This week in Dad Grades, we take a closer look at Jack Torrance, the axe-wielding patriarch in Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 adaptation of Stephen King’s The Shining.

As the films opens, we see Jack (skillfully brought to life by Jack Nicholson) as he’s driving his family to the Overlook Hotel. An impressive feat in and of itself, considering Jack was still three decades away from an iPad he could shove in his son Danny’s face for the duration of the trip.

One can only assume that, had there been a second kid in the backseat, Jack may have snapped almost immediately, veering the family Volkswagen off the side of the mountain and effectively ending the movie with a total runtime of four minutes.

More observant viewers will notice that Danny is not wearing a seatbelt in this scene. Despite the good example Jack is setting, his is textbook child endangerment.

They arrive at the Overlook Hotel and settle in. One month later, Jack endures a wholly occupying case of writer’s block as Danny leaves his toys everywhere.

Some film historians speculate that, in the original script, Jack was supposed to step on one of these toy cars while barefoot, bringing us right to the moment where he decides to start swinging a firefighter’s axe at everybody.

True King-heads, however, know the real inciting incident that drove Jack to madness was this:

A toy bus in the arch of your shoeless foot is one thing. Lipstick on the door is another. Danny doesn’t even attempt to soften the brunt of his inevitable punishment by drawing something cool. No. Instead, he just ruins his tired mom’s evening, who wakes up and begins screaming for one of two reasons: 1) it was some $90 Sephora lipstick, or 2) her child is exhibiting signs of severe dyslexia. Nobody knows for sure.

At this point, Jack begins chasing his family with an axe. This collection of scenes brings light to Jack’s biggest flaw as patriarch of the Torrances: the inability to respect bathroom privacy.

Among Jack Torrance’s long list of fatherly foibles, this one is the most irritating. The bathroom should be a space of tranquility and reflection. Jack does not seem to understand this, as he determinedly hacks open the bathroom with his axe, pokes his manic face in, and delivers the film’s most iconic line:

Unbelievably rude.

Jack eventually falls victim to the bitter cold and freezes to death in a hedge maze.

At the end of the day, Jack Torrance is an adequate dad. Not all dads make the time to take their families on road trips to haunted hotels built on Native American burial ground. Jack Torrance did. He obviously needs improvement in terms of disciplinary skills, though. Remember, no woodchopping implement is quite as effective as being grounded for a weekend in their room with no TV or video games. Don’t ground them for too long though. Prolonged isolation can drive someone mad. I saw it in a movie once –  I forget the title.

Some people will probably say, “I strongly disagree, Vernon. When it comes to fatherhood, I think Jack Torrance is quite clearly a novice.”

And to those people I say: the word you’re thinking of is novelist.

Jack Torrance is a novelist. Idiot.

Jack Torrance’s Dad Grade: B-

There’s an entire website dedicated to the hilarity of “Awkward Family Photos,” and in a series of videos, TikTok user kylescheele reminds us why we love them so dang much. For some reason, traditional family photos are often bizarre. From strange coordinated outfits to poses that look so unnatural they may as well be aliens doing their best human impressions, there’s no shortage of things that can go wrong. But after staring at the same family photo for decades, Kyle decided to make some changes.

In part one of Kyle’s TikTok, he gives some background on the photo in question. In the scope of things, the picture isn’t horrible. In fact, it would have been a pretty acceptable family photo aside from one small problem. Even though it’s been hanging in his house for decades, Kyle’s dad hates that freaking picture (understandably).

Kyle explains, “for no discernable reason, the photographer had only my dad tilt his head, but my dad didn’t know that until after the photo was already developed.”

Maybe a small head tilt doesn’t sound like something that would ruin a photo, but uh, it definitely ruined the photo. In a picture full of family members looking straight forward, plopped in the middle is Kyle’s dad, staring crookedly at the camera.

The photo has been hanging in the same spot for roughly three decades thanks to Kyle’s mom who unironically loves it. But as a gift to his dad, Kyle decided to put his Photoshop skills to use and fix the photo once and for all.

In a stroke of absolute genius, Kyle decided to not only to straighten his dad’s face in the photo but to tilt the faces of everyone else in the picture. He orders a large, framed copy of the new and improved family photo, and even though he’s seen it before, he is thoroughly tickled when he opens the box.

@kylescheeleThis is the best gift idea I’ve ever had. ##greenscreen ##photoshop ##christmas ##gift ##family ##familypictures ##funny♬ original sound – kylescheele

Finally, it’s time for part two. The moment of truth. Without cracking a smile, Kyle hands his dad the wrapped work of art. As his dad begins to pull back the paper, a smile spreads across his face. He turns the photo to Kyle’s mom, and as soon as she processes exactly what her brilliant son did, she bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

The new picture transcends the category of “family photo” and is now more accurately a work of art, one that will hopefully hang in the family’s house for decades to come. Legend has it that if you hold your ear to your own awkward family photo, you can still hear Kyle’s mom laughing to this day.

