This week in Dad Grades, we take a closer look at Jack Torrance, the axe-wielding patriarch in Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining.

As the films opens, we see Jack (skillfully brought to life by Jack Nicholson) as he’s driving his family to the Overlook Hotel. An impressive feat in and of itself, considering Jack was still three decades away from an iPad he could shove in his son Danny’s face for the duration of the trip.

One can only assume that, had there been a second kid in the backseat, Jack may have snapped almost immediately, veering the family Volkswagen off the side of the mountain and effectively ending the movie with a total runtime of four minutes.

More observant viewers will notice that Danny is not wearing a seatbelt in this scene. Despite the good example Jack is setting, his is textbook child endangerment.

They arrive at the Overlook Hotel and settle in. One month later, Jack endures a wholly occupying case of writer’s block as Danny leaves his toys everywhere.

Some film historians speculate that, in the original script, Jack was supposed to step on one of these toy cars while barefoot, bringing us right to the moment where he decides to start swinging a firefighter’s axe at everybody.

True King-heads, however, know the real inciting incident that drove Jack to madness was this:

A toy bus in the arch of your shoeless foot is one thing. Lipstick on the door is another. Danny doesn’t even attempt to soften the brunt of his inevitable punishment by drawing something cool. No. Instead, he just ruins his tired mom’s evening, who wakes up and begins screaming for one of two reasons: 1) it was some $90 Sephora lipstick, or 2) her child is exhibiting signs of severe dyslexia. Nobody knows for sure.

At this point, Jack begins chasing his family with an axe. This collection of scenes brings light to Jack’s biggest flaw as patriarch of the Torrances: the inability to respect bathroom privacy.

Among Jack Torrance’s long list of fatherly foibles, this one is the most irritating. The bathroom should be a space of tranquility and reflection. Jack does not seem to understand this, as he determinedly hacks open the bathroom with his axe, pokes his manic face in, and delivers the film’s most iconic line:

Unbelievably rude.

Jack eventually falls victim to the bitter cold and freezes to death in a hedge maze.

At the end of the day, Jack Torrance is an adequate dad. Not all dads make the time to take their families on road trips to haunted hotels built on Native American burial ground. Jack Torrance did. He obviously needs improvement in terms of disciplinary skills, though. Remember, no woodchopping implement is quite as effective as being grounded for a weekend in their room with no TV or video games. Don’t ground them for too long though. Prolonged isolation can drive someone mad. I saw it in a movie once –  I forget the title.

Some people will probably say, “I strongly disagree, Vernon. When it comes to fatherhood, I think Jack Torrance is quite clearly a novice.”

And to those people I say: the word you’re thinking of is novelist.

Jack Torrance is a novelist. Idiot.

Jack Torrance’s Dad Grade: B-

Ah, kids. They sure can be little jerks sometimes, huh? Oh, we love them, they are the light and joy of our lives, and we’d do anything for them, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they flip out if a pea gets, like a little mashed potato on it (as if they were gonna eat the peas in the first place). Lots of kids hate when food touches other food. Sure, they’ll play in the mud, and laugh about a loogie, but apparently applesauce coming into contact with ham is actually the most disgusting thing in the universe.

Now, it’s not their fault; it’s all because something about sensory development or underexposed taste buds or something or another, who cares, it doesn’t matter, they’re picky eaters and it’s annoying. But if we’re being perfectly honest, it’s not just kids. Personally, if a pickle touches any of my french fries, we’ve got a problem.

Fortunately, there’s a simple solution.

Okay, that video takes itself like one shade too seriously, but the Food Cubby is an awesomely simple solution to keeping rogue foods in their place.

As an added bonus, giving plates a wall that helps scoop up that last bite of mac and cheese is *chef’s kiss.* I’ve chased stray noodles around a plate like one of those dogs who gets lost in the middle of the dog show, so don’t even get me started on a kid’s dexterity.

The Food Cubby is made from food grade silicone, so it’s all good when it comes to cleaning and not poisoning anyone; and while I was skeptical of the suction power at first, it really does work as advertised. It scores pretty high on Amazon reviews, too, so it wasn’t just me.

For a simple solution to one of parenting’s most obnoxious challenges, the Food Cubby is #TheDadApproved.

Pick up a pack at FoodCubby.com, or on Amazon.

“This is my son Landon. In 2012, we celebrated Father’s Day with my dad a day early. My wife was 8 months pregnant.

As he was heading home tat evening, my dad said that next year I will be celebrating my own Father’s Day. My wife’s water broke at 3am that Sunday and Landon was born four hours later, on Father’s Day.

He was four weeks early and spent 10 days in NICU for underdeveloped lungs, but is now a wild and energetic 6-year-old. I called my dad that Sunday morning to tell him I get to celebrate Father’s Day this year after all, I don’t think he really believed me.

Not until I insisted he come to the hospital to meet his newest grandchild.”

– Pete Wirch

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email fatherfigures@thedad.com

How do you make happy hour even happier? How about becoming a new father?

