Dad Grades: Game of Thrones Edition

Dad Grades GoT Edition
(Warner Bros)

Need to quickly catch up before the eighth and final season of Game of Thrones gets underway? Well, good luck with that. Way too many characters. But if you’re looking for the three best and three worst poppas in Westeros, we’ve got you covered.

BEST DADS

Ned Stark

(Warner Bros)

Children: Robb, Sansa, Arya, Bran, Rickon
Fatherly Advice: “The only time a man can be brave is when he is afraid.”
Verdict:
You knew ol’ Eddard would top of this list long before the page finished loading. Mr. Stark was essentially the moral compass of Westeros, having raised five of the few people on that continent who didn’t grow up to be barbaric monsters. He was always eager to pass down wisdom, a champion of honor and loyalty in an age of betrayal. Well-deserving of a “#1 DAD” goblet. A+

Jaime Lannister

(Warner Bros)


Children: Joffrey, Myrcella, Tommen
Fatherly Advice: “How can you still count yourself a knight, when you have forsaken every vow you ever swore?”
Verdict: Okay. So. We know Cersei is his sister. And yes, we know Joffrey, the Damien of Westeros, did, in fact, swim out of this man’s urethra. The thing is, Jaime never really got the chance to properly nurture Joffrey. We’d like to think, had Cersei not been forced into an unhappy marriage, Jaime could’ve given Joffrey the fatherly affection he so clearly yearned for. Put aside the whole “dating his twin sister” thing and you’ve got yourself a B+ uncle-dad.

Mace Tyrell

(Warner Bros)

Children: Loras, Margaery
Fatherly Advice: “Is there anything as pointless as a king without a kingdom?”


Verdict: The head of House Tyrell is often regarded as a bit of an idiot, even by his own mother. He’s not a particularly good general, but he’s able to summon lots of kindness through that vulnerability. He’s the closest thing this bleak era of dragon panic and human sacrifice had to an easy-going, goofy dad. Also “Mace Tyrell” is easily the smoothest name on the show. B


 

WORST DADS

Tywin Lannister

(Warner Bros)
Children: Cersei, Jaime, Tyrion
Coldest Quote: “A lion doesn’t concern itself with the opinion of sheep.”
Verdict: We can’t even go into detail about all the despicable things Tywin Lannister has done to his children. This dude is a monster. Total disregard for the well-being of his three kids, with an especially disheartening, calculated disdain for his son Tyrion. Truly the “dad who pushes his kids into sports but only to further his own personal interests” of Westeros. F

Robert Baratheon

(Warner Bros)
Children: Mya Stone, Bella, Gendry, Edric Storm, Barra, Joffrey(-ish), Myrcella(-ish), Tommen(-ish), countless others even he doesn’t know about


Coldest Quote: “I swear to you, I was never so alive as when I was winning this throne, or so dead as now that I’ve won it.”
Verdict: This guy has like a thousand kids, one of which turned out to be a demon. The Baratheon household is a textbook example of how an unhappy marriage can affect a child. Jaime Lannister may be the biological father of Joffrey, but Robert here withheld the nurturing that might’ve kept that little shit from becoming Satan incarnate upon reaching puberty. We’re not ones to advocate for child-leashes, but good lord, bro. Control your kid. Perhaps Ned Stark’s head would still be attached to his body had you two went out back and tossed the ol’ pigskin once in a while. D-

Randyll Tarly

(Warner Bros)

Children: Samwell, Talla, Dickon
Coldest Quote: “The gods made men to fight.”


Verdict: Mr. Tarly is a vicious, cold-blooded, highly effective war general.  His gentler son Sam doesn’t care for fighting, much more interested in scholarly pursuits at the Citadel. Randyll gives Sam an ultimatum: join the Night’s Watch, a brotherhood of men who look after the Wall, OR be put to death via hunting “accident.” Again, Sports Dad written all over this shit. We will award bonus points, as Randyll Tarly, despite the spelling, is easily the dad-est name on the show. D-

Check out the previous edition when we graded Frank Costanza from Seinfeld.