@kylescheeleI’ll put my mom’s laugh against yours any day. ##photoshop ##dadlean ##christmas ##gift ##part2♬ original sound – kylescheele

The comedy legend, who has been spending her COVID quarantine safely at home, hanging out with ducks, is turning 99 this weekend. How does a Hollywood icon celebrate 99? By making sure she’s around for 100, so continuing to stay home amid the pandemic…and still feeding her ducks.

“What am I doing for my birthday?…Working on getting ‘The Pet Set’ re-released and feeding the two ducks who come to visit me every day,” she told Entertainment Tonight.

Betty White turns 99 in less than a week! 🎉 https://t.co/l7eRNxlsx7

— Entertainment Tonight (@etnow) January 13, 2021

“Betty White’s Pet Set” was a show in the early 70s featuring White with celebrities and their pets, ranging from dogs and cats to elephants, tiger sand zebras. The show is getting re-released for its 50th anniversary on February 23rd.

In a year that saw us lose many comedy icons, including Carl Reiner and Fred Willard, the beloved White continues to write the book on aging with grace.

She said the one thing that keeps her going is a sense of humor.

“Don’t take yourself too seriously. You can lie to others, not that I would, but you cannot lie to yourself,” she told People. She also echoed that as her advice for living a happy and long life.

“Having a sense of humor and looking at the positive side, and not dwelling on the downside,” she said. “Takes too much energy being negative. Also having a good agent who keeps me busy all the time.”

While COVID numbers continue to climb throughout North America, and wreaking special havoc on the elderly, we have to be thankful to the duck family for keeping Betty White happy and sane through the worst of it, and for being the only ones to help the legendary actor celebrate turning 99.

Possibly the funniest thing about kids is that they don’t realize just how funny they are. Seemingly out of nowhere, kids pull out comedy gold and deliver it with complete sincerity. No matter how frequently it happens, it catches us off guard in the best possible way. Thankfully, Twitter parents share their kids’ funniest moments, inviting us to laugh along with them. Here are 12 of this week’s funniest parenting tweets, featuring both hilarious parents and their hilarious kids.

As long as you get the worst parts out, they should be fine

The biggest parenting challenge you ever face is raising the “you” out of your kids

— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) January 13, 2021

Honestly that’s a steal

I’m not up-to-date on blackmail rates, but my kid is asking for a bowl of doritos and a bag of fruit snacks… does that sound fair for witnessing me break a lamp?

— wheaties~on~a~hill (@wheatiesmdub) January 12, 2021

Parenting is an enigma

My 4yo just taught himself to whistle, and how something so damn annoying can make me feel so damn proud I don’t even know.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 8, 2021

Absolute genius

My “do not disturb” sign was completely ignored by the kids when I had to get some work done, so I replaced it with “If you knock, you will do chores.”

I haven’t had this much alone time in 14 years. I think I’m on to something here.

— Shannon Carpenter (@HossmanAtHome) January 11, 2021

It’s not *the worst* nickname

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

— 🧙‍♂️Nostradumbass🧙‍♂️ (@The_Albinoshrek) January 11, 2021

This is a big brain move

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 12, 2021

Kids are brutal, part 2

My 2yo pointed at the octopus in the book we were reading and called it dada if any of you were wondering how attractive I am in real life

— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) January 9, 2021

So awake, in fact, that I may never sleep again

[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper]

Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?

Me: I’m up.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 10, 2021

Just for 5 minutes, I want to see the world the way my kid sees the world

“Wait…there are PEOPLE in Australia?!?!” My son and I talk about kangaroos, koalas, and Tasmanian devils pretty much nonstop, but I guess I’d neglected to mentioned that, yeah, humans hang out there too. All this time he thought it was “more like a Zootopia kind of place.”

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 12, 2021

It’s so hard to get mad at a response like that and they know it

i put 5 in bed last night. lights off. door closed. then i heard him scream bloody murder. i ran in and 11 is there by his bed. he thought it was a good idea to hide in the closet and come out in the dark. i asked him what he was thinking and he said “i’m a moron”. the end.

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 12, 2021

He May be onto something

11: I don’t like that kid, he’s my March enemy

Me: I’m sorry, your what?

— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) January 14, 2021

Did you miss last week’s funniest parenting tweets?

This is not a good time for many people. You know who IS loving this era, though? Dogs. It has never been a better time to be a man’s best friend. For starters, most of us are home WAY MORE than ever before. On top of that, we’ve had our first dog beer invented so we could take our bro-ship to the next level and Budweiser unveiled their Barkweiser 7-pack that comes with a beer-shaped dog toy for your pup. And now this: Ben and Jerry’s is getting into their game by creating the first line of frozen dog treats.

