EVANSTON, IL — Referring to the hygiene instrument as “desert-like,” a team of crime lab analysts have concluded that 8-year-old Miles Russell’s toothbrush couldn’t have possibly been used recently.
Miles, currently awaiting punishment for fraudulent misrepresentation, confirmed to having brushed his teeth at 8:42 pm, just moments before bedtime.
“The moisture content is simply too low,” contended one scientist, peering through a microscope at the arid bristling of a Transformers novelty toothbrush. “If this was used to clean teeth within the last hour, it was a completely dry run.”
“And even then, you’re bound to find traces of the antimicrobial agents associated with saliva,” another analyst suggested.
“From this, we can draw one of two conclusions: either water molecules evaporate quicker on Transformers toothbrushes, or this Miles kid is a liar.”
Miles is expected to be ordered back into the bathroom, where oral upkeep will be performed under close supervision.
This is the team’s second discovery in recent months, having also analyzed a piece of dog poop to determine that Miles was not, in fact, eating his vegetables.
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