 

The Dad Approved “Food Cubby” Gives Kids One Less Thing To Complain About

Food Cubby
(foodcubby.com)

Ah, kids. They sure can be little jerks sometimes, huh? Oh, we love them, they are the light and joy of our lives, and we’d do anything for them, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they flip out if a pea gets, like a little mashed potato on it (as if they were gonna eat the peas in the first place). Lots of kids hate when food touches other food. Sure, they’ll play in the mud, and laugh about a loogie, but apparently applesauce coming into contact with ham is actually the most disgusting thing in the universe.

Now, it’s not their fault; it’s all because something about sensory development or underexposed taste buds or something or another, who cares, it doesn’t matter, they’re picky eaters and it’s annoying. But if we’re being perfectly honest, it’s not just kids. Personally, if a pickle touches any of my french fries, we’ve got a problem.

Fortunately, there’s a simple solution.

Okay, that video takes itself like one shade too seriously, but the Food Cubby is an awesomely simple solution to keeping rogue foods in their place.

As an added bonus, giving plates a wall that helps scoop up that last bite of mac and cheese is *chef’s kiss.* I’ve chased stray noodles around a plate like one of those dogs who gets lost in the middle of the dog show, so don’t even get me started on a kid’s dexterity.

The Food Cubby is made from food grade silicone, so it’s all good when it comes to cleaning and not poisoning anyone; and while I was skeptical of the suction power at first, it really does work as advertised. It scores pretty high on Amazon reviews, too, so it wasn’t just me.

For a simple solution to one of parenting’s most obnoxious challenges, the Food Cubby is #TheDadApproved.

Pick up a pack at FoodCubby.com, or on Amazon.

Father Figures: Father’s Day

“This is my son Landon. In 2012, we celebrated Father’s Day with my dad a day early. My wife was 8 months pregnant.

As he was heading home tat evening, my dad said that next year I will be celebrating my own Father’s Day. My wife’s water broke at 3am that Sunday and Landon was born four hours later, on Father’s Day.

He was four weeks early and spent 10 days in NICU for underdeveloped lungs, but is now a wild and energetic 6-year-old. I called my dad that Sunday morning to tell him I get to celebrate Father’s Day this year after all, I don’t think he really believed me.

Not until I insisted he come to the hospital to meet his newest grandchild.”

– Pete Wirch

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

Cheers! Dad Delivers His Baby in a Pub

(BBC)

How do you make happy hour even happier? How about becoming a new father?

The Perch and Pike pub in Oxfordshire, UK got a little more excitement than they’re used to when a man was forced to help his wife deliver their child when they realized they weren’t going to make it to the hospital in time.

“I ran the hospital bag out to the car, then came back upstairs to get Sofie and said, ‘Right, we’re going to go,’” Simon Duffy, the pub landlord, described the event to BBC. “And she said, ‘Oh I don’t think there’s going to be time, I can feel the baby coming now.’”

Thinking fast, Simon called 999 (the emergency number in the UK) in hopes of getting assistance from paramedics. “I just assumed the ambulance would turn up and they would take over the delivery of the baby,” Simon chuckled. “But there wasn’t even time for that!”

Fortunately, Simon connected with Dawn, a level-headed 999 operator, who was able to walk him through the unforgettable procedure of bringing his healthy baby girl, Chloe, into the world himself.

Thanks to the publicity of the rare event, Dawn even got to meet the little girl she helped deliver. “A lot of the time, once the call’s finished, we don’t get much of an update,” she told BBC. “So it’s really nice to see what’s happened and see the baby that I helped bring into the world.”

Welcome to the club, Simon! The next time we see you in a bar (and you aren’t delivering a child), the first round’s on us!

New Testicle Cooler Fights Infertility by Keeping Your Boys Brisk

Testicle Cooling Device
(YouTube/CoolMen)

To be clear, male infertility is no laughing matter. However, it’s hard to stifle one’s giggles when reading about the newest device designed to help guys stop shooting blanks.

A team of scientists in Poland has fashioned a smart little doo-dad for your doo-dads that is scheduled for release later this year, appropriately called “CoolMen.”