 

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A post shared by Ben & Jerry’s (@benandjerrys)

It’s the first product in the company’s four decades that is specifically created for an animal. The company has always had a pet-friendly approach, both in the founders’ passion for environmental causes, and in their policy to office dogs (there are many four-legged friends roaming the offices). The treats are being sold in individual 4-ounce cups or in packs for four.

Pontch’s Mix, the first treat, has frozen peanut butter, pretzel swirls, and was named after an office French Bulldog.

Rosie’s Batch has creamy pumpkin and mini dog-friendly cookies and is named for a rescue mutt in the corporate headquarters.

The Doggie Desserts are available everywhere now and are even safe for humans to eat (although seems kinda rude tbh). Since dogs don’t do dairy (generally), the treats are made with sunflower butter, so they are perfectly safe and delicious for dogs.

“We know our fans love their dogs and treat them like family,” said a spokesman for Ben and Jerry’s. “We created this line so pups can enjoy something even better than belly rubs.”

There have never been more ways to spoil your dogs, but if you can’t do it during a global pandemic, when can you? The frozen dog treats are available at supermarkets and chain stores everywhere.

“I spent years convincing myself that I never wanted to be a dad. I had such strong feelings about the poor relationship between myself and my own father that I feared ever being viewed by someone in that same light.

I worked diligently to build a great career and pay off all debt prior to even thinking about having kids, thinking that maybe setting them up for a life free from those hardships might help me avoid the same pitfalls that my own father encountered.

Finally came the news from my wife that we were expecting. I was nervous and apprehensive. My greatest fear had always been being a bad father and now I was going to get my test.

We went to our ultrasound extremely naïve, already planning for how our lives were about to change. The tech calmly put down her equipment and told us that there was no heartbeat and the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

I was devastated. Devastated for my wife. Devastated for our plans. Devastated that I couldn’t do anything to ease my wife’s pain.

We went through three consecutive miscarriages and dozens of tests, all to be diagnosed with bad luck. With our fourth attempt my fear of being a bad father had shifted. My greatest fear now was never getting to be one.

Finally: a heartbeat. Hope.

We endured one more miscarriage scare during our fourth pregnancy but it proved to only be a hiccup.

I’m now 6 months into this dad thing and I can honestly say I’ve never been part of anything better than this. I can’t imagine not being this little girl’s daddy.”

– Scott Dillon

Want to share a story about fatherhood? Email [email protected]

In somewhat shocking news, Chris Evans is nearing an official return to Marvel movies, picking up the shield again to reprise his role as Captain America. According to Deadline, Evans will be bringing Captain America back in at least one movie, possibly more. The caveat, though, is that he won’t be the main draw, he’ll be a secondary character, sort of like Robert Downey’s Iron Man in a few of the MCU movies.

Evans was a great Captain America, so why are fans shocked? Because his ending in Avengers: Endgame seemed really well done for the character. It was a great send-off to Cap and that whole phase of the MCU. I mean come on, he literally even took the Captain America shield and passed it off to Falcon at the end of the movie. What better passing of the torch could you ask for?

But Evans hasn’t had enough of Steve Rogers, though the details as to which film he’ll be in are still unclear. Is it the most shocking reversal when it comes to movies? I mean no, clearly not, as long as it’s done well and not just haphazard (looking at you, Emperor Palpatine in The Rise of Skywalker). Maybe it’ll be some sort of Dr. Strange, alternate reality thing, or maybe a flashback-y movie.

Fans…are split, to say the least. Some are PSYCHED to see one of the MCU’s most beloved superheroes back in action, while others think it could diminish his great ending in Endgame.

CHRIS EVANS IS COMING BACK AS CAP BRO WTH?!

— SAINT NICKALAS (@MegaLucarioX) January 14, 2021

Chris Evans trending like the king that he is. Always booked and busy and now also returning as Captain America??? Legendaric. pic.twitter.com/DCjAc3fTFw

— Kayden | Breakdown era (@IIKaydenII) January 14, 2021

[Steve Rogers gently dancing with Peggy Carter as the world events of the 1950s through 2010s occur uninterrupted] https://t.co/maaqj2JMwQ

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) January 14, 2021

Na not Steve coming back from spending time in peak racism era with Peggy to take back the job he gave to a black man. https://t.co/t5qUJGA5Lg

— ☀️Sun Tzilla🦖 (@SunTzilla) January 14, 2021

PEGGY [reading newspaper] says here The Rolling Stones are going to play a free concert at the Altamont Speedway
STEVE [awkwardly changing subject] oh, say, I wonder who’s on Ed Sullivan tonight

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) January 14, 2021

When Marvel Studios asked Chris Evans to come back as Captain America pic.twitter.com/8bWES723Rw

— Fandom (@getFANDOM) January 14, 2021

Even Chris Evans tried to play it off, saying on Twitter that it was “news to me.”