The Perch and Pike pub in Oxfordshire, UK got a little more excitement than they’re used to when a man was forced to help his wife deliver their child when they realized they weren’t going to make it to the hospital in time.

“I ran the hospital bag out to the car, then came back upstairs to get Sofie and said, ‘Right, we’re going to go,’” Simon Duffy, the pub landlord, described the event to BBC. “And she said, ‘Oh I don’t think there’s going to be time, I can feel the baby coming now.’”

Thinking fast, Simon called 999 (the emergency number in the UK) in hopes of getting assistance from paramedics. “I just assumed the ambulance would turn up and they would take over the delivery of the baby,” Simon chuckled. “But there wasn’t even time for that!”

Fortunately, Simon connected with Dawn, a level-headed 999 operator, who was able to walk him through the unforgettable procedure of bringing his healthy baby girl, Chloe, into the world himself.

Thanks to the publicity of the rare event, Dawn even got to meet the little girl she helped deliver. “A lot of the time, once the call’s finished, we don’t get much of an update,” she told BBC. “So it’s really nice to see what’s happened and see the baby that I helped bring into the world.”

Welcome to the club, Simon! The next time we see you in a bar (and you aren’t delivering a child), the first round’s on us!

To be clear, male infertility is no laughing matter. However, it’s hard to stifle one’s giggles when reading about the newest device designed to help guys stop shooting blanks.

A team of scientists in Poland has fashioned a smart little doo-dad for your doo-dads that is scheduled for release later this year, appropriately called “CoolMen.”

What’s basically a portable cooler for your downstairs boys, CoolMen is designed to combat one of the leading causes of male infertility: low sperm quality and sperm production associated with elevated testicular temperature.

Sure, hooking something up to your huevos and then connecting that to a battery is a bit disconcerting at first, but this is your family legacy we’re talking about.

Research shows that optimal sperm production occurs 2-4 degrees Fahrenheit (°F) lower than one’s body temperature, and this silicone pouch keeps everything comfortable and regulated down there.

And of course there’s an app for that, so you can monitor the temperature of your teabag.

Plus, think about how handy this bad boy would be after your kids accidentally knock you in the nads. Pass on the frozen peas and strap your swollen spuds into your fancy new polar pouch instead.

The CoolMen is expected to run between $300 and $400 and the “non-invasive” device should be worn for 12-16 hours for up 3-4 weeks for best results.

Hooray for another weekend, and this one is a long one or three-day-vacation-with-kids as I like to think of it. It’s all about disconnecting with the daily drudgery and making some memories with your little ones. It doesn’t matter if you’re building something or just being silly, commit to whatever you’re doing and have a good time.

Easter Egg Hunt 2.0

It’s a long weekend, which is perfect for indulging in yet another excuse for too much chocolate. Hide little eggs around the garden, up trees, or underneath plant pots. Better yet, make it more interesting with one of these twists:

1. A treasure map with clues for the next treat. Pro tip: To make a piece of paper look suitably old and pirate-y, drag some wet tea bags over it and let it dry before writing on it. Then singe the edges for added effect.
2. Hunt in the dark. Go outside or run through the house with all the lights off. Use flashlights to help find the eggs.
3. Blindfold egg hunt. Shout instructions and let the kids stumble around for the eggs. Add a few hazards like eggs buried in Jello or wet gummy worms.

Remember, the longer the kids are kept busy, the more time you have to eat your own chocolate in peace.

Easter Games

There are plenty of games to play over the Easter long weekend, so here are a few of our favorites:

1. Egg and spoon race – balance an egg on a spoon and run! First to finish, wins! You can also use water balloons instead of the eggs.
2. Egg rolling contest – the furthest egg roll without breaking is the winner.
3. Egg painting – poke a small hole in the top and the bottom of a raw egg and blow the contents out into a bowl. Then paint.
4. Chocolate egg on a string. Push a chopstick through the sides of chocolate eggs and push a string through, (similar to the donuts on a string game). Line them up and let the kids race to eat theirs, without their hands!

Here’s even more:

Family Picnic

Take advantage of the long weekend and spend as much time as you can (weather permitting) outside. Now that Spring has sprung, it’s picnic season, which means heading to the park, a field, your own garden, or your living room if it’s raining. Pack some sandwiches, fruit, a few treats, a kite, and a frisbee. Turn off your phones and enjoy the day.

For more suggestions check out last week’s 3 Things to Do With Your Kids.

Running a half marathon is no small feat, but doing it all while pushing a stroller just seems downright crazy.

Father of two and possible superhero, Ben Hudson, recently ran the Go St. Louis 13.1-mile race all while pushing his girls, Eleanor and Abigail, in a double stroller.

As you might imagine, strollers aren’t optimal distance race equipment, and as such, they aren’t usually allowed for this race. Hudson, however, smoothed things over with the Go St. Louis race coordinators beforehand because he was competing for something truly special: a world record.