What’s basically a portable cooler for your downstairs boys, CoolMen is designed to combat one of the leading causes of male infertility: low sperm quality and sperm production associated with elevated testicular temperature.

Sure, hooking something up to your huevos and then connecting that to a battery is a bit disconcerting at first, but this is your family legacy we’re talking about.

Research shows that optimal sperm production occurs 2-4 degrees Fahrenheit (°F) lower than one’s body temperature, and this silicone pouch keeps everything comfortable and regulated down there.

(YouTube/CoolMen)

And of course there’s an app for that, so you can monitor the temperature of your teabag.

Plus, think about how handy this bad boy would be after your kids accidentally knock you in the nads. Pass on the frozen peas and strap your swollen spuds into your fancy new polar pouch instead.

The CoolMen is expected to run between $300 and $400 and the “non-invasive” device should be worn for 12-16 hours for up 3-4 weeks for best results.

3 Things to Do With Your Kids This Weekend

3 Things to Do
(Getty/Helen Marsden/kali9/Hero Images)

Hooray for another weekend, and this one is a long one or three-day-vacation-with-kids as I like to think of it. It’s all about disconnecting with the daily drudgery and making some memories with your little ones. It doesn’t matter if you’re building something or just being silly, commit to whatever you’re doing and have a good time.

Easter Egg Hunt 2.0

Easter Egg Hunt 2.0
(Getty/Helen Marsden)

It’s a long weekend, which is perfect for indulging in yet another excuse for too much chocolate. Hide little eggs around the garden, up trees, or underneath plant pots. Better yet, make it more interesting with one of these twists:

  1. A treasure map with clues for the next treat. Pro tip: To make a piece of paper look suitably old and pirate-y, drag some wet tea bags over it and let it dry before writing on it. Then singe the edges for added effect.
  2. Hunt in the dark. Go outside or run through the house with all the lights off. Use flashlights to help find the eggs.
  3. Blindfold egg hunt. Shout instructions and let the kids stumble around for the eggs. Add a few hazards like eggs buried in Jello or wet gummy worms.

Remember, the longer the kids are kept busy, the more time you have to eat your own chocolate in peace.

Easter Games

There are plenty of games to play over the Easter long weekend, so here are a few of our favorites:

  1. Egg and spoon race – balance an egg on a spoon and run! First to finish, wins! You can also use water balloons instead of the eggs.
  2. Egg rolling contest – the furthest egg roll without breaking is the winner.
  3. Egg painting – poke a small hole in the top and the bottom of a raw egg and blow the contents out into a bowl. Then paint.
  4. Chocolate egg on a string. Push a chopstick through the sides of chocolate eggs and push a string through, (similar to the donuts on a string game). Line them up and let the kids race to eat theirs, without their hands!

Here’s even more:

Family Picnic

Take advantage of the long weekend and spend as much time as you can (weather permitting) outside. Now that Spring has sprung, it’s picnic season, which means heading to the park, a field, your own garden, or your living room if it’s raining. Pack some sandwiches, fruit, a few treats, a kite, and a frisbee. Turn off your phones and enjoy the day.

Picnic With Dad
(Getty/Hero Images)

For more suggestions check out last week’s 3 Things to Do With Your Kids.

Dad Sets World Record Pushing Double Stroller in Half Marathon

(Fox 2 St. Louis)

Running a half marathon is no small feat, but doing it all while pushing a stroller just seems downright crazy.

Father of two and possible superhero, Ben Hudson, recently ran the Go St. Louis 13.1-mile race all while pushing his girls, Eleanor and Abigail, in a double stroller.


As you might imagine, strollers aren’t optimal distance race equipment, and as such, they aren’t usually allowed for this race. Hudson, however, smoothed things over with the Go St. Louis race coordinators beforehand because he was competing for something truly special: a world record.

Training for months with the girls, Hudson said it was not unlike running several miles with a 70 lb. shopping cart—flat surfaces weren’t too bad but getting up and over hills really tested his perseverance.

“I would just talk to them during the race and tell them how great they were doing,” Hudson said.

And, in the end, the family crushed their goal with a time of 1:16:06.