News to me🤷🏻‍♂️

— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) January 14, 2021

Marvel has a TON of new projects and heroes on their plate, and no shortage of difficult situations to navigate (like a Black Panther-less Black Panther), so Evans returning to his iconic role adds another interesting twist to the new direction.

Two-time Golden Globe winner Jim Carrey can now add another award to his resume… for his role in a film about a talking hedgehog.

Announced on the Critics Choice Awards website, Jim Carrey took home a ‘Critics Choice Super Award’ for his role as Dr. Robotnik in the 2020 Sonic the Hedgehog movie.  Formed in 1995, the Critics Choice Association (which is still one of the largest collections of film critics in North America) has been providing annual ‘Super Awards’.  These awards honor films and performances in genres that are typically overlooked by the Academy, such as Superhero, Science Fiction/Fantasy, Horror, & Action.

I think this is such a cool idea.  There are some really great performances in plenty of films each year, and awards like these allow more actors to be recognized.

If you’ve seen the Sonic movie, you have to admit, Carrey was one of the best parts.  It might have just been classic Carrey, but he was still very entertaining.  What was initially thought to become a disaster in the history of video game movies after that first trailer released, Sonic the Hedgehog would end up grossing over $300 million worldwide at the box office.   My family and I saw it in theaters and have watched it at least a dozen times at home since we purchased the digital edition.  With a sequel now greenlit, Sonic and Sega fans have plenty to look forward to in the future.

I’m just so glad they went with the redesigned Sonic.  The first trailer with the original design they were going to use gave me nightmares for a week.  I don’t think I would have slept again for the rest of my life if I had to stare at this thing for an hour and a half.

When it comes to the N64, GoldenEye 007 and Super Mario 64 are some of the best games on the console.  You could even argue that they’re some of the best games ever made.  What do you get when you combine the two?  You get something so great, I wish that original developer Rare would have just included it as a bonus level on Goldeneye’s N64 cartridge.

Developed by StupidMarioBros1Fan, this “Goldeneye with Mario Characters” mod (which originally released back in 2018) features a new Super Mario 64 Peach’s Castle level, recreated within GoldenEye.  It contains the classic GoldenEye gameplay and sound effects, and even includes mission objectives and a Bowser boss fight.  YouTuber Graslu00 who mainly focuses on Goldeneye and other N64-era games showcases the level in the video above and helped create and test it as well.

I just think it’s hilarious to see the Koopa’s walking around with weapons.  Even the thought of Mario carrying out the mission of saving the princess “James Bond” style cracks me up.

If you want to play it for yourself you can download the mod here.  This mod will replace every character in Goldeneye with Mario characters, and even changes the original dialogue to reference characters like Peach and Bowser.  This new level is a fantastic addition, but if you really want to relive the entirety of GoldenEye 007 in a whole new light, this mod is definitely the way to do it.

Now if only someone would add dual flamethrowers.

Helping kids pursue their passions is a delicate business. We want to be encouraging but not pushy, helpful but not overbearing. It’s thrilling to watch our kids fall in love with their hobbies, whether they’re short-lived or end up lasting a lifetime. Things often become more complicated when our kids internalize stigmas that shake their confidence, but with support and encouragement, every single child can be successful in their own way.

13-Year-old Illiana, as most kids do, loves watching YouTube videos. In 2017, Illiana’s dad, Miguel Figueroa, had a brilliant idea – or so he thought. His daughter lit up when she watched her favorite videos, so why not start her own channel? When he approached Illiana with the idea, he was filled with enthusiasm simply thinking about his daughter pursuing something she loved. Her response, however, turned his enthusiasm to an immense sadness.

“She said, well, I can’t, because I had autism,” he told ABC6 “And it really broke my heart.”

Figueroa was not about to let his daughter give up before she even tried, and more importantly, he wasn’t going to let her believe she couldn’t do something simply because she had autism. The father-daughter duo decorated their basement with their collection of superhero paraphernalia, laid out stacks of comic books, and made the first “Toy Quest 101” video together.

Three years later, Illiana and Miguel’s channel has nearly 120,000 subscribers on YouTube. The adorable duo feature unboxing videos, toy reviews, and even celebrity interviews. The pair bond over their mutual love of superheroes, comic books, sci-fi, and most importantly, spending time together.

Their YouTube channel explains, “Our mission is to transform the lives of children with autism and special needs worldwide and inspire the lives of children and families through our videos and our story. Our vision is to bring awareness and promote a culture of acceptance where all kids with autism and special needs can be empowered to do what they set their mind to and not feel that their disability is a road block to accomplishing their dreams and or wishes.”