Training for months with the girls, Hudson said it was not unlike running several miles with a 70 lb. shopping cart—flat surfaces weren’t too bad but getting up and over hills really tested his perseverance.

“I would just talk to them during the race and tell them how great they were doing,” Hudson said.

And, in the end, the family crushed their goal with a time of 1:16:06.

This means the Hudson’s gets three 13.1 stickers for their car, right?

Nick West is a pretty average guy.

A father of two and now recently retired, Nick is so notably average that in 2015 he appeared in a book titled “Dull Men of Britain” which showcased 40 of the dullest men living in the UK.

Now several years later, Nick is finally getting the individual recognition he so rightly deserves.

A newspaper in Scotland ran a poll to once and for all determine the absolute dullest man in Britain and Nick received over 20% of the votes, more than enough to claim the title.

So what could possibly make people think Nick West is so incredibly dull you ask?

It’s his hobby.

Since Nick was 16 years old he has been collecting one thing: beer cans.

No, he wasn’t cashing in the refunds, but instead amassing one of the largest collections of these shiny metal canvases known to man.

According to an interview the DailyMail, Nick says it all began when he saw a news report in 1975 on collectors in the US scooping up the discarded containers. Shortly after his wife, then girlfriend bought him a book on collecting.

Now 40 plus years later with a collection topping out at over 9,300 cans, Nick has finally decided to cash in and cash out. He has sold about 6,000 pieces of his prized art to private parties and has also donated 1500 cans to a local museum that will keep them on display.

While that may seem like a lot to give up, that still leaves the can connoisseur with over 1500 in his personal collection, allowing him to now move to a smaller home with his wife.

It was with his wife Deborah’s help that Nick says he was able to realize his dream, telling the Mail “I drank the beers and stouts and Deborah would drink the lagers.”

My Beercan of the day #1. Possibly my favourite ever design. 340ml flat top for export to US. pic.twitter.com/PsTiLmJajl

— Nick West (@Canfan75) April 4, 2016

Some of us appreciate beer cans 365 days a year! pic.twitter.com/It0Ee5U19C

— Nick West (@Canfan75) January 24, 2017

Happy beercan appreciation day! pic.twitter.com/e5T3UEELNh

— Nick West (@Canfan75) January 24, 2018

While his oldest can dates back to 1936, there are plenty of modern masterpieces as well. The craft beer boom has not only created many different beverages, but a myriad artistic and unique containers to go along with them.

Extremely strong contenders for best looking new cans 2016 pic.twitter.com/BMV3BcxK3l

— Nick West (@Canfan75) March 30, 2016

Best looking new can so far this year (and there's been a lot). Why did I have to go to US for it though?@GuinnessIreland pic.twitter.com/Awtkkwdcls

— Nick West (@Canfan75) October 22, 2016

Part of the reason Nick is hanging it all up is due to that craft beer surge. With so many new breweries and offerings, Nick was collecting up to 600+ cans a year as opposed to only a few hundred.

Spot the difference?! pic.twitter.com/ffiVZM5jh8

— Nick West (@Canfan75) September 1, 2014

“Deborah grew to resent the hobby because I had a small collection when I met her but it’s had a massive impact on our lives.”

Nick says after making his wife move to a larger home just to accommodate the massive collection, they are now in a much more suitable home and settling in to retirement.

As for his new title of Dullest in the UK, Nick seems ok with it.

“I’m never going to be most handsome or tallest so I’m quite happy with my mantle of dullest man.”

It’s just over a week until the climactic release of Avengers: Endgame, and while most of us or waiting in earnest, watching every single trailer and piece of promotional footage we can get our grubby little hands on, BEWARE:

A massive leak is making its rounds on the internet, spoiling critical moments from the film.

Apparently, someone who was lucky enough to attend an advanced screening recorded and uploaded key footage that will Hulk-smash anyone’s hopes for a spoiler-free experience—and because the internet is the internet, people are sharing it like a virus.

According to Charles Pulliam-Moore at io9, “The footage, which we won’t describe here, is particularly spoiler heavy, subtitled in Arabic, and appears to have been recorded during a screening of the film judging from the theatre seats visible in the frame.”

The leak is so noteworthy and rampant, in fact, that Russo Brothers penned a letter, pleading for people to resist being frickin’ jerks by spoiling it (my words, not theirs).

#DontSpoilTheEndgame pic.twitter.com/YZhbrwcijJ

— Russo Brothers (@Russo_Brothers) April 16, 2019

So, if you—like me—desperately want a fresh screening of the film, with no unintended information eating away at your nerdy little soul, we’d recommend keeping your time on the internet to a minimum, especially on social media sites.

Actually, a member of The Dad’s writing team was a recent casualty of the leaks (RIP, Jimmy).

He wrote:

Twitter and Reddit also appear to be major targets where people are dropping the footage so scroll with care.

We were days away, you guys. Days away.

This is why we can’t have nice things.

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You could say this Dad has been TRAINing for this moment his whole life.

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