This means the Hudson’s gets three 13.1 stickers for their car, right?

Voted ‘Dullest Man in the UK’, This Dad Has Collected Over 9,000 Beer Cans

(YouTube/Metro Newspaper UK)

Nick West is a pretty average guy.

A father of two and now recently retired, Nick is so notably average that in 2015 he appeared in a book titled “Dull Men of Britain” which showcased 40 of the dullest men living in the UK.

Now several years later, Nick is finally getting the individual recognition he so rightly deserves.

A newspaper in Scotland ran a poll to once and for all determine the absolute dullest man in Britain and Nick received over 20% of the votes, more than enough to claim the title.

So what could possibly make people think Nick West is so incredibly dull you ask?

It’s his hobby.

Since Nick was 16 years old he has been collecting one thing: beer cans.

No, he wasn’t cashing in the refunds, but instead amassing one of the largest collections of these shiny metal canvases known to man.

According to an interview the DailyMail, Nick says it all began when he saw a news report in 1975 on collectors in the US scooping up the discarded containers. Shortly after his wife, then girlfriend bought him a book on collecting.

Now 40 plus years later with a collection topping out at over 9,300 cans, Nick has finally decided to cash in and cash out. He has sold about 6,000 pieces of his prized art to private parties and has also donated 1500 cans to a local museum that will keep them on display.

While that may seem like a lot to give up, that still leaves the can connoisseur with over 1500 in his personal collection, allowing him to now move to a smaller home with his wife.

It was with his wife Deborah’s help that Nick says he was able to realize his dream, telling the Mail “I drank the beers and stouts and Deborah would drink the lagers.”


While his oldest can dates back to 1936, there are plenty of modern masterpieces as well. The craft beer boom has not only created many different beverages, but a myriad artistic and unique containers to go along with them.


Part of the reason Nick is hanging it all up is due to that craft beer surge. With so many new breweries and offerings, Nick was collecting up to 600+ cans a year as opposed to only a few hundred.


“Deborah grew to resent the hobby because I had a small collection when I met her but it’s had a massive impact on our lives.”

Nick says after making his wife move to a larger home just to accommodate the massive collection, they are now in a much more suitable home and settling in to retirement.

As for his new title of Dullest in the UK, Nick seems ok with it.

“I’m never going to be most handsome or tallest so I’m quite happy with my mantle of dullest man.”

Be Vigilant Avengers Fans, Leaked Endgame Footage Is Spreading [SPOILER-FREE]

(Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures)

It’s just over a week until the climactic release of Avengers: Endgame, and while most of us or waiting in earnest, watching every single trailer and piece of promotional footage we can get our grubby little hands on, BEWARE:

A massive leak is making its rounds on the internet, spoiling critical moments from the film.

Apparently, someone who was lucky enough to attend an advanced screening recorded and uploaded key footage that will Hulk-smash anyone’s hopes for a spoiler-free experience—and because the internet is the internet, people are sharing it like a virus.


According to Charles Pulliam-Moore at io9, “The footage, which we won’t describe here, is particularly spoiler heavy, subtitled in Arabic, and appears to have been recorded during a screening of the film judging from the theatre seats visible in the frame.”

The leak is so noteworthy and rampant, in fact, that Russo Brothers penned a letter, pleading for people to resist being frickin’ jerks by spoiling it (my words, not theirs).


So, if you—like me—desperately want a fresh screening of the film, with no unintended information eating away at your nerdy little soul, we’d recommend keeping your time on the internet to a minimum, especially on social media sites.

Actually, a member of The Dad’s writing team was a recent casualty of the leaks (RIP, Jimmy).

He wrote:

“These spoilers are sneaky, they come in multiple forms: images, animated gifs, or just straight-up text. The one that I saw was in a Facebook comment thread – it was an image that looked like a meme, a headline with several panels of screenshots. By the time I figured out what it was, it was too late – a pivotal scene had been spoiled. And it was posted in the comments section of a completely unrelated post.”

Twitter and Reddit also appear to be major targets where people are dropping the footage so scroll with care.

We were days away, you guys. Days away.

This is why we can’t have nice things.