep that sexy dadbod that makes all the ladies swoon according to a bunch of fluff pieces on social media and no actual ladies I’ve ever met and certainly not my wife I’LL GET BACK TO THE GYM AFTER THE HOLIDAYS, CUT ME SOME SLACK!

But I digress.

The Cooler Cannon began as a failed 2013 Kickstarter campaign (it only fell short by about $250,000) but it’s back with a new twist: you can activate it with your iPhone!

This image on the Kickstarter page lays out all the benefits of the world’s most pointless invention that I definitely need someone to buy for me.

Some of the perks include:

“Automatic tossing device allows beverage to be retrieved up to 8 feet away without leaving current activity.” Because nothing says “relaxing on the couch” like protecting your face from dangerous projectiles.

Remote control makes activating the device easy and eliminates dipping hands in ice. Finally, some long overdue respect for the hands!

Two wheels and handle for easy pulling over various terrain. Wait a second. “Easy pulling?” I specifically bought this thing to eliminate any kind of pulling or other physical activity. Well, that and to eliminate dipping my hands in ice.

That might be a tough hurdle to overcome.

Then again, it does allow me to use an iPhone app, and boy do I love activating stuff via an iPhone app!

Holds 18 cans. That’s it?!

Despite having over 1200 fans on its Facebook page, the Cooler Cannon is still not funded, so I’m not even entirely sure it’s even for sale yet. Not that that matters; there’s no way my wife would let me buy something like this.

Apparently she’d prefer my sons endanger their precious little hands by reaching into a cold fridge or plunging their hands into a frigid mound of ice to retrieve Daddy’s medicine, rather than allow me to fulfill all my dreams with a cooler that launches alcohol across the room with the click of a button.

Marriage FTW!

Aside from a small modification to the bike’s seat, he’ll be riding the bike as-is. “My knees clear the handlebars by about half an inch so it’s going to be really tight, but it’s a great bike,” he told the BBC. When he factors in his unique mode of transportation Peter estimates the ride from Bristol to Land’s End will take him a week to complete.

Ellie loved cycling and impressed her dad at age three, when she was able to ride without training wheels.

The bike he’ll be riding was her pride and joy – a present she received for her last Christmas.

So far Peter has raised £23,029 (roughly $30K US) through his JustGiving campaign, already doubling his £10,000 target.

What a guy! What a dad! Go, Peter, go!

If you’d like donate to Peter’s campaign, visit his JustGiving page.

If you want to learn more about where the money is going, check out The Brain Tumour Charity.

That’s when both men attempted to open their doors but they would not unlock.

The father wondered if this would be their final moments together.

“I told him he would have to break the glass or kick the door open. I couldn’t help him.” the elder Sammons told News Channel Nebraska.

But eventually Kobe was able to kick the door open.

“It was in those moments. Just when it had to open, the door opened.” Kobe’s dad said.

By the time firefighters arrived the truck was completely engulfed in flames. Authorities on the scene considered that the fire may have caused the doors’ unlocking mechanism to malfunction.

The truck can easily be replaced, the important thing is that this father and son duo escaped unharmed.

Elizabeth Feldhausen, the founder of Safe Haven Pet Sanctuary, told The Huffington Post that Lauerman never signed up to be a volunteer but just showed up one day, armed with a cat brush and dream to help some kitties.

“He just walked in and started brushing,” Feldhausen said. “So eventually we told him he was an official volunteer and had him fill out our volunteer form.”

Safe Haven is a cage-free, no-kill shelter aimed at rehabilitating cats with special needs who would likely be euthanized elsewhere. Feldhausen says Lauerman usually comes in for about three hours every day—he’ll start by brushing a cat but usually ends up dozing off.

“He sleeps for about an hour, then he’ll wake up and switch cats,”

The cats aren’t the only ones benefitting from his visits, though. “He said, [the brushing is] as great of an experience for him, as it is for them,” said Feldhausen.

The post about Lauerman has received tons of positive attention and according to Feldhausen, they’ve received about $20,000 in donations since the post went viral.

While Lauerman is happy to have brought so much attention to Safe Haven, he wants people to know that there are plenty of other volunteers that put in hours of hard work to make sure the cats are loved and cared for.

Unlike them, however, Lauerman can do it in his sleep.

They always come first, and I believe they will appreciate the struggles later on in life, and they’ll be better off for it.”

– Mauro Hernandez

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

“My dad told me to stand by the apples because he said he discovered a new way to take pano pics vertically,” Simran told Mashable. “I agreed to it and this was the result.”

My dad trying to take Panoramic’s of me. I’m mad asf. pic.twitter.com/qLz73jM5tk

— Simran (@sc_x_cs) September 15, 2018

“When he saw them he said ‘they look great’ and then I saw them and completely lost it. I mean, are you kidding me? I look like an Alien,” she said.

A number of people chimed in and made fun comparisons to some pretty unflattering images.

Clearly, Simran has been a good sport and we commend her dad for a bold attempt at harnessing advanced photo technology. But perhaps he should stick with the old fashioned point-and-shoot method from now on?